Positive Parenting and Behavior Modification

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this presentation on positive parenting and behavior modification. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. In this presentation, we're going to define positive parenting, review the developmental stages of children, just real high level overview, briefly explore some basic principles of behavior modification, and then talk about how to use these principles within the context of of positive parenting. So positive parenting requires an environment that nurtures secure attachment. And if you've watched my videos before, you may be familiar with the mnemonic device craves consistency, responsiveness, attention, validation, encouragement and support. So the first one is consistency. We need to be consistent. Our kids need to know when they come to us what to expect. They we don't want them hanging out there going, well, I don't know if I should tell them this because I don't know if I'm going to get Jekyll or I'm going to get Hide. You know, I don't know how my parents are going to react. We want to be as consistent as possible. And that's not always easy because sometimes they come to us with doozies and it's incumbent upon us to be able to take a step back and go, okay, I got this. One of the ways I suggest doing that is through a practice I call beta. First is breathe. Second, evaluate the facts. T talk to the child and or others about what's going on and a act tentatively. So then choose a course of action and if it produces the results you want, great, keep doing it. And if it doesn't, then drop back and, and adjust. So sometimes when something happens and your kid comes to you with, you know, some big news, you may get a little bit distressed. Taking a few breaths in, slow breaths in. Hold for four and then exhale slowly. That will help down regulate your HPA axis so you can get into what we call your wise mind and think a little bit more clearly. So you're going to be acting instead of reacting to what they've told you. So you want to act on instead of react to. That's the first thing E stands for. Evaluate the facts. Figure out exactly what you know, not what you fear, not what you assume. But what do you know in this situation? What are the actual facts about what's going on? T. Talk. Well, talk to your children, talk to the child about what's going on in this situation. What are you trying to tell me? What are the facts that I need to know? You might also need to t talk to other people, like any other partners in the caregiving process or colleagues or Consultants that can help you figure out, okay, how do we deal with this if they're having a problem at school? T may also stand for, you know, talking to the principal and then a with once you have the facts in hand and you've talked to the people that you need to talk to, then you act, you handle it. And a lot of times this happens in, you know, a few seconds to a couple of minutes. It's not a really long, drawn out process. But, but other times, because there are other people involved, it may take some more time. But beta can really help you evaluate what's going on. Just like beta testing software, you evaluate what's going on and your approach and then you can adjust as needed. We need to be responsive to be for positive parenting, we need to be responsive to our children. Every child is unique and every child is wonderfully unique. Every child is born without knowing how to respond to the world. They are not born with coping skills, they're not born with mindfulness, they're not born with all that other stuff. So this is where we have the opportunity to teach, which is why consistency is important. We need to be able to be mindful in our wise mind. We when our child is engaging with us so we can help model for them. What do you need to do? What would be helpful? If we're freaking out, we're going to have a hard time deescalating them. We're going to have a hard time communicating to them what needs to go on. So we want to be able to teach them mindfulness. We can teach them beta. You know, for even small children can learn how to breathe. Even small children can learn tell me about it and you know, facts versus fiction. That gets a little hazy sometimes, but children can learn to tell you, you know, truthfully what's going on. Children can learn that talking is okay, they're communicating with you, telling you what's wrong, so you can help them with mindfulness. You're also helping them learn how to develop their emotional intelligence. You're learning, you're helping them learn how to label emotions and understand a little bit more about where they're coming from. We need to be responsive so we can teach distress tolerance skills. And mindfulness and distress tolerance often kind of go hand in hand, especially with kids. They come to you that something bad happened at school or on the playground ground or their brother or sister did something. There's. It's usually a crisis when you are really working on those distress tolerance skills. But it's important for us to be able to Model for them. You know, consistency. We're not going to get super frazzled. We're going to take a breath. We're going to, you know, get down, kneel down, or sit down with them and talk to them. But we're also going to model that breathing for them. So if we're taking a breath, we can say, let's take a couple of breaths and figure out what's going on. So you're modeling and you're working with them to help them learn this very basic downregulation skill. You can also practice distress tolerance skills when you're talking with them during this mindfulness distress tolerance phase. When you're talking with them about what's going on. You know, you may talk about strategies for, okay, what can you do in order to tolerate this unpleasant feeling right now, you know, besides hitting or, or, or crying or whatever it is that they're doing? Not that crying's bad. We have the ability during this time to teach coping and problem solving skills as well as dialectics. And we're going to talk about unconditional positive regard in a minute, but this is a great time that we can help them see the difference between a behavior and them. So maybe you did something I didn't like. I did not like that behavior, and I love you, so I can dislike your behavior and love you at the same time. We're starting to help them see that things that seem in opposition can go together and that can help them a lot in life. They fail at something at school and they come home and you can talk about the dialectics that, okay, you failed your math test. That that's not a great thing. That's unfortunate. We'll need to talk about how to fix that or how to help you, you know, develop the skills you need so you can path pass math class. And let's also talk about the things that went well, okay? So we're not going to focus only on the negative. And that's a really crucial point in positive parenting. Too often as parents, the only time they hear from us is when something's wrong, when they haven't done the dishes, when they get a bad