Navigating Family and Work Dynamics with Presence | Eckhart Tolle's Solution

Comfort zone is not conducive to any kind of deepening through resistance. You suffer or your presence deepens because it has to. Many of these things are regarded as negative, but they're actually exactly what you need.

My question is, how does one remain centered in stillness when we might be surrounded by and asked to engage mentally and emotionally with others who are not?

I assume that this situation happens to you quite often because you're asking the question. And of course, it's a very common thing for people to find themselves in such situations. Let's assume then it's these are human beings that you. You cannot easily or you don't want to separate yourself from. Like, could be family members or it could be people you work with. Those two situations, often situations where you feel you. You want to continue to interact with these people, or you have to interact with these people, but it's getting difficult because you can. There's toxicity or there's a lot of unconsciousness. Egos fight against other egos and so on. Let's just for a moment put aside the more extreme manifestations of such situations. There are situations, whether it's family members or at work, there are some extreme situations that are so destructive and toxic that you. The only healthy and sane course of action would be to remove yourself. So if it's an extreme situation, let's say you're in a relationship, the relationship is sometimes violent, there's physical violence, or there's repeated emotional violence. Such an extreme situation, or you are at work, the company that you work for is the environment. The energy is so toxic and negative that just going into that office, you feel the weight of it and the pull of that negativity, and it's full of ego battling each other. So in certain extreme situations, I would recommend that you remove yourself from this. Because I mentioned that at first, because I want to put that aside. We need to know extreme situations involving emotional violence, physical violence, whatever it may be, you have to take responsibility and remove yourself from that situation. But many situations, and assume in your case, perhaps it's not that extreme. So what remains is normal human unconsciousness, not the extreme forms of unconsciousness. So to deal with normal human unconsciousness, again, be aware when you are in interacting with people, realize that you may not always succeed in doing this. But the most important thing, see if you can bring about a shift in the way in which you approach the situation. And these people, the most important thing in such situations is your state of consciousness rather than whatever it is that they are talking about. They may Be talking about this or that, whether it's at work or they may be gossiping or they may be whatever they're engaged in. Emotional ego stuff. Use it as an opportunity to stay present. And it's not easy. And you can only. You need to intensify your presence when you are with unconscious people. By that I mean when you are sitting alone in a room or you're walking out in nature, being present is not that difficult. You can. It's especially. Nature is conducive to presence or being alone in a room. If you discover that you actually like sitting alone in a room, that's a great thing because that means you become comfortable with yourself. There are still. The majority of humans still become very uncomfortable with sitting alone in a room. And you may discover that you actually like being alone. Not continuously. You still love people, but you also love being alone. Because when you're alone, you can sense the presence that you are the very simple but powerful presence of. And you sense there's a stillness there. It's lovely. And then, of course, then you leave your room and then you meet other people. You lose yourself. You get. Because there's a gravitational pull that the mind has. And so people know that other people's minds will try to draw you in. I don't. Is it. May I ask you, before I carry on, is it predominantly. Is it more a family situation in your case, or is it a work situation or which one is it predominantly?

I would say. Thank you for asking. It is both. And both family and work occasionally are issues or not issues, but present themselves as a challenge. What is an ongoing daily challenge is the unconsciousness of the city I'm surrounded in. So by Wednesday, that starts to peak and. And becomes much more difficult for me to stay out of. My head becomes very noisy.

Oh, you can sense the. You can sense the energy field of the city, right? Yes, yes.

Sunday is very pleasant. Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, or not.

Right, right.

So. But it's. It's really, you know, that plus the more intense situations of work and family which occasionally come in.

Yes, yes. I need to ask one more question. Do you find yourself drawn into. When other people are ego controlled? Do you find yourself that emotionally, mentally, you become just like them, or do you feel you're a little bit of an outsider now? That's observing what's going on. Are you a full participant temporarily in the unconscious interactions that are taking place, the drama, whatever it may be? Are you a full participant or are you a reluctant. Sometimes a reluctant participant, or you remain there as an almost an outsider observing what's going on. How is it for you?

