Spiritual Steps You Need to Recover from ANYTHING

This episode was pre recorded as part of a live continuing education webinar on demand. CEUs are still available for this presentation through all CEUs register@allceus.com counselortoolbox Oops. Hi there everybody. I'm Dr. Donnelly Snipes and welcome to today's presentation. This is part three of our four part series on spiritual steps to happiness. Now for those of you who weren't here for the first two parts, this is designed to help us help clients develop a sense of connection and wonder and awe. It's not about necessarily religion. Now we will talk about religion some because that is important to certain clients. And if you are doing this in group, I highly suggest before you launch into this series, you encourage people, if they are ascribing to a particular religion, prepare them ahead of time for topics and concepts you might be talking about so they can go to their scripture and find any resources, quotations, guidance that might be applicable. This really helps in group, helps find people, helps people find commonalities. So today we're going to move on to open mindedness, teachability and curiosity. Those are kind of all in there, optimism and compassion. And if you are new to the webinar, please remember you can always put in your 2 cents in the chat room. I love for you to provide information or feedback or tools or whatever as we go through. Okay, open mindedness, teachability and curiosity. Why does this logically make sense? It makes sense that this can help improve happiness and reduce distress because when we're open minded, we're not fighting against other points of view. We're not hearing things and going, okay, I've got to argue against that and I've got to defend against that and I've got to make sure that I don't listen to that and I change that person's mind. That's exhausting. It doesn't make us any happier because we can't change other people, only other people can change themselves. So if we are open minded and teachable, then we don't have to try to defend. We also don't have to try to control everything and put it into a particular box. For those of us who are control freaks, you know, sometimes it's this is the way we need to do it because this is the way I was taught to do it and this is the way it's always been done. Well, that doesn't mean it's the best way anymore because things evolve. Look at therapy over the years. Back in the day, it started out with psychoanalysis, which you know Some people still use a lot, but we've also developed and not everybody finds a good connection, not everybody has a good fit with psychoanalysis. So cognitive behavioral is out there, EMDR is out there. There are a lot of different approaches. So if we're open minded to these, then we can really expand our potential toolbox and our potential solutions to problems. One of the things I ask clients is how can open mindedness help people with their relationships? And this is a basic thing that we talk about because when we get into a relationship, unless and even if you were getting into a relationship with somebody who is your next door neighbor since the time you were in diapers, you probably were raised with at least a few different ideals and shoulds, even in that similar, very similar environment. But most of us connect with people who come from very different environments. My best friend's from Syria. So when we talk a lot of times I need to listen to her point of view from how things would be handled or approached when she was in Syria. I have friends who are males, they have different points of view sometimes than I approach things. My husband comes from a much more conservative background than I do, so he was raised with much different ideals and principles. It doesn't mean any of these people's ideals and principles are wrong. It just means they're not mine. So open mindedness helps me understand the world from other people's perspectives. So instead of saying or thinking you're wrong, I can hear, well, you're right from a certain point of view. And I can hear and embrace that and find commonalities instead of finding differences and separating. So in group we talk about relationships and I ask people, think about your best friend or your significant other. What things do you disagree on because you were just raised differently? What types of things do you disagree on because you just have different fundamental beliefs and you know, you all can see. I guess I'm kind of small on your screen. I'm wearing my gator gear today because the Gators beat their five year losing streak against Florida State. So I was really excited about that. But in SEC country, you can be in a house divided for even things like football if you have a gator and a seminole or a gator and a dog in the same house. So it's important to take a look at how open mindedness can help us, you know. Yes, I love the University of Florida. I went there for a whole lot of years, so it was good to me. Can I see the benefits of the program in Tallahassee at Florida State? Certainly. I Can see how that's a very good program. Yes, you know, we're going to battle in terms of football, but when we talk about academics, they have a very strong program. So looking for those dialectics and being open minded to, you know, maybe it's a pretty awesome school too. I also ask people how can close mindedness negatively impact their relationships and their problem solving? So if they're close minded and I want them to think about a time when they've been in a relationship with somebody and they have just dug in and said this is the way it's going to be because this is the way it's always been and how did that impact the relationship? If they would have been open minded, what might have been the outcome? And we also talk about problem solving because a lot of times, well, not a lot of times, there are some of us who like to do things the way it's always been done and we have a rhythm. You all know, I'm a little bit on the rigid side and I like structure and that's good to a certain extent, as long as I don't get stuck stuck in it. Problem solving can be done from multiple points of view. And like I pointed out earlier, approaching mental health issues and mental illness has changed over the years. So if I was raised in an old school and I was close minded that this is the only way to approach this particular issue, then I would have much fewer, many fewer tools to provide clients in order to individualize their treatment and to help people. Because psychoanalysis doesn't work for everybody. 