066 Buts of Steel - 2 Small Words That Quietly Shape Every Conversation

This is Dr. Torrey. Welcome to the Influence Every Day show, where we make every day better and we influence for good.

Back in the 1980s, there was a workout show that would come on for a half hour each day, and it was called Buns of Steel. Now, obviously that was about working out glutes, but that's not what this episode is all about. This one's called Butts of Steel. What we're going to do in this episode is we're going to focus on two words that quietly decide what the brain will focus on. And these two words each only have one syllable, and we use them left and right. We use them all the time. In fact, I've probably used both of them several times already in this introduction. The two words are only one syllable each, but they have the power to shift the emotional tone. They have the power to make somebody open up or clamp down. They have the power to start or stop arguments, the power to begin or end partnerships. They in fact determine whether or not a leader will even receive information from the people that report to them. These two words are and. And. But.

But is particularly powerful. And it has sort of a bad connotation in a lot of different circles, especially in the domain of improv, in the domain of difficult conversations, and in so called popular literature like LinkedIn and Instagram, where people are just regurgitating things that they learn about influence and persuasion or words, or neuro linguistic programming or things like that, where they are just taking concepts and putting them back out there without understanding the nuance. The words and and but are incredibly powerful conjunctions that form the joining space in between two ideas. And how you want it to go really determines which word you should be using. But oftentimes we mix them up. First, let me explain that. The word but is often referred to in neuro linguistic programming as both an eraser and a spotlight. If you use the word but in between two ideas, it erases the first one and it puts a spotlight on the second one. Whereas the word and allows both to coexist. It allows both to coexist. So this is why in difficult conversations or crucial conversations or in improv, they often suggest that you use the word. And so if somebody introduces an idea, you say yes. You sort of accept it and say and. And then speak your truth or bring in your idea or your perspective. The reason you say and is because both can be true at the same time, whereas but negates the first one. So it's really important to understand the difference because too often we interchange These words and don't realize the implications. The reason this episode is called Butts of Steel is because but is such a firm pivot. It's like an iron curtain that what before it is erased, what after it is highlighted, it breaks another frame and it creates another frame. So it can be powerful at times, but it also can shape how people receive the information you deliver. So let's look at three sort of awful uses of the word but. Three ugly buts, if you will. The first is when we have a compliment, then say but, and then have a critique. Compliment, but critique. You did a great job up there, but it was so rushed at the end that I couldn't keep up. When you say you did a great job up there, but it takes away that compliment. It makes it feel like you know what, you don't actually really mean it. You really wanted to say the last thing, which is the ending was rushed. Whereas if you said you did a great job and it was a little rushed at the end, like both of those can be true. You did a great job and it was a little rushed at the end. The fact that it was rushed at the end doesn't negate the fact that you did a great job. Okay, that's the difference between but and and but. That first ugly but is when you compliment but critique. The second one is when you acknowledge but dismiss. So, yeah, I understand you feel that way, but we don't do that thing around here. Right. What it does is it dismisses an idea. And this is a particularly dangerous pattern for leaders to use. If you acknowledge that somebody had an idea or shared something and then follow it with but and then a dismissal or but and then a rebuttal, what happens is you prevent ideas from even coming to you. You might say, oh, I have an open door policy. Well, not if you're using that pattern, you don't. Because you are subtly telling everyone that if you frequently use that pattern, if you frequently put an acknowledgement followed by but followed by a dismissal, that pattern will start to become a habit. And that makes it a butt of steel. It's hardwired into your patterns of speech. And when you do that, it becomes part of your character, becomes part of your leadership style. It becomes how people understand you're going to communicate with them. They expect it, because that's what the pattern has been. So this acknowledgement followed by dismissal with a but in between is an ugly pattern. And so you should try to avoid that one as much as possible. The third one, this one happens more often when we are speaking to ourselves. It occurs in self talk. And that's where we might say intention, but obstacle. I want