Understanding Unique Needs of BDSM Practitioners: A Counselors Guide

Foreign. I'd like to welcome everybody to today's presentation on the overview of BDSM for counselors. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly. Snipes trigger warnings and cautions. Gotta put them out there. The following presentation involves a frank discussion of BDSM and sexuality. While not overly graphic, some of the content might be triggering for some people. This video is meant to provide an overview to help clinicians understand bdsm, but is by no means means all inclusive, nor is it a tutorial. It's designed to increase awareness of common issues faced by BDSM practitioners and clinicians working with them, and help clinicians identify areas where they may need further training. We're going to talk about the benefits and prevalence of bdsm, learn about BDSM relationship structures, identify possible areas of physical and psychological injury the therapist needs to be aware of. And this is not only injury caused by the dominant or even the submissive, but also injury that clinicians can inflict by stigmatizing someone who practices bdsm. We're going to dispel some common BDSM myths and identify danger signs of abuse in bdsm, because yes, it can cross the line. The perception of BDSM as being pathological influenced our research throughout the 1980s. I mean, throughout the time I was growing up, you know, it was really considered something that was done, you know, in dungeons and back alleys. And it tended to focus on non consensual sexual sadism and incidental S M related fatalities. Now, remember, bdsm, the hallmark is safe, sane and consensual. So if you're doing it safely, you're not going to have fatalities. And if you're doing it consensually, then that's something completely different. And so what, what we're talking about today is sexual acts that are engaged in by one or more people that are done in a safe, sane and consensual way. BDSM practitioners differ minimally, minimally from the general population in terms of psychopathology. So you're not going to find that people who are more. Who struggle with more mental illnesses have. Are more likely to practice bdsm. No, that's not actually the case. BDSM interests and behaviors are relatively common and are linked with sexual and relationships satisfaction. All right, Sexual and relationship satisfaction. It's not something people get into because they're dissatisfied with their sex life and they're just trying to find something and it still not working. So this is an interesting avenue for couples to explore or, and I'm sorry I shouldn't have said couples for people in relationships to explore, because it can be a group of people. Remember, in polyamory. Think about it. People regularly engage in grueling activities that push their limits, and they emerge feeling more confident and empowered. This is what we're doing in bdsm. Skydiving. That's, you know, maybe not as grueling as, like, military training, but it can be kind of scary and very scary, but people do it. They emerge and they're like, wow, what a rush. That's what we're looking for. Childbirth. And I'll tell you, after I had my first child, well, definitely after the second child, both of them without anesthesia, my empathy for people regarding their pain tolerance went down just a little bit. I'm like, once you've had a baby, come back and talk to me. Now I. I do just a little bit. But people do practice for natural childbirth, and that is grueling. It pushes their limits, and when they're done, it's just this amazing experience fueled obviously by endorphins and hormones and everything else. Military training, it's grueling, but once you're able to do that, whatever course it is or whatever thing that you're training to do, you feel empowered. In sports, coaches are essentially dominance and players are essentially submissives. The player comes in and says, coach, I want to be an NBA basketball player. And the coach says, well, I can't guarantee that, but I will do everything in my power to help train you and make this scene, make this desire a reality. And so, again, in bdsm, you've got two people who have desires that they want to see come to fruition, and it's about meeting the desires of both individuals or all individuals. I apologize. Prevalence. In 2017, Holvet et al. Reported 46.8% of the population engaged in BDSM themed activities. Almost half the population. So every other patient that you see may likely engage in some BDSM themed activities. 12.5% engage in at least one BDSM related activity on a regular basis. Now, this can be spanking, it can be blindfolding, it can be bondage. And when I say bondage, that goes the whole gamut from handcuffs to very intricate bondage rituals. 69% of the general population, 2/3. More than 2/3 of the general population, fantasized about BDSM related activities. Among Canadian university students, 72% of men and 59 of women had fantasies of being tied up. And 65% of men and 50, 58% of women had fantasies about tying someone else up. So we have equal opportunity. There are a lot of very successful, very capable, confident, dominance that are female as well as those that are male. 60% of men and 31% of women indicated positive thoughts of whipping or spreading spanking someone. Now, when we're thinking about this, what we're talking about is safe, sane, and consensual whipping or spanking, not causing them incredible harm against their will. Not. That's not what we're talking about in 99.9% of the cases. Always it's with their consent. Some people prefer rougher play, and that's where we start to see more experienced practitioners also be the ones that tend to present with occasional marks because they are engaging in more intense play. About 50% of the general population prefer in the study an unequal power dynamic in their sexual relationship. One partner preferred to be dominant and the other partner preferred to be submissive, or they wished it was that way. And they may have. And that's one area that there may be discussions about. We also have, and I'm getting ahead of myself in bdsm, what we call switch. There's the dominant person or persons, there's the submissive person or persons, and there are people who, sometimes they play the dominant role, and other times they play the submissive role. Most often you're going to see the switch in people who are not engaging in lifestyle bdsm, in people who engage in. In BDSM in their sex, but not outside of their sexual activities. But that's not always true. Many people engage in BDSM behaviors, but don't think of it as bdsm. They use handcuffs, they use spanking, choking, blindfolds. And that's just something that has sort of evolved in their relationships. But they didn't really call it bdsm. And we don't want to force people to call it bdsm. We don't want to say, well, don't, you know, that's. That's actually bdsm. That can make some people uncomfortable because there is still such a stigma with the practice of bdsm. So if somebody talks about handcuffs or spanking or something else, that's fine. We don't necessarily need to label it. Several factors influence people to be interested in BDSM and guide their drive to explore new or more intense kinks. Differences in the brain's pain and reward systems. People who engage in bdsm, especially