12 steps doesn't work for everybody. Cognitive, behavioral, believe it or not, doesn't work for everybody. So we need to be able to be open minded and go, all right, what might be some other approaches or other causes of this problem? Hence the transtheoretical and trans diagnostic approaches that y' all know I'm so fond of talking about. So open mindedness means we're willing to hear. Teachability means we're willing to learn, learn different things and we're willing to take things in instead of assuming that we know it all. And curiosity, I love curiosity. I love when I get curious. Of course that can kind of send me down a rabbit hole and I get distracted really easily. But curiosity helps us explore. It's the what ifs of the world. Teachability can also reduce stress because guess what, there are probably people out there who know more about some things than you do. So if you're teachable, then it can make your life easier because they can show you a more efficient way to do it. Or they can help you prevent those learning growing pains that often happen because they've been there before and they can say, okay, you know, this is an obstacle that you're probably going to face. So here's a workaround. Just know that ahead of time what the Bible says, and remembering that most of the time you're going to have a group that is not all Christian or people of the Christian or Jewish faith. And that's fine. Which is why I ask people to bring information from their own scripture. If you have atheists in your group, and you probably will, I approach it as can you look at these statements in terms of good, orderly direction? That is, you have this idea of what recovery looks like, about what happiness looks like in order to get there in your path to get to happiness. Do these statements make sense? Can they help you more efficiently get to that goal of happiness? So good orderly direction Psalm 119 open my eyes that I might behold wondrous things. Well, that's curiosity. That is just that awe and wonder that we talked about in the first installment. Romans 12:2 do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind. So as you learn, don't be stuck in the way it has to be. And those boxes and pigeonholes that we have. But as we become more knowledgeable, as we become more educated about things, as we learn new tools, let that transform our mind and broaden our perspective so we can see the bigger picture and solve things from multiple perspectives. Ephesians 4 they are darkened in their understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to their hardness of heart. And this again goes to open mindedness and teachability. If we have a hard heart, if we're closed off, if we're not teachable, it keeps us ignorant. It keeps us unaware of all the options and possibilities that are out there. So that quote darkens our understanding. If we want to be happy, it's helpful if we are open to possibilities to improve our awareness. For example, when I start talking with people about depression interventions, a lot of people just never realized how sleep is so important in the regulation of their mood and their blood sugar and all that stuff. They didn't realize how important nutrition was in the development of neurotransmitters that help people be happy. So those are things that we can talk about. Acts 22 now those who were with me saw the light, but did not understand the voice of the one who was speaking to me. So Sometimes people can see things, but since they don't have the other knowledge that you do, they may not understand it the same way. So it's important that we provide information. We provide information to other people and we're curious about their perspectives. Proverbs 19 Listen to advice and accept instruction that you may gain wisdom in the future. Well, people are in counseling because they're hoping to get some advice and instruction so they can be happier. So that makes sense. We're not really going against anything that would trigger anyone. James 1:5 if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generally to all without reproach. Obviously, that's a little bit more tailored to people who are biblically oriented. However, if we interpret it in terms of good, orderly direction. If any of you lacks wisdom, look at good, orderly direction. Look at where you want to go and learn about the most efficient path to get there. And that will help you. Psalm 25 make me know your ways. Teach me your paths. You are the God of my salvation. You are the direction. You are the path, you are the plan. Because even when we go on a vacation, we make a plan for where we are going to go. It is the directions that we are using to get to happiness. So day one Open mindedness. Be open to alternate solutions. So during this first day, be open to exploring things not necessarily the way you would do it. And this is one of my favorite groups to do because it's just fun. Encourage people before they come to group that day to go online and find five life hacks. And you can just google life hacks and you can find some really cool things in group. We will sometimes break up into smaller groups and find 10 creative ways. And each group is assigned a different thing to use. 10 creative ways to use 2 liter bottles, plastic grocery bags, the standby, duct tape, soybean oil. And actually soybean oil is a very good WD40 alternative. It's greener, all that kind of stuff. So I kind of throw that in there. And baking soda. You would be surprised at how many different things you can use baking soda for. So I encourage people to get out of the box. Baking soda is not just something that sits in your refrigerator and absorbs smells. There's a lot you can do with it. So this gets people talking and getting kind of creative in the way they solve problems. You can have people share time management tricks. Most people in your group probably have different little life hacks or time management tricks that they use. I know when my son was little there was only One kind of pacifier that he would use, all others he would reject. And he was very attached to his pacifier. When he was very young, we learned the hard way to always have a go bag of extra stuff packed in the back of the car in case the diaper bag that we brought didn't happen to have a pacifier or in case he lost the one that we had brought with us. We usually had two or three. We had one that was strapped to him, one that he would hold. Anyhow, that was a time management trick because otherwise we were stopping at every store along the way trying to find that particular type of pacifier. Removing stains is another one of those that every time I do this activity, I come home with a different technique for removing stains from clothing. And that's just, that's one of my things that I don't do well. So I always like information about that. But this is a fun group. In order to encourage people to be open minded, their first