Phrases to Develop Confidence and Empowerment

Great morning, everybody, and welcome to this video on 11 phrases to increase confidence and empowerment. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Now, a lot of what we're talking about today is considered cognitive restructuring. So what you're doing is taking a thought that you have that may be very accurate and retooling it so it is less extreme or more empowering. So let's take a look at some of these. Instead of saying, I have to say, this is an opportunity to learn, or I get to. And it may not feel genuine at first, but it is an opportunity, and you can embrace the good with the bad. For example, instead of I have to do laundry, I can say, I get to do laundry. And you may be going, who gets excited about doing laundry? Well, I don't think very many people do, but the fact that I have laundry to do means that I've got clothes on my back, and it means that I have the ability to wash my laundry, which not everybody does. Some people have to schlep themselves all the way to the laundromat or something. And I have a washer and dryer at my house. So I'm embracing the good with the bad. Yeah, it sucks. I hate doing laundry, but I get to do it. I get to do it in my house. And generally, when it's time to start folding stuff, I get to do it while I watch tv, which is, you know, one of my favorite things to do. So I'm increasing empowerment by recognizing I'm not forced to be doing anything. I don't. I actually don't have to do my laundry. I can just let it sit there. Then I have to buy new clothes or wear nasty stuff. But recognizing that we get to do things, we have the opportunity to do things, but we don't necessarily have to do anything. There are very few things that you actually have to do. Now, if you don't do them, there may be significant negative consequences, but you do have a choice. The next one is I won't, instead of I can't. And in this situation, you are identifying that you may be able to do something, but you're choosing not to. To I won't be able to help you move this weekend instead of I can't help you. Well, I may be able to help you move this weekend, but I'm making a choice not to, so I won't is me owning it and saying, I have the ability. But now you can say, I can't sometimes, because sometimes you just can't. And it can be helpful when you say, I can't to provide an alternative. I can't help you move this weekend. I. However, I can help you move two weeks from now. Use I'll try instead of I can't. A lot of times, whether it was when I was helping my children with their homeschooling or when I was working with employees or even with clients, people would approach something that they hadn't done before or that was scary or seemed overwhelming, and their initial response was, oh, I can't do that. Well, you may not have the tools yet, but I believe you can. And so using I'll try means that I'm going to step outside my comfort zone, I'm going to take a chance, and I'm going to try to do something that I'm not sure whether I can do or not. And that's important to getting empowerment, because every time you dip your toe outside that comfort zone and you succeed, it broadens that comfort zone. So the next time you dip your toe out, you're actually stepping a little further. I will or I won't, instead of I should or I shouldn't. Should and shouldn't are judgment statements. They are not action statements. So instead of saying I should do this or I shouldn't do that, because there's a lot of things I think I should or shouldn't do. What. What am I going to do? Take a decisive action. I will do this today or I won't do it today. End of story. Try. What can I learn from this? Instead of, why is this happening to me? Yeah, crap happens. Life will throw you lemons and it feels awful sometimes. However, you can choose the victim stance where you feel completely powerless, like the lemons are just, you know, hitting you in the face and overwhelmed. Or you can say, all right, this is really unpleasant. What can I learn from this? How can I learn how to block those lemons before they hit me in the face? Or instead of saying, I failed. All right, we all fail at things, and it's important to focus on the specifics and not use global statements like, I am a failure. Say I failed at whatever it is. Alrighty, we all fail. So what can I learn from this? And I think it was Thomas Jefferson, but you know how the Internet misquotes people all the time. But some really smart person once said that when you fail, all you've done is learn one more way not to do it. And I kind of chuckle to myself when I fail at things and remember that saying, or what can I learn from this? Instead of nurturing guilt or anger? Learning and nurturing both take energy and it's important to ask yourself, how do you want to use your energy to move toward your rich and meaningful life? What can you learn from it? The next one is because I did that in the future I will blah instead of I shouldn't have. Well, maybe you shouldn't have, but you did. And you can't change the past. So instead of dwelling on that and beating yourself up with a litany of shoulds and nurturing that guilt, say, all right, that was a mistake and because I did that something that I don't think was appropriate in the future, I will so learning, taking that energy and instead of putting it towards guilt, towards