those who are submissive, often tend to have a higher pain threshold and tend to seek More rewards. They're sort of adrenaline junkies, if you will, those with more openness or extroversion. In bdsm, there is a lot of communication, a lot of discussion, and being open about your feelings, but also being aware of your partner's feelings. So extroversion is really important. Being willing to try new things and being motivated to try new things. There are some people who are happy doing the same thing every single day, and that makes them happy. More power to them. Other people, people who tend to be more extroverted, tend to like variety. People who are higher sensation seeking also may be more interested in bdsm. What we want to watch out for is clinicians, people who have what we diagnose in the US Right now as cluster B personality disorders, and antisocial, narcissistic, borderline histrionic. We want to be aware that they may be more drawn to BDSM for a variety of reasons. And we can do an entire presentation on that. If they are doing it with full knowledge of what they're getting into, and it's helping them feel empowered and. And realize their desires, cool. You know, nothing wrong with it. It doesn't mean that they can't practice or it's dangerous for them to practice, but we do want to be aware. For example, someone with antisocial personality that engages in BDSM because they enjoy inflicting pain on other people. And it's not about their partner, it's solely about them. They enjoy it because they enjoy inflicting pain and getting their own way, then that's not healthy. And. And you're going to have to navigate that. There is no easy, yes, no checklist that we can use to decide whether it's a safe relationship. It's an ethical question. People with ADHD tend to be higher sensation seeking and tend to dabble in a lot of different things. Not everybody, but some people with addiction, bdsm, because of its stimulation of the endogenous opioids and dopamine, can be very tempting and addictive for someone who has an addiction or develops an addiction. And people who are in a manic state. Now, people who are in an actively manic state, often don't have the ability to really fully conceptualize what's going on. So there we want. May want to be concerned if the person is engaging in this behavior for the first time while they're in a manic episode and. Or if they are practitioners and then they go into a manic episode, are they able to exercise good judgment within the scene or within the relationship in order to make sure it is safe, sane, and consensual. And if not, then it's important that their partner or partners are aware of the signs of a manic episode, and they're aware of the signs of a manic episode, and they take precautionary steps. People who tend to be more impulsive, again, your cluster people that with cluster B disorders tend to have more impulsivity, think borderline personality. And people with borderline personality often have significant childhood attachment issues and insecure attachment. If they are engaging in the BDSM behaviors because they're afraid of abandonment, they're doing it to avoid abandonment. That's not what we probably what is healthiest. Now, if they are able to make that decision and they are able to understand the consequences, then it's not our business to tell them what they can and can't do. But we do want to be aware of, again, the underlying motivations for engaging in this particular behavior. And, and is it helping them feel empowered, or is it simply an act of fawning to Prevent abandonment? People with 88 ADHD, addiction, and mania tend to be more impulsive. They tend to do things and then think, and that's not going to work most of the time. In bdsm, we need to make sure that the person is present in the moment and, and is conscious of what they are doing. And same thing with the, with both the dominant and the submissive. The submissive may get into a flow state where they're present, but they become very uninhibited. And the dominant may need to know where those boundaries are so the dominant doesn't push the submissive past that past their boundaries unintentionally. People with more active coping styles, like problem solving and taking action, tend to be more interested in bdsm. I thought that was an interesting point. And attachment styles and couple dynamics also influence willingness to explore limits in a BDSM context. If someone is securely attached, then it would follow that they are often more likely to be forthcoming about their sexual desires and communicate openly about their sexual desires with their partner. And then they can pursue BDSM as they see fit, as an alternative or as an additional type of play, for example, in their. In their relationship. There were no differences on measures of empathy between dominant, submissive, and switch BDSM practitioners. So that myth that people who practice bdsm, particularly dominance, are not empathetic is inaccurate. It's a false assumption. In reality, the dominant, in many cases, as I mentioned, has to be almost more empathetic in order to make sure that when the submissive is in flow state that they are not taking advantage of the situation. In another study of 283 BDSM practitioners in China, it was found that being in the submissive role during BDSM weakens female individuals empathetic responses to others suffering and at both the behavioral and neural levels. So that's a little bit different than what the first study said. But I like to give you all the information, not just one aspect. Recognizing and, and going back to my example of childbirth, I think once you've done something that's really hard, it's. You can see how people can push through and you may not have as much empathy as adults. When we are working with children and the child says, oh my gosh, this is overwhelming, and we say, no, it's not. Well, we've gone through 150,000 more difficult things than they have. So in our perspective, because we have gone through trials, it's not as overwhelming. And it's sort of similar here. So I'm not saying, saying, and the study wasn't saying that submissives lack empathy. It just changes their empathy a little bit. And they may be more likely to empower people to build on their own strengths instead of rescuing people. And so that was an interesting study. BDSM occurs on a spectrum. For some people, it stays in the fantasy stage. The they may read books about bdsm, no novels in which BDSM is taking place, which by the way, qualifies as literature or text based porn. And I'm not criticizing, I'm just saying that is an aspect or a type of porn. Occasional play, frequent play, and lifestyle. Even for lifestyle people, most BDSM practitioners don't want to make the others in their life feel uncomfortable. So when they are in public, when they're at the grocery store, when they're at church, when they're at work, they are going to look and act like most everybody else. You're probably not going to be able to pick out, oh, this is a BDSM practitioner. Because they are being respectful of the boundaries of people who don't engage in the lifestyle. They're also to a certain extent, being self protective because there is still some stigma since 50 Shades of Gray came out. And you know, I think that is one of the worst examples of