How to Have Difficult Discussions with Your Children | Parenting Tools

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on having difficult conversations with your children. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. When someone we love gets into trouble or is doing something we don't like, it can be scary. We're afraid for them, for their future, for their safety, and we may be afraid for ourselves. And we're going to talk about that. The first thing to do when and. And in general, we're going to talk about your children today, even your. Your adolescent or adult children. First thing to do is take a time out yourself. When you're angry and afraid, it's important to get your stuff organized and packed back up, because ultimately, right now, this ain't about you. When you make it about you, you're spilling your luggage all over the place, okay? So you need to get all that stu concerns, all that self consciousness, all those, you know, questions that you may have about whether you were a good parent or whatever. You need to pack that stuff up. You can deal with it later. But this ain't about you. Tell the child or adolescent that you love them and want to hear what they have to say, but you're very upset and need a few minutes to calm down before talking. So it's important to let them know that they are loved. You. You may really dislike whatever they did, but they are loved. And you want to hear them. Because a lot of adolescents especially believe that you don't want to hear their side of the story, that. That you're just going to come in with both barrels and tell them what for. And it's important to make sure that they know that. Okay, you know, if we talk right now, I'm not going to hear much. And because I want to hear you, I need to take a time out. I need to get into my wise mind. That's also excellent modeling for them so they start learning how to cope with really strong emotions. Number two, get grounded. Practice deep breathing while you are grounding. Some people, when they practice that deep, square breathing, will dissociate. But if you practice it while you're grounding, it keeps you focused in the present moment. So one of the things that I like to do in this situation is the who, when, where, what, why grounding Instead of the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. This is who, when, where, what, why. So I am Donnelly snipes. It is 9:12am I'm in my office at my home in Nashville. I'm surrounded by Lily Messi, Mojo Brewster, and Vicki. It's quiet and I feel safe. So with each sentence, I'M taking a breath in and exhaling. I'm sitting on a brown chair practicing grounding. I'm taking a moment to get into my wise mind before talking to my child. So I don't say or do something I regret and I don't take my stuff out on them. So by the time you go through that, who am I, when am I, where am I, what am I doing and why am I doing it? You've had a chance to let some of that adrenaline kind of bleed off. Number three, make an actual list. And why do I have the word actual? Because you're, you're actually going to write it down. Now. You can do this on the computer. You don't have to do it on paper and kill trees if you feel better. But it's important to write it down. So you have an action plan. Make a list of issues that you may have to deal with. Some, sometimes some of them right now, but some of them will be dealt with later. Like anger at yourself for missing it. You should have seen the warning signs, blah, blah, blah. Okay, again, that's about you, not about the situation at hand. So since this isn't about you, that's something you need to deal with later. Anger at yourself for not preventing it or maybe even causing it. If they got caught with marijuana and you are, you know, you smoke marijuana, you know, they may have seen that and be have been imitating you or even used some of your stash. Okay, so that's another thing that you need to address later. That's your stuff. Anger about losing money. Maybe you had to go pick them up from school so you had to call off from work or you have to pay fines because they got into a car accident or whatever it is. Okay, that's about money. That's about you losing money. That's not about them right now. Anger or fear that you're not respected. This is again, something that's more about you than about them. Fear that your kid is making a huge mistake. Well, yeah, as parents, we're going to be anxious. We're going to have these fears and we need to work with our children to help them figure out how to solve these problems. Or fear that other people may judge you for your child's behaviors. And this one, again, is your stuff. This is so clearly your stuff. And it's stuff that you need to deal with later. So making this list gets it out there and, and on paper so your mind doesn't start throwing that out at you when you are trying to have a discussion with them, you can come back and deal with this. You can address all these things. It's also helping you identify all of the sources of your anger and anxiety right now so you can figure out which ones you're going to deal with and when and in what order. Number four, review your plan. The child or teenager is probably already on the defensive and expecting you to just unload on them. All right, Consider how this may have