It oscillates most of the time. I am an outsider who enjoys engaging. I suspect that my sensitivity to presence and stillness is becoming. Is increasing or the sensitivity to that lack of. In myself is increasing. Does that answer your question?

Yes. Yes. Thank you. That's good. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk for a moment about this, the energy field of the city, before we go on to your personal. The. I don't know if you. Whether you meditate or not, whether you do some formal meditation and often you say yes, the Often people. And people meditate and then some. Something disturbing things happen while they meditate. Suddenly there's disturbing noise. This morning I was sitting. I was sitting in my living room and it's Wednesday. So they do the gardening on Wednesday with extremely noisy leaf blowers. This is the time of year of leaf blowers. And so the noise came up and I was just so. It was so peaceful as I was sitting there.

And.

And suddenly there was this. And often I immediately knew how to completely transcend it because I've been. It's second nature to me now. But often I have to tell people how to deal with disturbing things like that, especially when they're trying to meditate. And then that happens. I always say incorporate whatever arises during this time when you're trying to meditate. Everything that arises, make it part of your meditation. In other words, resist nothing that arises. Don't demand that anything that arises should not arise. In that case, even a disturbing noise such as a leaf blower is incorporated into your meditation by deep acceptance of what is you. Don't resist. You could. You may be able to practice the same in the city when you feel the energy field. But I mean, you may be walking there or driving or just being in an apartment or office. Practice surrender to this energy that you feel. Then you may be able to transcend that particular energy. If you don't, if you react to it, it still you have. It has you in its grip in a way, one could say when you react to toxic energy, you become part of the toxic energy without knowing it. So the only. The only way you can become free other than removing yourself and live in the countryside. The. The only way you can get beyond it is through deep surrender. So completely. And this can be a spiritual practice, as I said, except in the most extreme cases when there's violence of some kind or extraordinary toxicity, then obviously you remove yourself. Otherwise surrender to something that seems unacceptable. And yet in the sense you surrender you're totally okay with it. Suddenly the toxic energy of the city, but you no longer even call it toxic. You just. You can sense it and allow yourself to sense that and say, oh, that's what is. And you might also then recognize it as an expression of human unconsciousness to some extent. But also yes, it's still a manifestation of life at a particular stage, evolutionary stage. And that's what it is. You can then I had that realization many, many years ago when I went through a shift in consciousness. At the time I lived in London and I had to travel every morning to work on the subway which is called tube or underground. They call has different lines and one is called. At that time, it was decades ago, I don't know how it is now. One was the one the line that I had to catch is called the Northern Line. The Northern Line was always considered the worst of all tube lines because had the longest delays and the most totally crammed carriages that always. You can never find a seat. You had to push yourself in. And then there were long gaps, no trains. People called it the Misery line. And I had to catch that line. Every morning after my shift in consciousness, I still was the same. I went in there and I felt completely at peace. On the Northern Line, which before was a source of great unhappiness. Felt completely at peace. I couldn't quite understand why for a long time. And later I realized I'm actually not complaining about anything anymore. I'm not complaining about it. It's just is my mind wasn't saying anything about it anymore. I could still feel. Feel that energy. But it was. I allow myself to feel that. And by allowing myself to feel it, there was transcendence of it. So that is something to practice. And then also often in the middle of sometimes in London, I would catch a bus to say I might always sit on the upper level of the double decker buses would sit on the upper level and I contemplated the city. I had the most peaceful meditations contemplating the hustle and bustle of the city. Sitting on the upper deck of the bus. Wow, everything was so peaceful. Why was it so peaceful? Everybody see everybody is stressed. Most people in big city like that is stressed. Most people are stressed. And yet I felt peace. So peaceful. I was completely okay with everything that was seems was the reason. So it's a practice of surrender. And through surrender you transcend. Now going on to people, dealing with people, individual people or small groups of people, family members in any situation, as much as possible. Remember that the most important ingredient of that Situation