Understanding Adult Attachment: Healing Abandonment Trauma

Hey there, everybody, and welcome to this episode of the Pacer Method with Dr. Donnelly Snipes. Today we're talking about the science of adult attachment. In this episode, we're going to define attachment, explore where it comes from, differentiate infant and adult attachment, differentiate avoidant, anxious and secure attachment styles, explore the function of avoidant and anxious attachment behaviors, and identify steps to start feeling more secure in your adult relationships. Early attachment is often with the primary caregiver, and it's designed to help children get their needs met, provide a safe home base from which they can explore when they start being more mobile, and provide support and encouragement for the child and help them learn tools for self regulation. When children interact with the world, they learn what to expect from others by how the people in their life respond to them. So if the people in their life respond to them cruelly or they don't respond at all, then that's what the child starts to learn to expect from others. Infants, they can't move, they can't talk. So when we're talking about attachment, we're talking about how well the caregiver responds to their cries, responds to their needs, to keep them from feeling overly hungry, to help them when they feel in pain, to comfort them when they get scared. Are their caregivers responsive and nurturing? Once the child gets to the point where they are more mobile, and especially if they can, once they get to the point where they can talk, I use the mnemonic safer. Does the caregiver provide a safe home base? Are they attentive? Do they help with feelings, identification and management? Do they encourage independence and goals? And are they responsive to the child's needs? So let's go over each one of those. In the initial interactions that the child had with their primary caregiver, they learn whether people are safe and trustworthy. It answers the question, is the world a safe place? Are other people safe when they interact with their caregiver? If their caregivers take time to play with them and proactively attend to them instead of just giving them attention when they're crying, then it communicates to the child, I'm worthy of love and attention. When the caregiver helps the child identify their feelings and learn how to manage them, it helps the child develop a sense of confidence that they can handle their own feelings when they occur. We're not born learning knowing how to handle anger or anxiety or depression or even happiness. We just feel these feelings and we're like, what do I do with this? This attachment relationship helps us label them, identify what the feeling is and then develop tools to deal with them in a way that's most beneficial for us. When the caregiver encourages independence and goals, it helps the child start to feel competent. When the caregiver says, sure, why don't you go try that? And the child feels supported and encouraged, and if they fail, they're able to come back and the caregiver lovingly accepts them back and says, okay, well, that's too bad. Let's learn from it. You know, maybe you can try again later instead of being rejecting. So encouragement of independence and goals is important. And then being responsive to the child's needs, just as in general is the child figures out whether others will help them get their needs met. Is the caregiver compassionate, Nurturing, supportive? Does the caregiver care? Even as adults, we're programmed to seek affective or emotional and social bonds to enhance safety and protection. We are not meant to live in isolation. Adult attachment is very similar to child attachment, but. But may be spread across different people and the person doesn't need exactly the same type of assistance. So in adult attachment relationships, they provide a safe home base. They provide people that we can get support from, people who are loving, people who are safe and trustworthy. In our adult relationships, we need people who proactively give us attention. They call us up and say, hey, do you want to go to the park or do you want to go to the gym or out to dinner? This helps us remember that we're worthy of love and attention as adults. You know, generally we can identify our own feelings, but sometimes it may be overwhelming, sometimes we may need feedback on, you know, what should I do in this situation? So friends, adult friends provide good sounding boards and can be very instrumental and in helping us handle feelings, especially when they're overwhelming. If you're going through a crisis, friends can be there to help help you through that situation. Encouragement of goals. You know, when we have healthy adult attachments, our friends and, you know, I'm using this to represent friends as well as significant others, encourage us. They want us to achieve the goals that we want to achieve. They try to support us as much as possible. They are our cheering squad. And in our adult relationships, we have, we're in relationships with people who are responsive to our needs. They are compassionate, nurturing and supportive. You know, when we need something, they often are there offering to lend a helping hand. You know, when my mother was sick, my best friend was very responsive. We had to go to North Carolina and she offered to check in on my kids. Periodically, they were teenagers at that point, but, you know, teenagers left alone for too long. So, you know, it was nice to have a friend that I could text with, that I could vent to, that, you know, was helping me by addressing some of the other issues that I was worried about so I could focus on my mother. And that's what adult attachment is. No one person is necessarily going