Understanding & Managing Narcissistic Traits in Yourself and Others
Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes explains narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum, not just as a disorder. She covers what drives them (trauma, insecure attachment, skill gaps), how they show up (grandiosity, lack of empathy, gaslighting), and how to manage them through boundaries, secure attachment, and the FIT CAT method for checking facts in context.
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Hey there everybody, and welcome to today's video on everyday narcissism addressing the narcissist within. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. And I know with that title I've already triggered some of you, so just be prepared. In this video, you're going to explore the difference between narcissistic behaviors and narcissistic personality disorder. You're going to learn how to recognize that all behaviors exist on a continuum from healthy to not so healthy. We're going to look at the causes and functions of many so called narcissistic behaviors or perceptions of those behaviors. We'll explore how these behaviors negatively impact all pieces of a person's life and explore ways to reduce narcissism and improve your sense of safety and empowerment. Personality Disorders and calling somebody a narcissist often implies that you're saying that they have narcissistic personality disorder. And in most cases that's just not true. Personality disorders are an enduring pattern of inner experience and behavior that deviates markedly from the expectations of the individual's culture. So looking at your culture, is that person behaving like a lot of people in the culture or like very few people in the culture? Unfortunately, some will argue that we've become a culture of narcissists, which negates this definition because by its very definition, that behavior is part of the culture, so it's not a problem. But I digress. Personality disorders and narcissistic personality disorders need to be manifested in two of the following areas. So it doesn't take a lot of criteria. Cognition, the way the person perceives and interprets themselves, others and events. Affectivity, the range, intensity, lability and appropriateness of emotional responses. Interpersonal functioning and impulse control. The pattern is stable, inflexible, and pervasive and has been present since adolescence. That's really important. It's. It doesn't change. The person's been this way since they were an adolescent at least, and it's pervasive. It's not just at work. It's not just in their relationships with family or with the with a particular sex of person or something like that. It is pervasive. The pattern leads to impairment in important areas of functioning as defined by that person. If you think that something is important and they don't think that something's important, then it's not something that is an important area of functioning for them. And it's not better explained as a manifestation or consequence of another mental disorder. Ptsd, cptsd, autism, generalized anxiety and Bipolar disorder. And I have a lot of other videos that talk about how behaviors, a lot of behaviors that we associate with other pathologies are actually symptoms of trauma and a person's threat reaction when they feel scared or vulnerable. So narcissistic personality, just give you an overview. Has a person with narcissistic personality disorder has five of the following. A grandiose sense of self importance, I'm all that and a bag of chips and you're nothing. Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or love. Believes they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other other high status people. They require excessive admiration, they have a sense of entitlement, they're interpersonally exploitive, they lack empathy, they are often envious of others or believes that others are envious of them. And they show arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes. Now remember to di be diagnosed as having a personality disorder, they only have to have five of these. So you know, they may have empathy but be interpersonally exploitive. And so it's important to recognize that narcissistic personality disorder can look different between different people. But that's not really what we're talking about today. Today we're talking about narcissistic behaviors, not the personality disorder, just individual behaviors. We need to recognize that all behavior is communication. When I do something, it's for a reason. Because I feel scared, because I'm motivated, because, because, because. So we need to explore behaviors in terms of what is this person communicating with their behavior. Many people may exhibit some or many narcissistic behaviors quite quote unquote in particular settings. For example, CEOs tend to exhibit a lot of haughty behaviors when they're in the boardroom. But they may be the kindest, sweetest, gentlest person when they get home. And they may be very compassionate with their friends. That doesn't make them a narcissist. That's just a behavior that is really culturally sanctioned in that high demand boardroom environment. Some of these behaviors may be due to skill deficits such as having low emotional intelligence, poor assertiveness or communication skills. Other times the behaviors represent a way the person has learned to try and stay safe in order to protect themselves from from threats from other people. They've learned to not empathize because nobody ever cared about me. Why should I care about anybody else? They just let me down. Okay, that makes sense why you would develop that. They may have developed a sense of over responsibility for other people. I have to take care of you, you need to do what I tell you to do in order for us all to stay safe. Codependency change requires recognizing the function of the