Navigating Parent Teen Battles: Quickstart Guide

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on Navigating Parent Teen the Quick Start Guide. I'm your host, Dr. Naune Snipes. Let's start out with a little bit of information about teens and tweens. Now, obviously this very short video is not going to cover every issue that may present and cause conflict between parents and teens, but there are some common factors. The developmental stage is important to consider for teens and tweens because at this age, starting at about, you know, 10, 11, and up through adolescence, youth are trying to figure out who they are and they're starting to differentiate from their parents. And sometimes this can be really hard for parents to navigate the tween years. That is, right before they turn into teens. They're at the end of the day, end of the Ericksonian stage of industry versus inferiority. They are developing a sense of initiative and self efficacy. That is, they're determining whether it's okay for them to try new things, to venture out beyond that safety zone. Is it, is it okay to take initiative? That's one. And then if they take initiative, what are they good at? That's where that self efficacy or ability to do things comes from, and they're figuring this out during this stage. Children during this stage need to be given boundaries. You know, you're not going to say, hey, you're 10 years old, whatever you want to do, I'm there to support you. So if you want to drive the car, more power to you. No, that's not what you're going to do. You're going to give them age appropriate and culturally appropriate boundaries. But within those boundaries, encouraging them, empowering them to take initiative. We also want to praise them for courage when they try new things. When they do take initiative, we want to make sure that we acknowledge how scary that can be to, you know, get out of their comfort zone, to take initiative. We want to support them when they do fail, because they will. We all fail at times. We're not perfect at everything all the time. That's not realistic. And finally, when they do fail, or even when they succeed, we want to help them differentiate between person and action. Because they fail at math or at making the football team or whatever it is that they tried to do doesn't mean they're a failure. It means they did not succeed at that task, at that action. So we want to make sure that we're differentiating and making sure that they know that we love them for who they are despite their potential setbacks and failures. The same thing is true for Successes. We want to differentiate between person and success. It's great that you are valedictorian or you made the debate team or whatever it is. And I love you for who you are and I would have loved you even if you didn't make the debate team. Teenage years, you know, 13 on are marked by the Ericksonian stage of identity versus confusion. And for some people this starts at like 16, but for a lot of people lately they start high school at about 13. And you start seeing youth try to experiment with different identities, different Personas. They're trying to figure out where they fit in, what their personal values are. Adolescents need to feel safe to explore their own identity and take on more adult responsibilities like driving, staying out later, and choosing a career or a partner. And there are a lot of things that youth and, and teenagers and adolescents do for the first time that we've been doing for, you know, 20 years. So it seems like old hat to us, but it's really scary for them. And it's important during this period to be able to hear and be supportive of youth as they're trying on some of these different roles. And we'll talk about how to navigate that, especially if you don't agree with some of their choices as we get through this presentation. Common causes for misunderstanding and perception of a lack of respect. And this is at the crux of a lot of arguments and friction between parents and adolescents. Neither party feels understood or respected. One of the key factors for that is poor communication skills. And I'm not dinging people. A lot of times we are not taught really effective communication skills. We talk at people instead of talking with them. We tell them what they're supposed to think, what we want them to do instead of what with them. Where we're exchanging ideas, where we're hearing their point of view, considering that and creating a dialogue, not listening or sometimes not even hearing. American culture is really guilty of that and maybe some other cultures. And it seems like teens tend to be somewhat like this too when they are, especially when they're talking to their parents. Because. Because when their parents are talking, they're only half hearing what the parents are saying and they're already formulating their response, so practicing good effective listening skills. So not only do you hear what's said, but you understand what's said and you're clear about it. We call that paraphrasing and counseling. Mind reading, or assuming you know the answer, is another cause of conflict between parents and teens. So sometimes teens will assume they know what the parents response is going to be. So they adjust their behaviors appropriately to either manipulate or hide something or come on aggressively because they quote, no, their parents won't understand. And the same thing for for parents when they are working with their teens, sometimes they assume their teens are going to give them grief when they ask them to do something or when they set a rule or impose a consequence. It's important to encourage people to check their habits of mind reading and assuming as opposed to actually dialoguing with the person and finding out what's actually going to happen. And finally starting with an ultimatum, you need to do this or else if you instead of asking why isn't, why are you not doing this right now? What is happening? How can we work to a on a plan together to create a situation where I get what I need satisfied and you get what you need satisfied? Different cultures can also cause misunderstanding and perceptions of a lack of respect. And the biggest gap I could find was boomers versus Zoomers. People who are younger and are in that zoomer age group tend to see people who are, you know, older as not understanding and not being able to fully empathize with their point of view. And the older people feel the same way. So they feel that there is a disconnect which can be resolved not immediately, but through effective communication. If you're able to listen and paraphrase and empathize with one another, it can prevent a lot of the conflict. But it's important to understand the fundamentals of each other's culture. So obviously with boomers versus Zoomers, this can be a parent and a child or a grandparent and a grandchild that are having conflict and they're within the same family. Another time where cultures can be a problem within the same family is based on acculturation levels. And we see this some in the United States. I'm sure we see people see it in other countries