Today's Topic is Safety and Safe Spaces | Live Chat Replay with Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes

Foreign. Hey there everybody and welcome to today's live presentation. Sorry I missed you all yesterday. I was feeling a little bit under the weather so you know, it didn't happen. But I am glad to be back here today and we are going to talk about creating safety and safe spaces. This is going to be a slightly long, longer narrative if you want a presentation, whatever you want to call it, than usual, just because I got a little bit carried away when I was making it. But I'm still going to entertain discussions and take questions and all that kind of stuff at the end of the presentation. So if you have any questions, please feel free to put them in the chat area and I will try to address them as soon as possible or as quickly as possible. So let's just go ahead and get started. Creating safety and safe spaces is a topic that I think is really important right now because there is a lot of crap going on. Let's just be frank and crap is not usually the word that I use. But since we're on YouTube, I'll clean up my language. There is a lot of stuff going on right now that is stressing people out, out. And it is important to be able to create safe safety in your environment. And I want to talk about that because I really want people to be able to develop the skills and tools that they need to feel safe without having to have this special safe space that they go to. I want them to be able to feel safe at home, in the car, at work, in the grocery store, wherever they're going. So let's talk about that a little bit. Why is safety important? Well, people who are scared, hungry, powerless and sick, I. E. Not safe, aren't going to have the energy to focus on other things. If you are always worried that you are going to be threatened in some way, you're not going to focus on building relationships, you're not going to focus on developing your self esteem, you're not going to focus on work because you're trying to focus on survival. We want to get people out of that survival mode. Lack of safety promotes hyper vigilance. So you're always kind of scanning the environment. It also creates a situation. When you're scanning, guess what? What you notice is going to be the negative stuff. When you are in that fight or flight mode, you're not going to be noticing the good things that are going on. Your brain is actually programmed not only to notice but to give up to five times more weight to the negative stuff in your environment than the positive stuff. So when we are constantly hypervigilant and stressed out. Our HPA axis, our threat response system, is in overdrive. Cortisol levels are high, Dopamine levels are high, Norepinephrine levels are high. Blood sugar levels are high. We got a lot of stuff that's high. We are running hot, if you want to think about it that way. And ultimately it leads to problems such as depression, a sense of hopelessness and helplessness. Think about it. If you're scanning the environment pretty much constantly because you feel unsafe, then at a certain point you're going to start feeling hopeless and helpless because you're not seeing the safe parts, you're not seeing the options or the solutions. It contributes to anxiety because guess what, you're stressed out. Depression and anxiety and that overactivation of that HPA axis, your threat response system contribute to systemic inflammation, which guess what, is associated with increases in depression and anxiety as well as the development of a myriad of health issues, worsening diabetes, autoimmune issues, even cancer. So, you know, there's a lot of reasons that we probably want to create safety. Exposure to traumatic events or lack of secure attachment in childhood can create a pervasive sense of unsafeness. If you were unfortunately in a situation where you were a victim of a crime or a situation, it may create a situation where you feel unsafe. If you didn't have that secure attachment to in those formative years, birth to three especially, you may feel a lot of unsafeness because you didn't learn how to regulate your emotions. You didn't learn that there was a safe place that you could go back to. You didn't learn that you were worthy of love, a foundation of recovery, happiness, whatever you want to call it, is to begin to feel empowered to create something safety. We need to start feeling like we have the ability to at least develop if we don't already have them. We have the ability to develop the skills and tools and resources necessary to feel relatively safe. There are always going to be things and times that are out of their our control that may cause us to feel a little unsafe. We had a tornado here back, it's been about six, seven months now, but that was the first tornado I'd ever been through and it was devastating. I get stressed out and we've had a couple of other incidents where we've had really high winds that have taken down our fences or any or things. So I tend to get stressed out or start to feel anxious when we start to have high winds around here in Tennessee, which if you live in Tennessee you know, high winds are kind of like the sun rising. They just happen all the time. And it's important for me to be able to regulate my stress in terms of when those things happen, because we do have high winds so much. If every time the winds picked up, I got stressed out and felt unsafe and stayed feeling unsafe, I'd be exhausted all the time. We need to