YouTube Challenge : Get Over the Pain of Being Ghosted : Live AMA

Foreign. Welcome, everybody, to today's Monday Live. Ask me anything. It has been a little bit of a minute since we have met. I know I had to cancel, and then last week was a holiday. So I'm excited to hear what has been going on in your lives and what I can do to help you live your richest and most meaningful life. Hello, Tress. Always good to see people. Is there anything specific I can answer or address for you? I know today's topic is on getting over the pain of being ghosted, so I guess I'll start out by talking about that a little bit. Ghosting is not something that is really all that new. It just seems to be more in our face now. Back in the 70s, the 80s, the 90s, when people would go out once or twice and they decide, hey, I don't really like this person. Sometimes they just would quit answering their phone calls. So ghosting is not a new concept. Unfortunately, it's become a lot more prevalent because the culture of Tinder and Bumble and all those things make people think that the next best thing is right around the corner. So instead of trying to work something out, instead of trying to get to know somebody, the first second, the first instance that people start feeling like they are not enjoying themselves, like this isn't fun anymore, they cut bait. And that can cause people to feel inadequate. It feels like you're getting ghosted a lot because you've got people that just, you know, they catch a fish, they reel it in, they're like, nah, that's not the one I wanted. Throw it back, try again. And so if you're on those social media platforms, you may get ghosted a lot. And most of the time, it's likely not personal, it's likely not due to you. It's more that other person doesn't know what they want or they're just playing around, they're having fun, and they never intended on connecting with you. So it's important to examine at what point in the relationship are you getting ghosted? Is it the first three days that you're talking? You know, that really indicates the other person didn't have a significant level of commitment. Probably. Or after you've been talking for, you know, weeks or months, you. That's a little bit different. And also exploring, even if it was after a couple of days, what happened, thinking about it, were, did it seem like the two of you were connecting or clicking? And if so, okay, maybe you were, but they found some. Something else that they wanted to chase. Think about, I take my dog to the dog park, and he can get completely just overwhelmed with everything out there. It's like, there's a dog, there's a frisbee, there's a ball, and he doesn't follow anything. It's not that he doesn't like the frisbee or the ball or the other dog. He just wants to chase everything and can't figure out how to do it. My point being, it's important that we consider how much we're personalizing things that really have nothing to do to do with us. Anyhow, that was the stated topic for today's live Ask me anything. But as always, that just gives us an intro, and I am open to answer questions on all things mental health, behavior modification, goal setting, coaching, all that stuff. So please bring it on. Hello, Courtney. And I hope that you are also having a wonderful day or night, wherever you are. Courtney says, since dating after divorce, I've been ghosted multiple times. And it's so hurtful that nobody wants to give me a chance. And I think it's rude to me. Yeah, it's very rude. Now, culturally, let's get into culture a little bit. I was raised in the 80s, you know, back when we had phones that were hooked to the wall with a cord and we called each other, and when you were on a phone call with somebody, you didn't just set the phone down and go walk away and start doing your own thing or just hang up on people, which is something that's very prevalent in the texting culture today. You can be in the middle of a discussion, talking with somebody, and then all of a sudden, they stop. Stop responding. And it's like, did I say something wrong? Did you drop dead? What's going on? When maybe they just decided they were finished talking but didn't have the courtesy to say, hey, I've got to go do some other things. I'll. I'll talk to you later. And it's important that we don't assume that people understand where we're coming from. I communicate to people. If they do that once, it would really make me feel a lot better if when we're talking and you decide you've got some something else to do, you're done talking, that you just tell me, ttyl talk to you later, and that's good. I'm gone that way. I'm not waiting for you to text back after I say something. And a lot of times that's been met with, oh, okay, sure, no problem. It just wasn't something that was in their repertoire. Now there are other people that are just being rude or they are afraid to tell you, hey, this doesn't seem like it feels like a good connection. So instead of telling you that, they just quit responding. And like I was saying earlier, that used to happen back be long before we had the Internet and cell phones. And it