Sexual Diversity & Kink: What Every Counselor Should Know

I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on sexual diversity. Overview the Culture of kink in 2024 I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. The following presentation involves frank discussions of kink and sexuality. While not graphic, some of the content might be triggering for some people. This series is meant to provide an overview to help clinicians understand kink, BDSM and poly and consensual non monogamy, but is by no means all inclusive. It is the first in a series of videos designed to increase awareness of common issues faced by clients who practice some of these behaviors and help clinicians identify areas where they may need further training. This presentation does not discuss sexual orientation and and as such, LGBTQ + issues specifically will not be expressly discussed. There is an LGBTQ plus video on the Doc Snipes Channel. People looking for those resources that being said, in this video I'm going to try to explain why it's important to understand various sexual practices, including kink, polyamory and ethical non monogamy. We're going to define different types of sexual practices that clinicians may encounter, explain the DSM5TR stance on kink and other practices, and describe the mental health impact of kink on participants in this series. Today we're talking about sexual diversity and kink. Then we'll talk about next week we're talking about BDSM and not too far in the future we'll talk about polyamory, open relationships and consensual non monogamy. Okay, so this is part that might be triggering for some people, but it is an important introduction. Would you be concerned or not? If if a friend or a client revealed taking part in this activity? This one an individual gets a rush out of being put in terrifying situations which makes them scream and cry out in fear. They engage other people to put them in special devices which will result in these effects. When the time in this device is up, their face is white and they have tears in their eyes, but they beg them to let them go through it again. What about this situation? A woman asks strangers to cause her extreme pain to her genital area. She does this regularly as she feels more attractive following the painful session. Sometimes she'll even do it to herself and if it's done right, no permanent harm. A small group of people arrange to meet in a private space in order to watch others role playing, being assaulted, humiliated and tortured. They find this an enjoyable way of spending their evening. Two people arrange to take part in a public scene. They spend a great deal of time, preparing separately in advance. On the night, they dress for the occasion in clothes made of satin. Watched by a gathered group of people, they strike each other. The scene is get considered successful if one of them briefly loses consciousness. The beatings are so severe that they can result in permanent damage. A woman spends several hours preparing her appearance. She chooses from items of clothing on which she has spent a lot of money, all of which painfully restrict parts of her body, forcing it into an unnatural shape and making it making it impossible for her to function normally over an extended period of time. She knows this will damage her permanently. However, she experiences great pleasure despite the pain. As a part of a group ritual, a man consents to an event which he knows will be grueling, Although he doesn't know exactly what will take place during the event. Among other things, he's put in an altered state of consciousness, stripped and left alone in public. All right, now, thinking of those, most of us, our minds go to the darkest possible place. But what else could this describe? The first one was a roller coaster. Riding that roller coaster, you finish, your face is white, you're sweating. That was a rush. A bikini wax hurts the genital area. Watching a horror movie with friends, Criminal Minds, Law and Order, svu, There's a lot of graphic crap on tv. Dressing in satin and assaulting each other till somebody pass out, passes out. That's a boxing match. Wearing clothing that's painful and expensive and ex restricts your movement and can result in permanent damage. It may include high heeled shoes or a corset. And then the guy that was stripped and left naked in public could have been a stag or a bachelor party or a fraternity pledging. So there are a lot of things that we may consider or not consider normative, and it's important to explore, you know, exactly what's going on. Is it being done? And I'm going to say this a lot over the next few weeks in a way that's safe, sane, and consensual, and we'll define those a little bit more later. Kink itself. This is a broad umbrella, okay? This is pretty much any alternative sexual behavior that doesn't fall in line with sort of mainstream vanilla sex. Kink is a form of playing. According to Claire Kavanaugh, it's everything that falls outside of the confines of having some sex simply to orgasm. Which means it can take many different forms. The term kink describes sexual behaviors and identities encompassing bondage, discipline, domination and submission, Sadism and masochism, collectively known as bdsm, fantasy and toy play and sexual fetishism. Male chastity is another activity that has grown in popularity in recent years with a large online presence and many social media accounts that have tens of thousands of followers. Kink can be situational, so something that you do once in a while in the bedroom or occasionally for your sexual activity. Or it can be a lifestyle based thing where someone is a submissive permanently in the relationship. There's a permanent dominant submissive dynamic there. Another branch of kink is the furry, feathered and scaly population. These are people who spend a whole lot of money, a whole lot of money creating Persona outfits. I try not to call them costumes because that's they're not playing dress up. They are reflecting their personality and their Persona in an anthem. Anthem, you know, in a fe, furry, feathered and scaly way. Being in a furry or other Persona is a way to get creative expression, community belonging, and roleplay needs met. And for many, it's less about sex. And this is really important because when people first hear about a client or someone they know engaging in furry, feathered or scaly behaviors, they may think that it is odd or a paraphilia. And it's not. It is not a paraphilia. It is an expression of their personality. 