Unlocking resilience: How to help children thrive after divorce

Hey there everybody, and welcome to this video on helping children cope after a divorce. I'm your host, Dr. Donnelly Snipes. I have a lot of other videos on the YouTube channel on parentification as well as parental alienation, and those are unfortunate situations. What we're talking about today is how to understand what's going on with the children during a divorce and pregnancy provide the most positive resolution possible. One of the first effects of divorce for children, especially younger children, is personalization. When there's chaos and turmoil in the household, which often happens before the divorce is even thought about, it can create a lot of stress for the child, which can lead to poor sleep and behavioral issues. So it's important to recognize that when they are occurring and provide redirection, provide the child alternate ways to express that stress or cope with that stress. However, when the divorce does occur, if the child had acted out or is acting out or having behavioral issues, whatever you want to say, they may blame themselves, they may think I was bad. So my parents are getting a divorce and it's imperative that they understand, number one, they are loved and they are wanted in your life all the time. You may not like some of their behaviors, but they are loved and important to you and eventually process with them. What is that behavior saying? Start to become more mindful of what's going on that might be triggering these behaviors. Is the child's behavior saying, hey, I'm not getting enough sleep because I'm up worrying all night or listening to the two of you fight? Or is it saying, I'm scared about what's going to happen and I don't have other outlets, so I'm just like right there all the time. And anytime somebody does something to trigger me, I let loose on them because I don't know how to cope with all of this anxiety I'm feeling. Or is it saying something else? But ultimately it's important to figure this out. Young children may see a parent being removed from the home as an indication of what will happen if they are bad. So if they make a mistake then, or if they're having behavioral issues at school or whatever, they may be afraid that they too are going to be divorced. It's important to explain to them that that's not how it works. Make sure they understand that the divorce is about the grown ups. It's not about them. It's not that either caregiver loves them any less. It's about the grown ups and the other parents a good person. It's also important to reinforce, again, they're not their behaviors. They are always loved and wanted in your life. You may not like all their behaviors, but they are always loved and wanted. They are not going to be divorced. They are not going to be rejected because of their behaviors. Structure and stability is also imperative. Disrupted circadian rhythms and routines can cause a host of emotional, behavioral, and even physical issues. It's important to remember that our circadian rhythms are set not only by the length of the day and when we go to sleep and wake up, but also by when we eat, the temperature, and even things we do during the day. So children do need that structure in order to maintain those circadian rhythms. Therefore, keeping things as stable as possible is really helpful. If you typically get up and do XYZ on Saturday, then when they're at parent numbers two, parent number two's house, there needs to be something similar happening. Ideally, in order to maintain that that rhythm. If the child will be moving between houses, consider having duplicates of things at both houses so they don't get to parent number two's house and not have something that's really important to them. Now, if it's something like a blanket or a stuffed animal, you, you may not be able to have a suitable replacement because sometimes it's just that one. I know my kids were that way. But sometimes you can have something that will do in a pinch. And don't let behavioral issues slide. It's imperative again, to be consistent. The child's life already feels chaotic enough. If they make poor choices, which, you know, children are want to do okay, it's important to discipline it, not say, oh, well, they did that because they're stressed out because of the divorce. I'll just ignore it and when things settle down, it'll be fine. No, it is imperative to maintain consistency so the child has that sense of safety and security, like, okay, the rules are staying the same. I know what's going on. It's also imperative when there are behavioral issues, again, to ask yourself, what is the child communicating with their behavior? Are they communicating that they are just angry at me beyond belief, but they don't know how to say it, or they're afraid to say it? What, what's this behavior communicating? And how can I help them communicate it with words or resolve it with other more appropriate actions? And a third thing, check yourself sometimes, many times, children react based on their caregiver status. So if you are much more stressed out, anxious angry, it could cause your child to feel anxious, fearful that you won't be able to support them, or, you know, they that you need their help and they don't know how to help you. So that creates a lot of anxiety. So check yourself. If you notice their behavior is suddenly changing, think to yourself what changed recently that coincides with their behavior change? And what might that behavior be saying to me? Parental unavailability is another thing. This is a physically and emotionally exhausting process for everyone. But it's vital that you don't check out. It is vital that you provide that emotional and interpersonal support. The child so needs right now consistent awareness of what's going on with the child. And that means hearing what they're saying, both through their words and their actions. If they're suddenly getting withdrawn and they. They're not usually withdrawn, what's going on. If they're suddenly being, you know, more gregarious or trying to be more helpful, you know, and to an extreme extent, what's going on there and hearing what that behavior might be communicating and responding to help them feel safe and empowered. Respond with empathy and validation. You may be really anxious or angry or depressed or something right now, and that's okay. You have a right to your feelings just like they have the right to theirs. And even if you don't think the child should feel anxious right now, or you don't think they have a right to be angry right now, well, that's you. It's important to validate how they feel and then say, okay, how can I help you feel safer? How can I help you deal with these feelings? And then again, create safety so the child knows that if they tell you how angry they are, it's not going to overwhelm you. You are a rock. You are a boulder, and you can take whatever they throw at you verbally. You may not like it, but it's not going to overwhelm you. And it's not going to make you not love them. Grief is also an important consideration during the divorce process. You have experienced a bunch of losses as a result of the divorce, even if you were the one that, you know, wanted the divorce, but the child also has. So it's important to