BDSM out there. But it was what got us talking about it some years ago. BDSM has become less stigmatized, but it is still looked at kind of sideways by large swaths of People note, as a person gains more BDSM experience, and this is from an attorney who works with people who are BDSM practitioners who get accused of abuse of some sort. As a person gains more BDSM experience, their motivation and goals evolve and, and the frequency and the risk that they engage in increases. So it's. We need to understand that as people become more comfortable with some of the behaviors, whether it be spanking or bondage or other things, breath play, there may be a more likely, a greater likelihood of seeing injury. Think about sports. When people are first learning how to play football, they're going out and they're tossing the football, they're learning how to throw, they're learning how to run, maybe how to catch, and they are well padded as they start to learn how to tackle and they're using sleds and other things. Once they get up to the pros, it gets a whole lot more dangerous and they are engaging in it in a safe, sane and consensual manner. But there is a much greater likelihood that they're going to come home with bruises and broken things and what have you. So I'm trying to help you see that everyday activities can produce bruises. Just that. That we think of in the non sexual realm as well as BDSM activities. Benefits of bdsm, when it's done right, it improves communication and increases intimacy. Remember, intimacy is not just sexuality. It's not just about what you're going to do to one another in the bedroom. Physical intimacy is a sense of closeness which, and when we are. Well, when we improve intimacy of any type, it actually increases oxytocin and the desire to bond. Emotional intimacy is a person's willingness to share their feelings, their fears with their partner and their experiences, emotional experiences with their partner. And that increases dramatically in BDSM because there's a whole aspect of BDSM called aftercare that we're going to talk about and cognitive. It increases intimacy because people start talking about what they want to do and how they think about what's going on. So people, through their communications about scenes, about desires, etc, start understanding each other's way of thinking a little bit better. So it can be really empowering for a lot of people and it encourages fidelity. And this is another huge myth that people who engage in BDSM are not in committed relationships. They may not be in your traditional monogamous dyad. They may be. There's a lot of people who are in a traditional monogamous dyad that engage in bdsm. There are others who are in polyamorous relationships or cnm. But BDSM does encourage fidelity because the amount of safety and trust that has to be built up in order to allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone is extreme. And in order for BDSM to be successful, people have to have that level of safety and trust in both parties. The dominant has to trust that the submissive is going to use the safe word when necessary, is not going to harm them in some way. And the submissive has to trust that the dominant has their best interests at heart. So it goes both ways. Improved mental health was also seen in a study that found that people who practice BDSM scored better on certain mental health indicators than those who had vanilla sex. Well, vanilla sex, there are a lot of people that I've worked with, that I know, etc, who have been having sex since they were, you know, teenagers or, you know, 20s, but they've never actually talked about what they like or what they want or what they're curious about. They've. It's just been something that they've kind of done and muddled their way through. And a lot of times that leaves people feeling somewhat unfulfilled or bored or whatever. So people who practice BDSM are constantly, at least in the sexual aspect of their relationship, communicating. The BDSM friendly participants were less neurotic, more open, more aware of and sensitive to rejection. And that's not a bad thing. They were able to sense when their partner wasn't feeling comfortable with something and go, okay, you know, you're not comfortable with that, that's fine. Not about me. You just don't want to do that. They're more secure in their relationships and have a better sense of overall, well, being. Reduced cortisol is also a side effect of bdsm. When people engage in BDSM activities, it produces a rush of endorphins, which can eventually result in reduced cortisol. Like, after you've had a bad day at work, you go to the gym, you work out really hard, and you come home and you're like, oh, I can finally relax. Well, you know, strengthen. Vagal tone is another issue that's just starting to be explored. But especially for the submissive, when they are pushing limits, when they are experiencing pain or. And. And willingly consensually experiencing pain, triggering that relaxation response. So they don't. So they're able to continue with the scene if that's what they want to do is really important. And a lot of people find that their pain tolerance increases that Their ability to push through fears or apprehensions increases as they engage in certain BDSM practices with someone who does it in a safe way that they trust. I know, I sound like a broken record, don't I? It activates dopamine and endocannabinoid receptors. So not only are your endorphins, your inner opioids getting triggered, but your endocannabinoids, those are related to cannabis receptors. And dopamine, we all know, is your motivation and pleasure. Pleasure is chemical, so all of our happy chemicals really get fast tracked. When engaging in bdsm, the endorphin rush leads to an altered state of consciousness akin to a runner's high. And well, that's pretty self explanatory. We see people increase in their confidence as they push their allow their limits to be pushed or push their own limits. They start feeling more confident. It's like, oh, I didn't think I could do that, but I did. Now remember, safe, sane, and consensual. A dominant is not going to push a submissive to do something that, that they don't want to do. That's on their no list. If it's. When we do the yes, no, maybe list, if it's a hard no, the dominant's going to say, okay, hands off. Stay away from that. If it's on the maybe list, then the dominant may gently push the person to test that boundary, but is going to be responsive. When the person says, okay, far enough, you know, we're not going to go all the way today. It increases mindfulness. Participants, particularly submissives, enter a flow state of mindfulness, similar to the mindset athletes report when they're in the zone, just completely aware of what's going on in the moment with them, with their partners. In terms of BDSM facts, there is no evidence that BDSM orientation is caused by childhood trauma or a history of abuse. BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture, and for most participants, not a pathological symptom of past abuse or difficulty with normal sex. It's a way of playing. It's something different. Some people, some musicians like to play rock and roll. Some like to play jazz. Some like to play blues. Some people like to have vanilla sex. Some people like to do