Prevent Anger, Jealousy or Guilt From Ruining Your Life | Relationship Skills

Foreign.

I'd like to welcome everybody to today's.

Presentation on anger, guilt, jealousy and resentment and their functions. I AM your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes.

Over the next hour, we're going to explore the function and impact of anger.

Identify the types of threats that may prompt anger, and identify different types of anger to include run of the mill anger. You know, things make you angry, irritation, resentment, envy, jealousy and guilt and regret. You notice I don't have grief here because anger is a part of the grief process, but grief is its own thing. So we're going to talk about, really focus on anger today.

Anger is a part of the fight.

Or flight reaction, which is your brain's natural response to a perceived threat. And the emphasis here is perception. When it's kind of like a smoke alarm, when the smoke alarm goes off, it doesn't necessarily mean there is a fire. It means you need to get up and check and see if there's a fire. When we get angry, when we perceive a threat, our threat response system, our HPA axis, gets hyperactivated. So we become, we get into that fight ORF flight mode. It dumps norepinephrine, it dumps adrenaline, it dumps a lot of neurochemicals angle. Anger alerts you again that there might be a threat and it gives you the energy to fight or flee so you can push away or dominate the threat. Think about when you get angry. If you get angry and you start yelling, what are you trying to do? You are trying to regain control of, of the situation. You are trying to maybe push away or neutralize the threat in some way.

Remember that anger is part of the.

Fight or flight response. So the other reaction obviously is to flee. But we're really focusing on anger today and we're going to talk about anger in relationships. Remember last time we talked about not holding current relationships hostage, not making your current relationships carry the baggage from, from old relationships. And if we are still angry about things that happened in our prior relationships, then we are probably carrying that baggage and in some way making our new relationships carry that baggage. So we want to talk about, you know, how anger really affects us. It affects us physically with that HPA axis. It affects us affectively.

When we're angry, it's hard to feel as happy.

You know, it really blunts that happiness, if not make it, make it go away altogether. Anger, you know, is telling us that we need to be alert and protective. It's not time to relax and enjoy life.

Anger affects us cognitively when we perceive.

A threat or worse yet, if we perceive that the world is dangerous and we are angry a lot of the time, we, we are probably going to see life through an angry lens, which means we're probably going to notice the threats more so than we notice the not threats that are in our environment. So it's really important to recognize that it affects us physically, affectively, cognitively. Angry people tend to be more negative interpersonally.

Anger affects us because a lot of times people don't want to be around.

Somebody who is really angry and it can push away people. It can be used unfortunately to control some people and, and a lot of times people don't really like being controlled that way, but they may fear getting away. We do want to recognize, and we're going to talk, as we talk about each type of anger, we're going to talk about how that might impact relationships. Because this obviously is part of the relationship skills series.

It's important to remember that anger may come from current threats.

You can look around, something is threatening your self esteem, your person, your environment, something, you know, that makes us angry. No doubt.

Or it could come from negative inner.

Voices that things that somebody told us a long time ago we should do or we shouldn't do.

Those shoulds and shouldn't.

And inner voices can often make us feel like we don't measure up and make us feel threatened because we may fear that we're going to be rejected.

Threats can be to your person, physical harm.

You know, I can get angry if I'm out running and one of the neighbor's dogs starts chasing me and you know, barking and bearing its teeth. I, I could, I usually turn around and try to be friends with it, but that's just me. But a lot of people get angry when dogs chase them when they're on their bicycle and you know, could make them fall or something.

Anger or threats can come from threats to your property.

When somebody damages your property, you know, when your little brother popped the head off your Barbie dolls or whatever, you probably got angry as a little kid.

It could also be to your property.

Or to your environment. We get angry when our boundaries are violated. We get angry when somebody goes through our stuff. You know, that is a threat. We feel violated. We don't feel safe in that space anymore.

And one of the things we need.

To remember from a trauma inform perspective that creating safety is the foundation of the recovery process. People need to feel emotionally, cognitively and physically and environmentally safe where they are.

Threats can also be to our self.

Esteem or to our self concept. Somebody may hurt our feelings which makes us angry.

Somebody may some say something which questions.

Our goodness as a person. And we may get angry angry or.

Make us concerned that other people will.

Think of us poorly.

Now, we're going to talk about some.

Of our basic threats in a minute. But when you look at these, what is the core of getting your feelings hurt? Questioning your goodness as a person or other people's perception of you comes down to rejection and possibly failure, not living up to what they wanted.

But a lot of times we want.

To live up to what people want from us because we are craving acceptance. And that's where we need to look back at self esteem and try to figure out if we are looking at others or looking to others to provide us validation or if we're able to provide our own self validation. If we can say and really believe I am not going to be liked by everybody any of the time. You know, it's just not realistic to expect that 100% of people are going to like me. And I'm okay with that. Or say something like, a lot of people will like me a lot of the time, but nobody is going to like me 100% of the time. And that's also pretty much true. I mean, think about your children, think about your spouse, think about your parents. You love them and hopefully you like them too.

