YouTube Challenge : Developing Optimism : Live AMA

Foreign, Everybody. And welcome to yet another live wind. I'm sorry, it's not Wednesday yet. Live Monday, ama. Today we are talking about optimism. So while we wait for people to filter in, I am curious about your questions regarding the importance of optimism, how to develop optimism. You know, why in the world are we talking about optimism? I. I don't care. Or, you know, if you don't have anything you want to say about optimism, we can talk about. Talk about some other things. Hello, spacetime. Hello, Adriana. But let's start out talking about optimism. Optimism is seeing the glass half full, is having hope that things can change. Now, there is healthy optimism and there's toxic optimism. So let's start with toxic optimism, because the things that are not toxic optimism are probably healthy. Toxic optimism is saying that you're optimistic, saying that you're hopeful when you're not trying to fake hopefulness. And optimism that can be toxic. If you say, you know, it's all good and, you know, and I'm going to be optimistic even though I'm dying inside, that's toxic optimism. Optimism, again, is that actual belief, that sense of hope that you have that, yeah, things can get better or this happened for a reason that can help me move toward my rich and meaningful life. Optimism in its very basic, you know, low, low consequence issues. I planted my spring garden about a month ago, and about a week later, we had torrential downpours. I mean, incredible downpours, washed away all the seeds. I mean, just literally, I had gullies in my garden that were about eight inches deep. Oh, just so frustrating. And, you know, I tried to be optimistic that, all right, well, I'm gonna have to do a do over. I'm gonna have to replant everything. And this doesn't mean I can't have a garden this year. It just means I gotta start over, I gotta try again. And I took stock of the things that did survive. The few little squashes that managed to avoid the deluge and the tomato plants, most of my tomatoes actually survived. And I was grateful for that. So my optimism is that, yes, even though I had a setback, I can go forward. And I try to exercise optimism with a lot of things with my health. When I have cardiac issues, when I have an episode, as we call them around here, yeah, it's unpleasant, but I try to check myself and try to use optimism and recognize that, hey, I'm having them a lot less frequently now. That's. Bet that's good. I am able to down regulate them and get my heart heart rate back into regular sinus rhythm in a shorter period of time. That's good, too. Am I going to have another one in the future? Maybe. Probably. But we're going to hope for continued improvement. I'm going to be optimistic that things are going to continue to improve. Instead of taking that episode that I had this weekend and saying, well, screw it, things are going to go to hell in a handbasket again. And that's really what we're talking about. Trying to focus on the facts in this context at this time, focus on what you can control and acknowledge the things that are out of your control. And that is a key to healthy optimism, is to recognize that you can't control everything. And also, as I said earlier, to recognize that you don't have to be optimistic all the time. You don't have to lie and feign optimism. If you're lying about how optimistic you are, people can't help you. People can't help you. When you don't let them know that, hey, I, I'm struggling, I'm feeling really defeated right now. Then they can give you a hand up if you're feeling defeated. But if they don't know, if you say, oh, I got it covered, or, you know, this too shall pass, but inside you're going to not sure it will, there's a disconnect. So we need to live authentically anyhow. Hello, Jyoti. Hello, modern doll. Space time asks, how can I start seeing the good even when things are tough, and show that to my child? And that's a great activity. One of the wonderful things about children, and I don't know how old your child is, but young children, they're oblivious to a lot of things. And you can be having the worst day ever, and all of a sudden they'll be like, look at that fluffy cloud. And you're like, oh, yeah, there is something to be optimistic about. And, and part of that space time. Can we can go back to hardiness and defining what's important in your rich and meaningful life, recognizing that there's many things, we'll say 10 things just for simplicity, but probably a lot more than that. And on any given day, two, maybe three of them are not going so well, but that means seven are still going pretty well. So I'm going to be optimistic that there are things with these three that aren't going so well that I can change and, and, or that these three things will work their way out. Sometimes there's nothing you can do but wait. Sometimes you don't have the ability to control certain things. So you just hang on with hope that, all right, I've done everything I can, and I'm going to be optimistic that since I did my part, I'll be able to get through this and focus on the other seven things that are going well and say, well, since I can't do anything to change these three things, how can I use my energy instead to nurture those other seven things? And I use my example. A lot of tornadoes around here, because I really hate them. And it's. It's tornado season and we're in Dixie Alley. It's just. It is what it is. And I could be pessimistic and worry