The Secret to Building Healthy Relationships: Counselor Education

I'd like to welcome everybody. Today's presentation on developing healthy support networks. Now, this is one thing that a lot of our clients really struggle with is learning what a healthy relationship is versus just any old relationship. So we'll talk about that in depth. Today we're going to define interpersonal effectiveness, identify barriers to interpersonal effectiveness, look at the goals for these relationships, and review techniques for improving relationships and interpersonal effectiveness. So why is it important? And when I do groups with clients, I start out with, why are relationships important? And a lot of times people really never thought about why they're important. They're just like, well, just because you like having friends. Well, why do you like having friends? One of the reasons is relationships are our greatest buffer against stress. Because we are really not meant to carry the whole world. We're more pack organisms than we are organisms designed to live in isolation, which is one of the reasons we have hormones like oxytocin, our bonding hormone. You know, we actually have a hormone that rewards us for connecting with other people. Go figure. The first relationship people need to develop, though, is the relationship with themselves. And this is something that a lot of people skip over. They're trying to develop a friendship here and a relationship there. They're seeking other people to validate them, but they don't really know who they are or like who they are. So this first relationship is characterized by self esteem, self respect, and self compassion. Now, you might argue that the first relationship is the primary attachment relationship, but I'm jumping past that. The first relationship that the person actually actively develops really needs to be with themselves. And hopefully, if there was a good attachment bond with the primary caregiver, then the person naturally went through those Ericksonian stages of psychosocial development and developed relatively good self esteem. They developed self efficacy, that industry versus inferiority, autonomy versus shame and doubt. And they also learned to be compassionate with themselves. Because as children go through those Ericksonian stages, the parent has to be there when the child fails. And the child will fail at some things, whether it's potty training or making a new friend or they fail at something at school, everybody fails at things. That's just part of learning and part of life. But the parent welcomes them back and says, I love you for who you are. You're a good person. Okay, you made a mistake or you didn't succeed at this. Let's look at it. And the parent helps the child develop problem solving skills, but also become self compassionate. If the child comes home and the parent says, you screwed up again, then the child's not going to learn self compassion. Relationships require attention and a clear awareness of what people want, need and expect not only from other people, but from themselves. What do they need themselves? And this is a good discussion question for group. You know, what is it that you want in a relationship? Do you want somebody who's going to text you every single day, seven times a day, or do you want somebody who's going to call you a couple times a week? You know, there are differences. My daughter is very much an introvert and she, she regularly says, you know, I didn't text anybody or I didn't say anything because there was no information that needed to be exchanged. And I'm like, well, okay. That's the way she sees life. She is not a talker. She doesn't like small talk. She talks when there's something to be said and when she doesn't have something to say, she doesn't feel the need to go out and seek that. She'd much rather read or draw or do whatever she does. So we need to recognize in ourselves what is it that we're seeking in a relationship and what do we need and what does the other person need in a relationship? Because you may form a relationship, a friendship or whatever with someone who needs more contact or even as a parent. Some children need a whole lot more feedback and connection and reinforcement for things that they do. So it's important to be aware of not only what you want and need and expect in a relationship expect from other people, but what is it that you can give and what is it that they need and how can you meet their needs in a way that also meets your needs. So if you have a high contact person we'll talk about will call it that, and somebody like my daughter who's a low contact person and they're in relationship, how do you balance it out? So both people feel like they're getting their communication and connection needs met. And there's no easy, easy answer to that. It is important for those people to have an open line of communication. And my daughter has already had that experience. And she told the other person, she's like, you know what? I am more than happy to be your friend. I am more than happy to talk to you. I enjoy your company, but I'm an introvert. I'm just not one of those people who needs to be texting every day, all day. She stopped short of saying, it's exhausting to me. But that's what she ended up saying to me because she does get exhausted if she's having to, as she puts it, extrovert for too terribly long. She knows that about herself and that's a good thing. And she's able to communicate that to other people. It's not you. It's not that I don't want to talk to you, it's just I need me time. And I was like, okay, well that's pretty insightful for a 14 year old. Go girl. It's important in developing relationships to make full use of any opportunities to interact with others that you have that you want to take. Not everybody's going to be going out there all the time. Not everybody is going to want to make friends. Friends, that was one thing. You know, I tend to be more extroverted in nature and it befuddled me when my kids started martial arts that they didn't immediately get contact information of everybody and start texting and calling and doing that stuff that I would have done, but that wasn't important to them. So there was an opportunity to interact, but that was not one that they needed because they were getting their social needs met in that class, which, I mean, it met seven days a week. So they were getting to see people. But it is important in developing relationships not to let things go by. So if there are opportunities to connect with a friend, then it's important to do so and interact with people who