Sensing Intuitive Understanding Temperament in Relationships and Recovery

This episode was pre recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar on demand. CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs. Register@Allce.com Counselortoolbox you. Hi and welcome to today's presentation, Relationships and Understanding the Temperament Dimension Sensing and Intuitive for those of you who haven't been here for the prior courses on this, we're first going to define temperament and examine how knowing your temperament and the temperament of those around you can help you improve your communication, enhance relationships, and reduce stress. We'll explore in depth the sensing and intuitive dimension, which is one of four dimensions that we're going to talk about and we'll identify potential conflicts. If you've got one person who's more sensing and one person who's more intuitive, or if you tend to be one way and your clients or children tend to be another way, we'll talk about how to blend those temperament styles. So temperament is a relatively stable set of traits referring to your preferred environments. And we talked about that in the section on extroverts and introverts. It also talks about whether you prefer learning and problem solving styles that are detail oriented or broad strokes. And that's really what we're going to be talking about today is the way of conceptualizing and approaching the world. Another dimension of temperament is the philosophical approach to the world. And that is your thinking versus feeling dimension or your laws versus ethics sort of approach to what motivates you to make the decisions you do. And then finally, time management is the fourth dimension of temperament, which is judging versus perceiving or structured versus spontaneous. And these aren't better or worse, they're just different. Most people are somewhere in between each point. They will have some very definite preferences for certain characteristics or certain environmental settings and things. But a lot of times they can kind of go either way unless they're really, really stressed most of the time. We find when people are really, really stressed, they tend to become more polar, if you will, in their temperament and what they need in order to feel in control and relaxed. Additional stress and vulnerabilities can be prevented through awareness of your personal preferences. So if you know you need some quiet time every day as opposed to being around of people to get energized, that needs to be involved in your recovery plan, in your daily routine for wellness and happiness and all that kind of stuff. If you know the preferences of those around you, you can also reduce their stress because, you know, I tend to be a person who needs, I need some quiet time every day But I really, really enjoy being around people, so I'm kind of somewhere in the middle there. But one of my children really needs some downtime every day. And people. While she likes people and she really enjoys being around people, being around a lot of people is extremely stressful for her. So when we're thinking about planning birthday parties, you know, my idea of a great birthday party is having 15 of her closest friends over for a slumber party. Her idea is having her best friend over and 15 girls for 48 hours is just way too much stress for her. So understanding her personal preferences, so I'm not imparting what I want onto her, but I'm understanding what makes her happy and what causes her stress. And knowing this stuff can also help you create an environment supportive of individual preferences. So again, like I said, I need to have time around people, and I get energized being around people. So I know that I may need to go out and be around people a few times a week instead of just coming to the office and going home. Whereas people who are more introverted tend to not need that same level of stimulation or same type of stimulation. They actually need time where they can be by themselves and get grounded and decompress. So it's all in the way you approach problem solving and making decisions and all that kind of stuff. And it's not better or worse, it's just different. So understanding that can help you respond more effectively, not only to your own needs, but to the needs of those around you. We're going to talk a lot about learning today. And learning is made up of three acquisition, conceptualization, and caring. So acquisition talks about how do you get the information in? Do you prefer taking it in in little details, or do you prefer a big picture? And then, you know, tell me the details later, but give me the broad idea. I tend to need the broad idea. So when we go to the movies, I always go to IMDb first and I read, you know, what is this movie about? Before I go in. I just can't go into a movie cold and watch it and go, hmm, I wonder what this is about. I need the global picture. Other people prefer not to have that global picture, or they don't care. So how do you get information in big picture first, or just details that build up to something really awesome? And how do you conceptualize things? Do you conceptualize things in terms of details and parts and building details up to get something big? Or do you conceptualize everything as small parts of a whole? So you need to know what the whole is before you can figure out where the parts go. And then the third part is caring. And that means why should I make room in my mind for this information? So if information is being presented in a way that's meaningful to you, so if you tend to be more of a sensing person, it's presented in smaller details, then it's going to pique your interest and you're going to care more about it because it's got the little details and you're seeing what's going together. For someone who's intuitive to really understand it and be motivated to make information make room for it, they need to know what the big picture is. Another way to look at it would be think about a computer. Do you put a bunch of files on a computer and then go back through and sort them into folders or do you need to have the folders and then you start putting everything into files? I tend to be a folder person. I like having my folders so I can have things lumped in just big broad strokes. These are bills, these are pictures, these