How To Stop Being Judgmental: 6 Tips

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this presentation on Six Ways to Stop Being Judgmental. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Judgment happens when you feel threatened, when you feel angry or afraid, or it may just happen because that's how you were raised. And that's often because your parents felt insecure, they felt angry or afraid. So it's important to recognize that judgment, being judgmental is a behavior, and behavior is communication. Judgment is a strategy, although not necessarily a helpful strategy that people may use in order to try to protect themselves. It may occur at the same time as its ugly twin siblings, jealousy and envy. So when you're being judgmental, it's important to examine, you know, where's the threat coming from? And am I being judgmental because I'm envious? Somebody has something that I want, so I'm going to be judgmental of them and talk about all the ways they don't deserve it and I deserve it More examples of judgmentalism. You may think, well, I'm not very judgmental. Well, let's see, it's not my way, so it's wrong. There are many ways to solve the same problem. Linahan calls this beginner's mind, and she may not have coined that term, but that's where I learned it from, from her. But it's important to recognize that there are a lot of different ways to solve the same problem. So it's important to step back and act as if you had never experienced this before. Use that beginner's mind and say, okay, if I'd never done this before, how might I try to solve it instead of always trying to do it? The same way, when you hang a picture, for example, or you hammer a nail, most of us have done that. So we tell you this is how you should do it. Okay, well, that's one way to do it. But are there other ways? Thinking of hanging a picture, yes. You can hang it with a nail. You can hang it with the special picture wires. You can hang it with a. With a hook that has the, you know, the sticky tape stuff that's supposed to not take off the paint. You can actually hang it, although it's permanent. You can hang it using caulk. That's one of the ways they hang pictures in psychiatric units so people can't pull the pictures off of the wall. But I digress. So there are a lot of different ways to hang a picture. So if somebody doesn't hang a picture the way you do, doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means It's a different way to hang a picture. Same thing is true about how you dress or how you decorate your house. You may choose to dress differently than your children or than your best friend or that, than your, you know, daughter in law or son in law or something. But does that mean that it's wrong? Does that mean that your way is wrong or their way is wrong? No, it means it's different. And it's important that we step back and respect individual differences. We respect boundaries and we may say, you know, that's not how I would do it, but it's fine, it's perfectly acceptable if that's how you feel comfortable. Same thing with decorating. You know, some people like modern clean lines and you know, very modern designs. That's not me. I like country cottage. You know, I like things that are, that look different. And that's just a difference in pre preference. It's not wrong to have a, you know, house that's ultra modern if that's what you like. So being judgmental going, why did they do that? That's just ugly. You know, it's important that we step back and check ourselves and say, hey, that's not my way. But is there anything wrong with it? Raising children is yet another place where people can be very judgmental. And there are a lot of different ways of raising children. There are a lot of different ways of disciplining. There are a lot of different ways of showing love and affection. Okay, my way is not the same way as my sister in law's is not the same way as my best friends. But their ways aren't the same as any of our ways either. There are always individual differences. And ultimately the important thing is are the children happy and healthy? No matter how you get to that end point, raise your children. Are the children happy and healthy? You know, there are different ways. And socialization, and I use this term kind of broadly, there are a lot of different ways that people socialize. Now some people socialize online, some people still socialize in real life. Some people socialize in groups, some people are in different relationship structures. But does that make it wrong? And it's important again to respect boundaries. While the way somebody is in a relationship may not be right for you, are they, is, is it hurting them? Are they happy and healthy? And you know, that's their business. So it's important to step back and take a look at that. I know that E M Ethical, non monogamy, polyamory, polygamy, relationship anarchy. There are lots of different relationship structures that exist now. And just because it's not how things were way back when, when I was a kid, doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong. So it's important to recognize the differ between wrong for me and wrong in general. And if it's wrong in general, why, you know, is it wrong because it goes against my beliefs? Well, that, again, that takes it back to being wrong for me. Is it wrong because it's