share similar interests and generally respond positively to you. Well, that kind of makes sense. You want to hang out with people who you have something to talk about. And in general, it's not an argumentative or a conflict conflictual type relationship. Interpersonal effectiveness, you have this relationship out there, you start knowing who you are, start having a sense of self. That's great. You're developing that relationship. Now you want to start interacting with others, you have to know how to communicate, interact with others in an effective way. Interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to get other people to do things you want them to do. Now I'm not talking manipulation here, you know, not not being underhanded and malicious. I'm talking about how do you get somebody to help you move if you need help moving? How do you ask for something when you need it? Interpersonal effectiveness is the ability to get others to take you seriously. So, you know, we've all encountered people, whether they be clients or other people who are regularly talking in ways that tend to be extreme so they don't get taken seriously because it's like, oh, another crisis with that person or you know, the sky is falling again. When, you know, because they tend to talk in such extreme tones, if you will. So we do want to look at communicating effectively with people, what your needs are, without having to be overly dramatic or overly serious or whatever. It lets you effectively say no to unwanted requests. A lot of our clients, and a lot of people have difficulty saying no because we feel guilty if somebody needs help moving. You know, that's one of those big ones that comes up. Or they need somebody to watch their kid or watch their dog over the holidays or whatever they may ask. And sometimes you feel guilty saying no. It's like, you know, I don't really want to, or I've got other things planned. But. So it's important for people to recognize that their worth as a person is based on who they are. And sometimes people are going to make requests that they're just not willing or able to accommodate because they have other priorities. And learning how to effectively say no, to say it nicely and deal with any resistance that they may get, is really important. It's the ability to strengthen current relationships by being able to understand what other people need. And we're going to talk a lot about that in a few minutes. Being able to find and build new relationships. You know, relationships are great, but sometimes, you know, your best friend that you go to the gym with every single day, well, they move or they have a baby or something, and they can't go to the gym with you every day, and you still want a gym partner. So how do you find and build new relationships? Not everybody is going to want to have 20 BFFs. That's fine. You know, some people are good with one or two, and that's cool. But it's important to know how to find new friends if you want to. Like when I started working with Angora rabbits, you know, I started reaching out and trying to connect with people in the Angora rabbit community. And hopeless relationships. Yeah, you know, that's part of being effective, is recognizing when a relationship just ain't gonna work for some reason and knowing how to end it for your own personal safety in order to respect that relationship with yourself and live authentically. How to create and maintain balance and relationships are give and take. I talk about a seesaw, you know, it's not always going to be balanced like this. Sometimes somebody's going to be in crisis and somebody else is going to be giving a whole lot. That's okay. That happens as long as when the other. When the tables are turned, that the other person is willing to be there and give 110%. And we need to balance acceptance and change in relationships. Things change, people get married, people change jobs, people move. And there's a certain element, you know, we may not like everything that's going on or be as happy about it, but being able to accept that it's going on, being able to accept change as it comes, because reality is ever changing, our relationship with other people is ever changing, our knowledge of ourself is often changing. So let's talk about the seven habits. And you know, this is based off the seven habits of highly effective people. But I found it's a good framework because most people have heard of this. So it doesn't sound like I'm talking about something, you know, from, from Mars. First, in relationships, we need to be proactive, communicate often for that person and effectively. And again, what does often mean? And you can ask a group of eight people, and I would encourage you to ask a group of eight people so they can see what does often mean? How often do you communicate? And if they don't know, you know, I'll say, how often do you communicate with your best friend? How often do you communicate with your spouse? You know, and get an idea of how often people communicate and then say, okay, does that feel like enough? Does that feel like too much? You know, what do you think? And communicate effectively Sometimes and especially in this digital age, it there's so much communication that just isn't effective because things get said in text that are misconstrued on the other end, you know, there's a lot of ineffective communication. So it's important to figure out how in relationships, in important relationships, to communicate often and effectively. Some clients that I've worked with, you know that they're really busy with work and you know, their everything but work has fallen away and they're stressed out all the time and they're lonely. And so we talk about, okay, you know, if you had to do something at work, start a new project at work, what would you do? And they're like, well, I would set goals and I would put it on my calendar. Well, okay, let's do that. So for some people, at least initially, they need to schedule in communication time with their friends to remind them that, hey, life's not all work. I need to step out and make a 10 minute phone call. We need to be proactive by knowing what we need and want in life and from others. And I encourage clients to, I give them a worksheet to take home after this group because I want them to really ponder what it Is that they need in life, you know, as far as comfort, as far as security, as far as communication, as far as love. And what part do others contribute to that? That way they're more aware of what they're trying to get out of relationships, what they need in relationships and what they can give