Overcoming Goal Setting Blues: Why It Makes You Depressed and Anxious

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's presentation on why does goal setting make me depressed and anxious. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Now, when we set goals, we often think that that should make us excited because we're getting ready to do something. I mean, after all, goals are statements about things that you want or sometimes need to do. And I can understand not getting excited about that or changes you want to make and that's exciting, or again, you need to make. And maybe those aren't so exciting, but they're still goals. And it's important to realize that whether you're doing something you want to do, like starting college for, for a new career or something else, whatever you're doing is a change in your life. And we go back to that principle of change causes crisis, and crisis causes change. Change is hard. Change requires you get out of autopilot, turn off that default mode, and engage that executive control network. Change in your life means redistributing how you spend a lot of your energy and your time, probably. So it is important to give credit where credit is due and recognize, yes, I may be looking forward to this stuff over here, but maybe not so much to giving up this stuff. But there are several reasons why goal setting may cause anxiety and depression. So let's look at some more of those. Remember, depression is a emotional label we give when we feel hopeless and helpless or sometimes apathetic. It's just like, I don't care whatever, can't do it. Anxiety is a response when we think there might be a threat. Now remember, feelings are not facts. Just because we feel hopeless and helpless doesn't mean we are hopeless and helpless. Just because we feel anxious doesn't mean that there is a threat. Means there might be. And it's important that we validate our feelings or check our feelings against the facts in the current context. So why do goals trigger distress? Let's talk about fear of failure. This is the one that most people think of when they set a goal and then they start to get anxious and depressed, they start thinking, well, all of the times that I've tried to set goals before, I haven't been successful. So why should I think this time's going to be any different? So you see that helplessness and that apathy. Or they may think, if I set a goal and I don't achieve it, if I fail, that means that I'm a failure as a person. That means people are going to think bad of me. So it's important to look at those thoughts Evaluate those thoughts based on the actual facts. When we think about fear of failure, it often involves cognitive distortions. So personalization is the first one. If I fail at this, then people are going to think I am a failure. Okay, so let's unhook from that. If I fail at this, I'm failing at this. I'm not failing as a person. So it's important to unhook from that and say, I'm having the thought that, or I'm having the feeling that if I fail at this task, I'm going to be a failure as a person. And then you can look at that. Now that you've got that thought out here or written down on paper, ideally look at it and go, is there any merit to this or am I personalizing something? And then think about, you know, how many people do you know that have tried to do something and oh my gosh, failed to achieve their goals? Do you think less of them as human beings or do you see, you know, well, looks like that's a goal that you didn't accomplish yet. All or nothing. Thinking is another cognitive distortion that causes fear of failure. If you think, the only way I can succeed at this goal is if I do it perfectly well, that just thinking about that makes me anxious. Because we know that perfection may not even be a reality. Most things can continually be improved. So it's important to look at what is an acceptable accomplishment of this goal, what is an acceptable end point. And instead of thinking all or nothing, think what's part way. And this can help when you start breaking down goals. And we'll get there in a few minutes. But for example, if you want to start training for a marathon, and instead of thinking, I need to be able to run 20 some odd miles by in six months, okay, that in and of itself may not even be reasonable. But let's just stay with that, okay? That's all or nothing. I either can do it or I can't. And if I can't run 20 some odd miles in six months, then I'm a failure. All right, well, that's personalization and that's also not considering the problem. Progress. And in recovery circles, we talk about progress, not perfection. So instead of thinking, I either do it all the way or I don't do it all, think it. Think about it as steps in the process, getting from where you are now to being able to run a mile or five miles and then 10 miles and then, you know, however your progression goes. But giving yourself credit for, for the incremental progress for the steps toward your ultimate goal. That way it doesn't feel so overwhelming From a behavioral standpoint. A lot of times we set goals that are pretty large. And when we don't receive reinforcement, when we don't receive rewards soon enough, we experience something called behavior strain, which basically means we lose motivation. And in order to prevent