How to State Your Needs While Respecting People’s Boundaries

This episode was pre recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar on demand. CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register@Allce.com Counselortoolbox. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on teaching assertiveness skills. Over the next little while, we're going to define assertiveness and explore the consequences of non assertive behavior. As a clinician and as a human being, I've recognized that there are a lot of issues that come up when people are not able to to be assertive, when they don't have the skills to be assertive. And so we'll look at what some of those are that may be manifesting in the clients that are coming into your practice. So we want to look at what's going on with clients that might be have an underpinning of non assertive behavior. Then we'll identify the roots of non assertive behavior because there are some pretty predictable reasons why people either become aggressive or passive and miss that whole assertiveness boat. Then we'll talk about overcoming the stress barriers, the social barriers, and the belief barriers to being assertive. And you're probably scratching your head going, well, what are those? We'll talk about those in a minute. They make a lot of sense once you get into them. We'll talk about doing a reality check, looking at nonverbal behavior, and I'll give you a little hint about what's coming up. There's a wonderful website that I found on nonverbal behavior that I'm going to start using not only with my clients, but also with some of my supervisees and some of my students that are trying to learn to read non verbal behavior because it gives a lot of really good tips and it's free. Gotta love free. We'll talk about giving your opinion in an assertive way, providing constructive, not critical feedback, and finally making requests of people without trying to control them. So we don't want them to feel like you're demanding something. We want them to hear it as a request that they can choose to either accept or decline. But we also want to figure out how to present it in a win win sort of way so people, when they hear it, are more inclined to accept as opposed to decline. Start at the beginning. What is assertiveness? Assertiveness means stating your feelings, wants and needs clearly. Part of that means we have to understand what our feelings, wants and needs are clearly before we can tell anybody else. So I refer you back to mindfulness. We need to Help clients identify what they're feeling, what are they wanting, and what are they needing? A lot of times our clients are not wanting somebody to do this for me right now. They are feeling powerless. They are feeling out of control, and they're wanting control. So as clinicians, we can help them look at the underlying issues behind some of their demands. We want to state our feelings, wants, and needs with ownership. It's my feeling if I am feeling guilty, if I am feeling angry, if I am feeling. However, it is my feeling. It is not your responsibility. You know, something you may have done may have triggered it, but it is my responsibility for owning that feeling and choosing what to do with it. And we want to state it with conviction, but I don't know, and obviously I'm being sarcastic. If we have a feeling, if we have an opinion, somebody asks us, did you like that movie? We want to say yes or no. Not yes, but, you know, I don't know. What do you think? Assertiveness means stating what you think or what you feel and your opinion without having to hedge it. Why is it important? Because when you are passive or aggressive, your feelings, wants, and needs are often not heard. Think about the person who's extremely passive. They tend to be very quiet. They never seem to have an opinion of their own. It's just whatever, that's fine. It's okay. They have opinions. So the question is, what needs are they getting met by being passive? But also, what needs are they not getting met by being passive and what may be causing them to feel upset? Now, this isn't true for everybody. My grandmother, bless her heart, is probably one of the most passive people in the world. And she would go along, go with the flow. And I mean, granted, she was born back in the 1920s, and that was kind of the way that women were supposed to behave. But it didn't bother her. She wasn't depressed that she wasn't able to assert her feelings and be an equal partner all the time. She was very happy with the way things were until one day she had finally had enough. And she turned around to my grandfather, and he's. She was all of about, you know, five foot soaked and, you know, 100 pounds soaking wet. My grandfather was six three and a big dude, and he was mouthing off about something. He was kind of cranky, and she turned around to him one day and she said, you know what, Eddie? And flipped him off. And my grandfather stood there and he was in shock, and he was just like, oh, my gosh, we've been married for, like, 30 years, and you've never talked back. And she promptly turned around again, didn't miss a beat. And she said, you know what, Eddie? I didn't mean that. I want you to take a whole handful. And