in relationships. Know what your partner needs, and we're going to talk about differences in temperament in a few minutes. But not every partner needs the same thing. Like I was saying earlier, my daughter is very, very different than I am. So it's important for me or be aware of what she needs. She's not one who wants to sit in the living room and chat all evening long. That would about drive her baddie. So I need to give, she needs more space. And you know, like I said, she'll communicate effectively, just not as often as I probably would. But understanding that that's her, her way, her temperament. It is really important then, believing, proactively believing that you deserve what you want in relationships. If you want to be happy, then you deserve to be happy. If you want to have somebody who calls you every day to check in, then you deserve that. Not everybody's going to be willing to do that, but there are people who will. So you need to look for that in relationships. And some people, if you just tell them because they can't read your mind, willing to go that extra step is like, okay, you know, I didn't realize that was important to you. I'll do that more often. So being proactive, you don't want to wait till the relationship is starting to decompensate before you start doing something. It's important to actively nurture this relationship and help it grow. Just like you would a flower in the garden. Begin with the end in mind. So when you get into relationships, what does a good relationship look like? Do you go out all the time? What kinds of things do you do together? Do you laugh? Do you, you know, what is it that a good relationship looks like with a friend, with a significant other, with your parents, you know, and each one of those relationships may look a little bit different, but it's important to know, okay, this is what, in an ideal world, my relationship with my parents would look like. Okay, and what it won't look like now, how do I make that happen? What can I do? And recognizing that relationships are a two way street, if that other person is not willing to meet you halfway, you might not get there. But understanding what is it in this relationship that I have control over in order to make it look More like the relationship that I want. If you want it to look like Warden June Cleaver and the Beaver, you know. Okay, so what do you need to do to make that happen? If you want it to look more like the Simpsons, what do you need to do? Next thing is put first things first. You know, we already talked about beginning with the end in mind. So, you know, this global idea of where you want to go, what you want relationships to look like, well, that's fabulous. Okay, you know what you want in relationships. You've been proactive and you've defined the things that you need. So it's kind of like getting ready to go to the grocery store. You have this list of things that are, you know, this is what I need in a relationship. Now put first things first and prioritize your. And I use the word partner because I didn't know what other word to use because there's lots of different types of relationships. But prioritize your partner in your relationship and yourself over other things. And sometimes, you know, the neighbor will want you to watch their dog, but you and your partner, we're going to go away for the weekend. So do you cancel your weekend plans to watch their dog or do you say, you know what? No, we really need this time away. That's an extreme example in families, you know, when you, especially when you start having children. But even if you're, if you don't have children and it's two people who are working, sometimes other things can get in the way. So it's important for people in relationships to prioritize those relationships. So spending time with your significant other, that has to be a priority. That happens X number of times a week. It may not be every single night. You know, in our house, we try to have dinner together every single night. That is our quality time where we talk about stuff before, you know, we start transporting for evening activities. But that's one thing that we prioritize. Encouraging people to do that, but encouraging couples like parents to prioritize me time alone away from the kids, where they've got time to just connect on that level. Encouraging people who are in romantic relationships to prioritize their relationships with their friends because, you know, there's only so much time you can spend with your significant other. It's important to have other interests, other hobbies, other supports, yada, yada. Don't sacrifice long term goals for short term relief or urges. So if your long term goal is to be in a happy marriage for 30 years or 50 years or whatever it is, Great. If that's what you want. Don't sacrifice that by saying, I'm terrified of being alone. I'd rather just be in a relationship for now if that's not what you want. People have very different views on marriage and relationships, but it's important for them to recognize, is this fulfilling my relationship needs or is this just a stopgap because I feel terrified that I'm going to be abandoned and think, win, win in relationships, give up always being right. Because your partner, whether it's your friend, your boss, your parent, they're going to have other opinions. They have different realities than you do. So whenever you're trying to figure out what to do or how to solve a problem or whatever, try to figure out a way that works for both. People. People. You know, when we go on vacation, it's difficult to drag me on vacation. But when we do go, we typically go somewhere that's, you know, in the mountains, so I can go hiking. I don't like the beach. I grew up in Florida. I'm over the beach. So that's one of those things. If I'm going to go, you know, they kind of tempt me and reward me, if you will, by saying, okay, let's go. Go into the mountains and that'll be fun. And everybody's happy. You know, nobody's getting their feelings hurt because nobody in my family cares that much about the beach either. But, you know, compromising when we go on vacation, that's me compromising, going, okay, everybody really wants a break. You know, mama can take a break for a little while, but it's hard. So making sure that you figure out how to give, and it's that give and take in relationships seek first to understand, then be understood. In American culture particularly, we are too darn concerned with being understood. Most of us start formulating answers to questions before the person's even started or stopped talking. You know, we didn't