Improving Your Relationship with Yourself: Developing Healthy Habits

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this episode on habits to improve my relationship with myself. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Today we're going to explore the benefits of improving your relationship with yourself. So often we focus on improving our relationship with other people, with our bosses, with our kids, even with our pets. But we don't focus on improving our relationship with ourselves, which is really where everything starts. Why be your best friend? Why is this important? How you treat yourself tells people how you expect to be treated. Having a secure relationship with yourself reduces fears of abandonment and rejection. If you can look in the mirror and go, I am good enough and I am lovable, then if someone else gets mad at you for something you do or, or if someone else has issues and they cannot be in a relationship with you and they leave, it's okay, you can still look in the, in the mirror and say, I am lovable. I am good enough. So that secure relationship with yourself is so important and that is the foundation. Your relationship with yourself is kind of one of the places where you continue to learn how to develop secure attachments and you'll model that in your relationship with others. Being your own best friend helps you take better care of yourself so you can be available for others. You know, I've got friends, I've got family, I've got pets. I love to be there for others, but it's important for me to not get worn down, otherwise I won't have the energy or the health to be able to be there for others. So as my own best friend, I'm constantly checking in with myself going, is this really the best course of action right now to help you and you know, my, my catchphrase, move towards your rich and meaningful life. So asking myself, you know, is taking on this one more thing right now important enough to use my energy for that? I'm going to do it, even if it is going to potentially wear me down some. So I'm being my own best friend because I'm forcing myself to kind of step outside and check in with me. Improving your self relationship helps you become more mindful of your strengths and silence that inner critic. Our inner critic can be very, very loud. And when you start becoming your own best friend, when you start being more connected with yourself, then you start becoming aware of your strengths and you start noticing that that inner critic is often inaccurate. And that inner critic is often somebody from your past telling you that you weren't good enough or you weren't smart enough. And it becomes easier to as your own Best friend, stand up to that inner critic and say, shut up. Having a positive relationship with yourself models for others, including kids, what good self care looks like. People look to you. If you are a counselor, they look to you for how do you take care of your mental health? If you're a doctor, they look to you for how do you take care of your health? You know, I always find it interesting when we go to the cardiologist and the cardiologist is 50 pounds overweight and smokes. I'm like, did I miss something? But what we're doing is we are modeling for people what they need to do to be as healthy and happy and energized and available as possible. And I know that sounds weird, being available and being your own best friend. But by being recharged and being healthy, then you have this abundance, you have this fountain of energy that you can give out. And when the fountain starts running low, just like in a video game, when your lives start running low, you need to recharge before you can go back out and start engaging in other activities. Now, a lot of people have been taught that self care is selfish. And it is so important to dispel that myth. And one of the places that comes from for many people that they have a hard time kind of getting past is religion. And I am not familiar with a bunch of the different texts. I am only familiar with the Bible. So that's kind of what I'm going to talk about here. But let's hit the Old and New Testament here. It's important to recognize that when in religion, when they say we're supposed to bear each other's burdens, when they say we're supposed to help each other, it's not at the expense of ourselves. We have to be able to have the energy and the resources to be there for others. So let's look at a few of these scriptures. Consider putting others needs before your wants. Now there's a difference. You know, the scripture, when you read it, really doesn't ask you to give everything and not get your own needs met. It says, you know, once you have your needs met, then really consider what you have left to give others before you start moving on to your wants. Philippians 2 in humility, count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. So in humility, remember that means being humble. And you can look at this as saying, looking at myself, recognizing when I get my needs met, how blessed I am that I should help Others meet their needs before I start going out and trying to meet my wants. Mark 12 says, you should love your neighbor as yourself. Well, you wouldn't expect your neighbor to give and give and give until they're completely worn down. So you probably shouldn't expect that of yourself. You're going to try to expect and model the behavior that is healthy. Sometimes extending yourself is worth the risk. And there are parables in the Bible that talk about people who, who gave even when it was more, more than they