grade, when they do this or that. It is crucial in positive parenting to highlight the positive. So yes, we acknowledge the unpleasant things that happen, even the negative things that happen. We deal with those. We acknowledge them as unpleasant or not. Okay? But we also at the same time recognize and help the child recognize the other positive things, the other strengths they have, the other positive qualities they have, and the fact that they Are not their behaviors. They are lovable. Their behaviors may be unpleasant, but they are lovable. So, so we want to start helping them understand those things because then they start getting a more multidimensional view of the world and they don't focus and hone in on just one thing and over generalize and say, oh, I failed that test, I'm a failure. No, you're not a failure. Yes, you failed the test. Yes, you're struggling in math, but you're not a failure. And during this time, we're also teaching communication skills. We're teaching the child how to identify feelings, how to articulate what's going on with words so we can understand, we can help them. We're teaching them to communicate what they need instead of expecting mind reading. Those are all great things. We're also teaching them to communicate empathy and respect. We are giving them the opportunity to express what's going on and we're not cutting them off. You know, we're taking that opportunity to take turns talking, to listen, to hear all those things that we want them to do. We are in the position to do so. Consistency and responsiveness, attention. And yeah, this doesn't have a whole lot of little subcategories under it. Positive parenting means not being a reactive parent. What I mean by that is only being engaged with your child when something is wrong or something needs to be done. Attentive parenting is positive and proactive. You set aside positive time, family movie nights, family dinner, whatever it is that encourages interaction between people in the family. It also highlights that child's strengths and interests and things. So you go do things that are fun together, you create happy memories, you create positive experiences between you. That's very important. So the child recognizes, hey, this person actually likes me. Yeah, they love me, they have to love me, they're my parent, whatever that they may say. But they also realize that you like them, you enjoy spending time with them and that does a lot for self esteem demon children. Validation is next. You don't have to agree with them, but acknowledging how they feel about a situation. Children don't have the wealth of experience that we do. You know, they have been on this planet, you know, way less time than we have. So what is a big deal to a 5 or a 15 year old, may not be a huge big deal to a 35 year old, but to them it's catastrophic. And we need to validate where they're coming from. Recognize, empathize with how much it hurts or what it feels like and then say, okay, you Know, we're validating how they feel. It is how they feel is what it is. I'm not telling you it's right or wrong. I'm just telling you your feelings are your feelings. Then we move on to encouragement. How can you improve the next moment? What can we do to address this situation? And in the encouragement place, we provide structure to guide children's choices, to promote their health and safety. We don't do everything for them. We encourage them to start being independent to a certain extent, you know, as developmentally appropriate. And we'll talk about that in a minute. But we enable children to start making some decisions we recognize. And I know I said this earlier, but I'll say it again, we recognize the positive and we encourage youth if they do something good, telling them regularly for, you know, no apparent reason sometimes how awesome they are, you know, we like to hear it. They probably like to hear it too. So recognizing the positive and recognizing the little things they do. I came home from work the other day and I had gotten out of the house in a real rush, so I hadn't made my bed, and my daughter made my bed for me. I acknowledged that, you know, was it a huge, big thing? No. But it was a nice gesture that she did. And I. So I showed my appreciation. And you use scaffolding with encouragement to promote growth and development of self efficacy. Remember, self efficacy is the belief that somebody can do something. Scaffolding is super important. Just like scaffolding helps people get to the next level so they can, you know, wash the next level of windows or whatever. Think of scaffolding on a building. Scaffolding and behavior means providing just enough support to help the person get the job done. You're letting them do as much as they can all by themselves, but then giving them that extra boost when they need it. And I usually use the example of when my son was learning to tie his shoes, because most people have taught somebody to tie their shoes or they remember learning how. A lot of times we use scaffolding with that and don't even realize it. First we show them how to do it, and then we start out and we teach them to crisscross the laces. Okay. Once they can do that on their own, then if they can go the next step, great. You say, okay, now what's next? You crisscrossed your laces. If they remember to make the bunny ear, which is what we called it. I don't know what you call it. Great. That's awesome. So let them do it and then say okay, what's the next step? And when you get to a place where they can't remember what to do, that's when you give them a little hint or help out through the rest of the process. And then the next time they put on their shoes, you know, hopefully they will get up to at least that point and maybe a little bit farther. So you're there supporting them. You're kind of the wind at their back until they need that really big gust to push them the rest of the way. And scaffolding can be. Take a lot of forms, whether it is encouraging them to take on things at school and helping them, as, you know, the same way, let them do as much as they can, then pitch in to help get them the rest of the way. There. There are a lot of ways that you can use it. And finally, support with unconditional positive regard and encouragement and support are two different things. Encouragement is saying, all right, you can do this. You've got this. What's the next thing you're cheerleading? You're helping people recognize their strength and their courage and maybe even get out of their comfort zone. Support. I think about more in terms of being that safe home base that they know they can return to if things go terribly wrong. It is a safe. Well, just what I said, a safe home base. And this is where the unconditional positive regard comes in. So we encourage children, for example, to try out for drama or try out for football or whatever it is. And if that doesn't happen, if they don't get the part or they don't make the team, they come home. And this is where they can get support, they can get comfort, because you know that it doesn't feel good to fail. It never does, but it's one