How Have We Become a Society of Narcissists?

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on how have we become a society of narcissists. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. Now what we're talking about here is a general characterization. We're not talking about necessarily narcissistic personality disorder. Because narcissistic personality disorder begins, has to begin sometime during childhood or adolescence and is persistent and occurs in multiple situations, not just at work, not just in relationships, but in multiple different areas. It's pervasive throughout the person's life. It's inflexible. It's not like they behave that way sometimes, but not others. So it's really important for us to examine that another characteristic of a personality disorder is, is that it is culturally inappropriate. The culture is not supportive of that kind of behavior. And I want you to think about that for a second because I would argue, obviously you can tell from the title that our society has really in many cases started to embrace narcissistic behavior. And I'm curious as to why. So here are some of my thoughts. Traits of a narcissist well, the first trait that we're going to talk about is exaggerating achievements. They need to be recognized as Superior. In the DSM 5TR, they talk about it as grandiosity. Well, why would somebody behave that way? Because remember, behavior is communication. We don't do things that aren't rewarding. So if the behavior was punished, we wouldn't probably do it again or at least not continue to do it and continue to get punished. That just doesn't make any sense. So the behavior is being rewarded in some way and the behavior is serving a function. It's communicating something. So what might that be? Well, in this case, I hypothesize that exaggerating achievements needing to be recognized as superior may preserve people's self worth. Well, where does that come from? Theoretically, the person doesn't already have a good strong self esteem. And why might that be happening? Well, at home they may be experiencing, or as children they may be experiencing what we call ACEs or Adverse Childhood experiences. And those are at the core of, in my opinion, of the majority of personality disorders out there. If we look at the personality disorders and we look at the child's experiences growing up, we often see abuse, neglect, mental illness or addiction in the household. Abandonment. And those are all core issues that contribute to later life problems. Exaggerating achievements. If the child was neglected or ignored when they were growing up because the parent didn't have time for them, didn't want to spend time with them, or the parent was just too depressed or anxious because of what was going on in their life to be able to attend to them, then the child may have started trying to develop achievements, started trying to be the best and get rewards for their behavior to try to get that caregiver's attention. They may have been abandoned. And this can happen through divorce, if a parent goes to jail, if a parent just walks out one day. You know, there are a lot of ways that children can experience abandonment, but for that child, they may be left saying, what did I do? How is it? What did I do wrong? What can I do to get this back? Or how can I make up for driving this caregiver away? And as a result, they again may try to be the best at things, to get rewards and achievements to be highlighted in order to try to retain the attention, the love, the care of the remaining parent, or to at least try to get the remaining parent to pay attention to them. And observational learning. Parents may exaggerate achievements in what they do, and they may be very good manipulators of other people. And if a child grows up in this environment and sees what's going on, then they may learn that this is an appropriate way to behave so they can just straight learn it from parents, not from adverse childhood experiences, but from parents who exhibit these behaviors. And then we want to ask, well, where did the parent learn these behaviors and why did the parent learn these behaviors? Social media is another avenue in which a lot of people may learn to exaggerate achievements and need to be recognized as superior. Think about the desire that people have to get a certain number of likes or thumbs up or shares on a post or a tweet or a whatever they call it on Instagram or TikTok. We have created that environment where we are measuring our worth by how much attention we can get. Additionally, people typically don't post their worst moments. They don't post the selfie that they took. They probably didn't take a selfie when they rolled out of bed with their hair six ways to Sunday and, you know, no makeup on or not brushing their teeth or whatever, that's not going to get posted. Whereas they do post all of their best moments. So when you look at their feedback feed, whatever social media it's on, you see ongoing best moments. You don't see those other times that they choose not to share. But too often we, it's a cognitive bias that we assume that their life must be perfect because everything they share is perfect. We don't step back to think, well, yeah, they probably wouldn't share the unperfect stuff. Another trait of narcissism is the person needs excessive, frequent or ongoing admiration. And this is a characteristic that we see a lot in people who either have a very fragile high self esteem. They have been taught that they are loved for what they do, not who they are. So they need that constant reinforcement. We call that conditions of worth. Or they have a very low self esteem, so they need external validation from other people to tell them, you know what, you're okay, you know, I love you, you're awesome, you're wonderful. And when they don't get that, they start to feel angry and scared and