Parenting Mistakes that Destroy a Childs Self Esteem

Hey there everybody, and welcome back to the Doc Snipes Channel. Today we're talking about parenting mistakes that destroy a child's self esteem. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. You know, I'm a fan of mnemonics and I came up with another one and this one is no choice, which kind of makes sense. When a child has their self esteem just obliterated, a lot of times they feel like they have no choice. The first thing that parents can do that can destroy a child's self esteem is neglect. If the parent fails to provide emotional support or physical support, the child may start feeling like, hey, I'm not even worth my, my parents time. I'm not even worth my caregiver's time. So even though the caregiver maybe may recognize that I love my child and I want the best for him, so I'm working 80 hours a week, the child may not understand that all the child sees is the caregivers not there or when they are upset. If the caregiver is too overwhelmed with their own stuff to be able to be emotionally supportive, that emotional neglect, again, the child perceives that as my, my caregiver doesn't care about me, I'm not worth being the attention, I'm not worth caring about and they're just going to focus on their stuff. Overbearing parents or overbearing behaviors can also erode a child's sense of self esteem. If caregivers are constantly telling children, this is what you need to do, this is what you will do, you're going to take these lessons, you're going to grow up. If a caregiver is living, living vicariously through their child, trying to quote, do it right this time, that is extremely damaging because it violates the child's boundaries and tells the child what to think, feel and do instead of allowing the child to say, this is what I think, this is what I feel and this is what I want to do. The overbearing parent often has a lot of self esteem issues and regrets and guilt that they need to process so they can allow their child the ability to become the individual that they were born to be. Criticism that is excessive and unconstructive can also be problematic. And I come back to the mnemonic, think truthful, helpful, inspirational, necessary and kind. Sometimes as caregivers we have things that we want to tell our kids and that we believe. We have constructive feedback that we believe is truthful. We believe that it would be helpful for them to know. We think we can say it in an inspirational and kind way, but ultimately it's not necessary. They're doing it their way, not our way, and they're doing just fine, thank you very much. So we really need to pick our battles, as my mother used to say, and recognize that criticism, it can be overwhelming to a child. So providing criticism, it's important that if it is truthful, helpful, and necessary, that you do it in a way that is as inspirational and kind as possible, but also focuses on behaviors, not the child. You're saying, I don't like this behavior, or you need to address or fix this behavior. You're lovable for you, I don't like the behavior. And making sure that the feedback is constructive help them see why it's important to make these changes. Harsh discipline without redirection is similar to frequent criticism. Children need positive feedback, not just negative feedback. Children need to know that, hey, you're good at some things. Children need the opportunity to explore and find out what they are good at. When children experience harsh discipline, it takes away a behavior. It's like, okay, I know not to do that again. But if they're not provided with alternatives, then eventually you have this child that feels helpless and powerless because they're like, well, I can't. I can't respond this way. You know, when I get angry, I can't respond by throwing a tantrum. But I don't have any other skills. I don't know how to act or react when I get angry. So I either do it again and get punished for it again, or I don't know. And then if I get punished for it again, I feel bad about who I am and I feel bad that I made my parents angry and blah, blah, blah. So it's important to recognize that, yes, children need boundaries. Children need discipline to help them understand. It's important to stay within. Within the bounds. And as children get older, we give them more freedom. But it is also important that if you are trying to punish or correct or eliminate a behavior, that you provide them a reasonable alternative. When you get angry, these are the things that you can do. When you don't have any clean clothes, this is what you can do. Instead of getting clothes out of the hamper and wearing them to school, this is what you can do. And obvious. I would hope children wouldn't be disciplined for that, but it's important to recognize that. I remember when my son was little, we went to my grandmother's house, and she had lots of knickknacks and everything, and we talked to him ahead of time. And he knew he wasn't supposed to touch certain things in the house. And he went into my grandmother's house and we weren't there very long before. He walks over to the television, which he wasn't supposed to touch. He looks at me and he points to the television and he says no touch. And I said, yes, no touch. He touches it