of those things in life. So this is where they learn how to handle failure and challenges and recognize that they're still loved. So let's talk about those developmental stages really quick. And the reason for that is because behavior equals communication. And a lot of times children's behavior seems oppositional, resistant, defiant. But what is actually going on is they may be communicating that they don't understand or maybe they don't remember, because a lot of times parents assume, caregivers assume that children remember a whole lot more than they actually do. So we need to be cognizant of their developmental level and their cognitive needs. Some children, like those with adhd, for example, or who are on the autism spectrum or have fetal alcohol spectrum issues, may not be able to remember multiple requests in, you know, In a row. You may have to give them one at a time or write them down, but I'll get to that later. Understanding behavior often requires understanding the child's developmental capabilities and tasks. Two main players here, Piaget and Erikson. The big takeaways you want to get from Piaget is up till age two. So during those toddler years there is. The child often doesn't have object permanence, which means when something disappears under a rug or in the closet or you know, out, out the door, it's gone to them and they'll probably be surprised when it comes back, which is one of the reasons they love peekaboo so much. So object permanence develops by the age of two, but that is one of those issues where we see a lot of children with separation anxiety around this time because they still are trying to figure out if mom walks out that door or grandma walks out that door, is she coming back? And that makes sense, you know, when you understand it from the children child's perspective, it's easier to understand why they might fuss. You know, if they are separated, if they have anxiety, if they cry or what do they get? Well, hopefully they get comfort and they may even get that caregiver to come back which, you know, kind of, which rewards that behavior. Then they say, okay, you know, things are good and it's not that they're trying to be manipulative, they're scared. Somewhere back in their primitive brain they know that as a two year old they can't make it on their own. They know they need their caregiver. Between two and seven is the beginning of concrete thought. Children can figure solve problems, but a lot of times it's very tactile. They need blocks to do or they benefit from blocks to do, math problems, they draw things, they use manipulatives a lot because they have a hard time envisioning things in their brain and using abstract thought. It's very concrete, very tangible. At this age they're also egocentristic. And to that end they perceive that everybody interprets things the way they do, everybody sees things the way they do, and everybody understands things the way they do. And that's just how they're wired. That's not, you know, a character defect. That's just how children are wired at that point in time. So if they're scared, they, they feel like everybody else is scared. If they are unhappy, they don't, they may not understand why other people aren't unhappy too. So we need to explore what's going on with them. But we also need to recognize that part of ecosystem. Egocentrism means that children often take things very personally. If something bad happens, they may blame themselves because maybe they told their, their parent or their friend, I hate you. And then something bad happened to that person. They may feel like they brought it on that person by saying, I hate you. There's some magical thinking, some other stuff that goes on during this period, but they take it very personally, and that can be very traumatic for a lot of children. And finally, centration is the third major issue cognitively during this period, which means they can only focus on one aspect of a situation at a time. If their parents are getting divorced, for example, they can only focus on one aspect of that situation. A lot of children at that age tend to believe that it's their fault that their parents are getting divorced or they feel bad, they're angry, they may feel like they caused it in some way. That's that egocentric thinking. But also focusing on one thing, it's, you're getting divorced. You know, one caregiver is moving out. We do want to recognize this, and it doesn't mean that we have to totally accept it and say, yep, that's, you just won't understand. But it's important to recognize that a lot of their distress may come from their misunderstandings of situations or inability to process it in the same way as someone who's older. Beginning at about age 11, children start being able to embrace more abstract thought. Additionally, during this period, there are psychosocial tasks that must be completed. During infancy, the child develops trust. They learn to trust their own intuition. They learn to trust their caregiver is going to care for them. In their toddlerhood, they develop autonomy. This is a lot of times around potty training. You can get very Freudian and look at his stages with it, but this is when the child starts being able to assert what they want and they want to start dressing themselves. So we as caregivers need to structure their choices. So, okay, they can choose their own clothes, but they're going to choose something that's appropriate. So during the middle of winter, we take their summer clothes out of the closet so they're not even tempted to choose their, their bathing suit to wear. Initiative is the next stage. And this is more kind of your elementary school years. The child is learning to try things out. And if they try things out and it they get in trouble, if they are discouraged from taking initiative, then they may feel guilty and they may become very withdrawn and reactive. The next stage is industry. And this is where the child, you know, this is still later elementary, middle school age age where the child is figuring out that they're good at things, they're trying different things, they're finding that they succeed at some and they fail at others. And finally high school and somewhat in college is identity. And this is where the person starts to figure out who they are and individuate. They start to separate and figure out what is it that I want, what is it that I need, what are my thoughts, wants and needs. And you know, as children, they've always talked about that. But in the teenage years, as you may remember, you know, there's a definite difference in the approach to developing identity. And a lot of times youth try on multiple different Personas before they find one that truly fits. You know, sometimes parents will say that their teenager is going through a stage and that's expected, that's normal. Because they're trying to figure out ultimately who they are and what they stand for when they become adults. You can also, for a lot more in depth information on challenges at each stage of development and how to address them, you can look at the child and adolescent development video by