abandoned. These, this trait can also be caused by being neglected or ignored as a child. Children need interaction with parents in order to develop self esteem, in order to develop problem solving skills, in order to develop empathy and emotional intelligence. And if the child didn't receive that, then they may not have the skills to deal with life on life's terms. They may not have. They may have developed the idea that they are unlovable. You know, their, their own caregivers didn't want to give them attention, so why should anybody else? And this need for excessive ongoing admiration may be a way to try to replace that thing that they didn't have as a child. Again, some of this neglect could be intentional, but the caregiver didn't have the time, they were too busy with their life, or they really didn't like the child, they didn't want to have the child, but the child ended up there anyway, or the caregiver had mental health issues that kept them from being able to be responsive to the child because they could barely cope with life on life's terms themselves. Abandonment is another adverse childhood experience. And if a caregiver walks out, if a caregiver abandons the child, whether it's they abandoned them due to addiction, they abandoned them due to going to jail or to divorce, or just again, just walking out. Children are very egocentric and children take things very personally. And they may have internalized the message that they're not good enough, their caregiver didn't love them, and they are trying to fill that hole that was left by not getting the attention and praise and unconditional positive regard that they needed as a child. They're trying to fill that void. How can this happen? Through observational learning. Again, the child may see parents requiring excessive, frequent, ongoing admiration, either through social media or in their work, or even at home, demanding the child Constantly provide them reinforcement, provide them with praise and admiration and tell them how much they love them all the time. Demanding that other people in the household and that they interact with provide frequent, ongoing praise and admiration. And then we also have the case in social media or online of influencers. What is an influencer besides somebody who is demanding frequent ongoing admiration and attention? So we want to look at, where did they learn this? A lot of people in my children's generation grew up. We didn't have influencers when I was growing up. We had, you know, the occasional celebrity. But it wasn't nearly as pervasive in our day to day life and intrusive in our day to day life as influences our influencers are today. And a lot of youth grow up thinking how wonderful it would be to, to be an influencer. They want to be an influencer. So they are going to model and mimic the influencers. And if they receive rewards for that, if they see receive reinforcement for that, then that behavior is going to become more ingrained in them and more pervasive. Dwells on fantasies of unlimited success, power or love. This serves as a survival or protection strategy. A lot of times when children and adolescents fantasize about unlimited success, power or love, what does that mean? It means that they want to get to a place where they are safe, where they're protected, where they're admired, where they're loved. Why do they need to get to a place where that happens? Why do they not feel safe, admired, loved, respected, where they are right now? That's my question. And yes, I mean, children go through that phase where they think they're going to be an astronaut or the president or a rock star or whatever it is. Everybody goes through that phase when they're growing up. But it's a much more extreme fantasy for somebody who is narcissistic. They go after that at all costs because they think that's the only way that they can feel safe in life, that they can feel happy, that they can feel loved. Back to the causes, the same causes we've been talking about. If they were abused, and this is one we haven't talked about yet, but if they were abused, they may get in their head. I will not be a victim anymore. I am going to get to a place where I am successful and I can leave this all behind, where I'm powerful and I'm safe, where I can be loved instead of abused. That totally makes sense. They put on this armor to try to protect themselves and they work incessantly towards getting to this Place where they can feel safe and loved, neglected or ignored. Well, this child or adolescent may want to get to a place where people actually acknowledge them. They feel ignored. They feel like nobody notices that they exist, that nobody cares that they exist. How awful does that feel? Especially when it's coming from your own caregivers. Whether it's intentional or due to mental illness or addiction, it doesn't really matter. The child doesn't differentiate those things. The adolescent often is unable to differentiate those things. It feels very personal. They can't get their caregivers attention no matter what they do, they can't get approval. And it's extremely painful and it feels extremely rejecting. So the reaction to that is to envision a future in which they do have that success and power that help them feel loved and safe and secure. Observational learning again. People, adolescents, children who grow up in an environment that is abusive or neglectful or even in which the parent dwells on fantasies of unlimited success or power. This is the caregiver who is constantly focused on becoming, you know, the most, the best. Keeping up with the Joneses, as they used to say, and always having to be number one in everything that they do. Well, if that is the message that the child gets. The child hears that you're only acceptable if you're number one. So yeah, they're going to dwell on fantasies of success, power and love and they're