How to Avoid Dating a Narcissist

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on how to avoid dating a narcissist. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. Now, y' all know I've typically shied away from talking about narcissism because there are a lot of YouTubers out there and a lot of authors out there that are addressing the topic of narcissism. However, one of you subscribers did ask a question about how to avoid dating a narcissist. And. And I wanted to make sure that I did answer that because your questions are important to me. So in this presentation, we're going to talk about who narcissists are attracted to, ways to spot a narcissist, ways to explore why you are drawn to a narcissist, and tips that you might use for early in the relationship. That is, you don't know this person's a narcissist yet you just met. So how can you navigate this meeting or early relationship to avoid getting drawn in to the trap or the web of the narcissist? If narcissists are attracted to you, they may think you're going to make them look good. Now, narcissists don't want to be overshadowed. However, they do want people around them that are going to make. Make them look good, that are going to enhance them. You may find that narcissists are attracted to you because you meet their needs for effusive praise. If you are constantly praising someone, if you are enamored by someone, and this can be really easy to do if somebody is really brilliant or really talented at something. And don't get me wrong, not all people who are brilliant or talented are narcissists. But if they're. If the person is brilliant or talented and a narcissist, then they may be drawn to you if you are constantly fawning over them. They may be drawn to you if you validate their perception and overlook all of their flaws. You know, other people might give them constructive feedback, but you just fawn all over them and you just. You don't see their flaws or you ignore their flaws. They also may be drawn to you if you make it clear early on that you are very unlikely to leave them. They are that good and you will be there for them forever and always. It's important to remember that narcissists are extremely clever and they will do whatever they need to do to get you hooked up. Then it becomes about them. It's this bait and switch. And a lot of people, when they get into relationships. That first six months of NRE or New Relationship Energy is a whirlwind. And that first six months we tend to put on our best face or put our best foot forward. And then after that, once you've been together for a while, you tend to start showing more of your real colors and being a little bit more authentic. Not saying that's how it should be, just saying that's how it usually plays out. It's important to recognize, though, with narcissists, there's going to be a significant change, a significant pivot. It's not going to be the person goes from putting their clothes away as soon as they get home from the laundromat to leaving their clothes out. It's going to become much more toxic. Foreign it's important that you define what you want and need in a healthy relationship. In order to get into a healthy relationship, you got to know what you're looking for. You don't go to the grocery and just aimlessly pull stuff off the shelf because you're hungry. Well, maybe you do, but you don't eat healthfully that way. Likewise, you're not going to get in a healthy relationship if you're aimlessly pulling relationships off the shelf. You need to know what you want and need in a healthy relationship. Define that first. It's unlikely that you are going to meet someone who meets every single criteria on that list. However, you want to look for somebody who meets most of them and figure out there's going to be some that are non negotiable. And a lot of these things we're getting ready to talk about hopefully would be non negotiable. Learn how to spot a narcissist. Listen for what I call the vocal warm up. When singers get ready, opera singers, etc. They may sing a me me me song and obviously I'm not going to sing it right now. But if the person that you are with is regularly singing their own praises, it's all about me, me, me, me. Listen to what I did. This is what happened to me. That's a clue. It may not be. It may not necessarily mean they're a narcissist, but it's really important if it's all about them all the time that you take that into consideration. It's also important to pay attention to how they portray other people. If they're talking about co workers or people that they used to know or people that they used to date, and they're always disparaging those people, that is a big clue that you May be dealing with a narcissist. It's important. None of us is perfect. However, when you are talking about people, think about when you talk about people. When you tell stories about your friends or your people that you used to date or your family, there's probably some positives in there. It's not just about how bad they were and how everything was all their fault. How do they respond to a difference of opinion? Ooh, this is a big one. A narcissist does not like dissension. And if you have a difference of opinion, they will typically, at the very least, get pouty or questioning and patronizing in their response. Are you sure? Yeah. Okay, Well, I guess that can happen. You know, they make you start questioning your own opinions and your own thoughts. They need to be the center of attention, receiving frequent praise. We've already talked about them talking about me, me, me. So they give themselves a lot of praise, but they also need you to give them a lot of praise. When they do something, it's not enough just to see that they did it. You need to be effusive in your praise about how wonderfully they did it and how grateful you are that they did it. They habitually point out your faults. Again, none of us is perfect. And it is not uncommon to occasionally point out something that bothers you. When my mother and my stepfather got together, she