But there are times when you may.

Not like them, you know, when they're going through a particularly difficult period for some reason. And it's, it's okay to recognize and to acknowledge that, you know what? I really don't like you right now.

Now doesn't mean it has to stay.

It could be I don't like the behavior that you're doing. And we do want to separate behavior from the person.

Where do these threats come from?

Well, things others do or don't do. If somebody is. Well, I'll give you the perfect example of my, my dog. We've got a puppy right now. Well, she's almost not a puppy anymore, but she is a handful and she frustrates me so much when she doesn't listen and when she acts crazy and, and she does, she jumps. And you know, she wants to nip at everything and she wants to nitpick me. She was abandoned by her mother way, way, way too early. So she never learned proper manners. And we've been working on that. But when she gets excited, she forgets all of her training sometimes. And that can make me really frustrated. And it can be, as Marcella pointed out, and annoyance.

And remember that anger goes along a.

Continuum, there's irritation and annoyance. There's anger right in the middle, and then there's flat out rage. And depending on the level of the threat and the person's perception of their ability to control the threat and feel safe will kind of tell you where you're at on that continuum. Now, an interesting little thing that I'll point out is that our perception of any one event may differ on any given day. And the example that I always give is leaving the cap off the toothpaste. And, you know, some people get really irritated when you leave the cap off.

The toothpaste, but most of the time.

It'S not that big, big of a deal.

But if they've got a lot of.

Other stuff going on in their life, if they're already exposed, experiencing distress and dysphoria, then leaving the cap off the toothpaste may prompt a much stronger anger reaction. When I work with clients, we talk about an anger meter of 1 to 5. I don't like using any more than 5 because it gets hard for people to conceptualize such small increments. Five is good. But on a scale of one to five, how did you react to that? One being minor irritation, five being completely, you know, got upset and enraged, where were you? And, you know, they identify where they were at. And then I asked them, you know, on a scale of 1 to 5, where do you usually react to that? And if they say a five, then, okay, we talk about that. But if they say, you know, usually I react with like a one or a two, then we talk about what the difference is. Why did you react with a five today? And if you go back to Linehan's work and backwards chaining and dialectical behavior therapy, a lot of times you can.

Look backwards and see that there were.

A lot of vulnerabilities that were building up, you know, minor stressors that were being additive, things that were coming up that were stressing the person out. Maybe they were, you know, had. Didn't have enough sleep, maybe they didn't feel well, whatever it is. And you know, I will tell you that there are certain times where I can get up and I'm a little bit of a freak about the kitchen. And if I get up in the morning and there are dirty dishes in the sink, most of the time it irritates me. It's somewhere between a one and a two.

But if I've had a lot of.

Stress at work, or I haven't slept well, or I don't feel feel well, or, you know, something else is going on, then it can really tick me off. And it tends to be a four or a five. And it's important to recognize that. And I recognize that when I start reacting to dishes in the sink with a four, you know, I feel my face getting all flushed. I have to step back and go, really, is this worth this level of a reaction? And it's important to be cognizant and acknowledge how you're feeling without judgment and then identifying what your options are. You know, I'm really ticked off about this right now, okay? So let's not feed it and think about all the reasons that I deserve to be angry right now. Let's acknowledge that I'm angry over this and identify what my options are.

We also can get angry because of our internal critic, the old tapes of other things people have told us from.

The past, like we should look a certain way or we should succeed. If we don't do this, then we are not considered lovable. And somewhere in that I was in. In the comments, I was seeing you guys point out, again, it's important to remember to help clients separate themselves from their behaviors. You know, they may be really lovable people. I mean, I'm pretty sure they are. They're lovable people, but they make mistakes.

Guess what?

We all make mistakes. They may be really awesome people, but you know what? Today they are being really snarky, and we all have those days. I'd like to say that, you know, we don't, and that people can get to the place where they never have a snarky day, but that's just really not realistic for the majority of the population. I have a really good friend who's a nun. And, you know, I think, well, she's a nun. Of course she doesn't get irritable.

But I am wrong.

She does. She's human. And it's important to recognize the shoulds that we're telling ourselves. And conscience can make us angry. It can make us feel guilty or regretful.

Guilt is anger at ourselves for doing.

Something that we should have, shouldn't have done, or for not doing something that we should have done.

And when you think back over the.

Things in your life that you feel guilty for, you can identify that there's a should associated with it.

And it's important to check that should is that should valid.

Do you believe that should? You know, sometimes I'll be sitting on the couch watching a movie on the weekends, and I start to feel guilty because my inner voice is telling me I should be up doing laundry Cleaning the house, wiping down the baseboards, doing something. I shouldn't just be sitting on my butt.

