Time Out Trials and Tribulations: Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery Podcast

Welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. This podcast was created to provide you the information and tools Doc Snipes gives her clients so that you too can start living happier. Our website, Docsnipes.com has even more resources, videos and handouts, and even interactive sessions with Doc Snipes to help you apply what you learn. Go to Docsnipes.com to learn more. Hi everybody and welcome to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. Today we're going to be talking about timeout trials and tribulations. Now, most of us as parents have used timeout at one time or another, but sometimes timeout doesn't seem to go the way we want to. Either a child refuses to go or the timeout just doesn't seem to be being effective. So we're going to talk about some of those things to help you improve the effectiveness of your timeout episodes. So the first thing to do when you're working with a child and figuring out what's going on is to identify the function of the behavior. Sometimes kids don't want to stop doing something fun. They don't want to leave the playground. They don't want to stop watching TV so they'll ignore you. They may do something inappropriate because they're desiring attention, either because they don't feel they're getting enough or because they want to have some limits set. They may do something inappropriate because they don't understand the rules. They, you know, may not understand exactly what to do in this particular situation. This one can unfortunately be used to manipulate us because the child may go, well, I didn't know or I didn't understand what we want to make sure that children know the rules going into situations and they understand ahead of time. That way we don't get tripped up by this one. They may do things that seem oppositional out of fear. For example, a child may refuse to go to take a bath because he knows that after bath time it's time to go to bed. And he may have a fear that there are monsters under his bed. So he doesn't want to take a bath because he doesn't want to have to go into his room and face those monsters. Sometimes kids are just going to test limits. They may be trying to get the same privileges as older siblings. So if you have a six year old, they may resist going to bed if their 10 year old sibling gets to stay up an additional hour. They may also test limits, which can result in privilege creep, which is, you know, what I call it when they say, well, let me have 10 more minutes, just 10 more minutes. And before you know it, we're up to 8 o' clock from 7:30 or 8:30. And then the child goes, well, you let me stay up to 8:30 last night and the night before. So we want to make sure we don't let them have privilege. Creep. Sometimes kids behave inappropriately because they want to assert power and control. When children are little, they start to try to figure out, where are my limits, what control do I have over what I eat, what I do when I go to bed. And they're going to test those limits occasionally. And sometimes as they grow older, they're going to want to expand their limits. So they're going to push things a little bit. It's up to us to figure out where those boundaries are and be consistent. And they may just act inappropriately because they have lack of skills to control the behavior. Sometimes kids get overstimulated and they just, they don't know what to do with that energy or they don't know what to do with their emotions. They feel really angry or anxious or upset about something and they don't know how to say it, so they act out. So any of these things can lead a child to misbehave, if you will. So we want to look at the function of the behavior in order to figure out how to punish the behavior, if we're going to punish it, or how to teach from it. Because each one of these things is a teachable moment. If the child doesn't want to stop doing something fun. Okay, well, I understand that there are times I don't want to stop doing something fun, however it's necessary. So we want to help children learn that if they want attention, we need to help them figure out a better way to get attention and to get appropriate attention. We want to make sure they understand the rules. You know, sometimes we'll have to reiterate those. For example, when you go to grandma's house, maybe the rules are a little bit different than they are at your house. And yes, you can go over the rules before you go to grandma's house, but sometimes kids will forget. So we want to make sure that they remember. And just because they forget the rules when they're at grandma's house doesn't necessarily mean that they don't have to go to a timeout. You know, they may still have to experience the consequence. However, you know, we want to turn it into a teaching moment and let it go, you know, okay, you did something you weren't supposed to go to timeout, we'll talk about it and then we'll be done with it. If they're fearful, they're going to continue to act out even if you put them in timeout about that situation, we need to figure out what's causing that fear and address that. If we need to figure out how to address the monsters under the bed or the fear of going to the doctor or whatever the case may be when they're trying to test limits. Again, this is one of those things we need to be consistent about and it's important for us to explain to them why their 10 year old sibling may get different privileges than they do and help them understand a little bit more why the rules exist. Because I said so is not an acceptable response even to a small child. If you give them a reason, you know, they may not quite get it. But if you give them a reason, at least it gives them something to build off of. If they're trying to assert power and control, you can acknowledge the fact that they want to be more independent. However, you know, this is not what we're going to do. And finally, if they lack skills to control the behavior, if they get overstimulated sometimes after school, kids have been so good for so long. I mean, so six hours