that was the beginning of her assertiveness coming out. Little background. My grandfather was a. Was an alcoholic, and when he was using, he tended to be a lot grumpier. And she had finally had enough. So she decided to start setting boundaries. And it took a little bit of time to look at. Okay, what do you get about getting from being passive? This is what you were taught you were supposed to do, but what is it that's eating you up inside? And as his alcoholism got worse, her resentment and anger was starting to grow. So that was when she decided, you know what? I need to start being assertive, pseudo aggressive. And they started getting along a lot better after that, once she was able to state what her needs were in relation to his drinking. When people's feelings are not hurt. Let me talk about aggressive real quick. When people are aggressive, we all know somebody who is really aggressive. They will get in your face. They will be loud. They will demand things. A lot of times they don't get their needs heard either, because people are either trying to say, okay, just be quiet, and trying to pacify them, or people are backing away and trying to withdraw from them. Because we don't like to be around people that are outwardly aggressive all the time. We want to be around people who we seem to feel mutual respect for. So either way, these people are not getting their needs met. The aggressive person gets even more aggressive when they feel like their needs aren't being met. And the passive person tends to feel more hopeless and depressed. So it leads to feelings of isolation, resentment, and anger and depression or helplessness. And it depends on the person. Not every person is going to have all of these. But thinking back into clients that I've worked with over the past couple of decades, the majority of my clients have not had assertiveness skills. And they have been passive and passive and passive to the point that they just finally exploded. Now, this may have happened back when they were knee high to a grasshopper. So by the time they were adults, they were just flat aggressive. Or it may have come on over time. The point being, we need to look at, when did you stop feeling like your needs were being met or feeling like you were being heard? So what's this stress barrier? We know the stress reaction is fight, flee, or freeze. And I put freeze in there because sometimes you Just, you can't do anything. You're like, oh, crap, what just happened? Becoming assertive is stressful. When you're in one of those situations and you're trying not to either be back down or lash out, you're trying to learn a new skill, it's stressful. I mean, anytime you learn a new skill, it's stressful. You have to change the way you interact with others. So you're going to have to stop and really think about it. Now, it's not overly stressful to the point where it's not worth doing, but I want clients to realize that it's going to be stressful. You're going to have to think about it for a minute and give yourself time to pause, figure out what you're going to say and then say it. But also, others have to change the way they interact with you. So it can be stressful that way because they don't know what's going on. All of a sudden you're acting differently and they're just like, whoa, Sally suddenly has an opinion, or, you know, whatever the case may be. So there's a whole upsetting of the apple cart, if you will. The homeostasis in the system, whatever social system you're in is going to be upset a little bit. So that's a little stressful. In the past, when people are in a stressful situation, we want to ask them, what did you do? Did you withdraw? Did you become aggressive? Or did you just shut down? Remembering that people who come from addicted families, the motto, don't talk, don't trust, don't feel. So a lot of times, people in addicted families either shut down or withdraw. Every once in a while you've got some people who act out, but more often than not initially, they're so withdrawing and shutting down until they start feeling so abandoned and so resentful and so angry that they're just like, screw the world. It's going to be my way or the highway, and I don't care anymore what anybody else thinks. The stress response is designed to protect you. So when there's a stressful situation, we want to fight or flee. We've got to work against that and convince our body, convince our brain that there's not a huge threat here. We don't need to fight or flee. We need to take a breath for a second, figure out what to do. Ignoring this urge is extremely difficult until assertiveness has proven itself. Now, what do I mean by that? When people are used to being aggressive, guess what? They've been aggressive in the past and it's worked for them. So their brain has filed it away with that works, let's do it again. If they've been passive in the past, maybe that's how they were taught when they, as they were growing up. They were taught to just shut up and everything will kind of smooth over. You just kind of need to back off for a while. If that worked for them, then that may be their go to response. Assertiveness, standing up and saying what you need, even if maybe you knew how or