all CEUs on YouTube, the Child Development 101 video series on YouTube by all CEUs and the Adverse Childhood Experiences video on all CEUs. Now why did I put that last one in there? Because as you will see, a lot of times, behavior, especially, especially aggressive or anxious behavior has some roots in a sense of a lack of safety. So the child is trying to get comfort, they're trying to get away from something that's scary. They're trying to get safe in some way. So we do need to recognize this. Not every child has adverse childhood experiences, but a lot do. And we want to be so sensitive to that end. Clear communication is essential to help children know what you want and how to do it. Going into their room and saying, this room's a pigsty, clean it up, okay? Their definition of clean it up may be very different than yours. And pigsty doesn't tell them what your issues are with it. They just that you're. All it tells them is that you're unhappy with it. Because they may look around and see completely different things than you do. Use your words. When you are trying to change a behavior or get them to do something, you're setting a goal for them. So make it specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, and time limited. So when you're using your words to explain to them what you want, be very specific. You Walk into their room and it's, quote, a disaster area. All right, what does that mean? So what is a clean room look like? I want you to have your bed made. I want you to have all of the excess stuff. Anything that doesn't belong on top of the flat surfaces needs to be put away. The flat surfaces need to be dusted, the floor needs to be swept. The dirty clothes in the laundry hamper. Very specific tasks that the child can check and say, yes, it's done or no, it's not. That is the first step in gaining more compliance because the child knows, in our house, I don't know if you've ever been in. Well, you probably have been in a store like Target or Walmart. And on the back of the bathroom door, there's a checklist for the associates that clean the bathroom, that. To make sure that they remember to stock the toilet paper and, you know, do the other things. Well, we did that in our house. When my children were growing up, we had a checklist on the back of each door for the bathroom and the bedrooms and stuff. So the child who was responsible for cleaning that room knew what was expected. When they were much younger, before they could read very well, I would go through their room and I would clean it to how I wanted it to be clean, and then I would take a picture of it and I would blow that picture up. So it was like 8 by 10, so they didn't have to strain to see it. And that's what would be on the back of the door. So they would be expected to clean the room to match that. So they knew what they were going for. And it's important not to make it too difficult. When they were little, for example, they had lots of toys. So instead of having lots of toys lined up on shelves, we had bins. And their Tinker toys went in one bin, Their Legos went in another bin, their action figures went in another bin. It was very easy sorting, which was developmentally appropriate for. For them at the time. There was no need to get, you know, granular in the sorting. Resistance often means they fear failure. They're afraid if they even try, it's not going to be good enough. You're going to yell at them, so what's the point? You're going to yell at them anyway. They may not know how to do what you want because they don't understand. They're looking around going, it looks fine to me, Ma. I don't. I don't know what your issue is. And it's not that they're being trite. Sometimes they may just not see the same things that you do. Or they may not believe that the benefits outweigh the drawbacks. They're like, ah, I don't have to do that because there's no consequences for it. You know, she's, or she'll get upset for a few minutes and then it'll be over. And playing staying here with my friends and playing my video games is far more rewarding. Would you like to think that children from the time they are born are less egocentric than that? No, it's, it's, that's not how it is. Children, especially younger children, but even older people sometimes get stuck in that place of I'm going to do what makes me happiest, doesn't matter how other people feel. So we want to help people develop empathy and respect along the way and help them see that why it's important to participate as part of the family. And we're going to get there. So again, communicating to youth about what you want them to do. Be specific. Give observable, measurable examples. Checklists are great. So you can go in and you can check off, or they can show you a checklist and say, see, I did everything. Measurable kind of goes with that checklist. It's done or it's not achievable. Is it something that they're actually capable of doing? You know, if you're giving them something that is developmentally not something that they're able to do yet, then it may be too challenging. Like, you know, a five year old probably isn't developmentally able to, to wash, you know, do laundry. And you don't want them messing with those kind of chemicals either at that age. But so you want to give them something that's developmentally appropriate and relevant and give them a time. If you say, this room's a mess, clean it up. Well, does that mean clean it up right now? Does that mean clean it up before I go to bed? Or does that mean clean it up at some point before three weeks from Tuesday? And children may kind of use that philosophy. They don't have the same sense of time that we do. So it's important to give them a deadline. I need it done by dinner time. So let's talk about behavior modification. The primary. When we're talking about positive parenting, we're really wanting to focus on the positive. So you want to start out with rewards. If you reward the positive, then there's going to be less motivation to engage in other stuff in order for something to be rewarding, it has to be rewarding to the person, though not what you think would be rewarding. You can say, oh, you do this, I'll. We'll go out to dinner this weekend. Well, that may be something that you'd like as a reward, but is it something the child wants as a reward? So it's important for the child to identify what the reward. What is rewarding to them. And you can have a leveled reward system. So for small tasks, for daily tasks, whatever, there's, you know, a level one reward. And then for bigger things, there might be a level, a level two reward. Like if you're going to grandma's house and visiting for the entire weekend, and they've got to hold it together, then there may be a level two reward on, on Monday when they get. Or Sunday night when they get home, because that's a long time to try to hold it together and adjust to an entire new environment and different activities and being out of their routine. Are the rewards frequent enough and sufficient? We'll talk about behavior strain in a minute. But if you're not giving rewards frequently