Understanding CoDependency and the Drama Trauma Triangle

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on codependency and the drama trauma triangle. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. In this video, we're going to define the drama trauma triangle, explore what each of the three sides looks like, discuss how trauma can cause the development and maintenance of these behaviors, explore the paradox of the triangle on recovery, and finally identify the core strategy to begin dismantling the triangle. So let's take a look at this drama or what I call the trauma triangle. And Melody Beatty talks about it in her book Codependent no More. But let's talk about it from a trauma informed perspective. So the three sides of the triangle are to rescue than to persecute, than to feel victimized. And you may be looking at that going, well, that doesn't make any sense. But it does. And what do I always say? Get curious. In the rescuing side of the triangle, the person engages in enabling, controlling or paternalistic behaviors. Ultimately they're being controlled by the dysfunctional others behaviors, but they feel like they're in control. So you see that there's this illusion that they're controlling what's going on, but every move they make is in direct response or anticipation of what the dysfunctional other does. So essentially just the dysfunctional other is still the one in control. The rescuing behavior is often an attempt to rescue people from their responsibilities and or the consequences of their behavior. Where might they have learned this? Growing up in a chaotic environment, they may have learned that their caregivers were not responsible so they had to take care of the responsibilities. They may have learned that their caregivers would do things that would end up causing them to go to jail or do some disappear for some reason. So the child or the person learned that it was more important to rescue the person from the consequences because ultimately those consequences had downstream effects on the child or the person who is now the codependent. Now, there are two approaches to rescuing and a lot of people use both interchangeably. They may try to control with unwavering determination, and then if that doesn't work, they may drop back into controlling for weakness and pleading for help. I can't do this without you. Other people may just start from the controlling with weakness standpoint where they try to guilt the person, the dysfunctional other, into changing their behavior. So why did they do it? And I think it's really important to understand the whys, because behavior has meaning. They may do it in the name of love in prior relationships, or maybe even in this one, if it's the first Codependent relationship. They may have been with somebody who they truly loved and they felt the need to rescue for some reason, whether it was a caregiver and they had to rescue them to survive, or it was a adult. An adult relationship, and they felt like they needed to rescue this person because they just loved them so much. And this person, while they were in the relationship, developed an addiction. So it may have started out healthy, and they fell in love with this healthy person, and then the person developed an addiction, and they still loved that healthy person, and they wanted to try to get that person back. They may do it in the name of trying to help In a chaotic environment. They may have felt like it was their responsibility or been told that it was their responsibility to do these things. In an adult relationship, they may feel guilty for some reason. And so now they're trying to help this person, Whether they feel guilty for the position this person is in or they feel guilty for something else. And they're trying to get karma points by rescuing this person, but they're trying to help. They're really trying to make the world a better place. In their own way. They may do it because they're. They think they're right and the other person is wrong. Again, go back to where did these behaviors become learned? And often they were in relationships in which the person with codependency, they were right, they knew what to do and the other person didn't. And this is really confusing. If this relationship was one between child and caregiver, where the child's going, caregiver, I know what you need to do. Why don't you know what you need to do? So the person never learned to trust that other people actually knew the right thing to do. They may do it because they're afraid not to. If I don't engage in these relationships or in these behaviors, in this relationship, I may be abandoned. And if I'm abandoned, I don't know if I can exist. A lot of people with codependency don't have a stable sense of self. They don't know who they are, if they are not something to someone. So they're afraid that if they don't rescue this person, if they don't enable, if they don't control that they are going to be abandoned, and that is going to be very dangerous for them. They may do it because they think they have to in order to be loved or to be needed. This can be a message that they got from prior relationships. You are not lovable unless you do all of These things. If you let me manipulate you, if you care, take for me, if you rescue me, if you enable me, then I will love you. If you don't, if you make me experience my own consequences, then I will hate you. And so the person may have learned from those prior relationships that to be loved, it's important to be controlled by the dysfunctional other. They may do it to stop the pain. When they don't know what else to do, they see this person that they love or they think they love spiraling. They see this person that they think they love making choices that