Remember THIS When The World Feels Overwhelming | The Mel Robbins Podcast

Hey, it's your friend Mel. And welcome to a special and important episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you are here with me. I just wish that you were here, like physically with me, because I kind of want to hold your hand. I could use a hug right now. Why could I use a hug? The news. I am so overwhelmed and saddened by everything that is going on in the news right now. And I have had such a heavy heart all day that I thought, you know, this show is syndicated in 194 countries around the world and you may be listening in one of those regions where there is a lot of conflict, where things are extraordinarily scary. And I started to feel very helpless and overwhelmed by the fact that it seems like the world is just spinning out of control. And I thought, what am I going to do? What can I do? How can I help? And so I asked myself if I could talk to one person today, one person who I know could help you and me feel a little more empowered, a little more connected to ourselves and to love and to our ability to face whatever it is that's going on. Who would that be? And there was only one name that popped in my head, and that name is Dr. Tama Bryant. Dr. Tama is a gift. And I thought, I have to get her on the show. She's a psychologist, a minister, a tenured professor at Pepperdine University. In 2023, she was named the very first black female president of the American Psychological Association. And every time I hear her speak, it's like I can feel my soul exhale. And so earlier today, I DMed her in a panic. Dr. Tama, do you have 10 minutes to spare? Would you be willing to talk to me about how we can stay connected to ourselves and connected to hope and to each other in such a scary moment in time? And she wrote right back and said, I'll be there. And she's exactly who we need to hear from. She completed her doctorate in clinical psychology at Duke University and her postdoctoral training at Harvard Medical School's Victims of Violence program. Her New York Times best selling book, Homecoming, is all about how you overcome fear and trauma and reclaim your whole authentic self. And Dr. Tama is here to teach you that even when things seem so dark, there is light inside of you, inside of me, and inside of other people. She's here to teach you simple things that you can do if you're in the middle of turmoil right now, whether it's in your community, in your family, in your nation and she's also here to talk to you if you feel overwhelmed by what's going on and you don't know what to do about it.

And.

And all I can say is thank God she's here. Cause I need to hear her wisdom and her love as much as you do. So please help me welcome Dr. Tama Bryant to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Dr. Tama, I'm so happy you're here.

Oh, hello. Hello. So good to see you.

It is so good to see you. Thank you for making time for me and for every person listening in the middle of a very, very busy schedule. But you were the one person that I really wanted to talk to today.

Oh, I'm so glad you reached out and so glad you're addressing this because everybody is in it.

When you really take a look at your work and the research that you've done, the ministry that you pursue, the psychological counseling that you give to people, and I think about your New York Times bestseller, Homecoming Overcome Fear and Trauma, to reclaim your whole authentic self. You have this very unique gift to give all of us where as we're going through something that is collectively traumatic, whether you are experiencing it in your community or you're watching it unfold in the media, there is still a way to stay connected to your authentic self. How do you do that? When something is playing out in real time.

It is so important for us to learn to honor and be in touch with our own feelings. And a part of the way we do that is bodily awareness because our bodies are telling the story, our bodies are giving us information, and sometimes we're ignoring that. So when I want to know how I feel, then how's my heart feeling? How is my rest? How's my appetite? Have I lost my appetite? Or have I noticed I'm doing a lot of emotional eating? Am I more irritable? And I am quickly responding to people in this kind of aggressive way, or have I shut down and I have no words? So paying attention to the ways in which you're showing up to life, to the day can help me to have an understanding of myself and then to connect the dots between how am I feeling and what's causing that. Journaling is wonderful. And I will say some people use social media as their journal. They're processing it as they're writing it. That's it. Each person's decision. We can also use our artistry, those who are open to therapy, whether you're already in or willing to seek it out, being able to make the connections between the larger story and my individual story, because it lines up, it intersects what is happening. There is also to a certain level, happening within me. And it is a way of, when I say homecoming is to tell myself the truth and then live based on that truth. So I will not lie to myself and say, with all of this going on, everything's fine and how are you, or I'm blessed and how are, you know, how am I really doing? And in the truth, that begins my liberation and my healing.