constantly that every time there's a storm, we're going to have hail and tornadoes and I'm going to lose roof tiles and fencing, and we've had all of those, and it sucks. However, I try to be optimistic, and I look back and I say, okay, over the last five storms, 10 storms, we haven't lost any roof tiles. We actually finally had good roofers come out here and do the job right. Imagine that. So now I don't even really think about roof tiles as much. When the wind starts kicking up, I'm optimistic that, hey, it was done right. We made sure that the roof was in good condition and it's going to be okay with the tornadoes. We have the downstairs bathroom set up with everything we need in the event that we have to shelter in place. And I recognize that I can't control the weather. Believe it or not, I cannot control the weather. And worrying about it is stealing energy from the people and things and experiences that are important to me. And I have to consciously turn my attention because you all know I'm a control freak and I control the weather if I could, but I can't. And forcing myself to say, okay, you know, all these past times, we've lived in this house for 14 years and we've had a couple tornadoes come really close, but hasn't hit us yet. So that's optimistic. And we have a plan set up to get through it safely that's optimistic. If the worst case scenario happens, would it suck? Yes. And we have homeowners insurance that's designed to protect us and help us get through if it happens. So being optimistic, knowing that it's good, yeah, it could be really unpleasant, difficult for a while. And I have a plan in place. I have a strategy in place to get through it that helps me say, okay, now I don't have to turn my attention to That I can look around and be more present. I don't have to worry about what might happen tonight at nine o'clock. I can focus on what's going on right now. Grounding exercises are really helpful. And you can do this with your kid, which is cool. And it doesn't matter how old your kid is. For this one, you can look around and identify five things that you see, four things that you hear, three things that you smell, or you can look around and identify all the things that are brown in your environment. You know, there's a lot of different ways you can ground, but the goal is to turn your attention to what is right now. When I'm driving or not. What? Not when I'm driving, but when I'm riding. My, my husband is, is loves to drive. He likes to be in control when we're in the car. So fine, he can drive and I can sit back and I can watch the fluffy clouds. Yes, at 50 plus years old, I still look at the clouds and try to figure out what little shapes I'm seeing. It's God's little Rorschach for us. But I enjoy it. It amuses me and it keeps me focused on the now. If I'm trying to figure out what shape it is, then I'm not thinking about this other stuff that I could be worrying about and wasting energy and. Or I can focus my attention on something else. And that is important to help kids recognize when they're mindful that some days are going to be awful. It's, I hate to say it, but it is. And they can get through it. And they can use their distress tolerance skills to recognize that they can sit with the feeling, they can be anxious, they can be angry, they can be whatever. And they can also focus on things that are important to their rich and meaningful life. You can take that anxiety about the test you've got to take at school or the speech you've got to make, whatever it is, you can be anxious about that. You can have a little bit of anxiety, but you can put that on the back burner because sitting there thinking about it for three days over the weekend and you've got this test or whatever on Monday, that's just going to wear you down. And we want to help children learn how to acknowledge their distress, recognize what they can and cannot control in the moment, and then turn their attention to, to something else. And 10 years old is a difficult time for children. It's, you know, the beginning for a lot of them these days of the hormone fluctuations and there's a lot going on with school, their upper elementary or beginning middle school, depending on. Depending on where they're at. And that should be like fourth or fifth grade here in the U.S. for those of you who aren't here. But that is a time of anxiety. And they are switching, if you look at Erickson's psychosocial stages of development, they're switching into a new stage of development and moving toward industry versus inferiority and, and I believe I have to go back through that one again. But in any event, they're trying to figure out what they're good at. They've already figured out how to take initiative. Now they need to figure out what they're good at. And that's a big question mark because you start doing things and if you fail, you can feel really anxious or you can feel anxious about trying, but because then you may feel anxious that you're going to fail. Defining what is important. Have that child define what is important in their rich and meaningful life. And it could be their dog, it could be their video games, it could be visiting grandma on over summer vacation. Identify the things that are important. And then when something h comes up, maybe they are getting ready to take a test or they have to give a speech, which can be really hard for somebody who's neurodivergent. Acknowledging how stressful that is and acknowledging that I believe you can do it, I am