enough, then it may not keep the child motivated. And younger children have much shorter memories than older children, which is why younger children, we do star charts. So they're getting a star every day of the week, hopefully, and then at the end of the week. So a level one reward is a star. And at the end of the week, if they have at least five stars, then they may get a level two reward, like extra video game time or going to the park or whatever it is for that child. But it's important to make sure those rewards are frequent enough and, and again, they're rewarding. Not every child finds any benefit in those stars. We used a token economy in when my kids were growing up, and when they did certain tasks, instead of getting a star, we got these little plastic tokens at the party store. And they would get tokens, and they would be able to spend their tokens on different things that they wanted, whether it be video game time or going to the park or, um, those were the two big ones for, for my kids. Um, but each one cost a certain amount of tokens. So they were learning how to handle money, and they didn't even realize it. And they were also able to choose their rewards. Rewarding increases a behavior. Anything. Anytime you reward a behavior, you're increasing the likelihood that it's going to happen again. Kind words and look at love languages, you know, go back, you know, acts of service, words of Affirmation, physical touch. You know, sometimes just a hug is a reward. Review the quality time. And there's one more. And gifts. So those are the five love languages, and those are awesome to use for rewards, but it depends on what your child's love language is. If they are not a huggy type of, then hugs are not a rewarding reward for them. Make sure the rewards are frequent, sufficient, and rewarding to the child. When it comes to punishments, punishments reduce the likelihood that a behavior is going to occur again, because punishments are unpleasant, punishments can take the form of taking away something the child likes, like their phone or their video games, or adding something that they don't like. When my son was very little, he didn't like going to the store. You know, it was just one of those things. He didn't like having to sit still and go to the store. And one day we were at the store and he acted out particularly heinously. And I said, okay, fine, we're not going to finish this shopping trip. And I got him out of the buggy and I took him home. Now, that's what he wanted. So that was rewarding. However, he was old enough where he understood that when we went back that evening after his daddy came home, the he was told that if you act up, you're going to go sit outside with daddy in the heat. And my son hated the heat. And we lived in Florida, it was summer. And then that very quickly changed his attitude. The point of bringing his dad along with us was so I had someone to reinforce, to carry out the punishment because obviously, you know, I couldn't be shopping and sitting out in the heat with them at the same time. Now, I guess theoretically I could have taken him out. We could have sat until he decided he was going to behave and then go back inside, could have done that, but that's not how it ended up happening. The other punishment he had, because we lived on a farm, he would go out, have to go out and pick up sticks. If he misbehaved, sticks were bad for the lawnmower. So he would have to go out and pick up sticks for 10 or 20 minutes. You know, we'd give him a time limit. But again, it was in the heat and he really didn't like doing that. So that was. Those were two of the easiest ways to get him to change, Change his behavior and get motivated to do what I want him to do. However, children can develop learned helplessness if to them it seems like no matter what they do, they get in trouble, they can't win, you're not happy with them, you're going to criticize, then they may just give up trying. So it's important to pick your battles. My daughter, when she does the. The dishes, she does the dishes. She does them just fine. She puts them away. She puts them away just fine. But she doesn't do it the way I like it done. I like all of my Pyrex wear with the lids on top of it so I don't have to search for lids. I like my silverware sorted by pattern. We have two different patterns of silverware, little OCD things that I have, and it drives me a little batty when it's not done that way. However, it's not worth it to me to criticize her for that. I'm grateful that she's doing it and she's doing it. She's doing her best. So instead of, you know, nitpicking, I chose to let that. That battle go. It is important to check how often you're being cons giving constructive feedback sometimes and whether the constructive feedback you're giving is even necessary. There's another mnemonic I use sometimes. It's called think what you're saying. Is it truthful? You know, okay, obviously in this case, we're hoping it is. Is it helpful? Well, a lot of times as parents, we have helpful things we want to say, so we'll assume it's both truthful and helpful. Are we saying it in a way that's inspirational, that's going to encourage them, that's going to make them feel stronger or more excited, or are we discouraging them? So that's where you start having to say, well, is it worth even going there right now? So truthful, helpful, inspirational. N stands for necessary. Is it something that has to be said? Is it going to make a big difference in the world if we don't approach this issue? And if the answer is no, it's not going to make a big difference, then let it go. And finally, if it is truthful, helpful, and necessary, then say it in a way that's as inspirational as possible. That's an encouraging and supportive as possible and as kind as possible. So K stands for kind. Communication is also important in behavior modification. We need to make sure that the child understands what we want them to do and they heard it. So I have expressed and received here. When we communicate to a child, we can talk until we're blue in the face, but if they are, you know, watching the crickets or distracted by Dora the explorer or whatever, Else, then it's falling on deaf ears. And they may not be able to filter out those extraneous stem stimuli, not because anything's wrong with them, not because they're add, but because they're kids. So we do want to make sure that we minimize the distractions. We get them to give, give us their eyes so we know that they're paying attention. We want to express what we need to say. We want to make sure that they understand it. When they're little, even you can have them repeat it back to you. So what is it that you're going to go do? I'm going to go take out the garbage. Cool. Exactly. We want to make sure they understand. If you're asking a child, especially a younger child, to do multiple things, you know, not just take out the garbage, but take out the garbage, check the mail and let the dog in, you know, that's three different requests, and that's a lot for a child to remember. So you may need to write it down for them. You can get a