behavior and addressing those needs in a more adaptive way. And I have that in quotes. Because what is more adaptive is going to depend on the person. For some people, recognizing how they react in certain situations, they may be fine with it and they may choose instead of changing their behaviors to, to change their relationships. Okay? That is their choice. Now, perceiving narcissism is something that I'm sure is going to trigger a lot of people. But it's important that we recognize that a lot of times people that are labeled as narcissists are actually not being narcissistic or not that narcissistic in their behaviors. So let's look at what might cause you to perceive or cause someone to perceive behaviors as narcissistic when they're really quite benign. People who've experienced neglect or abuse and are hyper vigilant to it in the present may perceive looks, words, phrases, actions from people in the present as being exploitive or abusive. When the person in the present had absolutely no intention of causing them harm and but it reminded them of what happened in the past. They may have weak self esteem and high rejection sensitivity. So when anybody contradicts them, it may feel like a devastating rejection. When they're not the center of attention, they may feel like they are disappearing, dissolving because they don't have a strong sense of self. They may have poor communication skills and, and we're going to touch on these a lot as we go through. But it's important to recognize that people can't meet your needs unless they know what your needs are. So if you are not effectively communicating to people, hey, this is what I need from you or I'm not feeling like you're being empathetic with me, this is really what I'm looking for. They may not be able to meet those needs. So communication skills are really important if they choose. If the person choo not to meet your needs after that, okay, well then you got some decisions to make. And people who perceive others as being narcissistic may focus on only one aspect or setting. Like I mentioned before, at work somebody may be a great big old cat turd and when they're at home they may be wonderful or unfortunately the opposite can be true too. But it's important to recognize the person as a whole. And if they are acting unkindly, inappropriately in a particular setting, then we need to Examine what's different about that setting and what do we want to see and then communicate that. So the first one we're going to talk about is self centeredness. And I think we've all been self centered at one time or another. Children, when they're especially very young children, are self centered. That's how they think the world revolves around them. Their perception is everybody else's perception. We call that egocentrism. That's healthy in children. They're not narcissistic. We hope they're going to grow out of it and start learning to take perspective. But not all children do because they may have lacked a secure attachment to help them develop that as they were growing up. So this self centeredness may appear as a grandiose sense of self importance. The person may think, I'm responsible for you and can can control how you feel and behave. Now this is one of those hallmark characteristics of someone who is codependent. And this is a hallmark characteristic of someone who likely grew up in an environment in which even as a child they had to take care of others because they the adults or nowhere around or if they were around, they were completely checked out. So the person may have developed this approach, if you will, in relationships because that's what they've always done. Nobody else was there to take care of them and it was their responsibility to care for themselves. And in a lot of chaotic families, they may have been told that you're responsible for how I feel. Nobody is responsible for how you feel. They can trigger a feeling in you, they can trigger anxiety, they can trigger anger. Okay, that's a natural automatic response. But what you do with that is your choice. You're empowered to figure out, okay, I feel scared. Is there a threat in this environment? And if so, how am I going to respond? Somebody is not responsible for making you have this ongoing feeling of distress, you need me. It's kind of along with I'm responsible for you. This sense of self centeredness that you need me in your life or you can't go on may have emerged because the person recognized that they were the only one they could count on. So now they think that they are the only one anybody else can count on. There are a lot of reasons this may develop. You know, again, people need to examine how am I interacting in these relationships, what am I believing in this relationship about other people's power and other people's worth and, and ability to be, to share the center of attention. When I start thinking about that, what thoughts do I have? And where did those come from? The next one is I don't need anybody to succeed. It's all about me. I've got this. I can do whatever I want to do. Now that's optimistic when taken to a certain extent, but it is pathological when the person starts pushing away everybody else because they feel threatened by them, or anytime anybody gives them any feedback, they start getting very defensive and cutting them off. Exaggerating accomplishments is another example of self centeredness where the person is trying to portray that they've got this perfect life. And this is so prevalent on social media that I think we need to recognize not saying that you need to go to social media and air your dirty laundry, no, please don't. But a lot of times on social media people will exaggerate their accomplishments and how happy they are and everything else because they want. They need other people to admire them, they need the attention, they need the spotlight. Because if that