help people figure out, you know, what is it that causes them to feel unsafe and what can they do to mitigate that? They may not be able to prevent it completely, but what can they do to mitigate it? We can develop tools and strategies for our own safety, which is important, and we can teach and model those same tools and strategies to others, including our children. So let's talk about safety and safe spaces. I use the acronym pacer. If you've been in any of my long classes, it's important or I use this acronym to summarize the integrative nature of behavioral health physical safety. You need to have access to food, medicine, clothing, and safe shelter. You need to have a place where you can go and feel safe. Your home, your house, wherever it is. You need to be able to feel confident that you are, you know, free of threats, relatively speaking, in those areas. And again, I say relatively speaking because things like tornadoes happen and you're not always going to be able to prevent it from. You can't prevent it from hitting your house, but the likelihood that it will, well, I'll get into that in a minute. So anyway, if you look at Maslow's hierarchy, you know, I'm not just pulling this out of my butt. If you look back at Maslow's hierarchy, basic needs and safety are the foundation of healthy psychological development. Affective or emotional safety means you feel safe feeling and expressing a range of emotions. A lot of people feel okay if they feel kind of content, kind of okay. But when they start to feel really powerful emotions, especially powerful distressful emotions. Notice I didn't say negative. I said stressful emotions. It can feel overwhelming, and people may feel like they're out of control. We need to help people be able to experience those feelings and not feel just completely bowled over by them. Cognitive safety means you feel safe holding and asserting your own opinions. You feel okay saying, this is my feeling thought. And there is a lot of problems with cognitive safety right now. There. There is so much divisiveness in the world that, you know, it kind of breaks my heart that we. A lot of people do not feel safe stating their opinions about anything because they're Afraid of getting attacked. And we also, not only those people from the outside that can attack us for our thoughts, but we need to have control to a certain extent of our inner critic. Everybody's got one. It's that voice in your head that tells you that you did something wrong, that you're a failure. You're always going to be a failure. It's the one that says nothing's good enough. Whatever your inner, inner critic says, I like to refer to them as the heckler in the gallery of our head. And developing skills to shut that inner critic down is really important. I talk back to mine. I tell it to, you know, not even going to think about that right now. Or, you know, I may actually confront those thoughts by saying, you know what? That's not an accurate thought in this situation. Environmental safety, in addition to just safe shelter. We already talked about physical safety. You need to have the ability to live in a world in which you are not afraid to emerge from your personal, safe space. We don't want people to feel terrified every time they step out of their front door. We cannot control other people. We can only control ourselves, the situations we put ourselves into, and our reactions to other people. So for example, if you're in the store and there are a bunch of people that are disregarding health protocols right now and not wearing masks, we. Well, you may not feel safe in that environment. So what can you do? You can leave. You can leave that particular area where they're not doing that. You can, you know, obviously then wash your hands. There are steps that you can take. You don't have to stay in an unsafe situation because most of the time unsafe situations are very contained. Know there's a group of people over here. There's a certain place or a certain time of day. You know, I don't like driving on the interstate during rush hour traffic. It causes me stress. I don't feel safe. I don't like driving next to semis. You know, those are, you know, times of day that I avoid the interstate. And when I do have to drive on the interstate, I try not to be, you know, right next to a semi because I know that for whatever reason, logical or not, I know that causes me stress. So I try to get in front of or behind the semis. I take control of the situation that is causing me to feel anxious. Now, relational safety is the final category. We need to help people learn how to be accepting of themselves. Because part our of our relationship, our first relationship, if you want to think of it that way, is our relationship with ourself. If you're constantly telling yourself that you suck, then going to be really hard to believe that anybody else thinks anything differently. So it's important to be accepting and consistent with yourself and develop relationships that are characterized by healthy attachment. So what does that look like? Create your own safe spaces. You can't rely on other people to do it. And what their idea of a safe space is may not be helpful to you. So we need to be able to know what makes us feel safe. How empowering is that to know that, okay, I can't control other people, but if XYZ situation happens, this is what I can do to keep myself safe. If there is a tornado, and I keep bringing that one up because that's one of my anxiety provoking things, I know