And in reality, it's not necessarily true.

You know, that should has no basis in fact, because then I counter it with however, it's important for me to have some time for rest and relaxation so I am fully charged and able to be my best. And, and it's important for people to check that guilt. And one of the activities that I do in, in my guilt groups is I have people write a bill of rights. And it is a guilt bill of rights or a non guilt bill of rights. And they write down the things that they have a right to do. They have a right to be happy even if other people aren't. They have a right to set boundaries and keep themselves emotionally and physically safe. They have a right to rest and relax sometimes, and that's okay. And you can see where we go from this. And this is a really fun thing to do as a group. I like doing it. I write the stuff on the whiteboard, then I take a picture of it and tran translate it into a handout for the next session.

But that guilt bill of rights is.

Something that people can read and it can validate them, and they can use it to counter those internal voices that are constantly harping at them, telling them they should be different themes of our.

Threats, one of the biggest is rejection.

And isolation, especially for clients who have low self esteem. But most of us are programmed to be interpersonal. You know, we have introverts who don't like being around huge groups of people.

But most of us are not programmed.

To live by ourselves in isolation on an abandoned island somewhere. We want to be loved, we want to be accepted. We even have oxytocin, the bonding hormone that encourages us to be part of a group of some sort, to be accepted.

Acceptance is important. It doesn't mean we have to be.

Accepted by everybody, but it is important to feel a sense of acceptance from somebody and helping people recognize where they're trying to get acceptance from and whether those people's impressions or those people's opinions are really important. I've worked with a lot of clients who want to be approved, who want to be accepted by everybody. And this can include the cashier and somebody on Facebook and the people that live three doors down in your apartment building who see you walking to and from your car. And my question is, your neighbors that live three doors down from you, what is it about them that makes their acceptance, makes their approval of you so important to you? Why is it that you desperately want their approval and what would happen if you approved of yourself and if they.

Approved of you, great.

But what would happen if you didn't worry about that? So we talk about that. Some rejection is a big thing. And if we look back over people's histories, you know, a lot of times people who struggle with self validation and low self esteem had challenges in their primary attachment relationship. So they may not be securely attached and they will have to work on that in their adult relationships. Another theme that makes us feel threatened is loss of control or the unknown. I've shared with you guys before that, you know, periodically we've had it twice since we've lived in this house. We have a tornadic storm come through and it wipes out, you know, hundreds of feet of our fence. And you know, I need to keep the donkeys and the chickens and everything in.

So when it starts to storm, when.

We start to have a bad storm, I noticed I get irritable, I get angry and testy because I'm ticked off that oh my gosh, you know, we might have the, the, the fence go down again. I have no control over that situation. And I notice that it makes me angry because I can't tell everybody it's going to be okay and I can't guarantee everything. And again, I have to be mindful and notice that and check it and go, okay, well, is getting angry about it? Is getting all riled up about it going to keep the storm from knocking my fence down? No, it's not. All it's going to do is make me irritable with the people around me and drain my energy and impair my sleep. Are any of those consequences that I want? And the answer is no, at least for me. So again, looking at accepting how I feel, I'm angry. I recognize I'm angry because I can't control this situation. Now what are my options? What else can I do?

And in the case of the storms.

For me, I just engage in some sort of distress tolerance, activity, thought stopping, you know, generally activities, something to get my mind off of it because there's nothing I can do to, to change it.

Death and loss can also make us feel threatened.

And it can be the death of a relationship or the loss of a relationship or dreams or a job. There are a lot of things we lose. And you know, I have several videos on grief and complicated grief on the All CEU's YouTube channel.

So I'm not going to go into.

Those a lot right now.

But suffice it to say, when we.

Are faced with the threat of death or loss, a lot of times we get angry. You know, we find out that we're diagnosed with cancer. We find out that a loved one is diagnosed with cancer. We're worried that, you know, we might lose our job. Right now a lot of people are really enraged because they feel like they have lost their personal freedoms. And then there's another set of people who are really enraged because they can't control that other set and they're afraid of getting sick and dying.

So we've got a lot of anger.

And rage going on right now.

And it's important to recognize where that.

Comes from, acknowledging it and figuring out how can we best address it in a way that's meaningful.

And finally, failure. Most of us hate failing.

I know I hate failing.

But when I fail, I have to.

Remind myself and I think of it as a learning opportunity. I look and figure out how to prevent it from happening again, try to figure out what I can learn from it. You know, I try to look at it, you know, after that initial anger, frustration, of failure. I try to look at it using cognitive restructuring and see it as a challenge or as an opportunity to learn. Those are the main themes. You know, when you look at people's anger, resentment, jealousy, you can generally identify one of those four themes within their, their thought process.

Remember that real threats actually exist.