What do you do when you're in a moment in your life where the world around you feels like it's falling apart or is terrifying or overwhelming?

There is so much that is going on globally and nationally and locally and in people's own living rooms. And it's really aligned that this week is International Mental Health Day, Global Mental Health Day. And so as we look at everything that's happening, a big piece is to release our self judgment. Often we think I'm the only one that's overwhelmed, or I'm the only one stressed out, or I'm the only one who either can't stop crying or cannot access my tears. And so the first message is just that everyone is feeling it, we just show it in different ways. And so we need to create for ourselves a soft place to land. And the way I become a soft place to land is releasing my judgment about how I should feel or how I should act. Because based in our own life experience, it shows up differently.

How does it show up for you when you feel like the world around you is spinning out of control?

Yes. So for me personally, it's challenges with sleep because there is so much to think about, so much to consider, so much to feel. And then those of us who are parents, sometimes during the day you're on and focused about their care. And once they are in that, once they are in bed, then you can start to process on a deeper level what you have seen throughout the day. So that is one of the ways. And then another way for me is looking for community and creating connection. And we know that social support is what we call it is so key because during these times people can feel so isolated and so alone and that we also do need our rest. And so one of the things we talk about is mindfulness, or Dr. Shelly Harrell has developed soulfulness. It is this idea of really being present so that when we are questioning meaning or purpose, instead of going to that place of thinking nothing matters, instead to say, I want to make this moment count, I want to be present, I want to show up for life because life is fragile in the sense of you don't know how much time you have for the most part. And we see that happening across the globe. And. And so being present with self compassion is an incredible and necessary way for us to release some of the overwhelm.

I love that you said that because one of the things that I worry about is that when the news in particular is extremely dark and overwhelming, it's easy for people to become nihilistic, pessimistic or overly anxious. And I love that your counsel is to really create a soft landing for yourself because you can't lose hope and you can't lose sight of the fact that there is still life to live and there is love and there is goodness in the world and there are better days ahead. And I don't say that to gloss over some of the very serious issues in the news right now, but I love that you're talking about this because I think about it from the standpoint of, you know, if you get too paralyzed by the trauma or you get overwhelmed by things that you really can't control, it's going to impact your ability to make decisions, your ability to protect yourself and your family, your ability to take care of yourself through this period that we're in right now. And so do you have recommendations for how people can stay connected? Because I also worry that people tend to look at the news nonstop and it's one way that you think that you're connected and yet it can really pull you into a hole.

Absolutely. So it is integral. An integral part of our healing is finding the balance for yourself of. I want to be informed, but not overexposed.

How do you know the difference?

Yes. Yeah. Well, you feel it in your body. Where if I don't know anything that is happening in the world, then I have checked out and so then I'm not informed. I'm not taking my part in this human family. And so it is important to get a sense of what is happening. The overexposure. If I am on a 24 hour news cycle, and especially when that news cycle is visual, because the nonstop I am taking in the imagery and the sounds of violence and death and so needing to give ourselves permission to not watch it all day, that the number of hours or minutes I consume it is not the measure of my care.

Right.

And so I want to get a sense of what is happening, especially as we're talking about these goals, global issues, because there's long history there. And I love the humility that I've seen from several people online asking the questions or saying they're confused or they don't understand. And I think even those who feel like they know it all well, often we know our journey well. What has other people's journey been? And so just to say to yourself, I want to know what is happening in the world because I care and I don't want to make that the only thing I consume. And we are such layered, complex beings. And so to have the fullness of each other's stories, then we have to see each other beyond the trauma headlines.

I love that. Is there a difference between the process of coming home to oneself when you are actively in the middle of something that is out of your control, versus the process of a homecoming that is due to past trauma or feeling disconnected from your life?