going to feel like they need to have that in order to be acceptable. Another trait only associating with other high status people or organizations. And that implies that the individual thinks that they are already high status in one way or another. Now some people who display narcissistic traits may believe that. They may believe that, you know, look at all these awards I've gotten. Other people may not believe that. And they are associating with higher status people or organizations and they're putting on this facade to try to be accepted. Sometimes this happens because the person is saying, I'm going to associate with these high status people or organizations so I can break out. You know, you're. These people are not like the people I'm trying to get away from. These people are not like the people that hurt me, that neglected me, that abandoned me. So I'm going to associate with them. I'm going to become one of them because it must be safer over there. Another reason it may happen is that the person needs to be accepted by the people the attachment figure respects. So if their caregivers said that, you know, in order to be, they always highlighted people who went to Ivy League schools or who were in this club or that club, then the child may grow up thinking, well, I have to do that in order to be acceptable, in order to be perceived as worthy by my attachment figures. I, I need to be associating with those people that my attachment figures actually respects because I don't associate with them now or not yet, and they don't respect me. So maybe if I'm part of that group, then they'll actually notice me. This obviously can come from the child or adolescent being neglected or ignored, or even the adult being neglected or ignored because of the people in their life are overwhelmed with other stuff. The people in their life are too focused themselves on trying to get safe, feel safe and empowered. Parents may only associate or caregivers may only associate with other high status people. So the child may learn from an early age, these are the people that it's okay to associate with, and these are the people it's not okay to associate with. And that is a message that is strongly ingrained from, from childhood. And social media can also do the same thing. It's very clear on social media who the people are that you want to associate with based on who your social group associates with. And you can get very clear messages that it's only okay to associate with certain, with people that have certain opinions, values, or organizations that have certain opinions or values. So it's important to really look at how is our culture shaping the way we dichotomize who we spend time with and who it's not okay to spend time with. Another trait, entitlement, or expectations of favorable treatment. This is one that is not uncommon, and it can be a part of fantasy fulfillment. If the person has these fantasies of unlimited power and success, then they may feel entitled, they may expect favorable treatment. They may have learned growing up that they can get their own way by demanding it, either by watching their parents act entitled and get their own way, or by acting entitled themselves with their parents and getting their own way. So it can be something that is reinforced in a behavior that's reinforced in the child. Social media can do the same thing. When we observe online certain people, certain groups demanding favorable treatment, having expectations of favorable treatment, and we see that working for them, then it can be reinforced in everybody who's watching. You know, that's what we call social learning. Another cause could be that the person feels they've already paid their dues, they feel like they experienced neglect or abandonment as a child and now they're entitled to a break and they're entitled to some special treatment because they've already had the world crap on them. And that comes from a place of being wounded and anger and resentment. But it makes sense. I challenge you to think about people that you know that have experienced neglect, abuse, abandonment. And my guess is you'll find at least one or two in there who do have this attitude of I've already paid my dues so I deserve to get a little bit of a break now. Deserve to experience some rewards, exploits others for personal gain with a person that is narcissistic. Relationships are a means to an end. They will help the person advance in some way or help them gain status. They often ignore people's boundaries. It doesn't matter what you think or feel, you're going to agree with me. It doesn't matter what you want, you're going to do what I want to do. They demand commitment. It's not a do you think I'm worthy? It's a you will be my significant other. You will do this, you will do that, you will submit. And that helps maintain the facade that they are all that and a bag of chips. If they've got people around them who help elevate their status and it creates a sense of safety and if they're able to demand commitment and invade others boundaries and they're allowed to do it, then it gives them a sense of power and control. And when they feel in control, they feel safer. Abuse. Obviously we can see how this could happen from abuse and neglect. If the child or adolescent or even adult was abused or neglected, they may figure out that other people can be scary and it can feel dangerous if they're not in control. And so they develop this Persona, if you will, that sees other people not as human beings, not as lovable entities, but as pawns in their game of life. They may have seen this in parents, they may see this in social media. I mean we see on the Internet all the time, whether it's social media or the news or whatever, people exploiting other people for personal gain. And sometimes it's successful for them, sometimes it's not. And the people who try this, if