you tried, if it's been punished before, then a lot of times people are going to be even more antsy about trying it again. They're going to want to go to the things that they know work. So until we prove to them that assertiveness works through group activities, through role playing, even in individual counseling, when people are talking to you, when clients are talking to me, I ask them what they're thinking, I ask them what their opinion is. And if they start to hedge, we might talk about why they're hedging instead of. Or if they start to become aggressive, we might talk about what threat did they perceive and what is it that they're needing right now so we can back off on the emotional level and start looking at it cognitively to help them figure out what the next best step is for them at that point. Once they've gotten used to using it in counseling, in group therapy, in role playing situations, in safe places, then they can start trying to use it at home or with safe people. And I suggest that they pick one or two safe people, not just okay, now it's time to release this on the world. Go ahead. Some people are going to respond better than others. Some people are going to be more accepting and supportive of self improvement than others. So I asked them to choose one or two people with whom that they are going to try to start being assertive. And we talk about what that would look like. We talk about situations that this might come up, we may role play those situations out ahead of time and say, okay, maybe you and your roommate constantly have these arguments over leaving dishes all over the living room and it ends up being this big knockdown, drag out, you know, blow up every time. So if you're going to try to use this with your roommate, in what way could you approach him or her to address this situation? We're going to talk about how to create those situations a little bit later. Helping the person make this transition and have successes with assertiveness is crucial to them adopting Assertiveness as a communication style, the social barrier. People in your social circle expect you to act and react a certain way. If Sally has always been very quiet and timid and never really had an opinion, all of a sudden she starts coming out with opinions. People aren't going to know how to deal with that. If Jane over here is always the more aggressive one, the more dominant one, and suddenly backs off, and it's just like, you know, we can do what you want, then people are going to start wondering, are you depressed? What's going on? Did something bad happen? Is it me? Changing your behavior confuses other people. We expect certain types of behavior from the people that we interact with. If it's a complete stranger, it's one thing. I mean, common politeness dictates how you react and interact to strangers. But if you're dealing with somebody at work, your co workers, you know each person you interact with in a slightly different way and you expect them to react. And in relatively the same way each time. Our egocentric society leads people to expect that if you change your behavior, it has to do with them. So if you change your behavior and instead of being all up in somebody's face, you start backing off, they're like, did I make you mad? Why aren't you talking to me? You're usually here. So other people could get very confused. And the power dynamic starts to change as we move forward. Aggressive and passive to assertive. On both parts, people strive for consistency. If you used to be aggressive, changes may be interpreted as depression, disengagement, or worse, exploitable weaknesses. If you used to be passive, people may interpret the change as rejection and push away. So if you start asserting what you want, people may be like, but no, I liked being able to be the one that kind of ruled everything. Then we can talk about in therapy, if people decide to disengage from the relationship. When the person starts using assertiveness, we can start looking at the quality of the relationship prior to that. What does it mean if this person is less involved with you now that you're stating your wants, needs and desires? And the belief barrier. Reality is 90% perception and 10% fact. Our interpretations influence our reaction. So anytime you are in a situation, somebody could say something and you could interpret it as sarcastic, you could interpret it as supportive, you could interpret it a whole host of different ways, but based on prior learning with that person and a whole host of things. So what influences our interpretations? Vulnerabilities? People who are in pain or exhausted, having difficulty getting through the day. May have difficulty dealing with any more input. So they may interpret things more negatively. Maybe somebody who's in chronic pain, the boss comes in and asks them to do something else and they just like lose it. They interpreted that as the boss not caring and dumping even more stuff on top of them, even though they're in pain and they're exhausted and they can barely get things done. So you know, if I were talking to a client about that interaction, I might say what did the boss know about what was going on with you? And was this person