Yes, there are is a homecoming that happens when we are post trauma. And the term PTSD was developed with veterans. So it would be the idea that I experienced child abuse, but now I'm an adult, I was in an abusive relationship, but then I escaped, and so then I'm coming home to myself and that peace is over. But there's another type of homecoming when we're talking about continuous traumatic stress. If we live in a community where there are always things happening, or we live in a region in the world where there is perpetual conflict, then it is how do I stay near to me while the world is spinning around me? And that is important as well because some of us do not get the luxury of everything being post. So to say to myself, I have to wait for all of this to be over, to reconnect with me would be a lifetime and perhaps generations before that can happen. So instead to say, while I am aware that there is hostility, while I am aware that there is harm even for some, while I'm aware that there is war, that in the midst of that I see my own humanity and I see that my care is necessary. And I cannot wait for all of this to be over before I nourish myself. I find ways to nourish myself and my community, those I love, even as we're living through it.

Do you have one or two recommendations of ways somebody could nourish themselves when they are in the middle of it?

Yes. So when the trauma is ongoing, one of the ways that is accessible, and I think about that, especially when we're considering globally that, you know, what are the resources that are present. One of the ways that bring us home to ourselves is our spiritual practices. And whether for people, that is meditation, whether that is practice, whether that is gathering with people of a similar faith, whether that is reading a sacred text. And for some people, that may be about connecting with nature. And if I can't access the nature physically, even the visualization, to see myself in those spaces at the beach or sitting under my favorite tree, or that reminder of us being connected to that which is greater than we are. And so spiritual practices in the midst of conflict, war, violence, have been a refuge for many people and also a source of hope that things can get better. And then I would also say, in psychology, we have what we call narrative therapy, which is the telling of our stories. And so even in the midst of war, of conflict, of community violence, when we can come together with each other and tell our truths and recognize that we aren't judged or rejected for talking about what we have been through and how it has affected us, we heal in relationship with each other. And so seek out people with whom you can tell your truth, and they will honor you for it.

Dr. Tama Bryant. For somebody listening that may be in the middle of it in their community, what is some hope that they can lock onto to rise above what's happening right now and tap into the energy of humanity and connection and love?

Yes. This moment does not have the final say on my life or the life of my community. This is a moment. And so we are mindful that we take in the truth. We're not in denial. We see what is, but we know that that does not mean this is all that can ever be. And then I would also say in closing, trauma affects us, but it doesn't define us. My heart feels the weight, but there is still lightness available to me. There is still softness available to me. And I don't wait for it from out there. I give it to myself from in here.

Thank you for explaining the difference between how you create a homecoming when the trauma is in the past versus the things that you can do to come home to yourself when you're in the middle of it. I appreciate you validating that it's a collective experience, that whatever is happening there does, to some extent, happen in here for you if it's impacting the way that you feel. Could you give us a couple other examples of what a soft landing might look like, how you can be a soft landing for yourself in an overwhelming moment in your life.

Yeah. So one of the ways is with community care and community connection by inviting authenticity into this space, then we soften it for all of us. Right. So both of us just shared something that could be vulnerable or personal in terms of how this is impacting us. And when we share and when we hear each other sharing, it puts breath in the room. It gives spaciousness there for there to be actual care, as opposed to the idea of, I just want people for their labor, or I'm not even seeing the people who are in my circle or in my cubicle or in my life. So I create a softer place by showing up with softness, by showing up with honesty, by seeking real connection and real relationship. And sometimes it may not even be people who you know deeply. I had to call today to get my garage door fixed. And the guy who came over is from the region, in the Middle east, and has been affected and glued to his television and was like, oh, I'm so sorry for, like, dumping all of this on you. But these moments where we see each other is necessary, and it reminds us of the sacredness of now, which also.

Elevates you from the position of darkness to realizing that there is still connection, there is still love, there is still humanity, despite all of the terrible things that are going on. As you and I are talking about this, we are. One other thing I was curious if you had advice about is if somebody is listening and they feel guilty if they're not glued to the TV or they feel guilty if they feel numb or feel like they just can't handle even talking about it, how do you handle guilt in a moment like this?