is the state of conscience that you bring to it rather than whatever is being discussed. And see that it's a little bit like. Without accepting the way people behave and. But recognize bikes. You can only accept it if you realize that they behave in this way because they cannot, they can't help it, they cannot. They behave the way they behave because they are still in the grip of that unconsciousness. Now you have to be careful that the ego. When you observe people's unconsciousness and recognize its unconsciousness and you recognize that's just their conditioned behavior, it's the ego that makes them. That's a true recognition. When you have that true recognition, you need to be careful though that your ego doesn't come back through, come, return through the back door, as I put it. And suddenly you feel very superior to them. Because any sense of superiority is a conceptual identity. Again, yes, it's important to recognize that they are still in the grip of that unconsciousness. So it's a little bit like observing children. You wouldn't come. When children do the wrong things or break something, they can't help it. A three year old can't. If the three year old spills something or breaks something, they can't help it. That's just how it corresponds to the evolutionary stage as the human being. And so you wouldn't complain about it. But some parents do. If they're very unconscious, they get angry with a two or three year old when they break something. That means you're really unconscious, but so able to accept people's behavior and see when they Be very careful always your reactions. So stay as present as you can through breath, awareness or even listen. When you listen to somebody, be really there. Listen to them. Be there as a conscious presence. Don't let. Especially when it's a family surroundings, the pain body can often come in. The pain body wants an emotional reaction from you. Other person's pain body wants you to react emotionally. And when that happens, you can recognize it. And you may not need to react emotionally if you stay present. Staying present is the most important part. Accepting the way a person behaves for the time being is fine. Unless if it's in your family surroundings, it may be helpful to talk about certain patterns of behavior that you're not okay with. When you shout at me, when you're tired and you get irritated and you shout at me, that's not okay. Catch the person when he or she is relatively conscious to point out moments of unconsciousness. But when it does happen, you just have to. They're like Children, people who are still unconscious are like children in evolutionary terms. So it's challenging. But if you need that in order to deepen your presence, if your surroundings were ideal for sustaining presence, your presence would never go very deep. If you lived. If you had unlimited money and you lived in the most wonderful surroundings and you're being looked after, you can meditate every day because you know nobody's making any demands on you. You get the best possible food that is served every day and clean air and wonderful surroundings. Now you might think, then I could really grow spiritually and awaken. Unfortunately, that's not the case. For a little while you'll feel peaceful, but it wouldn't go very deep. Your presence wouldn't go very deep because it doesn't have to go very deep. It doesn't go. Nothing happens unless it has to. It's only when. When you're confronted with a demand, a challenge and obstacle, then you are forced to go deeper. Otherwise, you're like a little flower that grows in a greenhouse, very protected conditions, let's say seed that sprouts in a protected environment of a greenhouse. And then it grows very quickly. If you take it outside, it wouldn't even survive because it was never confronted with the adverse conditions. It didn't generate enough energy to deal with the adverse conditions. The same applies to presence. Your comfort zone is not. Not conducive to spiritual awakening and deepening in presence. The mind might tell you comfort zone. There's nothing wrong with comfort zones. Enjoy it when it's there, but don't believe that the comforts. Finding comfort zone is the ultimate purpose of your life. In a way, the opposite is true. You don't necessarily need to need to seek discomfort, although that has been done and is still being done by certain types of spiritual practice. Seeking out discomfort. In India, still many people who practice that. In the west, there used to be many people, not anymore. The west is more about seeking comfort zones. But comfort zone is not conducive to any kind of deepening. And so when you're not in your comfort zone, either you suffer or you deep. Your presence deepens through resistance, you suffer through judgment resistance, and you suffer or your presence deepens because it has to. And so the. You're taken out of your comfort zone sometimes because of the people that you need to deal with. Or you could be taken out of your comfort zone or where you live or what you have to do, or whatever it may be, but all these are good things, or you lose things that were important to you. So you're taken