Master Conflict Resolution: Boundaries and Constructive Disagreement

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's episode of the PACER Method, a trauma, informed, integrative, cognitive, behavioral approach to health and wellness. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes, and today we're going to talk about how to disagree constructively. A lot of people really struggle with disagreement. In today's episode, we're going to talk about how to disagree without derailing the conversation with losing your composure or violating the boundaries of either yourself or the other person. Attention, therapists all. CEUS is grateful to our new sponsor, the Diversion Center. They offer workbooks that are 100% editable and delivered to you in a word document on topics including anger management, substance use disorders, domestic violence, parenting and shoplifting addiction. Each workbook can be used for individual or group sessions and is over 120 pages. You have the option to add or remove content, insert your name as the author, and reprint and resell the workbooks to your clients. Go to privatelabelworkbooks.com and take advantage of their buy one, get one free bundle offers. Remember, that's privatelabelworkbooks.com let's start out with what is disagreement? Disagreement is very simply a difference of opinion based on each person's knowledge, values, perceptions, and point of view. It doesn't mean yours is right or wrong. It just means it's different. And they did experiments with children many, many, many years ago in which they had young children stand on either side of a mountain thing, and on one side of the mountain, there was a train coming out of a tunnel. On the other side of the mountain, there was no tunnel, there was no train. When the children were asked what they saw, of course they assumed that the child on the other side saw what they saw. Ultimately, this helped us understand that especially in young children, they think egocentrically. That means they think that whatever they think is what the other person has experienced, experienced. So of course, what they must be thinking. Disagreement recognizes that one child didn't even have the opportunity to see a tunnel or a train. And so both children may report very different observations because they saw two very different things. Think of a time you've disagreed with somebody but remained open to listening. And. And they turned out to have some good points. Exercise. You know, if you've watched other videos of mine, you know, I really enjoy exercise. And there's a lot of debate in the exercise community, for example, about whether you should do cardio first or lift weights first or whether you should do cardio at all. And I have my opinion, but I have friends who have very different opinions. And I have remained open to hearing the facts that they use to inform their decision about what they do and in which order. It doesn't necessarily mean I've changed my approach because I found a way that works for me. But I remain open and I don't criticize them because they found a way that works for them. Nutrition is the same way. When I was a young counselor, I remember learning about diagnosis. And diagnosis in mental health is not 100% science. There's a certain art to it because a lot of symptoms overlap and could be caused by a whole myriad of different things. And I remember sitting in clinical meetings talking with other staff members and debating about different people's actual diagnosis or whether they also had this other additional diagnosis, whether we didn't get into a heated confrontation. We were just stating our observations and putting it out there to explore. Think of a time you disagreed with someone about how to do something, but both of your solutions had the same outcome. Gardening. Another one of those things that I love doing. And there are a lot of different ways to garden. There are no till methods. There are till methods. There are raised methods. There's hydroponics. And I may not agree with the way one person does it, and they may not agree with the way I do it. They may like their way better than mine, but ultimately, do we produce a similar harvest? And in many of these cases, the answer is yes. Their way is not any more right or wrong than my way. It's just different. And ultimately, we both produce enough food to feed our families. Doing a puzzle. I'm a frame person. I like to put the border together, the frame of the puzzle together, and then fill it in. That's the way I've always done it. My grandmother, on the other hand, just couldn't do that. She thought that it was better to group things according to color and then try to put them together. And as it came together, it would come together and the frame would eventually appear. Was I right and she was wrong? Was she right and I was wrong? No, we just had different approaches. One more example I'll give you, because I think this one is particularly relevant to a lot of people, is homework and time management. My kids are in college now, and they have to budget their own time in order to get their courses done. And my daughter and I tend to have very similar approaches. So there's very little disagreement. My son and I have very different approaches in terms of time management and doing assignments and. And things like that. So where I would recommend doing it, a particular way he does it a completely different way. Ultimately, he gets it done, and that's what matters, not whether he does it my way or his way, but whether he gets it done. Recognizing, again, that disagreement