My 12 Rules for Life

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this presentation on my 12 Rules for Life. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. Rule number one, pave the way to healthy relationships by being assertive in your verbal and nonverbal communication. PAVE stands for present yourself confidently, awareness of your feelings and ideas, validation of the other person's feelings and ideas. An exploration of ways to cooperate. So let's talk about that from the beginning. Present yourself confidently when you interact with other people. Make eye contact as appropriate for your culture. Hold yourself high, pull your shoulders back when you walk. Looking at the ground and hunched over, you tend to feel disempowered, you tend to feel depressed, you tend to feel low energy. So raise your body to help raise your mood. When you present yourself confidently, it says, I deserve respect and you deserve respect, and I'm not intimidated by interacting with others. A stands for be aware of your feelings and ideas. It's hard to communicate assertively if you don't know what you're trying to communicate. V stands for validate the other person's feelings and thoughts as valid. You don't have to agree with them, but they are that person's feelings and thoughts. Assertiveness means my thoughts and feelings are not more or less important than your thoughts and feelings. E stands for explore ways to cooperate, compromise or synergize. Sometimes compromise means agreeing to disagree, other times cooperation. You know, think about times that you're talking to people and you communicate assertively what your opinion is about, where you want to go for dinner or what movie you want to see, or your opinion on something. Putting that out there gives people an awareness of your thoughts, wants, and needs. And they can either choose to say, yeah, I agree. Let's cooperate, let's work on this, or they can say, well, this is my take on it. And then you can start trying to figure out how to create a win win. So, number one, PAVE number two is visceral. Develop a healthy relationship with yourself by meeting your visceral needs. Now, visceral means in your gut. We want to feel safe. We want to feel happy in our head, heart, and gut. So visceral stands for validating. Be aware of how you're feeling and validate your thoughts, wants and needs as valid. They are what they are. They're not good, they're not bad, they're just. They are. I stands for intimate or connected or aware. You need to be intimately aware of your thoughts, wants, and feelings. So it's important to regularly check in with yourself. Be mindful of what you're thinking, feeling and needing. S stands for safe. It's important to feel safe in your own head. It's important to feel like you have control over your own self. So developing a relationship with yourself where you're meeting your needs and providing a safe, healthy environment. C stands for consistent and predictable. When we feel good about ourselves, when we've got a strong self esteem, we've got a healthy relationship with ourselves, we tend to respond to ourselves. We are regularly consistent, consistently connected and validating and ensuring our safety. So we are predictably and consistently maintaining this healthy, positive, empowering aura, if you will. E stands for encouraging and nurturing. We need to encourage ourselves. Sometimes we can't wait for other people to do it. So it's important that we're able to look in the mirror and, and say, you know what, you got this. We need to be willing to encourage ourselves and nurture ourselves. Are means being responsive to our needs. So when we notice those needs that we have through our intimate connectedness with ourselves and validating how we feel, then we need to do something about it. If I sit there and I go, well, I'm hungry. Yeah, you're hungry. Validate that. That's spot on. But then I don't do anything about it. You know, that's a problem. So we need to go past awareness into action. So being responsive A stands for being accountable and trustworthy. And this is similar to some of the other things we just talked about. But this also means recognizing when we make a mistake stake and being able to hold ourselves accountable when we're supposed to do something that we don't do. Holding ourselves accountable. And you know, that's kind of where guilt comes in sometimes, where you're, you're frustrated with yourself for something you didn't do. Hold yourself accountable, make amends, move on. And L stands for love, the unconditional kind. Loving ourselves for who we are. Recognizing that we are fallible. We're gonna make mistakes and we're gonna dislike some of our behaviors and reactions sometimes. But that doesn't mean that we dislike ourselves. We love ourselves, we dislike the behavior. So rule number two is developing that healthy relationship with yourself by meeting your visceral needs. Rule number three is chakra. And this has to do with developing friendship. Chakras with people who want the best for you. And chakra is a energy highway or meridian, if you want to think about it that way. And when we have strong friendships, it supports us, it energizes us, it helps us achieve our goals. So it Seemed like a good mnemonic. With your friends, you want to practice assertive, open communication. You want to practice and expect honesty. You want to practice and expect