are something else. A person who's more sensing will have, you know, pictures. But within that pictures folder there will be family pictures, animal pictures, vacation pictures, and it will be broken down very meticulously. So when we're talking about conceptualization of things, sensors tend to be very practical and realistic. They use inductive reasoning, which means small to big, and prefer facts and live in the real world. So a sensing person is going to say, you know, when it comes to money, for example, we earn this much money. This is what our bills are, this is when bills are due, so this is how we have to pay them and that's how we can go through life. The intuitive person tends to be a little bit more broad stroked and they go, okay, well we see that we make this much money and we can figure out how to use that money because there are also options like credit cards and loans and things like that. They use deductive reasoning and they'll say, we want to live this happy, enjoyable life, so what do we need to do to live a happy, enjoyable life? And then they'll work down from that big idea into okay, we need to put money here, here and here. So the sensor starts out with the small details and says we have all these bills and then whatever's left over we can worry about spending on recreation and vacation. Intuiters prefer abstraction, inspiration and insights. So they like to have that aha moment. They are not. They find facts and just day to day stuff kind of mundane. They like to look at the possibilities when it comes to relationships and couples. I gave the example of money earlier. You know, the intuitive person is going to say, what's going to make us happy? The sensing person is going to go, what's the practical thing to do when it comes to family planning? The sensing person may say, you know, a kid costs, you know, this much money to raise them from infancy through high school. And so in order to be able to afford a child, we need to wait until we have this much money in the bank and we're making this much money and yada, yada, yada, the intuitor might say, we want to have kids, so let's have kids, and we'll figure out how to pay for them after we have them. It's a different approach because the broad picture for the intuitor is we're going to have a family and we're going to have children and we'll figure out how to pay the bills because, you know, basically we can do it right now. The dreamer may feel stifled in a relationship with a sensor, because the sensor is very, very practical. Where the sensor may feel overwhelmed by the dreamer. The intuitor just, you know, let's just do this and we'll figure out the details later. And they're just like, no, I need details. We need a plan. We need to figure out if it works. Encouraging these two people to talk and find a happy middle ground where everything is not planned out to the nth degree. So there's a little bit of wiggle room for this broad picture. We also want to encourage them when they're making decisions and when they're planning things the sensor needs to keep in mind, keep in the forefront of their mind, what is this big picture? Yes, we've got all these details, and how are these details feeding into this big picture? Instead of just being stuck with their nose and the details, sensors, the facts kind of people sometimes get stuck in the box because this is what we're doing. This is the practical way to do it. This is the way we've always done it. It works great. Let's not make any changes because then we risk upsetting the apple cart intuitors. They don't even think the box is necessary. They're just like, oh, hey, you know, we want to build a dog house, so why get plans? Let's just go get some wood and see what we can do with it. You can see how these two temperaments might not get along so well. We're talking about recovery the sensors are very practical. They know what they need to do. They follow their treatment plan. They know, you know, basically what's wrong or what's causing them to feel depressed or anxious or want to use drugs, and they start to address it. And they've got a plan, they've got a relapse prevention plan, they've got a treatment plan, they've got a recovery plan, They've got all kinds of plans. The intuitive person sees recovery as a time to be happy and to enjoy life and to be free from, you know, all the chains that bind you and all that kind of stuff. So they may get frustrated if they have all this stuff that they have to do, all these facts and all these practical things like getting enough sleep and, you know, making sure you get to bed at about the same time every night. So when you're working on treatment plans with a sensor versus an intuitor, you want to know how practical versus how conceptual you want things to be. Now, even if you're working with conceptual, if you have an intuitor and you're trying to write a treatment plan on depression, and they say, I want to be happy, then we've still got to drill down a little bit and go, okay, what does happy look like to you? And have them give some examples that we can see. And they're practical examples, if you will. They're tangible. They're something that anybody can come and say, yes, you're not crying every single day. So we've achieved that goal. So we do need to get them to define what some of these details are. But they're going to start from happy. The sensor is going to start from, I've got all these problems right now, and I need to start making them go away. So the first step is to do this, and their eventual goal is happiness. But a lot of times they're coming from the perspective of putting the pieces together to work, to move away from discomfort. Whereas the intuitor sees this dream out there and they're trying to put the pieces together to work towards it and, you know, kind of work backwards towards where they are right now. Interventions. When you have these two people, whether you're an intuitor and your client is a sensor or two people in a relationship or however it works, sensors need to hear out the intuitors to avoid shutting them down or invalidating their creative process. They may have a lot of ideas about, okay, how can I get sober social support? How can I enjoy recovery? What kind of things can I do for relaxation? We want to hear it out, make a list of these things, and