Relationship Tips for Influencing People: PACER Integrative Behavioral Health

Foreign I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on PACER integrative behavioral health. Today we are talking about relationship tips for influencing people and improving relationships. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. As always, we will start out and talking about how knowing this information can help you in all of your PACER dimensions. Physically, the more we have, we improve our relationships. The better we are at communication, the more likely we are to be able to reduce HPA axis or our threat response system over activation and associated stress related health issues like difficulty controlling blood sugar, insulin resistance, hypertension, autoimmune diseases, pain, difficulty sleeping, none of those things we want. And by doing everything we can to reduce activating that threat response system unnecessarily, we are going to help oursel achieve those goals effectively. When we have healthy relationships, it helps reduce our anxiety, it helps buffer our stress, it helps us feel less isolated and maybe even lonely. So that's awesome. Cognitively, we can inspire in ourselves as well as others enthusiasm and motivation in our relationships. When we approach relationships from a synergistic standpoint, it also can help us get out of a mental rut by helping us take different perspectives. A lot of times we get stuck in our own box, and that's not necessarily everybody else's box, but it can be. A lot of times though, getting stuck in that box makes it harder for, for us to see other people's perspectives and maybe even harder for us to be tolerant of other people's perspectives. Environmentally, it creates a supportive, tolerant environment. And one of the things that it seems to me we are really lacking in society today is the concept of tolerance, of allowing people to, to have their own opinions. We may not agree with them, but to allow people to have their own opinions and to use unconditional positive regard. Loving them for being human beings, loving them for being people. We may dislike some of their opinions, some of their thoughts, or even some of their behaviors, but unconditional positive regard means we love them for them. Environmentally, it can also increase earning potential if you are more talented at motivating other people. If you are better able to create synergistic relationships, you're probably going to fare better in the work environment, have more opportunities for advancement interpersonally or relationally. Being able to openly, communicate, honestly, communicate, respect one another, be, be tolerant of one another can enhance trust because then neither party is feeling like they need to not say something. Neither party is feeling like they have to hide or be chameleon like with their opinions or their thoughts. It Helps you improve relationships and make new ones. When you feel more confident, more open, more tolerant, and sometimes even more curious about other people, you know, how is it that they have come to this conclusion whereas you have come to another conclusion? It can increase your influence and an ability to get things done, which again, goes back to that enthusiasm and motivation. And it can help you handle complaints and sometimes avoid arguments. Just because you have a disagreement, a difference of opinion, doesn't necessarily mean it has to become an argument. So let's talk about how we can make all of this happen. Relationship tips. First, synergize, don't criticize. And a lot of these tips come from multiple different resources, but they start out with making friends and influencing people and seven Habits of Highly Effective People. And those are great places to start, but sometimes we need to expand upon that a little bit. And some of the things I found to be a little rich, a little bit redundant, I actually cut out for the purposes of keeping us down to 30 minutes. Anyhow, synergize, don't criticize. Other people may have different talents, different opinions, different points of view, or even different reactions to situations that is based on their experience. Instead of saying they're wrong, if we embrace the notion, at least momentarily, that from their perspective, maybe they're right. From their perspective, from the things that they've gone gone through, maybe they're right, it can go a long way to helping open a door. Instead of, say, starting out by saying, what I hear you saying I disagree with, so you must be wrong. We're saying, okay, what I'm hearing is different than what I believe or the talents you bring are different than mine. That's okay. It is great to be able to balance one another out. And, you know, I'll use the example of a household that may have one person who is liberal and one person who's conservative. You know, obviously people with different political views meet and carry on. It doesn't mean that they have to criticize one another. It's important for them to hear one another's opinion and synergize, Take what's useful from each other and work on that and nurture those similarities instead of focusing on and highlighting the the differences. Propose solutions, not just complaints. And this is one of the things that my first boss taught me so so much when we would go to his office, if we would have a concern, if we would have a complaint, it was important to him that we came with solutions. He's like, okay, there's a problem. What do you propose we do about it he didn't want to do the work for us, but he also wanted us to inspire us to, to take responsibility, to take control, to take ownership, to try to figure out how to do it on our own, to expand our capacities for problem solving. So all that's great. The same thing can be said from when you're talking with your kids. You know, if your kids have a problem with something, all right, well, if you're going to come to me with a problem, come to me with a solution too. And you know, my children went through a phase where my daughter didn't like