awareness of their feelings, their needs, your feelings, your needs, and how the two of you or more impact one another. What impact are you having on your friend? Is it positive, is it negative? What impact are they having on you and what do you need to do about it? Kindness. That kind of goes without saying. I don't need to explain it. Respect. We can differ in opinions, we can differ in ideas with our friends, but it's important to be respectful of them as human beings as wanting to be, wanting to feel loved and safe. Safe and A stands for attitude of gratitude in relationships with people. We want to surround ourselves with people who are able to be grateful. They recognize when things are not going so well, but they also recognize the things that are going well. And that can help us get a balanced perspective on life. And surrounding ourselves with those people can really help nurture abundance. Rule number four is goals. Be better today than you were yesterday with goals. GOALS stands for goals. Own your successes, appreciate your uniqueness, learn from others, and seek support and implementation. So what does that mean? Well, first, in order to be better today than I was yesterday, I have to know at what. What is my goal? What am I trying to improve? So I need to define that. O stands for own your successes. When I do do something well, when I do make progress, giving myself credit, not minimizing and not saying I should have done better or I should be further along, but owning my successes as they come and giving myself encouragement. A is for appreciate your uniqueness. Your journey is different than everyone else's. So it's important to remember that somebody else that's pursuing a similar goal may be further along. However, they may have had a different path getting there. You know, think about careers. I think about my career and I took significant time off when my children were little in order to stay home with them. So I am not as far along in my career as some of my colleagues are. And that was a choice I made because my journey was different. It doesn't mean I am not as good at my job as they are. It just means that I chose a different path that was a little bit more circuitous. L learn from others. Okay? I don't need to compare myself to my colleagues, but I can learn from them. I can examine what resources do they have that help them get to where they are? What steps did they take to help them get to where they are? Because now that you know I'm back on that path, you know, I can maybe use some of those tools in order to move forward as they have and S stands for Seek support in implementation. It's easier to define your goals, to identify what you need to do, but sometimes it's helpful. Most of the time it's helpful to have a mentor or someone who can encourage you and help you actually put the plans into practice and recognize what you need to recognize. So goals. Set your goals, own your successes, appreciate your uniqueness, learn from others and seek support in implementation. Rule number five is facts and this one's pretty straightforward. And I've talked a lot in other videos about using factual, not emotion focused research reasoning. That doesn't mean I'm saying don't feel. I'm saying when you feel if you feel anxious, Just because you feel anxious doesn't necessarily mean there's a threat. Just because you feel angry doesn't necessarily mean there's a threat. Emotion focused reasoning starts with an emotion and then tries to find a reason for that emotion. Fact based reasoning starts with the facts and says okay, this is what's going on. And then the emotions develop out of that. So factual reasoning less often leads us astray. So facts stands for facts, accuracy, context triggering, and solutions. Start with identifying what are the facts. Not what you assume, not what you think you know. Not what's probably true, but what is actually factually true. Number two, accuracy. How accurate are my facts? Do I know that they are 100% correct and valid? And you know, there are a lot of times we get information that we think is accurate that actually doesn't turn out to be so do your due diligence. Assess for accuracy of what you think are the facts in the situation. C stands for context. Consider it. A lot of times we get tunnel vision when we are stressed out about something and we don't consider all of the other factors that played into something. And it's important to really step back and go, okay, this happened. You know, let's say a car accident. Some one person blows through a stop sign and gets T boned. Okay, maybe they were texting on their phone or something, hopefully not. And they were distracted and that caused them to be T boned. But when you look at the bigger situation, the person who T boned them doesn't seem to have been paying attention either because they weren't able to be a defensive driver, they weren't able to evade the crash. So you know that's not the best example. But you kind of get my point? It's important to consider what are all the variables that played into this situation. Now, T stands for triggering, and that is past events. Sometimes an event will happen, something will happen, and it triggers feelings of anxiety or anger or stress. And you are interpreting it based on prior experiences, and your current situation is being shaded or influenced by your perceptions based on those prior experiences