You know, it is somebody there telling you, you know, holding you up at, you know, what is it, mugging you in the street, you know, that's a real threat. Something that is happening right now. Perceived threats, on the other hand, are based on what's going on in our head. They're based on cognitive distortions such as mind reading. You know, maybe assuming, you know, that this person was intentionally doing something in order to get back at me, you know that those cognitive distortions. And you really want to go through the list of personalization, exaggeration, all or nothing, thinking, you know, that whole list. Again, more videos on cognitive distortions on the YouTube channel.

But to see if the way the.

Person is feeling, those automatic thoughts, automatic beliefs they're having, are actually accurate and probable. Remember, accurate, fact based and probable.

They're prior experiences.

Sometimes we feel angry because we are expecting something bad to happen. Because when we were in a similar situation, something bad happened. There's that baggage again. Checking the current situation and examining. Remember on, on Tuesday we talked about Venn diagrams. You can do a Venn diagram. How is this situation similar to that last situation? And then how is it different from that last situation.

Emotional reasoning is another.

Step that can cause people to perceive a threat. I believe I feel like you are angry at me. You know, if somebody's having a bad day and they're acting snarky, you might use emotional reasoning to say they're angry at me and then get angry about it. And incomplete information, and that's partly in those cognitive distortions.

But sometimes we see things as a.

Threat because we don't have all the information. Like flying on an airplane, you know, that's more of a fear thing for most people. But people may get frustrated or agitated when they're on an airplane because they're stressed out, because they are anxious. And then they may get angry because they're already feeling anxious and they're feeling out of control. So they're trying to control whatever they can in their situation.

But flying on an airplane, especially the big ones, is actually really safe.

Once you have all the information how many flights take off and land per day and versus how many crash and the percentage is so minuscule.

Those are all things that we want.

To help people check in order to identify where their threat is coming from. Their anger is their anger, and I am not going to invalidate that. You know, I want them to notice how they feel, accept their anger, and again check what is the next thing I can do to improve the moment.

Now in terms of addressing explosive anger, there is.

A video on the YouTube channel that goes through a 10 step or 10 session anger management curriculum.

But one of the first things we need to do is help that person.

Identify, you know, do backwards chaining to identify things that make them more vulnerable to explosive anger, identify things that have led up to explosive anger, identify their anger triggers so they're aware of things, you know, when they happen, that they can be aware ahead of time that this is probably going to tick me off when, you know, for example, when I have contractors coming over and I know likely they're going to be late and likely it's going to tick me off. You know, I just know that's one of my anger triggers. So I hang that one right on the, on the doorknob. And they need to be aware of their anger. Warning signs. There are warning signs prior to the explosive anger that happens. So again, they're recognizing vulnerabilities, things that make them more likely to respond with explosive anger. They, they are recognizing things that trigger their anger and developing a plan to deal with those when they occur because we can't prevent everything from making us angry. And they are identifying and become becoming more mindful of their anger. Warning signs. And for some, that can be clenching their fists. For others. For me, I know if I'm sitting down, I start bouncing my leg really vigorously, and I know that is my HPA axis ramping up. That's one of my first signs, or I clench my teeth. When people start noticing those early warning signs, then they can stop.

Most of the time, you know, unless.

They'Re dealing with intermittent explosive disorder, in which there are other factors at play and other interventions, they're too numerous to get into here.

Generally, once people start becoming more aware.

And they have a plan to deal with it, you know, going back to those themes, you know, helping them identify the themes that underlie their anger, once they identify the triggers, identify the themes that underlie their anger, their guilt, their resentment, their jealousy, whatever it is, and start dealing with those underlying issues you're taking. You know, think of a pressure cooker. And when you are, when you start dealing with those underlying issues, you're letting some of the steam off. So they are not as likely to explode.

If they are not dealing with stuff.

If they're just stuffing it, then think of that like that pressure cooker. And eventually, if the heat keeps going up, the top's going to blow.

With clients asking them how they handle.

Threats to their person or property and encouraging them to think about when people get up in their face, when people get in their space, when people cut them off in traffic, you know, get too close to get too close to them at the grocery store, whatever it is, how do they handle that? And what is it about that situation that makes them feel threatened? You know, go back to those threats. Are they in fear for their safety? That could be because they have been victimized before. And we've got some trauma stuff that we need to address. It could be a cultural thing, a.

Respect thing, whatever it is.

But we want them to identify what triggers their anger with regard to threats of their person or property, why that triggers their anger and what options they have to deal with it.

How do you handle threats to your self esteem?

And this can make for an entire group, but what things hurt your self esteem? What things make you angry that other people do, and encourage them to recognize how that might make them feel threatened because they fear rejection, isolation, loss of control, or failure. You know, maybe they're in a conversation with somebody and they feel like that person has said that they have failed and they want that person's acceptance and they're afraid that with failure comes rejection.