hear the last half of what they said because we seized onto something and started formulating our answer. It's kind of like the person in jeopardy that hits the button too soon and they don't actually know what the question was. So we need to seek first to understand this other person and then to be understood. And that's where we're creating that. Win, win. Be aware of your impact on others. When you walk into a room, you do you light up the room or do people run scattering because you're walking in like Fred Flintstone when his dinner's late? What is your impact? Do you bring a soothing aura with you, or do you tend to be irritable? Or my daughter, on the other hand, which again, is kind of counterintuitive to her personality, but she is a total comedian. When she gets the bug, she will make people laugh and she desires to make people laugh a lot. So she has a nurturing, uplifting impact on others. Pay attention to your transference issues. We all have them. Whether it's a positive transference like you see somebody and it reminds you of your first love or your favorite teacher or whatever, or you see somebody and it reminds you of that boss that you just couldn't see. Pay attention to that because that's not your boss. That's somebody who looks or sounds like your boss maybe, but is not that person. So make sure not to hold your past stuff from that past relationship against this current person who has no idea what you are talking about. So paying attention to transference issues is really important. And we talk about transference a lot when we talk about, about relationships and group, because transference issues come up a lot in interpersonal, especially romantic relationships, where people will say, well, every person in the past has done this to me. Or so and so from the past, when he started acting like that, you know, it, he had relapsed and it wasn't long before he was out the door. And now you're acting like that. So being aware of those transference issues and encouraging the person to stop, look at the objective evidence of what's going on with that person. And we've been talking the past couple of classes about evaluating things in context. In this context with this person, am I safe? Am I happy? What's going on? I can't use the past exclusively to know what this person's going to do because this person is totally different. Now, the past does inform us a little bit and it may say, be cautious, that's okay. But being cautious, remembering that they may be reacting to something that happened in another relationship is important. Being able to own that and go, you know, this reminds me of a time when pay attention with interest and curiosity. This is my favorite one. Whenever I'm teaching an actual class where I've got people in front of me and I can see their happy eyes, I pay attention with interest and curiosity to find out what is it that they're signaling in on, what is it that they're interested in, what are they curious about, what are they staying awake for? Those are the things I pay attention to. But in relationships, we also need to pay attention. We're coming up on holiday time. And for a lot of us, we end up having, you know, a bunch of people that we're supposed to buy gifts for and we're like, I have no idea what that person wants or is interested in. So if you're paying attention with your interest and curiosity, you'll have at least some idea of the area. Like, my stepfather loves musicals and so I usually get him something musical oriented, you know, the old, you know, old timey musicals. But it, knowing what these things are is helpful with interpersonal effectiveness. If you're interested, if you're curious, a lot of times it makes people feel valued. But when you're interested and you're curious, then you also know what their buttons are. And not talking about the bad buttons, I'm talking about the good buttons, the buttons that bring a smile to their face. I was having a bad moment this morning and there was a picture that I found a couple years ago on the Internet. And its cutest picture is a hamster in a sweater. And unless you've seen it, you just don't know how cute it is. But my husband found it and sent it to me in telegram and he was just like, how can you stay upset? It's a hamster in a sweater. And it made me laugh. I was like, oh, that's my hamster. I got it. But he paid attention, you know, and he pays attention to those little things. So paying attention can help us deepen our relationships because it helps people feel valued and respected and loved and all that kind of stuff. Avoid assuming you know what other people think. We don't know, you know what they say about assuming. Don't assume that they are angry at you. Don't assume that they're not going to want to go to that movie. Don't assume you don't know. Ask. It is much better in relationships to ask something that may appear obvious than to assume and to be wrong. One fun activity that you can do in group with assuming is ask people about times that they've assumed something and they have been totally wrong. I assumed when my husband and I were first married that he liked parties, that he wanted to have a party for his birthday, that he wanted to have a party for his retirement. I was wrong. Very, very, very wrong. He's more of a two or three people go out to dinner type person. He's not a 16 to 20 people in a room type of person. But I assumed because it was what I want, would want, so. And he assumed the opposite. He assumed that, you know, celebration was Going out to dinner and I'm like, no, celebration's a party, let's have a party. So we do need to communicate openly. We also don't want to assume the other person knows what we want. We need to communicate that what is it that makes you happy? Stop multitasking. Don't be talking to somebody and playing on your mobile phone and occasionally looking up or even worse, driving and doing that all at the same time because that tells people that they're not important. If you're going to be effective interpersonally, people need to feel important. Stay in the present instead of planning your response. This is hard. If clients get anything out of this group, hopefully it's this. When they're talking to somebody, listen. Silence is their friend. And listen to the entire thing. And you know, this is basic paraphrasing 101. Listen to the entire thing the person said, then paraphrase it and say, so what I hear you saying is, or you know, some permutation of that. And then take a breath, count to three while they're thinking about their response, and then have their response. Once that person's