are not in their best interest. And that triggers a sense of terror, that triggers a fear of abandonment. The person may go away, which triggers those old, old trauma wounds. When the person said, I don't know if I can exist without you. I don't know how to exist without you. Which is very true, especially for a child. So when they start feeling this pain, when those trauma memories get triggered, when they start fearing abandonment, they may act just to make the pain stop. It's like, okay, I really don't want to do this anymore, but I have to, because if I don't, really bad things are going to happen. They may do it because it's automatic. It's what they've always done, and they don't even think twice about doing it now. Or they may do it because it's all they can think about every moment of every day. And that may be a little bit of an exaggeration, but most moments of most days are spent thinking about, what do I need to do to keep this person out of trouble, to protect them and to keep them abandon. From abandoning me. So the person with codependency will try to rescue and try to rescue. And we know that the only person who can change their behavior is the person themselves. So the person with codependency's attempt to change the behaviors of the dysfunctional other are probably not going to go very well. So then they move into this period of persecution. Makes sense. Persecution. The. The person with codependency is angry, they are frustrated, they are feeling out of control, and this is terrifying. Terror and anger both are emotions that are associated with the threat response. They feel threatened right now. In all objectivity, there may not be a threat in the present, but remember, they are reacting from a place that is informed by their prior memories, those unprocessed childhood traumas. So they're feeling out of control again, just like they felt when they tried to do everything right to keep their caregiver from Drinking. And their caregiver, quote, chose to drink, chose to love the alcohol instead of loving them. These are the things that start coming back. So they move into this phase where they're feeling out of control. They're not able to control the. The dysfunctional other. And they start getting angry, resentful or hurt. And the anger may come out. Things would be so much better if the dysfunctional other would only listen. I know the right thing to do. If they would just listen to me or. And it may come out as a guilt trip. I try so hard, and they undermine me at every single turn. And. And this is when. Or they may talk to the person, the dysfunctional other, and say, I try so hard, and you undermine me at every single. That's that guilt trip. See how much I'm giving? And you're not giving anything back. And then there's resentment. I don't know why I even try, because I clearly love you more than you love me. And that is also kind of a guilt trip. But it's a statement of resentment I feel. Or the person with codependency feels like they are giving more to the relationship, and they probably are giving more to the relationship than the other person is when that doesn't work. Because ultimately, the person who is dysfunctional, whether it's an addiction or mental health issues or whatever, they are doing the best they can with the tools they have, and they feel similarly stuck. So they're probably not changing. The person with codependency starts to feel victimized. The old trauma wounds are opened up even more, and they feel even more unsafe and powerless and exhausted and terrified, just like they did when they were trying to keep their caregiver or other people that they were in relationships with from harming themselves or from abandoning them. They may react with. With react with withdrawal through addictive behaviors. They may engage in drinking or shopping or gambling or any variety of addictive behaviors that can be used to numb, to distract. They may engage in depressive behaviors. They may shut down. When you're that stressed for that long, eventually the stress response says, I'm done. I don't have any more energy to give to this particular situation. I recognize that this is a hopeless situation. And then the person starts to feel depressed. Well, this shuts the person down some. And during that time, they're actually able to shore up some resources for the next battle. After a few days or maybe a few weeks, the person has actually rested a little bit. They felt hopeless and helpless and maybe resigned a little bit. And that slowed them down so they weren't engaged in this frantic controlling and caretaking. Now they have a little bit of energy back and they've shored up the resources for the next battle. It's like, okay, now I don't feel quite as powerless. I have a little bit more energy, and I'm still terrified of being abandoned, of not being lovable. So back at it. And then we're back to the rescuing arm, arm, leg, whatever we call it of the triangle. It's important to remember that codependency in all reality is not about the dysfunctional other. Let me say that again. It's not about the dysfunctional other. Yes. I started out by saying the person with codependency is being controlled by the dysfunctional others behaviors. That is true, but that is because the dysfunctional others behaviors trigger those trauma memories from the past when the person felt unsafe and feared abandonment and that it was their responsibility to fix things. So there's still, in some ways, many people with codependency are still trying to fix, fix that initial traumatic relationship that they failed to fix the first time around. Until you address the underlying trauma issues, you're likely going to repeat the cycle, whether it's addiction or codependency, until those feelings of