The Dark Truth About Splitting: Relationship Wrecker Unveiled

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to today's video that answers the question, what is splitting? Splitting means seeing someone which can include yourself as either all good or all bad. It's normal for young children to think in dichotomies like this because they don't have the ability to see the exceptions. Piaget talked about how they think concretely. They think in what, in terms of what they can see, and they think in terms of all or nothing, love or hate, safe or dangerous. And when people experience traumas, especially during this cognitive phase, they a lot of their beliefs may stick in terms that are all or nothing. Splitting can also develop in adulthood if someone experiences several similar traumatic events. If they start to experience experience, for example, abuse or addiction in relationships, and they experience it in multiple relationships, they might may start thinking that every relationship is like this. So when they start to see those behaviors come out in the next relationship, they split. They say, oh, I know what to expect. This is going to be all bad. I'm out. These memories that people form around traumas form scripts that are supposed to help people anticipate and prevent harm. You know, none of us wants to be in danger. When the threat script is triggered in the present, the person will often switch from loving to hating because that has helped them stay safe in the past. So when I'm in a relationship with you, if I've had traumatic prior relationships and, and you do something, you may not realize what it is, and I may not even realize what it is, and it triggers me, then I may switch from thinking that you're safe and loving to dangerous and hateful, and there's no middle ground. Unfortunately, a lot of people who split also do the same thing for themselves. If they're doing things in a way that they perceive as good or okay, then they're okay. But as soon as they make a mistake, they see themselves as all bad. And that can also be problematic. Recognizing again, where did this form, where did this thought process come from? And most of the time, if you go back in your past, you'll find a situation in which when you didn't do exactly what you were supposed to do, it became a dangerous situation. So you learned, you internalized from those experiences that you're lovable when you do everything right and you're awful when you make a mistake. Splitting manifests in relationships as control and chaos. If I'm in control, it's all good. And that can be, if I'm in control of me, it's all good. And if I'm out of control or Memories of being out of control are triggered and it's all bad. And for a lot of people that split, it's those memories that come up, those trauma memories that say, hey, we've been in similar situations before. It was bad and you need to get out of here. There's no thinking, there's no time to evaluate the facts in context. It's fight or flight. And it's important to recognize that, as I said earlier, it's important to recognize that people may split within themselves, seeing themselves as all good or all bad, or they can split in other relationships. And that can feel very chaotic for somebody who's in, in a relationship with you and you split and they're like, what did I do? I have no idea what I did. Many people who split as well as those who are in relationships with them may not even consciously recognize what the trigger was. Something happened, they got that feeling. And we know trauma is sort of programmed into the body, into the nervous system. So they got that feeling that, oh crap, I'm not safe. And that triggered the splitting. That triggered the trauma response of, you're unsafe, get away. This leads to the following from both parties. So think about being in a relationship with somebody who suddenly starts feeling unsafe and they dysregulate. That means they suddenly become super angry or terrified. They've split, you're unsafe, they don't feel safe. You know, everything's spiraling right now, so that person emotionally dysregulates. And a lot of times the non splitting person may also get angry or frustrated because they're like, what did I do? You know, you're not being, quote, rational. And that's only going to make the person who's splitting feel more unsafe because you're invalidating their sense of unsafeness. So it's really important to recognize that when someone splits, it's not only emotionally chaotic for them, but it's emotionally chaotic for the person on the receiving end. There's often guilt from both parties. The person who splits once they've had a chance to downregulate, which can take some time, they may feel guilty for the intensity of their reaction or for things that they said. And the person who is the non splitter may feel guilty for triggering the splitting or may feel guilty for things they said or did in response to the person splitting. Like, you always do this. I don't know why you're doing it, I don't understand, I can't deal with this. Which again, those sorts of statements are going to make the person splitting feel Even more unsafe. So there may be guilt on both parts in how they reacted and how they handled it. And then there's walking on eggshells. And the person who splits may or may not walk on eggshells. They may downregulate again and, and start feeling like, okay, I'm safe, everything's fine. But they're hyper vigilant. They're just constantly scanning for those threats. And the person that they're in the relationship with is starting to walk around going, I have no idea what I did that triggered them or what set them off or how to respond. So I need to just try not to break any of these eggs. So what do