you will, and, and the behavior is rewarded, then of course they're probably going to do it again. The person is unwilling, and I have that bolded and underlined because I think it's important to recognize it's not that they don't have empathy, it doesn't exist in them. They're cold, but they're unwilling to empathize. And that may mean that they empathized before, and they got hurt. And now they put up this wall, and it's a huge, thick wall that keeps everybody out and keeps them from empathizing. Because if they empathize, then they might care. Unwillingness to empathize may help them feel safer because it prevents them from feeling a connection or an attachment with anybody. Empathy is also a skill that we learn over time. And the child that grew up in a very chaotic environment or where there was a lot of mental illness or domestic violence or what have you, may have never learned how to effectively empathize with others because they had their boundaries violated so often. They were told how to feel, they were told how to think. They were told what to do. They never experienced somebody saying, oh, it seems like you feel this way. They never were taught the difference between being assertive and being aggressive. This can happen in abusive households, neglectful households. If a child's abandoned, it may be really hard for them. Remember, children think dichotomously. The person is either all good or all bad. And adolescents also have difficulty understanding all the multiplicity of reasons why somebody may do something. And a lot of times, adolescents still internalize a lot of behavior. And if they're abandoned, then it feels very personal. And they may be so angry that. That they don't want to empathize with the other person. They're unwilling to empathize with that caregiver or person who abandoned them because they're angry. They feel. Remember, anger is a response to a threat. They feel terrified inside. And so they may just cut that off and not empathize at all. Envious of others or believes that others are envious of them. Well, envy is a form of anger. Anger is a response to a threat. People who are narcissists, remember we talked earlier about needing to be the best. And if they don't feel like they're the best, then that means they may not be loved, because they're only loved if they're the best, and that is terrifying. Therefore, when they see other people that are more successful, they may envy them because that does represent a threat to their power, to their security, to their love. They may need others to be envious of them to help them feel safe. If others are envious of them, it may mean to the person who is narcissistic that, hey, I have something that they want. That means I am in a power position. That means I'm safer. We can see that people who have been neglected, ignored, or abandoned may want to be in this position of power, may fear or be envious of others who have things that they don't have, because it means that they are not all knowing, all powerful, which means that they could be rejected. Arrogant or patronizing attitudes. This may be a behavior that helps the person create safety. It's bluster to disarm the threat. If somebody comes at a narcissist with contradictory information or construct even constructive feedback, they may respond in a patronizing way like, oh, bless your heart, aren't you cute? And that can put the other person on the defensive. It may disarm the threat because no longer are you presenting contradictory information, but it may sort of turn the conversation a little bit. It's also not uncommon for people to grow up in environments in which they have been responded to by others in arrogant or patronizing ways, and they've learned that that's an okay way to respond. If you grow up in an environment in which your family or your caregivers or your social circle is the important higher social circle, whatever people that you're associating with, a lot of times the attitudes can be very patronizing toward people who are not in that circle because they feel they've created this environment in which they've convinced themselves that they're special in some way. Under associated features. Now, this is not one of the features that's typically associated with narcissistic personality disorder, but it's a behavior that's talked a lot about when people talk about narcissism online, and it's called love bombing. And love bombing is influencing another person through excessive praise or putting them on a pedestal. How does that work for the narcissist who's supposed to think that they're all powerful in their mind. They know what they're doing is putting this person up on a pedestal that they can knock them off of, thank you very much. And hopefully manipulating them to need them. So the narcissist needs to be needed, and they put this person up on a pedestal, and only they can keep them up there. So if you reject me, then you're going to be knocked off your pedestal. So this puts me in a power position. Grand gestures. And a lot of times with people who are narcissistic, the grand gestures may come at the beginning of a relationship in order to sweep somebody off their feet and disillusion them, make them see the. I don't remember which one was good, Jekyll or Hyde, but see the good side. And then it can come throughout the relationship when they start feeling anxious, like they start feeling like they're being going to be abandoned in some way, then they may pull out a grand gesture in order to make sure that person stays around because that person is integral to their narrative. Grand gestures generally are not out of the goodness of their own heart. Grand gestures are designed to help keep the person around, keep them at arm's length. They may demand excessive communication, which in the early stages of relationships may feel good. It may correspond with that