where first generation people, people who just moved to the United States, may adhere and hold tightly to the cultural values from their culture of origin, whereas their children and their grandchildren may become progressively more acculturated. And the first generation people who are holding on to their culture of origin values may have difficulty and feel rejected if the younger people are acculturating to the new culture and feel like they're rejecting the primary culture. So that's a whole therapeutic issue that can be worked on. But it is important to understand the perspective of each person. Why is grandma getting so upset about what grandchild is doing? Well, is it that what grandchild is doing that bad? Or is it that what grandchild is doing feels like a rejection of their primary culture and that's what hurts. It's not that the action itself is that bad, but it feels like a rejection of what grandma holds true and dear. And finally, parental disconnect from childhood. It's been a long time for a lot of us when we become parents, since we've gone through some of the things that adolescents go through and recognizing the angst it can cause and you know, even things like if I don't go to this party this, this weekend, then I am going to be a social pariah at school. You know, we can see that from, you know, 20 years away and go, you know, probably wasn't really that big of a deal, but in the moment, to that child, it may be a huge, big deal. So we do need to practice accurate empathy and try to understand why is this so important to this child and how can we create a mutually agreeable resolution? So some journaling prompts before we go further. What conflicts have you had with authority figures and what contributed to those conflicts? Go back over some of these communication skills, cultural differences, etc. What things do other people do that cause you to feel disrespected or misunderstood? And do you do any of those things to other people? Unfortunately, the answer is probably yes. I think a lot of us engage in one or more of these behaviors, which when people do it to us, we get offended, but we may do it back sort of mindlessly. So being more mindful in your communication and being aware of, you know, how it comes off to the person you're talking to. Strategies to help navigate some of these things. Paraphrasing, which means hearing and listening without mind reading for understanding and respect. I am going to listen to everything that you say with that before I start trying to formulate my response. And then I'm going to tell you. So what I hear you saying is, and you can use a different lead in make sure that I heard what you said accurately and then go from there. That is one of the foundational skills to effective communication. And children, you know, knee high to a grasshopper, can paraphrase just as adults can. You know, a five year old can, can tell you, you know, what did you, what did you just hear mommy say? And the five year old can say, this is what I heard you say. That is basic paraphrasing and that is the foundation of effective communication to make sure that not only do you hear the words, but you hear the intent of what was said. Speak using Objective I statements, not subjective but objective. So the person knows exactly what you're talking about. I feel disrespected when you assume you know what I'm going to say and you finish my sentence. Okay, so that is something that's very objective. The person can say, oh, okay, I know what you're talking about. There something that's not objective would be I feel disrespected when you're rude to me. Well, what does rude mean to you? So objective gives people an example of what's going on or I think blah because I think I should be able to stay out until midnight even on school nights because fill in the blank. Not saying that it's going to happen but using I statements and prevents the other person from being as feeling like they're on guard. From the parent's point of view. The parent may say something like I think on a school night it's important for you to be in by 10pm because it's important for your health and well being to get at least seven hours of sleep before you go to school the next morning. However, and we'll get to creating win wins in a minute. But following it up with however, on the weekends, maybe we can talk about increasing your curfew until midnight. Validation of each other's perspective without agreement necessarily. You have two people talking. One wants their curfew extended, the other one says not on school night. Neither one agrees with the other person's perspective. But validating. I hear what you're saying. I hear that you're concerned that I won't do as well in school if I stay out this late. And and the parent saying, I hear that you think that you are old enough and able to handle staying out that late. Validating each other's perspectives and then from there creating win wins. How can you create a compromise that works? You know, maybe increasing curfew for a month and seeing what happens to the youth's grades in school or what have you. But thinking of ways that you can arrive at a mutually agreeable compromise. Remember to love the person if not the behavior. I know there are lots of times that my children really did not like what I said or what I did. But I always knew that they loved me. And the same thing for me. There were times that I really disliked some of the things that they did, but I always loved them to the moon and back. So differentiating between the person and the behavior, examining the threat that's creating the conflict. Conflict is what happens when people feel threatened, when they feel anxious or angry. So the question is, why do you feel threatened? What is the threat? What is your concern in this situation that's creating this anxiety in you? So to the parent asking them, what are your concerns about this situation? And based on those concerns, what are the facts that support your concerns and the facts that support that there's no issue? What aspects of this situation are within your control? And what is the probability that the worst case scenario that your concerns are going to come to fruition? If you do what's within your control, if you create a win win, if you create a compromise in this situation to the child, same thing. What are your concerns? What is it that you're anxious about that says I've got to fight for this? Are you concerned about losing your, your freedoms, your independence? Are you concerned about losing your status at school if you don't do something? What is prompting this energy that is directed at this current conflict and what is your rationale for your solutions? And then finally create compromise. Once you understand each person's points of view and their concerns, then figuring out, okay, how can we reach a mutually agreeable compromise? How can we mediate this and find something that will satisfy both sides? More in depth videos can be found at Child Development 101 teenagers and that is located at allceus.com teens or positive parenting@allceus.com positive parenting.