finished speaking. Then the receiver person has control. So they can take a breath, they can take a minute, and they can think. And it's much better to do it that way and have a slower pace of conversation, but a more effective conversation than to jump in and assume. But assume incorrectly. Develop good communication skills. That includes nonverbal communication. When you're talking to somebody, make eye contact with them. Paraphrase, listen. Try to keep an open posture. There are a lot of activities that you can do with nonverbal communication, but you can do an entire groups on communication skills. Be open to new information. Sometimes you don't have all the answers. Go figure. So you may think one thing and your friend comes in and goes, I disagree and let me tell you why. So if you're open to that, then you're hearing this new information and then you can formulate your opinion again based on the additional information. It doesn't mean you're going to change your opinion, but if you're open to new information, then it gives you more room to understand that person's perspective and make a well rounded judgment about things and try to let go of judgmental thoughts about other people. That's hard too. And that can be anything from this person is such an idiot to I can't believe they would even do that. And all you have to do is go on social networking if you want to see judgmental talk and judgmental thoughts on text yeah, it's a really ugly place to be right now in a lot of. In a lot of feeds. So being aware of that and it's, you know, not just judgmental that you don't agree with, but judgmental, period. I've started unfriending people. If they post memes that call people names or make fun of people or are bullying in any way, I'm like, if you think this is okay to share, then I don't want it on my feet. But that's my choice. Synergize combine your strengths. My husband and I are polar opposites in most things, but we make it work because we balance each other out. He's very introverted. I'm very extroverted. He's very detail oriented. I'm the dreamer. I talk about the meta concepts. I'm very feeling focused. He's very factual. I am extremely time oriented. And he says rigid and he is very spontaneous. But we balance each other out and that is what makes it work. You know, some of the things like woodworking, I don't have the patience for it because it's too detail oriented for me. He loves doing that kind of stuff. I'll go out and mow the lawn all day long. So we combine our strengths and make those things work. Synergize by ensuring there's give and take. Synergy means working together. That doesn't mean just one person doing all the work and the other person sitting there on the couch. So making sure there's give and take and balancing your needs and the other person's needs. And we've talked about that in several different ways, but it's important enough that it comes up a lot. You know, what are your needs in the relationship in general and then what are your needs right now? Sometimes things happen and maybe, you know, he's studying for a certification exam right now, so his needs are to study for that exam. So he's not doing as much around the house as he normally would. So I'm picking up that slack when I have something to do. You know, I won't do as much around the house and he and the kids will pick up the slack. So, you know, it's important that we recognize that, you know, again, things change. There's always a state of flux because our lives are not constant. And it's okay if somebody needs a little bit more help for a while because they've got something else going on. Finally sharpen the saw. Dedicate quality time and take time away. Dedicating Quality time for yourselves in a relationship. You know, whether it's again, not just your romantic relationships, but also your friend relationships and maybe even your work relationships. But you have quality time in each type of relationship. Quality time in your relationships with your family, with your parents. That's important. You want to make sure or it's important to encourage people to make sure that they are nurturing each type of relationship that's important to them. Now I will say for some people, family is not blood relatives. So whatever family means to them, that's who I want them to nurture their relationships with. They may not have healthy relationship and may not be able to have a healthy relationship with their biological relatives. You know, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying the people that are important to your life, in your life, make sure you're dedicating quality time to each one of those relationships on a regular basis. You know, if you've got 30 people that are important, you're not going to be doing it every day. But you can make sure that once a month or something that you reach out or once a week you send a text and finally take time away. Oh my gosh. Yeah. To sharpen the saw, sometimes you need to take time away and redevelop that relationship with yourself. So you're not so and so's mom, so and so's wife, so and so's best friend, so and so's trainer, you are you. And taking time away to rekindle that relationship. Check in with yourself. And yes, mindfulness helps you do it on a day to day basis. But it is important for everybody to take time away where they can just commune with themselves and get regrounded in life. Okay, I kept talking about temperament and knowing each other's needs. We're going to go into that a little bit because that's one of my favorite topics. In order to understand what you and others need and to effectively communicate and synergize all topics we've talked about, it's helpful to understand temperament. Now. You can go to the mbti, you can go to kirci, you can read Please Understand me. There's a book by and I'm going to miss her name right now. Anyway. The book is called Effective Teaching, Effective Learning. And it is a fabulous, fabulous book based on temperament, designed for teachers to help teachers understand how to teach to the different temperaments in their classroom. But I have found it just completely indispensable in working in groups and working with clients because it helps me understand different Interventions that might work for one versus another. Like some people, introverts tend to prefer worksheets more than group work. Extroverts tend to talk things out while they're thinking. So they tend to really like group work and just verbal counseling. So effective teaching, effective learning. And I'll try to find that book later if we get done in time. And that's something