the way my son was doing certain chores and my son thought that she was being overbearing. You know how these things are going to happen in households. And it was important when we sat down, instead of just coming to me and tattling, which I didn't like, that they came and they proposed solutions. Give honest and sincere appreciation. And we can draw from the work of the five love languages here. We want to give appreciation honestly. And even if you're dealing with somebody who, who you have a lot of differences with, you notice I'm not using the word conflict, I'm using the word differences. Try to focus. Keep a log if you have to. Try to focus and give honest and sincere appreciation whenever you possibly can. The more things that you reward, those things are going to happen more often. But remember to communicate that honest and sincere appreciation in a way that is meaningful to the person. Not everybody hears in the same way words of affirmation. Some people do, you know, if you leave a note on my desk that says way to go, when you guys, you know, tell me what has benefited you from the channel that is meaningful to me. That words of affirmation are one of my love languages. So that works for me. That doesn't work for everybody. Acts of service. And this can be true if it's an employee, if it's a child, if it's a loved one, anybody. What can you do to show your appreciation to make their life a little bit easier? It. And you know, it can be at home maybe doing a chore for somebody so they don't have to do it or taking them out to dinner so they don't have to cook or do the dishes or whatever their part of it is. Gifts. Even in the workplace environment, gifts can be appropriate. I'm not talking about jewelry or anything. I am talking about a card. A card that may say thank you or the place that I used to work, I had a list of the favorite drinks, non alcoholic the favorite snacks, the favorite music, and the favorite colors of all of my employees. So whenever they did something that was, you know, especially awesome or I just wanted to give them, you know, a good job, I could refer to that list and, you know, bring them a six pack of, of Pepsi or whatever it was that they liked to make them know that I recognized what they were doing and I appreciated it. You don't have to go that extravagant. You can just, like I said, start and stop with notes that people find on their desk or whatever that are meaningful. Quality time can also reflect honest and sincere appreciation. When my team would do really well, if we would make our benchmarks for the month, I would make sure that we had a catered lunch at the end of the month. And that was something that was a way to show sincere appreciation. Because we would spend quality time during those luncheons. We weren't doing business. We were getting to know one another and, and that was important. And touch. Now, touch may not be appropriate in the work environment, but in many other relationships, touch may be appropriate. Giving somebody a hug, giving them a handshake, pat, literally patting them on the back. Again, you need to use your social mores and what's appropriate. I'm not encouraging going up and randomly touching co workers, but in certain situations that may be appropriate. So that is the long version of people really do value honest and sincere appreciation. And it goes a long way if as people we take time out and notice those random acts of kindness, notice those little things that we usually take for granted and note them, Let people know that, hey, I really appreciate that you are always on time for work. That's one of those things that I'm like, well, you're expected to be, but it's really important. Even though it's an expectation to notice when people do it and you know, repeatedly and, and give them, give them kudos so they know that you recognize their efforts create a win win to motivate the other person to want to participate. And this is where we delve into temperament theory. And we did a lot of talking a few weeks ago about temperament. An extrovert is going to be more rewarded by something that involves other people and energy and the ability to engage with other people. Introverts are going to often be more rewarded by time to themselves, getting some, getting some downtime, for example. So an extrovert may not be as motivated by going on a retreat somewhere or you know, getting to go and spend time by themselves solving a project. Whereas an, an introvert might find the Ability to work from home for an entire week to get a project done, very rewarding. So if you have a project you really need to get done and you're working with an introvert saying, you know what, I recognize all these distractions can be overwhelming. So what would you think about working from home for the next two days or something? And that can be really motivating to them from the sensing and intuitive perspective. Sensors, remember they tend to be more detail and fact oriented. You want to make sure that they have the, the details that they need and they can see all of these details there and they may get excited about the ability to organize those. They are bottom up kind of thinkers. Intuiters are top down types of thinkers. So we want to motivate them by showing them the big picture future. When I used to write grants, remember I'm a top down thinker. That used to be what motivated me. I would see this grant and I would start out thinking, okay, what do I want to do with this half a million dollars that SAMSA is offering? And that, that would get me excited. People who, you know, don't think that same way would get overwhelmed by that. It's important we don't overwhelm people. Another aspect of motivation is just motivation. You know, are they more motivated by facts and what's logical or are they more motivated by how whatever you're asking them to do is going to improve harmony and help everybody else feel better or you know, do that sort of thing. And you can go back and review the videos we did on temperament later for more in depth