didn't always put her shoes away, and that was something that really bothered him, and so he pointed that out. But he didn't point out all of her faults all the time. It was just, you know, okay, this is one of those that I really need to say something about. That's okay. But if somebody is regularly pointing out your faults, regularly making sure that you know that you are not perfect or worse yet, that you don't measure up, then that is a sign of a narcissist. They have a sense of entitlement. If they want to do something, you're gonna do it, by gosh golly darn. And it doesn't matter what your feelings are or what your thoughts are. They have a sense of entitlement when it comes time to choosing a vacation or getting a raise or buying a new car. If they want it, they believe that they should get it. And they won't take responsibility if they make a mistake or hurt somebody's feelings. And this is another one of those big red flags. If you notice that they can never say, I'm sorry. If you notice that they can never admit that, hey, maybe, maybe I screwed up Here, that is a big red flag that you very well may be in dating a narcissist early on in the relationship. Like I said, you don't know the first time you meet somebody most of the time if they're a narcissist, so you're going to go out with them a few times, you may start talking to them for a little while before you realize, ooh, this is not a good thing. So early on in the relationship, pay attention to reciprocal self disclosure. The narcissist is kind of like the search engine of people. They pay attention to everything you say and they gather data on you. That way they can use it to manipulate you in the future. If you're talking to somebody who's a narcissist and you say something like, I love ballroom dancing, they may pop up and say, oh my gosh, me too. Okay, is that true? Narcissists will lie in order to try to create a feeling of connection. So ask follow up questions when what's your favorite ballroom dance? Or where did you take lessons at? Or where do you like to go ballroom dancing at? And if they don't have answers then, or they stammer a little bit, then that may be indicative that they're not being truthful and they're just trying to manipulate you. Avoid sharing very personal information in the first few weeks. Now, obviously you're going to share a little bit, but getting to know each other, you're going to talk about your dogs and where you grew up or those things. But don't share anything that's really intimate. Don't share anything that you wouldn't share with a co worker or a neighbor because again, the narcissist is going to take that information and they may use it against you. If you share with them some of your deepest fears, they may use those to punish you should you not behave as they want you to. Don't fight for the relationship right at the very beginning. Narcissists often engage in this push pull thing. And so at the beginning of the relationship they want to see are you committed to, are you invested in this relationship? So they may say, you know what, this is just a summer fling, don't expect me to be around or oh, we have so many differences. I just, I don't know if this is going to work. Their hope is that you are going to try to convince them that it's not just a summer fling or that you can overcome your differences. You're going to start from the very from jump fighting and putting a ton of effort to proving why, that they should stay with you, why this relationship's going to work. And that tells them that once we get into the relationship and this person is actually emotionally and maybe financially committed, that the chances of them, the chances of you abandoning them are very, very low. Maintain yourself and your private time. Narcissists will dominate and isolate. They will want you to be fawning over them. They will want to be the center of your world at all times. Part of this is because they need the praise, they need the constant recognition, the constant reassurance. But part of it is also to isolate you from people who might say, ugh, that doesn't really look like a healthy relationship. So they're going to get pouty when you want to go spend time with friends, or heaven forbid, you should want to spend an evening alone. And it's important to look at those things and identify what's going on here. Are they trying to dominate and isolate? Notice the energy balance and reciprocity in the relationship. Initially, during that new relationship energy phase, there may be a fair amount of give and take. There may be a fair amount of energy balance while they're trying to get you hooked. But it's important to notice if that energy balance suddenly changes or if it becomes, or starts, even starts out as very imbalanced, where you're giving and giving and giving and sacrificing and they're not. That's important to recognize. And if you happen to be dating somebody who has a lot of resources, for example, make sure that you are aware of what's going on. It may not take a lot of energy or effort for them to buy you a bunch of stuff, whereas you're giving a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of energy. They are creating a facade. So really examine. I encourage people on a monthly basis, at the very least to examine the power dynamic in their relationship. Is this equal? Do I feel fulfilled? Am I getting my needs met? Well, as, you know, meeting theirs and recognize the power and control cycle. This is something that was initiated to refer to domestic violence, but it's true here because narcissism is very often a form of emotional abuse. In a narcissistic relationship, there will be that honeymoon period, that new relationship energy period, where things are going great, where there's calm, you're happy, wonderful, everybody's getting their needs met to some extent. Then tension starts to build, and that's when the narcissist starts withdrawing and demanding more from you and giving less in return. Instead of each of you sharing equally, they're just