just means different points of view. And it's important to really detach from that and recognize that it is a perspective. Impact of unhealthy disagreement. Now we're going to talk about how disagreement can actually be helpful and healthy. But when disagreement is unhealthy, when it triggers a lot of anxiety and anger and angst, then it's triggering physically that stress reaction, which is going to potentially contribute to inflammation, poor sleep, upset tummy, upset stomach, jaw pain from clenching your teeth, headaches, the whole range of things. Affectively or emotionally. Some people have what I call preemptive anxiety. If they know they're getting ready to interact with someone who disagrees with them a lot or be in a situation in which there might be disagreement, they may, leading up to that event, start having anxiety that disrupts their sleep, that triggers their stress response, that increases their pain. When there is disagreement, they may respond with anger. Now remember, anxiety and anger are the emotions that are associated with the stress response. Fight is associated with anger, and flee is associated with anxiety. So in unhealthy disagreement, people are perceiving a threat for some reason, and it's important to consider. Consider exploring disagreement again as simply a difference of opinion. Whether somebody likes the color blue better than the color of red. You know, it's as simple as that. Cognitively, unhealthy disagreement can trigger memories and schema or expectations about disagreement that are associated with prior disagreements. So if you've had prior aggressive disagreements or disagreed with somebody and they broke up with you, or your parents used to disagree a lot and then they got divorced, or there was domestic violence, then disagreement can trigger schema, can trigger memories that tell you that when someone disagrees with you, it's very dangerous, and we're going to talk about how to deal with that a little bit more in a few minutes. And relationally, unhealthy disagreement often triggers the inner critic. The inner critic in you may start saying, you're stupid. You should have known better than that. It may result in boundary violations. Either you letting someone else violate your boundaries and tell you how to think or feel or what to do, or you violating somebody else's boundaries, telling them how to think, what they should feel or what they should do. Whenever you start hearing shoulds, that's often an indication of boundary violations, and it can harm relationships. When you are in Unhealthy disagreements. Sometimes it can contribute to feeling that the other person does not respect you. So why is disagreement stressful? Well, think about what have you been taught about disagreement. Have you been taught that disagreement is healthy and it's okay? Or have you been taught that it is not okay to disagree? Or if somebody is disagreeing with you, it's about you versus about whatever topic you're disagreeing on? Do you have prior trauma surrounding disagreement that's being triggered when people disagree with you in the present? I alluded to that on the last slide. If you have been in relationships or where there was domestic violence, whether it was your parents or your personal relationships, when disagreement happened, a lot of times it probably ended up spiraling into something that became verbally or physically threatening. And so disagreement may trigger those memories. It's important to recognize that and understand when your stuff from the past is being triggered in the present. At that point you can stop and get grounded and start recognizing in this context, at this point in time, am I safe? Is this the same as that situation or is it different? It's important to explore what it means when people disagree with you. What does it mean to you when people disagree with you? Again, we're going to talk more about that as we go through this, and I hope to encourage you to consider reevaluating your perception of disagreement as something that needs to be hostile or intrusive. What does it mean if you're wrong? Have you been wrong before? I know I've been wrong before. Does it mean I'm dumb? Does it mean I'm a bad person? No, it means I was wrong, I made a mistake, I'm fallible. How can being wrong be a growth opportunity? So if I have a perspective about something and someone else has a different perspective and we disagree on it, yet I remain open to hearing their point of view. And then I start getting some knowledge that I didn't have before. It can help inform me so I can make a decision about whether to change my point of view. Doesn't mean I have to, but it means I'm gathering more knowledge that may shape my decision making. How can disagreement be positive? And I know this seems counterintuitive, but it really can be positive. When everybody agrees, then it creates this situation that some people call groupthink. When everybody agrees, then nobody is looking for alternate explanations. Nobody's looking for alternate perspectives or alternate ways of doing things. Disagreement actually encourages growth. It encourages people to step back and be more objective, to consider different opportunities, to consider ways to Synergize. So disagreement often promotes growth because a lot of times when people disagree, they can recognize the valid points that each other has and figure out ways to synergize. If disagreement triggers anger, it's important to check the facts. In the present context, are you assuming the person is judging or trying to control you? A lot of times when