How to Help Someone Who is Grieving and 10 Things NOT to Say to Them

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on helping others through grief and loss. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Let's start out by talking about what grief really is. Too often people think that grief is only what happens when somebody dies. And it's so much more than that. Grief is a feeling you experience after a loss. You could experience it after a loss in your health. Maybe you get a diagnosis of a progressive illness or something happens. You're in a car accident and you lose some abilities, you're going to grieve that. You may experience grief after the loss of mental health. When you become depressed, for example, you may grieve the loss of being happy. You may be sad about the fact that you, you don't feel happy anymore. If you were doing well, if you had already had an episode and you were in remission and you relapse, you also may grieve that relapse. Some people, when they lose their mental health, so to speak, begin taking medications or have to do things differently than they did before, such as stop, stop using alcohol or drugs. And they may grieve the loss of a particular lifestyle. As a result of that, some people will lose dreams, hopes, worldview, or freedoms. Now we know what it means to lose a dream. If you had a dream of becoming an astronaut when you were a kid, at some point you came to the realization, unless of course, you're an astronaut, you came to the realization that that wasn't going to happen. And you may have grieved it a little bit, or maybe it wasn't that important to you, so you just kind of let it go. But we generally have ideas, we have things that we hope for, and if we realize that we're not going to be able to achieve them. There's a grieving process that goes with that. You may grieve the loss of your worldview when you anticipate people to behave a certain way, when you anticipate things to be and go, go a certain way and it all goes topsy turvy, then the way you perceive the world has changed and you have to grieve the loss of your perception, grieve the loss of your expectations. And sometimes you have to grieve the loss of your freedoms. There was a period when we were in quarantine that people were grieving their loss of being able to go out and about. There was, you know, for people who go to jail, they obviously are losing their freedom and grieving that, grieving, not being able to kiss their kids good night. Grieving, not being able to see their friends grieving, not being able to eat the food they want when they want. And I know all of those might seem like little losses, but who's to say what's a little loss and what's a big loss for any person? And you can lose people or jobs, you can lose them obviously to death, you can lose them to divorce, you can lose them to betrayal or a falling out. You can lose them due to retirement. When people retire, it can be really hard for them to adjust. And there's a grieving process because they're losing that routine. So basically what I'm saying here is it's important to recognize that there are a lot of things that can be grieved. And when you lose something, when something changes and you feel angry and or depressed about it, you might want to ask yourself, am I grieving this loss? What is it exactly that I lost? And am I going through the grief process and what do I need to do? Anticipatory grief is what you feel about an impending loss. Maybe you get a diagnosis of a terminal illness or a progressive illness that is going to take away some of your physical abilities, maybe progressive blindness or Parkinson's disease. That anticipatory grief is the grief that you feel periodically after getting that diagnosis, before the losses actually happen. Anticipating the loss, anticipating what's to come. And anticipatory grief can be applied to things like empty nest as well. I know my kids are getting ready to move out of the house, and some days I'm like, woohoo, I'll have the house all to myself. But most of the time I feel a little sad and I'm anticipating what it might be like when they are gone. So there are a lot of things that we can anticipate as well. And just because a loss hasn't happened doesn't mean it's not triggering grief in you. And finally, disenfranchised grief is when your grief about whatever it is or the way you are grieving is not supported by larger societies. When somebody says it was only a dog, or when somebody says just get over it, or when you're told to suck it up and move on, or that your grief is invalid in some way, you are disenfranchised. You are not allowed or afforded the opportunity to grieve in your own way. Often when there's one loss, there are other secondary losses. If you lose your health, you may also lose your hobbies. Maybe you develop really bad knees as you start to get older. And One of your favorite hobbies is running or rock climbing. Well, you can't do that anymore. And you may need to grieve that. Maybe you're in a car accident and you have a spinal injury and you can't do some of the things that you used to do. So not only did you lose an ability when, but you also lost things, other things in your life that were important to you. Sometimes when you lose some of those hobbies, you also end up losing or fundamentally changing your friendships. Maybe you used