The Hidden Reason People Fake Identities | Relationship Advice

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this video on the one reason we may take on an identity, to be liked and mask our true selves. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. If you go online, you're going to find a lot of reasons that people are living inauthentically where they're masking their true selves. But ultimately it boils down to one thing. Fear. So let's take a look at how fear underscores most of these reasons and what we can do about it. The first one is fear that if we don't conform, we won't get what we want. Well, in a lot of places that's true. If you don't act right at work, you may not get the promotion you want. If you don't follow the rules at a particular place, you may not be able to stay there or succeed there. So there is certain element of our society that says it's not okay to be 100% authentic 100% of the time. The next one is fear that we will be rejected if we are authentic. And that is a core need. We need to be loved. We need to be accepted. Unfortunately, a lot of people take this to the extreme and they think to themselves, if I am not liked by everybody all the time for everything I believe, then I'm not loved, then I'm not lovable. And that's not true. Yes, it. When you're authentic, it's true. There are some people who are going to disagree with you. There are some people who are not going to want to spend time with you, for example, but that's on them. That's their stuff. Not being able to maintain healthy boundaries. When people can't maintain healthy boundaries, they say, well, if you don't believe my beliefs, then I can't have anything to do with you. And that means that they're trying to change your beliefs. They're imposing their beliefs on you instead of saying, all right, you're entitled to your opinion. I disagree, but you're entitled to your opinion. Fear of being alone. In our cancel culture, in our swipe left society, it can be really intimidating to, to be authentic. Because when we are authentic, we make ourselves vulnerable. And that can really hurt if we're rejected. And in this society of ghosting and canceling and swiping left, it's important to remember that people are really searching for true human connection. Believe it or not, most people are searching for some true human connection. And because we're not meant to be alone, we even have a hormone in our body. That's designed to intensify bonding. We wouldn't have that if we were meant to be alone. However, again, this is where it's taken to extreme. Where people have had experiences of being rejected and being abandoned when they've been authentic. So they're afraid to do that again because they so desperately crave being connected with someone else. One of the beauties, if you will, of our society now, of our technology now, is it opens up a world of possibilities. So you may not be accepted by the people in one particular area, one particular group, but there's a whole array of different groups and places where you can find acceptance. So people don't have to be alone. If this particular person doesn't like you, okay, there's somebody out there who will. Fear of not being good enough, which leads to a need for approval. And validation from others is also a reason for inauthentic inauthenticity. When people are told when they're growing up that they're not good enough, when people are told that when you do your best, that's just not enough, then they don't develop a sense of self esteem. They don't develop an ability to tell themselves, hey, I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and gosh darn it, there are people out there who will like me. And it's important to remember that people who have low self esteem are not able to give themselves approval and validation. They're desperately trying to get it from other people. So if they're being rejected, if people disagree with them when they're authentic, then they're going to stop doing that. They're going to say, well, you know, being inauthentic is less painful than being alone. And fear of conflict or rejection. A lot of people grew up in environments where conflict was not safe. It was not safe to disagree with people. And that safety can take a lot of different forms that we're not going to go into here. But everything from, you know, being canceled to being abandoned and everything in between can happen when you are in a situation with people who are individuals, with people who believe that they are being authentic and everybody else should agree with them. And it's important to consider how avoiding conflict impacts you. Virtually nobody is 100% authentic 100% of the time. When we all have to temper our level of authenticity in different settings. It's just the way it is. It's the way the world works. Sorry, but it is. It's important to examine what's driving your fears, though. If you find that you are inauthentic 90% of the time, then that's probably a problem. Now I can't say it is. Maybe you're fine with it and if so, all right. But we really want to strive to find settings where we can be a hundred percent authentic a hundred percent of the time in our life. So maybe at work you can't be a hundred percent authentic about, you know, what you think, about what higher up management just did or whatever. I mean, you can't, you know, be brutally honest. But when you get home, you have a group of people with whom you're safe, with whom you can be your real self. And as my mother used to say, let your hair down. So look at what's driving your fear. And in those different settings, how is inauthenticity impacting your self esteem and ability to live your rich and meaningful life? If you're in settings and you're constantly trying to be a chameleon, trying to appeal to the person du jour, it's probably keeping you from having this life you want, from feeling validated for, from feeling loved for who you are and accepted for who you are and supported to achieve your goals.