Parenting Challenges: Complaining, Procrastinating & Disobedience

Foreign. Hey there, everybody. I'd like to welcome you today, present today's presentation on addressing parenting challenges, complaining, procrastination, and disobedience. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Now, my children are older. Now they are, you know, in their 20s, but I remember those days when they were little and even when they were older. And I. I swear I could hear them rolling their eyes sometimes and really examining why that's happening and what can we do to address it. We want to learn to view behavior as communication. And this applies, as I was saying before class, to children, but also to ourselves, to our clients, to our supervisors or our subordinates at work. It applies to humans, and there's a lot of this that can be generalized. We want to explore the meaning of behaviors. Complaining, procrastination, and disobedience. While I'm continuing to talk, think about times that you have complained, procrastinated, or disobeyed and. And we'll talk about what was going on and identify ways to address those behaviors and increase desired behaviors. In motivational interviewing, we recognize that all behavior that occurs is rewarded in some way if it continues to occur. So we need to figure out why is this behavior occurring? What's the goal, and if it continues to occur, if this child is regularly complaining, what is reinforcing that behavior? And what can we do differently to make it less rewarding, less reinforcing to engage in that behavior? Many, if not most, of our behavior is often done on autopilot. When you think about it, I think you can say, yeah, that's true. If you blurt out something, if you roll your eyes, if you suddenly start whining about something, a lot of times you didn't think, well, you know, maybe if I whined about this, I'd get my way. It's just automatic reaction. We're on autopilot. One of the things we need to do is increase mindfulness. But behavior communicates a lot about our status in general. Are we tired? Are we depressed? Are we exhausted? Are we sick, in pain? You know, the list goes on. Think about babies. Babies can't communicate with their words. So why do they cry? They have five different cries. They're hungry, they're tired, they're cold, they're wet, or they're scared. And caregivers learn to identify those different cries in children. And sometimes there's an angry cry when those. Whatever the underlying need is not being met. A lot of times that cry may escalate into an angry cry. It's like Something somebody paid attention to me. Another behavior that babies engage in is averting their gaze or yawning. Both of these, they found is occurs when the child is feeling over stimulated or threatened in some way. If you go up and you're getting in a child's face and you're talking baby talk and they're looking away or they're starting to yawn and look away, that child's saying it. Too much input. Way too much input. Back off, lady. And recognizing that as what's going on is important in order to respond in a way that is going to help the child feel safe. Remember, Erickson's first stage is trust versus mistrust. And when an infant can't communicate with words, they communicate with behaviors. What behaviors do you engage in more? When you're anxious, when you're angry, when you're overwhelmed or burned out, or when you're depressed? And we tend to engage in similar behaviors across some of them and some of them are very unique. If I'm feeling anxious, I may reach out for support. If I'm feeling angry, I may push people away because. Because it's just I can't take one more human being right now. If I'm feeling overwhelmed or burned out, I may withdraw, I may procrastinate. There are a lot of things I can do. But ultimately, recognizing our behaviors as a very loud form of communicating. I'm doing this. What does that mean? What were you feeling? And again, think about it. If you want to go back and watch this presentation later and pause it, this is also a good group activity. But what were you feeling during times when you were just motivated to volunteer to help out? My guess is you weren't feeling overwhelmed and depressed and exhausted and angry. Well, maybe angry. Maybe you wanted to do something because you saw other people weren't doing it. I don't know. But when you are motivated to help out, what does that communicate about your status? Did what needed to be done? What? What were you feeling when you did what needed to be done? Without a second thought, you took the trash out, you mopped the floor. I know when I'm starting to get burned out, I'll be sitting on the couch and I'll see hair on the floor. And it bugs me. And I'm like, yeah, as soon as I swiffer, there's going to be more hair on the floor. Just whatever. That's my brain saying, I'm exhausted, I'm burned out and I don't have the energy to Swiffer three times today when you complained about someone. What were you feeling? And I have someone and something diff separated because they can be a little bit different. If I'm complaining about someone, I may feel threatened by them, and some way I may feel like they're disrespecting me in some way or when. If you complain about having to do something. When I was in graduate school, I was in a very small cohort in my doctoral program, and I very distinctly remember one class that we were supposed to write an article for publication. And okay, fine, you know, that's on the syllabus. It's what we're supposed to do. I'm going to do it. But a couple of people in my cohort decided that that was too much work. And they complained and they whined and they belly ached and they pitched a fit until the teacher said, you know what? You don't have to do that. And to this day, which is, you know, 25 years later, I'm still like, how did she let them get away with that? But we ultimately didn't have to do it. So that behavior was rewarded. And which means that next time the person doesn't want to do something, they figure if they complain enough, they may get their own way. What were you feeling when you. At a time when you procrastinated and. And I told you, sometimes when I feel overwhelmed or exhausted, I procrastinate. Especially things that don't need to be done, like right now, I may procrastinate. And what were you feeling when you disobeyed? And disobeying, you can even disobey yourself. You can say, I'm going to go to the gym today. And it gets time to go to the gym, and you say, nope, I'm going to sit on the couch and watch Netflix today you're disobeying yourself, but also when you disobey others, if somebody says, you need to do this. When I worked in residential, I had therapists, great therapists, wonderful therapists who knew good and well that they needed to have their documentation done by, preferably end of day, but definitely by end of week. And they wouldn't do it. And I would have to go back and point that out to them and micromanage them. I learned, you know, long, long, hard way, that I should have instituted consequences because when they disobeyed and I just nagged at them, they would finally give in because they got tired of my nagging. But then it ended up being sort of a frustrating, adversarial relationship because I knew they weren't going to get their notes done until I nagged at them. Them consequences would have been better. And examining why they were not getting it done would have been another step that I could have taken to be a more effective supervisor. Our children are the same way when they disobey us. There's a reason for it, and we're going to talk about all that at length. But I'm just trying to get you into the mindset that procrastination, disobedience and complaining are often communicating something that the person or the child is unaware of or unable to communicate with their