actually trying to dump more stuff on and make your life worse? You know, that's an interpretation that the boss doesn't care. So we want to look at the cognitive distortions that may be accompanying some of this prior learning experiences. If somebody calls you and says come to my office or if you get home and your spouse says we need to talk, both of those, the interpretation is generally not something that's super positive. Most people have negative prior learning experiences with phrases like that. So somebody may interpret it differently than what it was meant. Transference and overgeneralization. If you're talking to somebody and they remind you of somebody from your past that you let's be positive that you really got along with, then you might interpret more of what they say as positive. If you didn't get along with them, you might interpret more of what they say as being aggressive or attacking, which can cause a stress reaction. So we need to get past this belief barrier, these unhelpful thoughts and look at what's before us and see, okay, if we're going to be assertive, we need to get rid of this notion that there's a threat. Got to identify anything that's causing a threat and the other person's non verbals may communicate to you that there is some element of a threat. So what do we do? First we start with a threat assessment. Failure to be assertive stems from prior efforts to to being assertive, being punished. So we want to look and say what's the likelihood that if I'm assertive right now there's going to be punishment. Then we go to fear of rejection. What's the likelihood that if I am assertive that this person will be rejecting of me or my ideas and how much and why do I care? This takes us. You know, that whole need for external validation and need for approval takes us down the self esteem path, which is another reason a lot of people aren't assertive. They don't want to make waves because they want approval. They don't want to be isolated, they don't want to be rejected. So they just take all of their thoughts and feelings and wants and put them in a little box and go, whatever you want, as long as you'll be my friend. These are some of our biggest hijackers to being assertive. So our reality check. First thing is we want to check our automatic or current beliefs against guess what? Reality. So the first thing you ask yourself, what's my perception of what's going on? We'll go back to the employee whose boss dumped stuff on her and just didn't care that she was exhausted and in pain and couldn't even seem to get what she had already on her plate done. So then I would ask her, what evidence do you have for and against this perception? So what were the words that your boss said? What were the non verbals that your boss communicated? Was he or she communicating? I don't care how you feel, you just need to get it done. Or was he or she communicating? I need to get this done and I'm oblivious. What's going on with you? You know, bosses aren't necessarily meant to handhold. They're not necessarily meant to come in and ask you how you're doing every single day. So sometimes it's up to the employee to be assertive and go, you know what, boss? I'm doing pretty good just to be here today, so I am going to get everything I can done to the best of my ability. However, you know, I do have some other stuff going on in my personal life, in counseling. Obviously that brings up the issue of appropriate self disclosure. You know, your boss probably doesn't want to know if you've got explosive diarrhea. But if you're not feeling well, then you know, that might be something that he or she wants to know. Then we ask, how valid is the evidence? So we've got the words, we got the nonverbals. How valid is this evidence? Did you see it? You know, maybe your boss called you and told you something, so all you heard were the words and you didn't have the nonverbals. We know that 80% of communication is nonverbal. So if you didn't have that, you know, maybe your boss sounded snarky because somebody walked into his office while he was making his phone call to you. So you don't necessarily know what was going on. Then we ask, are you reacting to feelings or facts? Did the person feel exhausted, feel overwhelmed, so they projected all that onto the situation? Did they feel misunderstood? Did they feel like their boss didn't care? Or is there some factual basis to it? Did the boss say, I don't care that you're in pain right now? I need these six things done by Friday. Am I magnifying or catastrophizing? That's something that people need to ask each other or ask themselves. Sometimes when things happen, people take one thing and it's like, well, he's always dumping stuff on me. Maybe it's the end of the month and they have to have all the billing in by the fifth of the next month. So he needs it done this weekend or this week. So is it always that the boss is demanding all these extra things or just at the end of the quarter or the end of the month or, you know, have I stated my feelings and needs objectively and clearly? That goes back to thinking about, did you tell your boss, hey boss, I'm not feeling so good today. You know, I really wanted to be here and I'm here, but