awareness of these different temperament dimensions. And remember, with temperament we. The last dimension is what I call the time management dimension. Judgers really like structure. We love our day planners and our push notifications. Perceivers feel very hemmed in and sort of oppressed when they have a really rigid schedule. So if you're creating a win win and you're working with the judger, let them schedule it in. But if you're working with a perceiver, you want to give them time instead of saying, you know, I need micro. Perceivers do not respond well to micromanaging, so give them a task and say I need it by Friday instead of saying okay, by today, the end of the day today I need part 1, subset A of this and by tomorrow I need subset B. That will drive a perceiver a little bit bonkers. So pay attention when you're trying to motivate, to find reasons to help the person care about what you're asking them to do or to help people see how compromise or tolerance can work in their best interest. Again, even if they don't agree. And motivate the other person to want to participate. Helping them see, you know, how it works for them. Develop. And this is something you can do on your own. It doesn't involve other people as much. Develop a genuine interest in other people in order to want to understand them. To under want to understand what makes them tick and help them feel important even when you're working on a team. And the first team that I worked for or worked with did such a good job of this. I was a lowly little intern, you know, unpaid, still in grad school. And I was sitting on this team and everybody else. There were different levels of licensed clinician and they did a fabulous job of making me feel like my opinion was important. Yes, I didn't have my degree yet how. And they had many, many more years of experience than I did. However, as my boss put it at that point in time, sometimes fresh eyes give us a fresh perspective. And I'm like, oh, okay, well maybe I can talk up. Develop interests in people to understand their perspective. Think about where psychology or medicine or any of these other things would be if we didn't have different schools of thought that helped us understand, you know, different aspects of human beings. Encourage people, other people to talk about themselves and share their opinions. Sometimes that can be very overwhelming if you, you haven't mastered the whole tolerance and acceptance and positive regard thing because you're like, you know, I'm not sure I want to hear other people's opinions because they may not agree with mine or they may involve rejection or criticism of something that I'm doing and I can't handle that. Well, you need to deal with that stuff and we'll get down to that in a minute. But it is important to want to know not to always be the one talking. Even if you're an extrovert. And extroverts love to talk, introverts love to listen. It's important to, you know, for the extrovert to take a break and go, hey, you know, what do you think about this? And bring that conversation around. Pay attention to your non verbals. When you're in a discussion with somebody, whether it's a customer service manager or your boss or even somebody at work that you're disciplining or whatever the case may be. Pay attention to your non verbals. Try to have open hands, you know, try not to point. That's really aggressive. That puts people on the defensive. Try not to cross your hands because that, you know, tells people that you're very closed off. So try to stay open to whatever's being said and when appropriate, try to smile. Obviously if you're disciplining an employee or a child, you're not going to be smiling at them going, you know, that was really awful what you did. So smiling is not always appropriate, but a lot of times it can go a long way, especially for people who have a resting face. And I'm going to avoid the term that my children use, but the arresting face that looks unhappy and my mouth just naturally downturns and it's not that I'm unhappy if I'm like really seriously focused on something. Yeah, I look like I am just, you know, in an awful mood, but I'm really not. So pay attention to even your inadvertent non verbals when you are in a meeting, when you are in a discussion with somebody to make sure that you're not inadvertently communicating disapproval. Try to remember a person's name. Now, in Winning Friends and Influencing People or How to how to Win Friends and Influence People, he says that a person's name is the sweetest sound that they'll hear and use it as much as possible. I disagree on that and that is my personal opinion. You can go with him because he's the gold standard. But I tend to find it creepy when somebody uses my name too much. Know their name when you greet them, it's great to say their name occasionally, throw it in there. But if you use their name too much, it may feel awkward because in our culture we don't typically use people's names repeatedly in a conversation. So yeah, use their name carefully. Now let's talk about arguments for a minute. Arguments. Fights can be power struggles and trigger the fight or flight response in both parties. This is not where we want to go. As soon as that HPA axis kicks off and the fight or flight response kicks off, we have an adrenaline dump, which causes us to have more tunnel vision, which causes us to become more inflexible in our thinking, which causes us to often feel emotionally more defensive. We're in a protection state. So it's important when at all possible to try to not trigger that. So how do we do that? If you are getting ready to go into a discussion or a meeting that you think is going to be disagreeable to you, you know, sometimes it happens or you think it's going to be stressful in some way, or if you're in the middle of a discussion and somebody Says something and it just triggers you for some reason. Take a breath, inhale for four or six, you know, not obviously you don't want to make it like because that is inappropriate and rude. But just slowly inhale