necessarily could afford, so to speak. Mark 12 talks about a old woman who gives her last two coins. And all of the people, other people, the rich people were coming and they were giving their offerings or whatever, but they weren't giving till it hurt. And they were doing it often out of obligation. They had to come and they knew it was something they had to do. But this woman said, you know what? I want to do this. I want to give this much. And sometimes we're going to be in that place where somebody needs something and we're kind of worn down, but we look at it and we say, you know what, in this one instance, I can really pull it from the bottom, find some energy and, or resources and do this. So sometimes you're going to go that extra mile, but the key is not doing it all the time where you're getting worn down and completely Depleted. In Kings 17. So let's go back to the Old Testament. The widow of Zarephath is an old widow woman who has a child she's trying to feed. And Elijah asks her to give him some water and some bread. And she says, you know, I barely have enough for us. And he assures her that she will get more if she shares with him. And she took a chance and she did give it to him. And lo and behold, all of a sudden, her flour and her oil never ran out. One of the things that we need to recognize, and I'm going to talk about this more in the next video on People pleasing, is that when we do give to others, it's important to consider, are we getting what we need met, are we getting our needs met? And if we choose to go that extra mile, is it worth it? Or is it something that, you know, it's just kind of like throwing good money after bad, so to speak. So you need to make considerations. My guess is if the widow's flour and oil would have run dry, despite Elijah saying it wouldn't, she wouldn't have continued to, you know, give people bread and oil and those things she would have said, yeah, that didn't work the last time. So it is important to consider the repercussions. Is it worth make a decision? Is it worth the risk to extend or even sometimes overextend a little bit myself? In Psalms and Hebrews we're called to be loving and not to work for selfish gain. Being loving means being patient and forgiving and respectful and again, helping other people, making sure that they have their needs met. Once our needs are met, before we start going to our wants. So before we start getting stuff we don't need, are the people around us getting their needs met? And in Acts 20 it's better to give than to receive. But it's important to remember you've got to have something to give. If you are completely worn out, if you are completely depleted, you don't have anything left to give, so you can't give. All you're going to be doing at that point, you're so depleted you're going to be relying on others to give to you. And that's not what you want either. You want to be able to reciprocate. So assessment. Think about how do you treat yourself now physically? If you're tired, physically tired, do you cut yourself some slack? Do you help yourself get rested or do you push on through and over caffeinate? If you are physically sick again, do you take care of yourself? How do you feed yourself? Do you treat your body well? Do you nourish it well? Affectively? How do you treat yourself? When you are feeling happy, do you revel in it? When you are feeling sad or angry, do you address it? Do you acknowledge it and validate how you're feeling and then figure out how to improve the next moment? Cognitively, you know the way you think and what you pay attention to. Do you pay attention to only the negative stuff and the negative stuff about you or do you focus on all of the things that are in your life? Emotion? I'm sorry, Environmentally, how do you treat yourself? You know, do you have an environment that's comfortable and safe and relationally and this includes your self esteem? Are you your best friend? Are you validating? Are you safe to be around? Are you kind to yourself? Or do you model abusive or neglectful behaviors that you learn from other people? The next question is pretty simple. How do you want to be treated physically, affectively, cognitively, environmentally and in your relationships? If you don't know how you want to be treated, then look how you treat others. Because a lot of times we treat others the way we want to be treated, but we often don't treat ourselves with that same respect. It's kind of paradoxical. So some tips for improving your relationship with yourself. And I'm going to fall back on. A lot of times we talk about craves, which are the characteristics for a secure attachment. Being consistent, responsive, attentive, validating, encouraging, and supportive. But in this particular instance, we're going to talk about being loving. And I use the mnemonic perfect for love, because love can perfect, or at least I hope it can. And what that stands for is patience, encouragement, respect, forgiveness, enjoyment, compassion, truthfulness, and safety. So let's look at each one of those. Patience. In order to improve your relationship with yourself, it's important to be patient with yourself. Making mistakes or not doing it fast enough. Be kind. When you're looking at something, if you get upset with yourself for a mistake you made, you know, step back, get some perspective on it. Ask yourself, if somebody else made that mistake, would you be similarly hard on them? How can you be more patient with yourself? What other things are you not considering? So maybe you came to work today and you just, you've made