Introversion, Social Anxiety and Avoidant Personality, what is the difference?

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this presentation on introversion, social anxiety, or avoidance. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. There's often a lot of debate in the general public about whether someone is avoidant or antisocial, whether they have social anxiety or whether they're introverted, or whether someone who's an introvert is actually, quote, antisocial. So let's clear up some terms here. Antisocial, clinically, is a personality disorder that's characterized by someone who manipulates others to their own gain and does not care if they hurt other people and has no empathy. So that is not what we're talking about here. Avoidance or someone who does not care to be social may occur as a result of attachment trauma. And that attachment trauma may have taught them from their prior experiences those people were not trustworthy. Those people were not safe to be around. So they may expect that from other people in their present and in their future. They may not have the energy to deal with other people because they've been so disappointed. They don't want to be hurt anymore, so they wall everybody off. Okay, that's different than introversion. Now, you can have somebody who's an introvert and avoidant. You can have somebody that's an introvert with social anxiety. You can have somebody who's an introvert who has avoidant attachment and social anxiety. You can have all these in a combination. But introversion, the point is, introversion is very, very different, and it gets a bad rap. Introversion is one end of the temperament spectrum. You've got introversion and extroversion, and then you've got somewhere in between. Most people are somewhere in between. They have characteristics of both, but they may predominate more to one end than the other. Behaviors also can vary depending on the situation and the person's current stress levels. For example, I can handle things that are outside of my preferred temperament requirements a lot better if I am well rested and if I'm not stressed out. If I'm stressed out, then I want to be in environments that are more nurturing or conducive to my temperament. So let's talk about some of these things. Introverts in my clinical experience may be highly sensitive people and HSPs highly sensitive people. When they're around other people, they are so empathic that it can be exhausting. It's not that they don't like other people, but being around other people is draining for them. Being around other people for extroverts is energizing. So that's one of the big differences. It's not that introverts don't like other people. Being around other people can be very draining. So it could be because they're HSPs and it's exhausting. You got that one. Or it could be because they need to exert extra effort to understand other people and you know, they are well aware of what's going on inside them. But it takes more energy to focus outside of their own head on other people and pay attention to what's going on with them. So there are two different reasons that being around other people may be exhausting. But for introverts, often that's the case. It's not that they don't like other people, they just have to do it in small bits. My daughter's an introvert and she will very matter of factly tell me after we've been out somewhere. When she was younger, we'd come home from shopping or what have you and she'd go up to a room and say, far too much extroverting for today, I need to decompress. And she'd go to her room. Okay, as long as you're aware of what your needs are and what your limits are, that's fine. Introverts tend to be great listeners. Listening doesn't take as much energy as interacting. And my stepfather is very much an introvert and he would be, as my mother would say, a man of few words. He didn't have a lot to contribute. He didn't spend a whole lot of time thinking about, okay, what do I have to say to this? And you know, how can I engage in an interactive discussion that wasn't really important to him. He was interested in what other people had to say and he cared about what they had to say and he wanted to hear it. But he wasn't necessarily interested in getting involved in every discussion. Now I'm going to jump ahead for a second. A lot of introverts do like in depth discussions about things that they're interested in. Again, they often find small talk tedious. So if we would start to talk about politics or something that he was interested in, he would open right up. But things that he didn't have a lot of knowledge on didn't have a lot to contribute. He didn't feel the need to really interact. So some people would say, you know, well, does he not like us? Why is he not interacting? And it's important to recognize that for him, he just didn't see the point. If he had something to say, he Would and the rest of the time he wanted to hear what other people had to say. People who are introverts often tend to get exhausted. In large groups they can do it and sometimes they even enjoy it. But some of your social introverts, if you will, enjoy going out and being with people, but in small doses, they'll go to the football game or they'll go to play poker with friends, or they'll go to things, but then they need to come home and have quiet time or decompression time. Because being in large groups of people can be exhausting. Some introverts prefer being alone or in small groups. My husband's an introvert and he has no problem with solitary activities. He can go weeks, you know, quarantine did not bother him a bit. He was like, this is great. I don't have to interact with people. And that's fine with him. He doesn't mind people. He likes some people, but he also does not mind being alone. If we do get together, he prefers small groups, you know, a double date, for example, as opposed to going to a party with 50 people. Introverts often have a few very close friends and they know their friends deeply, whereas extroverts tend to have a lot of acquaintances. You know, they know everybody in the neighborhood. The introvert may know one person, it's not because they don't like their neighbors, but because it takes so much energy to engage with other people and because their idea of interaction is often one of quality and depth, it takes a lot of energy to develop that. So they don't have the energy to develop develop that with the whole neighborhood. Introverts often dislike interruptions and chaos. They get focused and they tend to like to maintain their focus. If there are interruptions or a lot of chaos going on around them, it can feel exhausting because their train of thought is getting interrupted a lot. Introverts often know a lot about a few things versus a little about a lot of things. So think about college instead of taking a survey of psychology or a survey of criminology or something. This would be like taking abnormal psych 101, 102 and 103. They want to know the deep dive on things. And this is again why they may not enjoy conversing superficially about a bunch of stuff, but if they can talk in depth about something, for a lot of introverts, that is very enticing for them. Now this isn't true of all introverts. Remember I said that most people are a combination of introvert and extrovert characteristics. But it is important if you are in a relationship with an introvert to also recognize these things. It's not that they can't be in large groups, even if they prefer small groups, but they need to plan ahead. Knowing your temperament and preferences can help you choose environments that are more nurturing and plan effectively to reduce or minimize distress in your less preferred situations. If you have to do something that is stressful, you know you don't like being in large groups or especially for a long time, then planning ahead. I had a conference last year and my husband was very integral in facilitating everything else that went on during the conference besides the teaching, which is what I was doing. But that was a whole lot of extroverting for him. And at the end of the day, I knew it was important for him to be able to just come back to the cabin and have some wind down time because that was just mentally and physically completely exhausting and he recognized that too. So we didn't plan on going out and doing exploration or something each night after the conference because I was tired from talking all day and he was exhausted from extroverting. Introverts can be the yin to the extrovert's yang. Introverts can be balance out extroverts. We work well together. You know, the extrovert may learn a lot about a lot of different things and the introvert says, okay, pick one. You want to know a lot in depth and I'll learn about that. So that's interesting. Now, for example, I am. I identify as an extrovert. However, I'm one of those people. I want to learn everything there is to know about fill in the blank. I started organic gardening. I wanted to know everything there was to know about organic gardening. So I ordered books and I read and I read and I talked and I went to classes. When I had my son who was a micro preemie, I wanted to know everything there was to know about parenting, premature infants. So again, I ordered at that point there were only like six books on the topic. So that was a pretty easy, easy go through. But it is important to recognize that people with different temperaments can't actually do really well in relationships. And you recognize the benefits of the other person's temperament or you recognize what the other person needs and you meet somewhere in the middle. Introverts can have social anxiety, but not all people with social anxiety are introverts. There are extroverts that also have social anxiety. So again, it's really important not to confuse temperament or with diagnosis. And temperament is something that's relatively innate. It's like me having brown eyes. It's just the way. The way I'm wired, the way I'm built. And there's nothing wrong with one type of temperament or the other. It's a matter of figuring out. Where do you fit? What part of the puzzle do you fit in, and where are you most comfortable?