Parenting: Grace or Consequence | Eckhart Tolle

Now, the important thing is then when you show the child what is wrong, that the showing does not come from a place of fear. It's always easier to answer something that's a concrete situation. So, for example, with your child, can you give just one example example of choice of behavior?

Well, there are some children who bite.

Bite?

Yeah.

Okay, now we are getting somewhere.

There are some children who bite other children, and it's true. And they do it. Some do it just because they're still sensing with their mouths, and others do it out of anger, but it's a behavior that's harmful and frightening for others. So parents certainly are confused about whether the child is able to understand consequences or whether it's just more love, more love, more love that's going to help that child to grow out of that particular behavior, or running into a street or breaking away in a parking lot. Any of those behaviors are dangerous, and it's important to modify them. But. But is it through firmness or is it through grace and love?

Now I understand completely what you're asking. You needed to mention the biting then. Now I get it. Well, that's a very subtle balance, because of course, certain behaviors have consequences. And if that's completely ignored on the side of the parent, then eventually the consequences of that type of behavior will come worse. So at some point they will learn that biting others is wrong, and they will experience the consequences. If you don't show them the consequences or make them aware of what they are doing, we'll talk about how in a second. If you don't, then eventually, when they go to kindergarten or school, eventually another child will bite them back, which may be a more painful way of experiencing the karmic result of their behavior. So the more you wait, the more painful the karmic result of your behavior becomes. Or youngsters who are left free to do whatever they like. And eventually the parents try to shelter them from all consequences of their actions and protect them from consequences. And eventually, then they will do something, and then society will show them in the form of the police coming to your door, that there are consequences to actions. And then the karma might have worsened by then, because the consequences, maybe what they do to others may be far worse than what they've done at the age of six. So eventually the universe will show you the consequences. So it's good for a parent, in a gentle way, to show the child the consequences of certain unconscious actions, if only not just to protect them from karmic retribution at a later stage, but also sometimes simply to protect them from themselves because they might get themselves into a very dangerous place if you don't. And I've seen some parents that allow their children to be, to walk along the sea wall or whatever and they can go one false step and they would be gone. But the parent just doesn't want to interfere. So they lose a balance between allowing and showing the child what is not right and protecting the child. Now the important thing is then when you show the child what is wrong, that the showing does not come from a place of fear. Because if it comes from a place of fear in you, and that could be, for example, when you see the child going close to a precipice or whatever, or close to the traffic or the road. And sometimes I observe mothers or fathers who become almost hysterical because out of fear and then they run up to the child and they shake the child. Don't you ever do that again for the child. It's a dreadful trauma. It's almost worse than being run over by a car or it's the emotional equivalent of being run over by a car. Can you imagine the trauma inflicted on a little child when a big grown up shouts at them and there's an outflow of extreme, extremely destructive fear energy onto the child. And that moment, within a space of one minute, the child's pain body is growing, it's absorbing all that. And then they are surprised if a little later the child goes into extreme negative emotions and moods and, and shouted and shouts and screams. The child has already absorbed the fear of the mother. But of course the mother wanted to do well, it wanted to protect the child. But the mother was unconscious, doesn't realize that the protection is almost worse than that which she's being protected against. It's almost like using an insecticide that is far worse than the insects. And so the question then, your question, Grace is very important. You used that word. Grace must be part of the showing. Grace is a compassionate space where you recognize that the child does not know yet you don't punish the behavior, you simply show clearly that this is wrong. In the same way that we have to show our dog in some ways, dogs also need to be taught that certain behaviors have consequences. So you don't hit a dog? Well, I don't know, maybe if you have a. What are they called? Bull pit bull you might occasionally have to slap because they might have enormous energy. But our dog doesn't need that. Our dog comes, we hold out a little treat and usually the dog will go, ah. And sometimes it gets, you get your finger in there. And that is karmically not good for the dog. So we say, we say when it's, when it happens, we go ouch. And the dog is a little bit shocked and realizes on some level that she has just hurt you. You go, ouch, the dog. And the dog realizes, oh, I shouldn't have done that. That's a very gentle way of doing it. So the grace, when you do a child, the worst response is always the one that comes out of fear. Because out of fear also comes anger and so on. So when you pull the child back from the road, getting too close to the traffic and you might have to act fast, but the important thing is that just enough consciousness in you that you do not put fear onto the child, so you pull back in awareness and then, oh, this is very dangerous. You. But not the fear, just an alertness rather than the fear. That's grace. And so that's the. Every parent has to walk this. Find this balance, of course, between interfering and stopping the child and showing the child consequences and allowing the child. There needs to be a balance. It's not always easy, not always immediately obvious which one whether to allow or whether not to not allow. But if you not allow, the important thing is that it doesn't come from negative reaction. So that's the maybe helpful a little bit for you. Again, self awareness is the key. Especially in a moment of crisis. You need to be doubly alert within yourself. The more critical a situation is, the more alertness is required. It.