that, one of the tools we do, or one of the things we do is break big goals down into smaller goals with more frequent rewards and reinforcement. Catastrophizing is another cognitive distortion that contributes to fear of failure. Thinking, if I do this and I fail, then everybody's going to hate me, then I'm going to lose my job, then I'm going to get kicked out of school, whatever it is. I mean, really thinking about if I fail at this, then the worst outcome is going to happen. Okay, I can't say that it won't. Anything is possible. But it's important to look at the probability. What is the probability? That if you fail at something, that your worst fear is going to actually come true. And then as I mentioned earlier, emotional reasoning is using feelings to validate what's going on to support your fear. So using fear feelings to support fear feelings, well, that doesn't make a lot of sense. You want to look at the facts in context and say, what are the facts for and against my fear? And you may have a well founded fear, I don't know. But most of the time when we're talking about goal setting, the majority of your fears are probably not supported in context. And the ones that are, you can address. For example, maybe you need support, maybe you fear not having the skills to do it and failing because of that. Okay, so find a mentor. Another reason goals trigger distress is a reminder of past failures. You have probably set goals before I have. Most people have and failed to achieve them, whether they're New Year's resolutions or life goals or whatever. So it's important when you start thinking to yourself, well, quote, every time I've set a goal in the past, I failed. Well, that's all or nothing thinking. So. So let's look for some exceptions. But even if there are no exceptions, all right, let's just take the catastrophic option. Even if there are no exceptions, look at those past failures and really evaluate. How is this situation similar to those? Well, you're setting a goal, how else is it similar to those? And how is this situation different from that situation? Maybe back then you were younger, you had fewer skills, you were in school, you didn't have the same level of resources. The world was different. You know, I remember when I was in graduate school thinking about how wonderful it would be to be able to do online counseling and etherapy. And this tells you how long ago I graduated. But that wasn't a thing back then. And even having websites was just becoming sort of a thing back then. So the whole technology for video conferencing, it wasn't really there. This was even pre Skype days. That's how long ago it was. So back then, my hope to do that and really make it work, it just wasn't in the cards. It wasn't because of me. It's because the technology and the acceptance of the technology wasn't there yet. These days everybody's doing it. So there are things to take a look at. What's similar and different about the situation. When you failed before and now? And what can you learn from prior failures that can help you now? Maybe you got distracted, maybe you set goals that were too big. Maybe you didn't have enough support. Maybe you set a goal that somebody else told you that you should do but you weren't really motivated for. I don't know. But examining the reasons why you did not succeed is going to be really important to learn from so you can prevent any obstacles this time around. You can learn more about goal setting and relationships and all kinds of stuff. @doc snipes.com I offer self guided training and worksheets as well as concierge, relationship and recovery coaching. You can also help us support the channel through donating any amount@docsnipes.com donate or at cash appocsnipes other reasons goals trigger Distress now remember helpless and hopeless or feelings of a threat. And it's important to recognize that both of those can coexist. If I fear that I'm going to fail, if I fear that I'm going going to be rejected, then I may feel hopeless to actually make a change. I said earlier, setting goals that are too big is a huge problem for a lot of people. So it's important to set goals that are smart. And yes, I know I stuttered. Typically we say smart goals, but I add an extra S to it. Small, specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time limited. Small because that's where your rewards need to be. You need to have rewards frequently. Now if you're an adult, you may be able to put off your rewards to once a week, but much more than that, you're going to start experiencing some behavior strain. Think about your paychecks. Most of Us get paid every two weeks. And by the time you get to that two weeks, you're really kind of jonesing for that check. But they most places know that people need that reward, that reinforcement periodically in order to keep up their motivation. They've done studies and found that organizations that pay on a monthly basis tend to have lower morale. People just by the time they get to the end of the month, they're kind of dragging their feet going, why am I doing this? Making sure that your goals are specific. I want to run a marathon in six months or a year. That's pretty specific. I want to get in better shape. How am I going to know when I'm in better shape? How am I going to know when I've reached that