People Pleasing: Keep It From Making You Miserable

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this episode on people pleasing. How to keep it from making you miserable. I'm your host, Dr. Donnellice Snipes. In this episode, we're going to define people pleasing, identify signs that you might be a people pleaser, explore what causes it and the impacts, and finally review nine strategies to begin addressing it. So let's start at the beginning. What is people pleasing? Sometimes it's called codependency or insecure attachment. Because when people engage in habitual people pleasing, it can be at their own expense and it actually causes more problems, causes more harm than good. People pleasing often looks like doing things to please other people at the expense of taking care of yourself. Now, I want to be clear that once in a while, doing something at the expense of taking care of yourself is not a bad thing. You know, if you've got a small child at home, you probably do that a lot. But it's also important to take time out to rest and recharge so you don't get totally depleted. People pleasers not never take that time out, they just get totally depleted and then they start feeling angry and resentful and depressed. People pleasing often revolves around believing it's your responsibility to make other people happy instead of allowing them the ability to focus on their own emotions. Instead of allowing them to be responsible for their own emotions, you feel like it's your responsibility to fix them and everything else. Signs of people pleasing? Well, there's a lot of different signs, but some of the big ones, it feels inconsistent. Sometimes you feel lovable and you think that, oh, I'm such a nice person because I do this for everybody. And sometimes you feel resentful because you're such a nice person and you do this for everybody and they don't do back for you or, or at least not in the way that you expect them to. So there's a certain amount of manipulation in there. People pleasers are also sometimes very mindful of what's going on in their life and they're putting one foot in front of the other, but sometimes they're on autopilot. They are just habitually jumping in and saying, yes, I'll help you with this. Yes, let me do this. How can I help you? Instead of stopping and being mindful and saying, do I have the time, the energy and the resources to do this before I say yes or before I offer to help? People pleasers are often unresponsive to their own needs and they find relationships are unsatisfying because they're constantly giving they feel like they're obligated to constantly give. They're not giving to themselves self. So not only are they getting depleted, but they are also giving and giving and giving and expecting in return and often not getting it back. So relationships for people pleasers are often more transactional than emotional. So these relationships can be very unsatisfying. People pleasers often also find relationships unsatisfying because they are inauthentic. They don't tell other people or what their thoughts, needs and wants are. They are human chameleons. They will be whatever they think the other person wants them to be, which means they are not getting their needs met. All they are doing is constantly, you know, changing shapes, so to speak. People pleasers often have a very unclear identity and low self esteem because they're constantly being a human chameleon. They don't really know what they like or what they want or what they need. And so they can't love themselves because they don't know who they are. They need approval from other people. Well, if you don't know who you are, you don't know what your skills are, then it's hard to approve or disapprove of yourself. But people pleasers are taken another step further. And because their self esteem is so low and often because of prior trauma, they need approval from others. They need somebody else to tell them, you know what, you're lovable, you're okay. People pleasers often apologize for things that they don't need to apologize for. They apologize because, you know, the dog was barking too loud. They apologize for just about everything, trying to keep everybody else calm. And once we start talking about what causes it, you'll start understanding why. Apologizing may be a key characteristic of people pleasers. And people pleasers often have abandonment fears. They engage in people pleasing because they need to feel good about themselves. They need to feel like, you know, if I do these things then I am lovable and, and if I am lovable, then maybe people won't leave me. People pleasers often feel guilty or scared setting and maintaining boundaries. If they say, you know what? I don't have the energy to help you move this weekend. They feel terrified that somebody's going to reject them. And it's really important for everybody, not just people pleasers, to remember to separate behaviors from people. You know, I can't help you move. I want to, you know that the me that wants to be a good, caring, helpful person, I want to, but I don't have the energy. I can't do that behavior right now. Boundaries are often very loose or absent in dysfunctional families. And it was often probably not safe to set boundaries growing up. So people pleasers often have never learned how to set and maintain those boundaries or learn that it's okay to. And people pleasers often get taken advantage of. You probably have a friend, or maybe you are a people pleaser and you can see when others take advantage because, you know, it seems so obvious, but the person who's the people. People. People pleaser has difficulty stopping. You know, they may recognize they're taking it, being taken advantage of, but they so desperately need that connection, or they so desperately fear rejection that they do it anyway. What causes it? Well, let's talk about. Why do people