and, and not based in necessarily the current facts of the current situation in the current context. So it's important to recognize if you have a strong reaction to something, is it to this situation or is it to something that you haven't processed from your past? Maybe you're reacting to something that happens today with rage because it reminds you of what somebody in your past used to do. And whenever you hear that phrase or something, you just. It's like taking fingernails down a blackboard. So it's important to recognize and not hold other people hostage for other people's past mistakes. And S stands for solutions. Brainstorm solutions. Once you have the facts and you're relatively sure they're accurate, you've considered all of the factors in this particular context that played into it. You have recognized any impact the past is having. Now figure out, what are you gonna do. Rule 6 is fate. Focus on the things you can change, starting from within, instead of leaving everything up to random fate, you know, whatever. I can't change anything. Well, you can. You can't change other people's feelings, but you can change your own. And I think it's important to recognize when we feel feelings, we want to acknowledge them non judgmentally. You're angry, you feel guilty, you feel happy, you feel however you feel, that is your feeling. And we want to feel feelings that gives our life richness. What you do with those feelings is what can become helpful or pathological. So do you hang on to this anger and guilt and rage and nurture it, or do you take the energy that you get from getting upset from triggering that fight or flight response? And do you do something to improve the next moment? So feelings are legit, feelings are valid. We don't want to remove them. But when they are unpleasant, we want to figure out what we can do to improve the next moment, which takes us to actions. We can do what we can to improve the next moment, to improve our feelings, we can consider our actions. How do we behave, how do we react or proactively act in this situation? So, you know, it's usually better to act proactively instead of reactively. But either way, is there a better behavioral choice in this situation for dealing with this. Instead of yelling at somebody, maybe you could go take a walk and cool down first. So, thinking about your actions, thoughts, you can address your thoughts. Looking for cognitive distortions or unhelpful thinking patterns. You can check your thoughts against the facts. Are you assuming things not in evidence or do you know what the facts are in this situation? Are you thinking from a standpoint of being empowered or are you thinking of from the standpoint of a victim and expectations? We can change our expectations of situations and of people. And sometimes that's important because we may expect too much or even too little from people. So we can change our expectations. So what others can do and what we can do are more in line with our expectations. So there's less frustration and disappointment. So fate, you don't have to leave everything up to fate. You can adjust your feelings by improving the next moment. You can choose to take more helpful actions. You can evaluate your thoughts for whether they are empowered and proactive. And you can alter your expectations. Rule 7 Always act purposefully. And this means, you know, considering your long term versus your short term rewards. ACT stands for assess facts, consider the consequences and take actions. So in any situation you want to act purposefully, you don't want to just fritter away your energy willy nilly. If you had a leak in your house, you wouldn't just start trying. Well, let me see. Maybe I can plug this with a wrap it up in duct tape. Oh, that didn't work. Okay, let me see. Maybe I can try to do something else. Maybe I can caulk it shut. You wouldn't want to just randomly try things because that would waste a lot of time and effort and energy. So act. Assess the facts. What do you know about this situation? You hear that word facts continuing to come up? What do you know about this situation? C. Consider the short and long term consequences of of your options. This. A lot of times I refer to this as playing the tape through. If I do this, what are the short term consequences? You know, it may stop the leak for a short period of time. What are the long term consequences? Probably still going to have the problem a month from now and this patch is probably not going to hold. Or you know, in the case of addiction, short term consequences I could use right now and it might make me feel better in the moment, but in the long term, yeah, not so much. It's going to cause more heartache. So playing the tape all the way through to figure out is it better to enjoy the short term immediate consequences or to Delay gratification and experience the long term consequences. Which one in the big scheme of things is going to help you get closer to your ultimate goals? You can ask yourself, is what I'm getting ready to do or what I'm doing right now? Using my energy to help me move towards the things that are important to me. Pretty simple question is what I'm getting ready to do or what I'm doing right now? Stealing energy from those things and people that are important to me and giving them to things and people that are not important to me. And T stands for take action. Once you assess the