I'm probably not going to be 100%. So non verbals. And before I get into that, I will point out that thebodylanguageproject.com is that free website I was telling you about, has great articles, great tips for people, and it's not, you know, super out there. There are great tips for people who are interviewing for jobs. I know a lot of our clients are trying to get back into the workforce, but they're also great tips for people who are trying to reconnect as a family. If there has been some discord, which often there is, to help understand different nonverbals and what they mean. And that's also a thing that we can help parents with because they can see the nonverbals in the kids and you can call them out right then and be like, you know, so anyway, key points with nonverbals, when you're communicating, when you're trying to be assertive, you don't want to be closed off. You don't want to be in somebody's face, you don't want to be threatening. But you also want to take your, take your lead from them to a certain extent. So baselining is when you get, guess what, the baseline of how does this person generally respond? How far are they from me? How animated are they? You know, me, I am like super animated. Whether I'm on camera doing one of these presentations or I'm just at home, I, you know, I'm super animated. So getting a baseline on how that person reacts and interacts, getting A baseline on what that person's relaxed face looks like. Maybe they have one of those faces that looks lost in thought or unhappy when they're relaxed. Understanding that that's just how that person looks is part of being assertive with them. Instead of saying, oh, you know, Jane looks like she's really angry or unhappy. I must have done something, or maybe I won't be assertive. Maybe I'll just keep my stuff to myself right now. But if that's how Jane looks all the time, then you're never going to say anything. So get a baseline. Figure out how people look and act around you. Just in general. Look for congruence. And this is one you get with kids a lot when you ask them, did you do your chores? Yes. When the nonverbals are not congruent. Now I had to think, think really hard to make that happen. Other non congruences would be if somebody saying, I'm listening, that totally communicates, I'm not listening. I'm standing here under duress. There's a closed off posture. One shoulder's away, head's tilted down. It's sort of aggressive. But you can't just look at one particular nonverbal. It's whether the person looks up and right or down and left, or whether they smile or they don't smile. Just one of those things can mean a myriad of different things. So you want to look for cue clusters and the rule of four. You want to look for four clues that tell you how the person's doing. So you want to look at their legs, their arms, their face, their eyes, their eyebrows, something in order to get a better, more global picture of what's going on. The young woman in this picture, when I first saw it, I thought, you know, she looks unhappy, maybe angry. Then I looked at it some more and I said, you know what, maybe she looks like she doesn't feel well. And then I looked at it some more and I thought, you know what, maybe she's bored and she wants to go somewhere else. So just looking at this picture, I came up with three very different emotions. An interesting activity to do in group is to show some of the still images and ask people, what's this person feeling? What's this person maybe thinking? And help them identify how much cognitive stuff they put behind their interpretation of someone's nonverbals. One thing I ask them to look at, and one of the things we focus on a lot is closed postures. Because when somebody closes off, they're not open to hearing us. And when we were all in counseling 101, we were taught that we had to have our posture open and leaning forward and all that stuff. So what does closed posture mean? It can mean a lot of different things. If somebody's angry, it means, I don't care what you say, I'm not going to hear. Could mean I'm afraid of what you're about to say, so I'm going to protect myself from you. It could mean I'm in pain or I'm exhausted. So go ahead and try to hold it together and I'm going to try to hold it together while you're talking. I want to hear what you say. And you see, while I'm trying to imitate those, my facial expressions are different, but my closed posture is the same. So this goes back to the rule of four. You want to look at some of the face stuff in addition to the body posture. And the person could just be cold. So we don't want to assume that just because. Or uncomfortable. I know a lot of people when they're talking in social situations, especially if they're not super animated, they don't know what to do with their hands, so they cross them or they shove them in their pockets. So don't just assume that because somebody's arms are closed off means that they are angry or not willing to pay attention. So what about opinions? We all have them. Opinions are qualitative statements. It was a good movie, it was a bad movie. The ruling was fair. This person was helpful. Everybody's opinion is going to be qualitative in nature. Opinions are