Partner Expectations | What You NEED and What You WANT, with Eckhart Tolle and Kim Eng

I have a question about relationships. You mentioned yesterday not to have any expectations. And my question is, how do you differentiate between expectations and what you want and what you need? Because I'm aware they both come from the ego. But where do you draw the line?

Okay, well, there's nothing wrong with expectations. Just don't attach yourself to them too much. If you believe in your expectations and you demand that they should be met, then you're setting yourself up. Of course we have needs and we have desires. But then you need to ask yourself, where are those needs and desires coming from? Are they coming from the egoic self? Are they coming from the pain body self? Are they just coming? Because that's part of a healthy, successful relationship, to have a balanced relationship. So you have to ask yourself that and then look at that and answer honestly. So are you speaking about like who does the dishes?

No.

Okay, give a real example.

So, for example, spending time together. So me and my partner, we don't agree on the amount of time because we don't have the same needs. And he tells me it's my ego who wants that.

Ah, that's a good one. So you want more time with him than he wants with you. Okay. Why do you want more time with him?

Because I need to connect and spend time together. That's something I need.

Okay, but the amount of time that you spend together, are you together with him?

Yes.

Like really together?

Yes.

And that doesn't satisfy you?

No, it's very, very limited. Very limited.

So when you say limited, you spend.

One minute a day together, two evenings a month?

Two evenings a month. Do you live in separate place countries or something or.

No, separate areas in the same city areas.

And is. Is this a monogamous relationship?

Yes.

Okay. All right. And what's his reason for. To days a month or two evenings a month or whatever it is.

So he's very busy, but his main reason is spiritual.

He's been to this guy's house?

No.

Trusting. Why not?

He hasn't invited me.

How long have you been together?

I knew you were going to ask this. Two years.

Two years. And you've never. Is this guy married?

No.

Are you sure?

Yes.

And he hasn't invited you. So have you invited yourself?

I tried.

Oh. And he says no. Well, this is very interesting. This would put up a red flag for me.

Me too.

Yeah. Well, okay. So what are you doing with him?

That's the question.

Ah, so the question.

Okay, but my question, because now my.

Answer would be different if you were to say, oh yeah, we spend Every day together, you know, But I still want more time with him, so.

But it's. Sorry to interrupt.

It's a red flag for you.

It raises a question for me in terms of which part of me. How can I differentiate the part of me that wants to spend time that comes from the conditioned self, and the part of me that wants to spend time because it's healthy needs? That's where I get confused.

I don't think you're confused. I really don't. I think you're justifying. You're trying to fit this all in, you know, the amount of time that you need, you know, how do I know if you want more? Say, for example, you're spending almost every day together and you're still saying you want more. This is probably more the pain body wanting more. But this one's a challenging one because you're only spending two days out of a month. So you haven't even yet figured out what your real need is compared to this other thing that's just two days a month. So now I'm not saying two days a month is wrong. It would be good if you were happy with it too. Then what's the problem? You're both happy with it, but you are not happy with it. You would like a partner who is able to spend more time with you. So I'm asking you, why are you with him still?

Because I got confused as to maybe it's my ego that wants this. Why can't I just accept what I have?

But you're not accepting your inner self first. You're not accepting the inner calling for you and that divine desire to have a partner that you can spend more time with. Every. Every relationship is a challenge. But we have to find our way to be in relationship with each other. You're not finding and he's not meeting you to find that way. You haven't even been to his home yet after two years. Hello. Wake up. Wake up to yourself. You know the answers. You know it. But my sense is you are. There's fear there. There's fear. And you gotta work past that fear. That fear of being alone. You're willing to sacrifice yourself and your needs and your wishes, your wants, your desires, human desires so you don't have and take a little crumb and go, oh, I guess, you know, I don't want my ego in a way. So I guess I just have to accept what is. But you're accepting the external before you accept the internal where it needs to be the reverse. You accept the internal and then the external will follow. And that might mean when you accept the internal, it's bye bye. Unless you can accept the internal. And then suddenly you accept the internal and you're just like this presence. And he might turn around and want to spend more time with you. You don't know. But you need to be present first and accept what's in here first. So I will be very interested to hear what is going to happen. Because the longer that you stay in something that is not feeding your soul because relationships do and can feed our soul, not that we expect and want it to and demand it to and think that this person will make me whole because another person cannot make you whole. It just enhances your relationship, your life situation and challenges it too. So what do you think you'll do?

It's pretty clear.

But say it. I want to hear what you're going to do.

I'm going to look after myself first, right? Leave him and leave him.

All right. You got the support behind you, man. It.