optimistic that you can do it and I love you even if you don't, it doesn't go so well. And looking at how it affects the things that are important in that child's rich and meaningful life, if it doesn't go so well, if that speech doesn't go so well, does it mean they can't go visit grandma over the summer? No. Has nothing to do with it. If the speech didn't go so well, does that mean they're not going to ever be able to play their video games again? No, it doesn't mean that. If their speech doesn't go so well, does it mean you're going to be angry at them? No. Now, there are other things that are important, like not being teased or feeling comfortable and accepted at school. So we want to talk about if your speech doesn't go so well, how's that going to impact those things and really help them identify the facts in context. You may feel like everybody's making fun of you, but is that the truth? Is that accurate based on what's going on? And a lot of times people will find out, adults and children will find out that when we make a mistake and we're embarrassed, we think everybody notices and everybody's talking about it. And in reality most people probably didn't notice and don't want to exert the energy to talk about it. We're very self aware because we're living in our own skin, so we notice what we did. It's like when you're giving a speech or singing a song and you forget the words and you just kind of ad lib it a little bit. You think everybody noticed, but in reality most people probably didn't notice at all. So helping children turn their attention to what they can control and examine based on the facts and context, how much things that are out of control, out of their control. If things go badly, how, how much is that going to negatively impact the things that truly matter in their life. So those are some steps you can take with it with a 10 year old. 10 year olds are old enough to start thinking, thinking more logically, but ultimately being compassionate, attentive, responsive, encouraging and safe is what's important. Creating that secure attachment. So junior knows that if I do great, Dad's going to cheer me on. If I fail, even if I fail in a big way, dad will be there to welcome me back and help me feel better. You it's, I'm not going to be rejected based on what I can or cannot do because I'm lovable for who I am. Will all of his classmates feel the same way? No. You know, children, especially at that age can be really harsh. But to, to use another phrase, as soon as the next thing happens, it's going to be the next news cycle and they're going to be focusing on somebody else. So just let it ride that people may say something that day or not and they will very quickly forget about it. Your son won't forget about it very quickly because it happened to him and he's probably ruminating on it. Addressing those ruminations is another thing you can do to help him develop hope. Looking at what happened, learning from, from what happened so he can feel safer and more empowered the next time it comes up and more hopeful that he can do it the next time. And lt's right. It's great to restart from the reality of how things are. Linehan says that change is the only constant. And if we just accept what is right now and ask ourself how, what can I do to improve the next moment? There are some things, as I said, you may not be able to change, but there are some things that you can do to improve the next moment, like quit focusing on something you've got no control over. Hello to roller girl from Las Vegas. Always wonderful to see you. What other questions do people have? I see we've got pretty low attendance today. So I'm wondering, you know, what people want to talk about, what I can be of service with. Might as well make. Make use of the sort of individual time with me since there aren't a whole lot of people. J asked a very good question. If we look at our failures in a positive way, is it an optimistic thinking? I believe so. I can look at my failures and I can learn from them. I can look at things that I've not done well, and I can say, hey, that's not my thing. I'm not an artist. I am not. My aunt is a professional artist. My daughter, as you all know, because I've bragged about her before, she is incredibly talented, and she didn't get that from me. And I can look at the things that I haven't done well, and I can say, well, that's not something that I'm supposed to do. We all have different talents. My husband, as I've told you all about many times before, he. He is one of those people who is steady state. He's. It's really hard to get him riled. And that is a superpower for him. That's not me. You know, I tend to be a little bit more all over the place. And is that positive or negative? You know, within reason. It's not a bad thing. But we're different. And I can recognize that when things get really stressful, it is amazing to have him there to sort of serve as the rock. We've been going through some family stuff with his. His side of the family lately, and there were a couple of times that I was like, honey, why don't you just go down there because. And be the voice of reason? Because that's what he does well. And I can look back on times when I've been a little bit too dysregulated, and I can recognize, yeah, I was probably a little over the top there. And I can learn from it. I can look back and say, what caused me to be a little bit over the top? How can I learn from it so I can react within a better range the next