30%, 37% of respondents to a survey of furries answered that the sexual attraction is important in their furry activities. 38 were ambivalent and 24 answered it has little to no, nothing to do with their furry interests. All right, so let that sink in. 5, 2. 72% of people who engage in the furry lifestyle, it's not about sex for them and it's not about sexual attraction. And it is a way that they have found to get their needs met. And thinking about yourself, thinking about other people that you work with, your friends, we all have different ways of getting our love and belonging needs met and different ways of acting. Some people go to dance clubs, some people love to go and sing karaoke and be, you know, center of attention. Some pe. Everybody has their different activities that they engage in, but we need to reflect on this as something that is meeting a need that they have. And it's not hurting anyone else and it's not hurting themselves. In terms of kink. In one study, 260 people engaged in a survey about the origins of their kinky desires. Now, that's not, not a huge sample size, but there's not a whole lot of actually good PubMed related research out there on kink and BDSM and sexual practices. So I'll take what I can get. According to the survey, engaging in kinky practices originated from their identity, their personality, their personal taste, and just through role exploration. That was true for 73% of the population. So that's three quarters almost nurture. Their life experiences played a part for 38%. And yes, you have people that selected more than one option. However, fewer than 19 of the participants mentioned any kind of trauma shaping their sexual behaviors in their responses. And it was asked about. That's another common misconception, that people who engage in kink and alternative sexual behaviors must be, quote, unquote, working through some sort of trauma. And that ain't it. It is a way of playing and enjoying and exploring their sexuality that they have found works for them. The next one is supposed to be nature. I put an M there instead of an N, but nature, some people believe that they were just wired that way, and that was 22%. And then another 10% said they were uncertain. So some people may think, well, part of it was nature, part of it was nurture. And I'm uncertain about the other part. You know, there's a mishmash here, but the take home message is that a lot of it has to do with personal exploration. Kink does not necessarily involve multiple partners or orgasm without sex. Kink is something that can take place between heterosexual couples, between LGBTQ couples. It can take place in any sort of sexual relationship. It can even take place with somebody by themselves. That's also something that we need to understand. There's is a lot of pathology or patholog stigma, Stigma, we'll call it stigma surrounding kink related behaviors, especially in people who have a high religiosity, if they're not engaging in kind of standard vanilla missionary sex, they feel guilty about it. And we need to explore with them. If you're working in a, in a spiritual setting, help them explore what scripture actually says about it in terms of what they're doing. There's a lot of discussion about some behaviors in the Bible and I'm not going to get into those, but for a lot of people, and we're going to get to it at the end of the presentation, the stats on shame and suicidality. But for a lot of people who have received the messages for many years that anything other than vanilla sex is shameful and sinful, feel very confined and depressed, and potentially suicidal. Kink is always underscored with the notion of here it comes again. Safe, sane and consensual. So what does safe mean? Well, safe means if you're Going to do something that could potentially be dangerous, like skydiving. Safe. Get training from somebody. Don't just start doing it out of nowhere. If you're going to engage in BDSM and bondage. Bondage can have lasting repercussions, as can discipline. It's important to get trained, not just read a, you know, bondage for dummies book and think you know how to do it without actually causing permanent harm. Now, with skydiving, and, and this kind of goes with safe and sane, I personally wouldn't jump out of a perfectly good airplane. You know, that would not be something that's high on my list. I think it's kind of insane. But a lot of people do it, so clearly it's not. That is my personal belief and my personal fear that underscores that belief. So we need to separate our biases and our fears from what we're really looking at and make sure that the person is, you know, being smart about it. You know, getting the training from a certified or licensed skydiving partner. If they're skydiving or whatever, making sure that they're getting involved in a community that is supportive of their kink behaviors or they have some sort of training or tutelage from somewhere, you know, the going about it smart, and they're engaging in behaviors that can be done safely and they're only done consensually. So not saying encompasses behaviors that would be potentially life threatening and done in unsafe circumstances and under duress, like skydiving. Yeah, it's, you know, you can argue about how safe and sane it is, but people do it all the time and nobody bats an eye about it. And, and I think it's a, that's a wonderful example because if your parachute doesn't open, you're screwed. So permanent damage can result. But there are precautions that you take. Just like with kink, there are precautions that you take. And in terms of safe and sane, when a person engages in it, does it help the person feel empowered and good about themselves? When they're finished with the