been a developmentally driven behavior. Everybody needs to feel safe. Everyone needs to have a sense of love and belonging, and everyone goes through a stage of individuation and identity exploration in middle and high school. They're going to do things that you don't like and to. To try it out because they're curious. They are going to try to individuate, to see how they're different and maybe how they're the same as you. So it's important to consider, is this a developmentally normative behavior? You don't have to like it, you don't have to condone it, you don't have to support its continuation. But be before you get completely freaked out, you know, stepping back and going, you know, when I was their age, did I do something similar or did I have friends that did something similar? Again, it doesn't mean it's okay, but this is another step in getting into your wise mind and getting all the facts so you recognize that the child is probably already on the defensive and by recognizing if there is a developmental component to it where they were trying doing something they felt they needed to do in order to feel safe. Maybe they were be being bullied at school and so they acted out in a way that they. So they could feel safe. All right, may have been the wrong choice. However, you know, we want to look. What was their behavior saying? Why did they do it? Start by creating safety. And, and remember, you're just reviewing your plan at this point. And this also is helping you get into your wise mind. You're going to sit down in a neutral ish area without what I call looky loose. So sit down. Not in their room, not in your room, in the living room, for example, or out on the porch or somewhere that is a neutral area. And without siblings, without housekeepers, without anybody else, that's going to be an audience. This is between you and them. Start by reiterating how much you love them. And even if you don't like or approve of their behaviors, you will always love them. And this is so important in order to help them feel safe. Because right now they're probably going, I don't know what's going to happen. I really screwed up this time. And then say something like, we need to talk about what happened, whether it was they stole from you, you know, personal theft, drug use, pornography, sex, bullying. We need to talk about this issue and just kind of put it out there. It's not, how could you. Or I raised you better than that. It's like we need to, I need to understand what's going on. We need to talk about this. Start by asking for their side of the story. You know, tell me what happened. You know, you were bullying somebody. Yeah. Why? What brought that about? You know, how did that happen? What were you trying to accomplish? And, or drug use or, you know, any of those things that we talked about. What motivated that behavior? Ask them about the benefits of the behavior and listen for self medication or problems that need to be addressed that they may not know how to address. And they're doing it the best way they know how in their child mind. If they're having pain or sleep problems or attention problems or mood problems, then they may be engaging in substance use, for example. So we want to explore that. You know, are they using because it makes them physically or emotionally or mentally feel better? Okay, well, there are other alternatives potentially, but listening and, and instead of judging them and saying, okay, you were doing the best you could with the tools you had and let, let's look at what other options there are. We want to listen for affective problems, cognitive problems, you know, they were having difficulty with attention, environmental problems they were using to escape. Maybe you and your significant other have been fighting like cats and dogs and they were just trying to numb it out. Or maybe they were trying to escape because school is so completely awful and the bullies just keep coming at them or whatever, they're not safe, they're trying to escape. Okay, so let's figure out how you can, we can help you or how I, as your parent can help you feel safer without having to escape or relationally. You know, maybe they were doing it for acceptance. Everybody in their peer group did it or safety. They were doing it to protect themselves from bullies, from somebody who might have physically hurt them or hurt their, hurt their reputation. You remember back in, in school, middle school, high school, reputation was a big thing. So if they wanted to stay on the team or the squad or whatever, they may have felt compelled to acquiesce to certain behaviors. Now, you know, that's something we can talk about, but let's just hear, let's Understand from that child's perspective. And it's important, vital, crucial. I can't think of any other words right now that we also look at it from their perspective in their shoes. As an adult, we've been through similar things. We can see clearly other options. They seem so obvious, not so much to the kid. And as an adult, we can recognize that, you know, certain behaviors weren't okay and see why, you know, maybe being part of that group really isn't all it's cracked up to be. But from the teenager's point of view, from that person's point of view, that was vitally important at that moment. So we need to understand it