engage in nice behaviors anyway? When people benefit from a behavior, they're likely to repeat it. So this isn't people pleasing. This is just being nice. If I offer to help you, if I do something nice, if I agree to help you out, you know, that's pleasing to you, but I'm not necessarily doing it at my own expense. So if I do it, you know, I offer to help you move, and then when I move, you offer to help me or you offer to, you know, reciprocate in some way. That's a give and take. And so there's a reinforcement there. Or even if I offer to help you and the only thing you give back in return is gratitude, you know, that can be very rewarding for people in healthy situations. This behavior stops when it's no longer rewarding. When the relationship starts being mainly one way, when it starts being a drain constantly, then the person often in a healthy relationship will kind of put on the brakes and go, you know what? This, this is a very lopsided relationship. Relationships want to average 50, 50, you know, sometimes it's going to be 90, 10 when somebody's in crisis, but then you hope that the balance swings back when you're in crisis and they are there for you. So it averages out over time to be sort of 50. 50. What are motivations for people pleasing? Well, physical motivations. Some people may have learned to be people pleasers to stay safe. It's important to keep everybody calm. As long as other people don't get upset, then I am physically safe. Then I will get my needs met. As long as other people are calm, as long as I'm people pleasing and keeping everything status quo, then there won't be yelling all night long so I can get some sleep. As long as I keep everybody else calm, then I get to stay in my house and my, my caregivers won't go to jail and I'll go into foster care or whatever it is. So there are a lot of physical motivations for people to be people pleasers, children. It's important to remember that a lot of people learn to be people pleasers as children. And children think very dichotomously and egocentrically. They think that whatever happens revolves around them. So if caregiver is mad, depressed, overwhelmed, it must be their fault, it must be their responsibility to fix it. Children just have, that's the way they're wired. They don't learn the art of helping people take care of themselves or letting people take care of themselves until they get older. So as children, if they were in an environment where caregiver had a mental illness that was uncontrolled, where caregiver was abusing alcohol or other drugs, where there was domestic violence, whatever the case may be, if there was a toxic environment that the child grew up in, then it may have been important. They may have thought, if I can keep everybody calm, then my caregivers won't fight, or my caregivers won't drink or use or whatever, but if I don't keep everything calm, then everything's going to go to hell. And that's terrifying. Affectively, some people engage in people pleasing ostensibly to be happy. And yes, if their efforts are recognized and valued, then it may make them feel happy in the short term, but it also can be exhausting. A lot of times though, their efforts are not recognized to the extent that they feel they deserve. So instead of being happy, they end up feeling angry and resentful. Cognitively, people engage in people pleasing because somewhere along the way they were taught they were supposed to. You're supposed to make everybody else happy. And that is one of the worst messages that we teach people. And I wish we could quit teaching it because everybody is responsible for their own feelings, for their own thoughts, for their own welfare. Now, you know, it's different if we're talking about a five year old, but if we're talking about an adult or even an adolescent, it is important to allow them to be responsible for their own feelings to support them when you can. But remember that if you give to the point you're depleted and then you're not going to have anything else to give and you're actually going to end up being draining on other people. And most of us don't want to flip the script where we are the ones that are requiring a lot of input from Others. So cognitively, we've got to be a little bit more objective. Yes, we are supposed to be nice to other people, that's true. But we need to be able to take care of ourself first. Once we get our needs met, once we are recharged, once we are healthy, then we can go out and give. And I've used the analogy before of video games. When you are in video games and something happens to your character, you start losing life energy, so to speak. And you can get down to this critical point. Well, in the video game, you don't keep playing because you don't want your character to get killed. What do you do? You help your character recharge. Well, why in the world don't you do that in real life? There is nothing wrong with being helpful when you are charged, but if you allow yourself to be completely depleted of your life energy, then the game's going to be over relationally. A lot of people who are people pleasers are seeking what we call external validation. They are looking for somebody else to tell them they're okay because they can't look in the mirror and go, I'm okay. So they're seeking that external validation. They need other people to tell them that they are worthwhile. And they are terrified of abandonment. So they figure, well, if I do these things, if I engage in people pleasing, then you won't leave me. Some people, their motivation is because they want to be loved. They need that external validation and they need somebody to love them. And some of that comes from them not being able to love themselves. And so they need other people to love them. But we all want to be loved by others. So there's nothing wrong with wanting to be loved. But if the only way you feel you can be