then start whittling it down for what's practical and doable. We want to encourage both people to create reasonable, structured goals and pace themselves. The person who is more detail oriented may start getting overwhelmed by all the details and all the things that need to be done. We don't need to do them all today. What do you need to do today? What do you need to do this week? The person who's more of the dreamer might get overwhelmed by all of the details and going, but I want to be here, and I don't want to have to go through all that mundane stuff. So we need to figure out what's going to work for that person. We want to encourage them to weigh the costs and benefits of any choices that they make based on their ultimate goals. Keeping that goal in mind, what is it that you are working toward? If the intuitor needs an outlet for their creativity, for their desire to be broad, stroke, instead of being so stuck in the details, encourage them to identify one project and start on it. Maybe they can learn how to crochet or start painting or landscaping or whatever it is that gives them a creative outlet. Intuitors tend to be very creative. Regularly communicate about the good things in the current situation. So the intuitor can relate how the current situation fulfills that happiness goal. And the sensor can communicate about how the good things in the current situation are building toward that happiness goal. We're still talking about the happiness goal, but we're seeing it from both perspectives. Identify what doesn't need to be improved. So often we get stuck on focusing on all the things that need to change. It can get overwhelming. No matter whether you're looking at it from the top down or the bottom up, it's overwhelming. There's a lot of stuff in there. Focus on the things that are good, what's awesome right now, Remember that the box is there for a reason. So the sensor, who we like our boxes, can help the intuitor use it to their advantage in order to get to that big dream faster. Because the box is all the details. So the sensor can say, okay, we need to do these six things if you want to achieve this goal. Over here. Sensors, on the other hand, your detailed people need to remember that every package needs a unique box. So it's not always going to be a big box or a little box or a square box or rectangular box. So remembering that just because there's a box doesn't mean it's necessarily going to fit. Whatever goals you're working towards. So bearing that in mind, you might have to change the box a little bit or get outside of the box in order to achieve your mutual goals. Centers focus on practical, concrete problems in recovery. I want to be less depressed, as evidenced by having the energy to get out of bed every day, having the desire to interact with family, and reducing my crying episodes to less than three per week. Those are very practical, concrete problems. We can work on those. They see the details when I'm depressed. These are all the details. This is what it looks like. But they may miss the big picture. What is happiness? What are you working toward? Intuitive people like to focus on complicated, abstract problems like what is it that's going to make me the happiest? And we can brainstorm a lot of things that would make us happy, but they may miss the details about what practical things right now can you do to start feeling better? You know, yes, we would like to help you change your outlook on life and all those things. But right now, what are some practical, concrete things that you can do to start feeling better today? Encouraging them or relating any interventions to that broad goal of where are you going with this? Or for the sensor relating it to these are the issues you've identified right now. This is how this intervention will help those particular issues. So you can feel happier when these two people get together or when you're dealing with these two temperaments. The person who's the sensor can get stuck in a rut focusing on practical, concrete problems. They get up, they take a shower, they go to work, they go to group therapy or a meeting. They come home, they read a book, they go to bed, they get up and they do it again. Are they getting enough sleep? Yes. Are they eating healthy? Diet? Yes. Are they doing their recovery activities? Yes. But are they happy? They may not be. They may be stuck in this sort of rut of I've got to do what I've got to do, that they're not taking time out to experience anything. The intuitor, on the other hand, may fail to achieve certain things because they're so focused on these abstract concepts about what does happiness look like, why are people happy? That they fail to do the basic things that will help them start moving toward being happy, like taking their medication as they're supposed to, avoiding drugs and alcohol or other practical things. So as a clinician, we want to look at what motivates this person. Are they trying to look at the details of their problem and mitigate those, or are they looking at their ultimate goal and trying to climb towards whatever that goal is. That helps you understand kind of where we're going with the sensor. You know, like I said, we focus on sensors, focus on details. When they have alleviated their depressive symptoms, they will be happy. That's just a byproduct of it. For the intuitor, their whole goal is to be happy. And in order to get happy, they need to alleviate some of the symptoms of depression. But you want to relate it to what they're doing. Are they escaping from misery or are they working towards panacea? The intuitor can make anything overly complicated. They want to look at meta concepts and about the impact of this on that. And even if you're just talking about neurotransmitters and physical health, there are so many meta concepts and so many different ways that our neurotransmitters and our thoughts and our behaviors are all interrelated. The intuitor can get lost in all of that. Yes, it's fascinating, or at least I think it is, but we need to take practical steps. At a certain point. Sensors can oversimplify and say, well, this is what we have. This is what we need to do in order to achieve our goal. ABC done. When we're talking about parenting, the censor may say, well, you know, John got an F. So the consequences for John getting