Developing EQ (Emotional Intelligence) | #08

Foreign. Hi, I'm Dr. Natalie, and today we're speaking about developing your EQ. That is your emotional intelligence. I think when it's time to develop your skills that are practical, this is the first thing and the most important thing. If there's one skill you're going to work on this year, may it be your emotional intelligence. You know, these days I talk about soft skills. I think back in the day, it used to be about technical skills like maths and engineering and hard things. But these days, employability studies show the most important thing are your soft skills. And number one is emotional intelligence. Sometimes they even break that down further into, like, subtopics. But in a general, I think it's about understanding you and how you interact with other people, because it's people who are running organizations and companies and businesses. It's people who are making decisions about teams and promotions and clients and sales. You're not interacting with a computer most of the time or with the building or with a brand. It is a human being. So how you interact with human beings is the most important thing that is going to affect your career and your personal life. So take it seriously. I cannot encourage you enough. In my own life, I have noticed that, that this is something that makes a huge difference. I always joke that my job is cheap of problems, but honest to God, my job is managing people and getting people to be motivated to understand what they're supposed to be doing, to calm them down, to reassure them, to encourage them, to inspire them. And once people are moving in the way that they're supposed to, the whole company does. And I can see these differences in every aspect of my life. I was lucky enough that a mentor told me this when I was doing my masters. She was like, don't waste your time on technical things. Whatever job you get or whichever company you work in, you can always do a course. You'll have a boss. They'll teach you all the technical things. Work on your soft skills, work on your emotional intelligence, because that's what's going to differentiate you and other people, and it's going to give you an edge in your career. So thank you, Auntie Taka. That was amazing advice. I hope everyone can take some time to learn this. There's books about it, there's YouTube videos, there's podcasts, there's Twitter accounts. There's so much you can learn in this field. Field learn how to manage yourself and others, how you interact, where your energy is going, how you are reading people, how people are reading you. You know, now that I teach about communications. Communication is not just what you're saying, it's making sure other people understand what you're saying. Are other people getting the message from you the way you intend it to be? Just because you gave the facts and you said what needs to be done? Are the people around you understanding? Because a lot of the time we are very self involved. Everyone sort of sees life from their own lens, with their own bias. And when you're doing things or saying things, you're assuming everyone understands what you mean by it. We've all had those emails or calls or meetings where someone is using all these abbreviations and you don't know what the RFT is, but you're scared to ask. Now whose fault is that? The person who keeps saying it or the person who doesn't understand it? You're now missing each other. So now you leave that meeting not knowing what RFT is, and yet it's something that's your responsibility to do. What are you gonna do? So these are the small things that you can work on for yourself to make sure you interact better with the world. And again, life is all about delicate balance. You want to make sure that you are communicating well and that people are understanding you. If you spend too much time adjusting yourself for everyone, you're never going to be authentic. And you're also going to lose the message if you keep changing it specifically. But also if you don't read the room, you're not going to be able to effectively get what you're saying across. You've come into a room, there's a negative energy. People have been fighting about something, you don't even notice. Now you're giving them new information. Are they listening? Are they understanding? Do they want to? Is there a huge obstacle that you're not addressing? And now you've gone straight to the point that's going to interfere with how people are hearing you. Remember, we are dealing with human beings. Human beings try to be mind, like mind oriented. We try to be organized, logical creatures, but we're really not. Human beings are run by emotions. So now if someone has had a hard day or hard morning at home and has come to work with their bad mood, and now you're giving them all this stress and work in an abbreviated form that they don't understand, and then you want to come back next week and ask them for it, you're both going to be disappointed. So reading the room is a huge part about managing people, managing teams, and getting what you need effectively. If you have one way of Communicating. And that's not a way someone is understanding, but it's your responsibility to get that thing done. You can't complain. You know your boss doesn't read emails. You've been sending 2020 emails all the time. All the time. Every week you send emails, they never respond. And now you get to a meeting and they ask you for the information. What are you going to say in the middle of the meeting? My boss doesn't read emails. I've been sending them to her. You can't do that. It's your job to make sure that it gets done. Go to your boss's office, ask for a meeting, sit down, talk to them, give them a