People Love at Their Level of Consciousness with Kim Eng

I'm not really attached to things per se anymore, but I find myself being very, very attached to people, even people who abandon me, whether my father or my best friend. And it's clear to me that they don't want me in their life. So why am I so attached and cling on to wanting them in my life?

Is this still happening today where they don't want you? You're alive. Your parents?

My father. Yeah. And my best friend. So the two people I thought would never leave me has left me. And whenever I go into a very, very deep meditation, there they are. And I just get stuck by this complete feeling of suffering. And I don't know why I'm still chasing these people. Attachment, I guess.

We keep chasing something when we haven't fully really accepted it and felt the repercussions of the event. When did your father leave?

When I was about 10.

And he's still out of the picture. Have you seen him at all?

Yeah, I have, but we only see each other when it suits him.

Oh, you're angry.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah. So have you ever felt that anger? Really felt that anger?

Yeah, I feel it all the time. The problem with the anger is that I latched it on to other people. Now people I don't even have any connection with, I find myself being angry with them.

Yeah. Yeah. So the problem in itself isn't anger, it's what you do with the anger that becomes the problem. So you latching, attaching it to other people, but the anger that is inside you, have you really felt that? Or do you go, I'm angry, but your mind might say, oh, but I really shouldn't be angry. And maybe on some subconscious level, on an unconscious level, you maybe say, oh, you know, I'm too spiritual for this to really feel anger. No, that's somehow wrong.

No, I've been a very, very angry person. I think everyone around me knows that.

Yeah. So it manifests outwardly, but I'm asking you, have you actually really felt it without the manifestation of it? Outwardly it's manifesting in you, but outwardly. So in other words, you don't react to this feeling of anger. Have you really just felt it?

I feel I have, but.

But what?

But I think that anger is a cover up feeling.

Okay. Covering up what?

Well, I think that anger is the easiest feeling to have.

Okay.

Instead of being terribly sad, I mean, who would want to say nobody wants me or the most important people that I love don't want me, it's much easier to be angry.

Yeah. You're right on that. Anger is a stage of the grief process. So if you know that, then can you uncover and go deeper than the anger? And have you felt that?

That's a good question.

You answered it, actually. I'm just saying can you feel that? Can you go underneath the anger? And what is it that you feel go there now?

Yeah, I feel that. Then there's no point in me being here.

Like if other people about that. What do you mean there's no point in you being here? Did you have that feeling?

Yeah, I mean, like if the people you love the most don't love you back. I know I'm supposed to be one of a bigger consciousness and say, well, that doesn't matter. Nobody loves me, but I'm part of a greater consciousness. But in reality, that's very difficult.

So that's the error that you're holding onto is the expectation of what love is and how love should be shown to you. We are only able to love at the level of consciousness that we are at.

So.

I don't think your father doesn't love you. I think your father loves you. It's just he is more unconscious. He's unconscious, so he can't love you the way that you desire, in the way that you want, in the way that you expect and maybe even need, because he's just not there. Can you accept the level of consciousness that he is at? It's hard because you have the expectation that parents ought to love me unconditionally. The only real unconditional love, unless you're fully awakened, is awareness, your own inner stillness.

That's true.

So right now what I see is a disconnection from your head, your body, your emotions. They're disconnected. You have that thought, that expectation of, jeez, a mother and a father should do this, do that, do this, and love this way and only this way. And forgetting that their level of consciousness might be quite low. In fact, it might be really low. So who am I now as this adult who is going to love me unconditionally? So long as we are stuck there, we're going to point and look out there for that person who's going to unconditionally love me. And whether it's a male or female girlfriend. Oh, there is that girlfriend who I know will unconditionally love me, who will love me. And you've had this great friendship for a while, and then as all things happen, including relationships, they'll dissolve. We may live together until one of you dies. It's still an Ending of a relationship. So as long as we keep that unprocessed event that happened to us when we were younger and keep that in our consciousness and think now, because we have read in books that good parents do this. I mean, maybe the words aren't said like that, but basically, we read these things, we hear these things, and we believe that this is the now new way how parenting should happen. Well, it's a lot more complicated than that because shit happens to everybody all the time. Where did they come from? What part of the world were your parents from?

