Tips for Improving Relationships

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone. I'd like to welcome you to today's presentation on relationship skills. This is going to be a more in depth presentation of one that we did. I think it's been about two weeks now that I had kind of condensed stuff, but when I did that presentation, I really realized that there was a lot more that could have been said that could have been gone over. And I felt like we really didn't go into enough depth on some things. So we're doing this again, and hopefully we will be able to cover some more ground. What we're going to cover today is building empathy. One of the things that a lot of our clients have difficulty with, understanding the difference between sympathy and empathy, and also just developing empathy. We are so concerned about responding to what other people say, about defending against what other people say. A lot of times we don't take time to kind of get into their space, not physically, of course, but try to get into their headspace and understand where they're coming from and why they may be reacting a certain way. We'll talk about some of the tips for overcoming the most common communication barriers. This is something that I go over a lot. It doesn't matter whether it's couples counseling or whether it's parenting, parent, child, or whether it's just a single person that's in there talking to me and saying they're having difficulty getting along with people or people don't understand them. So we'll talk about some of the common communication barriers. We'll talk about tips for fair fighting or discussing. As I like to say, hopefully it doesn't get to the point where it's that heated. And then we'll go on to sweetening relationships, developing closer relationships, how to help people learn how to compromise. It's something we don't do a lot. And, you know, y' all know I'm fond of dbt, so we're talking about enhancing interpersonal effectiveness. On compromise. We'll talk about getting your own needs met, giving emotional support, and being more thoughtful. One of the most glaring issues that I find when I'm working with people is that they assume that everybody else reacts the way they react, everybody else wants feedback the way they want it, or everybody else experiences empathy and emotional support the same way they do, and it's not really the case. We are very different individuals. And leading into the next, I think, six episodes in the series, we want to focus on or help people learn about individual differences, including temperament. One of the things that people get hung up On a lot is the fact that, you know, my partner does it this way and I want to do it this way. And instead of fighting about, trying to pull and see who wins, finding that compromise in the middle, or understanding that you both have complementary skills and traits. Extroverts tend to be they like to be around more people. They draw energy from people. Being around people is exciting. And they also tend to not mind interruptions and they talk their problems out. You know, they may talk their problems out with themselves, but they talk problems out and they figure things out while they're talking. Introverts, on the other hand, tend to feel drained when they're around other people. They're very in tune with what's going on inside them, but not as much about what's going on around them. So if you have an extrovert who's more in tune with what's going on around them, they're very sensitive to what's going on. And the introvert not so much. So you can imagine how these two people in a relationship might have some problems because the introvert knows what's going on with him or her, but may not be as in tune with to his or her partner. And the partner takes that as meaning being uncaring. Introverts also tend to like to think and have some quiet time to consolidate their thoughts, solve problems, and then talk about it. You know, I'm very much an extrovert. My husband's very much an introvert. So when we first got together, you know, I would feel disappointed and, you know, hurt when he would, you know, have a bad day or something and then just go out and sit on the porch for a little while instead of talking it out with me. Then I came to realize that talking it out is my process. His process is sitting down, consolidating it, figuring out what's going on, and then coming to share. I mean, he eventually would share, but I learned that he needed his space in order to kind of get regrounded again. So helping people understand that just because somebody acts a little bit differently when they're stressed, let's look at how that's their process instead of necessarily assuming that they're being rejecting of you. Sensing versus Intuitive. And I'm really not sure where they came up with these labels, but we're going to stick with them. They're Myers, Briggs Kirsi temperament sorter terms. And it's easy to find a lot of information on these, so we'll stick with them. Sensing versus intuitive really talks about how people View the world and sensing people tend to focus more on details. Intuitive people are more big picture, broad strokes, big dreamer type of person. I love writing grants. I love doing, you know, creating programs and I even actually kind of like writing manuals. Actually, I really love writing writing manuals, but that's beside the point. Manuals, even when you look at standard operating procedures, those are general rules. They need to be applied to day to day things. But the day to day stuff, I tend to miss little things. When I write grants, I can do the overarching research, I can create the concept, but then having somebody proofread it and go back and go, okay, we need to have this detail here or this detail here, really important to me. And I know that's not my strength. So it was really good. Where I used to work, when we would work on grants, I would write the brunt of the grant. I would pass it off to my co writer who would look for the details because she was very detail oriented. But she would see the grant and her eyes would kind of cross going, I don't know how to spend $250,000. I'm like, oh, I do. Let me have it. The same thing is true in relationships. The intuitive person sees the big picture. When we go on vacation, I want to do these things and have a lot of fun. The detail person is trying to make the schedule and figure out how to make it happen and look at, you know, all the possibilities. Well, if it rains, then we need to have a backup plan. So it's important that they understand how to appreciate each other's strengths, or if you want to call them idiosyncrasies, but their temperament, that's just who they are. Understanding that, you know, the detail person is probably going to be the one that's better and enjoys balancing the budget and doing the bill paying and all that stuff. Whereas the big picture person will probably have other roles that they play in keeping a household up and running. Thinking versus feeling 60% and so, you know, two thirds, it's not a huge majority, but it is a majority. 