to look up. You can get it on Amazon used. It's a really old book for like three bucks or something. Anyhow, Kirci, when I try to explain it to clients instead of getting into the labels because the labels make virtually no sense, I talk about the four dimensions that it looks at. The first dimension, extrovert versus introvert looks at environment and socialization needs. The second dimension, intuitive and sensing looks at conceptualization needs details versus big picture. The third dimension, thinking and feeling, is how people make meaning out of events and what they value, what they make their decisions on, where their motivation is. And the fourth is very roughly time management. So when you've got relationships and we're just going to talk about if you had polar opposites in a relationship because as you know, with the Kircy, with temperaments, people are generally along a continuum somewhere. They're not going to be generally totally at one end or the other. They're going to have a smattering of characteristics of both. That's okay. It's important to know what these are. Extrovert. Extroverts are expansive. They're less passionate. They tend to know a lot little about a lot of things. They tend to be really unsettled, if you will. Introverts on the other hand, are intense and passionate. And this is one of my introvert characteristics. When I find something I'm interested in, I will try to read every book I can get my hands on. I want to know everything there is to know about organic gardening or angora rabbits or raising a premature infant or whatever it is which. Amazon loves me for that. So knowing that difference. Just because somebody doesn't go into the deep dive on every single topic they're interested in doesn't mean that they're not intelligent or they're not interested. But they get bored easily or they can get bored easily. It's important to make sure that you know, you recognize that in people and yourself. Extroverts tend to be really easy to get to know because they like to talk, they are really aware of what's going on around them. They like meeting new people. That's something they enjoy. Introverts have to exert effort to meet new people. They have to get out there. And it's not because they're antisocial. It's just because they're aware of what's going on inside them. And all the stimulus coming in from outside and having to be aware of how everybody else is doing is exhausting for them. So they can be a little bit more difficult to get to know because they're not wanting to go to all those group activities. They want their downtime, they want their, you know, grounding time. Extroverts would rather figure things out while they're talking. And this is one of my extrovert characteristics. I like to, you know, when I've got a problem, I like to talk it out. Introverts would rather figure things out before they talk. My husband, when he's got a problem or when there's something wrong, I know it because he'll come home or he'll stop what he's doing and he'll go outside. And I'm like, oh, he went outside. That's not a good sign. He goes out, he thinks about something, gets it settled in his mind, and then he'll come back and talk about it. Me, as soon as the proverbial stuff hits the fan, I'm just like, okay, I need to talk to somebody about this. It's a difference in communication style. This is one of the things that people fight so much about in relationships. It's like, well, this. This person just wants to talk about it and is all up in my face and I don't have a chance to think and I just need to wrap my head around it. And the other person is going, well, that person doesn't want to talk when there's a problem, they walk away and they just go to their room or go outside or whatever. It's not necessarily a bad thing, helping people understand each other and understand that, you know, the introvert just needs time to get their thoughts together. And the extrovert, they may need to talk right away. And if they do, maybe they need to talk to somebody else or the dog or themselves. You know, there are a lot of people you can talk to. And extroverts, as I said, know what's going on around them rather than inside them. So in relationships, they're very keenly aware of how other people are feeling, not so much with what's going on in them. Introverts, on the other hand, are more likely to know what's going on inside them. They know how they feel, but they have Difficulty or it takes a lot more effort to read other people. Sensing, sensing people are practical and realistic. They like facts. They'd rather do than think. My, my brother in law is very sensing oriented. He's an electrician. His dad told him one day to build a dog house. And his dad is much more. Organized or I don't know what the word is. I'm looking for Daniel. He's like, okay, you want me to build a doghouse? No problem. He went out to the shed, got some scrap wood and some nails and started building. No plan, no nothing. He'd rather do it than sit down and think about it. He did. Both of them do focus on practical and concrete problems, see the details, but may ignore the big picture, which is where you can balance, balance each other out in relationships. And sensing people believe if it isn't broken, don't fix it. Okay, so then there's me, you know, I tend to be more on the intuitive side. I walk into a house, if we're getting ready to buy it, I'm like, okay, that kitchen needs to be torn out and that needs to be remodeled. And oh no, we're not keeping that. And my husband's like, well it works, it's fine. So we balance each other out a little bit in terms of fixing versus fixing things that aren't broken. Intuitive people are imaginative dreamers. And we like abstraction, inspiration, insights. We're dreamers. We like to write stories, we like to write grants. We think about meta concepts and big issues. You know, this is what would in an ideal world would happen to create our utopia. The sensing people are going, okay, in order to do that, you need 17 million square meters of acreage, you need such and such, you know, resources. And they're the ones figuring out all the details, how to actually implement it. We're going, this is what we want. They make it happen. Which is again how our business runs. I come up with the ideas, I'm like, make it so number one. And he does. Intuitive people like to focus on complicated abstract problems like world hunger and peace and those sorts of things. But we can miss the details. You know, we can see this great idea. I remember when I used to write grants, I would write some really awesome sounding grants. But