So you're Talking through and really trying.

To articulate and identify the themes that are going on and help them figure out where those themes came from and develop a plan.

Anger is a generic term that describes.

The fight reaction in response to a threat.

When people get angry, they want to either conquer the threat or they don't.

See any options for escape. So I have on here, think cat in a corner. Whenever one of my fosters, especially one that's more feral, gets trapped in a corner, what do they do? They roll over and they hiss and they try to swat and they try to bite because they don't see any option for escape. They are terrified.

Anger happens on a continuum ranging from irritation to rage. The level of anger experienced is usually.

In proportion to the immediate threat and the cumulative effect of multiple threats. So if you've been having a ducky week and things are just going great and somebody leaves the cap off the toothpaste, probably just going to be a mild irritation.

If everything seems to have been going.

Wrong since you got up on Monday morning and, and it's now Friday evening and something happens, then you may respond with a much stronger level of anger. Because you're worn down, you're exhausted, you're feeling more and more powerless and depleted throughout the week. Which is another reason it is so important for people to be mindful of even mild irritation and deal with it so it doesn't drain them, so they're not still perseverating on it when they lay down to go to sleep at night. Because that drains their energy and it makes them more likely to react with more anger to future issues.

Many times when people feel angry underneath.

They also have a sense of helplessness or disempowerment. Again, especially if the person has a history of trauma or a history of disempowerment in some way then which almost always is trauma of some sort.

Of.

We need to recognize that and help them identify ways that they can feel safe and empowered to keep themselves safe. They may not be empowered to change the situation, but how can they be empowered to keep themselves safe?

Encourage people to identify what triggers your anger.

And this is one of those that you can do with the flip chart paper in the corners of the room. Just put each type of threat on one of the, on each flip chart sheet and have the group go around and talk about what triggers their anger, what triggers their threat of rejection or isolation. What things happen that make them angry, that are related to a loss of control. What things happen that make them angry, that are related to death and, and, and Failure.

So those are all things that you.

Can have them do as a group, and then you can get together and talk about them and talk again about, okay, so this makes you feel threatened. Where does that threat come from? In what way or what happened that in your past that makes this situation feel threatening to you? And how can you feel safe? Anger is about protection from a threat. So what do we do when there's a threat to, you know, to. To address it? We need to feel safe. So safety is the opposite of anger.

If sort of what to do about the anger, Identify the threat.

Explore the automatic beliefs triggering the anger.

Have the person, when they start to.

Feel angry, just ask themselves very simply.

Why is this making me angry?

Or they can even have a. Keep a little tiny notepad with them and jot it down. You know, it makes me angry when, you know, and they chart things down. I have over here on the side, some things that have often come up in my groups. When doctors run late, when friends fail to keep a promise, when people break the rules and get rewarded, when I don't get a promotion that I feel.

I deserve, you know, and there are.

Other things that happen when somebody drives my car and doesn't fill up the gas tank afterwards. They leave it on empty. You know, there are different things that can irritate people.

But, you know, with driving the car.

That'S not one of my things. But I know for some people, that's a really big deal because it feels disrespectful to them if somebody uses their car and then returns it with an empty gas tank. So, you know, going back to that, rejection, isolation, failure, you know, those themes, disrespect is a form of rejection.

Another thing they can ask themselves, how.

Is this similar to other unresolved situations in my past? Why is it that this triggers anger in me? You know, doctors run late, for example, and I've had, you know, over my 50 years of life, I've been to many doctors, and some are on time and respectful. Yes, they exist.

And others run terribly late.

And for some, like for my obstetrician, when, you know, when I was pregnant.

I recognized that, okay, he may be delivering a baby.

I got this. I can't get too upset about that. But for others, like my podiatrist, you know, I'm not seeing what is making him run two hours behind. I won't wait that long. Instead of getting angry, staying angry, when I notice that I'm getting angry and I check my watch and I say, okay, you know, I generally Have a tolerance of about 30 minutes.

And if they're still haven't called me.

Back in 30 minutes, I check and see what the ETA is. If they don't know, then I reschedule my appointment because my time is valuable. And if I sit there, I'm just going to get progressively angry. So I know that for me that's how I handle the situation. That's not how everybody does, but that's how I handle that situation. Because that is more productive use of my time than just sitting there getting progressively angry.

Have people identify the threat, the theme, what threat theme.

It is related to rejection.

So if they're fearing rejection, ask themselves.

Is this really about me? If somebody was rude to me today, does that mean they're rejecting me?

Or is.

Is it really about me? Maybe it's their stuff and you know, we're just not going to jibe. But is it about me or is it about their stuff? A lot of times people's reaction to us is more about their stuff than about us.

And also asking themselves, if we fear.