was no less painful back then. But it's more prevalent now than it used to be because people don't try to work for or work through anything culturally. I've seen even people going to jobs if there at the job and it doesn't seem fun anymore. They go to lunch and they never come back. And it's like, okay, you know, my generation never would have done that. We would have at the very least told somebody, you know, this isn't for me, I quit. But just going to lunch and never coming back and ghosting your employer, oh my gosh, that's disrespectful. And there is an element of respect. But again, I think it's important that we don't assume the person is playing by the same rule book or respect book, manners book that we were raised with, especially if we were raised in that generation before, before cell phones and texting and all that stuff. It's also important to take into consideration the other person's baggage. There are a lot of people online who are looking for the right person or maybe just somebody for today, whatever they're looking for, who may have a lot of anxiety, who may have a lot of anxious attachment, who may have a lot of stuff going on as a result of their prior relationships. So things may be going well between the two of and they get scared and they just, they ghost you because it's too much for them to cope with. Relationships are a two way street. And if you are keeping the path open on, on in your lane and that other person goes away, we need to consider what was their part in the ghosting instead of assuming it's it's all about us and considering examining what is common. What do we have? What are the common traits between the people who might be ghosting you versus the other ones? I have a friend who was doing online dating and he got on there and he said every woman he talked to, but you know, that's obviously a distortion. But a lot of the people he talked to pretty much started out it was hey, how you doing? Hello, let me tell you all the things that I won't do and I won't tolerate and I won't blah blah blah. And he would just be like oh, no, ain't gonna go there. And yes, he would ghost them. Instead of saying, that's a whole lot of negativity. It seems like you got to work through. And. And that's another important thing thing. If you're talking to somebody and they come at you in the conversation with a whole lot of done me wrongs and I won't do this, and I'm not repeating this mistake again. They got a lot of baggage. It sounds like they haven't worked through. If it's coming up early in the conversation, that may be a conversation that's appropriate after you've been talking for a couple of months. Bergamot says, I've been ghosted back when I used to use dating apps. I don't use them anymore, but I remember it being very hurtful. It is. It is really hard. No matter how much your logical brain says how much of that belonged to that person. No matter. No matter how much of your logical brain says, yeah, that person was a hot mess and I probably dodged a bullet there. It's still hurtful when I. When somebody just disappears. Courtney says, I've had men ghost me, but I think they're the same kind of men I'm always attracted to. I'm starting to see my pattern of attracting the same kind as my ex husband. Like my dad and my stepdad. Etc. My dad and stepdad were very narcissistic. My ex was too. So these people love bomb me and I think, wow, we really connect. Then, poof, they ghost me. Great point. Online, it is so easy to tell people what you think they want to hear. It's so easy to love bomb people online when you don't have to actually walk the walk. All you got to do is talk the talk. That's very true. And we also want to consider, not that I'm completely against dating apps. I know some people have found the loves of their life there, but we also have to consider the pool that we're pulling from, how many of those people actually are on that app because they have some character flaws, like narcissistic traits that make it impossible for them to sustain a relationship. Irl. Yeah, Those of us who grew up in the 80s, it is a. It is something of a culture shock. And, you know, I have talked with my son, my kids about it, about texting and stuff. And even with them, I had to tell them, when you're done talking, just tell me, you know, hey, Ma, I gotta go do some laundry or I'm gonna go play a video game or Just, I'm done talking that way. I'm not sitting there waiting for you to text back and say something because I don't want to miss your message and feel like you and have you feel like I'm ignoring you. So it would be helpful to me. Just let me know, Just let me know. And you know that that went a long way. They are respectful of that when they remember. But I also don't take it personally with when, when they forget. Especially if, like I'm texting my son and he's at work, if he doesn't remember all the niceties. I get it. And there are online dating. It just bewilders me sometimes. I know people who've talked to somebody online for like a few days and then they set up a time to meet and the other person doesn't show up. They don't