Yes. So one of the things that is important, especially from a framework of liberation psychology, is to seek out, how can I be a part of a solution? This might not be a global solution, but how can I do my part in being of service, of sharing, Whether it's my time, my resources, my heart, or some people who pray my prayers, what is a way that I can be present in this that is within. Within my capacity, Right. And so, you know, I see a number of offerings being made, whether they are posts of support or as a psychologist, seeing psychologists who are offering support groups for those who are worried or grieving about their relatives who are in the areas of conflict. And so, given what I have, and even when that's just a little bit, instead of consuming more, how do I figure out how to care for myself and for others? And that can give us a sense of meaning. And then as it relates to the judgment around our emotions, in mindfulness, we talk about releasing judgment about our own symptoms, Right? Because if I feel numb and then I'm upset with myself for feeling numb, I have doubled my problems, right? As Opposed to I'm numb and I'm just aware of it that I have faced so much loss or these last couple years have been so much that I'm aware I'm not really feeling. And I can just be aware of that without a criticism. Right. Without a judgment. But instead, can I look at that with compassion and with grace to say, given my life's journey, however I'm feeling, it makes sense.

You are such a gift, Dr. Tama Bryant. And one of the things that I'm going to hold from this conversation is first of all, that visual of being that nonjudgmental soft landing for myself. And you also gave us this beautiful visual of really thinking about the input that's coming in and whether or not that is truly helping you feel like your authentic self. And perhaps if it's not focusing on an output of compassion or service or connection to others, that will restore that connection back to that part of you that gets lost when you start to see things around you that are so overwhelming and scary.

I am so grateful for this moment. And I feel like this moment is a part of, like, what we can do. It's what can I do with what I have? Or even people, as I said, who are on social media who just post their messages of support and compassion, that people receive that. And it helps because what many people are looking for is does anyone care?

Yes.

Does anybody care?

Yes. And I also love that you gave us permission to care in ways that don't look like getting consumed with anxiety and getting overwhelmed by the news cycle. That there are ways to care deeply without it severing that connection to your power and to your heart and to other people.

Yes. Yeah. And it is important to imagine and reimagine a future. You know, hopelessness puts us in a place where I cannot imagine things being any better than they are right now. And so to push back on that, it is too reawaken my own imagination. Even if I have never seen it in my community, I have not seen it in my nation. To stretch myself, to begin to visualize what would it look like for people to be safe? What would it look like for people to be free? What would it look like for respect and for dignity to be for all people? And that's what can help us to keep moving forward.

Well, I'm going to stand in that with you, Dr. Tama Bryant. Thank you so much for spending a few moments with us to give us some things that we can do right now to support ourselves and also truly show that we care about one another, about love, about peace, about freedom, about respect, about goodness, about all of it. Because we do.

We do. I appreciate you so much. Thanks for having me.

Thank you. You're welcome. Tama Bryant. Thank you. Oh, I just felt my soul exhale and my shoulders drop. And I just want to thank Dr. Tama for making time for you and me. I want to thank you for being here. We're going to re release the. That interview that we did with Dr. Tama about the process of homecoming and how you can overcome fear and trauma and reclaim your whole authentic self. We're gonna release that as the very next episode because I believe that it will be one of the best things that you could listen to for yourself right now. Because I know the reason why you listen to this is because of your interest in improving your life. And that's why I'm here. I'm here because I love you and I believe in you. And I believe in our collective ability to stay connected through the hardest of things and to lift each other up and to continue to remind one another that there are simple things that we can do to stay connected to our whole authentic self and the truth of what's happening. That even when the moment feels very dark, when you stay connected to your authentic self, you also stay connected to the truth and to your commitment to peace, to love, to connection, and to the light. I'll talk to you in a few days. Oh, and one more thing. And no, this is not a blooper.

This is.

This is the legal language. You know, what the lawyers write and what I need to read to you. This podcast is presented solely for educational and entertainment purposes. I'm just your friend. I am not a licensed therapist. And this podcast is not intended as a substitute for the advice of a physician, professional coach, psychotherapist, or other qualified professional. Got it? Good. I'll see you in the next episode. Hey, it's Mel. Thank you so much for being here. If you enjoyed that video, by God, please subscribe because I don't want you to miss a thing. Thank you so much for being here. We've got so much amazing stuff coming. Thank you so much for sending this stuff to your friends and your family. I love you. We create these videos for you, so make sure you subscribe.