people disagree with us, we start automatically get defensive because we're triggering those prior schema, those prior experiences, and we think, oh my gosh, that person's trying to control me or judge me, and they may reject me. All of that is very threatening. However, 90% of the time, you're making an assumption about what the other person is thinking. So it's important to get grounded and think to yourself, are they trying, really trying to control me, or are they just offering their opinion? Are you objectively safe? Remember I said it can trigger memories from the past. So think in this current context, if you're disagreeing with somebody, are you objectively safe from physical harm, from emotional harm? And sometimes the answer may be no. And if that's the case, then it's important to take steps to get safe. But most of the time, we are objectively safe. Even if somebody gets upset because we don't share the same opinion, it doesn't necessarily mean they're going to reject us. It may mean that they are feeling threatened themselves. How is this situation different than other prior unsafe disagreements? When you disagreed in an unsafe environment, or when you were in an environment where people were disagreeing and it became unsafe, how is this situation different? How is this person with whom you're disagreeing different? Does the topic represent something you feel threatened about? When we start talking about, you know, politics and religion especially, a lot of people feel very threatened that if I don't change this person's mind, it means that I'm going to lose control and they are going to force me to change. So if I don't change their mind, then they're going to change mine. And it doesn't have to be that way. I don't have to change anybody else's mind. I can hold to my opinion and, and respect their difference of opinion. We can agree to disagree. And that doesn't always feel 100% satisfying, but it is respectful to recognize that other people may have very different opinions about things. Maintaining composure when someone disagrees with you. First step, breathe. Get into your wise mind. So do that stress breathing that we've talked about before. Breathe in for a count of six, hold for a count of six, and Exhale for a count of six. And you don't have to do it like all demonstratively to make a big scene out of it. You know, you can do it where nobody sees what you're doing. But when you slow your breathing and it triggers that rest and digest, it triggers that relaxation response. So you can stop flooding your system with adrenaline and start getting back into your wise mind where you can think clearly. So breathe. Couple of slow, deep breaths often can help you get your composure. Repeat to yourself in your own head, everybody has the right to their opinion. You have the right to yours. You wouldn't want somebody taking away your right to have your opinion. Well, nobody else wants their right to their opinion taken away either. So remembering everybody has the right to their opinion, you may not agree with it. You may think it's completely wrong. However, it's their right to hold it. Be mindful of the facts in the present context. Are you safe? Are you having a discussion where your boundaries are being respected? Separate rejection of your point of view from rejection of you. And I'm going to say that again. Separate rejection of your point of view from rejection of you. You can disagree with somebody and they can vehemently disagree with your point of view. It doesn't mean that they are necessarily rejecting you as a person. They may reject your thought, but they're not rejecting you. Parents disagree with their children a lot. That's part of the growth process. I may disagree with my kids, I may reject their point of view or their thesis on something, but I'm not rejecting them. I love them. And, and it's important to be able to separate the two of those things. If you're going into a holiday gathering and you know that you're going to encounter people who share different points of view, recognize that you are respecting and loving them and potentially rejecting their point of view. And they have the right to do the same thing to you. They can love you and reject your point of view. Now, you also may want to consider the setting. You know, is it an appropriate place to bring up certain things? Sometimes at family gatherings, it's better to, you know, let certain things not come up. But when they do come up again, remind yourself, they're rejecting my thought or my point of view. They're not rejecting me. Embrace the dialectics. What does that mean? That means the good with the bad. Both of you may be right from a certain point of view, like doing a puzzle. We're both going to get the puzzle put together, but I need to put the frame together first. It just. I have a hard time doing it if I don't put the frame together first. And my grandmother was the opposite. We were both right from a certain point of view. Gardening, you know, every gardening approach has its strengths and its weaknesses. Both of us are right from a certain point of view. Leave your baggage in the closet until you can unpack it. What do I mean by that? I mean that we all have prior experiences in which disagreement was unpleasant. At the very least, it's important to not hold the current person accountable and hostage for the way somebody else reacted. Recognize that you're feeling anxiety because of what somebody else did in the past, but don't assume the person in the present is going to react the same way. Recognize their motives. And