60% of men tend to be thinkers. They view things as a true through a true false lens. Is it true or is it false? They think of terms like justice and they want to fix things. Think about when relationships you've been in with a thinker, whether it's been a male or a female. And this person, when a problem comes up, when you're having a problem, they want to fix it. Feeling people, we tend to react a lot more emotionally and you know, you might find a correlation. I don't know that any studies have been done between people with a propensity for more emotional reactivity and. And feeling people. We don't feel things any less. But the thinking people kind of, they feel it differently. It makes them more driven to solve the problem. When I get upset, I'm a feeler. You know, I'll admit it. When I get upset, I want somebody just to acknowledge that I'm upset. I can fix it on my own. Very well, thank you very much. This is another area where we see a lot of couples having problems because you may have a thinker and a feeler, and the feeler feels like they are being disempowered when the thinker just steps in and tries to fix it and the feeler is going, I just wanted you to acknowledge that I was angry or I was upset about this. I can still fix it. I just needed that emotional connection. The thinker is more practical. The feeler looks at things in terms of good and bad and what's going to make people happy. This is sort of ethics versus law, if you want to think of it in terms of our professional approaches. And, you know, there's a combination of both in everybody. But there are also a lot of people, thinkers who aren't just comfortable with feeling words, you know, but they will use verb phrases like, it felt like I was kicked in the gut. It was exhausting. And that's kind of an emotional word. When I work with law enforcement, a lot of people in law enforcement, men and women, tend to be more on the thinking side and tend to think talk in terms of a situation and their reactions. One of the things I usually joke about when I do a seminar with emergency responders is the one thing we won't do in this seminar is say the F word. And they all kind of look at me quizzically and I'm like, feelings, y', all, feelings. And they're like, oh, that was funny. I don't make really good jokes. I can't usually even remember jokes from beginning to end. So that is as good as I'm going to do. But it breaks the ice because, you know, I go in there being a mental health professional, and they expect just assuming that we're going to start talking about feelings and what makes them stressed and, you know, yeah, we're going to talk about it, but we're not going to divulge a bunch of that stuff if it makes them feel uncomfortable. So encouraging people to talk about the way they react to things and mimic each other's verbiage will help people communicate a lot better on this lep, on this dimension, which is really kind of your empathy dimension. When my husband has a problem, instead of spending a lot of time on empathy with his feelings and going, that's really got to be very distressing to you, yada, yada, yada, I say, okay, you know, I hear that this is really prominent for you right now. What is it that we need to do to fix it? And again, he's very capable of fixing it himself. But we're brainstorming, and this is how he deals with issues. This is how he deals with turmoil in the beginning of his process. Judging structure versus spontaneity. I am the epitome. Well, I've loosened up a lot, but I used to be the epitome of structure. I like to plan things out. Every morning. I am at the gym at 10 after 7 like clockwork. And if my schedule gets off, it kind of throws me a little wonky. Since I had kids, I've gotten a lot more flexible. And, you know, things happen when you have children. But I still really like to have structure. I like to know what I'm doing from moment to moment, from day to day. Chuck, on the other hand, is much more perceiving, much more spontaneous. He'll get up in the morning and he'll go, you know what? I'd like to go fly this evening. And I'm like, but you hadn't scheduled that in. How can you do that? But that's how he operates. He doesn't need to have every minute planned out. Nothing's wrong with either one. So how do you make the two live in harmony? Well, we've kind of worked it out for ourselves, and this is going to be different for everybody. He knows I need structure. I know he needs a little bit of wiggle room. So we'll set aside certain days that are just family activity days where I know the whole day is going to be, you know, kind of up in the air and loosey goosey. But I can plan for that. I can plan for the loosey goosey, which makes me happy. So asking people, how much structure do you need? And asking this person who needs spontaneity, how much wiggle room do you need? This goes with getting chores and things done, too. When you're working with parents who have small children at home or, you know, even couples, there are things that need to be done. So is it something that you want to do on a day to day basis. These are the six things that have to be done today. Or do you want to make sort of a weekly to do list? You know, at some point this week we need to pay the bills and go grocery shopping and do these other things. How is it going to work for those people? So encouraging