little dry erase board and write it down for them and say, okay, I want you to do these three things that's possible. Or have them come back to you after each task and you can give them the next one. Consistency. Make sure you're not using empty threats. If you say, if you do this, then I will and they do it and you don't, then they're not going to believe that a punishment actually is going to come. And we can talk about different, different schedules of reward and punishment and that sort of thing. And there are benefits and drawbacks to all kinds. But when we're talking about parenting children, we want to be consistent. If we say we're going to do something, we need to follow through. Now, in line with or in addition to just rewarding behavior or punishing behavior, you can provide competing responses or redirection. If a child is struggling, if they're angry and they want to scream, you know, give them something and it's not an appropriate place to scream, then give them something appropriate to do. If they are sitting in church or sitting in the car and they're getting antsy and they're starting to bounce around and be disruptive, okay, we don't want them to do that. So give them something else to do that redirects their attention, ideally something that they can't do and be disruptive at the same time. The Premack principle mean is combines things that you like with things that you don't like. So, for example, when we used to put Away laundry. My son and I would do it together and we would get out the, the drawers and as we would put the socks together, we would see who could make the most baskets with their socks. I would be doing our socks and he would be doing his socks. So it was something we did together. It was a fun little activity. And you know, if you missed the, if you missed the drawer, then it was a, you know, a big deal. And, and it was a very fun game that we could play. So it didn't feel as much like cleaning. We tried to make it fun as possible. Extinction is what happens when there's not enough reward for a behavior. You make a New Year's resolution that you're going to go to the gym every day, and then by February, not so much. Well, that behavior quickly got extinguished because there wasn't enough reward there. There was too much strain on your motivation. It's important again to make sure that those rewards are frequent enough and sufficient to sustain the behaviors you want, but also to remove rewards for behaviors that you don't want. And that's important. For example, if children are at the park and they start acting out, well, one of the rewards for them might be getting attention of other people. So if you remove them from the situation, that eliminates that reward. And finally, backwards and forwards chaining. Backward chaining means looking at a behavior and what happened and then saying, all right, let me understand why that happened. And looking backwards to try to figure out what might have triggered the child to behave the way they did at that time. Why did you react this way at this particular time, in this particular context? So that can give you clues to what's going on. Maybe they were over tired, maybe, maybe they were hungry, maybe they'd had a long day at school. We'll talk about a lot of those. But then forward chaining is anticipating what's going to happen. If you know that your child didn't sleep well the night before, then you can anticipate kind of what's going to happen and what might be more triggering in that particular day, in that particular context. So you can make adjustments as needed. And it's important to communicate with the child. Even young children, you know, mommy can see that you didn't sleep very well today. So you're going to real. It's probably going to be a struggle to get through the day to day and you know, then talk about how to handle that, whatever works for that child. So along with behavior strain, you know, when motivation starts going into the crapper, we need to Recognize how to increase motivation, talk with the child again, but also recognize the motivation for behaviors falls in one of these five or one or more of these five areas. Physical, is it helping them feel safer? Is it somehow helping them meet a medical need? That one's rare, but it needs to be in there. Nutrition, is it somehow related to their nutrition? You know, they're trying, they want to, they need to get more food, they're hungry, so they're doing this in order to get calories or housing. You know, is it somehow related to they're afraid they're going to lose their housing. Now a lot of times it comes back to children being overtired and wanting to go to bed, or being hungry and needing food, or seeing junk food and just wanting junk food. So those are the physical motivations. But we need to help them identify healthy, positive motivations for the healthy positive behaviors that we want them to do affectively. Help the child see how it's going to help them feel happier, more content and more confident. If they do what you want them to do. If you learn how to do this, how much better will it make you feel? I remember going through that with my son and tying his shoelaces because he had a bugger of a time with that. He just, he wanted to stick with his Velcro. And you know, I kept reinforcing the fact that he was getting it and when he got to be bigger, he would need to know how to tie things. So it was really important to, to learn how to do that. And I would work at bolstering his confidence, reminding him at how much better he was this week at tying his shoes than he was last week, for example. Cognitively, how does it make logical sense that doing what you ask is going to be in their best interest environmentally, how does it benefit them to do what you're asking them to do? You know, if you're asking them to do their chores, you know, for example, how is that going to reduce tension in the household? How is it going to make it easier for them to concentrate and find things? You know, maybe they get really frustrated when they can't find a particular action figure. Well, if you do your chores and your action figures in the bucket where it's supposed to be, guess what? You'll be able to find it every single time. And relationally, how will it improve relationships and their own self esteem? How will it help them feel better about themselves? How and improve their relationships with their, their siblings or their classmates or even other people in the household? Remember, on any Given day, a child may behave a little bit differently. Well, any given day, any of us can behave a little bit differently. And each day is different for each child. Children, like adults, may respond differently if they're under physical, emotional or cognitive stress. Positive parenting promotes exploring and helping the child understand their triggers and responses. So that's that backward chaining, looking back and saying, okay, why is today different? Why are you getting upset? Why are, you know, you've gotten angry with your sister before and you didn't hit her, why did you hit her today? What's