I Have Been Trying And Trying And Nothing. Why?

And the mind still says, I need to awaken. Where's the awakening? It's looking for the kingdom of heaven. As if it could be found like you find an object, signs to be perceived. Where's the kingdom of heaven? Oh, there. It's coming. Oh, no, it's over here. Where's the awakening? The enlightenment? The fireworks? I've been waiting for the fireworks for 10 years. Nothing is happening. So you find it arises spontaneously in certain either when things are helpful, conditions around you are helpful. Could also happen when they seem the opposite of helpful and there's chaos around you or drama, people are screaming or whatever, or something has gone drastically wrong. And suddenly, instead of reacting suddenly, you find you become very still and alert. All that that is part of the awakening. So it's not really an event that you can take on. This is what happened to me. It very rarely happens. Some human beings go through a permanent shift, but that happens very rarely for most humans. It's a gradual transition from constantly being engaged in the stream of thinking and being dragged along by the stream of thinking, one thing after another, including the thought, when am I going to awaken? I've been jotted. What's the point in carrying on? It hasn't happened yet. It's all part of the stream of thinking transition from that to, at first, the occasional arising of something else, that heightened alertness or aliveness that replaces thinking, in which thinking can still take place, but it's no longer compulsive. And it's a space really, where thinking is unnecessary. You have risen above thinking. That is the awakening.