time? And. And I think that ability to learn from our mistakes because we have them, to learn from our failures because we're going to. If. If you step outside your comfort zone, you're going to fail sometimes. But that means you got outside of your comfort zone and good on you. That means you tried to do something that was hard or that you'd never done before, and maybe it went well, maybe it didn't, but good on you for trying. And that's optimism. That's saying, I'm going to try something, and if I do, great, wonderful. If I fail, no harm, no foul, because I am a good person and I am lovable for who I am, not what I succeed or fail at. So that was the really long version of, yes, I totally think that is optimism. Healthy optimism, toxic optimism. You know, the best way to identify that is it makes you feel bad when you tell everybody everything's okay and you try to fake it till you make it, and it just. You're not living authentically, and that is toxic. We need to be in touch with our feelings so we can address them. We need sometimes help. Believe it or not, we were not designed to do everything always all by ourself. That's just not the way we were created. And by using toxic optimism, we can confuse ourselves into thinking that we need to be. We're supposed to be able to handle it. And we can also push away people who could help us because we're not telling them, hey, I need help here. I'm feeling vulnerable. I'm feeling defeated. But that is a. That was a great, great question. Ultimately, when you're being optimistic, does it make you feel better? And we can be toxically optimistic with other people. And that's something I really haven't talked about yet. But when you are espousing toxic optimism, you're telling people to look on the bright side, and you're ignoring their pain. Healthy optimism acknowledges the pain and acknowledges what they've got working for them. It looks at the good and the bad, not just the good, and in pessimism, not just the bad. So you're embracing the entire picture of. Of what's going on. And we want to make sure that when we interact with others, even though we may not want them to hurt and we may want to take hurt away and get them to turn their attention to something else, we need to acknowledge their distress, what they can control in that situation, or help them figure out what they can control in that situation and help them also turn their attention to those other things that are important in their rich and meaningful life. That may be going well. You know, you screwed up and you got arrested for something. I don't know. I'm not really good with criminal justice analogies, but we'll go with it. You wanted to go to law school and you know that an arrest and law school don't seem like they're compatible. But hey, with this arrest, you might have the opportunity to go through a pre trial diversion program and get it wiped off your record. So therein is optimism, seeing options for how to solve the problem that don't prevent you or don't block you from moving toward your rich and meaningful life. Lt asks when people are critical of me, how can I not just take it? Yes, choose my battles, but freezing in that moment means I'll ruminate later. Totally get it. When people are critical of me, of you, it may feel like a direct attack, and maybe it is, maybe it's not. What I try to do is remember that communication and behavior. Communication is communication and behavior is communication. So if somebody is being critical of me, first, I try to step back and take my ego out of it and ask myself, is there anything useful in what they have to say? There may be. And if there is, great. I'll take what's useful and leave the rest. Or I'll try to leave the rest. And Adriana and my husband can both tell you I'm not good at that. So I'm with you on this. I've got a thin skin and, and I do get. I do get sensitive. So when people are critical of me, what I try to do is hear them, try not to get defensive right away, figure out is there any. Anything valid to what they're saying right now, and if so, take what's useful, leave the rest. If there's nothing valid. I also try to explore what might that be saying. Are they being critical of me because they feel vulnerable, because they feel threatened by me in some way, so they want to make sure to take me down a notch or keep me unsteady? And it may not be a conscious decision on their part. Maybe I remind them of some. Somebody that they just truly despise from their past, and so they're projecting that on me. And they're going to be critical of me because. Because I remind them of so and so. Okay, well, that's their stuff, not mine. I try to remind myself that other people's opinions of me are none of my business. And that is really hard. That is really hard because I was raised in an environment where, you know, you needed to be a little hypervigilant and you cared about what other people thought, maybe to an extreme. So it is hard for me to let things go. I've gotten better over the years. With not taking every cross eyed look to heart and feeling like I've got to fawn to that person to try to get their approval, to keep them from getting mad or to make them like me. I've started to realize that there is no way, it's not reasonable to expect that everybody's going to like me or that anybody's going to like me all the time. And that's okay. I don't need everybody to like me and I don't need anybody to like me all the time. There were times my kids didn't like me. I'm