is a really long time for a six or seven year old. They kind of just let loose when they get home sometimes and they may get into fights with their siblings or do things they're not supposed to. And we want to understand what the function of that behavior is so we can redirect it. Alright. If we know that when Johnny comes home from school, he tends to be really wound up and is more likely to get in trouble, we want to help him understand that. Okay, I hear you had to keep it together all day long. Let's take 30 minutes and figure out something you can do to kind of let loose and get some of that energy out. Help him learn how to redirect. If it's because the child doesn't have the emotional vocabulary, okay, again, it's not appropriate to hit or bite or do those things. But we still need to give the child something else to do instead. If you're not going to hit or bite, which we don't want, then what are you going to do? What words do you need to use and how can you express yourself. Whenever you do anything with children? And time out. And we're going to talk about some different suggestions for time out. It's vital to keep your Cool. And not give in. So think about that little kid in the store who wants Cocoa Puffs and they're in the cereal aisle and you know, mom says, no, we're not going to get Cocoa Puffs. You're going to. That's too much sugar for you. You don't need that. So the child gets a little louder and says, but I want Cocoa Puffs. And mom says, no, you're not going to have Cocoa Puffs. And this goes on a couple more times. The child gets increasingly loud and increasingly demonstrative about what they want. But. And finally they're just like, I want Cocoa Puffs. Alright, so how did we get to this point? Well, children. Well, anybody actually not just children. We will exert effort until the reward is not worth the effort. So for a child, if they learn that once you say no, we're not going to get this, then throwing a temper tantrum isn't going to work. Then they're not going to go past that the first time. They may go past it, but once they learn that throwing a temper tantrum really doesn't get them their own way, when you say no, they'll understand that no means no and there's no way of changing their mind. An extinction Merced, is basically what I just said. When people or children recognize that if they push it, if they get louder, if they exert a little bit more effort, then they might get their own way, then they're going to continue to do that. We have to help children get through that period where they push it until it's just not worth the effort anymore and they realize, you know what, that was kind of a wasted issue. Timeout is about allowing children to get into their wise mind. It's about removing them from the stimulus for a second so they can get rid of the adrenaline or whatever it is that's going through their body and they can think a little bit more clearly. Timeout is when you're removing stimulation. You're removing them away from fun stuff, but also from anxiety provoking stuff so they can think. It's important not to give attention during the timeout. You don't want to keep going over there and talking to them or sitting with them or even looking in their direction as long as you know they're safe. Timeouts generally work best on young children who are oppositional and defiant and are hitting or biting or intentionally doing the opposite of what you ask. You know, again, we want to look at what's the function of the behavior. And a lot of times if they're intentionally doing the opposite of what you ask. They may be looking for attention or have you set boundaries and put some structure. If they are hitting or biting, sometimes it's to get attention and other times, again, they just don't have the emotional vocabulary or the social skills to communicate their needs effectively. So we want to look at that and figure out is there a skill deficit here that we need to remediate to keep this from happening again. Kids who are whining about eating vegetables or negotiating for more video time tend to respond better to other approaches. And yes, it can get annoying if little Johnny's sitting at the table and he's like, I don't want to eat my Brussels sprouts. I'm not going to eat my brussels sprouts. Well, young man, you're gonna sit at the table until you eat your Brussels sprouts. Then it ends up being a power struggle between the two of you. Very rarely, I think, do kids have to eat the brussels sprouts. In our household, one of the things I would do is negotiate. Alright, you need to have, you have to have a green vegetable. So if you're not wanting brussels sprouts, what green vegetable will you eat? So I'm getting my needs met to make sure that the child is getting their green vegetable and he was getting his needs met because he really hated brussels sprouts. Try using when then statements instead of if then which communicates a choice. So if you say if you brush your teeth and have your PJs on, then I'll read you a story. It sounds to the child like there's a choice there. When you say when you brush your teeth and have your PJs on, I will read you another story. There's no choice there. It's when you do it, then this will happen. But you are going to do it. Not if you do it, because if you do it says, you know, if you don't, then there's other options. When says there's no options. So try just changing your language a little bit and instead of saying, if you do this, then I'll do that. Say, when you do this, then I'll do that. Always process the issue with the child at the end of the timeout. If you're going through timeout, the phrase that you hear sometimes is strike when the iron is cold. This is because when the child is upset, they're not going to hear much about what you're saying. They need to get into their wise mind. They need to get the adrenaline out of their system just like we do. We understand and can process things more effectively when we're not all upset. So let them sit in timeout and get their emotions kind of under control. And then strike when the iron is cold and ask the child, why did you do that? Why