experience with open mindedness or forced open mindedness, if you will, needs to be fun. Day two, the third agreement of the four agreements. Don't make assumptions and always question your reality for the absolute truth. So encourage people to practice listening with curiosity. If somebody is saying, I want to solve this problem this way, instead of going, oh no, that, that ain't going to work, or you don't know what you're talking about, take all your biases and preconceptions and put them back there and ask yourself, okay, how might this work? This person wants to do this. How might this work? When I was supervising a staff in Florida, sometimes they would want to start a new program and instead of meeting them with, we already have our structure, we don't have the budget for it, yada yada yada, my response was, tell me what you want to do and let's figure out how we might be able to make it work. So tell me why it's important. You know, build your case and then let's figure out, let's be curious and open minded about how we might be able to work this into the program. Ways you can help people brainstorm is encouraging them to always ask themselves before they shut somebody down, ask themselves, what's the goal here? Is the goal here for me to be right or is the goal here for us to most efficiently solve this problem? And hopefully the answer is the second one, and then explore each solution and say, how does this solution help us arrive at that ultimate goal, whatever that goal is, and that can help people brainstorm and whittle down suggestions. Brainstorming is great and I encourage groups and teams to brainstorm. No suggestion is a stupid suggestion. It may not work, but let's put them all up there and then we can go through each one and whittle them down. Day three is teachability. Ask people what have you learned from your best friend? What have you learned from your worst enemy? What have you learned from television? What have you learned from. And you can you see how we can go on from here and there? This is a great activity to do with the beach ball thing and have different sources of information and input on those beach balls. Pass it around, the person gets it, looks down. Whatever is up, they have to identify something they learned from that source. So if they get the ball and they look down and it says sibling on it, hopefully they've got a sibling. And then you can ask them, okay, now what, what have you learned from your sibling? Another question to posit to a group. How does teachability help people in their relationships? And what we're trying to get at is it helps us learn what other people like. If we're open minded and we're teachable and we're curious about what other. What makes other people tick, what's rewarding for other people, then we can learn and we can become more aware. And we can also become aware of the things that we don't want to do, because those are the buttons that we theoretically are not going to push. So teachability helps us learn about the individual, not people in general, but it helps us learn about that specific person. Day four, more teachability. Try something new. Ask people what's something new that you have learned that you might have resisted? I have learned that I don't like Brussels sprouts, but I tried it eventually because there's a lot of good nutrients and stuff in Brussels sprouts. And they're supposed to be so good for you. And I resisted trying them for a long time because I had them when I was a kid and I hated them. But I tried them again. I was willing to try something new. My best friend introduced me to a spice called sumac. Never had it before, but, oh, my gosh, it's now one of my favorite spices. So normally, you know, I'm not big on spices, but she said, you know, try this, it's really, it's really yummy. And I tried it. Roller coasters. That's another one of those things that I resisted trying because I was afraid of them. And yes, I tried it and I learned that's Something that I don't want to do again. But I learned from it. I was teachable. I also learned that some people love it. And by talking to them, I learned why they love it. From my perspective, yeah, doesn't fit the same way, but from their perspective, I can see why some people really want to do it. More power to them. I'll hold the sodas. Identify something that you want to learn and how it might impact you. And this is something you can go around the room and ask people, what's something that you're learning about now or have always wanted to learn? They'll put things out there, and then you can talk about sort of the ripple effect. For example, organic gardening. It's something I started learning about, oh, golly, about 10 years ago, and it has really changed my perspective on a lot of things. And now, even when I'm going around town or when I'm out, I think about the little earthworms. You know, when you put fertilizers on the soil, the salt and the fertilizers make the earthworms go away. So I've developed a very strong affinity for earthworms. I love the little buggers. Never thought that that would be something that I liked before, but organic gardening has taught me that if you see earthworms, you've got healthy soil. I also learned a lot more about earthworms that I won't share. Through organic gardening, I have also learned the differences in taste between organic foods and especially fresh organic foods and not so fresh foods. And it's developed. Encouraged me to develop an appreciation for what I'm eating and for how much work goes into it. So there are a lot of ripple effects. I'm not just reading a book and learning about organic gardening and going, oh, okay. But it affects how I see the world. It affects how I look at food when I'm in the grocery store. Parenting approaches. When people learn about parenting, it's really kind of cool, because if we are teaching our children mindfulness, for example, guess what? We're modeling mindfulness. And we're learning it, too. Along the way. Some of the best ways to get parents involved and addressing some of the larger family issues, to have them teach the skills to the kids that you actually want the parents to learn. So everybody's learning, but by teaching their children, then they're modeling it and they're learning it along the way, and they're just like, oh, didn't think about it like that. Day five it takes a village. Many problems are multifaceted. So Being willing to work with a group or consult diverse resources can help people see their blind spots and identify alternate solutions. And when I say consult diverse resources, not everybody's going to call up a friend or have a professor at a university they can talk to. They may go online and look at different peer reviewed