facts, consider your options and identify. Play the tape through for each one of them. Then choose one and take action to move forward. Rule eight, Think. And again, this is another one that comes up a lot in my videos. Think before you speak. When you're going to speak, make sure what you're going to say is truthful. You know, that is important. Make sure it is helpful. When you say something, you want to say it in a way that is constructive. Make sure that it's inspirational. If you're saying something instead of being critical, saying, you never do this, right? Saying, wow, you know, I appreciate how hard that you're trying to do this. I'm wondering if we did it this way, if it might make it easier for you or, you know, how can I help you achieve your goals? So we want to be inspirational. But sometimes even if we've got something that's bouncing around in our head that's truthful, we might think it's helpful. We can say it in a way that's inspirational. It still may not be necessary. And most people really don't like to be nitpicked. So it's important to consider before you open your mouth and is this something that this person needs to know, needs to have? You know, maybe you don't like the way somebody is dressed. Okay, well, that may be truthful, maybe it's not quite appropriate. Maybe it's helpful because, you know, you want to help them be more fashionable. Maybe you can say it in a way that's inspirational, but is it necessary? You know, is it going to majorly impact their life if you don't say anything? If you do have to say something, say it as kindly as possible and helpful, inspirational and kind. All kind of go hand in hand? Rule number nine is fine. You will be fine if you learn from everyone and every experience. Experience. Now, you're probably not going to learn from everybody and every experience, but really try, you know, be curious so FINE stands for flexible, inquisitive, non judgmental, and empathetic. So be flexible. Be willing to alter your perceptions of things. When you interact with people, recognize that they probably have a slightly different perception of what's going on than you do. So be willing to hear their perception and take it in to maybe give some more dimension to your understanding of the situation. When cops go out and they interview witnesses to a crime, a lot of times people will have very different accounts, or at least somewhat different accounts of what happened based on their perceptions, based on their perceptions of the people, based on their literal viewpoint. There are a lot of things based on their prior experiences and how they interpreted what was going on. So it's important to recognize that people's perceptions are different. So we want to be flexible. I stands for inquisitive. Be inquisitive about what they know that you don't and how they're seeing things that you don't. And this can be really fun when you do it with kids because a lot of us have forgotten how to be curious and inquisitive and wide eyed and all that stuff. So spending a day with a kindergartener can be really enlightening because it awakens that inquisitive nature or it can awaken that inquisitive nature in you. Non judgmental or open minded. So recognizing that people have different experiences that shape their perceptions, being inquisitive to find out, you know, what is it that you know that I don't know. And then when you get that information, being non judgmental, being open minded and going, okay, well let me consider this, instead of immediately saying, well, that's wrong. So non judgmental. And finally empathetic, recognizing that their experience is different than yours. So their perceptions, their reactions to situations may be different. And sometimes empathy can go a long way because you are taking time to say, all right, let me put myself in their shoes. Let me try to understand why this was upsetting to them, why this made them feel threatened. You don't have to agree, but empathy goes a long way. It can help you learn how to more effectively interact with other people if you understand different perceptions of different situations. For example, you know, a lot of my family is in law enforcement, so when I see a cop, you know, it's like, great, awesome cops. There other people, when they see a cop, that's not their reaction. So being empathetic and recognizing can help me have a better understanding of why some people react differently to law enforcement than I do. And it can help inform my actions henceforth, rule number 10, create abundance by playing your cards right. My mother always used to say that it'll happen if you play your cards right. So this mnemonic is cards. Cooperation, awareness, respect, diligence and synergy. Cooperate with others. We are a lot. It's much easier to be abundant when we are using our energy to move towards our goals instead of arguing with people, competing against them. You know, use your energy for your goal, not to try to keep other people from attaining it. A stands for awareness of strengths and cost benefit. Sometimes somebody else can do something a whole lot better or a whole lot more quickly than you can. So for example, where I could probably learn how to fix a leaky faucet, I don't currently know how to do that now my husband does. So in terms of how I want to spend my time and the most efficient way to get things done, is it better for me to try to figure out how to fix