that there is a safe place in the basement of my house that, you know, we all go, the kids, my husband, the dogs, the cats, the bird usually doesn't move. We just pray that everything's going to be okay. But you know, we just all kind of cram into that to that bathroom in the basement. And I know that, you know, should the worst case happen and we get a direct hit, that we will still likely be safe there. So I'm mitigating or minimizing my anxiety by taking control of the situation and addressing the things that I can. So what do you need to feel safe from others? Remember, you can't control other people, you can't control what they do. So what do you need to do to feel safe from other people physically attacking you or injuring you in some way? And that can be when you're driving, being a defensive driver. That can be when you're in the store, like I said, people not wearing masks, that can be. There's a lot of different situations. What can you do to keep yourself safe? What can you do to keep yourself safe from natural disasters? We have them wherever you live. There's fires, there's tornadoes, there's hurricanes, there's lightning strikes. Stuff happens. What can you do to keep yourself physically safe? And it's important to look around and plan for those things. So when the unfortunate events happen, you know that you've done everything within your power to make it as safe as possible. It's also important, you know, when we talk, for example, about physical safety, to look at probability. Is it probable that if you drive on the interstate at rush hour, in rush hour, you're going to get into an accident and be severely injured? Probably not. You know, yeah, there is a high incidence of that. But probably not when you look at the big probability. So it's important to look at probability. Is it probable that a tornado is going to hit your house? Probably not. Is it probable that someone is going to break into your house? Probably not. You know, you want to look, I mean, look at the crime statistics in your neighborhood. If you live in a super high crime neighborhood, well then maybe it is probable. But if you live in a lot of areas, chances are that if you lock your doors and windows and you know, maybe have a dog or an alarm system, you know, things you can do to help yourself feel safer, that people who mean you harm are going to go somewhere else. Affectively, in what ways have your feelings been validated or invalidated as you've been growing up? How have you been told, what have you been told about your feelings? How can you validate your own feelings if you feel happy, if you feel sad, if you feel angry? I know there are a lot of people right now who are very anxious, a lot of people who are very angry, and a lot of people that are telling other people how they quote, should feel. No, no, no, no, take out the should. We want to communicate with people. We want to be able to validate our own feelings and say, okay, this is how I feel. Non judgmentally. Remember, we talk about this every presentation. I think feelings are your body's way of telling you, hey, stand up, take a look around, figure out if there is a problem. Just because you feel angry or anxious or depressed or happy for that matter, doesn't mean that there is a problem. It means your body's saying, based on past experiences, there might be a problem. So get up and check it out. If you hear rattling, you know, at the front door could be a problem, could be the dog scratching on the door to go out. It doesn't necessarily mean there's a threat. What can you do to cope with powerful emotions? You're going to have them. It's important. And in early recovery, one of the things people say from frequently is one of the greatest things about recovery is feeling feelings. And one of the hardest things about recovery is feeling feelings because those feelings are so powerful. And a lot of times in early recovery from addiction, a lot of people may not have really strong skills and tools to deal with those intense emotions. So developing things like distress tolerance and self soothing skills is really important. Making sure you know, if you're working, working with your own children, you know, there are worksheets online and posters that you can download that have tips for distress tolerance and coping so those are things that you can look at to deal with emotions, remembering that emotions are simply the smoke alarm of your body. If you want to think about it that way, it's telling you, hey, there might be a problem, let's figure it out. But it's also important when there is something that is out of your control, like, you know, when you're sitting there waiting for that tornado warning to go off, that you have skills to deal with that distress that you're experiencing that you cannot do anything about, that, that anxiety, anxiety about this upcoming election. I think most people are feeling it right now. And you know, how can you deal with that anxiety? Because feeling anxious and being all revved up about it and fretting about it 24, 7 for the next month ain't going to do anything but reduce your immunity and make you miserable. What can you do? What aspects of that are within your control and how can you deal with those emotions cognitively? What messages have you received about your thoughts and opinions? Have people told you that your thoughts were stupid or they didn't want to hear it? How do you address your inner critic? We've talked, we talked about that a few minutes ago. When