something else. Okay, more power to you. BDSM does not necessarily cause distress and dysfunction, but sociocultural and political persecutions do. The way we talk about BDSM and BDSM practitioners, the way we present them in the media is really important. And there is a show right Now, I think it actually just got canceled, but it's called Billions, and I can't remember what network it's on, but they do a pretty good job of showing a healthy BDSM relationship and that meets both partners needs. And so I think that's good. And both partners that are involved are relatively healthy psychologically, physically, etc. So it gives you a less stigmatized look at what we're talking about. Among males, but not females, BDSM related sexual behaviors and BDSM identification were associated with increased acquired capability components for suicide, and unintentional self death. Now I call it unintentional self death. And a lot of what we're talking about here is auto autoerotic asphyxiation. I said at the beginning, BDSM can be done with one or more people, and that's where the one comes in. Some people will engage in masturbatory activities and BDSM related activities at the same time. Because people who practice this a lot tend to push the limits. They may accidentally push the limits to where they kill themselves. And again, that's not intentional. Likewise, if they intend to commit suicide, it doesn't seem as scary or overwhelming because they've pushed the limits so many times. Being aware, if you've got a male client who has clinical depression or is in early recovery from addiction or bipolar, you know any of those disorders that put somebody at a higher risk for suicidal ideation and they practice BDSM, it's important to be very aware. A 2024 study examined the therapeutic functions of BDSM practices among assault victims. What they found was that BDSM may serve as a form of unconscious, subconscious, or overtly conscious repetition of the trauma with the aim of processing the trauma and healing through deliberate rescripting. And rescripting is, I'm not going to do the same thing and end up a victim again. I may go through a similar experience and I am going to be empowered this time. I'm going to be safe this time. It's going to be my choice this time. Likewise, BDSM can trigger trauma and elicit dissociation, guilt or shame in people, especially people who have a history of assault, and helping them be aware of that. And that's part of mindfulness. That's part of understanding what they need to be on the lookout for when they're engaging in BDSM activities, if they choose to do that, so they don't inadvertently re traumatize themselves. And so they also know where it's coming from. If after a particularly intense scene. They have what they deem to be an extreme reaction. They may be able to understand a little bit better where it's coming from and take more appropriate aftercare steps to make sure that they again aren't retraumatizing. Many BDSM participants perceive sexual BDSM experiences as not only significantly different the from, but also better than mainstream or vanilla sex. BDSM participants construct sex as requiring genital contact while framing sexual BDSM so we have sex and sexual bdsm. So they frame sexual BDSM as creating sexual fulfillment, which may not necessarily require sexual contact or orgasm. So they are improving intimacy. They are engaging in behaviors that are exciting and titillating maybe, but may not necessarily involve contact of sexual organs. Sexual BDSM is centered on emotional and mental experiences, while sex is centered on the physical ones. And sexual BDSM experiences facilitate deeper interpersonal connections than those available in simply sex. People involved in BDSM stress the importance of everything being consensual, so there will be much negotiation at the start about the things that people do and don't enjoy and the ways in which the relationship will proceed in terms of the dominant and the submissive or the switch. People need to have their desires and their boundaries understood at the outset. Checklists and contracts are highly advised, and I wish it wasn't that way. I wish we could just know that we're going to communicate and everything's going to be happy and we're going to sing Kumbaya. But that's not the way it is. And it's important, unfortunately, in today's litigious society to also make sure that we do have contracts that explicitly state consensual cooperation and participation in BDSM activities. Now, you don't need to do it every time you have sex or engage in some sort of role play, but it's helpful and it's smart for people to have a contract. Checklists like the yes, no, maybe checklist can be very important. You can find some of these checklists and contracts and learn more about them by talking to people who are practitioners and who are active in your local community. You can go to BDSM websites, communities and munches to look for more information from those who've been involved in these kinds of practices and relationships. And there are also often local fetish fairs and kink events that that may include demonstrations and workshops. Now remember, munches are where people can get together in a vanilla setting and with other people who are BDSM practitioners or bdsm curious, but it's very vanilla. And there's no overt sexual role play or there's nothing overt about what's going on. And it's. They're often held in, you know, restaurants and. And other places. Fetish fairs are more overt, so those tend to be a little bit harder to find sometimes, but they are available. There is a lot of awful information out there, even from proclaimed professional dominance. If you go on to Reddit and you go into some of the forums and you start listening to some of these people, even the ones who have like hundreds of thousands of posts or whatever, doesn't mean they're safe, sane, and consensual. It could be that they are so far off the wall that people just want to subscribe to see what they have to say. Each person in a BDSM relationship has to define for themsel what is acceptable and safe, sane and consensual. As clinicians, we can help people define their sexual interests if they say, you know, I'm curious about bdsm, but I don't know where to go with it, or I've been thinking about it. Okay, so let's talk about what things you're interested in. Yes. No, baby list. That would be a place to start. Explore how those sexual interests contribute to their rich and meaningful life. Are you wanting to do this because you think it'll help you have a more fulfilling sex life? Because you think it'll help you have more confidence? Because you know what? What's your motivation and encourage people to explore that? And are you doing this because you're trying to avoid abandonment? Probably not the healthiest motivation. Or because you're trying to nurture your relationship. That's already healthy. Chocolate chip cookie analogy. You've heard this one. I've made it before that people who are in relationships, you have chocolate chips, they're awesome on their own. You can eat them by themselves. Don't need anything else. You have sugar cookies. Awesome on their own, don't need anything else. When you put them together, they bring out the best in each other, but they don't. You don't need to. They don't