sexual activity with the kink, do they walk out of it going, wow, that was awesome, or I feel good about myself, I feel empowered? If they do, then that's great. Do we want people to do things that help them feel accepted, loved, safe, empowered? Certainly now we don't want them engaging in behaviors to, quote, try and feel loved when it's going against what they want. And there's a difference. We need to help people figure out is, is this activity something that you want to do, and it's helping you feel positive when you finish the experience. BDSM 15 to 20% of people in some studies report engaging in BDSM. And the studies that I, I was looking at, the definitions were kind of all over the place, if you will. Some of them talked about, you know, corporal punishment and, and others talked about spankings. You know, at what point does, you know, a playful spanking or a spanking spanking move into corporal punishment or whipping? How do you define those things? And it's important to talk about that with your clients, and it's important for them to talk about that with their significant others when they're engaging in those behaviors. Communication is absolutely crucial to make sure that everybody's defining things the same way. And as always, there's a safe word, there's an option, a, a, an emergency button that, if you will, that they can say to, to stop the scene, to stop the activity, because it's pushing past their boundaries. BDSM is a set of sexual activities that include role playing, bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, and ma masochism and related behaviors. So there's a lot of different activities that be can be included in sadism, masochism, and discipline. There's a lot of different types of bondage that people can engage in. And you don't necessarily have to be in a dominant sub relationship to engage in some of these. You can be in what's called a switch relationship. BDSM relationships vary from other sexual relationships because there is, in any given scene, a dominant and a submissive partner. There's somebody who's taking the lead to help fulfill the desires of the submissive. The dominant is rewarded, is pleasured by being able to provide pleasure and to the submissive. And I know that sounds kind of backwards, but ultimately, and we're going to talk about this a lot next week, ultimately, the submissive really is in charge. The submissive is able to cut the scene at any time they want and go, this ain't working. Some people are a switch, though. This is especially true when with scene based or situationally based BDSM and kink. Sometimes the person will want to be the dominant, sometimes they'll want to be the submissive. And this can happen even in the same evening. And it's important to remember that in lifestyle bdsm, typically the person who is the dominant retains that dominant status seven days a week. Now, most people that engage in bdsm, not all, there's always some outliers there, but most people that engage In BDSM keep their. Behaviors on the vanilla side in public because they don't want to make other people uncomfortable. And would it be ideal if everybody felt comfortable all the time? Yeah, but there's some stuff that we just don't need to be putting out there. Now let's talk about the prevalence, because you may be scratching your head going, there's not that many people that engage in this. Well, yeah, 15 to 20% of people report engaging in BDSM. About 34% of people report engaging in some form of kink in their lifetime. And it's important to consider how many false negatives that we got. How many people lied on the survey? I don't know how comfortable they felt, but at least 34%. We also have to remember that from the time that a survey is done, especially if the government's doing it, but from the time the survey is done until it's published in a peer reviewed journal, is generally at least three years, oftentimes five years. So the data that we're getting from 20 that was published in 2017 was actually collected in 2012. And as a society, we change a lot. We've changed exponentially since the pandemic, for example. And it's important to think about that as well and not assume, quote, unquote, that what was the practice and what was okay in most people's eyes, quote, unquote, 15 years ago, is the same. No, we've evolved, we've changed, we've, you know, moved on. So sending and receiving nude photos, 54 of women and 65% of men, some people consider that kink, others don't. Make your own decision. And again, that's why I said some of this evolves, because my personal belief is that the number is probably a lot higher. And this isn't sending random nudes to people you barely know. This. This includes sending it to your significant other. You know, have you ever sent a nude photo over SMS or the Internet? Public sex. More than 43% say they've engaged in it. Role playing, 22%, bondage, 20% speaking, 30%, sex toys, 9% for men and 23% for women, which was interesting. Again, makes me wonder, is that true in reality or did we have a lot of false negatives? People lying about their. You men particularly lying about their use. And are they considering chastity devices, sex toys, or not watching porn? 60% of women and 82% of men reported watching porn and 57% of people reported reading erotic stories. 