people to understand what their own needs are in terms of social interaction, quiet time, details versus creativity, flexibility, emotional kind of support and empathy versus problem solving support and empathy. And how much structure do they need? So there's a ton of stuff that can be addressed and there's also a ton of stuff that can cause problems in relationships. When you have people who are different. Oh my gosh, different. The wonderful thing is that people can learn to balance their own unique tendencies and use someone else's strengths versus whatever. So this is one thing we're going to talk about, like I said, in coming weeks, but understanding temperament. You can go to kircy.com, read more about the different temperaments. There's also a book, it's called Effective Teaching, Effective Learning, and it's written by two sisters. And I can't remember their names right now, but it's a really old book. I've used it for many, many years in teaching some of my different classes. You can get it for like 2 bucks off Amazon. If you believe in temperament and that there are things that are different between people with different temperaments. The Effective Teaching Effective Learning is really an awesome tool as clinicians because it helps us hone in on how can we communicate this information more effectively to our clients in a way that's meaningful to them because their temperament is different, how can we structure our groups? And likewise, how can we help people communicate better with one another? The other issue we'll talk about is the expression of love or the expression of feelings for one another. There are, according to Gary Chapman, five love languages. And you know, we'll stay with that because seems to fit pretty well. Really good book. Receiving gifts is one. So asking people or even paying attention to, what is it that makes their eyes light up? In what way can you effectively communicate to them how you feel about them? Because a lot of people have different love languages. So if acts of service is your love language, so if somebody does something like cleans the house for you or whatever, and it means a lot to you and you do that for them, but that's not their love language. They're not going to receive it in the same way because that's not their love language. They'll be appreciative hopefully, but it's not as meaningful. So you want to find out what is it that is this person's love language and what is mine? Because it's important to communicate what your love languages are instead of trying to make somebody guess or read your mind. So receiving gifts. And it doesn't have to be, you know, huge gifts. It can be little notes. It can be handpicked flowers. It doesn't have to be something really expensive. But sometimes the. Oh, thank you for that link for the Fairhurst book. Sometimes people just need gifts. And my daughter will. And I guess it kind of goes under words of affirmation. We'll get to that in a minute. Quality time. Now, the first caveat here is to define what quality time means to that person. You know, does that mean sitting on the couch and going on a Netflix binge, or does that mean going on vacation together or candlelight dinner? What does quality time look like and what makes it quality as opposed to just time? Words of affirmation, saying nice things, giving people compliments, and giving people encouragement. I remember when I was studying for my NCMHCE and getting ready to go take that, my daughter, who at the time was seven, would put little notes on my pillow and on my study materials. You got this, mom. It was just, it was so adorable because, well, I'm not that way. I am not one who tends to. Without actually making a concerted effort to put a lot of notes around and, you know, kudos and stuff. But I learned from her that day and that during that period that that does mean a lot to her. So I've tried to start doing that for her. A lot of times. We can learn about people's love languages by the way they try to express their feelings to you. Acts of service and devotion. So what do people do to try to be kind to you, to try to help you out? And physical touch, it can be a hug. It can be, you know, sitting on the couch together, snuggling. It can be a whole different range of things. But sometimes physical touch is one of the love languages. Back massages, those are good. So common communication barriers. You've gotten to the point where you've helped people start understanding that they may be kind of different in terms of their temperament and they may have different love languages. So how do we effectively communicate our feelings for one another in actions, not just words. Gotten there. But then we still have communication barriers. One of them is over explaining if somebody asks a question or asks you to do something and you explain it ad nauseam, it can get to the point where it feels condescending. So make sure you're not over explaining stuff. I have to be careful with my kids sometimes when, when I'm letting them cook dinner, when I'm letting them do something not to be over controlling and over explain exactly what they need to do, you know, let them try it out, let them, you know, ask me if they have questions. But I do want to empower them to take, take on responsibility themselves. Being vague now, this is true for parent, child, adults, friends, romantic relationships. If you say I'll pick you up this afternoon. Now me being a judger, structured, if somebody says I'll pick you up this afternoon, it kind of gives me a nervous tick. I'm like, okay, does that mean 2? Does that mean 2? 