to hang out with this group of people who would all go cycling together on the weekend and you can't cycle anymore, okay? That may result in a changing or a distancing from those people if they insist on continuing to do what they're doing and not also compromising and doing things with you. Mental health. As I mentioned earlier, when our mental health goes, when we develop depression, anxiety, ptsd, whatever the diagnosis is, we may lose some of our quality of life and our energy to do the other things that are important to us. If you, if you're depressed, having the energy and enthusiasm to get up and go work in your garden or go to the gym or do the things that you normally like to do and be around the people that you normally want to be around, it's just not there. So you're losing those other things. You're losing connection and other things that could make you happy. Dreams. When our dreams are shattered, whether you break up with somebody that you thought you were going to get married to and have 2.4 children and a house and white picket fence and a dog or something else, it often also saps motivation and direction. You may not know where you're headed or okay, what am I going to do now? Which can add to anxiety. If you lose a spouse or a significant other, you may also lose your in laws, whether it is due to divorce or death. A lot of times when a spouse passes, the legal family sort of dwindles off. You may lose contact with your stepchildren if it was a particularly nasty divorce. You may lose contact with your own children if they blame you for what happened. You may lose your mutual friends or your lifestyle or even I didn't even put up here pets. A lot of times you'll have pets that you acquired as a couple and only one person gets the pets. So there are other secondary losses to be grieved. When you lose a friend because of betrayal, it may also alter your worldview. You never expected somebody could do that to you, so now you've got to rethink your perception. And whether you're able to trust other people. And when you lose your job, whether it's because you retire or you get fired or laid off, you're no longer around those colleagues. You're not getting that social support that you used to get from the people that you worked with. You may lose your purpose. If you really liked your job and you learned, looked forward to getting up and going in every day. And you may lose structure. And for a lot of us, structure is really important. And that can leave you feeling like you're a fish out of water just kind of flailing on the ground. So the grieving process in general has five stages. And denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. And you'll see I left bargaining out of this because bargaining is sort of difficult to define for a lot of people. But the denial process, this isn't really happening, or I'm not going to believe it's happening. Anger and anger can be at yourself, at the person, at the situation, at your higher power. Anger can be towards anybody. But anger is a threat. Threat response. There is something that is very important to you. Your job, your friends, your. Your pets, your significant others, whatever. It is very important to you. And something's threatening to take it away, or something took it away, which puts you in high alert, which puts you in threat response. Anger is a natural emotion. Being angry that you had no control and being angry that you can't get it back. Depression is a sense of hopelessness and helplessness when you're recognizing that what's gone is gone and it can't be changed. However, a lot of people mistakenly believe that you go through this in a linear process. You don't. Many people bounce back and forth between anger and depression for a while, and I'm not putting any numbers on it, because your grieving process is your grieving process, whether it takes you a few months or a few years. And acceptance is the final phase of the grieving process. Working through the anger and depression and getting to a place that you've integrated it into your narrative in a way that is meaningful. And I like to think of our lives like a narrative, like a series on television or a really long book, and with chapters. And when that person passed away or that loss happened, that may have been the end of a chapter, but then there are other chapters after that. So how does that event and how does the. All the stuff that preceded that event, how does that influence the future chapters? When you're trying to support somebody who's grieving it's hard to know what to do. And people who are grieving need to feel like they've got rights. They need to feel like they're in control of something because guess what, something that was very dear to them just got ripped out of their hands or ripped out of their heart and that was completely out of their control. So people have the right to know the truth about the loss, what exactly happened, to have questions answered honestly, to see the person or animal that died or the place that was destroyed. This is very common after a tornado or a hurricane where people need to go to the site of what happened, they need to see what happened, or they need to go to the site of the car accident to get some closure and say their final goodbyes. Not everybody wants to. And that is a very personal decision. What is it that you want to know and what is it that you need to experience in order to be able to integrate this? People who are grieving have to be allowed to need people and be heard with dignity and respect, have their anger heard, have their depression heard, have their happiness heard. When they, when they do feel happy and not to be made to feel guilty for how they feel when they feel it. They have the right to not be strong. And so often people will comfort those who are grieving by saying, oh my gosh, you are so strong, or I know you're strong and you can get through this. And the person who's grieving going, I just want to be weak right now. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to have to be there for everybody else. I need to be able to focus on me. We need to ask people what they need, how we can best serve them. They have the right to not agree with your perceptions or conclusions. Maybe you think this was, quote, the best thing or they're in a better place now. There are all kinds of perceptions and conclusions that very well meaning people may offer to those who are grieving and it feels, feels very invalidating and very callous in many ways. So the person who is grieving does have the right to disagree and to tell you you're wrong. And this is not a time that it's appropriate to get in a debate with them. They have the right to talk or not about the loss and their feelings as much or as little, little as needed. I remember there was one time when one of my daughter's show chickens got killed. She was very young at that point and she came down to the kitchen the next morning and started getting breakfast and I said, how you doing? And she said, I'm fine. And I said, okay. I said, I'm either waiting for the other shoe to drop or you are really resilient. And she looks at me and she goes, I don't know what resilient means. And I told her, I mean, that you bounce back. And she thought for a second. Now, mind you, she was only about 10 or 11 at this point. She thinks for a second. She goes, I'm really resilient. Holding on to sad doesn't do me any good. And goes about making her breakfast. Okay, then. So I was anticipating. I was expecting her to react the way I might react because I tend to be very emotional about our animals. And it's not that she didn't love Peggy. She loved her to death. However, her reasoning was holding on to sad doesn't do any good. Okay, well, if you don't need to talk about it, then we'll move right on. And it's really important to recognize and respect what people need. And not to say, oh, you're just. You're suppressing it or you're avoiding it, or you're ignoring it, or conversely, you're talking about it too much. Why don't we change the subject and give you a break? However much they need to talk about it, they have the right to grieve any way they want as long as they're not hurting themselves or others. If that means sitting in a dark room for a couple of days and crying, okay. If that means doing things to distract themselves, okay. Whatever it is that is meaningful to them in order to help them work through the process is what they need to do. They have the right to feel all the feelings and to think all the thoughts of their own unique grief. They may be happy that the loss occurred, and they may feel guilty for being happy that the loss occurred. And I'm thinking for people, for example, who have a terminal illness, who have been not having a high quality of life up until their passing, the bereaved may feel a sense of relief that that person is no longer suffering or in pain. They may be happy that certain things happen, or they may feel guilty for being happy in the midst of their grief. They're grieving, they feel really bad about something, they're depressed, they're angry, whatever feeling they're feeling at that moment. But then something really good happens and they feel good, and they may feel guilty for having that happiness breakthrough. We need to validate that it's okay to feel every feeling about whatever's going on. Feelings are natural. They have the right to be allowed to bounce between stages of grief. We don't want to say, well, you already went through anger. You know, when are you going to get to acceptance? Come on, chop, chop. They need to vacillate and bounce back and forth as much as they need to. They have the right to not be cheered up or fixed. So often it hurts. It hurts our heart to see those we love struggling or suffering when they're grieving, Regardless of what they're grieving about. And we may want to. Our gut instinct may be to try to cheer them up or help them get a break or try to fix it or make it better. And that's not helpful unless the person asks you to do it. We want to allow people to be able to sit with their grief and feel their feelings until they're ready to take the next step forward. And 99.999% of the time, they can fix it as well as it can be fixed on their very own, thank you very much. It's just a matter of when they get to the point of being ready to fix the situation. For example, if somebody's beloved pet passes away, you don't want to get them a new puppy. That's to try to fix it, to try to fill the hole in their heart. No, no, no, no, no. That is invalidating to their feelings. And they may even feel guilty about acquiring a new pet or a new significant other if their spouse had passed on. We need