text and say, hey, I'm not coming, nothing. They just no show. Well, how rude. There seems to be a. Because. Well, my hypothesis is that because you're not having that direct contact, eye contact oxytocin release that is essential for forming bonds for. I think it's easier for people to just think of you as almost like an AI on the other end of the, on the other end of the text. I'm texting with this, you know, no face, no name kind of person. And yes, you've got a face and you've got a name and you've probably sent pics, but they're not real, they're not tangible. And for a lot of people, they may get on dating apps and they get pictures and whatever of somebody, they may even video chat with them, but it's still not real and not tangible till they meet in real life. Because you don't know how old those pictures are or how many filters they got going on on their, on their video chat. So there's a certain element of anxiety before you meet up with somebody in real life. That's a good observation, Bergamont. People online are disinhibited. What things they would do in real life they wouldn't do in. They wouldn't do in real life. They do online. And I like your phrase that they treat you not as a person but as an option. You know, it's like, do you want fries or a salad with that? You know, today I'll take this one. I feel I'm worth more than that. I feel I deserve a little bit more consideration than what sides are you going to have with your, with your entree? So the question is, where do you meet people and how do you keep from getting ghosted? And I'll be honest, I think a lot of people who are older may have more difficulty finding other people who not only have baggage, because we all have baggage. Not only have baggage, but have their baggage under control that are still single and available. And I mean, once you start lining all that stuff up, you realize that you're kind of looking for a needle in a haystack. Not that they don't exist, but if you're pulling from a less healthy group of people, it may take more time to find someone who has their proverbial ducks in a row. Hello, Chris. Meeting people is really difficult, especially in this digital world where a lot of people text online. Getting people to like leave the house is a challenge. And there are websites like meet me. I know that. Or meet up. I'm sorry. Meet up. And that was big for a while. I don't know how big it is now where you could meet up with people who shared similar interests. There was in our area, there were two meetups for game night. There were multiple hiking meetups for people who enjoyed hiking. There were a couple that revolved around cooking. You know, those are my. Those are some of my interests. So those are things that I looked at. I know there's a card game right now. Oh, I can't think of the name of it. It's something that my daughter's brother in law plays. Magic the Dragon or something. Anyway, there's a meetup for that. You can also go on Facebook on your local community page. Sometimes you will find things posted there. I'm a member of several groups on Facebook. I know some of the younger people don't like Facebook anymore, but it's a great place to find local businesses and local happenings. You know, I'm into organic farming, so I'm a part of several of those groups. And sometimes there will be regional get togethers or conferences. When I was homeschooling my kids again, we had regional get togethers and conferences we could connect with. And there were people in all of those. Even the homeschooling group, there were single parents. There are single people that are just trying to meet other human beings in real life. They don't want to be chained to having a virtual relationship for the rest of their life. Other organizations in town, Habitat for Humanity. If you volunteer, you can go on your lo. Your local volunteer board. Most counties have one. Habitat for Humanity is a great one that you can get involved with. Your local churches or community centers may have activities where you can volunteer and meet other people who have a heart for some of the same things you do. I've done animal rescue for years, decades, actually. And I have met some of the most charming, wonderful people through animal rescue, both fosters and other rescuers like myself. But also, when we do the adoption events, the people that come to adopt these animals, connecting with them, they want to save abandoned animals, we want to save abandoned animals. You know, it's a great, great fit. So, you know, I'm all about animal rescue and adopting animals out and stuff like that. But you do have to get creative and just kind of keep your eyes open for where might you be able to meet someone? Some people meet at coffee shops. You know, coffee shops have kind of become the new bars, I think, in many ways, where people will go to the same coffee shop every day before work or after work or on Saturday, and you get to know the people that frequent that particular coffee shop. Good morning, Pratt. Good morning, Chile. What other questions do y' all have about. We can continue to talk about ghosting or.