Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes explains a hidden limitation of emotional intelligence: even emotionally intelligent people cannot fully know another person's experience. She defines emotional intelligence (recognizing and regulating your own emotions and responding to others), then emphasizes that knowing has limits — we cannot access the totality of someone else's inner life. She advises using the posture "I don't know" before judging or trying to fix others, which reduces resentment and helps you respond appropriately while accepting your limits.
Chapters
Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on one crucial thing emotionally intelligent people don't know. I know we talk a lot about the things that emotionally intelligent people need to know, but we don't talk about what they don't know. So for those of you who are unfamiliar with the concept, emotional intelligence means the ability to identify your own emotions, the ability to regulate those emotions and respond to them appropriately, and the ability to recognize and respond to emotions in other people effectively. So there's a lot you need to know. But what is this thing that emotionally intelligent people don't know? They don't know other people's experience. And you might be saying, Doc Snipes, you just said that emotionally intelligent people need to be able to understand other people's emotions and respond appropriately. Well, yeah, that's true, but there's only a certain degree that we can actually know of another person's experience. So before we get frustrated with somebody, before we get judgy about what they're doing or how they're feeling or whatever, because it happens, it's important to step back and remind yourself, hey, you know what? I don't know. I don't know the totality of their experience experience. I don't know exactly what it's like to live in their head, to walk in their shoes, to go through whatever they're going through. And that releases a lot of resentment and anger and energy you might use when responding to someone else trying to fix it or change them or tell them how they should feel, which are not appropriate responses anyway. But it can also help you feel more empowered by saying, you know what? I responded the best way I knew how, but I really don't know exactly what they are going through at this point in time.