a combination of the current situation plus, plus prior learning. So, for example, I know nothing about wine. So if I went wine tasting and somebody gave me a glass of wine and I tasted it and it, you know, tasted decent to my palate, I'd be like, that's pretty good. You know, it could be, you know, Mad Dog 2020 or something. I don't drink much, you can tell, but I wouldn't know the difference. If it tasted good, it tasted good. So I wouldn't have prior learning to say, well, it tastes good on these elements, but not so much on these. Now, coffee, on the other hand, I'm a coffee snob. You know, I'm very particular about how my coffee tastes. So I will tell you whether it tastes like it's dark or it's burned or it's this or it's that. So that prior learning is going to shape your opinions. If somebody, you know, going back to wine just because I Say a wine is good. It's my opinion based on what I know about wine. It doesn't mean I'm wrong. It just means that I think it's good. So we want to own our opinions. Not everybody's gonna like everything. I don't like dark chocolate. Some people absolutely love it. I think it has too much of a bitter taste. Good opinions are based in fact. So you want to say, like I just did, I don't like dark chocolate because I feel it has too strong of a bitter aftertaste. I'm giving some factual reason for my qualitative opinion. We want to encourage clients to start supporting their opinions with evidence. Instead of saying that's stupid or that's lazy or that's this. If somebody asks your opinion or you're just putting it out there unsolicited, support it with facts that are observable so people can make their own judgment. If the opinion is negative, identify what you would change. So if somebody says, did you like that TV show? My daughter, we watched some of the Marvel television shows and she just really could not stand the flash because they're too emotional and lovey dovey and people cry in every episode. Those are her three big complaints. And I'm like, okay, well, at least I understand why you don't like the show. And then she will go off on a tangent about what she would change about how it could be, you know, the same show or even better if they omitted all that stuff and did X, Y and Z instead. So encouraging people again, even if it's an opinion to come up with solutions, if there was something you didn't like, if you went to a restaurant and you didn't like it, what didn't you like? And you know, if the manager called you up and said, what would have to change for you to want to come back, you would be able to provide solutions and say, I need this, that and the other to change. Same thing's true in relationships. You know, when people are trying to mend fences, when they're trying to get back together, maybe after, you know, a substance abuse episode or, you know, whole variety of things, both parties are going to have some issues, they're going to have some wants and needs, and in order for it to be a good relationship again, or in order for them to feel good together, what would need to change? And so we can help them identify some of those things, it's their opinion of what would need to change for the relationship to be good. A lot of times when I'm working With couples and you ask them that question, they come up with vastly different things that need to change. So then we start talking about, you know, how to meld those together and prioritize and stuff. And when giving your opinion, also respect others opinions. You know, maybe you're with a bunch of people who love wine and they're really expert wine connoisseurs and I'm just like, sure, whatever you hand me, I like, it's good in order for them. I mean, they need to respect my opinion because I don't have any other knowledge. Now they can offer suggestions, they can say, hey, try this, it's a little drier or a little sweeter or whatever it is and provide more education. So then I can have a greater base of knowledge to base my opinion on. But respecting each other's opinions and not going, oh, you're stupid, of course, that's a nasty whine. Constructive feedback Constructive feedback is objective and measurable. It's constructive. When we construct a house, we build it on pieces. Not something in somebody's dream world, but actual boards and nails and stuff. Constructive feedback identifies something that you want to happen, something that you want to change. Change to build, to grow, and what to do about it. So instead of saying so and so is lazy, the teacher could say, John has failed to complete his assignments for the past three weeks. That's very objective, that's very measurable. So our goal would be to get his assignments turned in each week. Stupid. Well, I can't fix stupid. But if somebody says, instead of saying John is too stupid to work the register, if somebody says John has difficulty with following basic instructions for opening his register, that gives me something to work with and I can say, okay, well either we can train in a different way or we can move him to something that doesn't have as many steps. Stupid doesn't give us anything to work with. If you tell somebody they're lazy, they're going to be like, okay, what's giving you