journals, find different credible resources to help them identify potential solutions. And that's cool as long as they know how to do effective research. So when there's a problem, encourage people to ask, what are the multiple causes? What could be causing this? There's the obvious what I think might be causing it, but what else might be causing it? So if you've got a kid who comes home in the afternoon and he has difficulty behaving and has a meltdown every afternoon, some people may say immediately, well, this is what causes it. Other people may have a different suggestion for it. So being open to alternate theories about the causes helps us be open minded and it helps us get different ideas. I know when I worked at the clinic I worked at in Florida, we used to have these supervision meetings when I was an intern. And they were all day meetings, they were long meetings and we would staff every single client. But in that meeting we had rehab counselors, we had addiction Counselors, we had LMHCs, we had LCSWs, we had LMFTs, we had, we had multiple nurses, doctors. We had different perspectives from different fields. So it gave us a way to explore what was going on with the client from multiple perspectives. Because it might not be A, B or C. And back then we didn't even have a grasp or an inkling about trauma informed care, which would have grossly shaped our perspectives in many, many ways. I think so. Multiple different potential causes of any problem, exploring what are the benefits of this behavior or this problem or the behaviors that are causing this problem. Because then we might understand a little bit more about why the problem continues, what are possible solutions to the problem? If you think the child's behavior is caused by nutritional deficits, you're going to address, do one thing. If you think it's caused by sleep deficits, you're going to do something else. If you think that it's caused by inappropriately reinforced behaviors, you're going to use a different approach. So there are multiple different solutions based on where you think the causes, what causes the behavior or the problem, then you need to look one step further. Yeah, this can be time consuming, but what are the consequences of these solutions? If I do this, are there going to be any negative consequences in other areas of that child's life. So this is where open mindedness comes in. And it's really helpful to have multiple people brainstorming, set time limits. That way you're not there for eight hours or spend eight hours, if you got eight hours to brainstorm. I encourage people in group, we talk about how can this apply to parenting a child who won't listen? You know, what are the causes of the child not listening? What are the potential benefits to the child for not listening? What are possible solutions to help the child start listening, and what are the consequences of each of those interventions? We can do the same thing for addiction prevention and relapse. And I use that term broadly. Generally I direct them towards depression. You know, how can you prevent a depressive episode? Relapse? Each one of those things can have a myriad of different causes and a myriad of different solutions. And that's where I want people to start really opening their eyes and going, oh, yeah, I hadn't really thought about that. That might be what's causing it. So when people leave group after this day, I ask them to focus during that day on identifying three solutions or alternate perspectives to challenges that they experience during that day. Day six is through the eyes of a child. Expertise and experience can be valuable assets, but they can also be roadblocks to change. Because the more expertise and experience we have, the more entrenched we are often in our way of doing things. So we need to check our preconceptions, stereotypes and biases and approach a challenge with fresh eyes, including people who are unfamiliar with the problem. So, for example, whenever we do website upgrades, I have my kids log in and I'm like, okay, I want you to go in, purchase a course and navigate to the course, take the course, you know, the whole shebang. And I encourage them to go all the way through it and tell me what challenges they may have had. Because I did the website design, so everything is intuitive to me, but they obviously didn't and they don't work in it every day. So they can say, yeah, this doesn't make sense. And those are the fresh eyes that I'm looking for. So it's sometimes good to ask people who just don't even have a clue, you know, what would you do to solve this problem? Because they don't have any of those preconceived notions about what can't be done. Challenge assumptions. Ask, why does this rule exist? Why do I think that I must have a clean house every night before I go to sleep? Why do I think that I must follow this particular social edict, yada yada. Why does so and so my best friend react this way when this happens? And do I feel. Why do I feel happy today? So instead of challenging your, instead of just assuming things are the way you think they are, challenge those assumptions. Maybe you get up and you're feeling bleh. And instead of assuming that you're feeling that way because you, you're not looking forward to going to work, think about all the potential causes for feeling blah, like not getting enough sleep or not getting quality sleep or nutritional deficits or whatever it is that's going on. So encourage people to challenge their assumptions and encourage people to ask, what if, what if this happened? What if we stopped doing this? What if we stopped doing urine screens on people every single week? What if we stopped doing this this way? What if we're wrong and we find out over time that we've been wrong a lot? And honey and peanuts are two examples. When I was little, honey and peanuts were perfectly fine for kids to have. And you know, doctors had no problem with it. When my son was born, those were two things that were foreboding for at least the first two years. And I was like, when did that happen? So what if we're wrong? It doesn't mean anything against us. It may just mean we have new knowledge now that we didn't have last week or last year or whatever. And day seven is curiosity. Frame problems as questions. Instead of saying, I need to make Johnny do his homework because he's not doing his homework and he's failing out of school and blah blah, blah, ask how might we better motivate Johnny to do his homework? Make it a question. The first statement is I need to make somebody do something. Well, we know we can't make people do anything unless they're motivated to do it. The second question I'm addressing, what I can control. How might I better motivate Johnny to do his homework and