need each other, but they can enhance each other. Now, some people might add peanut butter morsels to the chocolate chip cookies and think, oh, my gosh, that is just it. That's the epitome. Other people may not like the peanut butter morsels added or be allergic to the peanuts. Okay, not for everybody. And that's what we want to talk about. I know. I Always go back to food. But that's what we want to talk about with our clients. And is what you're doing enhancing the relationship or is it something that you're trying to stick into the relationship to fill a void? And it's just, it's not something that you're really, that you really like or you're really interested in. Are you looking for occasional play with one person or multiple people? And are you looking for something that's occasional play or even frequent play or something that's lifestyle? Something that's 247 where you're going to have a master and a servant or a mommy or daddy and a little. People can identify as dominant submissive or switch. In a dominant submissive relationship, people may include power play in their sex life and perhaps other aspects. For example, the dominant may control the five Fs. Food, fun for now, finances, fornication and friendships now safe, sane and consensual. The submissive has to agree to that. If the submissive doesn't agree, then that's abusive. But there are a lot of relationships in which the dominant does control the five Fs. For most people, being in a dominant submissive relationship will be something that they only do some of the time. For example, in pre arranged scenes and often but not always involving sex. Some people only do it when they're on vacation. Some people do it every Friday. Some people who are in dominant into dominant and submissive relationships may have longer periods such as a holiday where they maintain their power dynamic. But their everyday life will probably not seem that much different than everybody else's. They will get up, they'll go to work, they'll go to the grocery store. Everything that vanilla lifestyle brings they do. But when they're in their own environment, they may have a different dynamic. They may have a different power structure in terms of dominant submissive lifestyle arrangement contracts. Now this is for people who want to do it 24 7. It's important to identify the desires of the submissive. Why do you want to do this and what are you hoping I will do? What are you thinking it'll look like? And the desires of the dominant. Why do you want to do this and what are you hoping to get out of it? What do you envision it looking like? And that can be very different. Where you have somebody thinking that they're going to have total power and control and the submissive going yeah, no, no, I'm not giving you that much power. Or likewise, you may have a submissive who wants to just relinquish all power and control and the dominant that doesn't feel comfortable having that much power and responsibility. So it needs to be negotiated. Expectations including after care of the submissive and of the dominant. What expectations does the dominant have of the we'll use the master servant example. What expectations does the master have of the servant and what expectations does the servant have of the master? Safe words have to be in the contract. If somebody's using their safe word because the dominant is pushing boundary, well, because one party is pushing boundaries too hard, then it might be a time for contract and renegotiation. It's like, okay, I wanted to get into this, I still want to do it, but you're pushing a little too hard. So we need to maybe back off and slow down. Sometimes the submissive will use their safe word to be bratty. It's like, I can stop it whenever I want and I'm gonna do it just because I want to screw with you, mess around with your head. Sorry. And in that case, the submissive is not being respectful of the desires of the dominant and, and respectful of the contract. So it may be may result in termination of the lifestyle if they're going to behave in a way that is not meeting the needs of the dominant. And that's fine. It doesn't mean the relationship has to be terminated. It just means that contract may be terminated. There need to be consequences for non fulfillment of expectations of both parties. And I can't say it enough. The dominant is expected to respect the submissive. The dominant is expected to help the submissive fulfill their ideals and their fantasies and their goals. The submissive is expected to also follow certain behaviors and play the part, if you will, that the dominant is agreeing to provide. And there have to be emergency plans because sometimes things are going to go awry. Not always, but sometimes. It's always good to have an emergency plan in case things get too heated in BDSM activities. They're setting the scene. Submissives often express their desires and the dominant is responsible for making that happen. Dominance may express their desires and the submit submissive may consent. For example, whether one or one or both parties bring it up. I want to participate in orgasm, denial or bondage or sisification or humiliation. And the other partner would agree and say, okay, let's make this happen. And generally how it happens is left up to the dominant. Whereas the submissive says, this is what I want to happen and these are the, these are the boundaries. So you figure out how to make it. So there's also, I Already talked about the master or the mistress and the servant and the daddy and mommy and the little lifestyle. And this is another one that is pathologized a lot. This is not about having sex with children. Absolutely not. A lot of times in the parent little lifestyle, the little is one who wants to abdicate all responsibility. They don't want to grow up, they want to be told what to do, what to eat, when to do it. You know, just, just like a child is. They're not dressing up in, in little kids clothes or anything. They are acting like a child. And the dominant is providing that parental guidance role. So it's not about sexual attraction to children at all. Some people who are littles do enjoy regressing to a point sometimes where they are wearing diapers or something. But that is more on the extreme a lot of the times. And it's not about the, the dominant being attracted to somebody in diapers. It's about the child, the little wanting to be nurtured like a helpless infant. Once the scene is agreed upon, the dominant is in charge and the submissive does not top from the bottom. Once you've said this is how I wanna, this is what I want to happen, make it so. Then the dominant is able to use their creativity. Why do some people like bondage? Some people do. It's an art form for some. There are books, volumes on different knot styles, different types of bondage. There's actual artwork of tying people up different ways. It's a artistic expression. Some people like being restrained, some people find it sensual. Some people like to be engage in bondage because they feel it builds trust and connection. And if they are willing to allow someone to tie them up, then it allows them to experience a level of vulnerability that they don't experience otherwise. It can be excitement, experimentation, part of dominance and submission. As I mentioned, artistic and sometimes it's