finish line or accomplish that goal? So you need to make it specific so you can answer the question, did I accomplish this? Yes or no. It needs to be measurable. Again, if it's measurable, then you can say I did or I didn't do it. Achievable. As I said earlier, setting a goal to run a marathon in six months may not be an achievable goal for you. It may be for some people. I've seen worksheets on it, but I think it's important to recognize what's achievable for you based on everything in your life. If you had all the time in the world and you could devote every ounce of energy to training for this marathon for the next six months, maybe it would be achievable. But if you've got work and four kids and a house and PTA meetings and other things, then putting in the time required to train for something that big in that short amount of time, probably not achievable. So you need to look at the big picture, not just, is this a goal I can accomplish? Well, yeah, maybe if all the stars were aligned. But in reality, given your the totality of your life, and when you start setting goals that are too big and you start setting goals not considering everything else in your life, then when you start to try to implement those goals, that's when you start feeling overwhelmed and depressed and anxious. It's like, oh my gosh, I can't do this. I. I need to sleep. I need three more days in the week. Relevant is always important. If you're doing something that is not relevant, then it's going to be hard to get motivated. It's going to be hard to feel happy about it. So while you may not feel anxious about it, you may not feel motivated or Empowered to achieve it. For example, for a lot of people when they go through their undergraduate program, there are certain classes that they're forced to take that they don't see any point in and they have no interest in. And it's just they take these, sign up for these classes because they have to. And it's like miserable trying to get to class every single day and force themselves to study in order to increase motivation and feel less distress about that. Recognizing, well, I've got to take these three courses in this subject area in order to graduate. I may not like them, but this is one of those things. Part of the things that I have to do that I don't like to, to get me to where I want to be. And focusing on the prize can help us be a little bit more motivated. Also focusing on the time limited nature of it. It's only one semester. Examples that for goals that are too big or goals that are not specific enough. I'll get a new job. Okay, how you going to do it? When you're going to do it? What are you going to do about it? I will apply for three jobs each day that is very specific, very measurable, very small. So you can look at the end of each day and go, yes, I did it, or yeah, nope, didn't do it. I will be less anxious. That's too vague. That's too amorphous, if you will. Instead saying, I will reduce the frequency, intensity or duration you choose of my anxiety by 10% each week. And so you can evaluate at the end of the week and go, was I successful? If I wasn't, then you can decide what steps to take next instead of continuing to beat your head against the wall and say, well, I'll do it again next week. And at the end of next week, you still haven't reduced your symptoms. When you set the smaller goals, you're checking in with yourself and you can know, you can notice when there's not progress. And then you can adapt your plan instead of continuing to do the same thing and expect different results. We all know what happens with that. Setting too many goals or too much to do. My old boss used to call this podas and it was actually a acronym that we could all recognize. And that meant performing other duties as assigned. Well, it's great, but if you're in one of those jobs where you regularly get podus, then you know that just piling on extra stuff doesn't give you any more time. So then things that are important start losing time. And then you start feeling Stressed and pulled in six different directions, not knowing what you need to do first, and it starts getting really overwhelming. All right, be realistic when you're setting your own goals. I can't tell you what to do at work, but when you're setting your own goals, list the things that take your time. List the things that you think you have to do. A lot of times as we go through this, you find out there's not that much that you actually have to do, but list it. Eliminate the things you can so you can free up some time and energy for this new goal. Delegate some things on your list that you can so you can free up some time to focus on this new goal. For example, if you're going back to school, you may need somebody to help cook meals or watch the kids while you go to class. Okay, that's fine. Nothing wrong with asking for help. And in fact, it actually strengthens relationships when people are able to help. But that's a whole different video. Simplify, don't make things into a huge production. If you need to make dinner, make a casserole, make a frozen dinner. Yes, it's not the healthiest thing. You don't want to do it all the time, every day. But in a pinch when you need to save some time, you can. There are a lot of ways to simplify the things that we do in life in and, and