spotlight goes away, they feel like they disappear as well and they expect to be admired or hired or compensated for things they have not yet achieved. And it's important to know your worth, but it's also important to know that you have to earn your way, if you will, for admiration or to be for compensation or to get a job. Just because you know in your mind that you're all that in a bag of chips doesn't mean that you have the right to get hired in front of somebody that has 15 years of experience or that has a much higher degree and three years of experience where you just got your bachelor's and you're fresh out of college. Now there are a lot of nuances to this. I mean, people who are in trades, for example, a lot of it is experience and how good they are at their job. And somebody who's been working at a job for 20 years but sucks at it is probably not going to get the promotion that somebody who work has been working there for five years but is just, you know, know amazing at their job, you know, gets. So it's sort of narcissistic to assume that just based on one aspect, based on my education or how long I've been here or whatever, that I will supersede other people that have other qualifications. Now how can we address this grandiose sense of self importance, recognize behaviors that may indicate to others and things that you say that may indicate to others. I am responsible for controlling you. You need me. And this needs to be the all about me show. You know, that's just not how it is. And unfortunately we're seeing an increase in this, in my opinion, in all of the people whose biggest desire in life for a career is to be an influencer. And it doesn't really matter about what they're being an influencer. They just want to be the center of attention. And I have to ask myself, what's that about? Where's that coming from? Daydreams. This is the next one and this is a weird one because all of us daydream. Does that make all of us narcissistic? No, not at all. We all have thoughts and dreams and hopes and goals. That's normal, that's motivating the person. It becomes narcissistic when the person is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty or ideal love. So constantly daydreaming about achieving immense success or recognition. Spending all their time sitting there pondering, knowing, quote unquote, knowing that in 20 years they're going to be the next Jeff Bezos or something, but then not doing the work, that's not helpful. That's not going to get them there. Expecting people to cater to them because they know they're going to be important someday. No. Obsessively seeking power and control in their, in their daydreams. You know, thinking about, all right, there's this place that I work and I'm daydreaming about becoming the CEO so I can change all these things because these are all the things that are wrong with it. Well, how does that come off in your relationships? How does that come off to other people that you work with? Continuously fantasizing about being exceptionally intelligent, talented or attractive. And this can be really dangerous for people's self esteem if they're thinking that they're all that and then suddenly somebody comes along and says no, you're not. They may feel very well. Rejected, invalidated. Again, there's, there is a boundary, there is a continuum. If you're bright, if you're exceptionally intelligent, it's great to know. And if you're talented, if you're attractive, that's wonderful to know. But fantasizing about how that's going to bring you ultimate success and power according to the DSM may be considered a narcissistic behavior. And idealizing the concept of perfect love or relationships, daydreaming about that prince and princess relationship that Disney pushes on us all the time. A lot of times that that's not realistic. And it is very self centered to think that we are going to be able to make someone cater to us and fulfill these ideas that we have in our Head. Now it's great again. Great to have dreams. Great to have an idea about what your. You want your relationships to look like. But other people have their ideas too, too. And it's important to be able to meet somewhere in the middle and not dismiss every relationship you have that doesn't meet that ideal. Oh my gosh, how lonely is that? If everyone who's not perfect gets kicked to the curb, how does that impact your stress level? Specialness is the next one. A person can be perceived as narcissistic when they believe that they are special and unique and can only be understood by or should associate with other special or high status people or institutions. I'm special. That means I'm not going to lower myself to teach at a community college. I'm only going to teach at an Ivy League college. And I'm not saying that I've taught at community colleges and quite love it by, by the way. But it's important to see how that sense of arrogance. I'm all that and therefore I don't. I'm not going to associate all with all you lowly people. Oh my gosh. What does that communicate to others? This can be demonstrated in people who won't take entry level jobs. When I work with people in residential treatment for addictions, a lot of them have large gaps in their resume. Okay. You know, they were going through some stuff. I get it. Maybe prior to their addiction they were very successful. I've worked with some people who were very successful. But then their addiction really took hold. And when they want to start working again, when they feel like they've reached that point, that they're in recovery, they expect to pick up where they left off. And that's really unlikely to happen in most cases. In most cases, the person has to earn back trust. They've got to prove that they still have the skills and the ability to get the job done. And specialness can also be seen in extremely judgmental reactions toward other people's