to be able to do all of these things all of the time as adults. As children, we didn't have a huge array of people we could call on. We didn't have the ability to get in the car and drive somewhere. So we were relatively limited. As adults, we are more independent. So we can say, all right, who can I call that could help me with this? And we can rely on, spread out how much we rely on each individual person and they can rely on us. So let's talk about different types of attachment. Anxious and avoidant are the two types of insecure attachment. People who are anxiously attached need frequent reassurance. They tend to have strong fears of abandonment and constantly worry about whether they're going to be abandoned and doubt whether the other person loves them or is being faithful. They may have low self esteem. They have difficulty being alone because it's very scary when they're alone. They may be highly emotional. They may have high levels of dependency, which means they have difficulty doing anything by themselves or making decisions on their own. And they may have really intense relationships that are characterized by what's sometimes called switching. They either love the person or they despise the person. And it's an all or nothing sort of situation. Now how do these behaviors make sense? Well, somebody who was in relationships in the past in which they were abandoned and they got hurt. In future relationships, they may need more reassurance because they're afraid of that happening again. You know, if you are learning how to skateboard and you fall down and you break your arm, you're not going to go back out there and hit the skateboard just exactly the same way with the same intensity the first time out. You need to reassure yourself that you have the skills that you're safe. You need to take it slowly. So people who are anxiously attached may need frequent reassurance because they're afraid of getting hurt again. They may constantly worry and doubt whether the other person is going to stick around. And it's important for them to also keep a log, if you will, of you know exactly what's going on and separate their interpretations or their assumptions from what's actually happening. But people with Strong abandonment fears. It's important that they regularly discuss with their significant other what their fears are so they can dispel them and they can really focus on facts instead of fear. Because a lot of times people who are anxiously attached interpret the world through emotions. They feel anxious, so they look for a reason to be anxious. They try to figure out what's causing me to feel anxious instead of looking at the facts and saying, well, should I feel anxious about this right now or not. People who are anxious tend to have low self esteem. If you've been abandoned in, if you've been hurt, it can make you think that maybe you weren't good enough or you weren't worthy of love, especially if this happened. In initial relationships. They may have difficulty being alone because they're afraid that they're always going to be alone. And this can lead to high levels of emotionality because they're terrified that they can't deal with life on life's terms. Avoidant people often appear confident, independent, self sufficient. They often don't tolerate intimacy, so they're the polar opposite end of the spectrum. And they often lack deep, long lasting relationships. Now people can become avoidant in their attachment for the same reason. If their caregivers were not responsive to their needs, they may have just decided, you know, it's too painful to hope, it's too painful to try, so I just ain't even going there. When you compare the anxious and avoidant person, the person who is anxiously attached needs frequent reassurance. The person who's avoidant attached appears confident and self sufficient and doesn't want nor need that frequent reassurance. So which one are you or are you neither? Are you somewhere in the middle? People with anxious attachment tend to have low self esteem and difficulty being alone. People who are avoidant tend to have a higher self esteem. They appear confident, but they lack deep, long lasting relationships. So they're alone a lot and they're okay with that. Thank you very much. People who are anxiously attached have strong abandonment fears while on the other end of the spectrum, people who are avoidant don't tolerate intimacy and actually may feel trapped if they start feeling vulnerable in a relationship. People who are anxiously attached tend to have high levels of dependency. They want to be with others, they need others to help them make decisions. People who are avoidant tend to be very independent and they don't want other people's input. And people who are anxiously attached tend to be very intense in their relationships. As soon as they meet you, they are telling you all of Their secrets and just putting everything out there. They tend to be very intense. I can't find a better word for that. Avoidant people tend to react by withdrawing or dismissing if they feel like things are getting too close, too vulnerable. Instead of getting to a place where they could get hurt, they just withdraw. Think of past relationships and ask yourself, did this person provide a safe home base? Were they safe and trustworthy? What are the facts I have to support my belief? If they weren't, what did they do to make me feel unsafe in this relationship? Were they attentive? Proactively? Did they proactively show me love and attention by providing quality time, acts of service, gifts, touch, or words of affirmation? You know, those are the love languages that Chapman identified. If they didn't proactively give me attention, if they ignored me, was it because I was unworthy of attention