you start telling yourself these negative things, when you start criticizing yourself, how do you handle that? And ask yourself, whatever that inner critic is saying, would you ever dare say that to another human being? And my guess is at least 80% of the time the answer would be no. That inner critic is just nasty. And it's important to recognize that and be able to tell yourself, you know, I don't deserve that. And that is not an accurate thought for what's going on. I have other videos on, long videos on the YouTube channel that talk about addressing your inner critic. So I'm not going to go into deep detail right now. And what tools can you address use to address stressful thoughts? When you have thoughts about, you know, this is an unsafe situation, what are the facts that support your fear or your anger and what are the facts against that? You know, look at both sides, argue both sides of it. What is the probability that it could happen versus the possibility anything could happen at any time? There's always a possibility, but it may be a very, very minute possibility. What is the probability that it's going to happen? What are exceptions to this situation? If you're using extreme language like this always happens, or I never can do this, what are exceptions? When have you coped with a situation like this before and focus on what you have control over Again, I have a lot of Videos on addressing negative thoughts, cognitive behavioral therapy and finding exceptions. Distress tolerance skills on the channel. Don't have time to go into all those things right now. Environmentally, what things outside of your home, your personal safe space make you feel unsafe? What are the facts supporting that fear? And do those things actually impact your safety in the present moment? Moment. If somebody says something or makes a microaggression at you in the present moment, how probable is it that that person is actually a threat to your safety? You may not like it. You know, you don't have to like it. But what is the probability that they are actually a threat to your personal safety right now? And what practical steps can you take to help yourself feel safe when you go about your life? What can you do to help yourself feel safe? Most of the time in most places, remembering that you can't control others, but you can control your own behavior and interpersonally or relationally. How can you develop compassionate, nurturing relationship with yourself if you never had that and a lot of people never did, then ask yourself, what would you have wanted your parents to do if they were able to provide a compassionate, nurturing environment for you? Create. Start creating that environment for yourself now. It's never too late to re parent yourself. And how can you develop secure, trusting relationships with other people? A lot of people feel unsafe because they fear abandonment, they fear rejection, they fear criticism. So how can you develop relationships that are nurturing and supportive of you? And I use the acronym craves. Find people that are consistent, you know, in your relationships. They're there, they show up, they react generally most of the time the way you expect them to. They're responsive. When you are having a bad moment, they can be there and be empathetic. When you're having a good day, they're available to say, you know, awesome, good for you, attentive. They are actually there. They're not just somebody that you talk to once a year, but they actually put effort into the relationship and give attention to the relationship, even if that's just texting, you know, a couple of times a week. They provide validation and empathy when you communicate with them. They validate how you're feeling. They don't have to agree, but they can validate your thoughts and your feelings and say, okay, I, I see where you're coming from, or I, I hear that you're feeling really stressed about this situation again, doesn't mean they have to agree, but they are validating that your reality is your reality and there's nothing wrong with that. They provide encouragement and Support. So consistency, responsiveness and attention, validation, empathy, encouragement and support is what Craves stands for. And if we did more of that in our relationships, I think with others as well as with ourself, I think we would have a lot of people feeling like they had a lot more support and they were a lot safer. So I went through a lot of stuff really quickly. I appreciate you bearing with me for that. In, you know, that 20 minute period, I just skimmed the top to give you an idea about things that you could do to start improving your sense of safety in your environment. As you do that, as you start to feel safer, you will start to feel more empowered. And safety and empowerment are the, you know, beginnings of feeling happy and content instead of anxious and depressed. What questions do you have? What things do you want to discuss? Whether it pertains to safety and safe spaces or anything else. I am here. I am at your disposal. Safety is such an interesting topic because it means different things for different people. And it's important to remember that the way we feel, you know, if you think back to that cognitive triad, thoughts, feelings and behaviors, the way the way we feel is, is influenced greatly by our interpretations of situations, by our expectations of situations. Which is why we need to regularly go back to those facts and say, in this moment, in this situation, is this dangerous? Could