What to Do When You Love Your Therapist

Hey there everybody. This video is a response to a question that I got that is really quite common, and it involves developing feelings for your therapist, even if you're in a relationship, and how to deal with that. The question goes. I've been seeing my therapist for about three years. They've helped me with anxiety, relationship skills, and improving my communication. I think about them a lot. They have videos online that I watch to feel close to them. I replay memories of them to help me feel calm when I get anxious. The words I love you often come to my mind, which feels wrong since I'm in a relationship. I was even considering applying to jobs out of state, but decided not to because I don't want to lose my therapist. When I'm spending time with my partner, random memories from my therapy sessions will come to mind. My partner has even caught me daydreaming several times about my therapist, and I lied about why I was smiling. I think I'm particularly vulnerable to transference because I feel disconnected from my partner. We're two years into marriage counseling with a different therapist, focusing on my partner's problems and differences in our life goals. I understand it's best to tell your therapist if you're feeling too attached so they can help you work through the feelings. But but I'm not convinced that my therapist could adequately support me emotionally through this discussion. I frequently wished for more soothing responses than they've been able to offer. They tend to focus on cognitive support and solutions. I don't intend on acting to these on these feelings. I'm not even physically attracted to them. However, I'm uncomfortable with feeling so attached to someone who is not my partner, who isn't attached to me and is a temporary part of my life. I also don't know how I'll cope when I eventually have to stop seeing them. All right, so let's take this from the top. Therapeutic relationships for many people represent one of the first healthy relationships that people have ever developed. Therefore, the environment that's created helps you feel safe. It helps you feel secure, it helps you feel empowered and validated. All of those things are characteristics of secure attachment. And when you feel securely attached, when you feel secure in an environment, in a relationship that feels wonderful. And of course, we think about things that make us feel wonderful. Since you've been seeing your therapist for so long, they've also become a part of your life, whether you like it or not, that you are seeing them, I'm assuming once a week. And so it's like anything else you do once a Week. It doesn't mean that they are a romantic part of your life. It just means it's something that you do every single week. So it feels comfortable. It feels normal to be doing that all of the time. Okay? When you stop seeing your therapist, you'll have to replace that time with something else. But right now, let's just focus on the feelings. You think about them every day. Well, they're part of your life and they make you feel safe and secure. Who wouldn't think occasionally about people or relationships that make them feel safe and secure? And it sounds like since you're in therapy and you're also in marriage counseling, it sounds like there are a lot of other areas in your life in which you don't feel safe and secure and validated. So this is somewhere where your brain goes that says, hey, this is. This is the island that you can go visit where you feel accepted and safe. Okay? They have videos online that you watch to feel close to them. Now, this might be a little bit of a problem because now you're trying to have your therapist with you all of the time. Instead of recognizing what your therapist says is knowledge that you've gained and new tools that you have, you are wanting to bring them in spirit with you. And that is bordering, I guess, on what I would consider to be dependency. It's important to understand that when you've been in that relationship, when you've been in your therapy session and you've gotten anxious, your therapist has helped give you tools. They've provided support and security and comfort so you can learn how to manage your anxiety. It makes sense when you get anxious that you would think about what they said. When I get anxious about things, I think about what my daddy used to say or what my mother would have said. And so calling on those memories is not necessarily a bad thing. But recognizing it's not your therapist that's calming you down, it's the tools that your therapist gave you. You also mentioned that you think the words I love you when you start thinking about your therapist. I wonder if you love the feeling. If you love feeling safe and secure and empowered. And there are different types of love. I love my dog, I love my friends, I love my parents, and I love my spouse, all in very different ways. So thinking about what is it that you love? Is it the person? Which I really don't think it is. I think it is the feeling that you get when you are around them, where you feel safe, you feel supported. When I'm spending time with my partner, random Memories from therapy sessions will come to mind. And I've even been caught daydreaming. I. Okay, I would wonder when this is happening, when you're spending time with your partner, if you are feeling safe, secure, validated in the way that your therapist allows you to feel, your therapist has created an environment, a safe environment, so you can feel vulnerable, so you don't have to have your defenses up. And when you're spending time with your partner, I'm