10% of women and 18% of men report engaging in threesomes and less than 8% reported group sex, sex parties or BDSM parties. It just gives you a random sample. Now think about these numbers. I'm reading this, you're thinking, thinking 20%. That's not many. Yeah. That means if you're sitting in a room with 10 people, two people in there may have engaged in some sort of bondage in their sexual activities. If you've got a waiting room full of 10 people, two people have at least have probably engaged in some form of kink behaviors. And does that contribute to their mental health issues? Probably not. However, it's important that we don't stigmatize that and that we allow them to be feel free and open to talk about it without judgment. FetLife it's kind of like Facebook for kink but not. There's over 8 million people that are members of FetLife as of 2017. Again we're all the way in 2024. I think the numbers are higher. I couldn't get any current numbers. FetLife offers a diverse community where like minded individuals can engage in open conversations, join niche interest groups in an environment that emphasizes consent, communication and education. It's not most people think it's a hookup site and that does take place to a certain extent there. But there are a lot of places where people can go and learn about some of these different kink related behaviors such as cuckolding or pegging or spanking or something like that. In terms of other presence and prevalence. If you look at the web now granted you probably have people that are members of multiple of these groups. However it drives home the point. It's not just this small little fringe group out there. There are 1.1 million people that are members of the Kink Reddit 389000 seeking BDSM advice 668, 000 trying to learn about bondage 88,000 and 306,000 learning about sex toys or I'm sorry learning about chastity 280000 learning about sex toys 367000 discussing polyamory and 153000 discussing non monogamy this and that's only the subset of people that are willing to go on to Reddit in to to a semi public group and seek advice. So we have to assume and extrapolate from that that the numbers are larger. Where do we help people find other kinky individuals in their community? Well again they can go on FetLife and you can kind of search by location if they will. But there are things called munches and they are often advertised on fetlife. Munches are casual public gatherings for people to learn about the kink community. They are often like casual lunches or drinks after work or something. It's no pressure, it's in a public area. Munches serve as an introduction to the community and a way for kinky individuals to meet each other in a low pressure non sexual environment. So this is a very vanilla situation. Key characteristics include they're held regularly, often weekly or monthly. We want to really establish a community in our community focused on socializing, talking about kink and making connections. There is no BDSM play or overt sexual activity. It's also a place to help kinky people find feel less isolated and find potential mentors or play partners. There are five stages of kink identity development. Early encounters. You know, how did you even learn about it? Exploration of self. How did you figure out that it was something that you might enjoy? Evaluation, Figuring out what it was you enjoyed and whether it was something you wanted to continue doing if it made you feel positive. Finding others and exploring with others in open relationships. Now open relationships, polyamory and consensual non monogamy, this is not kink. But it's important to recognize that especially open relationships often start as a because there's a discrepancy in the desire for kink related behaviors between two people in a committed relationship. So an open relationship is one where one or both partners have a desire for sexual relationships outside of the relate the their relationship. Whereas polyamory is about having intimate loving relationships with multiple people. Polyamory is about creating a larger than dyad family. Whereas open relationships, the people in the relationship are getting their emotional and social needs met and everything they just want to explore sexual activities with others. In 2012, 2.6% of U. S adults reported being in consensual non monogamy open relationships. Another 5.5% reported being in non consensual non monogamy. So this came from a 20. The report was published in 2018, but it came from a 2012 study. The important part here, which is why I made it bold. Non consensual, that's not consensual. Non monogamy, that's not ethical. Non monogamy, that's cheating. All right, People who are engaged in consensual non monogamy, both partners are aware of what's going on to the extent that they Want to be both partners are okay with it. And again, it helps each partner feel empowered and loved and content and all those things. It's important that as clinicians, we don't call consensual non monogamy ethical cheating or cheating with permission, because that's not how they see it. They see this as having alternate play partners. You don't always want to play golf with the same person. Well, in consensual non monogamy, people may not always want to have sex with the same person. And the reasons that vary, sometimes they're struggling for to find some new relationship energy. There are a lot of psychological factors that go behind it, none of them pathological. But we do need to be respectful of people's desire to get their needs met in multiple ways. Open relationships typically start with one partner or both partners wanting to be able to seek outside sexual relationships and satisfaction while still having sex with and sharing an emotional connection with their partner. In polyamory, the whole point is to fall in love with and have meaningful relationships with multiple people. And one family I worked with talked about having plenty of room in their heart. Just like you have enough room in your heart for multiple children, there's room in your heart for multiple people. And they were involved in relationships in which one person met their a lot of their needs, but not all of them. And they brought brought other people into the relationship that complemented each other, and they felt unified. I don't want to say the word whole when talking about it because we're not trying to patch holes. We want to create an environment where people feel unified and uplifted and supported and encouraged. Polyamorous relationships can take various forms, like hierarchical arrangements. Sometimes there will be a primary couple and they refer to each other as primaries. And then there are secondaries in the relationship. Other times there's a triad, a quad or a V structure. In the V structure, there's one person who is sort of head of household, and there are two other people that are brought in. In 2021, 16.8% of people desire to engage in polyamory. Let it sink in. That's almost two people out of every 10. 