words yet. And we need to help them dig down and find their words. In terms of behavior and development, your developmental stages, your infants and your toddlers are developing trust and mistrust. Can I trust my caregiver to be consistent, attentive, responsive, encouraging and safe? It. Are they going to be there for me? Autonomy toddlers, they're learning to dress themselves and potty and can the ch. Does the child feel like they are supported in trying to do things on their own? Or do they get punished? Do they feel overwhelmed at trying to do something because of fear of rejection or fear of failure or fear of punishment? Initiative in preschool. Can I start things? Can I ask somebody to play a game? Can I start this art project and do a good job at it? Industry, what am I good at? And independence. Who am I? And it really parallels a lot of our school stages, so to speak. Think about how complaining, procrastination and disobedience may occur as part of each developmental stage. For the toddler, we know that is the time we call it the terrible twos and the worst threes or something like that. But the child is starting to say no. The child is asking a lot of questions and it may feel like they're procrastinating. Why do I have to do this? Why do you want me to do this? Why do I have to do this this way? Oh my gosh, just please do it. Is what go through your head. But the child is just trying to understand their world. And sometimes they may not understand the purpose for something. So they may procrastinate doing it. They may disobey because they don't understand what you wanted them to do or they're testing boundaries. My son, when he was about two, we went to my grandmother's house and Sean knew he was not supposed to touch the television, but we got to my grandmother's house and it was a new place, new people, lots of activity, and he wasn't sure, you know, did the same rules apply? So he walks over to the television. I'm sitting there. He walks over to the television, looks directly at me and points to the tv and he goes, no touch. And I said, that's right, no touch. Thinks for a second, touches the tv, looks back at me. He says, timeout. I said, yep, timeout. He toddled his little self into the hallway and sat against the wall. He knew what the rules were, but he wanted to make sure. He's like, this is feeling really weird to me, and there's not the same structure, and I need to know that the same rules apply, that we have the same guardrails. So he tried and he intentionally disobeyed. And, you know, it was kind of funny when he did it, but of course I didn't laugh. But understanding, looking at it, going, why in the world did he do that? And it wasn't, you know, he wasn't trying to make me mad. He was just testing. Do the same rules apply in initiative? Children can complain. Well, why do they complain? What's the benefit if I complain? Sometimes I get my own way, and I need to figure out who this works with. So I'll try different people and see who I can manipulate with complaining. In late middle school and high school, the child is or young person is trying to determine who they are and what they stand for. So they may test boundaries, they may push back, they may try things that we tell them not to do because they need to learn on their own. And it's can make us angry, it can make us feel disrespected. However, recognizing what they're doing and the benefits to doing it. Why did you do this? What was the benefit to you trying to do this when I already told you it was a bad idea? And recognizing that developmentally, they have to try, they have to explore new areas. So let's talk about complaining. What does it look like? Verbal complaining, I don't want to do it. Which usually is accompanied by whining, I don't want to do it. Like fingernails down a blackboard. Grunting, sighing while they're doing it, stomping around while they do it, slamming doors in the process of doing it, or, you know, whatever, and eye rolling. This is all complaining. When a child rolls their eyes, it's like, oh, I can't believe I've really got to do this. It also may look like bargaining, I don't want to do this. So what if I only do this? Or this is really too hard. So what if I do this. Instead, they are trying to get away from having to do something that they don't want to do for some reason, and examining why. What is it that you are trying to get out of this behavior? Looking back to when has it been been reinforced in the past, if they know that if they complain long enough you'll give in, then they're going to do that. Control is one of the purposes of complaining. I want to see if I can control this situation. I don't want to do this, so I'm going to try to get my own way. That's a natural thing that a lot of people do. Extinction burst. And that is when you do a behavior more and more intensely, hoping that you're going to eventually win. Think about the child in the grocery store in the candy aisle, and they say, I want candy. And the care caregiver says, no, we're going home to eat dinner. You don't need candy. And the child gets a little louder, I want candy. And the caregiver says, no, not going to happen. And the child starts to ramp up even more, maybe even throwing a tantrum on the. In the buggy or on the floor. And the caregiver's like, yeah, don't know this child. No, the caregiver, if they give in at that point because they're embarrassed and they want it to stop, then the child knows, oh, if I make a big enough scene, I can get my own way. If the caregiver responds like we did with my son and says, all right, well, you're not getting the candy and we will go home right now. Or if his father was with me, they would go outside and sit against the wall. And this was in Florida, where it's always hot. And my son hated to be hot. So that really quickly curbed his behavior. But he had to learn what I will tolerate up to what level can he push it in his complaining before I say, nope, we're done with this? He also had to learn that complaining was not going to be the right way to achieve his goals. Sometimes they complain to test boundaries. You know, if I complain, are you going to give in? And children, believe it or not, and I think a lot of you recognize this, children actually crave boundaries. They crave guardrails. They don't want to be micromanaged, but they like to know that caregiver is there to say, no, that's too far. We're not. We're not going. We're not going that far. So they may test boundaries and see if you're going to pull them back into the lane. If you're going to put up that, that guardrail and say, nope, we're not going any further there. Sometimes people complain. Children complain because they feel something's unjust. You always let Susie do this, and you never let me do this. You hear those cognitive distortions. Remember, children think in all or nothing terms, and we have to help them, even if developmentally they're not there yet. We have to help them learn to identify the exceptions, for example. But if they feel something's unjust, we need to acknowledge that they feel something's unjust and then say, okay, let's look at whether this is actually true based on the facts. They may complain to get out of something or get somebody else to do it. If they complain enough about having to take out the trash, you'll do it yourself. And I was guilty of that. When my children were young, they would complain about something, and finally I was like, you know what? It would have been a lot easier if I would have just done it myself again. One of those lessons I learned with the first child, I didn't repeat with the second one. But understanding that, that sometimes people will, who, if they don't want to do something for some reason, and we're going to talk about that in a minute, will complain until you just give up and you're like, you