for a count of four or six, hold for a count of four or six and exhale for a count of four or six, depending on what your lung capacity is. That's why I say, you know, you have some range in there, but what you want to do is slow your breathing because when you slow your breathing, it slows your heart rate and triggers that rest and digest. So it'll start down regulating the that fight orf flight response. Breathing can be really important when you're have. When you're having challenging discussions. Explore pre, preferably prior to the whole encounter, explore why dissension triggers your threat response. Why is it when somebody disagrees with you, does it make you feel angry? Does it mean because you're not in control of that person? And then why do you have to be in control of that person? What would happen if they were, you know, independent? Or is it because you are fearful of rejection and abandonment? And if so, what tells you what facts do you have to support the notion that if someone disagrees with you, they will abandon you. And you may have facts to support that and if you do, that sounds like some stuff you probably need to process. But it's important to understand why criticism or dissenting opinions triggers your threat response, especially if it triggers it really strongly. Seek to find common ground and communicate respect. You don't have to agree with people, but seek to find common ground. If you both agree that, okay, we both want what's best in this situation, or we both want to make sure we pass our audit. And yes, I'm clearly avoiding current events because there that is so challenging and so threatening for a lot of people to talk about COVID to talk about vaccines, to talk about politics, that it is causing a lot of dissent and, and challenges and problems in relationships right now. So it's important to back up and say, okay, clearly we probably are trying to get to the same endpoint or a similar endpoint. So what is our common ground? And let me understand your perspective. Try to walk in that person's shoes or get in their head or whatever, you know it, whatever you want to say and communicate respect. Just because they disagree with you or have a different opinion doesn't mean that theirs is wrong. Like I said, based on their knowledge, their experiences, what they've seen, heard, been led to believe they may totally Believe what they've heard. So their perspective, they may be totally believe that their perspective is the right one and same thing for you. So it's important to communicate respect. People don't, most of the time, intentionally go into a situation and try to talk trash and cause problems. Now, there are those occasional trolls, especially online, don't get me wrong, but for the most part, I think most people really do want to, you know, try to promote harmony and try to feel safe. And that's what it comes down to. We also need to look at. In what ways is that person's opinion, if it differs from ours, in what ways does that a person's opinion make us feel unsafe? You know, if that were to happen, or if I did that, or if people believe that, how does that make me feel unsafe? And address that. One of the foundations of anger is a lack of a sense of personal power and a lack of a sense of safety. Support your position. When you're talking, it doesn't mean you have to agree with them. You can still have your own position. That's that whole boundaries thing. But support your position with specific, measurable facts. No name calling, no vague terms like you're a slob or you're a slacker. That doesn't do any good because the person doesn't know what behavior specifically they're doing or what thoughts they're currently having that you disagree with. Give them facts. If you're saying that this needs to be done because this is the right way, okay, well, how do you know it's the right way? It. When we write treatment plans, my favorite phrase is as evidenced by this particular thought pattern or course of action makes the most sense, as evidenced by. And then you state specific, measurable facts, preferably observable ones, and try to avoid extreme words like you always do this or you never listen to me, or you know, always never, you know, must you try to avoid those change? Must. Would. I would like to. When you're having a difference of opinion with people, even if it turns into a disagreement, own your own part, but avoid over personalizing. When I used to work in residential, and even when my kids were little, I used to say, when you're pointing at others, two fingers are pointing at them, but three fingers are pointing back at you. And yes, I know it's a finger and a thumb don't split hairs, but it's important to recognize that when we have challenges with other people that we have to own some. We had a part in it there. We had some part in it. What was your part and own the parts that are, you're responsible for. But avoid over personalizing. If you say something to somebody and maybe it's not the most tactful and they get offended and maybe even in your perception, they overreact. Avoid over personalizing that I encourage people to, when they feel like they're over personalizing, ask themselves what are three other reasons why this may have, might have happened. You know, maybe the person had already had a really freaking bad day and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. You know, it's kind of like the people that get irate when somebody leaves the toilet seat up or the tube off the, the cap off the toothpaste or something. You know, those things are not usually really deserving of rage, but sometimes it triggers that. So we want to look at, you know, what part did I play in that and what part did, you know, the universe or other people play in that so we don't over personalize and take responsibility for things that are not our fault and totally out of our control. When you're talking with people, start with the positive or a yes question, how's your day going? That can be a little bit vague. When you start with the positive, you