the leaky faucet or have him do it? And I can do something like mow the lawn, which he normally does, because I can do that just as efficiently. So being aware of your strengths and synergizing with people to be as efficient as possible can also create abundance. R stands for respect. It's really much easier to be abundant if you've got support of other people. But that means you also have to respect other people. Respect their talents. All of us have strengths, all of us have weaknesses. All of us have talents. All of us have the opposite of talents. And it's important to be able to respect people for who they are and be aware of their talents and show them the respect they deserve. This is another thing that usually goes out the door when you start competing instead of cooperating. D stands for diligence. Whether you are doing something for somebody else or you're doing something for yourself, it's important to give 100% because that shows people that you are dedicated. If you give a hundred percent to something you're doing for somebody, that tells them that you respect them and you are going to work hard and you've got integrity and they will likely be diligent in the things that they do for you. And S stands for synergize. Taking your strengths, taking your resources, and instead of, you know, trying to piecemeal them and everybody has the same resources and things. Combining all of your resources to create abundance and more efficiently achieve your goals can be huge. 11 is shine. It's important to shine to keep a sound body and support a sound mind. So shine. I think of people's faces, how they're beaming when they're happy and healthy. Sleep is important for regulation, for clearing up, you know, breakdowns and stuff, for helping your body do what it needs to do and helping you have a clear head in the morning. Health care, go to the doctor, make sure your blood work gets done. Make sure you're monitoring and modulating anything that needs to be modulated, whether it's your blood sugar or your hormone levels or whatever. If you have a healthy body, then it can help you feel emotionally more energetic and happier. I stands for immunity. And when people are sick, they tend to not feel well. When they are not getting enough sleep, when they're not taking care of themselves, they tend to get sick easier. And when they are stressed out, a lot of times that actually hampers their immunity, which can lead to autoimmune conditions and inflammation and mood issues. So doing what you can to keep your immune system strong so you stay healthy and you reduce any unnecessary inflammation. Nutrition. Give your body the building blocks it needs and the water and fiber it needs in order to make the hormones and neurotransmitters and tissues and everything to keep your body factory running. And E stands for exercise. You don't have to go out and run a mile or run five miles, but move your body, stretch, keep yourself going. They say sleep, sleeping, sitting is the new smoking. And to a certain extent that's true. We need to move our body to keep from getting, keep our range of motion good, keep our joints lubricated and exercise, even really low intensity exercise, like strolling around the neighborhood, and can help reduce cortisol levels, which is your stress hormone. And rule number 12, practice random acts of kindness. Be gentle, like sheep. I had a hard time coming up with a mnemonic for this one, but sheep works for me. So sheep stands for share. Help, encourage expressions of love and pickup. So share with those less fortunate. In Catholicism, we talk about feeding the hungry and giving drink to the thirsty and clothing the naked. So we want to share with those who aren't as blessed as we are. H stands for help. Somebody do something. And that's a pretty big one. And that could mean unloading their groceries from the car and that could mean mowing their lawn because they've been really busy with work. You know, there are a lot, obviously ask before you just mow their lawn. But if you know that someone needs something done or they need help, then offering to help can go a long way. Encourage one another. Sometimes a kind word can go a long way. And that can be your neighbor, that can be your housemates, that can be somebody at work. But encouragement can be very uplifting to people. Expressions of love for all living creatures. So feed the birds, pet a cat, hug a friend, leave a nice note on somebody's desk. Whatever it is expressions of love can be. Or compassion, brotherly love can be very uplifting, not only for you, but for them. And P stands for pick up. Generally, our outside reflects our inside. So helping pick up keeping an organized environment can help other people in your environment feel more at ease. But also when you're out and about picking up litter, picking up trash, keeping a beautiful earth can also make it feel like a more welcoming, relaxing, nurturing place. And it keeps the little critters from getting sick or getting their head stuck in something they're not supposed to. So. But when you do random acts of kindness, it actually increases a hormone inside your body called oxytocin. So it can help you feel better. It can help you feel more connected to the world when you are engaging kindly outside of yourself. While these 12 rules do not address everything, they can certainly get you well on the way to a happier and healthier life.