know what? It'll be easier if I just do it myself, never mind, go away. And some people complain to get pity or attention. Maybe they feel like they're not being noticed or heard, so they start complaining about things because that actually gets you to pay attention to them. In terms of procrastinating. Procrastinating looks a little different when we procrastinate. We may sleep. You know, that's. That's an easy way to procrastinate or watch TV or play video games. We may organize. And I fall into this. This is one of my procrastination strategies. I have to get everything organized in my office so I can focus or in my room before I can go to bed or, or whatever it is. And then I end up losing, you know, time because I'm spending so much time organizing, quote, unquote. I'm just avoiding doing what I don't want to do. We may prioritize other things like video games or grocery shopping or just about anything that seems less overwhelming or distasteful than what we're supposed to be doing. We may forget, or children may forget until the last minute how many times if, if you have Older children. How many times did your child forget that they had a project due until three days or the night before it was due? They didn't want to do it for some reason, so they forgot and then hoped that you were going to either do it for them or get them out of it. Self handicapping is another one we see with kids a lot especially. I forgot my books at school. I can't study for my science test because my science books in my locker at school. Oops, sorry. Now I don't know if that's still true now that everything is done on digitally and I on iPads and stuff, but I'm sure they find another way. I left my charger at school so and my iPad's dead. I don't know. But that self handicapping is a way of procrastinating. It's just too overwhelming to think about. I was a horrible procrastinator when I was in school. Awful procrastinator. I would do the homework for period four. In period three, I would do just about anything to not crack a book after school. I had after school activities that I used as an excuse. I prioritized other things and then I would, you know, use that as an excuse. Self handicapping. Well, I was at the basketball game until 9 o' clock at night. Then I had to get some sleep. So it's not my fault. I self handicapped because I chose not to study. I chose not to read while I was on the bus or do my homework on the weekend ahead of time knowing that we were going to have three away games that week. So why do people procrastinate? Lots of reasons. I mean, think about why you procrastinate. They're overwhelmed with other stuff. I've just got. I've got 16 things going on. I cannot even take on one more thing. This has to go over there. You know, this is one of those things that I just can't even deal with right now, which sometimes is good time management when you can prioritize. But procrastinating is pushing off important things. Fear of failure. I don't want to do it because I'm afraid if I do and I don't succeed, then I'm going to look stupid or I'm going to be rejected. I'm going to fail. They don't see the point of it. And this motivational interviewing 101 people need to understand why or how doing this benefits them. I always used to say algebra. When am I ever going to use algebra? Believe it or not, even today I still Use it a lot. Solving for X, at least not the intense algebra, but helping children understand why it's important. Fractions, pull out the measuring cups. Help them see how they use that. Measuring, rounding. Find the practical applications. And we are lucky to be in an environment now where you can actually go online. If you can't think of how this could possibly be practical, ask perplexity or chat GPT. It will give you practical ways that we actually use XYZ in current life. Or why it's important to know about physics or geometry. They may not know where to begin. It's just I've got this test to study for on six units and I have no idea where to begin. Or I have this project, the science project I need to do for the science fair. I don't even know what to do it on, let alone how to get started. Many people have a problem with kind of knowing where to begin, especially if it's a big project and we can help children break it down and they may lack the skills. Sometimes people procrastinate because they've been asked to do something they've got no clue how to do. In addictions treatment, we talk about resistance. And procrastinating is one very, very common form of resistance. And when we look at why is somebody resisting treatment? Why are they procrastinating, doing the next right thing. It often comes down to their. They just don't have any more energy. They can't take on one more thing. They're afraid if they try, they'll fail. They don't see the point, especially if they've tried before and it hasn't worked. They don't know where to begin or they know they don't have the skills and they have no idea where to get the skills. Children are the same way, and this is school skills as well as interpersonal skills. If you say, you know, Tommy, why don't you go out and make friends with the kids that are on the playground? Tommy may be looking at you going, and I do that how? If Tommy has never been exposed to that. So there is a learning process and we need, if we ask them to do something, even something we think is natural or everybody knows may not be. It may not be. We need to back up and say, well, why doesn't Tommy want to go, you know, play with these other kids? Why doesn't Tommy want to go introduce himself? Maybe he was being bullied. Maybe he tried before and somebody said, no, I don't want to play with you. And it hurt his feelings and he doesn't want to try that again because he doesn't want to feel that again. It's a lot of reasons, but we don't know until we ask. And disobedience. What does it look like? Well, this one's pretty simple. Not doing something they were told to do or doing something they were told not to do, or both, you know, I told you not to. Well, I told you you were supposed to take a shower. Oh, that was a big one with my kids, especially my son. He hated bathing. I don't know why, but oh my gosh, getting him to take a bath was such a challenge. And I remember one time I went to pick him up at preschool and I, I asked the teacher, you know, can you get Sean? I'm here to pick him up. And she's like, oh, it's gonna be a minute. He just went into the bathroom and I looked at her quizzically. He's. She's like, oh, he washes his hands for like 10 minutes. My Sean, my Sean that I swear is allergic to soap. And she's like, oh, yeah, yeah, he's one of our best hand washers. So that started to tell me there was something else underneath the behavior that I wasn't getting. Now Sean likes to be a leader, and he was rewarded for washing his hands at school, at home. I took it for granted. You're going to take a bath because it makes you feel better and then we're going to go do something else. But I didn't reward that behavior. So he wasn't motivated to do it. Doing something you're told not to do, don't hit your sister. You know, obviously that's one of those things we don't want them to do. Why are they disobeying? Why did they hit their sister? I worked with one client who had had her. She was having her third child. And after the baby was born, her four year old got very angry. And every time she would nurse the baby and he would take his toys and start throwing them at her while she's nursing the baby. And obviously that's not tolerable. And she told him, don't, number one, we don't throw toys. But she wasn't addressing the underlying issue of he felt left out and he felt anxious that he was going to be abandoned. He wanted attention and that baby was getting a whole lot of attention and he felt like he wasn't getting enough