you do about it? Splitting is a trauma response. Splitting is a protective behavior. And it's important to recognize that generally it's a reaction to expected abandonment or harm or memories of that abandonment or harm. If you are in a relationship with somebody and you have that one facial expression that reminds them of a facial expression that their abuser had, then that could be triggering. Or if you sigh a certain way, sometimes the triggers can be extremely innocuous. So it's important to not get too down in the weeds about what specifically was it, but recognized. Splitting is a trauma related response designed to help the person stay safe, which tells you they don't feel safe. So what do you do? Work to improve awareness of how these behaviors developed to help you or to help them. If you're working with somebody who's splitting to help them stay safe, start to understand what, where did this develop? What memories and traumas are they associated with that you may still feel unsafe about. You know, when you experience a trauma, sometimes you pack it up and you don't ever process it. So even though you recognize you're safe in the present, there's a part of you that still holds on to that terror that you experienced. So become aware of how these splitting behaviors developed. Become aware of major triggers and vulnerabilities. As I said, you can't be aware of every trigger. But being aware of major triggers is important. For example, when you raise your voice, it triggers me because it reminds me of blah, blah, blah. Okay, does that mean you can never raise your voice? No, it's. That's a human thing that you're going to do. But being cognizant of it, being considerate of it, and trying not to is going to be important. And vulnerabilities are things, and a lot of this goes back to line hand's work, but vulnerabilities are things that make you More likely to react strongly to situations, more likely to feel scared. So, for example, when I am in a strange place, I am more vulnerable to strong reactions than when I am sitting in my own bedroom. When I am in big crowds, I don't like big crowds. I am more vulnerable to a stronger stress response than other times. Recognizing this is really important. Develop a safety plan. And when you, if you're the person who splits or they, if, if it's somebody you're in a relationship with are triggered, focus on safety and empowerment. Not proving how you're safe, not contradicting how the person who is splitting feels, but recognizing and. And the safety plan basically asks the question, when you start to feel unsafe, when you start to split or disregulate, what are three things that are helpful for people to do to help you stay safe? And what are three things that are unhelpful that people do when they're trying to help you stay safe? That way you don't do things that people often do that make the person feel even more unsafe. But it also gives you a toolbox to say, okay, you're feeling unsafe. You, these are the things you've identified, help you feel safe. So let's do those right now. And one of those things may be if you're in a relationship with somebody who's splitting, one of those things may be for you to leave. And they may need time by themselves to down regulate, get into their wise mind and process what's going on. And that can feel really disempowering for you because you want to stay and prove that you're safe. But one of the best ways you can do that is by saying, I'm going to respect your boundaries and I'm going to leave for a little while. The splitter, the person who's splitting can be empowered to consider going to therapy. And I have this in bold. If you start telling somebody that they're overreacting all the time and they need to go to therapy and blah, you're saying something, something's wrong with you and something is not wrong with them. They develop these behaviors as a result of trauma, and these behaviors help them stay safe until now. So something is not wrong with them. Something causes that behavior to come out. So we want to look at what's causing this and help you process that. But forcing them into therapy is only, again, it's another thing that's going to make them feel powerless and rejected. However, therapy can be a great place for people who split to explore the traumas and vulnerabilities that make them likely to engage in those behaviors and identify strategies for change, identify what they need to do in order to help themselves feel safe and not automatically go to that trauma reaction. Splitting is a defense mechanism designed to help a person stay safe. Trying to convince someone who is split that you're safe is only confirming their fears because you're invalidating their thoughts and feelings. You're violating their boundaries in the moment. Restoring a sense of safety and empowerment can include grounding, distress tolerance and and radical acceptance. This can be really helpful, and it may be something the person who's splitting wants you to do with them, or it may be something that they need to do in order to get into their wise mind and they'll call you later. Thank you very much. Once the person is in their wise mind, then they can be empowered to work on processing what happened in order to make an informed choice. So once they get into that wise mind, then they can say, all right, I can think clearly. Now, let me consider the facts in context and decide. Was this a dangerous situation? Is this a dangerous person? Or was I reacting to memories and traumas from my past? These are not all the tools, obviously, to address splitting, but this question had come up several times on the channel, so I figured I'd give you a little bit of insight into what might be going on when splitting occurs.