Interpersonal Impact of Betrayal

Hey there, everybody. Welcome back to part five, the final part of the Betrayed Spouse. I AM your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. This last part we're going to talk about is the relational or interpersonal effects of betrayal. And the first thing that happens after a betrayal is trust issues. You know, go figure. It's important to stay in the present when you are engaging with other people. And a lot of times after we've been betrayed, not only do we not trust the person who betrayed us, but we start questioning other people's motives as well. And it's important to stay in the present and focus on facts. What evidence do I have that this person is not trustworthy? What evidence do I have that this person is trustworthy? Stay in the present. Remember what's going on, and don't hold hostages. Learn from the past, but don't assume that anytime anybody does anything like your ex did or like the person in the past did, that they're betraying you. There could be potentially very benign explanations. It's important if you feel anxious to address that anxiety, to notice it and do something about it. But you don't want to hold hostages and assume that you know that this person is cheating on you or is getting ready to cheat on you. Make sure to focus on facts when it comes to trust issues. What do you know about the situation? Not what do you think, what do you assume the other person's thinking, but what do you actually know? The next issue is a fear of intimacy and vulnerability. Once you have been betrayed by your spouse, the person that you are probably most intimate and most vulnerable with, it is terrifying to become that vulnerable again because it felt like a dagger to the heart when you found out you were being betrayed, and you don't want to feel that again. You experienced a trauma, let's call it, for what it is. It's important in your new relationships to take it slowly. You know, be aware that it's going to be terrifying to be vulnerable. And you may do just kind of like you do when you're getting into a cold pool. You may dip your toe in and then pull it back out and go, you know what? Not ready to do that again. And then eventually you'll get to the point where you might want to consider it. So you go sit on the edge of the pool and put your feet in. You're just going to test it out a little bit. You're not going to take the plunge yet. At some point, once you're, you know, acclimated to the situation and you feel like it's not going to be too painful. You may actually jump into the pool and see how it feels. Same thing with our relationships. Initially, you may just kind of dip your toe in or stay on, on the sidelines and just go out with friends because it's too overwhelming to think about getting into a relationship again. And then you might start casually dating, you know, just dipping that toe in, not intending to not get serious about anything, but just start experimenting and exploring again. Dip that toe in. Once that feels comfortable, you may start doing it a little bit more and, you know, sit on the edge of the pool, so to speak, hang your head, hang your legs in until you start feeling more comfortable and feeling like, okay, it wouldn't be completely overwhelming to maybe start having feelings for somebody again. But take it slowly. After a betrayal, you have to have time for your wounds to heal. Make sure not to confuse sex or superficial small talk with intimacy. Sex can be just sex. It may not be true intimacy. If you are one of those persons, people who tend to catch feelings when you are physically intimate with someone, be aware of that, because if you do it too quickly, you may feel super vulnerable after having sex with them. Terrify yourself and cause yourself more distress. And superficial small talk is also something that sometimes gets confused with intimacy. Having somebody text you in the morning just to say hello and text you in the evening just to see how your day went, you know, that's pretty superficial. That's not super intimate conversation there. And it can get confused with intimacy. A lot of times this is where people need to start. Is that superficial small talk? And that's great, but don't assume or don't go from superficial small talk to plunging into the deep end right away unless, you know, you really feel like you're ready for it. Recognize that there's a big difference between taking the plunge and communicating by chat twice a day. And thirdly, you may question the goodness of others after something like this happens. You know you loved your partner, you trusted your partner, you wanted to trust other people. Most of us want to trust other people. And your partner and somebody else both were involved in this emotional assault. It may be hard to trust others or see the goodness in others during this period, especially the goodness in people who are similar to your betrayer. And it's important to make a list of good, trustworthy people you have known or currently know, including yourself, so you don't start saying all people, all men are dogs. You know, you don't want to say that because all men aren't dogs. There are some really genuine awesome guys out there. And you can say you can make generalizations about women, you can make generalizations about married people, you can make all kinds of generalizations about anybody you want, but that's using that extreme language. So we want to look for the exceptions who is good, trustworthy, and, you know, restores your faith in humanity. All right, thank you for being with me for this series. I will see you in the next one.