attention anymore. Disobedience can happen due to anger. And remember, anger is our threat response when we feel like we're losing control. When we feel like there's a threat to our person or our safety in some way, we tend to either get anxious or angry. When we get angry, we tend to disobey. Disrespect that it's a behavior more than a feeling. But if I'm angry with you, then I may be disrespectful to you. I may not want to do something that you ask me to do because I don't care what you think. You're overwhelmed or you have a fear of failure. Now, this can come out as disobedience. I'm just not going to do it, or procrastination. And a lot of times it looks the same, but the underlying issue is the person is overwhelmed or fearing failure. Sometimes disobedience occurs because there's inconsistency in rules. The child is used to behaving in a certain way at home. And then they go to visit grandma and grandma has different rules and they forget they're used to the way it goes at home. And they may be disobedient by not following grandma's rules. Do they understand the rules? They also may split parents or caregivers in if there's inconsistency between the caregivers. And I know I'm outing myself a lot today, but when my kids were at home, they knew I was sort of the taskmaster. And they knew their dad would get them out of just about anything. So if they didn't like what I wanted them to do or they didn't want to do it, they would go complain to him. And knowing good and well that they weren't. I had already told them no. So they were disobeying me by going and complaining to him. And then he would tell them, okay, you don't have to do that. And they were like, okay, well, dad said I didn't have to. So there was that inconsistency that we had to work out with, between ourselves as, as caregivers to maintain sort of a united front. Sometimes they disobey just to test boundaries, like Sean did at my grandma's house. They may be depressed. And I call this passive disobedience. You tell them to do, clean their room or do their homework or whatever it is, and they just continue to sit there and lay on their bed and, or stare at the TV and, and do nothing. And that's sort of passive disobedience. Sometimes it can be disrespect. Sometimes they're overwhelmed. Sometimes they may. May be depressed and they don't have the energy. We don't know until we ask. They may have a lack of clarity of what you want or why it's important. I've shared with y' all before. I would tell my kids to clean their room, and their idea of clean was really different than mine. So I learned, you know, I say, why didn't you clean your room? Well, I did clean my room, mom, not so much. So I took a picture of their room and I put it on the back of their bedroom door and I said, this is what clean looks like. And we talked about the difference between what what was and what should be. So they knew what I expected when I said, clean your room and a lack of motivation for the preferred behaviors. We do what's most rewarding and if you want them to do something that's going to take a lot of effort or they don't see the point, they're going to be much more reticent to do it. And they weigh the costs and benefits. Using all this energy to do this thing they want me to do or dealing with caregiver, being angry. Which one would I rather deal with? You know, the better of two bad choices, so to speak. Increasing their motivation. How does it benefit them? What's going to come out of choosing the preferred behaviors? Interventions recognize the lack of motivation for the desired behavior. Hey, I was in school too, and I realize I remember how much homework stunk and quite honestly, I was very bad at doing mine too. So I'm with you there. Recognize their motivation. You've got other things that you would much rather do besides study for your science test or clean your room or what have you. However, these need to be done, and this is why, and let's talk about how we can make this more palatable for you. Pay attention to patterns in complaining and disobedience and procrastination and help the child become aware of their vulnerabilities. We often see these behaviors come out more when the child is feeling exhausted. They're sleep deprived. Messes with planning, it messes with organization, it messes with a lot of those executive functions that we need. And it just when you're sleep deprived, you're tired, you don't have the energy to do things, you have low, less motivation. Is the child more likely to engage in these behaviors when they're anxious or overwhelmed about the task or something else? Maybe they know that they're getting ready to go to visit grandma and they really don't like to fly on the airplane. Or maybe they're just excited and they're distracted by getting ready to go to grandma's. And so they, they don't want to do what they're supposed to do. They're. They're overwhelmed. They. When they're angry, do they tend to be more oppositional? Well, let's think about it. Anger is a response to a threat. Disobedience is. Is a response to a threat. No, I don't want to do that. I am going to assert my own power. Are they depressed? It happens with children. Children can be clinically depressed and we need to figure out why. Are they hangry? And that's hungry, which leads to them being more irritable and angry. When we're hungry, it triggers our stress response, which makes everything seem more overwhelming. Are they starting to get sick? A lot of times, people. But I noticed it in my children and I notice it in myself too, to a certain extent. When we're starting to get sick, we don't really have a lot of symptoms yet, but our body is already engaged and trying to fight off the illness. We may have less energy, we may be whinier, we may, you know, be. Be more tempted because we don't have the energy to procrastinate. Or is it the time of day? Not everybody has energy at the same time of day. My productive periods are from 5am to 10am that's when I am, you know, spot on. From 10am to 2, I do okay. After 2 o', clock, my ability to focus and my attention and my energy just starts plummeting. I know that for me, for my son, it's literally the polar opposite. He doesn't even start getting his energy until about noon. But working with that child's rhythms or helping the child understand their rhythms and capitalize on them as much as possible. Yeah, it doesn't matter if they get their energy at noon. If they've got to be at school at 7 o', clock, they got to be at school at 7 o'. Clock. How can we help them function within an environment that is not tailored to them? Help the child identify their goal in the behavior. If they're whining, I hear you're trying to get my attention. I'm wondering what it is that you're hoping to accomplish. Examples. I want Johnny to take out the trash. Johnny never has to do anything. Anything. So I'm whining because it seems like Johnny gets preferential treatment. Paraphrasing that to the child. It seems like Johnny doesn't have to do everything and you have to do everything. So let's, let's take a look at that. Or the child says, I can't do my homework. It's too hard and I'm too tired. Okay, well, it could be that the child's too tired. Could it have to do with the fact that you stayed up late playing video games or that you just would rather play video games because they're much more fun and you don't want to do your homework? Maybe yes, maybe no. Does the child have ADHD or dyslexia? That may make it hard to do their homework. So they procrastinate because it literally takes double or triple the energy. I don't want to go to school. It's horrible. And the other kids are mean. Maybe the child is resisting going to school. They're being disobedient because they're afraid that they're going to look stupid when they give their presentation, or they're afraid of