15, does that mean 5 o'? Clock? What does this afternoon mean? And if the response is well, I'll call you and give you an idea about when I'll be there, you know, around lunchtime, like, oh, so what time's lunch? Being more specific so there's no misunderstandings. If I tell my kids, you need to be ready to go somewhere this afternoon, to my son that may mean four o'. Clock. To my daughter that means noon. Being specific. If you tell somebody something critical, you know, obviously, because it's probably going to create more misunderstandings if it's critical. Like you're so insensitive. Well, I can't do anything with that because I don't know exactly what am I doing that makes you feel that I'm being insensitive? You're a slob. You are lazy. You know, there are all kinds of derogatory general terms that don't help people. So when that's brought in into counseling, I say, all right, tell me exactly what is it that you see that leads you to this, to this description? Or what is it that you want to see change? Because you're a slob, you need to not be a slob. You know, everybody sees things differently. Think if you've got teenagers or even small children at home, what they may think is a clean room, probably really different than what you think is a clean room. So being very specific about observable behaviors, because I can address observable behaviors and choose to change them or not. However, I can't address something that's vague, that I don't know exactly what it is that you're pointing out. Another common misunderstanding is quality time. And I already talked about this a little bit. What does quality time mean to you? What does quality time mean to the other person. And then what's the happy medium that we can find? Mind reading. And assuming you always want. You always want me to do this. So I did it. And the other person going, when in the world did I ever want that? You've always assumed that that's what I wanted. So being clear about what you want and being clear and owning your perceptions of what's going on is really important. Distractions. People are trying to have a discussion, even if it's not, quote, quality time. And you're constantly checking your phone trying to see what's going on. TV's on and you periodically look up to make sure you're keeping up with the show. That's a communication barrier because you're not hearing everything that's being said and you're also not seeing all the nonverbals. You driven language is another barrier. You make me do this. You did this. When you do this, da da da da. Instead of saying I feel. So starting out with I driven language, I feel da da da. When you do this, it owns what's going on instead of putting the other person on the defensive. Now, there are times to you use you driven language. Like, you seem kind of down today. Okay, that's not going to put them on the offensive. But if you're being critical, even if you think you're being constructively critical, if you start out with you, it does feel like somebody's jabbing a finger right at you. You did this. So encourage people to start with I feel blank when or it seems to me owning whatever it is before they go into any sort of observations that could be construed as critical. It takes practice. It really does take practice. But the good news is people generally get the hang of it and it does help ease tensions quite a bit. Universal statements. You always. And there's that. You again, always, never. So we want to look for exceptions and we want to avoid always, never, yada yada, because we're human. Very few things does anyone do always. Never. Every time. So sticking with the. I feel frustrated because it seems like you frequently leave your underwear on the floor. That's, you know, less attacking than you always leave your underwear on the floor. And it's just so frustrating. Very different. Partly because it takes a lot more words and you can say it more diplomatically. I think blaming, yeah, this is. It goes back to this. You driven language. You did this. When we blame people for everything that happened or even something that happened without owning our part in it, it's your fault that we're losing the house. It's your fault that we fight all the time. It's your fault. Or you make me. Pointing out some cognitive issues with can anybody make you do anything? Is one. But also identifying that it takes two to tango. So what was your part in this? When I worked in residential the first couple years as a supervisor, you know, if you've worked in a facility, you know, they have grievance procedures. And occasionally I would do things that would upset clients for whatever reason, and they would send a grievance to my boss and, you know, or it was my staff, but either way, and I would get called into his office and, you know, I find out what was going on, and instead of asking me what's going on with the clients that your staff needed to do this or, you know, whatever. His first statement, always, and pretty much always, at least, was, what did your staff do to bring this on? And the first few times he said that, I got kind of defensive and I said, excuse me. And he would point out, you know, it takes two to tango. So clearly there was something going on that could have been handled differently in order to avoid this, even if we needed the same outcome. So I'll ask again, what did your staff do to cause this grievance? So looking at responsibility, looking at each person's parts, and it may have been a nonverbal, it may have been something they said or it may have been something they didn't say, but let's figure it. Figure out what's going on, followed by only noting the negative. In some relationships, the only time somebody says something is if there's something wrong. If you've had a boss like this, hopefully you haven't been in a. In a personal relationship like this, but sometimes bosses are like this. The only time they say anything to you is when it's negative. If you get called to their office, you know, there's a problem. Making sure, especially in personal relationships, that, yes, there is time for places for constructive feedback, but it's also important to identify the good stuff and not just the, wow, oh my gosh, good stuff, but the occasional, you know, thanks for doing the dishes today, good stuff, or I appreciate the fact that you swiffered this afternoon. So trying to be at least as frequent with the positive comments as the negative, preferably twice as frequent with positive than negative. Ineffective communication and fair fighting, if you will. One person talks and the other person listens and only listens. This is not listening and trying to formulate a response and. Or listening and having this Conversation in the back of your head is actually listening, which takes a lot of practice in itself. Generally stay seated. If it's an