save ourselves a little bit of time, energy, stress, and then what's left? Prioritize, prioritize and figure out, okay, I've eliminated as much as I can. I have delegated, simplified, done as much as I can here. Now let me chart out my time and make sure that I can fit this new goal in. And if I can't, then I need to adjust. I need to give myself more time to accomplish it. I know I have that problem a lot. I set a bunch of goals, I have a lot of things I want to do. And I start looking at my, my Google calendar and I'm just like, there's no way. I'm overwhelmed just looking at my calendar. There's no way I'm going to get all that done. And that's my brain saying, you over committed. You need time to like eat, sleep and breathe back up. A lot of times we want to do things and have them done yesterday. So it's important to step back and take a look at it and be realistic about what you can comfortably accomplish. If you set too many goals, you're setting yourself up for failure because something's got to give. If there's no definite endpoint. It can trigger anxiety and distress because you can never say, yes, I accomplished that. You're like, well, yeah, I'm almost there. I'm almost there. Think about if you were ever a kid in the back of the car with your parents going on a road trip, and you're like, are we there yet? And your parents were like, we're almost there. Ten minutes later, are we there yet? We're almost there. And you started getting frustrated, you started feeling anxious, you. You started feeling restless and like, oh, this is miserable. All right. Same thing with goals. If you don't know where that end point is, if you keep telling yourself, I'm almost there, there's never a reward. There's never a, finally, I made it. I don't have to do this anymore. Another issue can be lack of motivation for the goal or what it takes to get there. And I talked about this some earlier. It's important to reflect. How does the goal help you move toward your rich and meaningful life? There are some days that I just don't want to go to the gym and. But one of my goals is to be healthy enough to live long enough to meet my grandchildren, and my children aren't even, you know, pregnant yet. So it's important to know that I've got several years probably before I get there. And in order to achieve that goal, that means I've got to do what I need to do to stay healthy, which means, you know, avoiding alcohol, it means exercising, getting good sleep, all that stuff that we know. So even though it's something, I set this goal and I start feeling depressed about it. I'm like, oh, I go to the gym every day, and it doesn't seem to do anything. You know, I'm just checking a box. Did I do my cardiovascular for the day? Yes, I did. So I need to step back and look and say, what am I accomplishing by doing that? How is what. What it takes to get there necessary to achieve your goal? So whatever you're doing, making sure that it's helping you work towards your ultimate goals. That way you don't feel like you're wasting energy. You're thinking, I'd ra rather be doing all this over here, but I've got to do this. I feel depressed because I want to be. Go. Going out hiking and doing all these other things, but I've got to do homework. Okay, well, let's. Let's look at that. How is homework, even though that's not one of your goals, passing your class and Graduating from college so you can do this, whatever it is, for a career, that is your goal. So then thinking about that, thinking about how rewarding that's going to be when you finally get through tricking yourself, making things more rewarding, even things you don't like, but really recognizing and accepting the fact that, yeah, I'd rather be doing that, and this is kind of a drag. And as soon as I finish doing this, I can do that or planning ahead. So, you know, well, I'll get this done now, so next weekend I can go hiking. Distress is an emotional response to feeling hopeless, helpless, exhausted, or vulnerable. Explore what those feelings mean for you and take steps to help yourself feel safer and more empowered. When you set goals, remember, make those goals small. You can have a big goal, but then break it down, chunk it so you are accomplishing at least part of that goal at least once a week. And you can say, I did that even in college, even going to school, saying, did I go to all my classes this week? Cool. Did that. Did I get all my assignments done for this week? Cool. Did that. Okay, I accomplished that goal. And I don't know about you, but I was not the best student. So actually doing both of those things every week was not a guaranteed. And so accomplishing that, I could look back and go and have pride in myself, be proud of myself for doing the right thing and following through on what I needed to do. And then if for some reason, for example, I didn't get the grade on a test that I really wanted, I could look back and go, I did everything that I could in order to succeed in this class. And I didn't get an A. I got a C, for example. But remember we talked at the beginning, the first slide, about not all or nothing, thinking. So looking at that and going, I did my best. I got a C. A C is still passing. I'll take it. I'm not going to love it, but I'll take it. Everybody have a great day and I'll see you next time.