an F is being grounded. He brought an F home, so he's grounded. Bada bing. The intuitor might want to look at. Let's talk about all the reasons John got an F and see if the punishment fits the crime. And so they can end up in this long drawn out discussion, or either party can end up feeling invalidated, encouraging people to understand how the other one approaches things. And it's not that they're trying to invalidate one another again, it's how they're wired. The practical person. If the intuitor appeals to their practicality, the conversation will go a lot better. For the intuitor, if the sensing person uses facts, the practical stuff, to address all of these issues about, well, does the punishment fit the crime? Then they'll have more of a discussion. Some things you can do to try to figure out where people are is the first one is the puzzle activity. Ask people, when they do a puzzle, do they put all the pieces out and just start, you know, putting things together to see what they get, or do they put all the pieces out, set up the box so they can see the picture, make the frame, and then work from one corner to the other? That helps you understand the person who uses the box. That's your big picture person. They want to see what they're working toward. The person who doesn't use the box is worried about, okay, all of these are little green pieces, and they're probably going to make this tree. Okay, we got the tree. Now all these are little brown pieces. So they're probably going to make the deer. Now we got the deer. Now I wonder how the tree and the deer go together and eventually they'll come up with that big picture. But they're not working toward the big picture. They're looking at how the different pieces fit together to eventually make something. The other thing you can do is ask the electricity question. When you turn on a light, how does it get there? What happens with electricity? The person who's more broad strokes is going to say, well, when you flip the switch, it completes the circuit and bada bing, you've got electricity. The person who's more detail oriented is going to go through this entire discussion of transistors and wires and completed circuits and not very detail oriented. So the electricity question goes over my head. Sensors can avoid the rut by reframing terms, always in terms of the bigger picture. Look up once in a while. You know, again, back to the puzzle. You've got a tree and you've got a deer. Let's look up and see what is it that we're working toward? You know, is it this whole landscape with a whole family of deer and how beautiful it is or what? So look up and enjoy the moment instead of just focusing on how the little pieces go together. Try not to get stuck in day to day. Must dos frame the day in terms of bigger picture. So if you're talking about you get up in the morning, what's the reason for getting up to go to work? Well, yeah. What's the reason for going to work? To make money. Okay. What's the reason for making money so I can buy the things I want. And why do you want to buy those things? So I can be happy. Oh, thank you. We finally got there. Sometimes you got to kind of drag them along to get to the big picture. So you can stop that instead of having to go through that and you can say, what is the reason you got up today? What is the overarching reason that you got out of bed? And, you know, so I can do the things I need to do so I can have the things that I want to be happy. Okay, that's your big picture there. So encourage people to look Up. And every time they make a decision to do something, reflect and go, is this getting me closer to where I want to be, the big picture? Instead of going, is this a solution for an immediate problem? Because sometimes the immediate solutions move you away from your ultimate goal. You know, they're great in the short term, but in the long term, they bite you in the butt. Ensure others understand the details, the whys and the hows. Sensors need to have other people understand the details. That's how they communicate. So they need to have people that can articulate that they've heard those sorts of things. When we're talking about recovery, again, it's important that the sensor enjoys recovery and doesn't just do things because that's what's on the treatment plan or because that will address the insomnia. We want to address the insomnia so you can have the energy to have fun and interact with your kids. Intuitors can avoid failure to achieve by keeping a list of things that have to be done and remembering that, you know, there's broad strokes. We want to be happy, we want to seize on those things that make us happy. But sometimes we got to do things that kind of suck, like pay bills or, you know, go to the gym. Encourage them to seek consult about any overlooked details. And I'll give you an example. At our house, we recently remodeled the laundry room. And, you know, I tend to be much more of a broad stroke person. So I walked out and I saw how the laundry room could be set up, and I'm like, this is how I want it. And I sketched it out, and we got into building it and building it and the way I envisioned it were not quite the same. There were some little details, like where the door was that I forgot to include, you know, details. So we needed to modify the plan in order to make it work. But working with someone who is a sensor, someone who's detail oriented, he was able to stop and go, I think you ought to come out here and look at this, because I'm not thinking it's turning out the way you envisioned. I envision things I don't plan, I envision. And that's just the way we work. So then I had to stop and go, okay, yeah, you're right. That kind of doesn't work. How do we fix it? And we could brainstorm from there. So both parties bring their strengths to every problem, to every activity. And it's important to compromise and to collaborate on what needs to happen, because each person has their own strengths in Problem solving. One thing you can do is identify one person to take the lead, top down, the intuitor or bottom up. So if it's top down, we're saying, okay, we want to be happy. So what are all the things we need to do to be happy? Well, what would that look like? And then how do we get there? Bottom up would be, we want to be happy. Why are we unhappy now? And