just plain role playing. Caveats and dangers. Breath play and bondage can be very dangerous. There's the danger of asphyxiation, especially if it involves any sort of bondage around, you know, the chest so a person actually can't breathe. Or around the throat or the face. Nerves and circulation. We all have wrapped an ace bandage too tight around our arm once or twice and you know, your fingers start to turn blue. That's not okay. And knowing how to tie people up in a way that won't lead to circulatory problems and tissue death is essential. And emotional responses can also be a danger for some people. They may think they want to be tied up and then as soon as they are, it's triggering. Okay, we can work through that. But the both parties, not just the dominant, the dominant is not a mind reader. Both parties need to be mindful of their emotional reactions and willing to use the safe word, willing to call off the scene if it seems seems like the other person is in a bad place. In terms of discipline, some people prefer to have someone else hold them accountable. Some people enjoy knowing the expectations and where they stand. You know, if I do this then I get rewards and if I don't do this then I'm going to be disciplined. Okay. Some people enjoy pain play. So it's essential if you are intending on disciplining somebody for punishment to ensure that it's not rewarding. If somebody enjoys pain, then they may do things in order to get disciplined. What you're doing is rewarding that behavior if they're enjoying it. So it's important to understand the difference. And for those people, spanking for example, may not be an effective punishment. Frame is how people distinguish their pretend play from actual violence or, or consensual domination. Fr or unconsensual domination frame is always safe, sane and consensual. So you're setting these guidelines and boundaries and parameters and you're saying this is. When we do this, we don't if even if we're lifestyle, we don't engage in this behavior on the outside. We don't engage in this behavior when we're at the grocery store. We don't engage in this behavior when we're at your parents house. That is, that's not consensual. It's consensual under these circumstances. Flow is designed, defined as a completely focused motivation and immersion and awareness in an act which includes intense and focused concentration on the present moment. You're there you are mindful merging of action and awareness. A loss of reflective self consciousness so you become more uninhibited. A sense of personal control or agency over the situation. You're uninhibited, but you feel empowered. Clear goals and experience of the activity as intrinsically rewarding important points. Compared to other practices. BDSM has the risk of being much more physically or psychologically damaging when done incorrectly. The abusive dominant top master, daddy, whatever, who disregards or pushes limits without consent. It is not okay. The the abusive dom, top or master who uses shaping, successive approximations etc to get what they want regardless of the well being of the submissive is also not okay. So if they gradually nudge the person past a boundary that they know good and well that the submissive doesn't want to go past. That's brainwashing, and that's really not okay. A sub, a bottom. A submissive who is engaging in the behaviors or lifestyle out of fears of abandonment, not out of desire, is generally dangerous. And a practitioner who of BDSM who has a history of sexual, physical or emotional abuse, who becomes re triggered needs to be aware of that. So they're not re victimizing themselves and make sure that they're not reenacting the trauma in a way that re victimizes themselves. Doesn't mean they can't do it. It just means they need to have full awareness of what they're doing and why they're doing it. Sub drop Regardless of trauma history, BDSM activities involve voluntarily pushing or allowing personal boundaries to be pushed during the scenes. The person may be in the flow or in subspace where they're self aware but not self conscious and very and they are variant and very attuned to the moment after the scene. It's not uncommon for the practitioner, particularly the sub or the bottom, to feel very vulnerable and exposed. They just let all their inhibitions go and now they're like, oh, now that I'm back in my wise mind, I'm not sure. Sub drop refers to the sadness the submissive partner may feel once the endorphins crash and adrenaline floods their body after a powerful scene. When sub drop happens, the submissive may experience feelings of depression, rejection, anxiety, fear, or even guilt. The endorphins and other hormones released during the play leave the body quickly, and it takes time for the body to rebalance the hormones in their system. Physical aspects of sub drop can include fatigue, aches and pains, and recovery from marks. Could be an hour, could be two weeks, and it may feel for some like a really bad hangover. Emotional aspects of sub drop include sadness, which, if not cared for, could go into depression from just one play section. They may. The person may feel lost and depressed for hours or days. They may just stay in bed and want to sleep it off. And people with a history of depression or bipolar disorder need to be extra aware of the impact of the hormone alterations that occur during this intense activity. Not only do you have something intense like you would if you were running a marathon, but then you also have all the sex hormones that are added to it. So it's a much more powerful physiological response and physiological alteration. It can be somewhat scary, especially if it follows on the heels of what may have been an especially powerful yet even positive BDSM scene. Aftercare is essential to make sure that everyone involved feels safe, respected and cared for after playtime is over. Aftercare means communicating and taking care of one another after the scene to ensure that all parties are a hundred percent comfortable with what went down. What each person needs for aftercare is very personal and doms need to remember to ask the sub if they're going to need a specific type of aftercare. Do you need cuddles? Do you need time of loan, what is it that helps you feel safe and respected and whatever after the scene. Subs on the other hand, must not expect doms to be mind readers. They need to be willing to express this is what I'm going to need and they need to be able to have that open conversation. Sometimes for one reason or another, a top or a DOM may not be able to commit time to aftercare and a bottom may crave extensive time after an intense scene. Best practices indicate it's important that a top spend the first five to 15 minutes doing some form of aftercare so the person the the sub feels loved, respected is not as self conscious. It helps allay some any guilt that may be there. So the sub can't just get up and go okay, thanks, been, been real and leave, not okay. That prevents the immediate feeling of abandonment from setting in. And if the sub if the Dom can't stay past that 15 minutes, there's a pre negotiated babysitter that shows up to sit with the sub until they are feeling okay. Sub drop can occur more frequently in committed relationships or interactions with novice partners. Novice partners may