some mistakes and you're having a hard time pushing through, and you just, you start to get really frustrated with yourself. Well, that's tunnel vision there, because you're looking at what's going on right now at work. Let's expand our vision. Oh, the baby was. Is teething and was up all night long, and you haven't had a good night's sleep in a week. Oh, well, that's a little bit different. You can have a little more compassion and patience when you start to recognize that, hey, you're not a robot. Encourage yourself with kind words and affirmations. When you do something good, give yourself a proverbial pat on the back. You know, give yourself some kind words, tell yourself, thank you for doing this, and find some affirmations that work for you. You know, the old Stuart Smalley, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me that Saturday Night Live used to make fun of that it can work, but you've got to believe it. And that is the key with affirmations. You need to choose affirmations that you believe. If you can look in the mirror and truly say, I'm a nice person, well, that is an affirmation. If you can look in the mirror and say, I am a caring person, that is an affirmation. So make sure you practice your affirmations and remind yourself of the Good characteristics because your inner critic is always going to focus on your mistakes and your faults. You need to make sure that you balance that out. Respect. It's important to respect your thoughts, feelings and needs. Not tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling this way, or you should be able to have this knowledge, or you shouldn't need this. But you know, and you notice that word should keeps coming up. Respect your thoughts, feelings and needs. Be aware of them. Notice them and say, okay, I'm feeling angry or I'm confused or whatever it is. Acknowledge it. And then you can say, all right, this is. It is what it is right now. I know some of y' all hate that. How can I improve the next moment if I am feeling depressed or angry about something? All right, you know, it's not a should I feel this way or shouldn't I feel this way? It's I feel this way. Okay, Respect your feelings that your brain telling you there might be a problem and then act on it, get up, so to speak, and figure out is there really a problem? And if so, what can you do to improve it? You know, respect means validating how you feel and taking action in order to improve the next moment. It also means keeping your body factory, so to speak, in top condition. If you respect your body and you keep it functioning well, then it will have the nutrients and the rest it needs to make the neurotransmitters and the hormones and everything else to help you feel happy, to help you feel connected, to keep you healthy, and maybe even reduce some of your inflammation and pain. Again, self care is not selfish. If you are worn down, if your body factory is not well maintained, then it cannot produce the products that you want. Whether it be focus at work or attention or love for other people or energy to do. XYZ F is forgiveness. And this one's pretty simple. It's really important to forgive yourself, recognizing that you are not perfect. And I know love perfects, but it's also important to recognize that we want to work towards that goal, but none of us is ever going to be perfect. So forgiving yourself is really important not only for mistakes that you make today, but for mistakes that you made last week and three years ago that you're still feeling guilty about. Because that guilt is exhausting. It's draining. It is life sucking, so to speak. So working on forgiveness can be a huge step towards improving your relationship with yourself. Because as long as you hold on to that guilt, that anger at yourself, it's going to be hard to have a loving Compassionate relationship with yourself. E stands for enjoyment and optimism. Realistic optimism. I'm not talking about toxic optimism, where you just put on a smiley face and say everything's going to be okay. But embracing or acknowledging what's going on in the present and being optimistic that things can improve is important, but also just enjoyment. Enjoy spending time with yourself. Enjoy getting to know yourself. You know, revel in some of those things. I am goofy as the day is long, and there are times where I just. I enjoy it. I enjoy making people laugh, even if they're laughing at me. I'm good with it because I am enjoying life. And in order to enjoy life, I have to know what I like. I have to know what I enjoy. Yes, I love cartoons. I am 50 years old and I still watch cartoons. And that's okay. That's my relationship with me. I know that there are some days that I just want to make grilled cheese sandwiches, build a blanket fort and watch cartoons all day. Now, I haven't done the blanket fort thing in years, but since my kids were young. But you get the point. Enjoying life. If you're being your own best friend, you're going to do things with your best friend that are enjoyable. Compassion is another aspect of enhancing your relationship with yourself. Do random acts of kindness for yourself. It is not. Again, it's not selfish to be kind to yourself. If there's a particular type of coffee that you love, you know, occasionally treat yourself to it. Not necessarily for any particular reason, but just because if you like bubble baths or swinging on swings, or there's a sweater that you've been looking at, I don't know, whatever it is that makes you happy, do kind things for yourself. Because again, you're modeling to others how you