How Prudence Can Improve Your Marriage | Pastoral Counselor Education

Hey there, everybody, and welcome back to the Pastoral counselor education series on restoring your marriage with God becoming more prudent. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. In the first video, we talked about good, orderly direction and how Scripture can teach us very practical tools, even if you don't believe in a higher power per se. And the first of those tools is prudence. Prudence means knowing what you do and you don't know. And I know some of you are going, well, a lot of times I don't know what I don't know. Well, that's just as important to know that you don't know and be willing to ask somebody, is there something I'm missing here? Just the facts. John 8:32 says, and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. Prudence is about knowing the truth. It's about finding the facts in a particular situation, not assuming, not jumping to conclusions, but hey, getting the truth. James 1:19 says, know this, my beloved brothers. Every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger. That in and of itself could save a lot of marriages right there. Quick to hear, that means hearing what the other person is saying, not what you know they're going to say, but what they actually say. Oh, my gosh. Listening and slow to speak, hearing what they say, processing it, and then responding with the most helpful prudent response possible. And slow to anger, not immediately jumping to feeling threatened, but being willing to hear from your partner what's going on with them. Prudence also means be being willing to seek guidance. 2 Timothy 3. All Scripture is breathed out by God and profitable for. For teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for training in righteousness. Remember I said, you know what you don't know? Well, scripture has a lot of stuff in there that can help you figure out what to do. It's a great resource that you can turn to. It's not somebody you don't have to call your pastor, you don't have to call up God. You can open the book and find information. There are a lot of topical Bibles online that you can find where you can type in a concept or you can type in a question, and it will give you biblical verses that may help you find the wisdom that you need within the passages of the Bible. Proverbs 12:15. The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice. Remember, prudence means having wisdom as well, having knowledge. I'm sorry, and appropriately applying it, which means wisdom. So wisdom is not the same as knowledge. Wisdom means having knowledge and knowing how to apply it. So Proverbs is saying the fool is right in in their own eyes, they have the knowledge, but they're not applying it correctly. Potentially so a wise man is listening to advice. They're willing to hear the other person's perspective. In recovery, we have a saying, take what's useful, leave the rest. You may not agree with your partner or somebody else. With me, that's okay. However, hearing first is important, and then you can decide what to do with it. Proverbs 11:14, where there is no guidance, a people falls. But in an abundance of counselors, there is safety. If we get too independent, if we get too caught up in our own glory, if you will, then we become very foolish and we start making mistakes, we start becoming prideful, and we start alienating those around us. So where there's abundance of counselors, where there's a but an abundance of people who are willing to provide knowledge. If you're willing to listen to knowledge, then you're going to have a much stronger community. Prudence also means understanding that wisdom is the proper application of knowledge. Picking your battles and sometimes just choosing silence. Proverbs 19:20. Listen to advice and accept instruction that you may gain wisdom in the future. You hear the instruction, you file it away. You may not use it right now, but you've always got it to refer to if you need to. Proverbs 18:15. An intelligent heart acquires knowledge, and the ear of the wise seeks knowledge. And James 3:17. But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere. The wisdom from Scripture, the wisdom from good, orderly direction is pure. It's not motivated by other desires, by anything subversive. It is pure. This just the facts, ma', am, as they used to say. And then it's peaceable, gentle, and open to reason. So a person may have knowledge, but it may be incomplete knowledge. And you give them another piece of knowledge, and they're open to reason. They're open to hearing your knowledge. They may accept it, they may not. But being open to reason, being open to hear other perspectives, is also part of wisdom. And in relationships, it's so important to hear what your partner is saying and being open to reason, hearing their thoughts, wants and needs, and saying, okay, I agree or I disagree. Help me understand. Prudence means getting into your wise mind before acting or reacting. Why did I hyphenate? Reacting. Because when we react, we're acting the same way we've acted before. So if you have gotten irritated about something before and flown off the handle and the same thing happens again, reacting means you're on autopilot and you're going to behave the same way that you did before. It's important to turn off that autopilot. Get into your thinking. Mind your wise mind, not your autopilot. Psalm 4:4 says, Be angry and do not sin. Ponder in your own hearts, on your beds and be silent. Getting into your wise mind means taking a breath, taking a beat, and being silent. So you can get into that higher order thinking and you can make the best decision and choose your words wisely. Tools for prudence Learn how anger and anxiety are both threat responses. They are fight or flee. When you feel that way, that's your body's response saying, hey, there might be a threat. Kind of like a smoke alarm goes off. And when it goes off, it doesn't mean there's necessarily a fire. It means there might be a fire and it wants you to get up and see if there is. If there's not, you turn off the smoke alarm. If there is, well then you do something else. Anger and anxiety are the same way. I encourage you to objectively identify the problems in the relationship, and maybe even in yourself, but especially in the relationship. Write them down. Don't speak them. Write them down first. Because we want to get them down without coming out the wrong way. So, for example, somebody may write down problems in their relationships. You're cheating, you have relapsed, and you don't love me anymore, as evidenced by you've relapsed or you don't love me anymore. That's even more