children that are bullying them, or they're afraid they're going to be bullied because they see other kids getting bullied or they fear rejection or something else. I mean, I'm just speculating here, trying to help you see that there's a broad scope of, of threats that may be causing the child to engage this behavior. Mindfully recognize the issue and review prior responses, yours for consistency. If the child has come to you with this issue before, what was the consequence? Did you let them get? They came to you and they said, I don't have energy to do my homework tonight. I'm going to go to bed and, and I'll do it tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and we hear the same thing and the homework just never gets done. Okay, well, I've let it go in the past. It doesn't improve. It doesn't happen. So now I need to say acknowledge, I've let you do this in the past and you haven't done it the next day. So now I'm going to insist that you do at least this much before you go to bed. If you're going to change your tune, you need to acknowledge that you're changing your tune and why that I've let you get away with this before and it's not, it's not working, so we need to do something different. Or if you have done some responded in a certain way before saying it's okay or saying it's not okay and punishing the behavior than responding the same way. Just like for Sean and the television, he was looking for me to be consistent when we're at grandma's house, if I touch the tv, am I going to go to timeout? Sure enough, you are. Okay, so the child feels safe because they know those guardrails are there. Discuss idea I. And that stands for identify the feeling and its purpose. Down regulate. Explore the situation and solutions and act with purpose. So let's go through those. Identify what's going on. You're pro, you're whining, you, you feel tired, you feel angry. Tell me what you're feeling right now. You don't want to do this. All right, why don't you want to do this? What are you afraid of? Or why don't you have the energy to do it? Help them down regulate. If they're upset, if they're angry, if they're anxious, they're not going to think clearly until they got get out of fight or flee. So help them learn how to down regulate. It's like, okay, I hear this is something you don't want to do. I hear you feel angry or anxious about this. That's fine. Let's take a walk for a second and, you know, get grounded again. And then we'll talk about what's actually going on. Then explore the situation and solutions. What are the benefits and drawbacks to the current behavior and communication strategy if the child is procrastinating, whining, or being disobedient? What are the benefits to you to acting this way and because there are benefits or they wouldn't keep doing it. And what are the drawbacks to acting this way? And, you know, let's see if the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. And it's up to us as caregivers to make sure the drawbacks are, are more potent. Then examine FITCAT based on what's going on right now, the facts in and, you know, let's see if the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. And it's up to us as caregivers to make sure that the drawbacks are, are more potent. Then examine FITCAT based on what's going on right now, the facts in this con. How accurate are your concerns about this situation? This is too overwhelming, too much to do. Johnny always gets to do it, whatever. And then identify if you don't like this situation, you know, you think that the baby is getting too much attention. What are the benefits and drawbacks to alternate solutions? Let's talk about ways that you could feel more involved. I love you and I want to make sure that you feel loved and heard. So what is it that we could do differently and yes. Even talking to a four year old, Empowering them to say, I want to do this. Or maybe suggesting, what if I had you help me get the baby ready for bed? Or, or something like that. Making sure to spend time praising the child and help them feel heard, recognized and noticed. And then empower them to act with purpose. Once you determine a new course of behavior, if they're not going to complain, what are they going to do instead? And when they do it, reward it, Reinforce it. Notice. Hey, this happened and you told me that you didn't want to do this for this reason and you proposed a solution instead of complaining. I very much appreciate that. Or I mean, this happened and you told me you didn't want to do it, but you didn't whine. That is progress. I really appreciate that. Chunk the activity. Nope. Go back. Ensure all caregivers are on the same page to prevent splitting. If you tell Tommy that they can't have the keys to go out on Saturday night, then make sure the other caregiver knows that Tommy's not supposed to have the keys to go out on Saturday night. That way the other person can't get inadvertently roped in to working against you. Chunk. Activities to create small successes and frequent rewards. If the child feels overwhelmed at this big project they need to do. All right, let's break it down into smaller things. Or maybe they even feel overwhelmed by cleaning their room. You know, they're looking at their room going, oh my gosh, I'm never going to get this done. Okay, let's start with something. First thing, make your bed great. You made your bed. Second thing, clean off all the flat surfaces and put those things where they're supposed to be. Great. Did that third step, if you make them vacuum, vacuum your room, or in our kids cases, take all of your dishes down to the kitchen. But it was a stepwise process. These things need to be done. And they were very small chunks so the child could do one thing and feel like, okay, got that part done and do another thing. And they knew the routine. Make a list. These things need to be done. And they were very small chunks so the child could do one thing and feel like, okay, got that part done and do another thing and they knew the routine. Make a list of all the things that are weighing on the child and help them prioritize. Children have a lot on their mind. They have a lot going on at school. They have, they're developing. And remember that their distress tolerance levels are much lower than ours because they haven't developed it yet. Their experiences, that experiential vault of that they have in their brain of all their experiences. It's like this list of all the things that are weighing on the child and help them prioritize. Children have a lot on their mind. They have a lot going on at school. They have, they're developing and remember that their distress tolerance levels are much lower than ours. But because they haven't developed it yet, they're experiences that experience and ours is like this big. So when something happens for a child, it may seem like a much, much bigger deal, it may be much, much more overwhelming. Okay, let's make sure we recognize that and let's work with the child to help us understand what, what's going on, what's weighing on you right now. Financial vault of that they have in their brain of all their experiences. It's like this that is causing you to feel so overwhelmed. Help the child learn how to organize and make choices with their time so they don't get over committed in the future. One of the things I did with my kids when they started high school was they would get their syllabus and we would go through their syllabus and we would egg and ours is like this big. So when something happens for a child, it may seem like a much, much bigger deal, it may be much, much more overwhelming. Okay, let's make sure we recognize that and let's work with the child. Identify. This project is due on this date, so maybe it's July 30th. All right, well you need to start this project on July 7th and you need to have the rough draft