10% had previously done so and 6% knew someone who would practice polyamory. Again, my sense is the number is a lot higher regarding people who are practicing or whether you know somebody who's practicing, because a lot of people don't advertise. That is strongly discouraged and stigmatized in most communities still. So it's important to also recognize that swingers is another Permutation and swingers are not polyamory. Swingers are singles or partners in committed relationships that engage in sexual activities with others as a recreational or social activity. Using data from hundreds of thousands of Google search engines over the period from 2006 to 201510 years ago, results show that searches for words related to polyamory and open relationships significantly increased over time. All right, well, what does that mean? If it's one search and then it becomes two searches, that's 100% increase. So that seems big when you look at percentages. But. But how big was it? The increases were significantly higher than popular web queries over the same time period, indicating this pattern of increased interest in polyamory and open relationships is unique. So people looking for information about some other topic. A few come to mind, but I'm not going to risk irritating YouTube. Searching for other topics didn't increase as much as the searches for for polyamory. And again, when you're dealing with stats and percentages, you don't necessarily know how much more that was because percentages can be deceptive. But being aware, some myths to consider. Kink, BDSM and polyamory are anti feminist. Hear it a lot. I personally disagree. It is my personal opinion. In kink, BDSM and poly relationships, if it's being done in a safe, sane and consensual way, the woman is saying, yeah, I'm on board. Okay, These are alternative sexual activities, when done in a safe, sane and consensual way, allow women to take charge of their own sexuality, declaring what they like, getting their emotional and physical needs met, and making sex about more than just having babies. So let's talk about some of these feminist principles. If you're scratching your head going, well, you know, how do I know? Feminist principles include freeing women from political, social and economic oppression and exploitation. Well, I put this under social oppression and exploitation. If women aren't supposed to be talking about their sexual desires and kink and exploring their sexuality. Feminist principle 2 disrupt oppressive systems and destructures to create lasting social transformation, not just reform. Let's start getting the word out there that it's okay. Principle three seeks political, economic, social and sexual equality between men and women. For a long time we've known men have been permitted to engage in behaviors that were discouraged for women. And kink, BDSM and poly. They don't play that. They say, you know, if you have a female who wants to be a dominant, more power to you. Valuing diversity so all voices can be heard and respected. All Sexual practices that are done in a safe, sane, and consensual way can be heard and respected and prioritizing safety with zero tolerant tolerance for discrimination or abuse. I mean, that's kind of part of the mantra of King BDSM polyamory. All of these things we're talking about is encouraging people to challenge the messages that they've always gotten about sexuality. Most people involved in kink or BDSM are trying to work through traumas. This is another myth. Just because someone has experienced trauma doesn't mean they're trying to work through it in this way. For, as a clinical note, look out for repeating the pattern and feeling traumatized or abusing the pseudo abuser. So let's kind of look at this. Some people, there's a lot of people who've experienced trauma. You know, we. We know this. Some people, more than 25% of people, by some estimates, have experienced sexual trauma. Okay, that's horrible. However, you can have somebody who is engaging in kink or BDSM practices and even somebody with a sexual trauma history who is not trying to work through their sexual trauma. They just happen to actually feel empowered when they engage in this behavior. However, so going down to that clinical note, if somebody's repeating the pattern where they're doing something and when the scene is over or the behavior ends, or they're in a BDSM relationship that continues to make them feel bad about themselves, to feel disempowered, to feel helpless and powerless and traumatized, well, that's not okay. If the person engages in these behaviors and takes it too far, they get into a scene, and instead of being in the scene with that person at that time, they start engaging in basically a flashback. They're transferring their anger, their hatred of somebody that hurt them onto a person that is in their presence right now. And in those cases, the scene can get out of hand and it can be traumatizing and potentially injurious to both people. We do need to be aware of that. People with sexual trauma, if they engage in kink related behaviors, need to be cognizant of what triggers them, how to feel safe, how to de. Escalate, and how to communicate to their partner what's going on and you know, that they need to stop or that what's not okay. However, I know so many caveats, and that's where our clinical judgment is really important to explore with the person, help them decide, is this helping you be the person you want to be and have the rich and meaningful life you want or Not. And if it is, okay, let's talk about how you feel about these things. Sometimes there are people who have sexual trauma, who have worked through scenes and even like domestic violence, physical abuse, who work through scenes with someone they trust to reclaim their power and extinguish the trauma pairing. So, for example, someone who is. Has had sexual trauma and was blindfolded during it, they may not necessarily be opposed to being blindfolded in the future with someone they trust, but every time they do, it triggers that flashback, and they want to get over that so they can use