Rejection, why is this person's acceptance of me so important? Why is it that I desperately want this person or I want this person's acceptance enough that I am going to just dump my energy? Because feeling angry that they don't like me, you know, are they worth me giving them that much of my energy? And, and I try to help people see that when we get angry, we are giving people our energy. We are letting them drain our proverbial gas tank failure.

Encourage the person to look at it and recognize if they are globalizing.

If I fail at a math test, does that mean I'm stupid? You know, I could get really angry at myself and say, does it mean I'm stupid?

Well, no, I am not stupid.

I know when it comes to math.

That has a lot of Greek letters in it.

Not I'm. That's not my thing. And so globalizing is really important. Recognizing the behavior versus the person. I am not a bad person. I am not stupid. I just don't happen to be good at calculus. And what can I learn from this? Maybe it was a math test that I hadn't studied for and I learned that, you know what? I probably need to study for those tests. A lot of times when we fail, there are things that we can learn from it.

But it is important to not globalize.

To not say I am a failure to say I am.

I failed at loss of control and the unknown.

Ask people when they feel like they're out of the control.

What parts of this were and were.

Not in your control? You know, in terms of my mother getting cancer, I had no control over that. Was I enraged about it that she got cancer?

Yes.

Did I have a lot of stuff.

To deal with about it? Yes.

Was any of it within my control? Not a dagum thing. So staying angry about it didn't do anything but make me more unpleasant to be around and more distracted and impair my energy and, you know, reduce my immunity and all that kind of stuff. None of those things are part of my rich and meaningful life. So, okay, I'm angry about it now. What can I do? And instead of dwelling on the anger, you know, I threw myself into research, which is what I do, and, and, you know, trying to help her figure out how to be as comfortable as she could through the rest of the course of the disease, which goes to what actions are worth your energy? It wasn't worth my energy being angry at my higher power, being angry at her, being angry at the people who made the products that may have made her sick. You know, that's doesn't do any good. The actions that were worth my energy were trying to help her and nurture what time we had left in that relationship.

Death and loss. Encouraging people when they experience something that.

Triggers a loss and.

And it makes them angry, help them identify how this.

How does this impact how they see the world? You know, we just had a really bad tornado come through middle Tennessee a couple of months ago, and people lost their lives. People lost their houses going through Covid. People are losing their lives, people are losing their jobs. And a lot of people are angry. They are angry at their feeling of powerlessness and at the losses because of the losses they're experiencing because they feel powerless. I said earlier that we need to help people feel safe. Well, part of feeling safe is feeling empowered. If I feel empowered to do things to keep myself safe, then I'm going to feel a lot safer than if I'm relying on other people to keep me safe. So we want to help people feel empowered in the face of loss. What parts of this do you have control of?

How does this impact how you see.

The world and how you see yourself.

Encouraging people when a loss happens?

Maybe they get divorced, you know, and they're angry about how that relationship ended. How does this impact how you see the world? Other relationships and yourself encouraging them to really process that anger and identify the threats that are associated with that loss? Or what does it mean in terms if that you got divorced? What does it mean to you? In terms of your sense of acceptance versus rejection, your sense of empowerment versus loss of control, your sense of success versus failure. You know, there all of those themes come up when we talk about a lot of different types of losses.

One activity you can have people do.

Is just this chart. On the top line you put.

What is the threat to your person.

Your property or your self esteem?

Who is causing the anger?

Is it being caught? Are other people doing something that's making you angry? Is the anger coming from your head? You're telling yourself that you should do something? Your conscience, your internal criticism. What is the theme of the threat? Failure, rejection, loss of control, or just plain old loss. Why is this threatening to you and.

What can be done to address the.

Threat in a way that helps you live a rich and meaningful life?

A lot of people get irritable about.

Getting cut off in traffic. So that's one of those, that's pretty benign that you can use.

You get cut off in traffic, you get angry. Okay, what's the threat to your person?

Yep. Could have killed me.

Your property?

Yep. Could have totaled my car.

Your self esteem?

Yep. They weren't taking care and being as conscious of me as I was of them. So that's disrespectful. All right, who's causing the anger? Others. Somebody cut me off. Okay, what is the threat theme? Well, loss of control.

I was driving along in my car, being a great little defensive driver. Then all of a sudden this person.

Cuts me off and I had no control it. So that made me angry. I was threatened with loss of property and life and you know, whatever. And like I said, it was disrespectful. So you know, you could perceive that as rejection.

Why is this threatening?

Others put me in an unsafe position. I. My property and health were threatened and they were being disrespectful. Okay, well people are going to cut you off. That's just the way life is right now. So what can I do to prevent this from happening again?

Be more aware.