that opinion? Give me something objective that I can either choose to change or not. Constructive feedback provides information that a person can choose to address and or presents an actionable problem. I didn't say they had to address it. As part of assertiveness, I can own what I want to change and I can say, this is what I would need to feel comfortable. This is what I would need to be happy. This is what I would need. It doesn't mean the other person's going to feel that way. It means that there's a, we've opened a Line for negotiation. When you're working with kids, identifying what the problem is that's objective and measurable. If your mom thinks that you're acting out all the time, well, what does that mean? What is it that you're doing that makes her think that you're acting out or that you're untrustworthy? Let's look at those specific behaviors and see what we can come up with. And constructive feedback provides possible solutions and develops an action plan. So you don't want to go, you know, John's failed to complete his assignments for the last three weeks. You need to fix that. That's not constructive. It's a little bit better than just saying John's lazy. But generally, if the person knew how to fix it, they would have done it already. So we want to say, what are some possible solutions? We want to encourage the person to start brainstorming possible solutions. So the teacher might say, you know, what might help John get his assignments in, or what's going on in John's life that might have changed how often and how diligent he is about turning in his assignments. So constructive feedback is not critical, it's not aggressive, it's not accusatory. It just is. This is what I'm seeing. These are the objective facts. And you know, if it's a problem like the person having difficulty opening his register, you know, obviously you're going to elicit some sort of response from the other person to fix the problem. Which takes us to requests. You want to create a win win, State the reason for your request. I'm feeling exhausted and overwhelmed trying to manage all of these tasks. I recognize that as a result my work product has gone down and I am having difficulty prioritizing. Now this is like an example straight out of something I said to my boss one time. But let's look at the three parts of this. I stated how I felt and why. I recognized that there was a problem that affected him because he was my boss and my work product's going down and that makes him unhappy. The third part, I'm having difficulty prioritizing, stated, this is the challenge I'm seeing. And if we can figure out a way to prioritize, maybe, you know, because I really want to be a good employee. Then state what you need in the situation. I need help prioritizing which of these tasks is most important to you. I remember one time he had handed me a grant. We were coming up in an audit. I had the general day to day work to do to make sure charts were in order. And then there was something else that came up, and I was just like, richard, all of this stuff has to be done by the same deadline, and there's no way I can do it. So I need help prioritizing or I need some assistance because I want to produce a quality product. I want to get this done for you, but I can't do it by myself. So I stated two possible solutions, and then we talked about, you know, what needed to be done, what could be slacked off on a little bit to make the situation doable for all concerned. And so he was, you know, in good with his bosses and everything, which was the win, win. So presenting requests in a way that brings the person in and says, okay, this is a problem for you too, but I have some solutions. So let's talk about how to make this happen. Assertive communication means stating your feelings, thoughts, and needs in a respectful but owning manner. So one of the first challenges or hurdles a lot of our clients have is figuring out what that means. People who've been passive most of their life may come out and still be a little bit passive and hesitant and hedge, or they may come out like, you know, gangbusters and be like, oh, we're going to dinner at this restaurant because I want to. And you got to, like, talk about, you know, did that feel more aggressive? Did that feel more passive? How would you feel if somebody said that to you in that way? Which is why the role plays are really helpful and why group counseling is really helpful. Because they can practice assertiveness with each other in group. You know, and it comes up if somebody walks in late, if somebody doesn't show up for two days, if somebody's interrupting, if somebody says something. You know, in substance abuse groups, sometimes the concept of controlled use comes up, and that gets people's ire really up. So we can practice using assertive communication. If your group is able to handle it, and if you feel like you are up to the task, you have to be really comfortable with your group. Sometimes it can be helpful. And this is going back to emotion efficacy therapy. Sometimes it can be helpful to start a group out with an emotionally charged topic in order to get people's ire up a little bit and go, okay, now we're only going to communicate