opinions and behaviors. I'm special. I can do this. But you can't. I'm special and you are just. I don't know what you are. Okay, that's ugly. That is dismissive. Why would people want to or believe that they're special? Well, they could have been taught that they were special. And they're not supposed to associate with people who aren't in their class. All right? It can come from there. It can also come from people who are afraid. They've. They're afraid of rejection. They're afraid of being alone. And they see themselves as special because they're trying to tell themselves that they're worthy of love. So we want to ask ourselves, what does this person's behavior mean if they won't take an entry level job? What does that mean? Does that mean that they're being arrogant and haughty? Or does that mean that their self esteem is so low and their fear of rejection is so low that taking an entry level job is just, you know, overwhelmingly painful for them? Admiration and rejection sensitivity. A person with narcissistic behaviors and unfortunately with social media and media and everything else anymore, a lot of people sort of get drunk on admiration. Think about, you know, back when Instagram was big and the number of likes you got was just, I mean, that was paramount to anything else. Especially in, in the younger generation at that point in time, like high schoolers and even middle school, middle schoolers, if they didn't get that admiration, it was a comment in their mind that they weren't good enough. It was a comment in their mind that they weren't worthy. How, oh my gosh, how much does that hurt to think about? So the person who has rejection sensitivity and requires admiration is going to seek it out. Just like we require food and water, eventually we're going to seek it out when we get hungry enough. So the person who requires this actively pursues situations where they can showcase their supposed brilliance or superiority. They may have, they may be brilliant and they may find a place where they can showcase that. If you have a athlete, Michael Jordan, for example, who, I mean, just wonderful, wonderful athlete. Is it narcissistic that he decided to join the NBA where he could showcase his talents? Heck no. That's just, you know, good business. But if they are in every aspect of their life, remember it's pervasive. If they have to constantly be the center of attention, they have to be able to showcase their, their supposed brilliance or superiority. All situations, that's when it becomes a problem. They pout, withdraw, or throw a tantrum if they're not the center of attention. People with rejection sensitivity often have a very unstable sense of self. So when others are not giving them feedback that they're worthy, they feel like they're going to disappear. You hear a trend here and it's important to understand that this can also come. A lot of this can come from insecure attachment. Growing up in an environment where you were never loved for who you were, you were not given the attention that you needed to develop healthy interpersonal skills, and you just did the best you could. With the tools you had in your little pre operational brain. It's important to recognize that. And people who experienced insecure attachment and attachment trauma in early life will often pout, withdraw, or throw tantrums. Well, that's what they did, their inner child. That's what they did as a child. And that's the only behavior they ever learned to respond to that they don't have other skills. And this is where that skill deficit comes in. Helping people figure out, what am I telling myself, what am I thinking, what am I feeling when I'm not the center of attention and why am I perceiving it as a threat? Withdrawing is flight. Throwing a tantrum is fight. We're seeing that when somebody's not the center of attention, they're feeling vulnerable, they're feeling threatened. Where is that coming from? They may be overly sensitive to criticism. This is the person who gets defensive at the drop of a hat. You look at them the wrong way, you don't love the outfit they're wearing or what they did. They may feel like that is a rejection of them. A lot of people with narcissistic behaviors have difficulty separating behaviors from the person. If you don't like something I do, that means you must think I am stupid and I am worthless. No means I don't like you. Like how you wrote that report. And that is really problematic in relationships as well as work environments. If people cannot provide you constructive feedback without you feeling threatened, rejected or attacked. Much of that again comes from prior learning. If you were raised in an environment where you were loved based on what you did, not for who you were, then in the future, if you do something that somebody doesn't like, you may perceive it as a rejection of your person. Developing secure attachment with yourself and getting to know yourself. Being consistent, attentive, validating, encouraging, safe, all of those things is important in order to figure out what your needs are and be able to sort of parent that inner child. And developing secure attachments with others. Even if you didn't have a secure attachment in childhood, it doesn't mean you can't fix or heal your attachment style. The person engages in activities solely to boost their ego and self image. This is a person who doesn't feel worthy of love. They don't even like themselves. Again, they need other people to say you're the best and other people to notice them and recognize when they're, when they're there and recognize when they're not there. If other people aren't aware of the person, again, the person feels like they don't matter. Like, they disappear and they refuse to apologize for mistakes. When you make a mistake, it means you did something wrong. When you do something wrong, it means you might