that particular tool in their kink. Toolbox. Okay. And that's something that they potentially could work through with a trusted partner. And. And it's so important, I. I can't underscore the importance of open communication, taking it slow, being willing to stop and, you know, let it go for a while if it becomes too traumatizing, and then processing what's going on either with their partner, because not all of them are in therapy, or partner processing it in session, at least to the extent of. All right, let's talk about how you felt after it, and is it something that you want to continue to do? Cautions, kink, not just bdsm done in the wrong way or for the wrong reasons, can be physically or psychologically damaging. If people are engaging in these behaviors in order to prevent abandonment, that is not psychologically healthy. If people are engaging in behaviors in order to specifically to please their significant other or their partner, whatever you want to call the dyad, and it's not something that they feel comfortable with, we've got to talk about whether that is psychologically damaging or it's empowering if they are feeling victimized, my stance is that's probably not healthy. People are going to do what people are going to do. Yes, no, maybe. Lists are an excellent way for couples to open discussions about their kinks and their sexual preferences. A lot of people have difficulty sitting in a room with, even with their partner and having frank discussions about, yeah, that seems like it might be fun. Or I'm curious to try that. Or I wonder what that would be like. So a yes, no, maybe list is exactly that. It's a check sheet that partners can take and exchange, and then they can talk about it as they start to feel more comfortable. And it gives people the ability to understand. Yes means sure, I'll do it. Maybe means if I really trust you and I'm in the right mood that I might consider trying it. And no means no. No means don't even bring it Up. We are not doing scat play, we are not doing this, we are not doing that. In all circumstances, behaviors must be evaluated from the perspective of all, all parties. Is it meeting everyone's needs? If you're in a dominant submissive relationship, is the submissive getting their needs met or are they being used and the dominant needs to look at the relationship and going, well, I'm getting my needs met. Am I meeting the needs of my submissive? And if not, then it's probably not a healthy dynamic. And the same goes for the submissive with, with the dominant in kink related relationships in other relationship structures, are everyone's needs getting met? Are all parties free to use the safe word or leave and have that respected without humiliation? And again, that's really important. Are people able to say, yeah, that's what you're asking me to do is past my boundaries. I, I call, I say no to that, or I use the safe word. In some dominant sub relationships, that may terminate the relationship. However, that's sort of an extreme end of things. There must be an atmosphere of implicit trust, excellent communication in both directions, submissive, dominant, or, you know, between each person. It can't be one of those things where one person keeps saying, let's try this. It sounds like a great idea. I don't care what you think. That, no, that doesn't work. We need to make sure both people have a say in it and feel comfortable with it. Must be safe, sane and consensual. And next week in the BDSM video, we'll talk about managing power and power dynamics in those relationships. Even with all of that scenes, playing, using toys, engaging in kink related behaviors or BDSM scenes, etc can trigger unexpected or intense emotional or physical reactions. You need to be prepared. Sometimes something just comes up from out of the clear blue and you're like, what the heck just happened? And it's important that people be able to respond to that in a healthy way. Participants must have high levels of self and other awareness in these dynamics. When you're engaging in a sexual activity, being aware of how you feel is important, but also being aware of how your partner feels. Are they enjoying it? Are they still with you? Or have they just completely checked out and they're hoping it'll be over pretty soon? I mean, that's, that's an extreme, but it's important to be aware. And if you notice that your partner is starting to experience distress or dissociate, to be able to call it right there and go, okay, you know, you seem to have left here. Let's just call it right now and figure out what's going on. Self awareness about whether you're getting your own needs met and whether you are engaging with that person in the moment or whether you are projecting feelings about someone else. If you're having transference reactions from somebody in your past and you're trying to punish them in a, in a BDSM scene or something else, it's really important to understand what needs are you getting met and is it helping you be the person you want to be? There must be an aftercare plan, and I encourage this not only for BDSM, but also for people who engage in especially intense kink related activities or for the first time after engaging in a kink related activity. When people try something new, especially something as intimate as a sexual behavior or bdsm, they can feel extremely vulnerable afterwards. And this is something that's known as sub drop. A lot of times after a kink related behavior or after a BDSM scene, endorphins are really high. Sometimes because of pain, sometimes because of, you know, pushing through a boundary. There's a lot of reasons endorphins go high. You know, we're talking about sex after all. But endorphins are really high. And when it's over, those hormones drop like a rock and people can all of a sudden be left feeling like, oh my gosh, I got caught up in the moment. What in the world did I just do? Or they may start feeling depressed or anxious. And it's important that the partner be able to be there and be supportive and help the other person understand that they are loved, they are respected, they are safe, they are empowered and