Letting Go and Moving Forward CBT Techniques | Cognitive Behavioral Tools

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's presentation on how to let go and move forward. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. Challenging questions or facepalm, is one of my favorite techniques to use in therapy. When people come in and they are holding on to beliefs, a lot of times those beliefs are based on either old information in inaccurate information, inadequate information, or feelings. And it's important to really step back and get a bigger picture. So let's start by going through facepalm. Facepalm starts with looking at the facts for and against your belief. If you grew up, for example, in a household where there was someone with an addiction, okay, the facts are that there was somebody with an addiction. The fact is that there was a person that had a mental illness in your household. You may have the belief, you may have felt like nobody loved you, you may have felt like you were unlovable, you may have felt unsafe. But we want to look at the facts for and against those beliefs. And it's really important to recognize that what a five year old perceives as being true and accurate may actually not be. A lot of times in households where there is someone with an addiction, the addicted caregiver does not love the child. The addicted caregiver just doesn't have the capability to love. It's not that they dislike the child or they think the child is not worthy of love. They are just not capable of loving anybody, let alone themselves or their children. As adults, we can start to learn that, but as children, children are not going to understand that. Processing these thoughts, looking at the facts, what evidence do you have? Observable evidence. Not assumptions, not guesses, not hypotheses, but facts. And I keep saying for and against, because your beliefs were formed on a kernel of truth somewhere. We just want to look at whether your perceptions were accurate or not. Once you've identified the facts for and against your belief, you'll figure out, you know, all right, I want to hold on to this, or maybe I need to modify it a little bit. But then let's go a little bit further because a lot of times when we feel distress, our HPA axis, our threat response system, kicks off. When that kicks off, we start to get tunnel vision and we start having more difficulty processing things and interpreting them in with all of their depth. So you want to look at what additional factors might be contributing to this situation. So we'll go back to the kid. In the alcoholic household, there was alcoholism involved. It's important that the adults can now take into consideration the impact that that had, maybe their parent or caregiver also had trauma that was contributing to their inability to be emotionally and physically available and their, you know, use of substances. So those are additional factors, additional dimensions that we're adding to this puzzle that may alter to a certain extent the beliefs context. Looking back in that context, what when you formed that belief, what else was going on in that context? Now you're holding that belief in the present context. What is similar now to back then and what is different now to back then? How is this context that you're in now similar and different? Because you're going to start evaluating whether holding on to this belief in the present, in this context at this time. Does holding on to this belief in this form serve me well? You're going to check for extreme language, like all or nothing. Nobody ever cared for me. I was always this or I was never this. Alright, we want to just chop out those extreme words and use more moderate words. I was often or I was sometimes. And yes, it may have felt like all the time. However rarely do things happen all the time. And it's important to soften that a little bit, maybe step back and see are there any exceptions, probability or likelihood? Holding onto this belief, I have this belief that from these experiences that I'm unlovable. What is the probability that nobody will ever love me? You know, here that extreme word, nobody. So that's one issue. But what is the probability? If based on the current context and the current situation, what is different? Well, you know, we're talking about other people, people that don't have raging alcoholism and addiction and other issues. We're talking about a whole world of people, people, not just the caregivers that you were living with. What are some alternate explanations for why this happened? What are some alternate explanations for why your parents didn't show you the love and care and compassion that you deserved? And again, we go back to what else was going on for them that prevented it. What else could have caused them to act that way besides you? What can you learn from this situation, if anything? And what do you need to do or what do you want to do to use your energy in the present to help you move forward? You obviously are exploring this thought because it hurts. You don't want to hold on to it, you want to get rid of it, but you're not sure what to do. Moving forward means choosing to use your energy for those things that are important in your rich and