sure there's times my husband doesn't like me. And yes, I would like to minimize those. But we have a secure relationship, so it's okay for them to dislike things that I've done. All right, so going back to that. When they're critical, try to recognize that you're safe. Because when you feel like you're unsafe, you start getting defensive. That people do. That's just normal human, normal live creature behavior. When you feel vulnerable, you start getting defensive. Okay, they were being critical. I would encourage you to think back to times in your past when people have been critical of you and it's been a big deal. You know, maybe you grew up in a, in a household with very critical caregivers and so you have an element of anxious, avoidant attachment or maybe you have more than an element, I don't know. But when people crit criticize you in the present, it can reopen those own those old wounds. Which is why we go back to facts in this context at this time. Do you need this person's approval? In what situations would you need this person's approval? You move out of that moment, you navigate that moment and you find that you're ruminating on what was said. There are a few things you can do. You can refuse to acknowledge it, you know, you know, already covered that. Not going back there or that's on them. I'm not letting them rent space in my head or live in my head rent free. Whatever phrases you want to use, you can do that. You can acknowledge the thought, but turn your attention to something else. You know, all right, that's not important anymore. What's important is focusing on my kids right now or my dog or whatever, doing something positive that's important in your rich and meaningful life. One of my favorites is to write it down and then put it in a box. And if you want to ruminate over it, set aside rumination time. You know, 20 minutes a day or something. And you can go look at it, write it down for some reason, and we still don't totally understand why, but for some reason when we write things down, it's almost like our brain has taken that memory that we had in our short term memory and we've moved it to another hard drive and it's just going to park over there. And we don't. It doesn't come up in any of our searches anymore because it's not on our C drive. I know I'm mixing my metaphors today, but hey, bear with me. So that's another thing you can do. You can also counter that behavior, counter that statement that you heard that was critical. You can acknowledge any parts that were accurate. But then you can also, accurately, to yourself, I'm not talking about to the other person, to yourself, acknowledge all the things they got wrong and this is going on, and I'm good at this. That can also be helpful because it balances the potentially constructive feedback, even if it wasn't delivered constructively, with the other things you know about yourself to be good, to be, not needing correction. Optimistically, you can respond to their unkindness in the moment by taking a breath. It's like, okay, remember, when somebody says something that triggers us, it triggers our stress response. We start feeling defensive, we start feeling vulnerable, threatened, whatever word you want to use. All right, take that breath. You can say something like, I hear your point or I will take your feedback under consideration. Find a phrase that acknowledges, I heard you, but doesn't necessarily say, oh, I agree with you. I'll take your feedback under consideration. Now, if they were, there's a difference between criticism and, well, constructive criticism, criticism and just nastiness. It may be important to, if somebody criticizes you either at that time or probably more likely at a later time when the two of you are not, you know, triggered to say, I hear your point. And it would be more helpful if you had feedback for me to present it in this way. I felt attacked when you said this. It would be more helpful if you said it in this way. Not everybody's gonna hear that and respond to that, but it can be helpful. If you feel like the way they're delivering the information is triggering you, you can consider that. So, you know, backtracking, acknowledge what they've said. Thank you for the feedback. I'll. I'll take that under consideration. And then walking off or trying to excuse yourself from the situation, that gives you a minute or more to downregulate and think about the context. The crux of what they said, even if they didn't say it nicely, you can think, was there anything to that? If not, you know, if they were completely out in left field, they were responding to rumor or assumptions, then at a point when you feel grounded, you may say, go back to them and say, you know, I'd really like to talk about this thing and, and clear up a few things that can be really helpful too. In the workplace, even at home, especially if you've got a lot of siblings, a lot of stuff can get misconstrued and, and sometimes people make assumptions based on faulty input and, and it's important to clear that up. But trying to clear it up when you're on the defensive usually doesn't go well, which is why hearing it, stepping back, pondering it for a second, and then acknowledging it when appropriate can be helpful. And it is not easy. It sounds easy, it's not easy to do because our gut reaction is to stand up for ourselves. And when we're feeling, when we're feeling defensive, when we're feeling attacked and criticism for most of us can feel threatening, can feel