assertively and practice doing that. And like I said, you can see just. You can imagine what some groups would do with that. So you don't want to create a situation that's harmful to your clients. There have to be strict ground rules and all that kind of stuff. But I have seen it work in situations, and it can be really, really powerful. Social barriers are those created when you start acting differently than those in your social circle expect. And you've got to be able to stay strong and stay assertive, even if people aren't used to it. You know, initially, Sally, who may not have had a lot of opinions before, may start stating her opinion and nobody listens to her because they're like, whatever, you know, we're gonna go over here and watch this movie. Eventually, Sally can figure out how to become assertive without being aggressive or how to talk to that person and go, you know, I told you what my feelings were or what my opinion was, and I felt like you discounted it. I felt like you didn't pay any attention. So it's important for people to start negotiating with those in their social circle and let them know that I'm trying to be assertive. I'm trying to not get my feelings hurt all the time. And so things are going to be a little different, and we're just going to have to work this out. Belief barriers are those automatic thoughts and schemas that help us interpret events based on past learning. So when you got called to the principal's office when you were in school, past learning would say, if you're getting called to the principal's office, there's some really bad mojo fixing to happen. But as an adult, if you get called to your boss's office doesn't mean the same thing. So sometimes people will get upset, they will get in that fight or flight reaction because they start interpreting things negatively and they create a crisis and get all wound up when there's really not a crisis, or at least not a huge one. You know, it could be a little one, but they can manage it. Part of assertiveness also involves helping them learn that they can handle basic crises. Perfect example. I had a client who had a long history of substance use, and this time he had gotten out of treatment. He was doing really good. He had a job, he had his own apartment for the first time in I don't know how many years. And he was sleeping one morning and somebody came and banged at his door at 8 in the morning. And his first reaction was, oh, crap, it's the cops or somebody coming to arrest me for a warrant or something. He knew intellectually that he hadn't done anything wrong and that he had no outstanding warrants. But his first reaction was that old learning experience of if somebody's banging on my door, it's Gonna be bad. But he calmed himself down. He was like, I got this and walked to the door, opened it up, and I don't remember who it was, but it was a very pleasant experience. It wasn't something that was threatening or harmful. He had an experience that taught him and he was so proud of himself that he didn't run, he didn't turn out all the lights and pretend he wasn't there. He actually faced it. He had the courage to face it and he made it through the other side and it wasn't so bad. When being assertive, it's best to provide your opinion or observation supported by facts. Because those ambiguous terms like stupid and lazy and dingy and I'll walk into a building, and a lot of us do, and we have adjectives that we will use to describe places. Institutional. What does it mean if you walk into a place and it feels institutional, you know, it may mean something very different to you than it does to me. So specifically, why do you think it feels institutional and possibly what would you do to change it if you had that option? And finally, when making requests, it's ideal to create a win win by pointing out what is currently wrong, what needs to happen, and how your solutions will benefit both parties. You know, you don't have to explicitly come out and you know, I didn't have to explicitly say, richard, if you help me out with this, I'm going to be able to be a better employee for you. You know, that was the undercurrent. But I pointed out that I knew I was struggling to be as effective as I normally was. It's a long road and if you start early, if you start with, you know, younger kids, adolescents, it becomes easier. But you know, it's a learning process. We don't learn that when we are born. We learn fight or flee. We don't learn assertiveness in negotiation. A couple of other recommended readings that I really like. A manual for assertiveness trainers. So if you happen to be teaching a class on assertiveness, a skills based sort of thing, really good book. The Assertiveness Workbook is a CBT workbook to help people learn to be more assertive and cool. Calm and Confident is a book designed to work with children, you know, younger children, and it provides 40 exercises. Most of them are geared around building self esteem and developing that sense that you don't need to be accepted by everybody all the time, that you're okay for who you are and your opinions are valid and then teaching them how to identify their feelings. 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