want to be treated. If you want them to occasionally do random acts of kindness for you, you know, it's good if they can see you doing it for yourself. Then they can say, oh, she likes or he likes. When this happens, it makes them happy. So if I do that, then I can make them happy. Hey, now, of course it's important when you're talking about relationships not to do it in front of other people and hope that they pick up on the hint. You know, you're going to set yourself up for some disappointment there. But it is important, again, to model these things. Loving kindness is another compassionate thing you can do for yourself. Send yourself thoughts of loving kindness. And I have a video on the YouTube channel on the loving kindness meditation. But basically what you're doing is reminding yourself that everybody deserves to feel safe, happy, healthy and loved. And you are allowing yourself to recognize that and to send yourself thoughts and and hopes for feelings of safety, happiness, health and love. Truthfulness. Now you can call this authenticity, you can call it mindfulness, whatever you want to call, but I needed a T here. So truthfulness is where we ended. But it's important to be honest with yourself, to be authentic with yourself and with others about how you feel, what you want, what your needs are, but definitely in this, in terms of increasing the your relationship with yourself, being authentic with yourself and acknowledging I really don't like this or I really love this. However you feel about something, acknowledge it. It doesn't mean you're necessarily going to get your own way all the time, but if you are authentic, then you start becoming more aware of what makes you happy and what helps you cope and what adds to your distress. And you can start making choices accordingly. And finally, safety. It's important when you're developing this relationship with yourself and you become more mindful and authentic. Noticing what makes you happy, noticing what causes you stress that you also start to notice and set and maintain a lot of stuff there boundaries with other people. So by creating safety, you are protecting yourself. You are creating an environment that you feel safe in. And that is crucial in any relationship. We want people to feel safe. So in our relationship with ourself, we have to be able to trust that we are not going to put ourselves unsafe situations. And that can be physical safety, emotional safety, cognitive safety. I have another video on the YouTube channel on boundaries. If you're not familiar with all the different types of boundaries. But setting and maintaining boundaries can really help you feel empowered and help you feel more connected with yourself and more energized. Silence the inner critic, because the inner critic is already in your own head. And it's hard to feel safe if you've constantly got a heckler in the gallery telling you all the ways you messed up. So creating safety involves silencing the inner critic. It doesn't necessarily mean totally ignoring them. You know, they may have some good points. Maybe they point out that you made a mistake or you need to improve on something. Okay, thank you for the feedback. Now shut up. And we wouldn't tell other human beings to shut up, but I typically when I talk to my own inner critic, I will tell them to shut up and seek people who support you. Yes, we're talking about enhancing and improving your relationship with yourself. But we weren't meant to live in isolation. So seeking people friendships with others who support us can also help us feel safe and connected and happy. And you know, when we start connecting with others, it releases oxytocin and others are able to also help us care for ourself. That's a lot of stuff, and in recovery circles, sometimes we talk about faking it till you make it Each morning, remind yourself, today I am going to try to be my best friend. Focus on perfecting one thing at a time. So going back to the last slide, Patience, encouragement, respect, forgiveness, enjoyment, compassion, truthfulness and safety. Focus on improving one thing at a time. You don't have to do all of those tomorrow. Say, you know, maybe you get up in the morning and say, today I am going to be more patient with myself. Well, great. That's awesome. Throughout the day, ask yourself, what would I want a friend to do for me right now? If you're feeling kind of low or kind of stuck or frustrated or stressed about something, what would you want a friend to do for you right now? If you don't know, a lot of times we know what we would want somebody to do. We're hoping somebody's going to do. But if for some reason you don't know, flip the script and say, if my best friend were feeling this way, what would I do for them right now? In order to be supportive and attentive, you can learn more@YouTube.com docsnipes My next video, as I mentioned, is on people pleasing and how to keep it from making you miserable. Many people are taught that self care is selfish, it's not safe to have your own thoughts and opinions, and being confident and loving toward yourself is arrogant. Having a relationship with yourself is like a CEO. Knowing what's going on in the company and ensuring all the departments have what they need to create the product, you're often going to be pulled in many different directions. So ask yourself, is my factory able to handle another contract right now or does it need to go down for maintenance? This show was produced by Hype Media group technical producer Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnelly Snipes.