Overcoming Codependency Week 4: Supporting Recovery Journey

Hey there everybody. And welcome back to this series on recovery from codependency. Today we're talking about six tools for supporting someone who's recovering from codependency. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. The first thing that's important is to know the problem. Codependency develops usually as the result of trauma and often as the result of a fear of abandonment and a sense of guilt. The person with codependency likely watched a loved one struggle for months or years, engaging in self destructive behaviors or seeming to refuse to get help for their suffering. The person with codependency was like, why aren't you going to counseling? Why aren't you going to treatment? Why do you keep doing this? They don't understand why the person might not be willing or able to seek help for what's going on. It is important to remember that these behaviors, codependent behaviors, may develop as a result of living with or being close to someone who has an addiction, who has a mental illness that they're suffering from, or seeming to refuse to get help from, or they're in destructive relationships that they seem to be unwilling to leave. And this can be another person with codependency. So a codependent may be trying to rescue another codependent. The next thing that's important, once you really understand that this, these behaviors were developed to help the person stay safe and survive until now, the next step is to get curious. Behavior is always communication. And behaviors, as I said, were often developed to help the person survive. So discuss with your partner the situations that led them to develop these particular symptoms or behaviors that are problematic in your relationship and talk about it in terms of what happened to them that caused them to develop these behaviors. For example, when I drink, you seem to get angry. You seem to expect that I'm going to get violent, whatever it is, when I drink, you seem to fill in the blank. I wonder what happened that caused that fear. Or can you tell me a little bit about how you developed that fear? Another example, when I get angry, even if it's not at you, it seems to trigger a panic response or it seems to trigger something else. I wonder what happened in your past that made you believe that anger is always unsafe. Another example, it seems like you're triggered whenever you don't know exactly where I am. I wonder how this developed. I wonder why not knowing where I am causes you to feel unsafe. When did that happen in the past? Or a final example, it seems like you're never able to relax and you're always on alert. I wonder what happened in the past when you let your guard down or trusted someone, someone. So when you're getting curious, when you're talking with your partner, you're not saying these behaviors are unreasonable. You're saying these behaviors are probably very reasonable based on your past. So let help me understand how they developed and then we can talk about future. See yourself. In what ways do you or your behaviors resembles someone in the past that caused the development of these behaviors? So, for example, when you raise your voice, in what ways does that resemble the way your partner's father used to raise their voice before they got violent? Recognizing that you may not have any intention of being violent, but it triggers that memory. So look at yourself and say, what behaviors? What things am I doing? Saying whatever that might be triggering past trauma. If you do get angry, for example, or you do drink, for example, and that triggers your partner, it's also important to check yourself. Do you have a problem? You may not. It may just be triggering memories from the past and unsafe people in the past, or you may. And so again, it's triggering those memories, but they are accurate in the present context. Explore alternatives. So you've acknowledged how you might be triggering things you've explored or gotten curious about how those behaviors developed for that person and how they help them stay safe. Now it's time to talk about exploring alternatives in the present, saying something like, I recognize so and so's choices in the past have caused you an incredible amount of pain and stress, and some of these behaviors may have developed out of an effort to try and protect yourself or try and protect your mother or your siblings. Okay, I recognize this. I really want to earn your trust and help you feel safe, and I need to also feel safe and be able to trust you. It's important to recognize that when a person with codependency begins fearing abandonment, they may hear you saying this and hear you saying, if you don't change, I'm out the door. So it's really important to be very compassionate when you're having this discussion and say, I really want to earn your trust and help you feel safe. I'm not going anywhere. I really want to make this work and I need to feel safe too. Build self esteem is the next thing. The person with codependency was often loved conditionally and inconsistently had their needs met. So they were loved for what they did and their needs really were sort of irrelevant. They may get fed, they may not. They may get love, they may not. Building self Esteem in that person means acknowledging them. Use their love languages. Acknowledge them as worthy human beings, and make sure that they recognize that they are lovable. Even when they screw up, they're lovable. Discuss with them how you can help them feel loved, appreciated, and needed. You're giving them the power. You're saying, help me understand what I can do. I want to help. I'm not going to tell you how to feel. I'm not going to assume I know what you need, because that's not empowering. I'm going to ask you, what is it that I can do if they cross a boundary like starting to be controlling with you? All right, it happens. Remind them that recovery is a process and they're doing great. So call them on the behavior. Acknowledge that, you know, see, I feel like that behavior was really controlling, and I recognize that it came from a place of fear. Let's talk about that. And you know, you're doing great. You've made huge strides. And let's address this issue here. So explore why that issue might have happened if the person got controlling. Explore why it might have happened. But both of your parts, what did you do that triggered their fear, that triggered their anxiety, and what did they do? So what was their part? And their part was responding by being controlling and not trusting you or talking to you about the situation, for example, and then discuss what needs to happen differently next time instead of going into attack mode where you're trying to tell me what I need to do and control what's going on, we need to sit down and talk about the situation and your feelings so you can feel safer and empowered, for example, and then express appreciation for their willing to talk, willingness to talk about it. Talking about things with anybody is very threatening to a lot of people. It makes you feel vulnerable. And the person with codependency often has a whole lot of abandonment and rejection fears. So talking about something if there's even the slightest chance that they may experience criticism or rejection can feel terrifying. So expressing your appreciation for their willingness to talk about it is also important because you're sort of rewarding that behavior and give them what they crave, and we've talked about crave before as the mnemonic for secure attachments consistently be there. Now, that doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip, but be present when you're with them, be present when they need you. Be available. You don't necessarily have to drop everything and run to do what they need, but be available and say, let's talk about this tonight or help them figure out a different way to resolve it. If you can't get yourself free. For example, be responsive to their thoughts, feelings and needs. When you notice that they are happy, ask them about it. When you notice they seem to be feeling anxious or irritable or restless, note it and it seems like you're feeling restless. You want to talk about what's going on. So be responsive to those thoughts, feelings and needs. This is going to help them start becoming more self aware so then they can take the next step to start being able to identify and respond to their own thoughts, feelings and needs. Pay attention to them. Provide them attention by using their love languages. Love languages are really important because that's how a person feels heard and understood and appreciated. Validate their distress. If they are anxious, angry, stressed out, whatever they're feeling, okay? Or even if they're happy, validate their feelings. Validate their thoughts. I hear this is what you're thinking or I can see you're feeling very anxious right now. You're not saying it's good, you're not saying it's bad, you're not saying it's right, you're not saying it's wrong. You're just saying I acknowledge that this is how you're feeling and then encourage them through regular check ins. This may be daily check ins. How do you feel? Do you feel secure? Do you feel anxious? It may be weekly, I don't know, it depends on the person. But making sure that they learn it's not going to happen overnight. They learn they can trust you to be consistent to respond and help them when they need help to give them attention. Just because they are a good person and to respect their boundaries is going to be really important. It can be helpful to discuss with the person how was. How were each of these things absent in your prior destructive relationships? So in those prior relationships, how were people inconsistent? How were people unresponsive to you? How were people critical or unencouraging? And what can I, the healthy, supportive person, do differently? How is it that you want me to express to you or show you that I am consistently there? And you may have to compromise a little bit, but this opens a dialogue so the person can start saying if you do this, then it'll help me feel safer. Recovery doesn't just happen overnight. Just like someone who has a chronic health condition, there is a process. Remember that they may not be reacting to you, but to pain from their past. And it's important to get to know what triggers that pain and help them prevent it or learn how to cope with it.