important adult conversation. A lot of times you're seated, so try to stay seated, because as soon as one person stands up, the other person is going to stand up. And then it often escalates, especially if it's standing up and facing each other. The only exception to this is if you say, you know what? We need to have a talk. Let's go on a walk. And then you're walking, and you're not eye to eye in this power position. So try to keep it at a unthreatening level. The talker, during this, owns their feelings, desires, and opinions, starting with those I statements I feel. It seems to me they use objective, observable terms. Instead of saying, it seems to me that you've just turned into a lazy slob lately, that's not helpful. I can't do anything about that because I don't know what behaviors. So using objective, observable terms and sticking to one thing at a time, this is not the time to just, like, vomit a litany of done me wrongs. You can have the litany, but we need to stay one thing at a time. Ideally, you deal with things as they come up, which hopefully people start to learn in counseling that it's not healthy to stuff a bunch of stuff down because eventually it comes back up, and it's important to handle things as they happen so you don't have this whole litany of done me wrongs. Okay? So that's what the talker's doing. The listener, when the talker is finished, paraphrases what they heard. So what I'm hearing you say is, blah, blah, blah. And when people are first starting to learn this technique, I actually encourage them to use that phrase, even if it feels a little stilted. What I'm hearing you say is the talker either says, that's exactly what I said, or you're still not hearing me. And if the. If the talker still hasn't been understood, then he or she explains a little bit more, and they keep going back and forth until the listener understands fully what the talker was saying, and then he or she can respond with whatever they need to respond, and then the roles reverse. So it's important to, again, handle one thing at a time, be objective, and verify accuracy. Because a lot of times, even if you're having a discussion, the listener may have their own opinions, may have their own biases that are coloring how they're hearing it or affecting how they're hearing it. So the first couple times they hear it, it may not be 100% on point. So we need to make sure they're communicating effectively. All right, so now we've handled all the hiccups and bumps in the road. Let's talk about the good stuff. If you have clients that are hiccuping, yes, they need to deal with that, but at the same time, let's add some positive stuff. We want to eliminate the negative, but we need to add some more positive. We need to make them remember why it's worth the effort. Love is a combination of emotions and actions, including talking, compassion and trust. So some things that are suggested, rewriting your vows or promises, having a recommitment ceremony, or imagining what it would be like if your partner were gone. And this last one is more effective if you do it when your partner's on a road trip or you're on a road trip and you're actually separated. And then not having contact with that person for 24 or 48 hours. Make sure they know what you're doing before you do this. But it gives you an idea about how intertwined the two of you are. And generally by the end of that period of time, you'll have some insights as to all the good stuff that you miss. When you're not communicating, communicate to your partner in his or her love language in order to help that person feel more valued. Make an effort. Write down a list of things your partner could do that would make you feel loved or happy and exchange them. Don't rely on mind reading. Don't even rely on, well, he knows my love language is gift. So what's happening? Well, what gifts exactly? What is it that you're looking for? Or my love language is acts of devotion. So I'm sitting here and nobody's doing any devoting. Be specific. Again, those are pretty general terms, so make a list. We do this throughout the year. We keep running lists of things that each other and our kids say, oh, I would love to have that. So when it comes to birthdays and holidays, I don't have to guess and go, oh, I wonder what it like, I have a list and I keep a list of things that I want. And they all keep lists of things they want so we can exchange them. Takes out the mind reading and then we can choose from there and maybe expand upon it, Remember. Or get Google or Siri or somebody to remind you of birthdays, anniversaries, or even just happy occasions. So you can celebrate. And a happy occasion could be, it was a sunny day today. You know, sometimes it's worth the effort to say, you know what? We haven't gone out in a while, and it was a good day today. Let's go out. So you're sharing and really kind of riding that wave of happiness. If you have a disagreement, take a step back and try to see it from your partner's point of view. And this kind of goes into that whole empathy thing. What is it that they're seeing? Even if you think it's wrong, try to get into their head so you can understand where they're coming from, because you'll be able to undo or explain any misunderstandings, clarify any misunderstandings if you can kind of get in their head and figure out, oh, okay, the reason you're doing this is because you thought it's what I wanted. So going back and going, yeah, no, not really. Don't let fear of being vulnerable or abandonment undermine you. A lot of times people keep those walls up because they're afraid that the relationship is going to end or they're afraid that they're going to be vulnerable and they'll be ridiculed. There's a whole lot of reasons that they may fear being vulnerable. But in an intimate relationship, whether it's, you know, intimate significant others, or, you know, best friends, we need to be able to share hopes and dreams and fears and feel comfortable that the other person is going to be respectful of us. If becoming vulnerable makes you also become critical and defensive, that's on you. You need to identify and work through the reasons you become defensive. And if you've worked with clients who've become