attack, attacking. Because we have been raised in a culture where our approval of ourselves and our approval by others is often based on what we do, not who we are. They're based on conditions of worth. And that's not healthy, but that's how we were raised. And we've got to start separating what we do from who we are. If I screw up and my boss criticizes me and said, snipes, you really, you really screwed up, am I going to feel bad about it? I'm going to feel self conscious. Yes, I am. But I need to separate what I did, I did a bad thing from who I am. I'm not a bad person. I did a bad thing or I did this thing in a way that you don't approve of or don't agree with, which may have some merit to it or may, it may be your stuff because there are multiple ways to solve the problem. And that's a decision that you've got to make on a case by case basis. Their motivations are often, when people are critical, are often self defense because they feel threatened by you in some way. It could be self defense because you're triggering memories of somebody from the past. And when you talk you sound just like, or you look just like some nemesis from the past. So they are defending themselves from that past person and they don't realize, could be that they're intentionally being mean. And I, I hate to say that, but Some people are. Some people do because they're that unhappy that they want everybody else to be unhappy with them. If they get criticized, they're going to make sure everybody else they run into that day gets criticized too. To bring everybody down to the same playing field, it's unfortunate and, and that's a kind word for it, however it happens. But it has nothing to do with you. It's all in their own head. And again, 99 of the time when somebody is nasty to you, it has most a lot more to do with them than it does with you. It has more to do with their security or their insecurities. It has to do with their memories, their traumas, their perceptions, and not necessarily with what you did to check yourself. Did I do something that requires correction? If so, okay, you know, I'll take steps. And if not, what do I need to do to stay safe right now? And what do I need to do to prevent further problems in the future? Which may mean setting boundaries, it may mean clarifying things, it may mean just letting this go because you know that other person, when you step back and you think about it, you recognize that other person was just in a really bad place that day for whatever reason, and you're like, okay, we all have those days where we maybe aren't on our our best behavior. How to Manage Goals and Stay on Task with Addict Part of this thing with a ADD is that your reward systems are a little bit different than our reward systems. Chunking things can be really helpful. Making lists can be really helpful so you can see what needs to be done and you can check it off and get through it. Having an accountability partner can be helpful. Eliminating clutter can be really helpful. People with ADD have difficulty filtering out extraneous stimuli, and when you're sitting in a pile of clutter, there's a whole lot more to catch your attention. Creating Workspaces if you need to focus on something that are non distracting, that includes pulling the blinds down so you don't see the little birdies flying by or the fire trucks going by. Wherever you're at, turn turning on or off music. Some people with ADD or ADHD say it helps them focus if they've got music on in the background. If not, their mind is going 16 ways. Other people say music in the background just distracts them. Some people prefer instrumental, other people prefer music with words. Whatever it is that works for you is going to be very helpful. Being reasonable with your goals and learning how to now that you recognize that you've got some ADD Characteristics, trying to figure out what things you can do to best address those issues. And I encourage you to go back to watch, watching some of the videos I have on trau symptoms because trauma and ADD and ADHD overlap a lot. And make sure that your ADD symptoms aren't in actuality hypervigilance and stress related responses due to past trauma. Well, hello, Unice. I'm glad to have you here. From Zambia. Wonderful to see you. And lt if somebody is yelling at you that you're stupid, stupid, stupid. That's not even criticism. That is verbal abuse. How do I change stupid? I don't know what you mean. You need to give me. That's like me walking into my son's room when he was little and saying, this room's a mess, clean it up. And he'd look around and go, looks fine to me. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. So we need, if somebody's going to give us criticism, they need to provide it in observable, measurable, objective terms. What is it? If you think I'm lazy, okay, what am I doing or not doing that gives you that impression? So. Or what would you prefer that I do that I'm not doing that gives you that impression? I. Identifying targeted behaviors. In, in our house, we weren't supposed to use the word stupid ever. Because it is, it's just nasty. It's, it's aggressive and it doesn't communicate anything. So getting specifics on what is it that you think I did or said or believe that is leading you to the conclusion that I'm stupid. And by the way, let's try not to use that word. And I'm not sure to whom you're referring if it's a boss or a spouse or, you know, and depending on the role that person has, you may have to navigate it somewhat