amorphous. Somebody may go, yes, I do. I love you to the moon and back. And the person's like, no, you don't. Okay, you can argue back and forth, but you don't know what you're talking about. That's like when my son was little and I'd go into his room and I'm like, you never cleaned your room? And he looks around and he goes, yes, I did. Maybe he took the dishes down to the kitchen, but nothing else was done. So we need to objectively state what it is that we are seeing, feeling, hearing that is leading us to this belief. You don't love me more. As evidenced by you used to bring me flowers every week and you haven't brought me flowers in four years. Okay, that's an example. You're cheating. If somebody says that. Well, what makes you think I'M cheating, as evidenced by the lipstick I found on your collar, the text messages I saw on your phone, whatever it is. But give evidence. And I don't want you to think about it like you're in court, but it's kind of like you're in court where you can't just come in and make these random accusations and convict somebody on them. There has to be evidence. And after you identify what the problem as you see it is, as evidenced by, then you have to identify how it makes you feel. These behaviors make me feel angry, they make me feel anxious, they make me feel rejected. And it's important to put that on there so your partner understands. When I do this, it hurts you. Okay? I may not know what to do elsewhere otherwise, or I may not have realized I was hurting you. But then you start opening a dialogue. Understand yourself and identify past experiences that impact your expectations and perceptions in the present. If you've been in relationships with other people who have been unfaithful or abandoned you, how much is are those memories skewing how you interpret what your current partner is doing? We go back to that facts in the present. It's important to recognize when you're reacting out of anticipation or assumptions versus out of facts in context. Same thing with addiction. If you grew up in a household where there was addiction or you were in a relationship with somebody who had an addiction, and you start seeing similar behaviors in your significant other, you may start assuming that they are addicted. Could they be? Maybe. So what evidence do you have that indicates that they are developing an addiction or engaging in addictive behaviors? And how much of that might be your assumption or expectation? Because every relationship you've been in until now, the person has had an addiction, for example, disrespect, that's another one. It's not quite on the same level. Level, if you will, as unfaithfulness and addiction for a lot of people. But if a person feels like they're being disrespected, it they feel like they're not in control, they feel unsafe, they feel powerless. And that will trigger anger and anxiety. So it's important to look at past times that you were disrespected, where you were unsafe or you were powerless. And whether this time is the the same or the person is just being oblivious. And I'm not saying being oblivious is okay. What I'm saying is, is it intentional disrespect or is it unintentional? And you know, in facts and context, did this person, maybe they didn't Call and tell you that they were going to be late and you had dinner on the table. Well, is that disrespectful? Yes. Did they mean to do it if they do it all the time? Well, yeah, that's disrespectful. If it was this one time because they got stuck in a meeting, is that disrespect or was that a mistake? Increase your awareness of triggers for memories of prior things that have caused you distress in relationships so you can separate them, so you can become more aware of. Is this going on right now? Let's go back to addiction and unfaithfulness. A lot of couples come to counseling to try to heal their relationship after one or both of them develops these issues. Okay. And it's important not to hold the person in the present hostage for the mistakes they made in the past. It's important to evaluate the facts in context. When you used to act like this, it meant that you were getting ready to go out on a bender or you were hiding and you were talking to somebody else on the side. Now when you're acting like this, what's that about facts and context and making sure that you're not assuming that just because a person is doing something similar that they are actually doing something similar. Explore the current situations in your wise mind seeking. Oh, I'm going to say it again. Facts in context and addressing cognitive distortions. If you expect something is going to happen, your mind reading. If you say, I know what you're going to say or I know what you were thinking or what you were doing, that's mind reading and jumping to conclusions. It's important to recognize that that's very detrimental because you're projecting your assumptions onto that person. You're making assumptions about what they're thinking or what they're getting ready to do. So don't do it. Likewise, don't expect it. Don't expect your partner to know, okay, oh, hey, she wants me to bring her flowers every Friday because that's what I used to do. They may have just gotten out of the habit and they forgot about it. They didn't realize how important it was to you. It's not that they are trying to be dismissive. They're just not thinking about it because they have all these other adulting things that they're doing now. Not an excuse, just the way it happens sometimes. And if you expect somebody to read your mind and know what you want, know what your needs are, you're going to be sorely disappointed. That's too much pressure to put on anybody. And it's not realistic personalization. When something happens, if you assume that it's your fault, it has to do with you. They're in a bad mood. It's your fault they're in a good mood. Well, you brought that on too. It's important not to personalize everything. They may be in a bad mood because something happened at work. They may be withdrawn tonight because they had a heck of a day and they just ain't got any more energy to give to anybody. It's not you. However, it's important to check the facts in context. And if you've been through some bumps in your relationship, sometimes it's important to be able to say, hey, you are seeming really withdrawn and closed off today. I am feeling anxious about that. Is it something I did? And so the person can say, well, yeah, it is, or no, not at all. I just. I had a heck of a day at work. Okay, jumping to conclusions. You're late. That means you must have been out at the bar with the guys. Well, maybe. Or you smell like alcohol. That means you must have been