this can be really hard. But it's important when you're taking that deep breath to try to think to yourself, is this person trying to be helpful? Sometimes they're disagreeing with you because they think that you don't have all of the information, and they want to help you make what they perceive as the right decision. They're not trying to criticize you. They're trying to be helpful. So are they trying to be helpful? Are they trying to avoid losing control or save face? Sometimes people will disagree with you because they feel threatened that you have a different point of view. And sometimes they may even initiate disagreements in order to try to make sure that they have control. But again, that's more about them than it is about you. It's about them trying to avoid losing control. It's about their threats and their insecurities. It has much less to do with you. Recognizing their motives can be helpful because it can help you reconceptualize what's going on as not an attack on you. You know, even if they're trying to avoid losing control, if they're trying to keep control, that's about them and their response to feeling threatened. Respect boundaries, yours and theirs, physically. Don't glare at them. Try to keep an open posture. And that means don't stand there with your arms crossed and looking at them down your glasses. You know, keep an open posture. Try to remind yourself to keep your hands at your sides or maybe in your pockets. Sometimes it's hard to figure out what to do with your hands, but ultimately you don't want to look like you're angry. Don't take an aggressive posture. If you're sitting down and you start having an argument, don't stand up because then the other person will stand. That is an escalation of the threat response. So try to keep a relaxed posture and maintain a calm and curious tone of voice. Affectively, both of you feel how you feel. There are no shoulds. Remember I said shoulds often indicate a boundary violation. You feel angry, you feel anxious, you feel depressed, you feel happy, you feel ambivalent, and it is how you feel. Telling somebody else how to feel is a violation of their boundary. Them telling you how to feel, telling you to calm down or get over it, that's a violation of your boundaries. Recognize how you feel and own it. And then you can choose what to do with it. And you can choose when you de escalate, when you let it go. Don't assume you know what they are thinking or how they're feeling towards you. Don't think in your head, well, you don't think I can do anything right? That you're assuming something. Maybe they think you do a lot of things right. However, they think they might have additional information that can help you in this particular area. Again, a lot of times people are trying to be helpful. Cognitively, each person's point of view is valid based on the knowledge that each person has. But you can be assertive when you're disagreeing with somebody you know, hear what they have to say, hear their point of view, and then ask questions. Tell me a bit more about why you think that or I agree with your points about X, Y, and Z. However, I also feel strongly about these points over here. I homeschooled my kids and my mother was very opposed to it, and we had this discussion more than once. We both respected each other's rights to our own opinions and agreed to disagree on that particular topic. Environmentally, respect their space and don't make a public spectacle. Don't do this in front of the whole family. If you're going to disagree with somebody you know, it's better to take it outside, so to speak. Or if you're at Thanksgiving dinner and you start having a disagreement at the table, taking a breath and continuing that conversation in private instead of in front of the entire family at the dinner table. Relationally, don't manipulate friends or family to garner support. Don't try to get people on your side to gang up on the other person because that will make them feel threatened and help the other person feel heard and understood. Stay on track by avoiding derailing the conversation by making it about you or the other person and making it a personal attack. You always have to be critical of me or you never do anything around here. Instead, listen to hear the other person's needs and thoughts. Be curious and seek objective clarification. Find points of agreement instead of focusing on the disagreement. Find areas about which you do agree. Evaluate the facts for both of your points of view, generally in your own head, and then support your point of view and response with facts. I feel this way or I believe this way because you know, help people understand how you arrived at your point of view and then try to create a win win. How can we work together to synergize or how can we, you know, mutually work through this? Disagreement does not have to be stressful. My son amazes me with regularity with how well he handles disagreement. He doesn't get flustered at all, whereas I tend to get a little bit more flustered. It's one of those skills that I do work on. It's impossible for everybody to agree with you all the time. Just ain't gonna happen. Disagreements can provide opportunities to explore things from a different perspective or gain additional knowledge, and can be resolved with compromise, agreeing to disagree, or one person changing. Learn more@docsnipes.com YouTube this episode was produced by Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnelly Snipes. They can be reached at 1633 West Main Street, Suite 902, Lebanon, TN 37087 or by email at supportocsnipes. Com.