differently. But it is okay to set boundaries and say that hurts. And it's not helpful when you say stupid. I need you to tell me specifically what is it that I did wrong or said wrong that you disagree with so I can decide what to do about it. And there are a couple of good. Well, there's probably several, but I know there are a couple of good YouTube channels that specifically address executive functioning and organization for people with adhd. And a lot of what ADHD comes down to is organization, getting things together so you can figure out how to plan it. A lot of people with ADHD or add, there are certain things that they are interested in and they can just get lost in those things. I mean, they My son, when he starts his writing, I can lose him for hours or even an entire day if I don't. If I didn't check on him when he was younger because he would just get into it that much. But when it came to doing his lessons, it was like pulling teeth because he wasn't interested. It didn't mean anything to him. It wasn't rewarding or stimulating in any way. And recognizing those things, recognizing that people with ADD and ADHD tend to have something called time blindness, which means they have difficulty judging how much time it takes to do different things or how long they've been doing something. With Sean, we would, I'd have dinner ready and I learned to call him early. I'm like, sean, dinner's going to be ready soon. And he okay. And then I'd give him another warning, right? But dinner's going to be ready in five minutes, okay? And I'm setting the dinner on the table. I'm like, sean, dinner's ready now. He's like, okay, just let me finish the mission. No, you're not finishing the mission. Pause your game and get down here. But in his mind, that 15, 20 minutes lead time that I had given him was like two seconds. It just went by in no time flat. I believe for my own sanity that he wasn't trying to be disrespectful. He is a very kind hearted person, but he just was oblivious to how much time had gone by in his adult life. He's, he uses timers a lot and he has found, and I will share this with you, that is really awesome. He's found that he's created this basically, basically token economy like he had when he was a kid. And he has a certain amount of free time that's non allocated. But if he wastes time doing other things then he loses his free time. And he explained it a lot better to me, but. Oh, and if he wastes time, he loses that equal amount of free time and then that same amount again. So it's double the time. If he wastes 30 minutes, then he loses an hour of free time and he has to focus that on, on work tasks, which I, I thought that was a little harsh. But he does use this economy where he gives himself points for accomplishing tasks and that helps him earn his free time. And if he doesn't accomplish things, then he loses double the points. That's how he explained it. So I mean, that may be too convoluted for you, but it works really well for him. And I'm Glad that he's finally found a system that works for him now that he's. He moved out and he's living independently and working a job and getting ready to go back to school. So he has to have his own ability to manage his time. And the punishment of not being able to spend as much time doing the things that he likes really keeps him in check. So for that. And lt if it was a fellow student that said you did something wrong, going back to the facts, all right, if I did something stupid, I am, you know, I'd love to learn from it so I don't do it again. But I need you to clarify for me what was it that I did or didn't do that was stupid? That way I can correct that error because I can't correct it if I don't know what I did wrong. And that's a fair question. That is a fair question. If your boss gave you your annual review and it was all ones and there was no explanation, he was just like, here, you suck. Sign it. You'd be like, what? I thought I was doing a good job. In my treatment plans as well as in my staff evaluations, I always use the phrase as evidenced by we'll do this. As evidenced by will have accurate documentation, as evidenced by a score of no less than 99.54 on all chart audits. Now that's a did you do it or did you not do it? So then if the person doesn't do it, I can say, okay, you failed at that. Let's look at how to remediate it. All right, everybody, thank you so much for being here today. I really appreciate the interactivity from all of you. I appreciate Roller Girl LT for asking questions. Jyoti for asking questions earlier. Space time. You too. We didn't have a lot of people here today, but the blessing with that is it gives people who are here more time to actually get questions answered and follow up on questions that I have answered. So, hey, you know, I will see you next Monday, same time, same station. And if you're interested in, you know, the in depth stuff, remember on Wednesday we always do the oh goodness. The live counselor education webinar. Please remember to like the video. Please remember to share the channel. I have videos on most all topics from vitamin D to anxiety and ADHD and everything in between alphabetically. And if I can help people find that information, it's a win win. They get help. They get some information and it helps the channel. So anything you can do to help your friends, colleagues, doctors, counselors, pastors, find the channel would be. I'd be super grateful for. So everybody have a good day and I will see you next.