wondering if, because you feel vulnerable, spending time with your partner, if you're craving also the safety that you feel in that therapeutic relationship. Said another way, I'm wondering if you actually feel safe and validated when you're spending time together, and what can your partner do to help you feel safer, more secure, and more validated, because that seems to be the function that your therapist is fulfilling for you, both in session and out. You mentioned that you and your partner have been in therapy for several years, working on their issues as well as differences in life goals, which again tells me that there may be some chaos, some discord, some feelings of being unheard or rejected. I don't exactly know all the things that are going on, but because of that, it seems like what you're saying is in your relationship, you don't feel as safe as you do in your therapy sessions. And that is something to work on in your relationship counseling. Think about what it is that you get from your therapist that you really need in your marriage, in your relationship, and start working towards that as a goal in your therapy. You mentioned that you know, it's best to tell your therapist if you're feeling too attached so they can help you work through the feelings, but you're not convinced that your therapist can actually provide the emotional support. And I thought that was kind of interesting that you have feelings, you feel safe with this person, you feel heard with this person, you feel empowered, maybe in your therapeutic relationships, but you don't feel emotionally supported. And part of what I would suggest is talking about that with your therapist first and talking about how, you know, I really have gotten so much out of working together. However, when I talk about some things that are really emotionally charged, I don't feel like I'm getting the emotional support that I need and working with them to figure out what that looks like. What do you want them to do differently that they're not doing. That'll be a skill or something that you can also talk about in your marriage therapy because you want your husband to respond to you so you feel emotionally supported and so you can transfer that. But that is certainly something I would start with with your therapist. When I go through talk about these difficult things, this is how I need you to emotionally support me. Once you feel like they can emotionally support you, then you can potentially move into discussing the transference issues that you're. You've identified. If you don't feel like you can discuss it with your therapist, you may need to consider a referral if you believe that this is causing more hardships in your relationship. It sounds like it's kind of driving a wedge between you and your spouse because you're hoping your spouse will be more like your therapist. But. But you're not communicating that. And I'm wondering if your spouse started meeting those needs, if you would feel less reliant on your therapist if your spouse was able to provide that emotional support. And then you talk about how you're not sure how you're going to cope if you eventually have to stop seeing your therapist. And a lot of people worry about that. And this could be one of the reasons that you're not willing to talk with them about your feelings of attachment because you're afraid they will refer you out. And I, I'm not going to say it won't happen, but therapists are used to working through these sorts of things, so I wouldn't expect it would be an automatic reaction. It would be, okay, let's talk about what this means, let's talk about what this is doing. But in terms of actually terminating services, it's going to happen eventually. And what I do with my clients is I do a step down. We see each other weekly until they've made most of their progress or maximal progress. And then we see each other every other week for a month or two to make sure that they have solidified the gains and there's no problems. And they start feeling more comfortable implementing the tools that they learned in therapy, and they start realizing that they're doing it. It's not me doing it for them. It's not me giving them answers every week. They're actually able to take the information that they've learned and apply it. And then I move on to once a month. We do that once or twice. And then I generally say, okay, you've got this. Call me if you need me. I'm not discharging you and saying you can never come back. I'm saying you've reached a plateau. You've reached maximal gains for right now. So go forth, live your rich and meaningful life. And if you need to come back to address something else or for a tune up, so to speak. I'm here. All you've got to do is pick up the phone. And that makes people feel a lot safer in going out. If they know there's a safe home base they can return to. If they know that there's a therapist they've worked with that has been effective, then they're often more confident in going out and not continuing to see that person. They're not afraid of losing their place in line, so to speak. Those are really the suggestions I would have for you. Definitely will will be important at some point to talk to your therapist about the attachment issues. But as I said, you may want to first start by talking with your therapist about what you need in terms of emotional support so you can share with them some things that you've been holding back and then proceed from there. And whenever the termination does come, making sure that it is a gradual step down so you don't feel like you've just been kicked to the curb. I hope that's helpful.