how do we move away from that? So what are the steps? One person takes the lead. Ultimately, the goal is to be happy and they can make out their plan for these are the things we need to consider. And then the detail person or the broad strokes person will come in. The detail person may come in and go, yeah, you missed some really important details like going to meetings, taking time out for doing things that have to be done. It's not always. You're not always going to have time for recreation. Every evening, the broad stroke person may look at the detail oriented person's plan and go, wow, that is really complete and really thorough. But it doesn't sound like much fun. How can we have fun when we're doing this? When I was teaching my son, he was, golly, about two and a half. He had started Montessori and oh, I wanted to play so bad with him and I wanted him to enjoy playing with me and he just didn't. And I couldn't really understand why. So his teacher at that point in time was just amazing. So I invited her to come over and, you know, consult, take a look and what am I doing wrong? And she came over and she's like, okay, show me what you guys do to play. And I sat down and I laid out the blocks and I started talking about squares and shapes and because everything had to be learning and because I wanted him to be a smart little boy. And we got about three minutes into it and she's like, stop right there. And I was like, oh, okay, you figured it out. And she's like, yeah, you're boring. I said, what? She's like, he doesn't care about that. He wants to race the little cars and he wants to take the blocks and try to figure out, you know, jam them into holes. It's not like he's trying to figure out, let's look at this one and figure out if it's going to fit in this hole. That's just too detail. Let him experiment, let him explore. And I was just like, oh, okay, well, that's different. Because it wasn't how I was thinking of it. I was Thinking of it from more of a sensing perspective. These are all the things that my child needs to learn before he goes to kindergarten and she was looking at it more from the perspective of these are all the things he wants to do to have fun and he can learn in the process that just happens to be a happy byproduct. Know your strengths. Sensors Detail oriented pictures can miss the big picture Recovery Life relationships are supposed to be enjoyable. Don't get so caught up in trying to do things to make life enjoyable. Earn enough money, buy the biggest house, buy the car that will make everybody envious of you or whatever. Don't get so caught up in living in the future that you forget to reflect on what is good and what is fulfilling the big picture in the present. Intuitors can disrupt the big picture by failing to attend to details. They're so busy doing enjoyable things that they fail to pay enough attention to the required things. Another perfect example because I am more intuiter than I am sensor. My daughter just had her birthday and I had it planned out and we got up and we went to the mall and we went out to dinner and we came home, I baked her cake and everything was grand and I was getting ready to ice the cake and I had forgot icing. It's a detail, you know, I baked the cake and we were going to have birthday cake and everything but I forgot the icing so you know, dropped back in punt, went out to the store, got icing. It was all good. But you can see how if I would have consulted her father who is much more sensing, he might have pointed out that mission critical items as he puts it, one of them would have been icing for the cake. Oh, and candles. I forgot candles too. Sensors are content in general. Believe if it isn't broken, don't fix it. And may think those preferring intuition are impractical. So they're happy with the way things are. They like they focus on facts, day to day experience going through life plug and chug. This is good, it's stable, it's controllable. We know where we're going. Intuitors like to live in the world of possibilities. So we've got this right now, but wouldn't it be better if or how could we make this more efficient or in recovery A lot of times people start in a 12 step program and not that you have to be in a 12 step program for recovery, but for this example they start in a 12 step program and then they start trying to want, wanting to try it to do it their own way, you know, well, we could do it this way, but what if instead of going to meetings every single day, I went to meetings once a week and went to meetings online the other six days, or this, that or the other. And the feedback they will most likely get from the group is, we've always done it this way because it works. Follow the footsteps of people who have succeeded and you too will succeed. Which, as a clinician, you know, we can argue some of that because no two people are alike, yada, yada, yada. But the intuitor is always looking for ways to individualize it, to personalize it, to make it better. They believe anything can be improved on, whether it's their relationships, their own recovery, the process of recovery, or. Or even themselves. Intuitors are always doing some sort of self improvement activity. And they may think that those preferring the practical lack vision. The fact that, you know, sensing people are very happy. You know, they've got a nice house, they get up, they go to the gym, they come home, they go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed, they're content with that. The intuitor goes, yeah, that's great, but what could we do to make it better? Intuitors can focus so much on the future that the present crumbles around them. They use phrases like, when we make a million dollars, everything will be better. When we finally get a house that's big enough, everything will be better when we. You can see where I'm going with this. Instead of focusing on what's going right in the present and nurturing that, if a person is focusing on things will be better when we get a bigger house. So they spend 80 hours a week at work and they don't spend any time with their family. What impact is that going to have on the family relationships? You know, in the short term, maybe not a lot. In the long term, you can see where that could be a problem. The intuiter is living in the future, the family is living in the