help? Maybe. How might I be able to help Johnny become self motivated? Sure, you get the point. Instead of stating a problem, ask a question, how might I solve this problem? Reward experimentation, even if it results in failure. And that statement for other people as well as yourself, if you try something like I've tried six different ways to grow white potatoes and I haven't had a crop yet that comes out. But I tried and I know how I won't do it next year. So reward experimentation and be curious as to why didn't this work. Let me learn so I don't make the Same mistakes again. And encourage people, in order to create curiosity, encourage them to create inspiration. So visualize the goal. If they want to create a utopian society that's kind of a big one, what would it look like? Let's make a mural on the wall of what it would look like, and then we can start talking about how we might make that happen. And yes, why? Questions do sound a lot like toddlers. Because they're curious. They don't know how everything works and they want to learn. They're just like, why is the sky blue? Why did it rain? Why did it stop raining? Okay, it's Florida. It just. It does. And positivity and optimism. This is our next concept. Why does it make sense that it could improve happiness and reduce distress? Well, it's kind of in the title, Positivity. But I digress. When we are negative, we notice the negative. If you're in a bad mood, you don't notice the little bluebird. You notice the fact that, crap, it's 7:30 and I need to get on the road and I'm going to hit all the school zones. Well, negativity breeds negativity. Additionally, as humans, we're wired for survival, which unfortunately means we naturally pay more attention and give more weight to the negative. So we need to work intentionally to improve our positivity in order to have that optimistic frame of mind. So again, biblical inspirations that work for your clients who may be Christian or Jewish, what the Bible says. Philippians 4, 8. Finally, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable is if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things. I love this quote. Whatever is just. If there is any excellence, if there is any little grain of positivity in something, focus on that. That will help you be more optimistic, that will help you be happier. Philippians. I can do all things through him who strengthens me. Okay, again, obviously that refers to a higher power. But we can also do all things through good, orderly direction. We can achieve that goal if we follow the path. Romans 15. May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing. When we're hopeful, we tend to have a happier heart. That's just the way it goes. Romans 12. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation. Be constant in prayer. So when you feel hopeful, revel in it. Go. Oh my gosh, this is such a great feeling. When things don't go your way, be patient, be optimistic that they are going to get better. And constant in prayer is that constant focus on what is the next thing I need to do. What is the next thing that will keep me in that good, orderly direction. Proverbs 17 A joyful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. Self explanatory. John 5 this is the confidence which we have before him, that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us, that he again can be translated to good, orderly direction. We have the confidence that if we follow the plan, if we stay the course, that we can do whatever and achieve whatever we're trying to do. So seven Days of Optimism Positivity Journaling Journal or think about a positive thing or positive things that you're going to do that day and encourage people to do this on the drive to work or on their bus ride or something. Really get in that positive frame of mind before they walk in and start their day. If they can do it before they leave the house, that's great. Some people don't have time or won't make time. That's okay. You can be positive. You can take that moment on the way to work or getting ready at the end of the day, have them journal or talk to somebody. Not everybody likes to journal, and that's cool for 20 minutes about positive things that happen that day. Even if somebody doesn't like to journal, if you can encourage them to jot down just little bullet points about positive things that happened that day, then they can go back and look at it again. Not everybody's going to do it. That's cool. But I do want to get people into that positive frame of mind because we need to force ourselves. This is learned optimism. You can go look up Martin Seligman's book if you want to. A lot of great stuff in there, but we're having people move towards focusing on the positive. Day two is five to one. For every setback or unpleasant thing that you notice, find five positive things. One day I had a flat tire. Okay, that's unpleasant. However, I was in a safe place. It allowed me more time to work out. I was able to get it repaired the next day and I didn't have anywhere to go. The weather was nice and I can't remember what the fifth thing was, but encouraging people when something bad happens, go, okay, this part really sucks. But let's look at the bigger picture. If your spouse happens to get out of bed on the wrong side of the bed that day and is just grumpy as all get out, all right, may not Be a pleasant moment. However, you'll love that person because they've done wonderful things, because they're a great parent to your children, yada, yada, whatever. Find five things that are positive about that person. You, you don't. It would be nice if you told them, but you don't necessarily have to tell them. But remind yourself, all right, this person is really being a stinker and a half today. However, big picture today is momentary and fleeting. Misbehaving children. All children misbehave. But if they misbehave, sometimes it means they're curious, sometimes it means that they have high intellect. They're children, they are lovable, even if they make poor choices. These are the things we want to encourage people to look at. And stray animals, you know, those hurt my heart when I see stray animals. So that makes me sad. What are the positives that I can focus on? So encourage people to spend the entire day after group every time they see something that makes their heart sad. Find five things that make their heart happy, especially as it pertains to that situation. Day three is hardiness. And this comes from, wow, the 1970s when they started talking about commitment, control and challenge. We are committed to living a happy, rich life. And there are a lot of things in our life we're committed to. You can think about, you've got your job, you've got your kids, you've got your