vulnerable and it's almost like they're like, oh, I didn't mean to say that, and then all of a sudden, they become very defensive about anything you say. You know, we want to work through. Why is it that being vulnerable makes you so scared and you're trying to push me away now think back to hopes and dreams you shared when you were dating and make it happen. Maybe you thought about hiking the Appalachian Trail together or going on a cruise around the world, or, you know, it may not be something you can make happen tomorrow, but actually make a plan so you can start saving for it or whatever you need to do and make it happen regularly. I should have put that word in here. Regularly. Remind your partner of the qualities you love about them, and you don't have to do it all mushy. The qualities I love about you are. But you can do it in a complimentary way by saying something like, you know, you are wicked awesome when it comes to home improvement projects or whatever it is. Think about if somebody said that to you, you'd be like, thanks, it would make your day. So sweeten the relationship means making it a relationship where you have more of those moments where you get this spontaneous smile and you're just like, cool. Build empathy. Empathy versus sympathy. Put yourself in their shoes with their experiences as best as you can. You know, if you're in an intimate relationship with someone, you have a good idea about kind of where they're coming from, experience wise, which may be very different from where you come from. So try to put yourself in their shoes and go, okay, if I came from this background, how would I view this situation? Identify three alternate reasons. Your partner may be feeling or acting the way he or she is. So if they seem to be being hostile and aggressive, or you know, they're over sitting in the chair and they seem to be just being grumpy and irritable and cantankerous, well, maybe they are. But if you're assuming it's because of something you did, you may not be right. So let's think about three alternate reasons. They may be feeling that way because theoretically you've got a kind of an idea about what's going on with him or her. And then you can open a discussion in a less defensive way. Instead of opening it with what did I do wrong? Now you can open it with something like, you seem like you're really stressed out or you're really frustrated right now. I'm wondering if you want to talk about it. A lot of times if people feel like their partner is upset because of something they did, they don't want to open that door and say, do you want to talk about it? Because they don't want to hear. So thinking about alternate reasons, because a lot of times it probably doesn't have to do with you think when you're trying to develop empathy. If your child was going through this situation, how would you feel? So try to put yourself in a situation. If your child was being grumpy and cantankerous, would you be defensive and grumpy and aggressive? Right back and go, you are always in a bad mood. What did I do this time? Or would you sit them down and go, hey buddy, what's going on? Hopefully it's the second. Remember that what you would want in need is not necessarily what your partner wants and needs. Going back to that temperament. Not everybody needs somebody to help Them brainstorm solutions. Sometimes they just need somebody to go, that day really sucked, didn't it? And you're like, oh my gosh, you have no idea. And then you can move on. Because people in general are very adept at solving their own problems. But empathy means you're letting your partner know that you get it. And you know, how you let them know you get it depends on their temperament and your communication. Allow yourself to listen as if your only job is to understand. This is more than when you're just fighting or disagreeing or whatever you want to call it. You want to do it without preconceptions, knowing that you know nothing, you know, just kind of step out and go, I am just a random person. I don't know anything about what's gone into this because that takes all those preconceived notions out. And I just want to hear, I'm a blank slate. Try to be free from trying to create consistency between your feelings and perceptions and your partner's feelings and perceptions. Like I said before, if your partner's in a bad mood and you assume it's about you, then what are you going to hear when they talk? You're probably going to hear things that support your theory. So encouraging people to try to listen with the only intent being to understand. An exercise that you can do is to try to help you develop empathy. Is first to develop empathy for yourself. Kind of mindfulness, kind of self awareness. Think of a difficult time that you experienced and answer all of these questions. What was your perception of what happened? What's troubling about what happened? What were the emotions that you felt at the time of the occurrence? What are the emotions that you're expressing right now? What are you feeling right now? And what do you need right now? And what do you need from yourself? Because you're doing this activity by yourself and you'll get a better idea of what you need in certain situations. In order to really understand empathy, you need to be able to be in touch with yourself and be able to be self empathetic, if you will. Then you want to move over and say, when your partner is relaying a difficult experience, listen and be able to understand. Ask these same questions. What was his or her perception of the occurrence? Whatever happened at work today, or you know, what was troubling to them about this occurrence? What were the emotions or reactions that he or she had at the time of the occurrence? So you're kind of getting an idea, you're trying to put yourself in that scenario. What emotions or reactions are being expressed in this moment. So looking at your partner, reading the non verbals, listening to the words that are being said, are they distressed? Are they just venting what's going on and what does this person need from you right now? And often it's just to be empathetic. And like I said earlier, people who tend to be more problem solvers, more thinkers, empathy may mean