again from the child's point of view, from the child's shoes. Think back to when you were in whatever grade and the things that you did, the things that you encountered. Yeah, you probably look back and go, oh, I should have handled that way differently. But, you know, hindsight is 20, 20 or better, so compassion is really important. Validate. Recognize their perceptions as valid for them. They felt like it was the end of the world. They felt like they had to do this. They were curious. Okay, I hear what you're saying about it. What you're. You're not saying I condone it. You're saying, I hear that you were curious. I hear that you. The experience was fun. Okay, it was. I hear that it was the best response you had given the skills and tools you had. Okay, I am not invalidating that. I am recognizing that you did the best you could, or I am recognizing your point of view. I may not agree, but I am recognizing your beliefs and your feelings about the situation. It's important to again, look at those problems that behavior may have been designed to address. Maybe it was self medication. Maybe it was helping them stay safe. Maybe it was making sure they were accepted. Or maybe they started down a path, whatever path that was, and they didn't know how to start. Stop. And they feared asking for help. They didn't want to let you know that they had started using drugs and now they couldn't stop. Or they didn't want you to know that they had started having sex, and now they decided they didn't want to and didn't know how to stop. You know, there's a lot of things that children and. And adolescents may experience, experiment with, even though they recognize it's not something their caregivers approve of. And then when they do it, if they get in trouble, they're afraid to reach out to the caregiver for help because they're like, oh, they already told me not to do this, and they're not going to help me. It's important that we let them know, I love you, I'm going to help you. I may not like what you did, but I love you. And respond. Their understanding of the drawbacks of the behavior for themselves and others is important to understand. You know, we asked. We started out by asking about what were the benefits? You know, that's a way to help lower their defenses. Because you're not coming at them going, you should have known better. You're saying, help me understand. Help me understand why. What were the benefits? But it's also important to go through with them their whole thought process and explore what do they think were the potential drawbacks of the behavior? Physically, you know, what do they know about how this behavior could impact them or other people? Physically, affectively, what are the drawbacks to how this behavior makes you and your friends or your parents and other students feel? You know, if you're being a bully, for example, it may make you feel less unsafe, but how does it make everybody else around you feel? How does it make, you know, me, your parent feel? How does it make the other students feel when you're around? And is that what you really want? Cognitively, you know, what is the impact that this has on your attention, on your brain fog, on your ability to achieve your goals? If you're engaging in criminal or illicit behavior or bullying, which you know in. In many cases is also criminal behavior, how is that going to potentially negatively impact your ability to achieve your goals, to get into college or to get the kind of job you want, or whatever it is? Environmentally, in what ways might this behavior have inadvertently put others in harm's way? So drug use is a perfect example. If you are using drugs and you're carrying and you're in the car with friends and they. The car gets pulled over and. And the police officers find your drugs, you know, that could potentially put them in harm's way. And relationally, how is this behavior impacting your other relationships? Is it building up those people that are important to you, or is it pushing them away? Again, validate. Express yourself objectively and calmly, remembering that anger and fear are responses to a threat. So start out with something like, you know, I love you and this situation really concerns me. And state your objective concerns. Not because it's wrong or it's stupid or you're not ready or I raised you better than that. But objectively, what are the drawbacks that you, as the adult see in this situation, Then encourage open discussion of the issues, potential problems and solutions. Adolescents tend to think they know everything and parents are clueless. This is has been true throughout the generations. It's important that we hear their thought process and what options they think are available. Most likely they don't. They're not aware of all of the options, so they only have a tiny subset. That's when we can come in and make alternate suggestions and then discuss the pros and cons. Say, okay, I, I hear those are some options you have. What do you think about this? What are the benefits and drawbacks to trying this strategy? This helps them learn how to problem solve. Instead of saying, no, you've got to stop doing that and do this instead of, it's important that we help them learn how to problem solve, continue to create safety. I know some of these keep repeating, but it's that