or because they were unable to give it? That's a key question. In this same relationship, how did I feel when I was around this person? If I felt anxious or angry, why? Was it actually about something this person was doing, or my expectations or assumptions about what I thought they were doing or getting ready to do? What behaviors trust trigger my abandonment anxiety in relationships, and what are some possible alternate explanations for those behaviors? So, for example, if your significant other seems withdrawn and is going to bed early for two weeks, you know, is it that they are bored with you and they're getting ready to abandon you? Or is it that all of a sudden they've got three new projects at work and they're just plumb exhausted? Or maybe they're getting ready to get sick? How do you find out what those behaviors actually mean? Instead of having to try to assume, in this same past relationship, how did this person respond when you wanted to grow or change in some way? Were they supportive? Great. If they were jealous, resentful, controlling, or even ambivalent? In what ways might your desire to change or grow have represented a threat to them? A lot of times when people are not supportive, it's because it represents a threat. If they were hypercritical, were they trying to be discouraging? Were they trying to be mean, or were they trying to be helpful and just not doing it very well? If they were trying to be helpful, what would have been a better way for them to do that? And how could you have communicated that to them? And finally, in this same relationship, when you were in distress, could you count on this person to help you or be a resource? If not, was it because you were not worthy or your Feelings were too overwhelming or because that person was too overwhelmed with their own stuff that they could not respond. Something that's important to figure out in each current relationship, including your relationship with yourself. You need to treat yourself as you want to be treated, which means you've got to develop a secure relationship with yourself in addition to other people. So do you provide yourself a safe home base? Are you safe and trustworthy? Do you respect yourself? What do you need to feel safe? And how can you communicate this to others and even to yourself? In your relationships with yourself and others, do you proactively get attention in an appropriate way from whatever your love language is? If not, what would you like that to look like? How would you like to get attention? And how can you communicate that to others? And how can you make sure you do that for yourself? Staying with your current relationships and with your relationship with yourself. How do you feel when you are alone or when you're around new, new people, your current relationships? If you feel anxious or angry, why is it actually about something that's happening right now? Or your expectations or assumptions based on past relationships? And it's important to remember when you're developing a relationship with yourself, you're also developing a relationship with that inner critic. And that inner critic can be really hateful sometimes. So, you know, figuring out how to make peace with that inner critic goes along with becoming secure. What can you do when you're feeling distressed? And how can others help you work through your feelings when you're feeling distressed? Or what can others do to be of help or service to you in your current relationships? How can other people encourage you? And how can you encourage yourself to reach your goals and be the best that you can be? What do you need from others to feel safe when you try new things or make changes? And what can you do for yourself when you try new things or make changes to help you feel safe? In what ways can you be responsive to your own needs? Being compassionate when you're having a bad day? Being loving when you do a good thing? Being nurturing and supportive of yourself? How can other people be responsive to your needs? What does that look like? And go back again to Chapman's love languages. But also just think, you know, when I have needs, what are my needs? And how can people be responsive? Don't expect them to read your mind. Sometimes you may need to ask for help. You may need to ask them for assistance. It doesn't mean they don't care. It may mean that they are. They don't know what to do. Or, you know, let's be real, a lot of times we get so caught up in our day to day autopilot of one foot in front of the other that we are not mindful of the moment and we don't notice everything. So sometimes it's important to reach out and ask for help. When we do that, it's important to communicate assertively and so start out with seeking first to understand what is the other person's perspective. Listen when they're talking for what their needs are and what their feelings are, and paraphrase. You know, if they're telling you about how awful things are right now, you may say something like it seems like you feel completely overwhelmed or you're disgusted with what's going on. And they may say yes, and that just helps them feel important to you and feel validated because you actually listened. Respect the other person's perceptions and needs, even if you don't agree with them, respect that it's their perceptions and needs. And the way we perceive things are influenced by our past, by our past experiences. And they've probably had very different past experiences than you have. So respecting their point of view. And sometimes that means agreeing to disagree, own and objectively state your needs and feelings and synergize to create win wins. So once you've heard the other person, you've acknowledged their perceptions and their needs, then you can state your