Avoid rush hour. If it was a, you know, fleet driver, report it to their employer or just let it go. They may not have seen you. You may have been in their blind spot. Who knows what was going on. But is it worth your energy to stay all knotted up about it? And that's an important question for people to regularly ask themselves. Is this worth my energy? You know, and I've shared with some of you who've been with me for, for, you know, over the months before, when my son was about 2, he was in a Car seat in the back and we were driving and I got cut off in traffic and I said something like, oh, you are such a stupid person or something. You know, he mimicked everything that I did. So I know I didn't swear in front of him, but I was clearly.

Very irritated and I was just talking.

To this person and, and who was, you know, now 30ft in front of me and this little voice from the back came out and he said, mommy, why are you talking to that person? They can't hear you.

Okay, you're right.

Doesn't do any good. So we all need to recognize and, and you know, that was kind of a wake up moment for me. It's like, yeah, this is really stupid to stay angry over this.

Resentment. Resentment is anger directed at others for.

Things they either did and shouldn't have or didn't do and should have. Gotta love those shoulds. What is the impact of holding on to your resentments? How does it impact you emotionally being around that person or others? You know, if you hold on to these resentments, a lot of times you expect others to let you down and then you may start finding other things to be resentful of and it just builds up that negativity mentally. How does holding on to resentments impact you?

If I hold on to resentments, that means I see certain people as being.

Unsafe, which also might make me be more alert for other people and any signs that they meet may be unsafe. So it may be. May make me more hyper vigilant to things that could prompt resentment physically.

Just like any other form of anger, it's going to disrupt our sleep, it's.

Going to cause muscle tension, it's going to increase pain, it's going to, you know, just make us more tired a.

Lot of the times and potentially reduce our immunity interpersonally. If, you know, if you hold on to resentments, a lot of times that.

Comes out in your relationships, whether you're more guarded from connecting with other people or you bad mouth the people that you have resentments towards or, you know.

There are a lot of different ways.

It comes out and it's important for people to identify how does their resentment come out? You know, how does their resentment impact their other relationships and their ability to be as happy and healthy as they can be?

Many times underlying resentment are hurt feelings.

For example, somebody gets upset because Jane was invited to the party and they weren't. Okay, you know. And does holding on to that resentment do any good?

Probably not.

They can't change the past. They can't Control that situation. Could they ask why they weren't invited? Well, yeah, that's possible. Is it that important to be invited? And could there be other reasons why they weren't invited? Maybe the party was not as big of a party and they were trying to set Jane up with somebody else. And so, you know, it was more of a double date hookup sort of thing.

You know, there could be a lot.

Of reasons why one person wasn't invited to a party.

Have people make a chart with four.

Columns, or you can go around in the flip charts and do it one for each threat. Rejection, loss of control, death, and failure.

Have people take 30 minutes and as and identify as many resentments as they.

Can and place them in the appropriate column. But they can only choose one column so they don't have the same resentment everywhere.

Review the finished list and mark off.

All the resentments over which you have no control. You know, I can't control what this person did or didn't do. I can't control whatever.

Now cross off any that have no.

Effect on your ability to live a rich and meaningful life.

I resent what this person did six.

Years ago, but does that impact my ability to be happy? No.

Explore how you can accept these things.

And let go of the anger and.

Of the ones left, the ones you haven't crossed off.

Brainstorm ways of addressing the resentment, figuring out what is. What are your options to quit holding on to that resentment because that takes a lot of energy and using that energy to do something about it so you can have a rich and meaningful life.

Envy and jealousy can be thought of as anger at someone else for having.

Something that you want.

And a lot of times people who.

Have low self esteem esteem tend to have more issues with envy and jealousy because they think, if I was only as pretty as that person, if I was only as popular as that person, if I was only as rich as that person, then people would love me.

And we, so we want to look.

At where does this envy and jealousy come from? Why is it so important to have the biggest house or be the most popular influencer on YouTube or, you know, why is it so important to have more likes on Instagram than somebody else? Whatever it is that is causing the person envy and jealousy, we want to understand how that communicates or, or translates to acceptance or success or control. You know, going back to those threats. You know, obviously in that person's mind, if I had those things, then I would be accepted instead of rejected, be successful instead of a failure. Have control instead of being out of control. You know, you see where we're going.

Have people really ponder the impact of.

Holding on to envy. What is the impact to me of being envious of somebody who is, you know, a major influencer?

It doesn't do me any good.

Can I be happy for their success? Can I use them as a role model? Thinking, yes, I can do that too. That's different than being envious and being angry at them for being successful.

Thinking about the impact, how it impacts.

You emotionally, mentally, physically, interpersonally and even spiritually. How does that affect your desire to connect with others?

Many times underlying envy and jealousy are.

Low self esteem, lack of gratitude, lack of clarity about personal goals, or erroneous conclusions like if I were rich, I would be happy. We want to help people identify what they're envious about. Why? Generally we are envious because we think if we had that, we would be happy. So in what way could that make us happy or happier than we are right now? And how else might we achieve happiness?