friends, you've got your hobbies, lots of stuff. Now work may not be going so good right now, okay, but you're committed to a bunch of other things in your life. There's a lot of things worth living for. There's a lot of things that are going well that you can put your energy into control, focusing on those things in all of those areas over which you have control. Because you can't control everything. If work kind of stinks right now, you can control your reaction to it. You know, you might be able to find a new, new job. There are things you can do to address it. However, you've got to be realistic about what you can control and focus on those things. And challenge focusing on, you know, let's stick with the story that works. Not going well. Alright, let me look at the things that I can control here and let me look at this as a challenge. It's going to help me grow as a person and an employee in order to better deal with situations like this in the future. So we go around and in groups or in group and I propose four different scenarios that we talk about. So if you Are clinically depressed? How can you use the concepts of commitment, control, and challenge to help you feel more optimistic if you're going through a divorce? How can you use these concepts to help you feel more optimistic if you're broke? And this is especially salient sometimes during the holidays, where people feel guilty or frustrated or lots of other feelings because they can't afford to buy the gifts that they want to get give other people. How can you use the ideas of commitment, control, and challenge to find optimism and help you be a little happier? And then if you experience a death or a loss, it happens. So what other things in your life are you committed to? What parts of this death or loss do you have control over? And how can you view it as a challenge instead of a barrier? And when I talk about challenges in group with people or we talk about challenges or obstacles because we run obstacle courses, that means you got to figure out a way to get over it. A barrier is something that just blocks you. An obstacle is something that you can get around. It just takes a little creativity sometimes. So thinking in terms of obstacles and challenges instead of barriers through the rest of that day, Encouraging people to explore life when they have negative feelings in terms of commitment, control, and challenge. All right, I'm having this feeling of depression or I'm having this feeling of frustration about this particular situation. That's okay. Radically accepted. It is what it is. What else in my life am I committed to? Even if I can't have my way here, what else in my life makes it worth living and rich and meaningful? Day 4 is dialectics encourage people to find the middle ground. And I had a friend send me a post on Facebook today about how I tend to be something of a dialectic myself. I'm kind of two opposites. I can be forceful and I can be compassionate at the same time. So, yes, I can be. I can be very generous, and I can be extraordinarily frugal. I'm both of those things. How does that happen? How do we synthesize those things? So the first thing I do is we go around the group, and I have people identify dialectics that they embody, where they are opposites. They have both characteristics of two opposite things. They can be forgiving and they can be angry at the same time. You know, how does that work? They can be compassionate and they can be critical at the same time. How does that work? Encouraging people to recognize that we are a synthesis of different things at all times? It can start helping them look at the opposites. If I Accept something happened or someone's point of view, it means I agree. If I refuse to accept, it means I disagree. So those are two opposites. How can you synthesize those two? How can you accept something and disagree at the same time? And we'll talk about that in group because these are sticking points to radical acceptance. If I forgive somebody for something, it means I condone what they did. If I stay angry, it means I don't condone it. How can you forgive and condone at the same time? This is something that we talk about as a group and what it means to forgive and the purpose of forgiveness to free up your own energy, yada yada. How can somebody be lazy and productive at the same time? There are days that I can be a total couch potato, but when I'm on, I am on 2000%. So I balance those things. Some people are more steady state. I'm more sprint and relax. And somebody can be honest and a liar. They can be honest most of the time, but maybe they lied to you about something. So encouraging people to look at how they might synthesize those dialectics so both things can actually be true. Day 5 Live in the and have that can do attitude. I ask clients, what are five things you're afraid of? And have them throw things out. If they can't come up with anything, I will prompt them. What is something that you're afraid of that makes you think that you might die? Roller coasters, heights, tunnels. Those are three for me. And I put those out there because I want clients to recognize I'm human and I have a lot of irrational fears. And that's okay. I recognize them. But I can be on a roller coaster, be afraid that I might die and still ride that roller coaster. Am I going to enjoy it? Maybe not. I can climb heights. I can be on a rooftop balcony and be afraid of heights at the same time. And it can be okay. You know, I do it all the time. I go into parking garages and balconies. I want people to recognize that they can experience a fear and live in the and rejection. Some people fear rejection so they don't make a friend. So if they're fearing this, I can be afraid that I'm going to be rejected and reach out and try to make that friend at the same time. Isolation, leaving a relationship. I can be afraid that I'm going to be alone forever, that I'm going to be isolated and choose to leave this relationship because it's going to be healthier for me. So help people live in the and by accepting that they can experience discomfort and still have the courage to do the same things. And we talk about things that people have done that have helped them live in the and what things have you done that you were terrified about, but you did them anyway? Ask people living in the and who are two people you disagree or don't get along with, and maybe a family member or a co worker. So how can you coexist with them and not like them at the same time? Because we all have occasionally co workers that we don't get along with but we have to work with. So how can you work with them and you know them, not be your favorite person? Day 6 Stop minimizing the Positive Encourage people to start saying, I did