phone call, send it on WhatsApp. Find the way that they communicate best and get the information to them that way. That's what I mean by reading the room. It's not just noticing people's moods, it's also about making sure people are understanding you in the way you need them to. Yes, it sounds like a lot of work, but I assure you it's more efficient than giving out information. And no one is hearing what you need them to hear or doing it in a timely fashion. And then you only discover at the deadline that it hasn't been done. So do what you can. Reading the room also helps if you are very present. That is a huge part of emotional intelligence. When we are distracted thinking of other things, multitasking, we're not very present in what we're doing. And presence is a gift because we have so many innate talents as people, but we only tap into them when we are present. When you give something your full time attention and focus, your mind, your body, your energy is all about that thing, you're able to read things better. Have you ever been in like a meeting or going for coffee with someone? They say something, but you just get the vibe that that's not really what they mean. You can read between the lines when you're present. If you're half there and half distracted, you're listening but you're on the phone, or you're thinking of something else, or you're stressed about something, you're not going to pick up on what they're really trying to tell you. Maybe they can't say it explicitly, but they're trying to tell you something. A lot of how we communicate as people is in body language. A lot of the time people are scared or concerned or forgetful or reactionary in how they're like communicating because they're not being present and aware. But if you are it gives you a huge advantage. You can be in a meeting and you'll notice these two people somehow don't get along. But then it makes you think it's by the project isn't moving. These two are probably not talking when they don't have to because there's some sort of issue that you don't know. So there are lots of things you start to realize when you're present. People's facial expressions, their body language, who came at what time, who sits next to who, who said what, who reacted that way. When someone brought up this. There are so many things you'll pick up on when you are more present. But we don't live in a present, mindful way anymore. We're so distracted with so many different things. Notifications, social media, stress, challenges, interruptions, those kinds of things now I think have more value. I think it was easier to get someone's attention 20 years ago. You could have their undivided attention. Now we are fighting for people's attention. In marketing, you're fighting for people's 10 second attention as they scroll through social media. In real life you're competing with the phone, let's be honest. So attention has decreased in people's capacity and ability. So in a world where people have very little attention, if you have slightly more, you're going to be winning. And that just takes practice. If you're addicted to your phone right now, practice not being on the phone. Put time limits, remove notifications, leave it in another room, Try it will set you above other people because you have the gift of presence and focus. And that's something that many people don't have anymore. But it's something that takes practice and effort and then you start to improve it and it increases. It also helps you to pause. That's something that's huge in emotional intelligence. Don't just react. We are so defensive, we are so reactionary. Things are so fast these days. And when you react, you're not coming from the deepest part of yourself. You're not coming from a part that has had a moment of time to make a connection, to think something through, to think about consequences. Young men, I don't know why this part in the brain is underdeveloped. Consequences. Every action has a reaction. So everything you do and say there will be a consequence. It's something that if you pause before you do things, before you take action, you can develop and to save you a lot of problems down the road to help you with so much in planning, with managing relationships, pause when you're hit with information. When you ask a question, yes, you feel on the spot, but if you take a deep breath and pause, it gives your entire system a moment to think. What is the best way to answer this? If you watch really good speed speakers watch on YouTube or online speaking at conferences, on panels, they don't just dive in to speak. They're not talking all over each other, they're not rushing, they're paused. It's pace. They know what they're doing, they know what they're saying, but they take a deep breath and a moment when they've been asked a question. To collect, to gather your thoughts, Collect all the different bits of information, understand the room. The question why is this question at this moment, this pressure? It's very interesting to watch experience. Experienced speakers, they can get attacked with a difficult question. They have to think about the other panelists. They have to understand the audience. What's their background, how old are they, what type of profession? Or what's the topic? Or what's the tension in the room? And how do I answer this in the best possible way. I have to be plugging my company, I have to move my personal information. I have to make sure that it hits this kind of audience. This is the goal of this thing. It's a lot of information to fold in one minute. And if you try to do it consciously, it almost comes out worse. So you have to have a level of trust in yourself and that comes from practicing these things. So pause. You are