different? Are they sleep deprived? Are they sick? Sometimes when children are in the process of getting a cold, or if they're sick and they haven't told you about it yet, they may be more disorganized or more, quote, oppositional or crankier. So consider that. Have they had enough good nutrition to eat or is their blood sugar low? Sometimes certain foods trigger acting out behaviors. In certain kids, they have stronger reactions. Pain. If they're in pain, they may act differently. If they're exhausted, you know, maybe they're not doing their chores because they just started football practice and they are just. It hurts to move. Okay, well, let's recognize this. And there may be other things. I'm sure there's other things that I'm missing effectively. Are they anxious, depressed, grieving, guilt ridden, angry about something? Well, if they've got a bunch of dysphoria going on over here about whatever this is, then it's probably going to bleed over into other aspects of their life. So especially. Well, I shouldn't say that it became more prominent in our household. When my kids became teenagers, they became a little bit more reclusive. And so when they had stuff going on, they would try to handle it themselves instead of communicating as much. And it wouldn't come out until a little bit later that they were, you know, dealing with something because I. It wouldn't come out. We would notice it when it started to come out. In some of their other behaviors, like their chores would start going down or they started becoming more irritable during family things because we eat dinner together and we had movie night on the weekends when my kids were, when my kids were younger, cognitively, if they're having difficulty concentrating, some days we just aren't motivated, some days we're just not focused. Or if they've got a negative attitude, they got up on the wrong side of the stinking bed, Sometimes it happens. And that could impact how they're reacting to things that day. Environmentally, is there something making them Feel unsafe. Have there been a lot of changes in the environment that can throw a lot of people for a loop? I like structure. I personally get very antsy when there's a lot of change. Has there been chaos for some reason? Maybe at Christmas time, family comes to visit and there's all kinds of, you know, grandkids and nieces and nephews running around. And it's a chaotic environment, and that can get exhausting and overwhelming for some people. Is there too much noise that is keeping the person, you know, stressed out, or are there smells or light conditions that are stressing the person out? Some people do not do well with fluorescent lights, especially fluorescent lights that flicker a lot. Other people don't do well in environments that are very dim. So recognizing that changing from just what they're used to, as far as lighting can impact their reactions and their mood and relationally, who have they contacted that may have triggered their current behavior or their current feelings and. Or who did they not contact? Maybe they're used to seeing their best friend or, you know, they're on vacation and they're at camp and they're making poor choices because they haven't seen their parents and they're feeling homesick. So we want to examine these things. They may also, from the people that they contact, they may see behaviors. They may see, you know, Johnny getting away with something and think, well, hey, if he can get away with it, maybe I can too. So we want to pay attention to the fact that people that they contact can trigger behaviors, but they can also teach them behaviors. And that can go for the positive, but it can also go for the negative. So let's talk about some examples real quick. Behaving in the store, we want the child to behave well. So let's look at it when we're talking about really young children going back to those basics physically, we probably don't want to take them in when they're tired, when they're hungry, when they're thirsty, or when they just got out of school and they've been holding it together all day and they just need to let their hair down. So we want to consider those factors when it comes to asking them to behave in the store. If they are misbehaving in the store, we need to examine what that's about. You know, yeah, the store can be boring, especially if you're spending a long time there. So can you bring a rescue pack with you? That's what I call it. That has things for them to do. And these days, with the advent of mobile Devices. There's generally something a kid can do to occupy themselves during boring tasks. But you want to ask yourself, what is the child communicating with this misbehavior? Is there a skill deficit? Do they not know how to behave in the store? Do they not know exactly what you want them to do? And you may take for granted that they know that you want them to sit in the buggy and be still. What triggers are present? If you are walking down the toy aisle then, and they're, you know, jumping around like crazy, then, you know, you can assume that that might be one of their triggers. So if you don't want them to do that, maybe avoiding the toy aisle or the cereal aisle at the grocery store. And in what way is this behavior rewarding or meeting a need? If the child has had experience misbehaving in the store before and getting to leave like the example I gave, then they may be more likely to do it again. If they are jumping around and they're. And they're acting out, they may also be communicating, hey, I've got to go to the bathroom. So we do want to ask the child what's going on and figure out why is this behavior rewarding? Because they. People don't do things, even small children don't do things that they know have a high likelihood for unpleasant consequences. Us after school, chaos. Whenever I used to pick my son up from school when he was in kindergarten, he would come home and he was, you know, apparently a perfect angel in school, and he would come home and he would just cut loose. And it made sense when I stepped back and thought about it, because he had been holding it together all day. He'd been behaving, he'd been on his best behavior, he'd been being good. And he had all this built up energy because he is not a child to sit it still. So he had to let out some of that energy. So using positive redirection and giving him something to do or giving him parameters and saying, okay, you can play with your toys in the living room was helpful because otherwise he was in the kitchen under my feet, pulling out pots and pans and banging on them and what, whatever else, and, you know, it got a little bit chaotic. But when I gave him, you know, parameters that he could, you know, run around, some days we would go to the park on the way home from school so he could get some of that energy out first. You know, it's important to understand what's. What is the need and how can we help the child better meet this need going to school. Some children may not want to go to school and they may make up excuses. They may do all kinds of things. They may not do their homework. We want to