receive criticism, constructive feedback, or even punishment. And people who've experienced rejection and conditional love often are terrified of being seen as making a mistake because they feel like that will lead to a rejection of them as a person. So they refuse to apologize. If you're in a relationship with somebody who refuses to apologize for mistakes, it's important to approach it. It compassionately. When I worked in a residential facility down in. In Florida, my boss was awesome. You know, I. I hated telling him when I screwed up, but he needed to know. And he told me from the very beginning of our working relationship, you know, if you do something wrong, it sucks. We'll figure out how to fix it, but. But just come tell me so then we can figure out how to address it. Let's. Let's work it. Let's be open and honest with each other. So I felt safe going in there. And the first couple of times I went in there and I said, richard, I really screwed this up. He said, yeah, you did. But then he said, okay, what are we going to do about it? There was no guilt. There was no harsh criticism. It was like, yeah, you screwed up. All right, what next? And it's important for us to do that when we're interacting with our children, when we're interacting with other people. All right, you acknowledged your mistake, you apologized or whatever. Let's figure out what to do next. How do we move forward? And that can help a person feel safer and more empowered. Letting people know that, hey, yeah, you know, I really am upset about this thing you did. I love you, but I'm really upset about this thing you did. Can also be really helpful. Letting them know that they're loved, they're not being rejected, and it's the behavior that you dislike, not them having a sense of entitlement, which revolves around unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance. They believe that rules and norms don't apply to them due to their perceived exceptional qualities, whether it's the family they came from. I'm so and so's son, or I'm a. I'm a legacy at this university, so I should automatically get in or what have you, or I'm the quarterback of the football team and you can't win without me, so I don't have to study. You're going to pass me. I've been told that before. I work at this particular college or I went to this particular college, this Ivy League college, and therefore I am able to do what I want to do, I am entitled. Because I went to this college and not that one over there, I am entitled to a much higher salary, even though I may not be as good as that person. It doesn't matter I have the college or because of my professional status, because I'm a CEO, I don't have to follow the rules. I can cut corners here and there. That's not how life works. Rules apply to everybody. Niceness. It doesn't matter what family you're from or whether you're a key player on the football team or you ride the bench, what college you went to or your professional status. Everybody deserves to be treated with kindness, punctuality. The person who says it doesn't matter, you know, they can't start without me, so I'll get there when I get there. What does that communicate to others about your respect for them? And when people feel disrespected, how is that going to impact their desire to work with or spend time with you? Reciprocity is another thing that we see in entitlement. If somebody. Well, let me back up to punctuality for a minute. Punctuality is very culture centric. Some cultures have a very loose conceptualization of time. So it's important. If you are in a relationship with someone who has a different concept of punctuality, you communicate what your expectations, what your needs are, and sometimes you got to make allowances. Now, reciprocity, the belief that you need to do stuff for me, but I don't have to do stuff for you, is another one of those narcissistic behaviors that really rubs a lot of people the wrong way because they feel like they're being taken advantage of. Well, they are. And it doesn't matter who your family is or what your professional status is. When people do nice things for you, you are expected at some point in the future to do nice things back. You're expected to be kind and say please and thank you. Oh, my gosh. Doing their own work, some people may feel like they're entitled to not have to do any work. And other people will do it for them and they'll turn it in and take credit for it, not so much. And we've already talked about pay. Believing that because of their status for what, whatever that status is, they deserve to be paid more than others who don't have that special status. You are responsible. This entitlement, again, you are Responsible for changing based on how I feel. If I am unhappy, if I am scared, if I am feeling disrespected, then it's up to you to change your behaviors. It's. I'm entitled to that. I'm entitled for you to do what I want you to do when I want you to do it. You know, you're my little marionette. Please. No. This blame game. You're responsible for how I feel, and you're responsible for changing yourself to adjust how I feel. That's not how the world works. It's a continuum. In a healthy relationship, if somebody does something that makes you feel threatened or scared or unappreciated, disrespected. Okay, assertively communicating what they did and what you would prefer them to do instead, that's healthy. Demanding that they do it, not so much. And this is where we also get into setting boundaries. All right, well, if somebody's doing things that I perceive as disrespectful or unkind, I bring it to their attention. I communicate what I'm needing and what I'm perceiving, and they don't change, then it's up to me to change. It's up to me. I know. Hold on. It's up to me to say, you know what? You are not a safe person, and I need to set different boundaries with you than I do with