did you back talk me? Why did you hit Sammy? Why did you whatever. Then talk about why is it important not to do that? And try to elicit. We want to do Socratic reasoning. We don't just want to tell the child these things. We want the child to come up with the answers. Why is it important to not hit? Or why is it important to follow the rules when I tell you to do something? If the child doesn't know, then you may need to ask further questions like how do you think it made Sammy feel when you took the ball from him? Or and if the child still doesn't know and is having difficulty taking Sammy's perspective, then go a step further and say, how would you feel if Sammy, if you were playing with the ball and Sammy came and took it from you? So help the child understand how he would feel and then help him project that onto how Sammy might have felt and then walk back to, okay, so if it made Sammy sad? Or why is it important not to steal balls from your friends? And finish up with, how can you avoid this problem in the future? You know, if Sammy's hogging the ball on the playground and you want to play with it, how can you ask him nicely? How can you share the ball? What can you do to avoid this problem? So help the child work through it. And it feels painstaking at first, but once the child gets used to this questioning, they're going to learn to do the reasoning on their own and it'll become much more expedient. As, you know, even a month into it, it becomes a lot easier and the child can articulate what happened. So alternatives to timeout or. Well, this isn't really an alternative to timeout, it is timeout. But if you've got a child who refuses to go in timeout and they are up to about five or six when they get older, not so much. You can pick them up and put them in timeout in a safe, non rewarding place. One of the biggest mistakes I see parents make is sending the child to their room for timeout. Well, in their room they have toys, they have books, they have their bed, it's comfortable. There's a lot of stuff in their room that can be rewarding. So it's not a really great Time out place. Even if they were watching a movie or something and you're separating from that, when they go to their room, they can find something else to do. So it's not going to have the same effect. We really want them to be able to remove themselves from stimulation so they can get into that wise mind, get out of their emotional turmoil. If the child will not stay in timeout, some therapists say it's okay to hold the door closed from the outside, and obviously you want to make sure the child is, is in a very safe place so they don't harm themselves. But this is one thing you can do while holding the door closed. It's essential that you remain calm and in control of yourself and the situation and occasionally remind the child with a calm voice. As soon as you sit quietly, I will start the timer. And the first couple of times you do this, if there's a child that's particularly oppositional, it may go on for 30 minutes or so. But once you've started, if you give in 15 minutes into it, then the next time you try to do it, the child is going to go to at least 15 minutes, if not more, because they know that they just have to wait you out. If you choose to do this method, it's vital that you are willing to see it all the way through to the end. If you're not, which a lot of parents are not comfortable with, holding a door shut and obviously don't ever lock it from the outside, that's not safe. You want to stay on the outside of the door to make sure you can hear what's going on, etc. Another thing is to take away something of value, such as a privilege or a toy, and make sure the child knows the rules and consequences ahead of time. So you don't want to just have them out on the, on the playground and they misbehave and all of a sudden you're taking away something and they're like, whoa, I didn't know I was going to lose that. You want to make sure they know. As adults, we know if we misbehave and we break the law, we know what the consequences could be. You want to make sure that children know what the consequences could be. Do everything you can except to argue and get angry to convince the child that serving five minutes in timeout is better than losing a privilege. So, for example, being in timeout for five minutes is a whole lot better than, than losing your iPad or your bike or whatever it is that's important to the child and A lot of times the child will see the rationale behind that. If you do have to lock it up, you know, let's take an iPad, for example. For children under 9, keep it in timeout until the next day. 24 hours or 16 hours is a really long time for children of this age. So the next day you're going to want to go through this process we talked about and process why did you do that? Why is it important not to do that? And how can you avoid this, a problem in the future? Older children, you can keep whatever it is, the bike, the iPad, the remote control to the video games, for up to a week. Children that are older can tolerate longer periods without it and understand it, but it's important to not shorten lengthy punishments if the child's behavior improves. So if you know that, you know, maybe Tommy's behavior is going to improve in two or three days, and you hate holding it in timeout for the rest of the week when he starts doing the right thing, then initially make the timeout period shorter. So what I suggest parents do is try shorter periods at first. First try until the next day, and if that doesn't have a lasting effect, try two days. And if that doesn't have a lasting effect, try three days. Ideally, we want to get to the point where when the child's behavior starts improving and is consistently improving, then they're getting their toy or privilege back. So why not lock up the toy from the beginning and just forget time out altogether? Time out is something that is short and easy to administer, and it's something that makes punishment easier for you in the long run. You can't. If you're in the grocery store and Johnny misbehaves, it doesn't have the same impact to