very capable of a lot. You know the saying measure twice, cut once. You would rather take a moment, take three seconds to breathe, to think before you react to something rather than say, actually change my mind. No, it's not correct. Actually, this is the right number because we all know people like that. Maybe it's us. You send your boss the wrong number because you were under Spanish stress. Stress. I have to answer it now. Now, now. Then you went and checked and it's wrong. Say, let me get back to you. That's not saying you don't know. It's not saying you fail. Say, I want to get you the right information. Give me two days to find out or let me come back to you in an hour, they will respect you for it because you will give them the right information. But if you're reactionary and you're scared you're going to look bad and you're just going to give out any wrong information, who will think less of you? He who had to wait one hour for the right information or the person who is now told, oh it's wrong, change it to this. Oh it's wrong, change it to that. And now you decompanize them too. They won't trust you next time. These are the small things you can start to build up. And I feel like emotional intelligence is a huge area, but you can break it down and look at different areas, assess yourself, see where do you need to improve? Is it in your listening? Is it in the way you speak to people? Is it in the way you write things out? There are many different things you can do to affect your communications and your interactions. Is it the way you manage your energy? Are you one of those people that everyone knows is cranky by afternoon or is tired by 4 o'? Clock? They can't even respond to emails, Their mind is done. Are you a morning person? Are you an evening person? There are many different things about yourself that you need to be aware of. And then you see, how do I interact with the environment that I am given in? What about me is going to plug in? Well, a lot of the time getting hired for positions is about culture and culture fit. The HRS are looking for some someone who's going to fit into our system, not someone whose personality is going to be so off it's going to throw everyone off. So you need to have a lot of self awareness and then see how do I interact with other people? What is that bridge in between? That's your emotional intelligence. That's what you're taking the time to think about. The other person on the exchange, how are they hearing this with their bias, their background? What do they need to hear to make this thing happen? What do they need to hear in a way that they will be on board with it? Salespeople do this quite well because they are used to having to read people they know. Which people you have to give all the information first, which people you first have to do small talk to, which kinds of people you need to send information to. Then by the time they see you, they're prepared and ready. They can tell instantly because it's their job to interact with people every day. But everyone's job is to interact with people every day. Even if you work in a lab and you're doing science experiments, you're not alone. You have a boss, you have colleagues, you have spouses, you have kids, you have relatives. We all interact with people every day. So think of it as your job to learn to read other people, to learn to know what impression you are giving. At the end of the day when you're going to bed. How are you as a person that day? Reflect. Ask yourself, was I angry? Was I calm? Was I too quiet? Was I too loud? Did I get my message across? Did I forget to say something in this meeting? Reflect. Start to think about it like that so that you see, how do I improve in this area? Because this is an area that you will see so many benefits when you start to improve. If you find people just don't understand you, you need to ask someone who does and say, why? Is it my attitude? Is it my tone? Is it the way that I come at people? Do they not hear me because I'm too quiet? Or do I come with an aggressive tone because I'm the boss? And then everyone is too scared, they can't even hear what I'm saying. You need to assess these things for yourself, yourself, and then see how you can improve in different areas to continue to improve your emotional intelligence and build awareness. A book I would really recommend that is quick and easy to read is called the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. And it just shows you some areas that you can change immediately that make a massive difference in your life. I suggest you check it out and I suggest you start to reflect on yourself. Do an assessment. Where am I at with my own emotional intelligence, my own awareness and my own communication and how I interact with other people? Take an audit of yourself and see where are the areas you can improve and start to practice it. The beauty of this is you can practice it all the time and you can continue to grow and improve. Don't be so harsh on yourself. You have to start somewhere and then build on that. But reflection is really helpful. Sometimes journaling is helpful. And with human beings, it's very hard for us to see ourselves. It's easy to see in someone else. This one has a bad temper, this one is very friendly. But it's very hard to see our own shortcomings and where we need to improve. So maybe get an accountability buddy or a friend who can talk to you about these things and bounce off each other and say, am I improving in this area? How is my communication with this? How did I manage my energy? This is what I'm working on at the moment to see how you can help each other grow and improve in this area. Because I promise you, you'll rip a lot of village.