done by July 14th. And they would put it in their calendars with different dates so they would know they were making progress to help us understand what, what's going on, what's weighing on you right now. And it was always there when they logged into their calendar they could see. These are the tasks that is causing you to feel so overwhelmed. Help the child learn how to organize and make choices with their time so they don't get over committed in the future. One of the things I did with my kids when they started that I have to get completed and that helped them a lot to start getting started on things. Plan. My son has adhd, so he's got a lot of time blindness and helping him plan ahead of time and recognize you can't get that done in 24 hours. You're going to have to get started earlier. Get started by making an outline. Step one, then write the first draft of the narrative. Step two, review and Revise step three and then turn it in. So he knew this is how I get started and get this eight page paper out. You know, for him an H page paper was just high school was they would get their syllabus and we would go through their syllabus and we would identify. This project is due on this date. So maybe it's July 30th. All right, well you need to start this project on July 7th and you need to have the rough draft done by July 14th. And they would put. It's, you know, overwhelming for me. An H8 page paper is a Tuesday. So I needed to reframe my perspective and recognize how overwhelming it was for him. Create token economies. Oh, going back to making choices about their time. They also have other things they want to do. We help them get organized but then we also have to help them see sometimes some things that gotta go. You wanted to do this on Saturday in their calendars with different dates so they would know they were making progress. Okay. But you've got these projects that are due so you may not get to do that or you want to play video games for two hours every night. But you've got these other things that you have to get done first. When children are younger we can put on guardrail and it was always there when they logged into their calendar. They could see these are the tasks that I have to get completed. And that helped them a lot to start getting started on things. Plan. My son has adhd so he's got a lot of time blindness. And help if you will on their Internet usage. So they can't access those games or they can't access those websites until we give them permission to. But then as they get older they're going to have to be able to self regulate. Create token economies for the child. If you get this done. We had these little plastic rubies I got from the party. Party can plan ahead of time and recognize. You can't get that done in 24 hours. You're gonna have to get started earlier. Get started by making an outline. Step one, then write the first draft of the narrative. Step two, review and revise step three and then turn it in. So he knew this is how I store. If you get this done, you get a ruby or if you get this done, you get three rubies and you can cash in your rubies for video game time, for outside time, for mommy time, whatever it you want to cash it in for. Separate failure at a task from failure as a person. A lot of times people will complain. Procrastinate and maybe even disobey because they're afraid of failure. And if people start recognizing failure as a learning opportunity, I get started and get this eight page paper out, you know. For him, an H page paper was just unity to do a task better, but not a reflection of themselves as a person. Then that fear of rejection and abandonment and failure starts, you know, overwhelming. For me, an eight page paper is a Tuesday, so I needed to reframe my perspective and recognize how overwhelming it was for him. Create token economies. Oh, going back to, to go away. Ensure that they have resources and know how to access them. Like I said, sometimes people procrastinate because they just don't know how to do it. They don't have the skills. Child is procrastinating on doing their chemistry homework or their calculus homework because they have no clue. They sat through the class and it was literally Greek to them. Okay? Making choices about their time. They also have other things they want to do. We help them get organized, but how can we help them? What resources are there and how can I help you access those? When my children were little, YouTube was becoming big and there were a couple then we also have to help them see sometimes some things that gotta go. You wanted to do this on Saturday, but you've got these projects that are due, so you may not get to do that, or you want to play video games for two hours every night, but you've got these other things that you have to get done. Of math teachers on YouTube that somehow had this knack of making complex processes very, very simple and they would chunk it. It was like, this is how you do this particular task. This is how you do this particular task. And encouraging my children. You know, when you run into a, a challenge, first try to consult YouTube. This professor on YouTube. If it's not there, then come to me and I'll see if I can get you done first. When children are younger, we can put on guardrails, if you will, on their Internet usage so they can't access those games or they can't access those websites until we give them permission to. But then as they get older, they're going to have to be able to self regulate, create token economies for tutoring or get you connected with a, with your teacher who might be able to provide you additional assistance. So help them know that they're not out there on their own because a lot of times they feel like they are. I'm not great at math. I, I'm the first to admit that my children knew if they came to me with a difficult math problem. I was going to look at them with a blank look on my face. So at first they thought, well, you know, what's the point? I can't go to mom because she can't solve it either. Well, that were the child. If you get this done, we had these little plastic rubies I got from the party. Party was true. However, I was willing to support them and help them figure out how to access those resources, Identify the steps of the task, and help them make a plan so they know where to begin. What is the first step? You're here at ground zero store. If you get this done, you get a ruby. Or if you get this done, you get three rubies. And you can cash in your rubies for video game time, for outside time, for mommy time, Whatever it is you want to cash it in for, bro. Finishing the project is a five. What's the first step, second step, third step, fourth step, fifth step? Okay, break it down so the child can do something and be like, okay, I got that part done. That wasn't so bad. Let me try this next part. Help the child recognize that they are not separate failure at a task from failure as a person. A lot of times alone, most of their friends are probably dreading the chemistry test too. People will complain, procrastinate, and maybe even disobey because they're afraid of failure. And if people start recognizing failure as a learning opportunity to do a task better, but not a reflection of themselves as a person or don't want to do whatever it is. Sometimes people, especially children, have difficulty recognizing what others are feeling because they're still kind of egocentric and they may not realize that other their other friends don't want to do it either. Or conversely, everybody else isn't doing it. I know. I heard that a lot from my parents. Helping the child recognize what is actually going on and get some perspective can be hugely helpful. If they're complaining about something I know nobody likes sin, then that fear of rejection and abandonment and failure starts to go away. Ensure that they