important. State reiterate the b. Your boundaries and consequences of violation of these boundaries. So if we're talking about sex or drugs, for example, in my house or in my car, this cannot happen. You know, hard boundary, hard line in the sand. This is not acceptable. And if it happens, these are the consequences. And, and as a caregiver, that's. You need to figure out what those are at school. Yeah, these are the rules. You can't have weapons at school. You can't have drugs at school. You can't have sex at school. So you can't be doing that at school. Okay. Regarding behaviors, you know, I can't monitor you 24, 7, 365. And although I wouldn't say this to them, I know good and well after being a teenager myself that teenagers are going to do what teenagers want to do if they're duly motivated. Again, wouldn't say that, but knowing in the back of my head, but acknowledging to them, I can't monitor you 24, 7, 365. This is not a prison. What I do need from you, you need to maintain your work or school attendance or both. Your grades need to stay up. I'm assuming they're still in school. And you need to participate actively in family activities. You know, these are the things that need to happen, you know, while you're living, quote, under my roof. And in general, if you get arrested, this is what's going to happen. This is how I'm going to react. Or for children who have already moved out, maybe they're in college, if you flunk out of school or if you get evicted from your apartment, these are the consequences. And these will Be your options. So you're being very objective about what's going on. However, you know, it also gives them some wiggle room to figure out, okay, well, there's time during the day where I'm not at home and I'm not in school and if I've already done all my homework and there are no family activities to do, then I have this extra time. It's also important to identify any areas where the child may need to make restitution. You know, you're safe, I love you, but I am not going to pay for your misdeeds. So if the person needs to repay for something they stole or if they need to make restitution for something, okay, you know, let's talk about how you're going to make that happen. Open communication to help them stay safe and willingness to help them get help are also really important. You know, leave the door open, you know, restate. I love you, I really want to help you and I am here. All you've got to do is ask. A note about tough love. Tough love comes up a lot in comments on the YouTube channel. And I want to point out that tough love never ever, ever involves abusive verbal or physical behaviors. That's abuse. That's not tough love. That's abuse. Abuse creates fear, secrecy and isolation. This is why we started out with a timeout. Helping you as the caregiver, as the parent, get into your wise mind so you're not angry, so you're not reacting, so you're much less likely to to become aggressive verbally or physically. Tough love does mean setting boundaries and adhering to them because you loved the person and are trying to motivate them to stop being self destructive. Something like, I will always love you and I will always be here to help you do the next right thing, but I will not enable your self destructive behaviors. Now I grew up in a family where there was a lot of addiction and it was. I saw tough love firsthand and I saw how hard it was to for the caregivers to say, you know what, I love you and I'll always be here for you. And if you want to go to treatment, if you want to start doing the next right thing, you can move back in, you can live in my house, but you cannot live in my house and use at the same time. I will not co sign on those behaviors. So tough love is adhering to boundaries even though it hurts. And that's where the tough part comes. It's not because it hurts the person as much as it hurts you. It's tough because you're saying, oh my gosh, you know, I just want to give them a hug and help them do the next right thing or but I can't force them to do anything. So tough love is saying, I'm here to love you when you're ready to stop being self destructive. And then number five, finally you done reviewed the you took your time out and you made a list of all the things that in in your suitcase that you need to deal with. Then you reviewed your plan for having a discussion with them. Now number five is have the darn discussion. This is not a guarantee of a successful resolution. It could go sideways, it could not go where you want it to, or the child could potentially just storm out. This is an opportunity, though, to try to better understand what's going on with the child, to open a door for future discussions or assistance, and ensure that the child knows that they are loved and have a safe place to go, provided that they follow the rules. Having a discussion in the heat of anger or fear often results in being verbally aggressive and failing to hear or understand the other person's point of view. Taking a time out and reviewing the plan gives you the opportunity to separate your your unresolved stuff and your ego from the presenting issue. Again, it ain't about you responding in a way that helps the child feel safe, solve problems and respect boundaries, enhances your attachment and improves your relationships.