figure out why. Is it because they don't understand what's going on? Is it because they don't have the study skills to actually complete their homework on time? Is it because maybe they have vision or hearing problems that haven't been diagnosed yet, or dyslexia that hasn't been diagnosed yet? So it is. They're struggling in school and they're ashamed or afraid to tell anybody, or maybe they're getting bullied at school or they don't feel safe there. So we want to understand what does this behavior mean and what can we do to resolve the situation. Going to beds the same way a lot of kids have fears of boogeyman under the bed or monsters in the closet. So we need to validate those because those are very normal fears of children. Validate that they have those fears and then help them figure out how to feel safe. You know, how can. How can I help you feel safe in, in this room? Because, you know, a lot of times it will get very circular if you tell them, well, the boogeyman doesn't exist. Go to sleep. Well, in their mind it does. So helping them figure out how to deal with the thoughts of the boogeyman or deal with the boogeyman, depending on how you want to handle it, can help them feel safer. So they're not afraid to go to bed. Some children don't like to take a bath. And you know, it could be they just don't like to take a bath because that means it's less time that they're playing. So make bath time fun. Or some children are have sensory differences and what we think is a nice warm temperature may feel extremely hot to them or maybe painful in some way. So if they are screeching about a bath, and even if you can't, you don't see what the problem is, it's important to recognize that their sensory differences may be coming into play. So figuring out how to accommodate that is going to be really important. And you may need to talk to your pediatrician as well. Now, if going to bed, taking a bath, or going to school become an issue all of a sudden, it's definitely something you want to worry about or talk to the child about and make sure that there is no evidence of abuse or anything else going on. It's rare that that would happen. You know, I don't want to say it, you know, that's, that's what's happening. A lot of kids don't like to go to school because it's, again, less time away from the Wii or whatever video game. But if, if they start acting oddly suddenly, then you really want to look at what changed all of a sudden. If children are not listening or paying attention, well, we need to understand why. Can they hear? You know, is their hearing actually good? Are they able to pay attention? Or do they have something like adhd? And are we speaking to them in a way that they can comprehend and remember? Like I said earlier, kids have a much shorter attention span. So it's really important that if you're working with a young child, that you don't give them complex instructions or multiple tasks to do without writing it down or giving them some kinds of prompts. Sometimes you may put each task on an index card or as a picture. You can even laminate them if there are tasks that you expect the child to do repeatedly. And then if there are three in a row, you can give them those three cards or those three laminated pictures so they remember what they're supposed to do. Cleaning your room, we already talked about that. Be very specific about what needs to be done. Even consider taking a picture of what a clean room looks like so they can compare and contrast, being respectful and taking turns. They learn a lot from watching us, so it's important that, that we demonstrate this. But we also can use interpersonal scaffolding by helping them in social situations learn how to wait and take their turn. You know, let them participate as much as they can. And then if they get to the point where they're interrupting or getting too boisterous, you know, having a gesture, with my son, it was putting my hand on his shoulder, that would remind them that they need to take a breath and let somebody else have a chance to talk. And role playing can also be very helpful for a lot of children. If they rehearse something ahead of time, then they know what to expect, and it's not on here. But you can also help children in a lot of situations, especially different situations, by reviewing the rules ahead of time. Each time you go to the park, you know, don't make too many rules, because again, kids can't remember a whole litany of things but have, you know, a couple of rules. Go over them before you get out of the car. You know, what is it we're going to do? What time are we going to leave? And, you know, what are you not going to do? Or whatever Ask them questions to make sure they remember the rules. And finally, handling anger can be a real big challenge for a lot of children because it feels so overwhelming. Their brain reacts differently than ours. Their brain just gushes with stress chemicals when they get stressed out. So it's important that we provide them tools to help them learn to re regulate and start identifying their anger triggers so they can address them earlier, identify their anger warning signs so they can address them earlier. And it's a process. You know, children learn themselves as they go through. My son, when he was little, learned by the time he was two and a half, he was aware of the early warning signs that he was getting overstimulated. And when he got over stimulated and he would start to melt down, act out, make poor choices, whatever you want to call it. But that was part of his add sensory integration challenges from being a micro preemie. And he learned that very early and he knew what to do. You know, he would go sit in his room and watch his fish tank and for, you know, however long it took. It was usually five minutes or so. But I distinctly remember him, you know, being young enough that he was still using a pacifier and telling me he was overstimulated and taking a time out in his room until he could get his get his bearings back. Parenting is part knowledge, part curiosity, part creativity combined with a whole lot of patience. Behavior is communication. Being consistent. Consistent in reacting to our children can be very difficult because you know what? Life happens. We're not all having a good day every day either. It's important to remember in order to be consistent and communicate through our behavior that we are a safe, secure, loving environment. We need to remember to breathe, evaluate the facts, talk to the child and others if appropriate, and then act tentatively. You test the solution. If what you think is going to work, doesn't work, drop back and regroup. There's so much that goes into parenting and positive parenting and behavior modification. I couldn't possibly cover it all in an hour or a little bit over. But I hope this gave you some things to think about. When thinking about positive parenting, increasing motivation and trying to figure out how to understand children's behavior and get them to do what you want. Let's just face it, get them to do what you want. Have a great day and I will see you next time.