Relationship Skills: Love Languages

Welcome, everybody, to today's presentation. Today we're going to continue talking about relationship skills, but we're going to move on to discussing love languages. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. As always, please feel free to interact with me in the comment section. And in order to, you know, make this a little bit livelier, I will ask you some questions a little bit later in this presentation just to get you to, you know, kind of put on your thinking caps. But first, let's talk about what are love languages and why are they important to know for mental health? Well, love languages describe methods through which we communicate and understand love. So one of the things that we need as human beings is love. You know, think about Maslow's hierarchy. That baseline is food and shelter and all that kind of stuff. Then safety, then love and belonging. We. We need to feel loved. So in order to, you know, avoid or prevent depression and anxiety and abandonment anxiety and those sorts of things, we need to be able to experience love. People need to start by learning their own love language and use it to show love and compassion to themselves. And as we talk about the love languages, I want you to think about what is it that people do for you or you wish people did for you that would help you feel love? Most people use their own love languages when communicating with others, which can be great if the person that you are interacting with has the same love languages, but if they don't, then it may be kind of like talking in a foreign language. It's important to communicate with other people using their love language. You wouldn't expect someone who speaks only Spanish to understand you when you talk to them in English, you know, so it's important to recognize that other people may experience love differently. And a lot of times we learn our love languages from our initial interactions, from our primary attachment, from our family of origin. And that really shapes a lot of how we communicate. How our caregivers showed us love is often how we seek to be shown love. Love languages are also somewhat variable, kind of like dialectics. So it's important to define what terms mean. And we're going to talk about that in just a minute. Like I said earlier, learn your own love language by being mindful of what you want others to do for you. And then, guess what? Don't wait. Do it for yourself. If you want somebody to do acts of service for you, well, then figure out how you can do acts of service for yourself. And maybe that means taking yourself to the. To the barber, the beauty shop, or taking yourself shopping. Or, you know, whatever it is that would make you happy. You know, acts of service are often things we do for others to make life easier on them or make them, you know, feel happier. So it's important to define what these love languages mean. And remember I said love languages can be kind of like dialectics where. Or dialects, sorry, where in one place you talk a certain way and like. And in another place, the language is still the same. You're still speaking English, but the words people use are somewhat different. And it's important to recognize that, you know, not everybody defines acts of service the same way. So when you're talking to someone whose love language is acts of service, for example, you want to understand what that means to them. And one of the ways you can do it, as I said, was by observe them. You know, what do they do do if you're. If you've got a roommate. And their love language is acts of service, and they are regularly cleaning up the kitchen and trying to keep the house tidy. That might be a way that they communicate love and respect. Gifts, you know, what does that look like? Are you. If your love language is gifts or if your significant other's love language is gifts, what does that mean? Does that mean, you know, really big, expensive, ornate gifts or flowers that you picked from the side of the road? Touch is another one that is, you know, dependent on people's definition. For some people, touch means holding hands or an occasional hug. For others, touch is more like a massage or something that is more prolonged and maybe intense. So, you know, talking with people about, you know, how they experience, how they experience love, words of affirmation, you know, what does that mean to you? What would you want somebody to say to you in terms of words of affirmation? And when would you want those things to happen? And quality time. Now, this is probably. Of all five love languages, this is probably the one that is most ambiguous. You know, what in the world does quality time mean to you? Does that mean sitting in the same room watching TV and, you know, not saying boo to one another? Does that mean going on a hike together and talking, or going out to dinner where you're actually interacting? Going to a movie again, where you're just sitting there and not communicating? What does quality time look like? And I encourage people to identify. You know, we'll just start with quality time, because we're right here. You know, make a list of things that they would like to do with their friends, with their loved ones that would represent quality time. Do they want to, you know, would they think that hanging out with somebody around a bonfire would be cool, or camping or, you know, what is it that you would really enjoy doing with other people that would help you feel closer to them, that would help you feel more connected and loved by them. And like I said, that that's different for every single person. So it's really important not to assume that your other people's love languages are the same as yours. And it's important to us not to assume that they define these love languages the same as you do. So observe. What do they do for you? My daughter, for example, is big on words of affirmation. And even when she was knee high to a grasshopper, she would leave little notes around, you know, just encouragement notes if I had a big meeting or if I was getting ready to go take a licensing test or something. And words of affirmation were always something that, that she, she would use. So when I communicate with her, I make sure to use those words. Use words of affirmation to let her know that I love her. She's not big into gifts. You know, that's not one of her love languages. So I could buy her things from now until doomsday, and she'd be appreciative, but that's not how she experiences love. Acts of service are kind of the same way. What kinds of things could people do for you and when would you want them to do them? That show that they love you, that show that they care about you? You know, you don't probably want somebody doting over you 247 and, you know, constantly at your beck and call. You know, that probably is not what you're looking for. It could be. So what do acts of service look like? And again, make examples of them. So if your roommates, friends, significant others want to do acts of service, what kinds of things can they do that make you feel loved and appreciated and respected? You know, for me, keeping the house tidy is a big one. If people actually put their dishes in the dishwasher and don't expect me to always do the dishes, that's a big thing. You know, dishes in the sink is one of my big pet peeves. So when people help make sure that doesn't happen, you know, that communicates love and respect to me. So that is. And I know active service is one of my big primary love languages, followed by probably quality time. But what my love languages are, are sort of irrelevant. What are your languages? Think about, you know, make a list. You can do five columns or five pages, whatever you want to do. And in each column, identify the people in your life that communicate that their love language is that thing. So, you know, under acts of service, who in your life can you think of that? You know, when you start thinking about really how they show you love and affection and appreciation, you know, it's like, you know, they really do a lot of acts of service. So that's probably one of their love languages. So put them in that column. That way you're identifying, you know, how different people are responding, and you can make an effort to respond to them in their love language. Make sure you put yourself down, too. As I said, it is so important to love yourself. If you want somebody to, you know, nurture you, how can you make that happen? What can you do to nurture yourself? What kinds of acts of service can you do for yourself that, you know, you're being your own best friend, so to speak? What questions do you have about love languages? They're pretty straightforward, but it's really important to recognize them, because when people don't understand that you love them, then they may fear abandonment. So it's important to make sure that you're communicating in a way that they understand. All righty, everybody. Now remember, Love Languages was the Five Love Languages was written by Gary Chapman. So if you want to get back to basics and learn, you know a lot about that, you can go to 5LoveLanguages.com and that's his website. And obviously you can buy the book if you are interested in learning more about love languages. But I do encourage you to start being curious about how the people in your life express and experience love.