beating yourself up, towards reducing your self esteem and reducing your confidence, use it to build yourself up. Say I learned one more thing today. The next one I regret not doing X and in the future I will. Instead of if I had only said I was sorry. If I had only studied this instead of studying that. If I had only we can if onlys until the cows come home. However, living in regret is not going to move you forward. It's just going to drain your energy. You can get stuck. Get your car stuck in the mud and you can say if only I hadn't turned off the paved road and I wouldn't have gotten stuck. Well, yeah, that's true. However, saying if only is like staying stuck in that mud and just revving the engines and digging deeper. It's not helping you at all. So instead, problem solve. I regret doing this. I regret whatever, whatever it is I did. And in the future instead, I will do this. So I'm going to learn from it. A lot of empowerment and confidence comes from being able to embrace mistakes and failures as learning opportunities and divert that energy from being angry, feeling threatened, or scared that you're going to be rejected. Using that energy to move forward, to grow, to become stronger. Help us continue to make practical tools available to everyone by supporting the channel. You can donate any amount@docsnipes.com donate or on cash app Snipes. You can become a member of the YouTube channel and get perks@docsnipes.com join. You can purchase a super thanks on any video you particularly like. Or if you're a counselor and you need continuing education, you can get it through allce.com now back to those phrases. The next one how can I simplify this instead of oh, this is too complicated. Most of us run into situations that feel overwhelming. I think of even something like putting together Furniture. You open the box and there's these diagrams and there's like 167 pieces. And my eyes just kind of roll back into my head. It's just completely overwhelming. And so the question is, if you have to do it, how can you simplify it? And a lot of times for me, it means getting all of the pieces out and organizing them so I know where all of the pieces are and I know what bolt number 123A is, so I can easily find it. And once I have everything organized, it seems a lot less complicated. Along with that, a lot of times things that need to be simplified also feel overwhelming. So how can I chunk this instead of it's overwhelming or I don't even know where to begin? Think about doing a puzzle or putting together the furniture. But we'll use a different analogy here. Think about doing a puzzle. When you dump out those thousand pieces, it's kind of overwhelming. You're like, where do I even start? And everybody has their own for, for putting puzzles together. Most people, I think, start out by turning over all the pieces so they're right side up. Step one. And then some people will put together the frame. Other people, not so much. They'd rather group things by color. Whatever your method is, it's a chunk. So you do one part and then you can take a break. You can feel like you've accomplished something. You can do the next part, Take a break, feel like you've accomplished something. When I was working on my dissertation, it was the same way my advisor told me, do 15. If it just feels completely overwhelming to get this chapter done, do 15. Do it for 15 minutes. And if you're still feeling overwhelmed and foggy headed and everything else, do something else. Don't continue to beat your head into the wall. But a lot of times, once I got started, it was easier. And when I chunked things, it was easier. Instead of saying, I've got to write my dissertation, I would say I have to write the first three pages of chapter four today or, or whatever it was. And that made it easier and, and less overwhelming. How can I change the way I respond to or approach this instead of this is hopeless. A lot of times when we feel hopeless, it's because we either don't have the tools that we need to accomplish something so we have to learn how to do it, or we feel completely overwhelmed and we're responding the same way. You keep trying to do the same thing to solve the problem. And again, another quote that I don't know who actually Said it. But the definition of insanity is continuing to do the same thing over and over and expecting different results. And that's kind of what we're talking about too. A lot of times when people feel hopeless, they've been trying to solve the problem the same way repeatedly and failing repeatedly. So instead of saying this is hopeless, stepping back, getting curious, say how can I change the way I respond to or approach this, how can I solve the problem differently? Or maybe the problem can't be solved, so how can I change the way I respond? Some things that can't be solved, instead of holding on to that anger and nurturing that anger, that you cannot change it, that it can't be solved, what's a better use for your energy in that situation? The next one I would really like you to. Or it would really help me if you would fill in the blank. Instead of expecting people to mind read. A lot of times when we expect people to mind read, we feel less confident they don't read our mind. So they don't meet our needs. And that means they must not love us or they must not care, or there must be something wrong with us. No, it means they