then when you get down into the details, the actual day to day implementation, inevitably I would miss some things when I was preparing the proposal, which is why my partner who would always proofread my grants, she was much more detail oriented and she would go through and go, you know, you kind of jumped this here you didn't explain yourself well. And I'm like, okay, well, I can go back and do that. So you can balance yourself out at work in relationships. But it's important. Some people are going to have these big dreams about what they want to do. They need somebody to help them figure out the details to implement it. The detail. People can get stuck just kind of trudging away. The dreamers say, pick your head up and look. Look at where you're going. Look at the Emerald City that's in front of you. Thinking people want to apply objective principles and value objectivity above sentiment. May think those who are sentimental take things too personally and may argue both sides of an issue for mental stimulation. You know, these are kind of your lawyers here. They want to have objective facts. Feeling people. We want to apply values and ethics and we value sentiment above objectivity. We can think that those preferring objectivity are insensitive and we may prefer to agree with people around us. Now, I tend to be more towards the feeling side. You know, I want people to be happy. I want to do things that are right. I want the little animals. We have a stray outside of my office complex that I trapped and, you know, got it fixed and everything. And I brought it out to my farm because I couldn't stand the thought of thinking about it being cold when it starts getting down to 8 degrees around here. And, you know, that's. We didn't objectively, we certainly did not need another cat. We didn't need another animal on the farm. But, you know, it hurt my heart to think of it being out here alone. And so feeling people, you know, go with their. They're driven by their heart. Thinking people tend to be driven by their head. You can meet in the middle. You know, there are times when you've got to compromise, but a thinking person has to be willing to see it from the feeling person's point of view and vice versa. When you're discussing things in order to motivate the feeling person, you want to talk about how it will help people be happier, how it makes more harmony, how it's, you know, the ethical, the right thing to do. When you're talking with a thinking person and trying to convince them of something or trying to motivate them, give them facts. They like facts. So it's a different way of communication, a different way of motivating. And finally judging and perceiving. Judgers plan ahead, thrive on order, maybe hasty in making decisions. It's like, okay, it's almost close of business Friday. I said I'd have this done by close of business Friday. So what's in front of me is in front of me making the decision instead of waiting to find more information. Judgers tend to be time and deadline oriented. Think those preferring spontaneity are too unpredictable, but they're excellent planners. Now, my daughter inherited this for me. Whether she likes it or not, she is structured. And her best friend is super structured too. It's kind of funny, but, you know, we kind of plan everything out and we like order, but if something comes up that hasn't been planned, we don't really know how to deal with it. Now, as I've gotten older and had kids and everything, I kind of had to learn how to drop back and punt. But she hasn't yet and that is very stressful for her and she needs to be aware of, you know, her stress points when things don't go as planned. But she is great. If you want something done, if you want something organized, if you want something to stay on task, a judger is the person to do it. The perceivers are the people who are more spontaneous. They don't want to have everything scheduled. Perceivers are to do list people, whereas judgers are day planner people. Perceivers thrive on spontaneity and they may fail to make decisions, always thinking there's plenty of time. They think people who aren't spontaneous are too rigid, but they're good at handling unplanned events. That's one of the good things about having a perceiver on your team. They keep you from getting bored. They're good in a crisis. They're good at handling unplanned events. The downside is they may not make decisions. They're not great with deadlines, so you've got to plan for that ahead of time. If you know something needs to be done by Friday and you're working with somebody who you know tends to run a week late, you tell them the deadline's a week earlier in order to keep things moving along. Now, in an ideal world, they would understand their own temperament and adjust that. But we're talking compromise, give and take, creating a win win situation. You want to work with this person on this thing, whatever it is. What can you do for vacations or even for the weekends? I have my schedule, even my weekends are scheduled, and I like it that way. Learned that on Saturdays, the only thing on my schedule is family time. And from there, the perceivers in my family get to decide what we're doing, if we're going hiking, if we're going to clean the barn, whatever we're going to do. So that's important to communicate about what you need and to compromise creating that win win. So they get a little bit of a spontaneity on Saturdays, but I know it's coming and I'm good with that. Other Skills Communication Skills in dbt, we use the in an answer to Patricia Perceivers may be list makers. That really depends on them. They don't like having a lot of things scheduled, so they tend to be more list makers than anything. But a lot of perceivers aren't even list makers. They don't want to be hamstrung to a list. But yeah, I would say if you're choosing between scheduling and listing, they would list Communication skills In dbt, we talk about Dear man. Describe what's going on in specific objective terms. This helps the other person understand what you're talking about. When you're There's a difference between walking into somebody's room and going, this room is a disaster and walking out, because that doesn't tell the person anything. If you walk in and go, I asked you to clean your room. Your clothes are still on the floor. The bed is not made, you know, and there's an inch of dust on your bureau that's more specific. So it gives the person something they can work with to say, okay, I see your point, or I disagree. Express feelings and opinions using I statements. I am frustrated because I asked