that. Gosh darn it. Have them, believe it or not, personalize. This is when we want them to personalize the positive, to take ownership for it and say, you know what? I did some stuff today that I'm proud of and it doesn't have to be monumental stuff. It can be. I cleaned out my email inbox and I'm proud of myself for doing that. Good for me. Have clients keep a running list of three things that they do well each day so they can go back and remember, you know, I did that. I actually did get a lot done this week. It's a lot easier to look back and go, oh, wow, I didn't realize how much I got done than to think about it ahead of time. Encourage people to make a list, collage or scrapbook of their accomplishments, including times when they've shown courage or strength. They don't have to show it to anybody. This is their optimism scrapbook that they can look back when they're feeling low, when they're feeling like they can't do something, when they need that can do push. They can look back and go, okay, I've been through crappy things before and I've made it. I got this. And Day seven Encourage people to focus on the external, changeable and specific aspects of unpleasant things. We're encouraging optimism here. We're not necessarily addressing mental health issues. I use my handy dandy stack of common stuck points or issues that come up in counseling that have internal, global negative statements. So if something bad happens, something says, this is my fault, I suck at relationships because I'm a bad person. Well, that's internal, global and negative. So encourage people when something unpleasant happens, practice viewing it as caused by someone or something else. Or at least consider other factors. Let's look at the reason all of these relationships ended. Was it just you? Yes, you were a common factor, but what else was there? Identify what parts are within your power to change so there are changeable aspects. And be specific. Instead of saying that person is a liar, say this person lied to me about xyz. Or instead of saying I suck at relationships saying my relationship with this person was a bad fit because or this relationship didn't work out because it's not all relationships, it's this relationship. And it's looking at not only, you know, there's internal factors, but looking at some of those external factors so the person doesn't feel the entire onus of responsibility. Okay, now compassion logically makes sense. Compassion is a sense of shared suffering which helps us feel empathy instead of anger and self. Compassion helps us improve self acceptance and self esteem. In 2019 I will be doing a couple of episodes on helping people improve self compassion and some of the obstacles to that what the Bible says Peter above all keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins and that includes loving yourself. Corinthians Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Compassion is a sense of empathy and love for somebody else or some other entity just because they are Matthew I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me. So when we exercise compassion for one another, we improve the whole community, not just one. Remember the prisoners as though in prison with them and those who are ill treated, since you yourselves are also in one body. So extend compassion for other people, recognizing that we're all part of one community. Extend compassion and understanding to those people, recognizing that we all have a part to play. So it's important to take care of one another because you know you want to make sure the whole system is functioning. Corinthians but now you should forgive him and encourage him. This will keep him from having too much sadness and giving up completely. So when we have compassion for other people, we encourage them to learn and grow instead of self denigrate. When we have compassion for ourselves, it keeps us from feeling too guilty and giving up completely. And Galatians 6 Someone in your group might do something wrong. Help make that person right again and do it in a gentle way because we all make mistakes. So when we're compassionate with other people, when we gently provide constructive feedback, it's a lot more helpful. Day 1 Guilt and distress Reduction so I start out by telling you that compassion may be a really tough topic for many of your clients so go into it carefully or, you know, consider whether you're going to go into it at all in a group sort of setting. Because poor primary attachment relationships can trigger immense grief when beginning compassion work, because it reminds them of all the stuff that they wanted as a kid that they never had. That compassionate relationship with a strong attachment figure. And prior traumatization by compassionate others can also trigger trauma reactions in child abuse especially. But any kind of violence, many times the grooming process, that groomer, the perpetrator, acts compassionately, acts tenderly in order to draw the victim or the survivor, in this case, in. So we do want to be aware of this when we start talking about compassion. That can be a trigger button for a lot of people. That being said, if it's safe to proceed with this activity, ask people what messages they received about being compassionate when they were growing up. Some people will say, you know, compassionate is just an excuse for laziness. People need to suck it up and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Or compassion makes people soft. So I want to start talking about, what preconceived notions do you have about this concept of compassion? And then we talk about, do you agree with those messages? Does compassion make people soft? Is compassion just an excuse for excusing somebody's laziness? We want to talk about that and come to the notion of compassion as empathy, hopefully. Day 2 Alternate explanations encourage people throughout the day to find three alternate explanations for someone's behavior. When you start to feel irritated, whether it's somebody who's tailgating you or a slow cashier, or your child who you've asked to come down to dinner or three times and they still haven't shown up, asking yourself, what are three possible explanations for why this might be happening? And remember that you can love a person without liking their behavior. Sometimes people are going to screw up or do things that are unkind. Doesn't mean you have to. You have to excuse it or say, it's okay, you can still love that person without liking their behavior. Day three Acts of kindness. Love this one. Imagine you're another entity, a person, an animal, Mother Earth, whatever it is, something that's suffering. You imagine you're that. What would you want someone to do to alleviate your suffering? Well, so you kind