loved is for the things that you do is because you've done something for somebody that makes you lovable, then you may need to step back and take a look and remember to separate behaviors from people. People are lovable because they're people. Now, they may do really nice behaviors, and you may love the behaviors too. But you can also dislike behaviors and love people. So re examining how you conceptualize healthy relationships. And love may be something that is important in order to stop people pleasing. Some people engage in people pleasing to have others be grateful or attentive. The only way they feel like they can get attention is if they do nice things for other people. Then, hey, somebody will notice me. And it's important here. A lot of times when people feel like they just disappear if they're not actively people pleasing, they may have not actually connected with other people. They may not be communicating assertively, telling people what they need and assuming that others are constantly going to be being attentive. But, but it's important to tell people and even to do things yourself. Call somebody up. Don't just wait for them to call you. Call them up and say, hey, let's go to a movie. Some people engage in people pleasing to manipulate others into doing stuff for them. They feel like, well, if I do things for you, then when it's time, you will do the same thing for me. So if I help you move, then, then when it's time for me to move, you're going to do it. And then when it comes around time for me to move and you don't help me, I get resentful. And in terms of codependency, sometimes people engage in people pleasing to make themselves indispensable. If I do all these things for you, if I make you happy, now hear that? If I make you feel a certain way, which is not allowing somebody to have their own emotions, it's me trying to manipulate your emotions. If I make you feel happy, if I make you feel safe, then I'm indispensable. And as long as I'm the one who makes you feel that way, you won't abandon me. Think about these things and explore. If you're a people pleaser, what are your motivations for people pleasing? The impacts of people pleasing physically. Lack of sleep. A lot of people pleasers forego sleep in order to help everybody else out. And then they got to get their own laundry and everything else done. Physical stress, just running on empty all the time is exhausting. When you are not getting enough sleep and you're under physical stress, it promotes inflammation. So you're going to have increased pain affectively or emotionally and cognitively. A lot of people who are people pleasers become resentful of others. It's like I do and do and do and nobody does for me. But they're not. A lot of times they're not even asking others. They're just expecting other people to reciprocate. They feel guilty for not being able to please everyone all the time. Now there's a whole host of cognitive distortions in there. Nobody, and I know that's an extreme word, but I'm going to use it. Nobody can please everybody all the time. That's just unreasonable. So examining what you feel guilty for and looking at the facts of the situation, what aspects you actually were able to control and whether guilt and holding on to this guilt is a reasonable outcome, or if there is something that you can do to work through that guilt and let it go. A lot of people who are people pleasers are drowning in guilt. If they have to say no, it's just unbelievably difficult for them. So learning how to say no and to accept no are two really important tasks for stopping people pleasing. A lot of people who engage in people pleasing have a loss of personal purpose. They don't know what their mission is because they're so busy trying to fix and tend everybody else, they lose touch with themselves. A lot of people who are people pleasers engage in cultural conformity. They want to not make anybody unhappy or anybody angry. So they join up with what they perceive to be the majority opinion. And whether they agree with it or not, they don't even bother to check. A lot of times it's just like, well, the majority says this or this is what my family believes, therefore this is what I must believe. And so a lot of times they're inauthentic with themselves. Many people who are people pleasers are over responsible, and I mentioned this several times already, feeling responsible for controlling other people's experience, feeling responsible for making sure that everybody else is always happy. As a mother, that was one of the hardest things I had to deal with when my children would get unhappy, not fixing it for them. And I know that sounds horrible when you first hear it, but then when you think about it, it makes sense. It's important to help them figure out how to fix it for themselves. I can sit with them, I can empathize. I can, you know, be responsive and do all those, you know, things that you do in a secure relationship. But it's important not to take away somebody's pain before they're ready. It's important to let them give away their pain. It's important for them to be able to say, okay, this feeling, I'm done feeling it for right now. Environmentally, there's often a lot of tension when somebody's a people pleaser because they are hypervigilant to what everybody else needs. So that can be stressful. And then when other people don't behave the way they want, they get resentful. So then they're hyper vigilant and resentful all at the same time. Relationally, people pleasers often stay in dysfunctional relationships. They create situations where they're indispensable, where they have to be people pleasing all the time to keep the relationship going. And that's that 9010 relationship that just never seems to balance out. And they may have reduced self esteem believing that other people's unhappiness are their responsibility. People pleasers