comfort them in that moment of vulnerability. Sub drop is overlooked way too often, and it can lead to a lot of anxiety and shame for people who don't effectively process what's, what happened or what's happening. And then there has to be a safety plan, because sometimes it just gets too much, sometimes it gets dangerous. Especially when you start talking about bondage and some of the different sex swings and toys and stuff out there. There is an element of, you know, potential real danger getting hurt. So there has to be a safety plan for how to do this safely, how to make sure that nobody is going to suffer damage and that it'll be an enjoyable experience. If somebody is engaging in extreme behaviors, it's always recommended that they have a written safety plan and an agreement regarding a safe word. The American Psychiatric association has depathologized kinky sex. Hallelujah including crossdressing fetishes and BDSM in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, the fifth edition. So the one before we're using right now, they actually made the move to say that paraphilias are considered to be unusual sexual interests and went on to say those who have sex with children or who have sex with or engage in sexual behaviors with people who have not consented or people who deliberately cause non consensual harm through sexual activities for the purposes of their own sexual arousal may be diagnosed with paraphilic disorder. So you still have your peeping toms. You still have, you know, the things that are illegal in in a lot of states. But it is de pathologized furries, it's deep pathologized kink, it's deep pathologized bdsm, it's de pathologized cross dressing and sissification and a lot of other things. If it is something that is done consensually by the person because the APA finally recognized that there's a lot of people doing this and it's actually not an unusual interest. It's just maybe in their generation when they wrote the first dsm, it may not have been as prevalent, but a million years later it is. Training deficits 766 therapists in the United States were surveyed to assess therapists attitudes toward the BDSM community. 76% of the sample reported having treated at least one client who engaged in BDSM. Now when you go back and you look at the stats, it's probably closer to 1 in 10. But only one client had had admitted to it. Only 48 of the clinicians perceived themselves to be competent in this area. Attitudes toward BDSM were relatively so were related to sociodemographic variables and perceived confidence deficits in training. Clinical training emphasizes monogamous relationships as being normal. We call this mononormativity and often does not explore any other relationship structures. Polyamory is legal, does not necessarily involve marriage, and can be structured in many different ways. The public and clinicians often equate extramarital intimacy or sex with infidelity. Yet these constructs are not the same. This is not cheating with permission. This is something different. Clinicians who are unaware of the many possibilities by which people may design and construct their preferred intimate relationships may unintentionally cause serious harm to clients. Fewer than half of practitioners were out to their current out to their current provider. Now we talk about practitioners. We mean people practicing kink or BDSM So fewer than half of people will even admit this to their therapist. They tell their therapist a lot, but they ain't going to tell them this. That tells you the level of stigma. Patients are often concerned that clinicians will confuse their behaviors with intimate partner violence. And they are. And they emphasize the consensual nature of their kink interactions. 37% of BDSM participants indicated shame, guilt and a non zero level of suicide ideation. That that's huge. 37% of people who practice BDSM safe, sane and consensually also have shame and guilt surrounding that because our culture says no, that's not okay. Stigma related inter internalized feelings were positively associated with suicidal ideation. Now the interesting study, and this is a new study, BDSM disclosure to a therapist was protective against suicidal ideation because BDSM through thwarted belongingness, but only for individuals who were in the sexual minority. So for people who were LGBTQ + BDSM disclosure to their therapist was protective for people who were heterosexual who re or in the sexual majority, I guess you would say who revealed their BDSM activities. It actually wasn't protective against suicidal ideation. And the authors of that study hypothesized that the therapist really didn't know what to do with that and so they ended up stigmatizing the the sexual majority who admitted to bdsm. Very interesting dyad though. It also could be that people who are in the sexual and gender minority also have developed other tools to deal with feeling like they don't belong to deal with dealing with thwarted belongingness. So it didn't impact them as much. I don't know, but it was an interesting thing. Addressing deficits. Clinicians need to become more aware of their own biases concerning sexual identities, sexual behaviors and relationship structures by reflecting on messages that they've received about heterosexuality and monogamy. We need to avoid making decisions and assumptions about clients relationships and discuss relationships actively rather than passively. Instead of if you're talking to a female client instead of talking about even their partner, let's understand is it partner or partners? And that can be important. If somebody's in a polyamorous relationship. It can be empowering for clients to realize that relationships may be designed in different ways to better meet their needs. Imagine that no one size fits all for people in sexual relationships and there is no consensus about the best way to practice kink BDSM or consensual non monogamy even among the community itself. If you get into some of the Reddit Discussion forums. You can see there is a lot of differences of opinion. Do not assume clients problems are directly related to their sexual behaviors