kind of helping them consolidate their process and think about how to fix the situation or what the right thing to do is in this situation. If you're more on the feeling side, it may be identifying what you're feeling at this point and just helping the person kind of talk through their emotions and feel validated. These things can also be practiced in group or at home using media clips of people arguing. It's kind of easy to find, unfortunately, if you go to soap operas, if you go to. We used to use like Jerry Springer and some of those talk shows when I when I would teach at the university because those were readily available. But pay attention when you watch different TV shows or when you watch different movies for segments you might be able to pull out. To help teach empathy, to help teach reading non verbals and interpreting what's going on. Tips for a Closer Relationship Use relationships to teach you how to be whole and not require another person to complete you. My analogy that I always use is sugar cookies and chocolate chips. Sugar cookies by themselves? Amazing. Chocolate chips by themselves. Amazing. You can eat either one by themselves. They are complete desserts. You put them together, you get something that is amazing but different. And that's what we really want in relationships. We don't want people to be flour and eggs. They have to have each other in order to exist and make a cookie. We want people to be whole in and of themselves. See and accept your partner for who he or she really is. We all have faults and foibles and bad days and stuff, but we all have good things too. Sometimes it's helpful to make a list of all the good things that your partner brings to the table. And also, you know, be aware of the fact that that person's not perfect. Be willing to learn from each other and compromise. Get comfortable being alone to address abandonment issues. So, you know, even if you think you are the perfect sugar cookie, but whenever your partner leaves, you start feeling like you're gonna crumble to pieces. You want to look and go, what's going on? Why am I uncomfortable being alone? Why am I uncomfortable being with myself? Develop awareness of why you fight your stuff, his stuff, or y'. All stuff. I'm from the south, so I can say y', all, but sometimes you fight. Sometimes couples fight because one person feels insecure and defensive a lot more than the other one does. Sometimes you fight because of other reasons. And it could be one partner is less secure in the relationship or less effective at communication, or it could be that the two of you are different and having difficulty communication. Communicating as a couple, you, you both get along really well with other people, but the two of you together, at least right now, are like oil and water. And generally that happens over a period of time of disagreements and kind of separating intellectually from each other and emotionally from each other, which makes y' all stuff. It's stuff that you've created as a couple that needs to be handled. Own who you are. You know, you can't be. The first six months of a relationship, people tend to put on that best, best scenario and then reality starts coming out. But own who you are, whether you do that first six months or not, eventually you're going to have to accept each other as you are. And, you know, think of yourself first thing in the morning if you've got curlers in your hair and cold cream on your face and your partner is going to see that eventually. But own it and just be like, well, I do all this so then I can look like this later, or whatever the case may be. But we're not going to look like Christie Brinkley 24 7. We are not going to act like Mother Teresa 24 7. Just own it. Because it's better to be good with who you are then try to be somebody different all the time. Embrace ordinariness, you know, be happy and celebrate the fact that it's just a day. We spent probably 20 minutes today watching the birds at the bird feeder. It's been cold, so they're coming to the bird feeder more often. And I love watching the little black capped chickadees come in because they kind of do this undulating flight. Yeah, it's ordinary, but it amused me for like almost half an hour. Embrace the ordinary things in life. It doesn't have to be extraordinary every day or it wouldn't be extraordinary. Let go of expectations and embrace what is and talk. Too often people forget to talk, whether it's a family or as a couple. Make conversation starters. Be reading the news and say, hey, what do you think about? Or, you know, have a conversation starter for dinner. We do that a lot at, at our table in order to encourage all of us to talk and share. But it brings A relationship closer. Compromising. Create a win win whenever you can. Create a win win so you both get something out of it. Compromise based on priorities and needs. You know, sometimes I want something over here, but it's not a big priority. And my partner wants something over here that's a bigger priority for him. So I said, okay, you know, that's fine, no problem. You can have this one. And it's a ebb and flow, balance, yin and yang, whatever you want to call. But you want to look at what is the most important priority here and whose needs need to be met most. Compromise. And when we talk about priorities and needs before I go on, you know, a lot of this, a lot of times around the holidays, this becomes a big issue. Whose house do we go to for Christmas? Whose house do we go to for Thanksgiving? What are the priorities? What are the needs, not only of the couple, but of the family? Because now we're taking into account, you know, 20 or 30 other people. And maybe you haven't been to see one set of relatives in two or three years. So, you know, it's probably more of a priority to get over there to see them as opposed to your family that lives six blocks down the street. And that's something you need to. Or they need to decide as a couple. Compromise between extroverts and introverts. You know, we do this when we have celebrations. He's an introvert, I'm an extrovert. I'd love to have 30 people he likes, you know, dinner between two couples. And so we usually compromise. And I keep it under 10. And