present, and they never end up catching up with one another. Intuitors can get frustrated with sensors for not wanting to improve things. Sometimes sensors go, you know what, things are really good right now, and you've only got so much energy and we need you to focus it here. I tend to be very guilty of wanting to take on three and four and five projects at work. And then, you know, it's just I start feeling overwhelmed. Whereas my partner is very practical and says, hey, you know what? You've got these things that you've identified as your main priorities. How is taking on one more project going to impact that? Something's going to have to give. And he's always right when it comes to that. So I've got to suck it up and go. You're right, I need to choose. But that's where intuitors and sensors can work well together. But intuitors need to make sure that they don't take on so many other things trying to improve the future that they sabotage themselves in the present. Sensors may focus so much on doing things how they've always been done that they miss opportunities for enhancement. Sometimes there are things that we do that, you know, it's the way it's always been. That worked 20 years ago, but now that there's computers, there's a different way to do it. You know, meetings are one of those things. Back in the day, you had to go to a brick and mortar meeting if you were going to go to a meeting at all. In 2016, you can go to online meetings. Are they exactly the same? No, I mean, online is different than brick and mortar, but there is, you know, people can access meetings even if they're living in the middle of rural nowhere and it's 40 miles to the closest meeting. So a lot more things have become accessible. So sometimes we need to stop and go. Is requiring people to go to a face to face meeting mandatory, or are there other alternatives so people who live 40 miles away can afford to do it not only time wise, but financially? Acceptance and commitment therapy helps people define values and goals for the individual, for themselves as well as for their relationships, for their work, organization for their family and recovery. I mean, generally each one of those things has slightly different goals. I mean, ultimately, peace, harmony and happiness, yada yada. But the individual may have some different goals and values than maybe the organization for which they work or as a part of their family. I've worked with couples, I've known couples who've had very different religious, philosophical, or political approaches to life, but they've made it work. It's important that you define what your values are. And you know, if you are two different philosophically based people come together and decide what are our common, shared values that we're working toward as a couple or as a family. And that's when you start making decisions based on that. Explore what you're currently doing. That's meeting your personal goals as well as your couple, family and employment goals and embodying those values. What are you doing now that doesn't need to be changed. You're already probably doing some of the stuff. And then, like I said, review any new projects, tasks or improvements in terms of helping you achieve your identified goals. And I tell people to keep it to three. Three personal goals. You know, what three values do you want to be known for as a couple? What three things at most are important to you? What do you need to have to feel happy and okay as a couple, as a family? What is important to you? You know, three things. So even just with three things, that's nine individual, couple and family, nine values that you're trying to kind of juggle, work toward. So there's a lot of stuff and we need to pare it down and prioritize. Sensors tend to want specifics and tend to be very literal. If you say to a sensor, you need to write in your journal twice a day, every single day. They're going to say, okay, twice a day. Like, you know, lunchtime and dinner or in the morning and at night, or just whenever, you know, I need a time. Give me some structure here. And how much should I write? Am I just writing a sentence or what am I supposed to write about? They want details. The intuitor, not so much. If you say you need to write in your journal twice a day, they'll say, okay, and they'll write in it twice a day. It may be at 7pm and 8:30pm but they'll write in it twice a day. Sensors have difficulty extrapolating interpretations from data. They get the data, it says 69% this and 31% this. And so obviously 69 is the stronger argument. Okay, bada bing, the intuitor will go, alright, well, I wonder why that one came out as 69. What different things might be influencing the results of that study? Intuitors are always looking for the confounding variables. I can't read a story about a study in the news. I can't read a journal article without trying to figure out, I wonder if there are any other possible ways to interpret this. Or what are the confounding variables that might have created this. But that's just the way my mind works. The intuitor can be manipulative with word games. For example, recovery. The intuitor might say, I'm in recovery, I'm going to meetings and I'm an alcoholic and I haven't drank, had any alcohol in six months. Now I'm still using cocaine and smoking marijuana, but I am not drinking alcohol, so I'm in recovery. Whereas the sensor is very literal and may say, recovery means Clean and sober from all mind and mood altering substances. So I'm not in recovery because I drank coffee this morning and that's a mood altering substance. So we need to, you can see where you might need to work with people to help them define their goals in a way that's meaningful. Sensors may have difficulty trusting people because they are so literal. If somebody says, I've never lied to you and the sensor goes, yes, you have. What about the time you told me you were going to your friend Sally's house and you went to your friend Susie's house instead? What about the time you did this? And they highlight inconsistencies because they're very literal. If you say you never did it, then there should be no inconsistencies which may lead them to be have difficulty trusting. We need to help sensors be a little bit more loosey goosey with, you know, when somebody says they never or they always, let's