powerlessness and helplessness and hopelessness and unsafeness are addressed, the sense, the fear of abandonment and anger and anxiety are going to be right at your doorstep. So what we see is the person may go into a period where they've decided, you know what? I'm done. I'm going to get healthy. I'm going to change this. I'm not going to do that anymore. And I think we've all said this about things in the past, whether it's codependency or something else, but we end up seeing them sort of turn the same triangle on themselves, enabling paternalism and controlling. Ultimately, the person with codependency is being controlled by the dysfunctional behaviors they learned from a chaotic past. And they are desperately trying to survive. And they're doing it with these broken tools, if you will. They may be trying to rescue themselves from their perceived responsibilities. Remember, the person with codependency is told that anything that happens in the world is their fault. It's their responsibility to control everything. It's their responsibility to tell people what the right thing is to do so they're told, and they learn to perceive that everything is their responsibility. In recovery, they start saying, you know what? That's not my responsibility. And that's great. That is a great first step. To start recognizing what is not your responsibility, but actually recognizing it and sticking to it are a lot different. Because recognizing it says, okay, I see a path. But then actually following through with that path, you've got to overcome the obstacles, hence the trauma that is continuing to trigger your sense of unsafeness and your desire to maintain a relationship, your desire to control things, to stay safe. Just like with the dysfunctional other, the person with codependency may try to control themselves with unwavering determination. They decide, okay, this time I'm going to do it. And when that starts to fail, when they start making mistakes, they start talking to themselves and saying, all you have to do is help out a little bit. You know, why are you not able. Talking to themselves, why are you not able to actually follow through this? I can't just magically make this happen. Why do they do it? Well, they engage in this behavior trying to rescue themselves because they still think that they're right and. But they also recognize that they might be wrong. Part of them is saying, we need to do this. It's unhealthy to be in this relationship. And then there's that scared inner child or that's. There's that traumatized other that's inside their head that says, yeah, no, we can't do this by ourselves. So within codependency, you've got a person that's arguing between their present self and their past self. They're afraid to not try to change because they recognize how dysfunctional it is and they try to change. When the pain gets so bad they don't know what else to do, they start washing their hands. They're like, I can't do this anymore. So that's where the rescuing goes. But then it falls short because they still don't have the tools they need to set boundaries, to communicate, to feel lovable, to. To be independent. They still are terrified of abandonment. They still feel unsafe in the world and in their skin unless they're controlling everything. So it turns to self persecution. When trying to control themselves or even guilt themselves does not work. They get angry, resentful at themselves and hurt. They tell themselves, things would be so much better if I would only do what I know I should do. They guilt themselves. Well, a better, stronger person would be able to do this. Clearly, that must not be me. Or they may turn to resentment. I don't know why I even try, because apparently I must not deserve to be loved. I must not deserve to be happy. So that resentment, that guilt, that anger starts to come out in Critical inner self talk. And when they turn on themselves, they start to feel victimized again. Those old trauma wounds are reopened. In their past relationships, when things started going south, who got the blame? They got the blame. They started being victimized by those around them who told them, this is your fault. So they start feeling unsafe and powerless, exhausted and terrified because they're looking around going, I couldn't control the dysfunctional other. Hell, I can't even control my own behaviors. What do I do? So they may react with withdrawal, depression, shutting down, addictive behaviors. When they get a little bit more energy, they're like, okay, all right, I can't do this by myself. I need to be in this relationship with somebody. If I was only a little bit better, if I only controlled it a little bit more tightly, then maybe things would work out. So then they go back to the dysfunctional other, and the triangle starts again. They may not go back to the same dysfunctional other, but they often go back to a dysfunctional other. And it can be a new romantic relationship, it can be a dysfunctional friendship. It can be go working in a dysfunctional workplace, or even working in a workplace where it's your job to take care of people who are at least temporarily unable to take care of themselves. Trauma, especially abandonment trauma, is usually at the root of codependency. Trauma causes people to feel unsafe and powerless. Codependent behaviors develop as a way to control the situation and try to regain that power. When not in total control, traumatic memories are reopened and trigger that desire, that need to control someone or something. If I don't control it, I'm going to disappear. If I don't control it, but really bad things are going to happen. So then those rescuing behaviors are triggered again. If they're controlling something, they. They don't feel as out of control.