to let them tell us. Let the grieving person be the guide and be willing to sit with them in their grief, to empathize, to strap on that repelling gear and go down in that dark well that they may be stuck in right now and just sit with them. Maybe you don't say anything at all. You just sit there and that's okay. They have the right to have grief bursts. Generally, as the grieving process goes on, the grief bursts become less intense and fewer and farther between. But they may happen for quite a while, years. And it's important to recognize that that's okay and not invalidate the people's feelings about when they have their grief bursts. And grief bursts are just like what they sound. Going from a period of being okay or content, whatever word you want to use, to all of a sudden having this wave of grief hit them and feel completely bowled over by it again. They have the right to be angry at death, at the person who died, at their higher power, at self, at others, at the situation, whatever the loss entails. They have the right to be angry at whatever and whomever they want as long as they're not hurting themselves or others. And then to process that anger. In what way does that person, thing, situation represent a threat? In what way can you address that? And that's, I mean, unless you're a therapist, that's not something you're going to be dealing with. I'm just pointing out that it's natural for people to be angry and admonishing them to not be angry or it's silly to be angry about that, or you have no right to be angry about that. Well, yes they do. They have the right to be angry at whomever or whatever they want, thank you very much. They have the right to be involved in the decisions about the rituals related to the loss, whether it be death and burial or retirement and retirement parties. There are a lot of feelings that need to be taken into consideration. They have the right to not be taken advantage of and to have guilt about what they could have or shouldn't have done. It's not our place to tell them, oh, you shouldn't feel guilty about that or they would have understood you shouldn't feel guilty about that. If they feel guilt, guilt is self anger and that is another anger that they're going to have to process. But it's not our place to tell people what they should and shouldn't feel guilty about unless they ask our opinion. Other important points ask, don't assume, instead of saying, I know how that feels, say, I don't know how you're feeling right now, but please know that I care and I'm only a phone call away. So. So you're acknowledging that their experience of grief is their own. You may have experienced grief, but you're not experiencing the same exact grief that they are. And it's important to acknowledge that they may be experiencing things differently. But letting them know I'm here if you need me, asking is there anything you need or that I can do to allow you space to grieve. If a parent, for example, loses a spouse and they've got children that they need to take care of, or they've got pets that they need to take care of, or a house that needs the lawn mowed and whatever else, all of those things, those have to dos are so hard to do when you're grieving. When you're grieving, you need space and time to grieve. So a person asking what can I do to give you space to feel your feelings? Is very liberating for a lot of People because it acknowledges that, hey, you don't still have to be strong. You don't have to do everything. I'm here to help. And asking, would you like me to stay and help, or would you like me to go home? Sometimes people want to be alone. Would you like me to bring over food? After my mother died, the church congregation was wonderful about wanting to help, and they just kept sending over food like crazy. And my stepfather was not eating. He was not hungry. And it was difficult for us to get basic nourishment in him for a period of time. But he felt guilty for letting the food go to waste. He felt guilty that these people were working so hard to make meals, and he just. He didn't have an appetite, he didn't want to eat. So he felt guilty for rejecting their kindness. He. Yes. In our society, a lot of times when somebody is grieving, we try to lighten their load by saying, hey, you don't have to cook. I'll bring you food. But it can be helpful to ask, would you like me to bring you over food? What would you like? Try not to be directive and tell people what to do, such as you need to just clear out all of their stuff so you're not reminded of it all the time, or you need to put those pictures away, or you need to get out. Get out of the house and get a change of scenery, and it'll help you feel better. Don't be directive. Ask them again. What is it that I can help you with now? Or what is it that you want to do now that might help you feel better? 