of get it from the horse's mouth, so to speak, and then have people switch roles. Okay, now you're the person who's going to do something to alleviate the suffering. Pick one of those things you just identified. So you're having them step in and step out of those shoes. Another act of kindness is to treat others as you want to be treated. Yeah, that whole golden rule thing. And treat yourself as you treat others. Because a lot of times we are so much meaner to ourselves than we are to other people. So encouraging people to treat themselves with the same kindness and compassion that they likely show to their kids and other people, not themselves. Day four is the ripple effect. What effect does self compassion have on you? If you are compassionate with yourself, if you, you know, cut yourself a little slack, if you give yourself an internal hug, what effect does that have on you versus being critical and condescending and whatever else, what effect does it have on those around you? When you are self compassionate? It has theoretically a positive effect. So that positive effect, what does that do? How does that affect the people around you? If you're in a happier mood or a more compassionate mood and when they experience you in that state, it affects them. So then how does that affect the people that they interact with? So thinking about that whole ripple effect, and then we do the same question for other compassion. What effect does it have when you are compassionate to others, what effect does that have on you? When I'm compassionate to others, it helps me release anger and irritability and feel empathy and, you know, all that negativity can go away. And how does that affect the people around me? Well, it models ways to let go of anger and it can help people feel less stressed. And if I'm less stressed, other people are probably less stressed. Day five is compassionate boundaries. Remember, you can't fix the world, you can't fix other people. They have to want to do the work themselves. And sometimes you don't need to fix yourself. Sometimes you're depressed and it's okay to just sit with that for a minute. It's okay to say, you know what, I'm depressed. It is what it is. You don't want to unpack and live there, but it's okay to sit with it for a minute, identify what you do and do not have control over. So compassionate boundaries helps us see. Okay, I can feel empathy, but there are certain things I don't have the power to change and I can't take responsibility for that or I'm going to be fighting a losing battle. An activity we do in group. What things hurt your heart? When my kids are hurting, that makes my heart hurt. So what can I do about that? I can't fix the whole world. What can I do to fix the fact that my kids are hurting? I can't fix Every kid. Homelessness can't provide everybody a home. But what can I do to address homelessness in my community or even in a corner of my community? You can ask the same questions about someone with addiction, children in an unhealthy situation, abandoned animals, comes up again. And even when I'm exhausted and cannot do the things that I should, a lot of times that hurts people's heart. They feel guilty. Okay? So setting those compassionate boundaries. Some days we just can't. We're not on our A game. And compassion would say, you know, it's okay not to be on your A game every day. So those are things that you can talk about in. Group that can start spawning a cushion, developing this interject of someone that comforts and protects you. It can be an angel, it can be a maternal figure figure, it can be the warmth of sunlight, whatever it is. I want people to develop a compassionate image that they can see in their mind's eye when they're needing that internal hug and Day seven Commonalities Practice when you start feeling frustrated or irritated, reminding yourself that just like me, this person is seeking happiness in his or her life. Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering. Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness and despair. Just like me, this person is trying to fill his or her needs. And just like me, this person is learning about life. They don't know everything. Recognizing our commonalities can help us feel more compassion for other people. Instead of being critical, open mindedness helps us take other perspectives, see things we may not have seen, and reduces the distress caused by having to have everything our way all the time. Optimism helps us focus on all the things that are going right. And so we start noticing even more things that are awesome in our world. And compassion for self and others encourages us to let go of anger in exchange for empathy and understanding, so that we might be able to support and encourage ourselves and other people instead of criticizing and condemning. All right, are there any questions? Now remember, when you're doing these groups on spirituality, they're formalized religion and even, you know, certain religious texts can be very hurtful or triggering for some people. So you do want to be cognizant about what you're presenting. However, again, encouraging people to recognize commonalities between spirituality and between belief systems is really what I try to encourage in these presentations. Encouraging them to see that each religion, for example, embraces compassion. And that's a good thing. Yeah, there are certain stories and stuff in every scriptural text that are unpleasant. But what are the what's the underlying message that we're hoping to get out of it and that can be open for discussion? And in answer to your question, Christina, yes, I do. I when I do these groups, I assume, and so far I've been right, that every group I have some atheists, I have some people who are agnostic, I have some people who are Christian, I have some people who are, you know, other religions. I want us all to bring our points of view in there. And for those people who don't embrace a higher power, again, I want them to focus on the plan, the good, orderly direction that's going to get them to their goal. And so far, I haven't had a problem with anybody embracing that concept of what is your path? What is your good, orderly direction? Alrighty, everybody. So next Tuesday we will do part four and then we were we will move on to other things. For support, send a Support ticket to supportlce.com. If this podcast helps you help your clients or yourself, please support us by purchasing your ceus@allce.com or getting your agency to sponsor an episode. A direct link to the on demand CEUs for this podcast is@allce.com podcastceus that's allceus.com podcastceus to sponsor an episode of Counselor Toolbox and reach over 50,000 clinicians per week, go to allce.com sponsor thank you.