out at the bar with the guys for hours when they had a drink before they left work. Not that I'm advocating for that. It's important not to jump to conclusions. Listen to what the person has to say. If you think think something's going on, or if you have a question, ask the question, listen to the answer without immediately trying to poke holes in it and find fault with it. Don't assume catastrophizing is when we expect the sky to fall, the worst thing to happen. And it's important when we are in relationships to be more prudent. If your significant other gets really upset and says, you know what, I need some space, and they go on a walk, catastrophizing would mean thinking, oh my gosh, they're going to leave me, our marriage is over. When in reality, they just needed to cool down a little bit and all or nothing. Thinking or focusing on the negative is also something to explore when situations happen. Are you assuming or focusing on the negative? You never do this. You always do this. Something that you don't want. And focusing on the negative instead of also acknowledging the positive. Okay, you didn't do this. Acknowledged, however, you were doing this instead. And a lot of times in relationships it can be difficult to prioritize. I know my husband and I have gone through this where we have a list of honeydews, and I know what I want him to do first, and he may not do It. Unless I guess, what, communicate to him. I'd really like to have this pushed to the top of the priority list. I don't expect mind reading anymore. That's a good thing. And I don't focus on the negative. I don't focus on what he didn't do. I try to look for what did he do. Instead, think before you speak. Be truthful in anything you have to say. Make sure what you have to say is helpful. There are a lot of truths out there. Your significant other may come out of the bedroom, and you just absolutely hate that shirt they have on. Okay, that would be truthful to go, oh, my gosh, who dressed you? Is that helpful? No, it's not. Unless. Well, no, it's not. If they want to dress that way. They're. They're big people. Is it inspirational? Can. Are you saying it in a way that encourages them or is it critical? Maybe saying, you know what? I think your blue shirt would go so much better with those pants. Okay, so if you think, you actually have to say it. If you think for whatever reason it. It actually has to be said, you're being truthful. You're not saying, oh, that shirt's got awful. You're saying, I think this other shirt would go better. So you're giving a different perspective. Is it necessary to say it if your significant other is getting ready to go in for a huge job interview and you think that their choice of attire is just totally going to bomb the interview? All right, it might be necessary. Or is their choice of attire just not what you would have chosen? And then if you decide you have to say it, in addition to being inspirational, say it as kindly as possible. Think before you speak. Truthful, helpful, inspirational, necessary, and kind. Another activity that is super helpful and super necessary for this whole process is for both partners to sit down independently and define their rich and meaningful life. What people, places, things, experiences, achievements are important in their life. That's their rich and meaningful life. So you have both of both people defining their rich and meaningful life. Why do we do that when we're doing couples counseling? Why do we do that independently? Because you're not you. You get married, but you don't lose yourself. So it's important that each person recognizes what's important to them. And then you're going to get together and define as a couple, what is our rich and meaningful life look like? For example, my husband loves to travel. I hate to travel. So since traveling is important in his rich and meaningful life, what is that going to look like? He started his pilot training and now he can fly and he can go see other places. And he's not gone for a super long time if he wants to do that. And I'm able to stay back at the farm and take care of things. We each are attending to the things that are important in our rich and meaningful life for ourselves as well as for a couple. We're making a compromise. People who are prudent begin with the end in mind. So you start with that rich and meaningful life. What do we want to work? To work toward? What is our land of milk and honey, so to speak. Let go of assumptions. Prudence and assumptions just don't go together. Prudence and facts and wisdom go together. Listen to the other person's point of view, explanation, or interpretation. You don't have to agree, but it's important to hear it because that is their perspective. If they are seeing the sky as purple, well, that's their perspective. And it's important to recognize that even if you don't agree. All right, the sky's purple. What do we do about that? Consider the facts in context. Is there actually a threat? And we'll go over forgiveness in session five. There are things that may make you feel anxious or irritable, and it's important to check. Is this something that is going on based on facts and context, or am I projecting something from my past? If it is something that I feel anxious about based on what's going on right now, okay, that's all right. What is the best course of action? One of them may be communication. The person may not realize they're doing something that's making you feel angry or anxious. So communicate first and forgive. Eventually, it's going to be important to forgive. If they change their behaviors, forgiveness will be next. Recognize what you do and do not or may not know. Knowing that you may not know what you don't know is just as important as knowing what you don't know. I hate getting into that circular set of words, but it is helpful most of the time when something is bothering you, when something's upsetting you, especially. But even when things are really going well, like you have this idea and it seems to be going well, get perspective from somebody else so they may be able to help you see your blind spots. The stuff you don't know. Think before you speak. Now, after seeing, hearing all of these things and going through these exercises, which of these behaviors could have prevented problems in your relationship up until now? And which of these behaviors might you want to work on in order to reconnect and start healing your marriage. It's going to be a slow process, but first we need to look at prudence. What is the most prudent course of action? What are you going. What steps are you going to take? And then we will start working on some of the harder stuff.