have resources and know how to access them. Like I said, sometimes people procrastinate because they just don't know how to do it. They don't have the skills to do chores. I don't like to do chores, but I love the way the house looks when I'm finished. Child is procrastinating on doing their chemistry homework or their calculus homework because they have no clue. Doing chores. I know you don't like to do chores, but it's something that you need to learn how to do, partly because it will help you stay healthier. My son hated getting sick. And it will keep the bugs down out of the, out of your room if you're not leaving your dishes in there. Those were good motivations for him. He had bad allergies. So they sat through the class, and it was literally Greek to them. Okay, how can we help them? What resources are there and how can I help you access those? When my children were little, YouTube was becoming big, and there were a couple of math teachers on YouTube that somehow had this knack of dusting. He was motivated to do that so he wouldn't be all stuffy at night. Helping him see the purpose, which takes us to find the purpose or need for the behavior. How can doing whatever this is that I want the child to do help them move toward their rich and meaningful life? Why is this important to you? Yeah, maybe you're not going to go into science, but in order to graduate high school, you're going to need to pass this class, so you got to get through it. When I was in college, there were a bunch of classes I had to take because I needed so many hours in this type of class and so many hours in that type of class. And oh, my gosh, I hated them. But in order to graduate, I had to do it. So I. Making complex processes very, very simple. And they would chunk it. It was like, this is how you do this particular task. This is how you do this particular task. And encouraging my children. You know, when you run into a. A challenge, first try to consult YouTube. This professor on, you know, stuck through it. Embrace the good with the bad. To graduate, you must complete this course. I know it's no fun. You don't like it, you don't see the purpose, but you got to do it. The state says so to get access to your games, this task, your chores, whatever it is, has to be done. Or I need to check your homework and make sure your homework's done before I will give you access to your video games. Or the child that you know says they, they don't want to do it, they can't wait till they move out of the house, blah, blah, blah. Well, to move out of this house, you're going to have on YouTube. If it's not there, then come to me and I'll see if I can get you to get a job so you can pay your rent, which means you got to graduate. And in order to graduate, you got tutoring or get you connected with a. With your teacher. Who might be able to provide you complete your homework. So that's where we are. What is it that I can do to support additional assistance? So help them know that they're not out there on their own because a lot of times they feel like they are. I'm not great at math. I. I'm the first to admit that my children knew if they came to you in completing your homework. What. Where's your stumbling block right now? Are you too tired? Are you not understanding it? What's going on? To make, to make friends, you have to be around other people, which means getting out of your room. If you want the child to interact with others. They say they're lonely. Okay, I hear you're me with a difficult math problem. I was going to look at them with this blank look on my face. So at first only. And in order to feel less lonely, you need to be able to feel comfortable. They thought, well, you know, what's the point? I can't go to mom because she can't solve it either. Well, that will interacting with others, let's role play that. Let's see what's causing you to true. However, I was willing to support them and help them figure out how to feel anxious around other people or not want to engage with them and try to figure out how to solve that problem. Examine your purpose as a caregiver, also known as pick your battle. How to access those resources. Identify the steps of the task and help them make a plan. You can fight with everything or you can choose your battles. If they don't do something, you have to ask yourself, is this worth the fight? Is this something we need to get into it about? Yes or no, Set the child up for success. Make sure they know what your expectations are so they know where to begin. What is the first step? You're here at ground zero. Finishing the project is a five. What's the first? For different tasks, make sure they have the skills or feel comfortable coming to you. First step, second step, third step, fourth step, fifth step. Okay, break it down. So if they need additional resources, make sure they understand the whys of what they must do and the fact that there are things in life that are just unplugged. The child can do something and be like, okay, I got that part done. That wasn't so bad, wasn't. You don't want to do them, you don't want to go get your shots, but you gotta do it. And this is why, when possible, help them feel empowered by involving them in the process of determining the solution. You really don't want to do your homework. This is awful. But. And you dread. Let me try this next part. Help the child recognize that they are not alone. Most of their friends are probably dreading the chemistry test too, or don't want to do whatever it is. Sometimes people this, that, or the other. Okay, what do you think? And that goes back to the idea framework. What do you think could change that would make this tolerable? You may not ever like it, but what could make it tolerable? And how can I support you in that? Own your own behavior and reactions and model healthy ones. We all complain, procrastinate, do things we shouldn't do. Okay, own that and try to do better. Rule out other issues. If a child is engaging in these behaviors, it could be an underlying physical issue. Diabetes, thyroid issues, sleep problems, vitamin D deficiency, hopefully not addiction, but it could be. Especially children have difficulty recognizing what others are feeling, including video game addiction, ADHD or dyslexia. All of those are very common contributors to child. Children complaining, procrastinating and disobeying. Develop a performance improvement plan with the child. Identify the problem. I ask you to clean your room. You're not getting it done. What's leading to the problem? What's causing you to not get it done? Other than you just don't want to do it? Other than what will I do better or differently to support you? And what will you child do differently to make sure this happens? And that came up a lot in our. In our household. What? Because they're still kind of egocentric and they may not realize that other. Their other friends don't want to do it either, or conversely, everybody else isn't doing it. I know. I heard that a lot from my parents. Helping the child recognize what is actually going on and get some perspective can be hugely helpful if they're complaining about something. I know nobody likes to do chores. I don't like to do chores, but I love the way the house looks when I'm finished. What can I do to help? Break it down into smaller tasks so it feels less overwhelming. Also, implementing consequences. Sometimes you just have to put up those guardrails. I will not tolerate this behavior when it happens, this is the consequence. You mess with the tv, you go to timeout, but make the consequences. Aging chores. I know you don't like to do chores, but it's something that you need to learn how to do, partly because it will help you stay healthier. My son hated getting so appropriate. They say timeout should last one minute for every Year old the child is, which means a four year