that's not overwhelming. Compromise between detail oriented and big picture. You know, we kind of talked about that. You want to compromise between rationally focused and emotionally focused. We do this when it comes to animal rescue. My heart breaks for every little critter out there. And it doesn't just have to be dogs or cats. We would have a house full of possums and raccoons too, if it was legal. But I want the poor little helpless animals to be okay to feel happy. You know, I always stress about the donkeys and the other animals being in the barn when it's cold outside because they're cold. So we need to bring them inside. I know we can't bring them inside, but my heart wants to bring them inside. And, you know, Chuck is much more rational and he's like, no, we have, you know, when we're talking about animals, we have enough animals right now, you know, and we've worked out a system where we have slots, and we only have a certain number of slots for animals in our house. And if we fill them with permanent animals, then we can't foster anymore because that just overwhelms our energy and our space and everything else. So that was the compromise, and he kind of reigns me in. Otherwise I'd be the crazy cat lady that had 30 cats and 15 dogs and whatever, and a possum to boot. Then compromise between structured and spontaneous. If one person really likes structure and the other person just feels very hemmed in by it, figure out how you can make it work. Where both partners get their needs met. Know what you need and define it in observable terms. If you say, I want to be helpful or I want to be happy, that's not helpful. That's not helpful for a therapist, and it's not helpful for a spouse. What does that mean? What does being happy look like to you? Because people can't read your mind. So teaching clients how to assertively state and own their feelings, wants, and needs. I want this da da da da or I feel this way about this. Ideally, communicate to the partner in their preferred learning style. Visual, auditory, or kinesthetic. Obviously, if you're talking about disagreements, it's going to be visual or auditory. But if you're communicating to someone who's a visual learner, sometimes they're able to take in the information better if you write them a letter, and I don't mean write it and then send it to them. So they get it at work, write it, hand it to them at the dinner table, and the two of you can sit there. And after the person finishes reading, then you can talk about it. Remember, it's all about balance. You're not going to get all your needs met, and neither are they. So there's a compromise in there. And sometimes you just have to meet your own needs. You know, sometimes maybe your partner is just not a vacation person and you are. So you may have to agree that, okay, that person goes out, you know, once a year for a vacation with their friends, and you know you're good with that. So it's important to understand what you need, what your partner needs, and how you can make it happen in a way that's workable for both of you. Since not everyone's comfortable with feeling, words reflect their vocabulary, and we tend to do this when we've been around somebody for a while. We tend to use their words when we're talking to them more than we use our own. So it's good, but it's good practice to encourage people to pay more attention to how does your partner describe when they've had a bad day? Think about the last time they just had a really rough day. Tell me as much as you can exactly what they said when they came home and that'll give you an idea about what their feeling or empathy vocabulary looks like. Don't assume you know why a person feels a certain way. It could be something that happened an hour ago, or it could be a combination of 17 things that have happened over the past week. Ask Amazing. Ask. Emotional words can be shown through actions, or emotional support can be shown through actions, not just words. If you know your partner's had a really rough week, maybe the action is to run them a bath or give them a back rub or, you know, take them out to dinner. Help them eliminate vulnerabilities if they've had a rough time, if they're depressed, if they're anxious, you know, think about vulnerabilities. Make sure they're eating well, try to make sure they're able to get enough sleep, you know, just like you would do for yourself. And then in order to figure out what their process is, ask. And there was One scenario on Brooklyn 99, which is, you know, kind of a comedy show that I watch. Terry, who's this big burly guy, was trying to comfort Rosa, who is kind of a hardcore woman, and he's like, you know, I know it's been rough for you. If you ever want to talk or go out and get a drink or throw stuff off buildings and, you know, just, just let me know. I don't know your process. And she's like, throwing stuff off buildings sounds pretty good. So it kind of demonstrates that instead of assuming that he knew what would make her feel better, he asked and he gave her a pretty wide range. Be thoughtful by paying attention to what he or she likes and dislikes. Do things you don't want to do. You know, maybe you don't want to go to your in laws, but you do it anyway because it's the thoughtful thing to do. Keep a running list of gift ideas, write sweet notes, text messages, or just thank yous. Embrace the ordinary. Remember those important dates. Truly listen. Be there during tough times, even if you're busy. You know, you may be busy, but you may have to just set that aside because it's a priority to focus on your significant other at that point and start some personal rituals just for the two of you. Daily, weekly or annual. Maybe each night you spend 30 minutes with no television or anything, just talking. It sounds ordinary, but it goes a long way to improving communication and making people feel more connected. Relationships are complicated. Basic areas to help people focus on include providing compassion and effective emotional support to one another, providing thoughtful things, putting forth the effort to be thoughtful to your significant other, compromising when necessary, and embracing what's good instead of always focusing on what's wrong.