other people. It doesn't mean I have to change how I feel. I feel how I feel. It means I've got to change the situation. And continuing to blame people for, quote, making you feel this way or making this happen to you. Well, yeah, Other people may have caused your problems or contributed to your problems. That's true. And that's just life. However, it's up to you to figure out how to use your energy to best move toward your rich and meaningful life. Sitting on the couch, blaming them or laying in bed, blaming them for what happened and being on your pity pot uses a whole lot of energy that you could be using to figure out, all right, how do I change this situation? I may not be able to fix that person. All right, what are. Well, we can't fix a person. I may not be able to stay in a relationship with this person because they're not willing to change. So what are my other options? And I'm entitled to easy success in everything that I do, which means I give up easily. If something seems too hard, I just give up. Whatever. That was stupid anyway. I'm too good for that. I'm above that. I don't need to be doing that. I'll have. I'll have others do it for me. And that is not realistic. People who have always won, they've never had to experience losses or failures, tend to have this attitude or belief that they should always win. And when they don't, it's devastating because it just shakes up their entire worldview. It's important to explore. If somebody's giving up easily, is it because they fear rejection? Is it because they don't? They've been told and they've been groomed to believe they don't have to try that hard. What is that behavior saying? And if they want to change, what do they need to do in order to develop more perseverance, more stick tiveness? Exploitation? The person who engages in exploitive behaviors may be perceived as doing things that are narcissistic when they take advantage of other people to achieve their own ends. Now, what does taking advantage of mean, though? If you are using people and they're not benefiting or they're not benefiting as much as you are, it could be considered exploitive. Getting ahead is more important than addressing people's needs and feelings. If you're a supervisor and you tell everybody to just suck it up and do their job, you don't care how they feel, that would be probably considered toxic or exploitive. If you're in a family and everybody's life revolves around yours, getting ahead, getting that next promotion, that's all that's important to you. It doesn't matter whether your kids want to change schools or not. It doesn't matter whether your partner is on board or wants to leave their job. That can be considered narcissistic. But let's again look at it from another perspective. What's it saying? It's saying that I have this laser focus, I have this goal I need to achieve, and if I don't achieve it, I'm going to feel like a failure. And that goes back to equating success and behaviors with the person. Another thing that could be confounding this is a person with low emotional intelligence may perceive the situation from their own perspective and they may not recognize how other people feel. They may think to themselves, well, if I achieve this goal and I, you know, get to this high position in my company, I'm going to make so much money and then I can buy everybody everything that they want and that'll be wonderful and everybody will be happy. So in order to make them happy, I need to do this. Okay, that's possibly one way that they, they might be happy, but is it, you know, is that what they want? And the person who is taking this to the extreme doesn't stop and consult with others, communicate with others about, all right, this is what I'm thinking. What is it that you want to do? What is it that you think would be best? And well, it's important to recognize everybody's feelings in order to get the support that you need and reduce unnecessary stress. Everything is transactional, and this can come from growing up in an environment, whether it's personal or professional or both, that was characterized by conditional positive regard. You are loved for what you do. So if you do something good, I will reward it. If you do something bad, I am going to punish it. If you need something from me, there's going to be a cost to you. It's not, I'm going to do this because you, it's the right thing to do or because it would make you happy. It's always transactional. That way I can make sure that, all right, I'll do this for you, but you're going to owe me. That can be exploitive. They take credit for other people's work or diminish other people's contribution to work. And this is exploitive because you're not giving credit. The quarterback who gets up after a, you know, winning game and says, it was me, I did it. The team could not win without me. That's exploitive. That is taking credit for everybody else's successes during the game. When something happens at the house, you know, in your relationships, when something goes well, going around and telling everybody, yep, that was me. I did that. I, I, that was all me. Not recognizing the contributions. Even if, let's go back to that promotion. Even if you got that promotion and that promotion enabled you to buy the house that your significant other was wanting or get in the school system that your kids want it to be in. Well, yeah, you did that partly. But your who, who supported you while you did that? Who took care of all the other stuff while you were at work? It's important to recognize other people's contributions and look at the big picture and gaslighting to manipulate others in order to get your own way or hide your behaviors. If you make a mistake and you want people to not recognize you made the mistake. Oh, that never. I didn't do that. I don't know who did that reminds me of a family circle cartoon that I don't