or or relationship structure. At the same time, don't assume that they aren't. For example, Sam comes in and has a bruise on the wrist from restraints. Okay, do we get worried? Is this domestic violence? Is this abuse? Did something bad happen or is it irrelevant because it happened during consensual re recreation? Sam had had handcuffs on when they were having sex and you know, jerk their hand a little bit too hard. Don't know. It's not something we want to ignore, but it is something we don't want to stigmatize either. Chris is having difficulty accepting Avery in the poly relationship. All right, well, is it due to Chris having insecurity in the relationship that they are in or is it do it due to Chris having insecure attachments that date back to childhood that are being brought up by Avery being introduced to the relationship? It's different. Do remember the culture often designates monogamy as the ideal relationship structure. Monitor microaggressions, both verbal and non verbal during a session and be open to accepting of all relationship structures and believing in their validity that people can truly love each other more than one person and love in different ways. Pay attention to the messages in your decor, pictures of you and your spouse, religious decor, lobby, reading material, bibliotherapy, etc to the exclusion of other messages. You can have stuff that you believe in out there, but it's also important to make sure that we have information out there that helps people who are engaging in alternate relationships relationship structures feel accepted. Don't liken polyamory to infidelity or cheating with permission. Don't assume that people engaging in consensual non monogamy have commitment or attachment issues. On the other hand, you know, people I've worked with, they actually are extremely securely attached and feel okay in that relationship. It's very interesting. Don't assume people who practice BDSM have trauma or abuse issues to work through or that it's a phase that someone's participating in because it's trendy. And don't make assumptions about the type of relationships and do another do. Adjust your intake wording accordingly. Common issues for people engaging in kink, bdsm, polyamory coming out and disclosure, an increase in risk factors for health, economic disparity due to not coming out to providers or discrimination from providers if they find out that you're in a non monogamous, non vanilla relationship stigma from friends Family and society. Legal ramifications and this is gen generally revolves around child custody issues, but I've seen discrimination in the workplace, child rearing issues. There can be interpersonal issues, especially in polyamory. Just like in any other relationship where you've got multiple parents that are trying to parent a child, there's going to be stuff that comes out and we don't want to assume that just because it's a non traditional relationship structure that that's what the problem is. The problem is people have difficulty parenting. Sometimes there's a need for intense self awareness and sexual health concerns can come up, especially pregnancy or sexually transmitted infections. This is particularly in consensual, non monogamy and polyamory. So for for example, if somebody gets pregnant, who the biological father is, how everybody remains safe. If we're having sex with multiple people, how do we prevent sexually transmitted diseases? It's important to talk about issues and problems within non traditional relationships in a way that avoids giving detractors ammunition. People in these relationships have difficulty finding competent health and mental health care providers and there is a ton of misrepresentation. Fifty Shades of Gray was probably one of the worst, most unhealthy rel depictions of BDSM that is out there. When Christian Gray claims to rectify the problem of Anastasia's virginity, that disregards her capacity and consent. She was a young child, so a majority of the population dabbles in some form of kink. Let's just accept it. Practitioners who embrace kink People who embrace kink, especially BDSM and polyamory, are often reluctant to tell their these issues to their medical or mental health providers if they get an injury because of their BDSM practices. It wasn't that it was not consensual or something they need to get treated for an injury From a consensual engagement, it can be seen as it can be stigmatized, pathologized, even legalized or illegalized if you will. So a lot of times practitioners just won't seek help. Issues of shame and guilt often arise when people first discover their alternate sexual preferences and can be compounded by a culturally insensitive therapist. As with working with any diverse group, the catch all terms kink, BDSM or poly can mean many things and each person has their own level of comfort or acculturation. In the following episodes we'll explore each of these topics in greater depth, learning about the different forms or dynamics which might occur and the prevalence and clinical issues which often come up in counseling. All righty. As usual lately. I ran a minute or so over but I appreciate you being here. Hey Rookie J. Haven't seen you in a while. Welcome. I'm just scrolling back over some of the questions. Class is over if you want to go take your quiz. If you are taking this for ceus, you know. Awesome. I'll have Chuck take a look at that certificate issue. It is possible. Psychology Today now actually has a way that you can search for therapists that are sex positive and kink aware so that those are keywords that you might want to look for in a therapist. Again, fet life is one place that you can find information about munches that are coming up. You can also get on Reddit and ask people where they're finding people to connect with. It has been fedora it has been decades since I saw nine and a half weeks. I don't even remember the movie. It. Cali I am so glad that the videos have been helpful for you. I'm glad that you have been able to join us. You are quite welcome Claudia. All right everybody, if there are no other questions, I will see you next week.