to lose weight, but the snack bar at work is loaded with junk food. I want to write more, but I just can't seem to get motivated. That's where you negate the actual thing that you want. I want to write more, I want to lose weight. I want to eat in a healthful kind of way. Well, you want to, but you're using the word but. You're actually negating it and then following it with typically an excuse or blame. It may also be true, by the way, but when you use the word but, you make it as if that's the spotlight that's the issue, not my own ability to overcome the thing, and that keeps us stuck. So those three ugly buts. One of them, it makes people feel bad when you give a compliment but critique. The second one, you dismiss an idea by acknowledging but dismissal. That prevents people from bringing ideas forward. And then the third one is to ourselves, where we state an intention but and then give an obstacle or something that we are blaming on why we're not reaching whatever the initial intention was. So those are three ugly buts. But let's be careful here, because there are times where but is a great word to use because we always talk about yes. And when it comes to difficult conversations or even arguments, there are times where we think that the word but would be a bad thing, but it's not. So let's shed light on three beautiful buts. The first of those is when you need to set a boundary. When you need to set a boundary, you say, I understand that you're frustrated, but we don't talk to our employees that way. That sets a boundary. It's a negation of what came before. But it's saying that this thing that I'm spotlighting now, we don't talk to our employees that way. That is the highlight. That is the point. We don't talk to our employees that way. Okay, so when you set a boundary, you could use it to set a boundary with your time. Sometimes we're such people pleasers that we say yes to everybody. Well, sometimes you have to use the word, but other times it might be to clarify non negotiables. So the second beautiful but is to clarify a non negotiable. I used it recently. I had a speaking engagement and there was a contract before the speaking engagement and I could not sign it because the intellectual property policy was just so extreme. I was like not doing that. I Had a non negotiable, I used the word but. It's okay to use the word but in that setting. And then the third beautiful but would be to reaffirm values or to reaffirm ethics or to create an environment of safety. Look, I understand where there's a lot of pressure for us to finish this thing, but when we cut corners, we actually make it dangerous. So the word but there sets a boundary. It also establishes what it takes for it to be a safe work environment. So three ugly butts, three beautiful buts. Now, in the week ahead, I want you to try these three buts. One, when you find yourself about to say yeah, but I want you to try to say yes. And try that once this week. Once you find yourself inclined to say yeah, but instead say yes. And it might be easier to adjust in real time when you're thinking about writing. So if you're writing an email or a text, that might be a time to switch. Okay. Especially in text. Because in text, it's hard to understand written word. It's hard to detect tone. That's the most likely spot for things to mess up. If you did a yeah, but instead do a yes. And the second thing I want you to try is remember that ugly but pattern of compliment but critique. What I want you to try this week is to flip it and just do critique but compliment, flip them, still use the word but hey, how did I do on my talk? Hey, it was a little fast at the end. You were a little rushed, but overall it was phenomenal. People were enthralled. They were all like, their phones weren't out. They were paying deep attention to you. Right. So you mentioned that it was a little rushed at the end. But then you highlight the compliment, flip the compliment and critique so that you say critique but compliment in that order. Try to do that this week. And then the last one is set some boundaries for yourself. Use the word. But in setting a boundary, an important point here is that how we use the word, but if we keep using it again and again and again and we're not deliberate or intentional about it or thoughtful about it, then we are at high risk for hardwiring it into our speech patterns. And if we do that, it starts to shape our character. It starts to shape how other people receive us. This is especially true if you are in leadership or if you are a parent. You are shaping the way others receive you and what they're willing to bring forward. So you won't get the truth out of your children. You won't get the truth out of those who report to you. You won't get their concerns or their ideas or their things that might be slightly out of the box. That might be the exact solution you're looking for. You won't get them if you're using but to negate something that's important, whether it's their emotions or their ideas. So I hope you found this helpful. Beware of creating harmful or ugly butts of steel. Instead, create beautiful butts of steel. I'll see you in the next episode.

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Sam.