you 30 minutes ago to clean your room and it doesn't appear that there's any progress because the clothes are still on the floor. Instead of saying and that's opposed to saying, you're making me angry. No, I'm getting angry because of what's going on. I own that they're my feelings and I have the ability to choose how I react to this situation. A is assert. Ask for what you want and don't expect mind reading. So assert we'll stick with the room in this one. I need you to get your room cleaned before your friends come over this afternoon. That means getting the clothes off the floor, getting the bed made. When my children were little, I would clean their room and get it to the point where it was how I thought it should be to be considered, quote, clean. And I take a picture of it and we'd hang that picture up by the chore list so they could compare their room to that picture and figure out does this meet standards before they would even call me. Solved a lot of discussions there. Reinforce by explaining the benefits to the other person ahead of time. It will make me much less stressed. I will feel much less stressed when your friends come over, if you get your room clean before they come over. Because I don't like it when people come over and that house is a disaster. It explains what's going on, how it benefits that person, and how to move on. Mindfulness. Stay focused on your goal. Ignore diversion techniques, blaming, magnification, justification, or switching topics. When you're talking, you know, the person may say, well, but last week you did. We're not talking about last week. We'll get there in a minute. Right now, we're talking about now. Appear confident in verbal and nonverbal behavior and make sure to negotiate, offer, and ask for solutions. You know, if you say, I'm frustrated because I shouldn't have to be telling you every single week to clean your room, what can we do to help you remember to clean your room? Compromise and say no, but offer alternatives. If somebody asks you to do something you're not comfortable with for some reason, say no. You know, I can't help you this weekend. I'm sorry, but next weekend I'd be more than happy to help you unpack or clean your old house or whatever it is. Communication skills give gentle no attacks, threats, manipulation, judging, which includes should, shouldn't, moralizing, sneering, smirking, eye rolling, or name calling. That includes the communication skills with yourself. Too often our clients or people are really nasty to themselves. They call themselves names, they roll their eyes at themselves. Don't be the bully to yourself. You know, that's not cool if you've got a bully in your own head because you can't get away from them. And be interested. Listen. Pay attention to nonverbals, both yours and theirs, and encouraging clients to really start studying non verbals. You can role play a lot of this in group and, you know, sit in a particular way and say, what am I saying? You can play. What's that? Charades. That's one game that we do play when we do nonverbal behavior in order to get people used to identifying some of those nonverbal behaviors. Maintain eye contact at a level that's comfortable and culturally appropriate. Not all cultures are cool with direct eye contact between people, especially if there's an age or power differential. But maintain eye contact in a way that's appropriate and comfortable, and try to unhook from your emotions if you're interested. That means listen. Try to listen like a scientist instead of getting emotional about what's being said as it's being said, try to put your emotions aside. Let me just hear what you've got to say and then I'll take it in and figure out what I think about it. That's hard to do, but it's super helpful in communication when people can do it. Validate Pay attention to the person verbally and non verbally. Reflect back what they're saying. Pay attention to not only what's being said, but what's not being said. And I tell my children this all the time when we're watching the news or when we're talking to each other. You know, it's more common and it's human nature to say what you want people to hear and just selectively forget to tell them the stuff that you don't want them to hear. So pay attention to both what is and is not being said. Understand how the other person's reactions and thoughts make sense based on their past and present. If you put yourself in their shoes, how do their reactions make sense? It doesn't mean that you have to agree with them, but how does it make sense? Acknowledge the valid. Show equality, treating the other person as an equal, not as fragile, incompetent or domineering. And finally, E stands for easy manner. Be relaxed about it. You don't have to go in like a drill sergeant. Just be relaxed in your communications and things will go a lot more smoothly. When you're trying to find new relationships, look for people with similar interests and work on conversational skills. You can mentally rehearse asking open ended questions. One activity that I'll do occasionally just on the spur of the moment, I'll have people go around the room and I want everybody to give me one open ended question that you could use to start a conversation. And people may struggle for a second, but it gets them thinking on their toes. Identify two things you could make small talk about. Again, this is something you can just go around the room and say, you know Sam, give me two things that you could make small talk about right now. Teach people how to find common ground. The book. And again, I'm so bad about remembering authors, but the book how to Win Friends and Influence People is a good book for a lot of people to read to give them a foundation on interpersonal skills. Skillfully self disclose. That means don't open up the can of worms the minute you meet somebody. It's a give and take and helping people understand that you don't have to tell them your whole life story or every detail of what happened today in a conversation. Skillfully self disclose give them a little bit, let them give you something back and it's again a give and take so you know how much they want to hear and how much they want to share. Healthy relationships are vital to a healthy life. By becoming interpersonally effective, people can be better at getting their needs met and better at meeting the needs of others. The seven habits can serve as a reminder for important things to do to build healthy relationships. And by understanding temperament, people can better understand themselves and others and communicate and synergize in meaningful ways.