it be dangerous at a different point in time? Certainly. But in this moment, is this a problem? I would encourage you today to think about over the course of the day what things that you can do to improve your sense of safety. And that includes emotional safety. And I should have put in here a. I didn't have anywhere particular to put it online. How can you help yourself feel safe online? I know online I don't feel safe. So lately I haven't even been going online because there are so many trolls. There are so many people who just want to, as we call it in my family, poke the bear. And it feels very stressful, like anything you say is going to be met with some sort of feedback. And you know, I'm, I'm tired when I get on social networking or when I used to, I wanted to get on there and see my friends and see funny memes and, you know, get support and it's just really charged right now. So for me, you know, a lot of the ways, you know, my, my social media lately, for example, I've been doing a lot of instant messaging, but I have, or if I do go on, I actually go to particular people's pages to see what they're posting you know, people that I know are not, you know, typically going to be getting, putting out anything that's too cognitively or emotionally charged. Because when I'm on social media, that's not the time that my brain wants to work. It's done been working all day, but that's me. So for creating safety, and I don't get on social media within two hours of bedtime because I don't want it to screw up my sleep. Well, this is a quiet group today. I do encourage you. Let's see. Some of us who've had overbearing upbringings feel threatened whenever we are disagreed with. Any thoughts on handling this over sensitivity? And that goes back to that cognitive safety. Recognizing that in the past you have been invalidated for your thoughts, but also checking your thoughts when you have them right now and saying, you know, look at the facts. Is what I'm feeling and thinking supported? In fact, if it is okay, and then the next step is looking at what. Why do I need these other people's approval, you know, if I think a certain way? And that was a big challenge for me. For example, and I shared this with you in another video. My mother and I, from the time I was, you know, knee high to a grasshopper, we had very different perspectives on a lot of things. And it was challenging growing up initially because I really wanted her approval for everything I did. And ultimately I had to come to the understanding and unfortunately it wasn't until like college, but I had to come to the understanding that, you know what, she loves me. She doesn't have to like what I do or agree with it because I'm making those choices and she loves me, I love her, and that's okay. I don't need her approval for every thought that I have. And that's, you know, really important to recognize that, you know, most of the time in our relationships, we're going to be in relationships with people who don't agree with us a hundred percent of the time. And that's okay as long as they respect. And that's what it comes down to is respecting one another's points of view. We don't have to agree. We don't even have to like them, like their points of view. But we have to respect that that is their point of view, grounded in their reality and their beliefs and be able to accept that. A lot of the reason that we have difficulty, many people have difficulty when someone disagrees with us is because we are seeking that external validation. We fear abandonment by other people if they disagree with us. And it's important to go back to really creating those healthy attachment relationships, even in adulthood, that are characterized by people who can be consistent and responsive and attentive and validate our thoughts and feelings, even if they don't agree and provide encouragement and support to us as human beings. It's not easy. Don't get me wrong, it is really difficult when you grew up in an environment that was in regularly invalidating to cope with that. Another tool to use to initially when somebody instant I'm getting tongue tied. When somebody initially disagrees with you, you may have this rush of anger or defensiveness. And that's where those distress tolerance skills come in. You need to let that HPA axis wind down a little bit. Get into your wise mind and ask yourself, you know, were they rejecting my disagreeing with my idea or were they rejecting me as a person? Most of the time it's they were rejecting whatever you said or your idea. And then ask yourself, you know, is there any merit to what they said? If so, take what's useful, leave the rest. If not, leave it all. And and unfortunately, it is hard to grasp that someone can agree but still respect you, partly because you don't see a lot of it right now. And it is really crucial in a safe and healthy environment to be able to exchange differing opinions of what's going on. And it's, it's really important to create that. Like we were talking about earlier, you can't control other people. You can control who you surround yourself with though. So it's important to create a mini community, the little microcosm of your world. You can't can change. You can't change people throughout the world, but in your social circles, creating environments where there is tolerance, acceptance and authenticity. Any other comments? Alrighty everybody. Have an amazing day and let's see. Today's Wednesday, so I will see you hopefully tomorrow morning as well. It.