look at most of the time in general as opposed to holding them accountable for every single move and every single breath. Because we all make mistakes. None of us is perfect. Sensors may feel attacked if the intuitor proposes alternate interpretations. So going back to, you know, maybe John is in recovery and he relapses. And so John being sensor, looks back at all the details and all the facts that led to the relapse and is very literal, practical and methodical about figuring out what led to the relapse. But the intuitor comes up and goes, yeah, I hear all those things, but I'm wondering if this happened. Or maybe, maybe you're not taking into account this, that and the other. And John may feel very invalidated because he's come up with an understanding of how things happened and the intuitor is not happy with, with just that one answer. The intuitor wants to look for all the possibilities, helping people understand that. Some people like to look for possibilities. They like to ponder. And it's not meant to be invalidating. It's because they're curious and you know, sometimes they have great ideas, sometimes they are way off the mark. Take what you need, leave the rest. In relationships, sensors may have difficulty exploring multiple motivations for things. So if John, he's a sensor, he's at home and his partner comes home and she's just in a God awful mood. He comes up with, I'm home and I'm sitting on the couch and dinner's not ready and these are all the facts and you're in a God awful mood, therefore you must be mad at Me because dinner's not ready when you got home. The intuitor might have a totally different interpretation. So we might need to encourage John to look at three possibilities. When something happens, look at three possibilities for why it might have happened in order to give John a little bit more psychological flexibility. The intuitor, on the other hand, can run rampant with speculation. You know, maybe flip tides or flip sides and say Jane is home and John comes home and he's in a God awful mood and Jane starts running rampant with all these speculations about what happened. Was there a problem with the car? Did your boss give you a really hard time today? Was it that guy that is two cubicles down from you? Was he being snotty like he's always being, and just constantly running kind of rampant with speculation about what might be causing John's bad mood instead of maybe looking at what's just the very obvious practical reason or letting John tell her. Interventions encourage active listening and open communication. We don't want either party to feel squelched or talked over. So if the party that happens to be the intuitor, the speculator, is listening, listen for what the other person says. And you don't necessarily need to postulate all of these possibilities unless the person asks for it. If you are a sensor and you're listening, listen and be open minded to the possibilities that, okay, this person's looking at different interpretations and different possibilities. The sensor may get a little frustrated with this, but learning to have patience and know that that's how the intuitor works through problems, they look at all the possibilities and then they come down to what's the most probable. Intuitors need to be self aware of the motivations guiding their interpretations because they can create a self fulfilling prophecy. If Jane assumes that John is in a bad mood because of something she did and this is her interpretation of it, then maybe she gets irritated and she's like, where do you get off having an attitude with me? Let me tell you about my day today and da da, da da. Then all of a sudden John is in a bad mood because of Jane's behavior. So you want to make sure you understand how, how your interpretations are guided by motivations and not create something that wasn't necessarily there. Sensors need to be aware that although it may appear one way, there are potential other explanations. Which goes back to the identify three possible reasons that cashier might have been in a really bad mood. Was it you? Was her boss grumpy? Or maybe her kid was sick? Those are three possibilities that could put anybody in a bad mood. Help. Both types clearly define goals and objectives for their relationship, for recovery or wellness. You know, they may not be in recovery from depression or addiction or something, but they want to be happy and healthy. So what does that look like for them? And for communication, in order to feel heard, what do you need? Sensors would rather do than think. Sensors are the people who get an idea and they jot it out. They make a plan, and they get started. And that's just the way it is. Intuitors would rather think than do. Which, when I plan my garden, I start planning my garden in January, sometimes November, because I got to order the seeds and everything. But I will plan it, and then I will replant it. Then I will redesign it one more time, trying to figure out the most efficient, effective way. Sound like a theme here? The sensor says, okay, it's spring. I want these 15 crops. I need this much square footage. Let's get the tiller out and get started with this. So when it comes to home improvement projects, finances, parenting, or relationships, sensors may start doing things before fully exploring all the possibilities. And intuitors may be so busy looking at the possibilities that they never get started. For example, can you plant two different types of squash next to one another without them cross pollinating and creating some sort of mutant melon? There's always more to learn. At a certain point, you need to get started. Intuitors may feel left out as the sensor takes the lead. So if the sensor says, you know what? We're gonna have a garden, we really need to get it plowed up and get started. So I'm going to go out and I'm going to start tilling, and whenever you're ready to plant, I'll be out there. So the intuitor may feel like, well, but what if that's not what I want? They need to communicate about, okay, what's the deadline? At what point do we have to make a decision and start action? Sensors may get frustrated with the intuitor's continual pondering of, how could I do this better? What could I do this way? Make a plan, make a decision, and get going. Once they understand how they approach life, it's