do too much. They may not understand aftercare or sub drop. They just go in and start playing and don't realize the totality of what needs to be done. On the other hand, people who've been practicing for a while can just get plumb lazy. Myths. And for those of you who have to leave, I understand that I'm going a little over. I appreciate you being here. This will be posted on demand as soon as the video is over and I've edited it. So have a great day. Thank you for being here. For those of you who can stay, let's continue. Myths the DOM has all the power. While in the scene, the DOM is doing things to or requiring things of the sub that the sub wants the DOM to do. The goal is mutual satisfaction for both parties. The DOM is doing this because they want to please the sub and they want to help the sub realize their fantasies or their goals. And the sub is enlisting the help of the dom because they know the D. It'll make the DOM happy. To help them achieve their goals, either participant can. Either participant can terminate or break the scene at any time. That's what the safe word is for. Each participant has been well versed on the hard and soft limits of the other. Hard limit means no. Don't even go there. Don't ask me about it. Soft limits are the. That's the maybe list that says maybe under the right circumstances, the seventh Thursday or the third Thursday of the month, and the moon is blue, I might consider it. So I'm not saying totally no, but it's not a yes. Okay, so those are soft limits. Doesn't mean that the person is saying yes, but it doesn't mean they're saying no either. Disregarding the hard or soft limits without prior discussion is unacceptable. A person who's dominant or submissive in real life will prefer a similar role in bdsm. No, not necessarily. It's not unusual for people who are alpha in the vanilla world to be submissive in their private life and vice versa. Remember that BDSM and dominance and submission is not always about sex. Sometimes a person who has to make decisions all day long just wants to come home and take their shoes off and be told what to do so they don't have to think it's abusive. No, it's not. Consent and an in depth discussion of boundaries and physical and psychological safety are the absolute hallmarks. Any experience of pain or humiliation by the sub has been pre negotiated and is a positive or erotic experience for the sub. Now remember I talked about narcissists or antisocial personality earlier? They may find it erotic to inflict pain and they don't care how the sub feels about it. Again, that's not safe, sane and consensual. So we want to understand and make sure that the sub is getting their needs met and it's building them up. BDSM is not always about sex. It's about sensation, pushing personal boundaries, exploring power dynamics in relationships as well as in life. Recognizing that, hey, I can submit. I don't have to worry, win every argument. I don't have to constantly be dominant in a private situation. Can be extrapolated to life outside of their private relationships. Six Clinical considerations for treating BDSM Practitioners don't ignore the bdsm. If it comes up, don't just turn a blind eye to it and go, I don't. I don't want to talk about it. That's not acceptable. That's stigmatizing. But Also, don't assume that trauma caused the BDSM or BDSM is causing the trauma. Sometimes BDSM is completely unrelated to the reason they're seeing you. Counter transference in your relationship with them. If they are dominant, for example, and you're in a relationship with them, they may perceive you as another dominant and therefore a threat. Or they may perceive you as submissive, they may treat you as a submissive. And it's important to negotiate the power dynamic in the therapeutic relationship. It's also important to recognize counter transference in their relationships and counter transference and how you respond to somebody who is dominant or somebody who's submissive. What does that bring up in you and what are you projecting onto them? Non disclosure BDSM practice practitioners do expect to be stigmatized, especially in the healthcare system. So most of the time they're not going to tell you. And as I was talking about before class started, you're not probably going to go through an assessment and do an in depth sexual history or sexual assessment with them, and that's okay. But if it comes up, it's important to be willing to be open to and accepting of it and not assume that it's damaging, not assume that it's abusive, not project negative feelings. If you have them onto the client, you know that's their lifestyle. If that works for them, more power to them. Even if it's not something for you. Okay, go back to those cookies you stick with pure chocolate chip. They will have chocolate chip and peanut butter. Thank you. We need to be culturally competent and understand the dynamics in a DOM sub relationship and in whether it's lifestyle or situational. And we need to be able to recognize BDSM abuse and pathology. The abuse test, is it consensual? If yes, awesome. Do both parties have power and control? Remember, the submissive has a lot of power and control. They have the ability to use the safe word. They, they set the scene. They're very involved. They're not just passive people. Does it cause psychological harm to one or both people? If so, then it's not healthy. Does the victim feel responsible for abuse yet powerless to change it? Generally, this is the submissive. Every once in a while it can be the dominant. But if the person feels like they're being abused, then if they feel like they're victims, then it's abuse. It's not consensual. And are the behaviors and interactions in both directions characterized by respect, danger, signs? Participants are subtly or not so subtly pushed to perform acts that they don't really like and are discouraged from declining or using safe words as part as part of BDSM growth or training, there can be a little bit of encouragement. But if somebody is being overtly discouraged from respecting their own boundaries, that's not okay. And a lot of times overly enthusiastic doms may think that it's their role to convince people to push it just a little bit further. And that's not usually the case. The submissive needs to be able to respect their own boundaries. Abusive bottoms may suggest doms are not good tops if they don't like certain practices or don't feel comfortable taking specific activities to a certain level. And abusive tops may do the same. So the submissives can be very humiliating and shaming of a DOM for not doing it right and that can be very damaging. A dangerous DOM is more likely take the sub to the edge prematurely, push them too far too soon to prove something about themselves. And once there, they may play out a set of acts that have worked for them before and not be fully present to the subs experience. So they're, they're just kind of on autopilot. They're doing what they want to do because they're having fun. In a healthy relationship, the DOM can take the sub to that edge the appropriate time, remains aware of the submissive's experience and whether it's gone well or whether the sub has decided this is not an edge they want to play with ever again. And they, the sub and the DOM both feel respected, loved and cared for. Talking