have a really difficult time accepting that sometimes people are unhappy and it has nothing to do with them and there's nothing they can do about it. How do you address it physically? I know this sounds kind of off in left field, but get enough sleep. It is easier to deal with life on life's terms when you are rested. When you get enough sleep, your body can rebalance and retune that keeps those neurotransmitters in balance and helps you have the energy and the focus and everything that you need in order to start setting those boundaries and being more interpersonally effective. Breathing. And I don't just mean your average breathing, I mean practicing deep breathing and the slow inhale for four, hold for four, exhale for four that triggers the relaxation response. So when you start feeling anxious or part of you wants to answer before you think about something. If you breathe slowly, if when somebody asks you to do something, you force yourself to take one or two slow breaths before you answer so you can get into your wise mind and you can think, do I have it in me right now? That will help you a lot. And pain management. I know that again sounds kind of weird, but when you're in pain, you're not going to sleep as well and you're going to tend to feel more irritable and unhappy and depressed. And a lot of times when people pleasers feel unhappy, they think the best medication is to please other people. And so they start in this downward spiral where they're just constantly draining their energy. Cognitively work on developing your distress tolerance skills. There is a video on that on the YouTube channel YouTube.com docsnipes the distress tolerance skills, remember are tags thoughts that are empowering and loving activities that bring you happiness or at least help distract you for a minute until you can get into your wise mind. Guided imagery that can help you go to a safe place or that helps you envision successfully completing a task like saying no to somebody and sensations smells, sights, sounds. Again, that can help you get into your wise mind. Distress tolerance skills are simply there to help you tolerate the unpleasant emotion until you can get into your wise mind and figure out okay, now what do I do about it? Address all or nothing thinking, personalization, catastrophizing and mind reading. All of these contribute to people's desire to people please. And there are videos on negative thinking styles on the YouTube channel that address all of these. Examine how people pleasing has protected you in the past and whether it is still protecting you in the present or if it's actually causing you more harm. Explore the relationships that taught you to people please. You know, how did you learn this behavior? Was that a healthy relationship? What did you learn from it and is it something that you really still want to hold on to? Or was what you learned really unhealthy and unhelpful? Process your traumas. Who taught you that you must people please to be loved and accepted? Are there any factors, perspectives of things that you might not have considered? Maybe the person who was teaching you to people please was a people pleaser themselves so they didn't know how to teach you to do anything else. How did the experience shape your beliefs about your ability to be loved, to love and trust others? What can you do to feel empowered and safe, to be authentic and to take care of yourself? And how is the need to people please influencing your health, mood, attitude and relationships today? Relationally develop security in your relationships. Be consistent with yourself. Be regularly mindful of what your needs are. Respond to your needs so you can be effective when needed. When people do need you to help and you decide yeah, you know what, I can pull it together to help this person. It's worth it to expend my energy on this. Covey refers to it as sharpening the saw. Authenticity. Enhance your self esteem and your self awareness and start becoming honest with yourself so you know what you can do and what you actually have the ability to do. So you're creating an environment that is nurturing to yourself so you are keeping your life energy high. Validation don't blame or judge yourself for what's going on. Just look at what happened and if necessary, learn from it. Encouragement Recognize your strengths and practice tragic optimism. Recognizing that everything is not always going to be great, but having hope that it will get better and safety. When you're trying to stop people pleasing, respond. Don't react. I call it beta testing. Breathe. Remember I said take a couple breaths. Get into your wise mind. Evaluate what's being asked. Think about your options and then act tentatively. So if you decide yes, you know, maybe I'll try to help this person out. Act tentatively and if you get into it and figure out that no, this is too much, that's okay. Figure out how you can step out, set and maintain boundaries and develop a support system. You can learn more about boundaries and negative thinking styles@YouTube.com docsnipes abuse neglect or unavailability of significant others can be traumatic. Whether it's when you're a child or an adult. Responding to that trauma often teaches people that people pleasing and inauthentic inauthenticity are the only ways to stay safe. People pleasing has a negative impact on everybody's health. Addressing people pleasing begins with becoming mindful of your needs, exploring whether people pleasing is in your best interest, exploring what a healthy relationship would look like for you, developing your self esteem and learning how to set and maintain boundaries such as you can be consistent, responsive, attentive, validating, encouraging and safe in your relationships. This show was produced by Hype Media group technical producer Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnelly Snipes.