meaningful life and choosing not to continue sending energy back to the past or back to Other situations or back to things in your current environment that are not important to to you. Moving forward means harnessing your energy and using that to head you on the right path as you define it. Beliefs that promote distress, anxiety, anger, depression, guilt, grief, enva. Those beliefs were formed based on prior learning and your perception of the situation. If you develop the belief that you are unlovable, if you develop the belief that you were incapable, if you developed the belief that people were untrustworthy, that came from somewhere. It was developed through experiences. And then you formed this shortcut in your brain, which we call a schema that helps your brain predict what's going to happen in the future and keep you safe. So if you're telling yourself you're incapable and unlovable, then your brain is going to say, hey, don't even bother going there because it's going to end up badly. Well, that's a really hurtful place to be. However, a lot of people, even once they go through that whole facepalm activity, they may realize objectively, okay, this thought may not be a hundred percent on point in this context at this time. However, letting go of it, believing that I'm lovable, believing that people are trustworthy, or at least some people are trustworthy, ooh, that's really scary. And it's hard for me to let go of those old beliefs that have protected me until now. Resistance or difficulty moving forward is often the result of of that fear being ingrained in our autopilot. When we encounter a situation that reminds us of prior hurts or prior threats or prior bad experiences, it triggers that schema that says, hey, you're unlovable or you're incapable, so don't even try because that'll keep you from being hurt. That's an autopilot. We don't think about it in our conscious mind. It's in our subconscious. And we have those automatic thoughts that just come out and say, this is how you act. Just like when you're pulling up to a traffic light, if it turns yellow, you don't really think about, what do I do now? You either stop or you gun it. Depending on your prior experiences, the default mode network or our autopilot connects helps us operate without having to think through every single move that we make. When you encounter something that reminds you of that situation or something that brings up that thought, it paves a path, if you will. And I want you to think about maybe going hiking in the woods. And paths that people walk on a lot are nice and clear. They're wide they're easy to traverse, they're easy to get through. It's wonderful. Well, that is the path between the things that remind you of this bad memory or this thought, things that bring up this thought and that schema. That path is wide open, super clear, really easy to traverse, really well paved. The paths to any other explanations, any other beliefs, they're all overgrown and you can't get through to them. Okay. The paths that stay stronger are the paths that you use more often. Makes sense. So that path is paved, if you will, with stepping stones of self talk. Stepping stones that say, you can't do this, you'll never be lovable, whatever other things that your inner critic or your automatic thoughts tell you. Okay, so that is your dialogue that happens whenever you, whenever that thought is triggered or that situation is triggered. A new path has to be paved with new stones. But just like clearing a path in the forest or paving a path in your backyard with pavers, it's not something that happens like that. You've got to set up the groundwork, you know, clear it out, level it out, start making the stepping stones, laying them in the correct position or whatever. But it takes time and expecting yourself to process a thought, have this epiphany that, oh, okay, you know, maybe holding on to this thought is not helpful in the present. Well, that's all well and good, but your brain is not all of a sudden going to say, okay, not going to use that path anymore. It's going to take time to condition yourself, to take the new path, to work on clearing that path. It's not as wide open, you're not as familiar with it, but you're going to take that path. So it does take time. And sometimes people feel like they're not moving forward because they still keep having that nagging thought that, hey, I'm unlovable or I'm incapable, or whatever that thought is. My response is usually that's expected. What we want to look for is your ability to shut down that thought more quickly, your ability to recognize that thought is not helpful and choose a different path. Eventually, you won't even be tempted to go down the destructive or distressful path. But it's going to take some time to retrain your brain. Often when people process an unhelpful belief, they stop there. I am incapable of doing math. Okay, process that belief. Stop there. Once you've processed that belief, though, there are also other associated and underlying beliefs. Once I process that belief, there may be other things that are associated with it that I need to Process beliefs and feelings that arise about letting go of the beliefs may also need to be processed. So what does it mean