about bottoms with others in a way that's degrading and not consensual and not in the consensual ways of degradation that have been carefully negotiated. Some people like humiliation. So there are certain types of degradation in certain situations that it may be okay. But if that has not been pre negotiated, if you're bad mouthing, and this can be true about tops as well, if you're bad mouthing your partner or partners to other people, then that's not okay. If you're you that we it wouldn't be okay with anything else either. Participants, especially doms that withdrawal or stonewall when things don't go their way and say they just need space can also be a danger sign. They're basically training the submissive that it's not okay to raise hard issues and if you disagree with me in any way ever, then I'm going to abandon you. And if you constantly agree and do what you're told to do, regardless of how you feel, you will be rewarded with closeness. And finally, participants that engage in constant loyalty testing do you really love me? Do you really want to do this? Can I trust you? If you're constantly testing somebody's trust ability, constantly testing their loyalty, then the trust that is necessary for a healthy relationships probably not there. Best practices include start low and go slow. A highly skilled mountain climber may decide to brave the deadly faces of Mount Everest and come through it alive with a very dangerous but also rewarding experience. Few others will ever know more power to them. However, while they're able to make informed choices about their consent with activity, newer folks have too much to learn to really have much insight into wisely taking such a risk. You don't know what you don't know and you don't want a novice getting halfway up Mount Everest and going oh crap, I didn't think about all these things. Therefore, it's considered a best practice to tell a beginner to stick to short marked hiking trails in a moderate climate to start out. So taking the parallel to bdsm, stick to short scenes or short times in BDSM or very prescribed behaviors to try it out first before you start moving into the really hardcore, before you start pushing edges really strongly. Two Contraindications in the Practice of BDSM Anyone diagnosed diagnosed with a severe and persistent mental illness, whether it's developmental, neurocognitive, autism spectrum personality disorder, or active psychotic disorder, or even an active addiction that now, mind you, that significantly and consistently impairs their judgment if they have it under control, if they are stable and they can make good judgment. Okay, we want to look for people who have these diagnoses and whose judgment is significantly and consistently impaired. They are at high risk for practicing BDSM and long term power exchanges should usually be avoided by people with a lack of a stable sense of self. This goes back to people with, for example borderline personality disorder or or most of your personality disorders. Three Ways in which Mental Illnesses Impact a Client's Ability to Give Consent if somebody is in an active state of mental illness, they may not be able to understand the relevant information and predict what's going to happen. They may not be able to foresee or understand the consequences. If I do this, then these are the potential consequences. They may have difficulty reasoning about the potential risks and benefits and inability to effectively communicate consent in determining healthy versus unhealthy BDSM practice. We've said this before, it's safe, sane and consensual. There's mutual respect for all parties involved and their limits and boundaries There's a high level of trust and open and honest communication. BDSM covers a wide range of activities, almost all involving some level of power exchange. BDSM practitioners have been found to be at least as well as just at least as well adjusted as the sexually normative culture or the vanilla culture. As many as 20 to 50% of people have engaged in some type of BDSM behavior, including bondage and spanking. BDSM is something you can learn and explore over time and is not something you just jump into full bore. There is a lot of negotiation and learning that has to take place on the parts of both the dominant and the submissives to prevent psychological and physical harm. Remember, it's always got to be safe, sane, and consensual. Did I say that enough during this presentation? Okay. Thank you for being with me and staying with me a little longer than we normally run. I got a little bit of diarrhea of the mouth or fingers or something when I was doing this presentation, but there was a lot of information I felt was important to cover. What questions, for those of you who still are remaining, what questions do you have? Yes, Adriana had a great response earlier about compulsive sexual behavior. Compulsive sexual behavior. Which is kind of the term we use for sex addiction now. Yes, BDSM can become a compulsive sexual behavior, but like Adriana points out, the hallmarks of the compulsivity are that it is distressing and interferes in one or more areas of your daily life. And if. If it does, then it's important to start considering what's going on. And yes, in and of itself, because of the neurochemical rushes that occur, if somebody is engaging in BDSM behaviors on a frequent, intense basis, there's a potential that it could start altering neurocircuits, just like engaging in porn addiction or sex addiction or something else. Alrighty. Well, it doesn't look like like there are any questions at the moment. I know I went over a lot of stuff and this is probably very new to a lot of you. So as you think of more questions, please feel free to add them in the comments below and we will respond to those. If there are other topics in the realm of kink, bdsm, asexuality that you're interested in, where we're talking about sexual sexual behaviors. And please feel free to also put those in the comments and we will see about adding additional videos in the near future. This topic came up because it's a very common issue. There are a lot of people who practice kink and bdsm and they don't feel like it's something that they can discuss with their therapists because therapists are largely uneducated about it. And as a counselor, educator and the whole purpose of these Wednesday live webinars is to educate counselors so they can better provide a safe and accepting environment for people who are interested in exploring kink and and or BDSM or talking about it. And obviously you're not going to do it in the counseling session, but they're interested in exploring it in their lives and they want to process what they're thinking about with their therapist. Yes, Malika, I wish that we did a better job of negotiating all relationships in a way that is overt and sane and consensual. That that would be wonderful. That'd be wonderful if that was part of premarital counseling or pre relationship counsel counseling. But unfortunately in, in many cases it's not. For those of you who are still here, please remember to hit the like button. And if you know a therapist who might be interested in this, please feel free to share it with them. And so we can start making sure that the people that are providing mental health services are kink aware and accepting.