say, well, when we get home, I'm taking away your iPad for a week. As it does, if you take Johnny and take him outside and he has to sit outside for five minutes before you leave the store, that's more immediate and more punishing to the child when you do it right then. Plus, if you take away too many privileges, the child may become discouraged and give up trying to behave altogether. And they'll start learning creative ways to get around whatever. If you've taken away all their toys, they're going to come up with an imaginary friend and they will find ways around it because children are really creative. So we want to have timeout available to us as an easy alternative or as an easy punishment for them. And again, remember, timeout is a time for them to sit and Think for a second and to get a clear head so we can process what happened. Another thing that you can do with children is remind them of the rules beforehand and then let them experience logical consequences. And it's important when you do logical consequences to implement the consequence. When the behavior happens, don't tell them, well, next time you wander off from the playground, then we're going to go home before you break at the playground. You know, when I would take my children to the playground, we would find a place to sit and I would go over the rules with them really quick. And then if they misbehaved, then it was time to go. There was no okay, you wandered away too far. You know, we talked about that as soon as we got here. So the next time you do it, no, then the child learns again that they can push it. They're going to get at least one warning, if not two or three. So it's important to provide logical consequences as soon as whatever it is happens. If a child misbehaves or wanders away from the play area, those are examples of times when that behavior, being in the play date, may need to stop. So logical consequences tries to help the child see that there are going to be consequences for what they do have a warning system. So before they get way out there in left field, if you're on the playground, when Johnny starts getting towards the edge of the boundaries, say Johnny, you're wandering too far away, that's one. And then if he gets over there again, that's two. It's possible. Now remember, though, you've got to be consistent. You're either going to give them a 1, 2, 3 warning or you're going to immediately take them away as soon as they have their first infraction. If you mix it up, and sometimes you give them a warning and other times you don't, it's going to be really confusing to the child. When you're at home, you can have a chart on the refrigerator, have three smiley faces on a whiteboard. If the child misbehaves, you can have them wipe off one smiley face each time they misbehave. When they get down to zero smiley faces, then they're going to lose a privilege that helps them understand what's going on, and it covers a range of things. So if they're having a particularly bad day and they're doing different things to misbehave, it adds up. It's additive. So if, you know, for example, they get up in the morning and they refuse to eat breakfast, then you can Wipe one smiley face off, and then if it's time for nap time and they refuse to lay down, have them wipe another smiley face off. And then maybe they refuse to put up their toys. Well, that's the third smiley face. All right, we've had a really bad day today. So have the child experience a consequence after that? Generally, timeout is not effective at this point. You know, they've had three misbehaviors. Generally, taking away a privilege or a toy of some sort is much more effective. An alternative to the three smiley faces is the stoplight system. A lot of schools use this. They start the day out on green, and the first misbehavior, they go to yellow. The second misbehavior, they go to red. And if they misbehave after that, then they go to the principal's office. In this case, again, if they get too read and misbehave at home, then they experience a consequence. Reward good behavior. This is important. We don't want to always be just punishing behavior because then the child is going to be saying, well, what can I do? Right? We want to reward good behavior because children are going to do what gets them rewards and positive attention. So. Or what gets them attention. And we want them to do things that get them positive attention, so things that you can do. If for a child that's between like three and seven, if the child follows the rules all day, then he or she can choose a reward from the reward bucket and you can use a. What's it called? A Halloween candy bucket, or you can just use a dish and it has different cards in it. For children this young, a lot of times it's pictures, not words, and they can choose one of the cards out of the reward bucket for something that they want. And ideally, make it something that's interactive with the family, but not necessarily so that rewards their good behavior. If the child is older than seven, then they can wait to get their rewards until the end of the week. They can build on their stars each day and feel a sense of accomplishment and then get a bigger reward at the end of the week. But it's important that every time we punish a behavior, every time we try to eliminate a response, whether it's biting or hitting or talking back or whatever it is, we have to put something else in its place. We have to give them a positive, alternative behavior in order to help them develop the ability to cope with life on life's terms. If you like this podcast, please subscribe on your favorite podcast player. You can join our facebook group@docsnipes.com facebook or you can join us in our community@docsnipes.com thanks for tuning in to Happiness Isn't Brain Surgery with Doc Snipes. Our mission is to make practical tools for living the happiest life affordable and accessible to everyone. We record the podcast during a Facebook Live broadcast each week. Join us free@docsnipes.com Facebook or subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast player. 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