new relationship energy. But in many cases, this excessive communication is designed to make sure that that person is on a short leash, so to speak. They may start pulling out terms like you're my soulmate or saying I love you too fast. And that can also be a way to try to hook the other person in that if I convince you that you're my soulmate, then you won't leave me. If I say that I love you, then that fulfills your need to be loved and you won't leave me. So ultimately, they're trying to say what you want to hear in order to keep you around, in order to keep you attentive, non neglecting and present, non abandoning. So they are in a position of power and they feel like they're in control and they may feel safe in that relationship. However, a lot of times when people engage in love bombing, if you get past the surface behaviors, that wall is still up. They don't have that emotional connection because that's just not even safe. A lot of people in my clinical and personal experience with narcissistic behaviors are very wounded on the inside, and their behaviors are a survival mechanism. Common themes of narcissistic traits. The person often may be reacting from a place of fear of rejection or getting hurt. They were unable to get their needs met. Children or adolescents or even adults, if we're not talking about personality disorders, and so they've developed this alternative, blustery, arrogant Persona in order to try to make themselves feel like they are all that and a bag of chips. In order to try to convince themselves that they're lovable, and in order to try to make themselves feel feel safe from abandonment and rejection. They're often striving for safety and empowerment and approval from others, and oftentimes often as well, from themselves. They may not even approve of themselves. Nobody approved of them. And they didn't learn to love themselves for who they are. And these are all essential features. Now remember, narcissism is a personality disorder on the far end of the spectrum, but it is also a character trait that some people display in certain circumstances. And we need to look at the ways that it is culturally sanctioned. In what ways do we as a culture actually support and nurture this behavior? And what might we need to do differently? Some strategies might include increasing awareness of the functions of narcissistic behavior and the associated beliefs. So why do I do this? And what beliefs do I have that make me feel that I need to act in this way? Mindfulness of how narcissistic behaviors impact a person's ability to have a rich and meaningful life. When I act this way, does it help me move closer to this rich and meaningful life that I really crave and desire? Or does it move me further away? And developing secure attachments in all or most relationships, not just with children or parents, but most relationships. Providing positive regard. The unconditional type I like you or love you for who you are. You are an individual worthy of love. Responding consistently to the person, whether it's your friend or your family member. You don't. It's not a Jekyll Hyde. They're not wondering, well, how is this person going to react this time? Last time they reacted fine, but the time before that, not so much. I'm not sure what to expect, or will they have time for me? Or will they not have time for me? So responding consistently means being there, acknowledging the other person's feelings. And this is where that empathy comes in. Helping people feel heard, feel understood, and sometimes even helping them identify what they're feeling. Especially when we're talking about young children, they may be reacting, but they may not have that emotional vocabulary to say, I'm angry or I'm scared. So through acknowledging their feelings, we may be able to help them put words to the associated sensations, identify the problem and solutions. Talking with people when they are having a moment, when they are in distress, and saying, okay, help me understand what's going on here, what's causing you to be angry? And then working to help them identify solutions. Sometimes that means just listening, but other times it means brainstorming with them, supporting positive action, expressing interest in how did it go? How are you feeling? Has this resolved? As well as interest in them, even when they're not in distress. Expressing interest. Calling up and saying, hey, how you doing? I was thinking about you. What's going on? All of those behaviors can help people feel safe and secure and learn that some of these other things, like the need for excessive communication, aren't necessary, but it's a process. And finally, examining cognitive biases. These are mental mistakes we make, such as the one I talked about with social media, where we assume that somebody's life's perfect because that's all we see. All we see is the perfect stuff. So they must be over the moon, happy, and have a perfect life. Is that really true, or are we basing our assumptions on limited information? Narcissistic behaviors often develop in childhood and adolescence as a result of direct or indirect reinforcement. They may have received praise or positive outcomes for their behaviors, and it may have created safety and empowerment. By acting a certain way. It may have helped them feel in control in a very chaotic situation. Many unhelpful behaviors represent the only way the person found to survive or cope with chaotic, neglectful, or abusive environments. People who don't know how to or refuse to behave differently will often model or teach these behaviors to their children and people around them. Part of breaking the cycle means providing caregivers healthier tools so they can teach children these tools in order to help them feel safe and empowered and create these secure attachments that we know are so critical to later life, health and happiness.