a whole lot easier to communicate because it doesn't feel as personal. If the intuitor is still pondering and the sensors like, are you not hearing me? We need to get going. They understand that that's how they're wired. And they can kind of call each other out on it, and the sensor can say, you brainstormed 16 different ways, you've come up with a bunch of really good ones. Now, which one are we going to do? Because we need to get the garden planted or we need to start the recovery process? Encourage active communication and agreement on end result before commencing work. So if you're talking about taxes or vacation planning or home improvement, relationship improvement or recovery, what do you want it to look like when you're finished? Are you going to for taxes, are you going to itemize, or are you just going to do the standard deductions? Are you going to do this, are you going to do that? When it comes to vacation planning, exactly what is it that you hope to get out of this vacation? You want a suntan? Okay, that means we need to probably go, you know, somewhere in the Caribbean. You want to explore the world, Maybe we can go on a cruise to Alaska or something. But what are your ultimate goals? For this, the sensor needs to clearly assign goals and start and end dates. This is our big goal. This is what we've talked about that we're working toward. What date do we start and what date do we need to be finished? And then there's wiggle room in there for the intuitor. You know, there's going to be some time to get ahead, to ponder and to maybe change things a little bit. But at least you're starting out with some structured goals. Periodically stop and evaluate. You may need to adjust, adjust the goals a little bit, but at least you're making progress. Each person is a combination of some sensing and some intuitive characteristics. Knowing your own preferences can help you reduce your vulnerabilities and stress. Now remember, vulnerabilities are those things that tend to make you more likely to get anxious, depressed or angry. So you know, anything that makes you edgy. Knowing the preferences of your friends, family, co workers can help you understand more about how to interact in harmony with them so you don't increase their stress. If they want broad strokes, then you know, you know you can give them broad strokes. If they're the type of person who wants the specific details, you go to them. If you have a proposal, maybe your kid comes to you and wants to buy a car and you're a sensor, that child will probably have a plan written down of, this is how much I want to spend on a car. This is how I'm going to afford it. This is where I'm going to work, this is how much I'm going to make per week, and on and on and on details. If the child is more of an intuitor they'll probably come to you and go, I really want this car. It costs this much money. So I need to find a job that's going to pay me somewhere around this much per week. Where do you think I can find that? Just a different way of approaching things. Just like two people with depression may have different symptoms, two intuitors or sensors may have different intuitive or sensing traits. So always give them a sheet with the characteristics, have them check off the characteristics that most represent them, and then figure out how to tailor the treatment plan or the work environment or whatever it is to meet that person's particular needs. And ask them, you know, how much can you compromise on this? Because we all have to have a little bit of give. What is it? How much wiggle room can you have before you start feeling stressed? So quick assessment. If you're talking to somebody and you're trying to figure out if they're a sensor or an intuitor, do they focus on the details which would be a sensor or the big picture, which would be an intuitor? A lot of professors tend to be intuitors because we like to talk about meta concepts. Are they action oriented or great planners? Sensors tend to be very action oriented. They make a plan and they move on it. Intuiters tend to make plans and then make more plans, and then make more plans after that. Are they typically content or are they always looking to improve something? And then think to yourself, what is it of these characteristics, you know, what describes you so what do you bring to the table that complements this other person or this environment or that may not be the same, but it may bring a different strength? So in what ways are you similar and what ways are you different than the current environment or than that person? And, you know, how does that work together? How can it be perceived as a strength instead of a hurdle? Are there any questions? One thing I find in recovery and treatment planning is this sensing and intuitive dimension is really important in helping people figure out sort of how to approach recovery and how to approach life, because they're learning new skills. If they've been depressed for five years or if they're dealing with anxiety, they're learning new skills. Yes, they have all this stuff that they need to address, stuff they need to learn, but they need to remember what they're working toward and have that image there clearly to work with. If you're doing groups with a variety, obviously there's a variety of people in groups, always provide an overarching topic. So your intuitors have an idea about what group's about and then provide sort of a step by step outline. You know, not super detailed but highlight the bullet points of what you're going to go through in group so the sensors know what the details are and they can see what they're working to put together. Remember, if you have any questions that you can think of you can email me@supportlce.com otherwise I will see you in our next lecture. Thank you for being here today. I very much appreciate it. If you enjoy this podcast, please like and subscribe either in your podcast player or on YouTube. You can attend and participate in our live webinars with Dr. Snipes by subscribing at allceus.com counselortoolbox this episode has been brought to you in part by allce.com providing 24.7 multimedia continuing education and pre certification training to counselors, therapists and nurses since 2006. Use coupon code counselortoolbox to get a 20% discount off your order this month.