10 things not to say. I had to include this list. Time heals all wounds. Yeah, not so much that. That just feels hollow when somebody says it. And it basically communicates to me, get over it. You know, this. This, too. It'll. It'll pass. You just need to find a new normal. Well, yeah, I know that, but I'm not ready to do that yet. I. I want what I had. I don't want to have to find a new anything. So telling somebody to find a new normal is saying, forget the past, move on. At least he lived a good life. The end. It doesn't recognize what you're going through. It doesn't recognize your loss. Maybe the person lived a good life and died peacefully in their sleep. Okay, fine. That may happen. However, the person who is grieving needs support. The person who is grieving is the one who is hurting right now and needs people to recognize their emotions, their pain, their status. It was just a Blank, blank, blank. It was just a dog. It was just a house. It was just a job. Maybe to you, but maybe to me it was something different. I remember when they sold my grandmother's house after she died. I took it really hard. She had always lived in that house my entire life. And that's where most of my good memories were, were in that house. And all of a sudden, very shortly after she died, the house was gone too. So it was kind of a double whammy. And I remember driving down the cul de sac and it felt like, you know, somebody punched me in the gut. It wasn't just a house. It was a lot more than that. You can get another one. Your house burns down. Grieving again. Grieving the loss of all the memories that you had, the sense of safety that you had in that house, whatever it is that you need to grieve the loss of a pet. That is very callous when somebody says, oh, you can just get another one. No, I need to sit with my feelings and grieve my loss. The loss of a spouse, maybe to divorce. Let's go with a little less macabre. Or a child or a pregnancy. If somebody has a miscarriage or a stillbirth, saying, well, you can get pregnant again, that is totally insensitive and fails to recognize the emotional impact of that loss on the person. Even if they were still in their first trimester, it is still devastating for people. Or it can be. At least you still have your mom if your dad died, or at least you still have a family that loves you. If you lost significant other, or if you lost your job or whatever you lost. At least you still have your health. Yes, when we're grieving after a loss, we probably do still have a lot of things in our life that make it rich and meaningful, but we don't need to be bombarded with that right now. Right now, we are focused or the person is focused on trying to figure out, what do I do with this? How do I integrate this into my narrative? There's a reason for everything. Not everybody believes that. I guess it was just his time. It's time to move on. You may think that, but there is no timetable on grief. Now, they do have persistent grief disorder in the DSM 5TR. That is for somebody who's experiencing feelings of grief and bereavement that are causing them clinically significant impairment in functioning a year after a loss. Now, that doesn't mean that their grieving is pathological. It means that they are acknowledging that it is causing Them clinically significant distress and it's impacting multiple areas of their life. So it is important to differentiate that. It's a little bit on semantics, however, generally grief abates a little bit by the end of the first year, where you can get back to doing at least the basic putting one foot in front of the other, doing your activities of daily living. And if people are struggling with that after a year, then seeking help might be useful for them to help them process what's been going on. It doesn't mean it's going to necessarily move any faster. Or finally, he or she tried to hang on until you got here, but they couldn't. Oh, what a guilt statement there. A lot of times people mean that with encouragement or with compassion that they. The person who passed really wanted to see you, but they just couldn't do it. What the grieving person hears is you let them down. So avoid that one too. Mention how wonderful the person was. Mention how much you loved them. If you need to refer to that person or that situation at all. Grief is not just about the death of a person. It's about the loss of anything that's important to you. Each person will grieve in their own way. And there is no timetable. No matter what the DSM tells you, there is no timetable. However, we do want to help people start to get back to some semblance of a reasonable, reasonably healthy life within a year. And again, it doesn't mean everything's going to go away. And there's been a lot of turmoil about the prolonged grief disorder diagnosis, but I see it as a starting point and I see the clinically significant impairment as a important part of it, because we do need people to start eating healthfully. We need people to be bathing and doing their just basics of activities of daily living to function and start resuming some semblance of what they hope for in a rich and meaningful life. Being supportive means expressing empathy and listening more than talking. Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me what you're thinking. I don't know. I'm not you. I am here to empathize. I'm here to support you. What is it that I can do? Do you want me to help? Do you want me to back off? Paying attention to what people want is so important. A lot of times those who are helping other people grieve or think they're helping other people grieve are doing what they would want. So they're doing. If Sally is helping sue, who is grieving, Sally is doing for sue what Sally would want done for her instead of asking sue, what is it that I can do to help you? What is it that you need to work through your grief process?