hurting that person? You know, that's different. Not to. Not to say that they're not necessarily going to do it. Addiction's a prime example. You know, we can see somebody engaging in addiction, and we can say that's a bad choice. And, and using those substances is. Is an unhelpful, unhealthy behavior. And that's true. And we need to recognize for. From an addiction standpoint, for example, that we don't understand why they're using. We don't understand what they're going through. And you may not understand all of the complications that go along with addiction. For most people, stopping cold turkey is just. It's not an option unless they are in a detox facility or something. So. But I digress. Ultimately the question is, is it harm, harming somebody else, or is it wrong in my. Wrong for me and maybe against my beliefs. But again, that's me. Those are my boundaries, and I need to not push them onto other people. Another statement that's judgmental. It's wrong, so you are stupid. It's wrong, so you are lazy. Well, have you made mistakes? Does it mean that you're stupid or lazy? Now, some people may tell themselves this, and that's. That's a whole different video. But it's important to step back to say, am I really stupid? You know, that's a horrible word. And yes, I am ignorant about certain things. When it comes to calculus, that's. I have no knowledge. When it comes to electrical wiring, I am ignorant about that. You know, you could say I'm stupid about electrical wiring. Could I learn it? Sure. Is it something that I have learned yet? No. What might have contributed to errors? Sometimes people make errors not because they don't know how to do it, not because they're lazy, but because something else was going on. They were distracted. They were. They were distracted. We'll just leave it at that. But it's important not to assign labels. It's important not to judge people based on a particular behavior. They made a mistake, they got it wrong. They failed a test, they miswired something. And, you know, sparks flew. That, yes, it could have been dangerous. No doubt. Was the incident unfortunate? No doubt. Does it mean that they as a person are stupid? Does it mean that they as a person are incompetent? Likely. No. And. And I would really challenge judgment that would say yes. Another example, you don't meet certain criteria, so you can never. Blah, blah, blah. You are too old, so you can never do this. Whatever this is, you know, you can never run a marathon because you're too old. Well, fine. There are people of different ages who run marathons every single year. My grandfather was 67 years old, ran a marathon. So it's important to recognize that things are possible. And, and we need to be careful about being judgmental and making assumptions. You can never be president because you're a female, for example. No, we're really moving towards that right now. So it's important to recognize, you know, never say never. You're not wealthy enough, you're ed. Or not educated enough to belong to this club or to do this thing. You know, I think there are exceptions to everything. I think there are exceptions to every never. So it's important that we don't judge people based on. External criteria. I guess we need to judge them based on their merits as it relates to that situation. Could this person possibly do it? I mean, there are a lot of child prodigies who have done amazing things despite being like 11. Most people can't. But it doesn't mean that nobody can ever do it. How does it protect us if we're judgmental and we say, well, you're not like me, therefore you can't do things like me. You can't achieve the same things. I can because you're not like me. How does that protect you in some way? Another example of judgmentalism. You're not perfect by my definition, so you don't deserve. You're not perfect by my definition, so you don't deserve to be happy. You're not perfect by my. By my definition, so you don't deserve to be successful. That's pretty, pretty harsh. And we don't generally say it in exactly those words, but a lot of times the underlying message is pretty clear. When we say that many times that is an example of us feeling jealous or insecure. We're trying to say, well, you know, you can't do that. You can't be like me because you're not perfect. That protects me. That puts me up here on this pedestal where I have no competition, where I have nobody that I have to worry about. Help us continue to make Practical tools available to everybody by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@doc snipes.com donate. You can join the YouTube channel@doc snipes.com join. You can get a super thanks on any videos that are particularly helpful or if you're a counselor and you need continuing education, you can get it@allce.com so we've talked about some examples of judgmentalism, but let's talk about why you might be judgmental. Remember in the beginning I said, behavior is communication. So what is being judgmental? Saying, well, take a minute. Describe a situation in which you were judgmental. You know, think about something in the recent past where you were judgmental of somebody else. Were you safe and loved and accepted by those who were important to you? Or were you afraid that you would be rejected because you didn't measure up to this other person's standards? If you don't know, find out. Don't