recognize the losses, whether they're interpersonal. Maybe the child is not able to spend as much time with their friends because they're only at your house every other weekend. And that also changes their routine and changes the things that they did. They may feel different now that they are living. You know, their parents are divorced and they may need to grieve the fact that they've got less time with each parent because not only are they not living with each parent 24, 7, 365. But both of you, each parent has to do everything around the house, has to take care of all of those responsibilities that used to theoretically be split. So your time has a lot more demands on it. But it's important to understand this and work with it as best as possible to make sure that you're spending some quality time with that child on a consistent basis, that you're not getting so caught up in work and paying bills and cleaning the house and whatever else that the child feels like they get lost in the mix cognitively. Just like your concept when you got married that you would be with this person for the rest of your life. Well, that changed and you had to adjust your understanding of your relationship and your vision of your relationship with that person and, and your vision for your family and your child. Henceforth when the divorce occurred, the child too is having to change their understanding of relationships. And you know, why is it that two grown ups can not like each other's behaviors and one has to move out? But my caregiver can dislike my behaviors, but I'm not get gonna get pushed out of the house. I don't understand. So they're having to adjust their understanding of the world and of consequences and everything else. And environmentally they may have to grieve the loss of their stuff. And obviously you're probably not gonna sell their stuff. But for example, if they have a dog that they love very deeply and they sleep with every night and that dog can't go to parent number two's house, then when they're, when they're at parent number two's house, they may miss their dog and they may feel grief that they can't be with that animal. Powerlessness is another issue that we've talked about already a little bit, but it will continue to come up. Divorce is rarely democratic and the child typically didn't have a say in it. In general, it is not a good idea to put children on the spot and ask them, okay, which of us do you want to live with? If children are older, that might be possible, but my experience has been working with families that a lot of times that creates anxiety in the child. They don't want one parent to feel rejected, they don't want one parent to get angry. They're afraid of what the rejected parent might do. So that can be difficult for the child. That's generally not the first place that people are going to turn to to give a child power in these situations. You can however, allow the child to have a say in things that directly impact them to the extent possible, like how to decorate their new room or when we're spending our quality time together. What do you want to do for fun instead of me telling you what we're doing? Children are often afraid of hurting one parent's feelings. If you're going to allow them to make a choice between parents, it's imperative, imperative that the non selected parent accept the child's choice with grace and humility. And you may not say anything overtly, but you also need to be aware of all of your non verbals that may just kind of scream to the child, hey, you broke my heart. So again, you know, really consider the ripple effects of your intention to empower the child. Is it really empowering or is it putting them on the spot? Regularly remind children that it's okay, even expected for them to love their other parent and enjoy spending time with them. So it's okay. When you come home from parent number two's house, it's fine to tell me what you did and how, how good of a time you had and everything. And I'm glad that you have a good relationship with that parent. I'm not jealous. I don't feel insecure. I am glad that you are able to have a good relationship with that parent that will help the child not feel guilty for having fun with one parent or the other. Parental conflicts shield children from conflicts, whether they're about parenting or anything else. And certainly avoid making them take sides. If you've got a beef with the other parent, take it outside. Take it outside where the child's ears are not overhearing. Because sometimes you may say something that is insensitive and discuss it grown up to grown up and ideally down regulate your emotions before you come back in so you don't come in just seething because the child will pick up on that. And that energy can feel terrifying and overwhelming to the child. Watch your language and what it communicates to the child. If they do hear you discussing things. If you say things like that's more important to you than your kids are. The child hears that, the child internalizes that. Don't say that, even if that's what you believe. Make sure you're not saying that in front of the child because the child will internalize that as I'm not very important. Fake it till you make it. When important things come up, like recitals or graduations or holidays or even handoffs, it's important to be civil to prevent the child from having anxiety. You don't want to taint your child's recital or graduation by having them stressed out because they know the two of you are going to see each other or potentially have to interact and they're worried about how you're going to behave. And that's not. No, that's not okay. So it's important to remember it ain't about you and embrace the fact that both of you are showing up for the child and what it means for the child to feel support from both parents. Now, you don't have to sit together in the audience, but it's important that you are able to be civil if you run into each other so the child doesn't feel guilty for doing things that might force you to interact. Etc. Remember, children personalize things. They think it's my fault, they think I should do something to fix it. And so keeping your feelings in check during this situation, now if you're angry later, you can go process that, you know, with your friends or your therapist or whomever. But it's important for the child to be able to feel happy about what they're getting ready to do. And, and I mean everything from a graduation to just the handoff where they're going to spend time with the other parent, you don't want them to be anxious leading into that. Knowing that, oh, every time we have a handoff, it's, it's really stressful for everybody. Divorce marks the end of one thing and the beginning of something else for everyone in the family. For children, it often also represents a huge life change that is totally out of their control. Children need to feel safe and secure, that they are loved and will be cared for throughout this transition and empowered to speak up when they have a need. So there's a lot of stuff, and all this kind of goes back to that secure attachment. But there's a lot of stuff that children need to feel and experience during a divorce to internalize, to really believe, hey, I'm safe, I'm loved, and I'm not being rejected.