anyway. And I was like, no touch. And he says timeout. And I said, yep, timeout. And he toddled over and you know, took his time out for him. He needed to see if the rules still applied. He wasn't afraid to ask, to explore. And when he would get put in timeout, when my or they'd lose privileges or something, that was the punishment. But then we would also talk about in the future, what could you do differently so you don't encounter punishment? Parents who are overprotective and I know that sounds weird, but being overprotective can actually thwart a child's self esteem too because it says, I don't think you're capable of dressing yourself. I don't think you're capable of making good decisions. I don't think you're capable of doing this. I don't think you're capable of handling rejection or unpleasantness. So I am going to make sure that I hover over you and guard you at all costs. Now if you're talking about an infant, of course, but when you're Talking about a 5 year old or a 15 year old and you're still hovering over them as if they were a helpless infant, it's often communicates to them that they are incompetent and uncapable and they start feeling like the world is really scary. Inattentive caregivers. Now we talked about not being there for emotional support or neglecting to meet the child's emotional or physical needs. But when I'm talking about inattentiveness, I'm talking about failing to provide positive attention, spending quality time with the child, letting them know that hey, you are worth my time. I enjoy spending time with you, being attentive and trying to ask them questions about what they like and what they want to do and getting their input, empowering them to communicate. Comparisons can also be very damning to children when you are comparison comparing them to yourself. When I was your age I had to do all these things and you know, you know, why aren't you doing them? Or when I was your, your age I could do calculus. Why can't you? The children, the child may start to feel bad about themsel comparing them to other students, comparing them to siblings can be very damaging. And so it's important if you're going to compare them, to compare them to themselves. And I encourage people to do this in counseling all the time, even as adults. Compare yourself to who you were yesterday, try to be a little bit better, a little bit stronger than you were yesterday and that gives you something to work from. But comparing yourself to other people is not fair because you don't know what their story and what their resources are. And comparing children to other kids is also not fair because each child, each person has their own individual talents. And instead of saying you should be like this person, turning the conversation and saying how can I help you be the best version of you that you can be. And finally, expectations that are unrealistic and caregivers may be doing this out of true belief in the child and love and wanting to encourage the child, saying you can learn how to play football and you can be the quarterback of a pro football team one day and I'm going to support you in doing all this. And the kid may even want to do that. Okay. But holding these expectations that they are going to be perfect, that they're going to make varsity their freshman year, that they're going to do all these things and if they don't achieve your expectations, they feel disappointed in themselves, they feel like they let you down. And it's important again to separate their lovability as a human from their behaviors. Yeah, it may be disappointing that they didn't do, they didn't make varsity their freshman year, but was that even a realistic expectation? So it's important that we also temper what we think as grown ups. Things that seem easy to us like multitasking and getting things done may seem overwhelming to children who don't have the same cognitive abilities, who don't have the same experience doing things because we know as we do things over and over again it gets easier. So that's another thing that's really important to make your expectations realistic based on that child and their abilities. If they've got adhd, your expectations need to be different than for a child who doesn't. It doesn't mean that a child with ADHD is any less smart or any less capable or anything else, but your expectations about their ability to manage their attention in really overwhelming situations is needs to be realistic for that child and help them set realistic expectations for themselves so they don't constantly feel like they're failing. Feeling help us continue to make practical tools available to everyone by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or on cash app at Doc Snipes. You can purchase a super thanks for any video you particularly like or you can join the channel@doc snipes.com join children need to feel like they're loved, liked and capable. Neglect and abuse can lead to difficulties in self regulation and cause a child to feel ashamed and powerless. Constructive feedback, acknowledging successes, providing positive attention, respecting boundaries, using positive discipline and redirection, and providing support and encouragement are all essential parenting tools to raising a child that has a good self esteem.