couldn't read your frickin mind. So it's important to examine whether you're actually communicating your needs with people. And even if you've been in a relationship with somebody for 20 years or you're talking about your kids who you've seen grown up since, you know, they were infants, you still can't read their mind. And it's important to recognize that and, and not expect them to read your mind. So if you want them to clean something up or call when they're going to be late or whatever it is, don't assume that just because you think you would do it that they that's right on the forefront of their mind. You're going to feel more empowered in your relationships and more confident in your relationships and feel more able to get your needs met. If you actually assertively communicate what you need, imagine that instead of saying I'm an idiot, which a lot of us do, or I'm stupid or whatever, say I do not know how to do this, or I made a mistake when I did this. Yeah, when we make a mistake, we may feel embarrassed, we may feel the word. I don't like stupid. But it's important to recognize that that's not us, it's a behavior. What we did may have been not the smartest thing to do in the world. What we did may have been a mistake, but not to globally lump it in. Not to say I'm a good person or I'm a bad person based on our behaviors. Instead of I am a horrible person saying I made a mistake when I, when, when I bit your head off yesterday, that was not a kind thing to do and that was a horrible behavior. I'm not a horrible person. I engaged in a horrible behavior and I'm apologizing for it. Or instead of I am completely unlovable saying maybe you broke up with somebody or a relationship ended, I am incompatible with that person or that person was not able to love me. A lot of times in relationships it takes two to tango. And it's not about your goodness or lovableness as a person or theirs. It's about often, usually about behaviors that make you oil and water make you incompatible. So it's important to recognize that most of the time when relationships don't work out, it's not because of you or because of them, it's because you were incompatible. Or instead of saying I'm unlovable, saying there are behaviors I don't like about myself. Behaviors can be changed. So it's important to recognize if there are things about yourself, ways you respond that you don't like most of the time there are ways to address those things, whether it's behaviors or maybe you don't like your hair color. Well, okay, you can change your hair color. There's a lot of things that can be changed. Now, if you think that your lovability is based on your hair color, that's a whole different video. But what I'm trying to get through to you is that we want to focus on what is specific and changeable and get away from these global helpless, powerless victim statements. Feeling powerless increases anxiety and depression. And when you feel powerless, you lack confidence. A confident person, you know, think about bunny rabbits. A bunny rabbit doesn't exude confidence. When they get feel threatened, they run away. They are a prey animal. They are very powerless. And you want to be the lion, you don't want to be the bunny rabbit. So feeling powerless increases anxiety and depression. It's important to recognize you're not going to be perfect. Hang it up. When you start to feel distress, when you start to feel powerless or less confident, examine the situation and your response in context. If I go to a conference of megaminds in the field of psychology, yeah, I'm gonna feel relatively ignorant and that's okay. That means I have a lot to learn. There's a lot that they can teach me. So I can feel bad about myself. I can feel unconfident and disempowered and meek and kind of slink away. Or I can say, wow, I am really less in the know than some of these people and I can learn a lot from them. Same thing. If you feel overwhelmed, what is that saying? If I'm saying I feel overwhelmed, I'm saying it feels like there's too much to do. And remember, feelings are not facts. Now there could be a lot of facts there that say there's a lot to do, but that's when you drop back and say, okay, there is a lot to do. Here's a list. Now let me chunk it and figure out, you know, where to start. Choose action words. Not should, not, shouldn't, not, coulda, woulda, but I will, I won't. I did not focus on what is specific and changeable. And, and that's true about people and situations, not just yourself. A person may do a bad thing, a situation may be really unpleasant, but you want to make sure that you don't over generalize something and as the saying goes, throw the baby out with the bathwater and recognize low confidence and powerlessness as a defense against the threat of failure or rejection or a response to a chaotic environment. You learned to feel powerless. You learned to to feel less than confident. Where did that come from? And is it accurate now in the present, in this context, at this time, are you powerless? Are you unable to meet your needs and stay safe? Is it dangerous to be rejected? Is it dangerous to make a mistake? And I hope the answer to those things is no. So ultimately with cognitive restructuring, we are taking what is and we're stepping back and using fact based, action based approaches to reconceptualizing things in order to help us solve the problem.