needs and feelings and thoughts about what's going on and then try to figure out, how can we work this out, how can we come to a compromise in order to enhance our relationship? Now, some people interpret information, hear information, learn differently. Some people are visual and some people are auditory. Visual people are able to digest information easier if they read it if they see it, while auditory are able to take it in easier if they hear it. Some people are active listeners, active learners. That means they learn as they go. And other people are reflective. They hear what's being said or take in what's being read and they get it all and they put it into a little envelope or a box and then they have this aha moment. So some people, you're going to be talking to them and they may not be responding the way you want them to respond as actively as you want them to respond. Because they've got to take all that information in and digest it, figure out what it means and then they'll respond. So be aware that some people hear best when they can read something. And some people can understand best if they have a minute to digest everything that you have communicated to them. It's also important to communicate using people's love languages, affirmations, acts of service, gifts, touch and quality time. But it's important to know what each one of those things looks like for people and what their love language is. Too often we communicate from our own love language instead of communicating using someone else's. So it's like trying to talk to somebody who only speaks Spanish. You speak in English because that's your native tongue and they don't understand a thing you're saying. So talk to people. Communicate with them in their love language. Conflict. Conflict happens. It doesn't have to mean disaster. One person and one thing at a time. A lot of times when people are insecurely attached, as soon as there's any ripple or hint of conflict, anxiety goes through the roof and they assume, oh, this is doesn't have to be that way. People in very healthy relationships don't agree about everything all the time. All it means is you've got to figure out a way to make it work. You've got to figure out a way to compromise, to synergize. When you are having a disagreement, one person speaks at a time and gets to say what they need to say before the other person speaks. So there's no interrupting. Let them say what they have to say and you focus on one thing at a time. Don't come in and start a conflict. Start an argument with a whole litany of done me wrongs. We're going to focus on one thing, we'll resolve that. And then if there's something else, we may try to address that. When you're talking, own your feelings. Instead of saying, you make me feel badly when you do this, say I feel badly. When this happens, it keeps from putting the other person on the defensive. When you start saying things that make you want to point your finger at them, it's going to make them want to push back. Because that feels accusatory. It feels. Feels threatening. So own your feelings. You have the ability to choose how you respond to your feelings. When you feel anxious, angry, depressed, you have the ability to choose how you respond. Own your part in situations. Sometimes you screw up. Maybe you jump to conclusions, you assumed they wanted something. And so oftentimes we call this mind reading and you were wrong. Own it. Tell them you guessed wrong, or sometimes you think somebody should know what you want. You're expecting them to read your mind and that's not fair either. So you may have to apologize for that too. If you're mad at them for not doing something, but you never told them to do it. That's not really fair. You may forget to do something or plum make a mistake, apologize, learn from it, move on. Part of secure attachment is being willing to admit that we're imperfect, being willing to accept others are imperfect, and being willing to separate behaviors from the person. You did something that I didn't like you, you know, however, I like you, I love you, I like you, whatever the case is, I just don't like that behavior. And when you're having a conflict, sometimes it's helpful to have a safe word and a predetermined timeout. So if somebody needs 10 minutes to de escalate because they feel like they're starting to get really upset, having a safe word that you can say like, you know, I need to go on a walk or whatever it is a predetermined timeout so the other person knows that hey, this person's going to go on a walk for 10 minutes and then they will come back and we will pick this up so the other person doesn't feel abandoned when one party needs to take a time out. Attachment is initially formed in infancy and can be fixed or disrupted in adulthood. Attachment helps us feel safe, secure, and loved. Relationship behaviors are based on prior experiences which guide our expectations for future relationships. Learning from these experiences is important, as is recognizing that all situations are different and sometimes our assumptions and expectations may need to be assessed. Check whether you're holding somebody hostage or for another person's bad behavior, or if they are actually doing something that is hurtful. Developing a Repairing secure attachment starts with self. Learn what your needs are and how to start meeting those needs so you can communicate them to others in order to give them a shot at effectively responding and creating that secure relationship. This show is produced by Mr. Charles Snipes and presented by Dr. Donnelly Snipes. You can learn more about boundaries and mental health@docsnipes.com YouTube they can be reached at 1633 West Main Street, Suite 902, Lebanon, Tennessee 37087 or by email at supportocsnipes.com.