Have people identify each of the people.

And things that they envy and in what way does each of those people or things, you know represent acceptance and inclusion, control and power, success or someone having something that you lost? Maybe you are envious of someone who is now dating your ex boyfriend or something.

I also encourage people to think, why might people envy you? You know, and sometimes it takes a little bit of thinking, but encourage them to recognize that there are other people.

Out there who probably envy them and, and that helps them kind of build.

Their self esteem to think, yeah, I.

Have some things that other people might want.

In what ways does each of those.

Things that you have that people envy represent acceptance, control, power, success and having something someone else lost? You know, you have things that other people want. So just recognizing that, what does it mean if people don't envy you? And sometimes people feel like it's rejection or they have no control or they failed in some way if they don't have the masses falling at their feet and envying them.

And it's important to have people really.

Check the logic of this and whether their happiness is about people, the degree to which people envy them, or their happiness is coming from somewhere else, like feeling safe because they feel they won't be rejected.

Have people identify three people in their life that they respect and love but don't envy and then discuss whether it's possible to respect and love someone and.

Not want to be like them or have what they have. You know, I have people in my life that I respect and I love to Death. But I'm not angry at them for their success.

Some of them are role models, but.

I don't envy them. There's no anger there.

Guilt and regret are anger directed at.

Yourself for things that you did and shouldn't have or didn't do and should have. You know, a lot of times we have guilt and regret about things we should have said to somebody or and we never got a chance to, or things we shouldn't have done in a relationship but we did.

Anger represents your mind's way of identifying.

A threat and getting you to do something. In what ways is holding on to guilt and regret an effective response to the threat?

If I feel guilty for all the.

Things that I didn't say to somebody before they weren't around anymore, how is that an effective response to that threat?

And how is it preventing me from.

Effectively responding to that threat? What would happen? Stated another way, what would happen if I let go of the guilt for doing that?

A lot of times people are afraid.

To let go of guilt because they're afraid if they forgive themselves then they'll make the same mistake again. Encouraging people to use guilt and regret and as learning tools, learning what they can do so they don't experience guilt and regret anymore. You know, so they remember to tell their significant other they love them or whatever just in case they don't get a chance to again.

Have people take 30 minutes and identify.

As many regrets as they can.

Review the finished list and mark off.

All guilt and regret things over which they have no control.

You know, you may regret or feel.

Guilty because the house was destroyed in a fire. Well, you know, I feel guilty sometimes when things happen that upset my family, but there's nothing I can do about it. You know, I don't have control and I wish I could, but I recognize that feeling guilty over it isn't going to bring it back. So looking at, okay, what can I do to improve the situation?

Cross off any things that you feel.

Guilty over that have no effect on your ability to live a rich and meaningful life. Like not taking your parents advice.

You may regret not doing that.

I regret there were things my parents said that I'd be better off today if I maybe if I would have followed it.

But I have a very rich and.

Meaningful life despite the fact that I made some poor choices in my youth.

Explore how you can accept the things.

And let go of the anger at yourself.

Of the ones left, whatever you haven't crossed off yet.

Brainstorm ways of addressing each of those resentments or guilt issues.

And consider addressing one each day.

Whether it's writing a letter to somebody or calling on the phone and making amends or doing something nice, whatever it is. Have people identify ways they can start addressing the guilt and letting it go. Because it's just self anger is so toxic. It's so draining. When we feel guilty, we are basically beating ourselves up emotionally and that's exhausting and it takes a toll on our self esteem.

Forgiveness is a power move. It allows you to choose to stop.

Giving your power to something or someone else to stop letting it make you angry. Encourage people to use the word I choose. I am choosing to be angry. I am choosing to stay angry.

Forgiveness doesn't mean it was okay.

Forgiveness means accepting reality as it is and choosing to learn from the experience.

And use your energy for things that.

Are more meaningful or that you have control over.

Now remember anger.

The initial feeling is natural, normal and protective.

Holding onto it and nurturing it, that.

Tends to drain our energy.

Anger exists on a continuum. It's a response to a real or.

A perceived threat designed to get you to do something. The intensity of the response often represents the level of threat to you in that moment when based on how you feel in that moment and your reserves.

Many, many times threats are perceived based.

On prior learning that trigger memories of critical self talk.

By knowing what's important and meaningful in.

Your life, you can more effectively identify what things actually represent a threat and respond more effectively.

Alrighty everybody. Thank you for being with me. And I did notice there were some. There was some conversation. And and anger is definitely a secondary.

Well, an accompanying emotion because when people feel depressed, they feel helpless and hopeless. Helpless translates to loss of power, which is a threat which makes can make us angry.

So yeah, I mean when we trace.

It back to those basic threats, we can see how depression, anxiety and anger actually can all sometimes coexist.

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