about me if I forgive this person? What does it mean about me if I quit being angry about what happened? What does it mean about me? So going back to that, that child again, that grew up in the unhealthy household, they may come to this epiphany that their caregivers just couldn't do any better. However, what else? Alright, my caregiver couldn't do any better. That still doesn't make it fair. I'm still angry that I didn't have the childhood that I wanted. Okay, that's two more beliefs that you've got to process. So there's a lot of work to do underneath that onion, or underneath, underneath that iceberg, or by peeling back the layers of that onion before you're going to be able to move on. We are not that simple where we have one pure emotion or one pure thought and nothing else connected to or related to it. So it's going to be important to recognize all of the associated thoughts that may lead back to that distressful thought and process all of them. So going back to hiking again. When you go on a hike, a lot of times there's a main path and then there are little offshoots that you can take. Each one of those offshoots is an associated thought, if you will, and each one of those also needs to be rerouted to the new path. When you use your new belief, it's important to think to yourself. If I tell myself I'm lovable or I'm capable, when I use this, what other feelings, thoughts or beliefs come up for you? Some people will just. They don't feel anything because they're just not connected to that thought. They're saying the words, but they don't really believe it. Okay, let's talk about that. Some people will say those words or think those words and have an immediate rejection reaction of, no, that's not right. I don't want to believe that. That's uncomfortable. Okay, let's talk about that. What else? What is your inner critic? What does your inner self tell you when you say that? You know, is it saying you're full of crap? Is it saying, what is it saying? When you use that new belief, notice how it makes you feel and check to see if you're safe in the moment. If I say I'm capable and I'm like, yeah, well, maybe I am, all right, this is a scary new thing for me to think I'm capable. I feel scared. All right, that's okay. I'm noticing how it makes me feel and then I'm checking. I feel uneasy because this is new territory. But am I safe? Yeah. Objectively, it doesn't look like anything terribly bad is going on right now. Alright, score one in the good column. If you have difficulty embracing those new thoughts, explore the yes buts. You may say my parents couldn't have done any better. All right, well, that may be true, but I still deserve to have a better childhood. Okay, well, you gotta process that. My parents couldn't do any better, but this happened, or whatever your thoughts are. A lot of times, yes buts, that's what I listen for when I'm in individuals with people, because that indicates resistance to me. That tells me that either they're afraid, you know, I've struck a chord and they're afraid to move forward, or they don't feel like they have the skills to move forward, or they're not motivated to change for some reason. And then we have to explore why, you know, what is it that is maintaining them right there or keeping them stuck. In terms of motivations, you have to be motivated to change even your thoughts. So it's important to notice when you start using these new thoughts, how it makes you feel. If it helps you feel liberated, empowered, safer. If it helps you feel like you have an opportunity to start over again or, or to achieve things that you never thought. However it makes you feel and think is important to notice. Your motivations are physical. If you let go of the distress and you embrace this new thinking, you embrace this new path, is it going to reduce your physical stress, your tension, your sleeplessness, your GI upset, whatever it is, is it going to help you feel happier? Is it going to help you logically move forward towards your goals and do things that are meaningful in your life? If you let go of these distressful thoughts, how is it going to impact your relationships, the current ones, what might change? All of these things are motivations to look at. And there may be some that are a little scary. You know, if I let go of this thought that nobody is trustworthy, I might get hurt again. Yeah. So that. And that's scary. That's true. So let's talk about that. And that's where processing each thought comes in relationships. For example, part of being in a relationship means being vulnerable. And being vulnerable is a little bit scary for anybody. And it's important for each individual to decide what level of vulnerability they are open and willing to experience before they feel too scared. But just because something's scary doesn't mean you don't do it. Hays talks about living in the and I can feel scared or apprehensive about getting into a relationship and do it anyway because it's worth the risk. And that is one of those decisions that only you can make. Other questions to Ponder maybe you recognize that your feelings or thoughts were accurate in the past, but whatever that was is no longer a threat. Maybe you weren't safe in your household and you were 5, 6, 