They're Danish.

They're Danish, so. And how old are they?

He's 73 and she's 63.

Let me see. I'm not really good at math, but in a sense, what I'm trying to get at is that if they were brought up, say, during the war, they've got that. So that gets piled. This is. This is where, you know, Christ says the sins of the generation be passed on from generation to generation if we're not awake. So it will get passed on. So he's just passing on his shit. But you have awakened. Hallelujah. You know, really. And it's a tough call to be that first to awaken in a family, because that's what you're still having to deal with. But then that's where you go through that process and learn that compassion. And you learn that compassion by actually then feeling. Feeling what you're really feeling inside. That sadness, that grief of that little girl who just needed to be loved, wanted to be felt like as if, you know, my parents want me.

Thank you very much.

You're welcome.

It helped a lot.

But that is our work for each and every one of us, because we. Most likely. It can happen, though. We can. It can happen where our parents awaken. And then they, you know, come and they do that apology bit, and it's a sincere apology, and then things shift. But a lot of times it's not going to happen that way, and it may not happen that way. And as we awaken in consciousness, then we feel all that suffering that has happened in our childhood, and not only our childhood, but that has now in our cellular structure, that of our ancestors, our parents, our grandparents and theirs. It's in us. It's like in our bones. And that's the collective consciousness. So that's what we then have to also transcend and transmute. It's hard work. I. I understand that fully because I have. I have to do that as well. It's work. It's not Only my shit, but it's also the shit of my parents and then their parents. And I can sometimes feel that when I've worked through mine and I still have this sense of something that is there, I go deeper and I go, okay, you know, is this mine? And I feel it and it's like a definite no. But I can feel that it's coming from my family. I mean, we are all connected, all connected. Just because we appear to be separate, there is a connection on an energetic level. And not only an energetic level, but on the actual cellular level. So I really applaud you. It is really good work that you're doing. And sometimes it feels really lonely to do this work. But we only feel lonely because we still have that little bit of expectation that somebody should be there. But you know what? Somebody is there. But sometimes it's not in form. As we awaken everybody here today, there is a connection. And even though that you may leave this room after this weekend and we go through our everyday lives and awaken and we may be alone, we are not alone, alone because we are the formless dimension and the awakening consciousness that is you and me. It's one. And if we can remind ourselves that that alone feeling begins to dissipate and disappoint. I had this sense, this image come up for me when it's like making that leap to cross from that form world into that unknown world and being suspended kind of between that mid air point and it's like standing on that edge and I'm like, I don't know if I can make that jump. I don't know if I can make that jump. Nobody is around, you know, telling me, yeah, you can do it, you can do it. But it was like this feeling inside where I just felt, oh my God. Everybody who has crossed this path was standing there saying, you can do it, you can do it, you can make that leap. But the only thing is, is that they can't do it for you. You are so. Which in a way, you are alone in this. You are the only one that can finally just jump. Nobody else, they can say, oh yes, yes, yes, go on, come on, go for it, go for it. And they won't push you. So this is a critical time in our spiritual awakening. Am I going to make that leap? And consciousness. And everybody out there in the so called awakening consciousness, very patient, very patient, will not push you. Just kindly and gently encouraging you and waiting for you on the other side and on this side saying, yes, you can go ahead, you can do it and when you're ready. Because we're only going to do something when we are ready. It's like what I mentioned about the flower. There's a certain point that just keeps blooming and blooming and we can't make it bloom any quicker. This intuitive, natural, spontaneous, so called action will occur and happen where we will just finally just go ploop. No thought. It's only while we're just sitting on that edge and our thoughts are still there. So there's still that attachment to the world or to the pain, body, an emotion, something old that's happened to us. So it can't. It just. It's not just material items. I'm speaking about emotional items as well, or thought patterns or anything that we attach ourselves to. So long as there is this attachment, we will not make that leap. But that's okay because we are getting ready to make that leap by looking at what we are attached to, by disconnecting from all that we are attached to. And usually it's deep suffering that will bring about a deeper awakening where we just finally cross it.