put people at ease, you put them in a less defensive standpoint. Even when I'm talking to, you know, when I would talk to my supervisees, I would go in, I would sit down and I'd say, you know, tell me what, what the best thing is that has happened with your clients today, or what was the best thing about that session that you just had. I always like to start with what's the best thing? Because that forces people to go to the positive. But that's just me. If you don't want to, you know, ask an open ended question, you can start with a yes or no question that you are pretty darn sure is going to be answered with a yes. I mean, if it's 68 degrees sunny, very little wind outside it, I feel pretty confident saying to somebody, it's a beautiful day outside, isn't it? And most of the time people are going to say yes. If people are in a no pattern, you know, everything you ask them to do is a no or a yes. But that's fine, that that tells you that they are, you know, in this, you know, negative, protective, possibly or stuck mindset, that's okay. But try to figure out a way to break that pattern with a yes. Try to figure out some kind of question. If you're insistent on using yes or no questions, try to find some kind of question that you know they're going to answer with a yes. But better yet, ask open ended questions. Instead of saying, hey, did you have a good weekend? Say, what was the best thing that happened to you this weekend? You know, like I said, I always start out with the best because it encourages people to look at the positive. But that also encourages people to open up and start a dialogue instead of just giving that knee jerk response of, you know, how are you doing? Fine. You know, what was, what was the best thing that happened this morning on your way to work? Or, or what are you most looking forward to today? Those can be ways to open conversations to get people to talk about themselves. Remember the last slide? Encourage other people to talk about themselves and share their opinions. So starting with the positive and using open ended questions, you know, questions that can't be answered with one word are great. And finally, one of my favorites, think before you speak. And I find this is really helpful online and I use it a lot before I post. When you're getting ready to post online or say something to somebody, is it true? Honest, inspiring, necessary and kind. So let's really quickly go through those. Obviously we want to make sure what we're saying is true. Is it honest? Is it an honest, you know, response to what is going on? Actually, that was supposed to be helpful, not honest. Is it helpful? Sorry, I did this really early this morning. Is it helpful? It can be true, but maybe it's not helpful. If it's true, then try to say it in a helpful way. Is it inspiring? Try to make things that come out of your mouth inspiring. Instead of making people feel bad, maybe it can inspire them to do better or it can inspire them to reach past, you know, their perceived limits. Whatever you're doing, try to inspire them to grow. Is it necessary? And this is a big thing. Some, some things can be true. They can be helpful, but maybe they're not necessary. You know, when, as my children have grown up, I've learned that necessary one because sometimes it's important to let them try to do it on their own instead of mom, you know, jumping in all the time. So is it true, helpful, inspiring, necessary, and is it kind? Sometimes things are, you know, true, honest and, and are true, helpful and necessary. But it's important to say them in a way that is kind to avoid triggering that defensive reaction, that fight orf flight reaction in people most of the time. Even unpleasant things, even constructive feedback, we can find a way to say in a manner that is Kind it takes some work. Don't get me wrong. It, it's probably something you're not used to doing because this is not something that a lot of us were taught when we were growing up. But it can go a long way to creating more positive relationships if sometimes you just keep your mouth shut. But when you have to say something, you make sure it fits those criteria. Alrighty, everybody, what questions do you have? And itm to you. Ben, welcome to today's presentation. It's good to see you. One of my favorites is synergizing, not criticizing. Because, you know, when we did the temperament videos, we talked a lot about, you know, I shared a lot about my temperament and I team tend to be kind of extreme on some of my temperaments. But it's important for me to appreciate other people's opinions and other people's way of doing things. And you know, like I, I shared with you back then, my husband and I are sort of polar opposites on temperament. So we do things very differently and view things very differently a lot of times. But we compromise and come to the middle. And it helps, in my opinion, it helps both of us keep from going too far kind of to the extreme because we always find some common middle ground. Remember, you can use this information when you're talking to children, when you're talking to co workers, when you're talking to significant others, it's something. Or even when you're talking to the customer service manager and you're trying to return something, you know, customer service managers have a really hard job. I did it for a while so, you know, I have empathy for them. But remember to take a breath and get into your wise mind. When you start feeling yourself, get irritable, take that breath and take a step back and ask yourself in this situation, in this context, at this point in time, is there actually a threat to me? And if so, what can I do to control it? But if not, what is the next best step to improve the situation? Alrighty. Well, I really appreciate you guys being with me on this Friday morning. I know you have a lot of other stuff going on. YouTube has a lot of other stuff going on today. And you know, you have things that are weighing. So I appreciate you sharing your time with me. I will see you Monday morning at 9:30.