know if they even still publish Family circle, but the little kid was made some mistakes, got Some footprints in the house and stuff. And mom was like, who did that? And he's like, not me. And he did some other things that were mistakes. And instead of saying that, admitting to his mistakes, he kept saying, not me. So not me became this little ghost, this little spirit that was flying, flying around the house, causing all kinds of mischief, trying to blame other people or convince other people that, oh, well, I'm picking you up at, at 4:00'. Clock. You say I'm an hour late. Well, you told me 4 o' clock when the person actually told you 3 o'. Clock. You know, lying to cover up your own mistakes. Recognize why. Why are you gaslighting? Why is why are you trying to manipulate others to hide your mistakes or get your own way, as opposed to assertively communicating, these are my needs, these are my feelings, or yeah, you know what, Sorry, I screwed up. What does that mean? What does admitting you made a mistake or admitting that you have needs mean to you? And how can you better address those things? The person with narcissistic behaviors often appears to lack empathy. They may not take other people's perspectives. We already talked about this a little bit. See a lot of these characteristics kind of overlap. They may have never learned to take other people's perspectives. They have always been the center of attention or almost always been the center of attention. And they have been told, raised to believe that other people's thoughts, wants and feelings don't matter. Well, then of course that's how they're going to behave. That's a skill deficit. Some people who grew up in chaotic environments may also have not learned to take other people's perspectives because they weren't able to learn that crucial skill of empathy growing up. They were always on in fight or flight. So worrying about what other people think and feel, you know, I don't have time for all that. It is a skill deficit, but it comes from a different place. It comes from a place of trauma versus a place of learning. Sometimes people will effectively take other people's perspectives and recognize, oh, wow, that was devastating to you. But they don't effectively communicate their understanding of the other person's perspective. And this is a huge issue for a lot of relationships where you have one partner who is more of a thinker and a problem solver, and another partner who is more of a feeler and an emoter. And you know, if you go back to your mbti, those are two polar opposites of a temperament dimension. And a lot of people who are feelers need someone to just acknowledge hey, that was devastating. Instead of jumping in and trying to fix it, the thinker is trying to validate how you feel by jumping in and trying to fix it. They're trying to make it better so you don't feel devastated anymore, but they're not communicating that in the right way. Likewise the feeler who wants to talk about feelings. The thinker's like, yeah, what's the point in this? Don't you hear me saying we need to fix this now? So that's one area of communication. The other area of communication is love languages and we've talked about that in other videos as well. But we receive, we interpret certain actions from other people as love and loving based on our prior experiences or sometimes based on our lack of prior experiences. What we really craved when we were growing up and knowing what your love language is and communicating that to your significant others, including that's not just your romantic partners, but your friends and your, you know, your kids. This is how I feel. These are things that make me feel loved and appreciated. When you acts of service is a big one for me. You know, when you do your chores, when you come down to dinner on time, those are the things that make me feel loved and respected. I'm not a big one on gifts. Some people are quality time, you know, what does that look like for you? Words of affirmation. My, my daughter is huge on words of affirmation. From the time she was knee high to a grasshopper, she would put little sticky notes around for people giving them words of affirmation. And that's not me, but she got it from somewhere. So it's one of those innate sort of things. But I know for her words of affirmation are really important for, to communicate to her how I'm feeling, that, that I love her, that she's appreciated, all that. But it's important to communicate using people's, using a language that people understand so they feel heard, they feel validated, they feel recognized. And the person who quote doesn't provide emotional support. We already talked about that a little bit. But many people were raised in an environments where you just didn't talk a lot about feelings. So you may not, the person may not know how to respond. What does emotional support mean? How do I do that? Explain it to them and it's not being condescending. If they don't know how to do it, if they don't know how to support you in the way you want to be supported, tell them they can't change, they can't try to change. They can't even entertain the notion of trying to change if they don't know what to do differently. They may just feel very frustrated because it's like they may feel like they were trying to be supportive and you walk out of the room feeling completely unsupported and they're just standing there going, what? What did I do? So communication, so important to communicate your empathy, but also communicate what you need. If you want people to meet your needs, don't expect them to mind read, tell them, I know, radical concept there. Most people that are relatively healthy would love to make sure that they can help you meet your needs. But it's important for them to know what your needs are. And there's going to be boundaries. One person is not going to be