old only in timeout for four minutes. Try to select natural consequences when possible. For example, they procrastinate on their science project. Natural constant sick and it will keep the bugs down out of the at once. You're gonna fail. Don't do their science project for them the night before it's due d of your room if you're not leaving your dishes in there. Those were good motivations for him. He had bad allergies. So give them a reprieve for something just because they complain. You can validate, you can acknowledge, yeah, this sucks. But we all have to do things that we don't like. Discuss the benefits of using their energy to act out to complain, procrastinate or do the wrong thing and suffer the consequences when they could have just done it correctly the first time. Dusting. He was motivated to do that so he wouldn't be all stuffy at night. Helping him see the purpose which takes us to find the purpose or need for the behavior. Behavior is communication. Children often react instead of acting mindfully by parenting using secure attachment principles. How can doing whatever this is that I want the child to do help them move toward their distancing attention, responsiveness, encouragement and safety. You can help rich and meaningful life. Why is this important to you? Yeah, maybe you're not going to go into help them more effectively meet their needs. Are there any questions, Lori? No, I don't have any videos on dealing with difficult adult children. But a lot of these principles would really apply science. But in order to graduate high school, you're going to need to pass this class. So you got to get through it. When I was in college, there were a bunch of classes I had to take because I need when they're being difficult, what's the motivation for that? For that challenging behavior? Are they expecting that eventually you're going to give in? Do they not understand their impact on you or what you want them to do? Do they not have the skills to do what they did? So many hours in this type of class and so many hours in that type of class and oh my gosh, I hated them. But in order to graduate I had to do it. So I they need to do. Are they overwhelmed and they're seeking support? You know, I would encourage you to watch the video on addressing resistance that goes into more specifically with adults, you know, stuck through it. Embrace the good with the bad. To graduate you must kind of what to do but talking with them. The nice thing about adults is cognitively they they're at a whole different stage than children are, and they're able to ex this course. I know it's no fun. You don't like it, you don't see the purpose, but you got to do it. The salmon. Multiple different options and hypotheses. All righty. Everybody says so. To get access to your games, this task, your chores. What. Thank you so much for being here today, and I will see you next Wednesday. Whatever it is has to be done or I need to check your homework and make sure your homework's done before I will give you access to your video games or the child that you know says they they don't want to do it, they can't wait till they move out of the house, blah, blah, blah. Well, to move out of this house, you're going to have to get a job so you can pay your rent, which means you got to graduate. And in order to graduate, you got to complete your homework. So that's where we are. What is it that I can do to support you in completing your homework? What? Where's your stumbling block right now? Are you too tired? Are you not understanding it? What's going on? To make to make friends, you have to be around other people, which means getting out of your room. If you want the child to interact with others. They say they're lonely. Okay, I hear you're lonely. And in order to feel less lonely, you need to be able to feel comfortable interacting with others. Let's role play that. Let's see what's causing you to feel anxious around other people or not want to engage with them and try to figure out how to solve that problem. Examine your purpose as a caregiver, also known as pick your battles. You can fight with everything, or you can choose your battles. If they don't do something, you have to ask yourself, is this worth the fight? Is this something we need to get into it about? Yes or no. Set the child up for success. Make sure they know what your expectations are for different tasks. Make sure they have the skills or feel comfortable coming to you if they need additional resources. Make sure they understand the whys of what they must do and the fact that there are things in life that are just unpleasant. You don't want to do them. You don't want to go get your shots, but you got to do it. And this is why, when possible, help them feel empowered by involving them in the process of determining the solution. You really don't want to do your homework. This is awful. But. And you dread this, that, or the other, okay, what do you think? And that goes back to the idea framework. What do you think could change that would make this tolerable? You may not ever like it, but what could make it tolerable? And how can I support you in that? Own your own behavior and reactions and model healthy ones. We all complain, procrastinate, do things we shouldn't do. Okay, own that and try to do better. Rule out other issues. If a child is engaging in these behaviors, it could be an underlying physical issue. Diabetes, thyroid issues, sleep problems, vitamin D deficiency, hopefully not addiction, but it could be, including video game addiction, ADHD or dyslexia. All of those are very common contributors to children complaining, procrastinating and disobeying. Develop a performance improvement plan with the child. Identify the problem. I ask you to clean your room. You're not getting it done. What's leading to the problem? What's causing you to not get it done other than you just don't want to do it? What will I do better or differently to support you? And what will you child do differently to make sure this happens? And that came up a lot in our, in our household. What can I do to help? Break it down into smaller tasks so it feels less overwhelming. Also implementing consequences, sometimes you just have to put up those guardrails. I will not tolerate this behavior when it happens. This is the consequence. You mess with the tv, you go to timeout, but make the consequences age appropriate. They say timeout should last one minute for every year old the child is, which means a four year old only in timeout for four minutes. Try to select natural consequences when possible. For example, they procrastinate on their science project. Natural consequence, you're going to fail. Don't do their science project for them the night before it's due. Don't give them a reprieve for something just because they complain. You can validate, you can acknowledge, yeah, this sucks, but we all have to do things that we don't like. Discuss the benefits of using their energy to act out, to complain, procrastinate, or do the wrong thing and suffer the consequences when they could have just done it correctly the first time. Behavior is communication. Children often react instead of acting mindfully. By parenting using secure attachment principles, consistency, attention, responsiveness, encouragement and safety, you can help them more effectively meet their needs. Are there any questions, Lori? No, I don't have any videos on dealing with difficult adult children or. But a lot of these principles would really apply when they're being difficult. What's the motivation for that for that challenging behavior? Are they expecting that eventually you're going to give in? Do they not understand their impact on you or what you want them to do? Do they not have the skills to do what they need to do? Are they overwhelmed and they're seeking support? I would encourage.