throwing you the occasional crumb. That's the tension building. The eruption happens when you start to set boundaries at that point and you say, what happened? You used to be really nice. You used to do all these things. We used to have fun together. And what the heck happened? And even if you do it very assertively and very calmly, the narcissist will erupt. They don't like being criticized. They don't like being examined unless it's, you know, with praise. So they will erupt and they will create a lot of bluster, partly in order to make you think that your feelings and your thoughts are wrong, because it'll come back to you. They will blame you for everything. Well, this is your fault. If you would have done this, if you would have done this, if you would have told me this is what you needed, then I would have done it. They will always have an excuse. And that's the eruption period. You may break up, or things may get worked out a little bit and you reconcile, and then there may be a brief honeymoon period again where the narcissist is trying to get back into your good graces. And then it all starts all over again. Unfortunately, just like in domestic violence with in a narcissistic relationship, the honeymoon period, the calm period, gets smaller and smaller and smaller until it is only lasting a few hours or maybe a couple of days. If you find that you're attracted to narcissists, it's important to explore why do you need a project? Do you think that you can fix people? And a lot of people who are attracted to narcissists say, see the dysfunction in their behavior and really want to fix them. The narcissist doesn't want to be fixed. They don't see anything wrong with the way they are. That's why it's a personality disorder. Personality disorders are often seen as what we call ego syntonic. The person doesn't see a problem with their behavior. Is it transference? Maybe there was someone in your past who was a narcissist and you really wanted them to love you. Maybe it was a family member or, you know, a parent. You wanted them to love you, and you never were able to get that validation from them. So now you see them in other people and you're attracted to other narcissists, Trying to get somebody that resembles that person to love you. Do you get into these relationships because you just don't know any different? You were raised in a household where your caregivers were narcissists or one of them was a narcissist. And this is how you, how you think people treat one another, how you expect relationships to be imbalanced. Are you getting in these relationships because you have low self esteem? You feel like you deserve all the criticism you get. You feel like you should be grateful for anyone wanting to be in a relationship with you. Do you get into these relationships because of the person's charisma and excitement? Some narcissists can be very charismatic. They can be very entertaining, it can be a lot of fun. It can be a whirlwind to be with them. And if you're struggling in your life because you're feeling depressed or you're feeling out of sorts, sometimes you may seek out these relationships because there's such a rush that you feel something. Instead of feeling nothing at all, you feel something. Are you getting into this relationship because you're seeking a partner who will dominate or control the situation? And I don't mean that in a negative fashion. Some people really enjoy being with a partner who is more dominant. They prefer being more submissive. There are dominant, submissive relationships that exist that don't involve narcissism. Narcissism is toxic. It's pathological, it's malignant. There's a difference. Domination in, in this sense, I'm thinking more like seeking someone who, who will take a caregiving parental role because you have difficulty feeling safe. Now there are. Obviously you want to explore why that might be, but again, why are you getting into this relationship with this person that has these characteristics? Are you addicted to love bombing or nre? That's when you get into a relationship and it's just all in immediately. And it's again, it's a rush. And some people get addicted to that feeling of the rush of hormones and emotions and everything. And it's going so fast. And it's important to examine, you know, why that is, why are you addicted to that? Why are you seeking that rush? Or why are you seeking something to go very quickly, Are you hoping that you get into this relationship really quickly so they won't see this goes back to low self esteem so they won't see the real you and you can sort of hook them yourself? Or are you getting into relationships with narcissists as I mentioned before, because you're just pulling any old person off the shelf because you're afraid to be alone? Narcissists are very attuned to people who are afraid to be alone and they play off of that in order to make sure that they are connecting with somebody that is easy to manipulate. Someone who would rather be in a dysfunctional relationship than in no relationship at all. Narcissism takes on many different forms. Core features involve needing to be the center of attention at all times, needing frequent praise, inability or unwillingness to handle criticism or dissent. Don't you dare have a different opinion. Lack of remorse or empathy when they make a mistake, do something wrong, or hurt your feelings. Being in a relationship with a narcissist can initially feel exhilarating. That's the bait part. But that often quickly is replaced by anger and despair. That's the switch part. When you get into it and you're like, ooh, I bought a lemon here. It was really important when you are dating to regularly examine, like I said, when you start out a relationship with a narcissist, it will often feel very exhilarating and feel very normal at first. And so it's important to listen for those clues about how they perceive other people and how they perceive themselves in relation to other people and the world, because eventually you're going to be one of those other people.