able to be your confidant 24, 7, 365 for the rest of your life. That's probably not reasonable. They're going to have work, they're going to have days, they're sick, they're going to have other things. So it's important to understand what's reasonable to expect out of people and compromise and envy and arrogance. The person who is envious of others or believes that others are envious of him, of them may be perceived as narcissistic. If, remember, envy is a form of anger. I am angry at the world or at you for having something that I want. You know, watching a celebrity on television and being angry that they have some 20 square, 20,000 square foot house on Martha's Vineyard and blah, blah, blah. You know, I look at that and I go, oh my gosh, how much does it cost to heat and cool that thing? And wow, how long does it take to clean? Or how many people do you have to pay to clean it? That's how I look at things. But other people may look at it and go, they have that. That means they are lovable and they're deserving. No, that means they have a lot of money. Doesn't necessarily mean anything about them. But a lot of people perceive it differently. They may perceive that if somebody has this thing that they're happy. Are they? Or do they just have that thing? Some people may have a lot of money but be desperately unhappy. Some people may have what looks like the picture perfect family, but be unhappy. So instead of being envious of others, you know, maybe looking to them as a role model if you want to achieve those similar goals, but also being realistic about what is it that they actually have, what is it that, you know, they actually have. Tabloids will Tell you there's a lot of people with a lot of money that are very unhappy and they believe, some believe others are envious of them, which may cause them to be arrogant and haughty if they think that others are envious of them. Remember, envy is a form of anger. If people are angry or if people want to be like me, that's a threat. They want to kick me off my throne. So I am going to be, I'm going to defend my throne by being arrogant and making sure that you know good and well that I'm staying where I'm at and you're not getting my place. That goes back to that fear of rejection, fear of dissolving if you are not something instead of recognizing that you are someone. So narcissistic behaviors are often very self protective. Sometimes again they were learned from culture. The as I mentioned, that Instagram need to be the center of attention craze and now tick tock and everything else. Yeah, that was culturally sanctioned, so to speak. Doesn't mean it's healthy, doesn't mean that it is improving our self esteem. And the more, the weaker we feel, the less, the less self esteem we have, the more we feel threatened by criticism, by other people's achievements, by, you know, all this other stuff. So it's important to examine your behaviors, what they mean, what they're saying and identify if you need to make changes. Remembering that behaviors occur along a continuum and setting boundaries is healthy. There is nothing wrong. It's not narcissistic to say you know what you've done. These things, they have been hurtful to me. I've called you out on it, you continue to do it, so I'm cutting you off. That's narcissist, not narcissistic. That's healthy. Expecting somebody to change without communicating to them what needs to change, that's not going to work for you. Don't expect them to read your mind or spend every moment trying to anticipate based on every muscle twitch what your needs are. Communicate, tell them. Narcissistic behaviors can develop as a way to stay safe or they can be learned. True narcissistic behaviors often represent either a reaction to a threat or a lack of pro social skills. The person's trying to stay safe or they don't know how to react any differently and so they are engaging in these behaviors that we deem narcissistic. Perception of behaviors as narcissistic if you perceive everybody around you as engaging in narcissistic behaviors, it may represent an inner sense of powerlessness and a fear of rejection. So we want to look at it. Remember that mnemonic I have Fit Cat? What are the facts in this context at this time? Is this person trying to be exploitive, dismissive, steal my thunder, gaslighting? Or am I perceiving that? Am I feeling that way based on past experiences? And I'm interpreting it based on my past experiences. What's this person actually doing in this context at this time? Addressing narcissism requires exploring the meaning and function of your own behaviors. Because we all engage in narcissistic behaviors sometimes as well as the behaviors of the, quote, narcissists in your life, if they're communicating to you that they feel threatened, that they feel afraid, that they fear rejection, well, what can you do to help them feel safer and more empowered? If they're communicating that they don't have the skills to address something, how can you help them? If they're communicating that they just have no clue what you need or what you want because you haven't communicated it well. Hey, communicate with them. But the narcissists, quote unquote, in your life are probably communicating something about themselves as well as about you. If they feel threatened by you, they may appear more narcissistic. Setting boundaries to narcissistic behaviors in yourself and others is a huge step toward recovery. When what you're doing is you're saying, I will not tolerate these behaviors in myself or others, and it's important to recognize what you're doing when you're doing it, increase your mindfulness, and become aware of some of those common behaviors that we have these days that are perceived, may be perceived by others as narcissistic. And how can you soften that? How can you get back a little bit more toward the midline? Thanks for watching.