out of your comfort zone in that way. Many of these things are regarded as negative, but they're actually exactly what you need to deepen your presence. I had a relative many years ago who suffered from a mental illness. I would only visit this person once a year for a brief time. Because anyway, the. And when I was with this, this person was very deeply in the grip of a condition called paranoid schizophrenia. And sometimes this person was in a mental home, sometimes at home. And so when I visited once a year, I could see first I had to listen to the narratives, which were complete fake fantasies about all the enemies that are surrounding us. And so on. Tubular. Paranoid schizophrenia, misinterpretations of reality. And first I had to sit there and listen. I knew already every time I arrived, I would hear the stories of the dreadful things that's been happening. I would just sit there and normally everybody, sooner or later would become incorporated into this person's fantasy world. If you questioned anything she said, you would become one of the enemies. So I never questioned anything. And whenever I arrived, there could sense my. In the presence of a very unconscious person. I could sense my presence deepening, becoming much more intense just automatically, because there is a. The way in which you experience presence is varies. There can be intense presence or there can be just background presence. In certain situations, I experience intense presence, like dimmer switch, turning on the light on the dimmer switch, but I'm not doing it. It just happens. So whenever I sat with her, I would become very, very present and just listen. And many times while I was there, she would become virtually normal and not talk about it anymore. And her condition subsided. And you could converse like with a normal person. And the moment I left to go back home, I was told by somebody else who lived with her, she would immediately revert back into her fantasies. But while I was there, she was. Initially I had to listen to the stories. But as I stayed present, some of that presence transmitted itself to her. It seemed didn't have a permanent effect, but it had a temporary effect of bringing some light into the unconsciousness. So. But this is a practice that is very important. Difficult people are very important on your spiritual path. And difficult people means obviously ego people, unconscious people. In other words, most people are difficult in one way or another. Some are much more difficult than others. Some are close to insane. And those. Then you have to remove yourself, as I said, if you can. If you can't, that's fine too. But we deepen through interacting with other humans. And to some extent you find Also that your state of consciousness gets reflected in other humans and the humans that you attract. After a while, if you remain present as much as possible, you attract other humans into your life that are also relatively present. And sometimes there's a healing effect that you can have without wanting to change a situation. But by remaining present in a situation non reactive, you can sometimes change the environment without feeling that you are doing it. Because one present, one present person can make a difference to the entire energy of a group of people. Or sometimes the group energy is so deeply unconscious that even that doesn't help. At least you don't become part of it. Then you remain on the periphery, you don't become part of it. So in the same way, however, if you have a group of people, let's say you have a meeting, you have a. You have a committee meeting. Sometimes one very unconscious person can draw everybody else into deep unconsciousness. So that's the reverse of what I just talking about present. If one person is speaker is very unconscious, it sometimes happens that everybody else gets drawn in and their level of consciousness also diminishes. That's not uncommon either. So. But you need, you need difficult people to evolve. That's the truth of it. So. And ultimately even your childhood. When I. Many people, when they look back on their childhood and their parents, you can see parents were unconscious, behaved in unconscious ways, in my case, for example. And they couldn't help it. No, I don't blame just in the grip of there be this conditioned behavior. My life was not pleasant as a child. But even that retrospectively, it all made sense. Retrospectively I needed to go through that. I remember talking to Oprah. It was actually, I can mention it now because it was a public conversation. She grew up with a single mother, never saw her father. And her mother did not have the ability to love. She was not given any love whatsoever. It was just very bad, very bad situation. And I said, when she explained the situation, the details of which I've forgotten, but it was awful. I said, you would not be who you are now if you. If you had had a loving mother. Because this forced you to go deeper to something that you did not find outside. It forced you to go deeper into yourself. So that's. That is help. May help you to remember. Thank you for difficult people. That is your prayer of gratitude. Sa.