7, you couldn't just up and move out. You couldn't take care of yourself. So you felt very trapped, you felt very unsafe. Now at 27 or 37, maybe your home environment, your home of origin environment is still very dysfunctional. However, you don't have to stay there. If you go there for Christmas or Thanksgiving or whatever and things start to get wonky, you have the ability to leave. Now as an adult, you can make different choices. So it's important to identify and validate that. Yeah, that thought in that situation at that time, what was very on point and very valid, maybe not now in that that relationship with that person was very toxic. I'm in a new relationship now. Being in a relationship is not the threat. The person or the quality of the relationship was more the threat. So what are you afraid will happen if you stop feeding feeling angry, anxious or guilty about whatever happened in the past that formed those thoughts? If you stop being angry about it? Are you afraid that it's going to happen again if you stop being afraid of it? Are you afraid that you will be hurt again if you stop feeling guilty about it? Are you afraid that you're going to do make that same mistake again? A lot of times that does come up. So how can you keep yourself safe? How can you learn from it so you don't repeat it, but not be stuck in it? What are you afraid it means about you? If you let go, if you let go of that anger at somebody, if you let go of that anxiety, what are people going to say about you? What are people going to think about you? What are you going to think about you and why? How would letting go and moving forward help you feel better? How would using all that energy to move towards those things that are so important in your life help you feel more enriched instead of continuing to be angry over something you can't change because it's done, it's in the past? Maybe you realize that your feelings or thoughts were accurate in the past, but no longer a threat and you need to grieve losing a part of yourself. Maybe you were so and so's significant other. Well, and now you're not. You recognize the relationship was toxic, but you're not sure who to be if you're not that. Maybe you were a codependent in the past and you've gone through recovery and therapy and you've emerged a healthier person, and you are not defining yourself as a codependent anymore. Maybe you need to find a new part of yourself or learn a new way of responding. If you've always believed that nobody was trustworthy, then you probably probably responded to people in a certain way. If you always believed that nobody would actually love you for who you are, you probably responded to other people in a certain way. Oh, now you may need to figure out a new way to respond, a new way to trust others, a new way to maybe explore relationships. But if you don't have those skills, then you're gonna stay stuck. So if you're going, well, I need to start trusting more. I need to start putting myself out there. Okay, that sounds great, but the question is, how do you know how to do it? And that's another mistake that a lot of people make is just assuming that if they quit responding one way, they're automatically gonna know how to respond in the new way. That is a faulty assumption. Maybe you realize that your anger or anxiety or your belief prompted anger and anxiety. That was a false alarm. Your belief was not 100% accurate in the present context at the present time. What are you afraid will happen if you let go of that anger or anxiety? Or maybe your beliefs were spot on. Sometimes you go through that whole mnemonic and you realize that, you know what? I was right. That belief is a hundred percent accurate. However, I need to do something different. I may not need to change my thoughts. I may need to change my behaviors. Maybe you are in a relationship in which you were betrayed, and now you've got to choose to move on, and that can be really difficult. And, and the question is why? Why is it difficult to let. Even if you're broken up, why is it difficult to let go of that person or let go of that relationship? What thoughts do you have? What fears do you have about letting go? What does it say about you? You let go. And that's probably a good two dozen thoughts that you need or beliefs that you need to process. Same thing is true with grief. Many times people feel guilty if they don't grieve for the, quote, appropriate length of time. Everybody grieves differently, and when you have a loss, you know it's spot on to grief. But how long you grieve and how you grieve, that is very individual to each person. And it's important to explore for yourself what it means to let go of that being grief stricken and when it is right for you to move on. Facepalm helps you assess the facts, additional factors, extreme beliefs, and the probability of bad things happening, and then decide how to use your energy to move forward toward the things that are important in your rich and meaningful life. Facepalm addresses one belief at a time. Usually there are several more underlying or associated beliefs that also need to be processed before you can actually move forward. So the next time you feel stuck, explore what thoughts or fears still need to be addressed.