mind read or assume. When you were judgmental, did it remind you of a time you were threatened by abandonment or rejection, Being unloved or failure? So maybe you, you know, in. In Nashville, we've got a lot of performers and a lot of artists, and it takes a lot of courage to be an artist because you got to put yourself out there, and there's a whole lot of rejection. And, you know, that is a hard life to live. So people may fear rejection. They may start being more judgmental of others because it reminds them of all the times that they've been rejected. Does this person's success, ideology, or behaviors in this situation actually make you less lovable or safe? So let's go back to that artist example. Does Taylor Swift's success make you any less safe, any less lovable? Does it make it any less likely that you, too can succeed? Most of the time you can say no. Most of the time you can say, there's plenty to go around. You know, there's always new budding artists happening all the time. So it's important to step back and go, do I really want to use my energy getting all bent out of shape because of her success? Or can I say, wow, let me use that as a motivator? Because she did it, I can do it, too. Is being judgmental in this situation a good use of your energy? I can't think of a time when being judgmental is really a good use of energy. Now you can see something you don't like. You can see something that you don't agree with, and you can say, all right, that doesn't agree with my ideology, that's not for me. And walk away or do what you need to do to get safe? That's not what we're talking about here. That's not being judgmental. That is being mindful and purposeful in your action. Judgmental is when you start telling somebody that they're wrong and what they should do and that they should be like you or that they can never be like you because you're all that in a bag of chips. Ultimately, it's important to explore the lessons and traumas you experience that cause you to frequently feel threatened by people who are different or more successful than you. What experiences taught you that you will be abandoned or unloved if you're imperfect, non conforming, make a mistake, or are not better than everybody else? Are you angry at yourself because they whoever you're being judgy about because they are doing something you want to do but are afraid to do, or are you being judgy of other people? And this one's not on here, but I really want to highlight it. Too often I see us being judgmental of people who are less fortunate than us. We assume that they have the resources, that they have the capabilities, that they have the ability to be like us. And that just may not be true. That just may not be true. So it's important that we look at people, for example, who are homeless and we don't start getting judgmental. We start getting curious and saying, I wonder how that person ended up homeless. I'm wondering what happened and what's keeping that person in a state of homelessness. And get curious about it. Instead of judging, think, you know well, just be grateful that we are not in that situation. How did your caregivers or your significant others contribute to your judgmentalism? Were they judgy? Were they constantly critiquing other people and, and picking them apart and dragging them down? Well, if so, then you probably learned to do that. You also probably learned from that that it's not safe to be anything less than perfect. Or they do it to you. All right, you learned it, you can unlearn it. How did being judgmental help those people feel safe or empowered? It's important when you're trying to stop being judgmental to create safety. Remind yourself. And I know I already asked this question, but we're going to ask it again. Does that person that you're judging or their behaviors actually pose a threat to you? You know, does that person's success pose a threat to you? Is it going to keep you from being successful? Does that person's happiness pose a threat to you? Is it going to keep you from being happy? Does that person's misfortune actually pose a threat to you and in some way keep you from having your rich and meaningful life? If not, then you know what. Is it a good use of your energy to be judgmental? What would realistically happen if you decided to stop judging that person or situation? And this is true about judging yourself too, because we can be very judgmental of ourselves. Practice radical acceptance. All right, they have success. I'm not successful yet. You know, embrace the good with the bad. Embrace what it is. They have it and I don't, or they are happy and I'm not. Okay, it is what it is. It doesn't mean it has to stay that way. I can figure out, I can use them to motivate me. I can use them to inspire me. I can ignore them completely and go back to using my energy to focus on improving the next moment. But being judgmental is not going to change them, and it's not going to be a good use of your energy. And stop shoulding. If you stop shooting people saying, well, you should just get up and get a job. You should do this, you should do it this way, or you shouldn't do that. Shoulds and shouldn't are are toxic pretty much anytime. What would happen if you quit telling people, if you quit invading people's boundaries when you say you should do this, that's stepping over their boundaries or all, all in their boundaries and telling them how to think, how to feel, what to do, that's. That's a boundary violation. What would happen if you respected their boundaries? Now? Maybe, you know, if you wanted to and it was appropriate saying, if I were in your situation, I would. But that's also unsolicited advice. You know, maybe they know this already and they're doing the best they can with the tools they have. So stop shoulding. It doesn't do anybody any good. Change your behavior. Like scratching an itch, being judgmental can be almost automatic. So start out each day reminding yourself, you know what? I'm safe and I'm loved. Or as Stuart Smalley used to say on Saturday Night Live, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me. Then focus on one of the following. Being less judgmental of yourself or less judgmental of others. It's really hard to focus on being less judgmental of both self and others at the same time. Or when you're trying to develop this new skill. Eventually, hopefully you'll get there. But start each day just reminding yourself that you're safe and you're loved, and all you need to do is be the best version of you that you can be that day. And not every day is going to be an A day. So if you're having a C day, all right, be the best version of a C day that you can be. Change your inner dialogue intentionally. Listen to your inner voice. And when it becomes critical, when it starts becoming judgy, stop. Just stop what you're doing. Observe what's going on and get curious and restate whatever that critical inner voice said in a more compassionate or inspiring, inspiring way. You can try writing down judgmental thoughts you have each day for a week and explore them. And you don't need to do it all day long. You can, if you want, keep a little pad and paper with you. Or you can do it at the end of the day. Identify three or four judgy thoughts that you had and explore those. You know, what threat caused you to have that judgmental thought caused you to have that aggressive reaction? Being judgmental is aggressive. It's invading people's boundaries. It's telling them how they should live or pushing them away. It is a form of aggression. Before interacting with people, if you know that you tend to be a little bit judgmental, remind yourself, pick one of these. You don't have to repeat all of them. I will be compassionate and accepting of differences and imperfections. You know, before going into a meeting or whatever you have to do, just say this mantra to yourself or Everyone deserves to feel safe and respected. Respecting the person does not necessarily mean liking their behavior. It means respecting them as a human being and their boundaries. Or people do the best they can with the tools they have at the given time. That's the one I like. I use that one a lot, even before I go into the grocery store or somewhere else. Because inevitably there are going to be people there that are happy, people there that are distracted, people there that are angry and cantankerous, okay? Instead of getting mad because they're not acting and reacting the way I want them to, reminding myself that, you know what? This person is doing the best they can with the tools they have right now. If they could do better, they would. They're not going, well, what's the least I can do? Some people will try to change their mindset by practicing the Loving Kindness Meditation. And I have a video that's exclusively on the Loving Kindness Meditation. But Basically, what you're going to say is something akin to may you feel safe, healthy and at peace, or may you feel safe, healthy and happy. Not everybody likes the word happy, so I use at peace. Think about it first for yourself, reminding yourself that you deserve to feel safe, healthy and at peace. And then once you feel that grounding sense of safety and and peace, think about loved ones and friends and envision sending them the energies of feeling safe or the wishes that they feel safe, healthy and at peace. And then think about people you don't know. You know, think about sending hopes for them to feel safe, healthy and at peace. Just kind of sending it out to the universe. Now, how awesome would that be if everybody in your neighborhood, for example, was touched by that and they woke up that morning and they were feeling safe, healthy and at peace? That's probably not going to happen. But envision what that would be like. How awesome would that be? And then think about sending thoughts of safety, health and peace even to people you don't like. Because you know what? Again, they're probably doing the very best they can with the tools they have at this point in time. So send them safety, health and peace. Because most likely anything that they're doing, any way that they're reacting, is a direct result of how safe, healthy and peaceful they feel. Judgmentalism is learned and can be unlearned. It's often an aggressive reaction to feeling unsafe or unlovable is sort of a way of pushing people away or pushing people down with your thoughts. Before you can make a significant progress toward being less judgmental, you first need to feel safe and loved yourself so you don't feel threatened by those other people, by their successes, by their presence. Once you feel safe, then it will be easier to be less defensive and less judgmental.